So confused
So I haven't posted on here in like forever, but since who I'm posting about doesn't use the el-jay, I can rant and not have to worry about it.
So I was dating this really great guy. We met over the internet back in September and went on our first date on September 12. At first I didn't think there would be much to come from it since all the other people I had recently had dates with all seemed to fizzle out after the first one. Well I called him a few days later to let him know that I had a good time and that I would like to see him again. Well he called me back the next day to let me know the same thing. We then began to talk on the phone every night, sometimes for as long as 2 hours. More dates ensued and I realized I was falling for him.
But, he was actually still married to his ex-wife (and still is actually, the divorce isn't final yet), was just comming out of the closet, and was about to start working on finishing his doctorate, so I tried to keep everything light and casual. Then it turned out that I would spend every weekend with him and would go over there every wednesday too. I knew it was getting serious and even brought up if it would bother him if I changed my facebook to say I was in a relationship, but we really decided that it wasn't really the time yet.
Fast forward a few months to the last weekend in Janurary. I messed up and had forgotten about some traffic tickets that I had and ended up spending the entire weekend in Jail. I had talked to him the Thursday night that it happened and he ended up trying really hard to see if there was anything he could do to help (I ended up calling my parents to help me take care of everything). I realized that I really did love him while I was sitting there with nothing to do but think and sleep.
So I went to his house this past wednesday as was our routine. We ended up not having sex like usual and just slept with him cuddling me, which was what I really needed anyway. After I woke up and we had some light conversation (I had already told him that there was something serious I wanted to discuss with him). We told me he loved me after I told him the same thing, but the next sentence he told me was that he couldn't be with me anymore. In other words I was dumped. Now the reason he dumped me was because he was afraid of our serodiscordance and was afraid that I was full blown and that a condom wouldn't protect him. Which I totally understand, and respect since I wouldn't want to hurt him.
We talked a little bit more. I took a shower, when I was leaving he tried to hug me some more and I told him to stop so it would be easier for me to leave. I left went to work, and had time to think about everything that had happened. And I realized that he was right I do need to work on some personal issues before I'm really ready to be in a relationship.
So on Friday I emailed him to let him know that I wasn't angry with him for breaking up with me and that he was right and that there were some issues that I needed to work on, and to apologize for being so cold when I left. I can be really good at the shut off emotion and let me get through the crisis when I need to. I also told him that I would still like to be friends, since he is a great guy, and I do enjoy spending time with him. I also told him that if he wanted to talk some more about everything that I would be open to that since we both were a little too emotional when everything happened to really have a logical adult converstion.
Well he emailed me back. He told me he was still having a hard time with it and when he saw the Mountain Dew that he bought for me to have at his house since he only drank Diet Coke, that it reminds him of me and makes him cry again. Now I did cry quite a bit when it happened, but I realized that I can cry and not fix anything or I can fix what needs to be fixed and take responsiblity for my life. I chose the latter. He told me that he wasn't ready to talk to me yet or even see me even on a friendship level, yet he was the one that originally wanted to be friends. He did tell me that he would go with me to the doctor when I go to get everything checked to see if I need to go on meds or what not, but still doesn't want to see me. I don't understand that. We are both supposed to be at an event this evening that the Rugby team is sponsoring, and I really don't know yet if I'm gonna go or not. I want to just to prove that I'm not fucked up emotionally, and just to see how he is going to react. He told me he wouldn't be a jerk, but since he's set it on Facebook so that I can't comment or like any of his stuff, I'm not really sure how he's going to be.
I miss him and it hasn't been the same since I haven't heard from him everynight this past few days, and when I see stuff on facebook that he's done it has a tendency to piss me off, I'm not sure why it is, it just is. I guess because if we were still together I'd be there doing it with him.
Current Mood:  confused
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contemplative