AOC: If Trump Is So Great, Why Did My SUV Hold $100 Worth of Gas Under Biden and Only Holds $65 Now Under Trump? 
Gov Walz: ‘If Trump doesn’t turn down the temperature, I’m going to k*ll him with my bare f*cking hands’ 
BREAKING: France Eager to Join Denmark-US Conflict So They Can Surrender to Someone Soon 
If you don’t want your tax money to go to immigrants to look after imaginary kids and sent to African warlords, you’re literally Hitler 
Around the World
BREAKING: France Eager to Join Denmark-US Conflict So They Can Surrender to Someone Soon
PARIS — In a move described by diplomats as “both proactive and deeply traditional,” the French government has formally expressed interest in entering the escalating...
If you don’t want your tax money to go to immigrants to look after imaginary kids and sent to African warlords, you’re literally Hitler
In these enlightened times, it's become increasingly clear that the true measure of one's character lies not in deeds or words, but in one's unwavering...
Denmark sends reinforcements to Greenland ahead of talks with US
NUUK / COPENHAGEN — In a bold show of Scandinavian resolve, the Kingdom of Denmark has dispatched a heavily armed reinforcement contingent to Greenland, officials...
Trump on a Roll: Mamdani Captured and Flown Out of NYC Following ‘Large Scale’ US Attack
NEW YORK — In what White House officials are already calling “Operation Very Tremendous,” U.S. special forces early this morning executed a “large scale, extremely...
‘No Kings’ protesters demand dictator Maduro be restored to power in Venezuela
Seattle, WA — In a display of unwavering commitment to sovereignty abroad while maintaining flexible standards at home, participants from last year's nationwide "No Kings"...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
Santa Claus hopes to make it down 50% more chimneys after a year on Ozempic
In a stunning announcement from the North Pole today, Santa Claus revealed that he has lost an estimated 400 pounds over the past year thanks...
Local kids announce they are ‘starving’ 2 minutes after leaving a party with endless amounts of food they didn’t touch
In a heartbreaking turn of events that has stunned parents and child hunger advocates alike, a group of local elementary school children announced today that...
Connecting Financial Education to Real Life
Financial education is often treated as a subject to memorize — a list of terms, formulas, and abstract concepts that feel far removed from daily...
Avoiding Emotional Spending
Most advice about emotional spending starts with budgets and apps. I want to begin a little closer to home. Before your finger even reaches the...
Local man buys $900 3D printer so he can make cheap Chinese junk at home for 10 times the price
In a bold leap toward self-sufficiency, local man Greg Thompson, 38, has unveiled his latest venture: crafting budget-tier Chinese trinkets at ten times the cost...
Business News
AOC: If Trump Is So Great, Why Did My SUV Hold $100 Worth of Gas Under Biden and Only Holds $65 Now Under Trump?
Accountability starts at the pump. That’s why I’ve been reflecting on a glaring inconsistency that’s impossible to ignore: If Donald Trump’s second term is the...
BREAKING: Google office quarantined after someone was wished a ‘Merry Christmas’
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The Google Headquarters shut down Monday after a delivery man cheerfully wished a receptionist a "Merry Christmas". All employees were evacuated and the...
Minnesota Governor Tim Walz Counters Lindell’s Gubernatorial Bid with Launch of “MyTampon” Brand
St. Paul, MN – Fresh off MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell's announcement that he will seek the Republican nomination to challenge him in the 2026 gubernatorial...
Cinnabon Removes the ‘N’s’ to Prove they Aren’t Racist
Atlanta, GA – In a groundbreaking act of corporate virtue that no one asked for, Cinnabon announced Tuesday that it is immediately dropping the letter...
FOR SALE: Totally Legitimate High-Speed Offshore Fishing Vessel – $175,000 OBO
Tired of slow, boring boats that actually catch fish? Looking for something with real zip that can outrun literally anything in or on the water...
97% of climate scientists agree that we only have 18 months to save their jobs
An international body of nearly 100 climate scientists convened by the United Nations have issued a stern warning to the rest of the world. Unless...
Science Grid
Santa Claus hopes to make it down 50% more chimneys after a year on Ozempic
In a stunning announcement from the North Pole today, Santa Claus revealed that he has lost an estimated 400 pounds over the past year thanks...
97% of climate scientists agree that we only have 18 months to save their jobs
An international body of nearly 100 climate scientists convened by the United Nations have issued a stern warning to the rest of the world. Unless...
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
Local liberal urges friends to ‘Trust the science (but not the science that disproves my argument)’
Local progressive activist Karen Witherspoon held a press conference today outside the Cedar Springs Community Center, passionately urging residents to "trust the science" on climate...
Experts blame climate change for making them use cloud-seeding tech to cause massive flooding throughout US
NEW YORK—Government officials have blamed climate change for making them use cloud-seeding technology to cause massive flooding throughout the United Staes. "It's true that we...
Electric vehicle fires on Chinese cargo ships are proof that we’re doing the right thing for the environment
Dear eco-champions, green dreamers, and lovers of a good fiery spectacle, rejoice! The catastrophic Morning Midas disaster— that glorious blaze of Chinese-made electric vehicles lighting...
Featured Articles
Deep Thoughts by AOC Episode 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFoOcDfHbH8 🌀 Deep Thoughts by AOC — Episode 1 Step into the shimmering world of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s consciousness, where ideas flow as freely as government...
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
The Daily Dumpster Fire: Episode 1
Welcome to The Daily Dumpster Fire, the flagship news roundup of the Genesius Times, hosted by the reliably unimpressive duo Chad Furthingrotten and Karen Bubbletitch....
BREAKING: Millions of women report for handmaid duty following Trump inauguration
US—The federal government have instructed millions of women across the country to report for "handmaid duty" following Donald Trump's stunning victory in the 2024 election....
AOC hosts ‘Cooking with Communism’, shows you how to cook your pets
The new smash hit social video show "Cooking with Communism" stars democratic socialist Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who takes questions while she whips up communist classics...
Health Grid
Leftists Protest new MAHA Food Pyramid by Staging ‘Processed-Carbs-Only’ Sit-in Marathon
WASHINGTON, DC—Dozens of activists gathered on the National Mall today to protest the newly released Dietary Guidelines for Americans, 2025-2030, which feature an inverted food...
BREAKING: Google office quarantined after someone was wished a ‘Merry Christmas’
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The Google Headquarters shut down Monday after a delivery man cheerfully wished a receptionist a "Merry Christmas". All employees were evacuated and the...
JUST IN: Brave young Democrat influencers cut off their testicles in protest of Trump
In an unprecedented display of political fervor, a group of young, progressive activists known as the "Brave Democrats" - comprised of Harry Sisson, David Hogg,...
Sacrifice a human and 7 more ways to not be a bigot on Indigenous Peoples’ Day
Everyone knows that if you celebrate Columbus Day, you're a Nazi bigot, so that's why most woke cultures and municipalities will be celebrating Indigenous Peoples'...
AOC: If you take Tylenol PM while pregnant, your child will only be autistic at night
America, we’ve been played. Big Pharma’s been slipping us the oldest trick in their corporate playbook, and it’s time to fight back with a life...
Thousands of depressed, obese, suicidal asthmatics demand RFK Jr stop ‘endangering our health!’
US—In a stunning display of collective wheezing, thousands of self-described “depressed, obese, suicidal asthmatics” gathered outside the Capitol yesterday to demand that Robert F. Kennedy...
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Tech Talk
BREAKING: Google office quarantined after someone was wished a ‘Merry Christmas’
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The Google Headquarters shut down Monday after a delivery man cheerfully wished a receptionist a "Merry Christmas". All employees were evacuated and the...
97% of climate scientists agree that we only have 18 months to save their jobs
An international body of nearly 100 climate scientists convened by the United Nations have issued a stern warning to the rest of the world. Unless...
Congratulations to Portugal and Spain on accidentally achieving net zero before 2050
Lisbon/Madrid, April 29, 2025 – In a plot twist that has left climate scientists dumbfounded, tech bros unemployed, and candle sales skyrocketing, Portugal and Spain...
Climate activists protest Elon Musk by sending ‘NO DOGE’ smoke signals up from burning Tesla batteries
In a surreal twist of environmental activism, a group of climate warriors calling themselves "GreenSmoke Revolution" staged a fiery protest against Elon Musk yesterday by...
Following Katy Perry’s all-woman space flight, Elon Musk offers ‘The View’ Hosts an all-woman one-way ticket to deep space
Cape Canaveral, FL – Fresh off the heels of Katy Perry’s much-hyped all-woman space flight, which saw the pop star serenade the cosmos with a...
Lyft launches ‘Forklyft’: the Ride-Sharing Service for the Morbidly Obese
In an unexpected twist following the recent lawsuit filed by Detroit rapper Dank Demoss against Lyft, the ride-sharing giant has launched "Forklyft," a spinoff service...
