Sick (a bad cold this time), tired and just found out a family friend passed away unexpectedly last weekend. Wish I could skip school today and rest, but when would I make it up? Currently skipping morning exercises for the 2nd day in a row. Bleh.

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After waiting for a bus to another bus station in Vientiane, Laos, for 40 minutes, knowing neither if we were in the right place nor going to the right place, and having a difficult time communicating with the locals:

Me: We're having an adventure.

Ted: Sometimes adventure looks an awful lot like waiting.

Me: Sometimes adventure is boring!

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One night while on Gili Air, a relaxed Muslim island, we went to an all night dance party at our favorite bar. The dance floor was lined with a slew of local men, aged 12 and up. The only women were tourists, except for one local woman wearing long pants, and a cute tank top, her long dark hair whipping around as she danced with untrained passion. Marina chatted with us later in the night, telling us how all the rest of the women on the island were too scared to come out dancing. While the boys were allowed to roam free from a young age, the girls were expected to stay home, and this attitude lasted throughout their lives. Those who were not too scared to come out were prohibited from doing so by their husbands. Strong-willed Marina would have none of that.

She told us she had a good husband, and even so it was sometimes hard. She four children, two of them girls. Her oldest daughter had been sent off to Lombok to go to an international school by a Canadian friend, a boon in a land where the local Muslim school only accepts boys and the quality of the public school is dubious. I felt thankful for her little girls having such a strong mother but slightly worried for them knowing some of the challenges they'll face in subverting the system. And all the while filled with hope that women (and all people for that matter) will one day be viewed as equals able to live their lives as they choose, wherever in the world they may be.

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This trip, while wonderful in many ways, has been very hard on me. From homesickness to digestive issues to dehydration and mental issues. This morning I realized how bad the depression had gotten and sought out a Chinese doctor. I spent more money on herbs than I care to admit, but I feel like it has already helped. Being in the presence of the medicine, talking with the doctor, watching the pharmacists dole out large quantities of herbs, known and unknown to me, was a salve for my soul. Something about constanly being on the move, having no real friends other than Ted, makes it much harder for me to regulate my emotions. The positive side of this, other than seeing some amazing places is that it has been such a great petri dish for my personal growth. I've started drawing again, I've committed to doing one wellness oriented thing per day, I am giving myself structure. I cannot emphasise how big an achievement that is for me.

I am doing the things that I love because I love them, without (or with little) fear that I'm not good enough...that I shouldn't create unless I have the approval of at least a few others. And I like what I'm doing.

I am not sure who or what I have to thank for my tenacious spirit. It is truly a gift that has gotten me through the toughest of times. This alchemy of my soul would not be possible without it.

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I'm lying on our daybed with kittens and listening to the surf. A few locals pass by wishing us goodnight and sweet dreams. It's times like this, after having had our best meal in Indonesia to date (not a difficult feat, but still delicious), that it's hard to resist the temptation to just stay on Gili Air until our time in SE Asia is up. We could get to know the locals and watch the kitties, particularly Ozzy and Little Half Tail, grow up. We could find out what interests we develop on an island with little tv or Internet. Perhaps I'd work up to an hour of pranayama per day, or take up painting again. Maybe we'd get very into yoga or work for the dive shops in exchange for time underneath the ocean. I could take in the fungal sacrament of the island on a regular basis, fueling my spiritual growth. I'd have the time and luxury to build my reserves of inner peace and qi, perhaps making me a better acupuncturist.

But, I have a feeling we will move on at our appointed time. Instead of learning one place in depth we will see the surface of many places. I will have to learn how to hold on to my inner peace despite the trials and frustrations of months of travel. I will probably not paint, nor will I get to do many dives, nor get to watch the kittens grow up. But, I will grow in ways both expected and not, and have many wonderful experiences in my travels.

As always, I am really curious and looking forward to experiencing all the different ways this trip will change me, yet slightly bittersweet about what I must leave behind

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I'm having a good time and will have plenty of stories to tell when I get home, but I am kind of suprised at how homesick I am right now. Hopefully it will pass. I just really liked where I was with my life when we left, while at the same time recognizing that having the guts to take this trip is a large part of the reason my life was where it was. 12 weeks until we're home. Can't wait til New Years Eve and seeing so many friends again.

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I have been changing so rapidly lately I have barely been able to keep up with myself. Nevermind how busy i've been with school, packing, burning man and making sure I saw everyone I wanted to see before departing for our trip.

This morning I woke up early, so with several hours before we even had to be at breakfast I decided to do some self care. It was so good to have those hours to myself to rest and recharge. I started with 15 minutes of pranayama breathing, followed with a few minutes of stretching, then one of the best baths of my life. I soaked, I stretched, I let cold water pour over my legs and feet, a delicious contrast to the hot water enveloping me. Perhaps most importantly I spent quite some time sloughing old skin cells off my entire body. It was therapeutic to release myself that way, to listen to the water whisk old bits of me as it flowed down the drain.

Goodbye to the old me who didn't take enough risks, who cared too much about what other people thought of her, who didn't follow through on nearly enough of her crazy ideas and solid instincts. And thank you to her too for doing so much of the hard work, for choosing so many wonderful paths and compatriots, for making the difficult choice of throwing caution to the wind and embarking on this journey.

Hello to the me that I am and will be, for all the good and bad, strength and softness, and love and opportunity that that encompasses.

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