Light after dark.

Being a mom is the single greatest joy of my life.  I’m not saying I’m the best at it.  In fact, just to set the record straight,  I hate cooking.  I don't enjoy doing laundry most days.  I love a made bed, but making it feels so pointless somedays, I'd rather just not! :)  And, I really have to control my thoughts when one or more of my kids are invading my personal bubble (you would think by now I wouldn’t have one, lol).  I even have to consciously remind myself to hug my kids sometimes!  How’s that for a #badmom confession lol?!

These facts aren’t meant to be self-deprecating, but to help illustrate perfection isn't required in our talents.  Some people were sent to this earth with the gift to be doctors, teachers, scientists, designers, engineers, therapists, or lawyers.  I was sent with the gift of loving little people.  It’s who I am.  That is important to understand as I tell my story.

A few years ago following a minor surgery and several months after the birth of our 6^th child, I hit an all-time low.  I felt consumed.  I cried constantly.  I felt my world had spun out of control, and happiness would never be in my grasp.  My children and husband who were my world were also suffering from their own physical and mental challenges and I just couldn’t make the difference I needed/wanted to make in their lives.  In other words, I couldn’t fix it all.   At an especially low moment, I distinctly remember calmly thinking, “I wish there was a way I could just quietly get in the car with my children and drive and have this all be over...”  I wanted to drive to a literal, non-figurative end.   Not wanting to cause my children pain and lifelong scars by leaving them without a mother, but also knowing I couldn’t continue, it seemed a very reasonable option.  My husband’s health was very poor that in the moment I rationalized he would not have to live long without us, so soon, we would all be together, free from all of our heartache.  It was a very calm, clear thought, that frighteningly enough now, made perfect sense in the moment.

One of the only pictures I took during the 3 hardest 3 months.

Thanks to earthly angels, I never acted on that thought.  I have always been blessed to be surrounded by family and loved ones who did everything they could to help me.  But to be honest, I was very good at keeping people at arm’s length, and hiding my pain.  Very few knew how much my emotional health had deteriorated.  In spite of their many efforts to reach out to me, I didn’t let anyone, not even my husband, see how bad I had gotten.

Heaven sent me two friends, who, within a couple days of each other, were able to say exactly what I needed to hear in the way I needed to hear it.  They told me, quite bluntly, that IF I loved my children or my husband, l would get help.  That not getting help meant I didn’t love them as much as I claimed to.  Period.  That approach may not be the best for some, but it quite literally saved lives that week.

My subsequent phone call a day later to arrange the doctor visit was one of the most difficult I had made up to that point of my life.  'I was the strong one!' I thought to myself.  The one who gave help, not the one who asked for it!  What would people think if they found out that I was seeing a psychiatrist or possibly even taking medication?  They, I convinced myself, would view me as weak, or broken, or even worse, with pity.  They would look at me as one who needed help, rather than one they could depend on to provide it.  So, so many destructive thoughts ran through my mind in those moments my fingers were dialing the numbers.  Nevertheless, I made the appointment and was able to get in within a day or so.

I remember sitting there in the doctor’s office thinking I was going to have to convince her that I really wasn’t okay.  I remember thinking she wasn’t going to believe me and that this was a huge waste of time.  Surprisingly (to me at least), the doctor took one look at me, and after just a few questions I answered (after bursting into tears), agreed wholeheartedly with my friends’ claim that I was in a very bad place and needed help.  That was the beginning of a whole new path of thinking for me, one that has not only helped me to separate the errant thoughts from the rational ones, but a path that has helped me understand my children and their needs better as well!

The assertion these two dear friends of mine made that not facing the problems I was experiencing and taking care of myself meant I didn’t love my children, while harsh, was exactly the kind of tough love I needed to help me create a change in my life and end the downward spiral I was on.  Everyone who has returned from the kind of debilitating depression and anxiety I experienced will likely tell you their turning points and catalysts were individual.  Christlike love and empathy, tough love, or even all of the above…everyone’s needs and recipe for healing will be different.  I will always be grateful for those two women who didn’t mince words with me.  Without their courage, and without their love, me and my children would likely not still be here. I’m not suggesting their approach is always the correct one, but in my case, it was exactly what I needed. 

I know I will always have to consciously choose to fight to maintain my mental health.  It doesn’t just happen.  It requires awareness, and active participation on my part, the involvement of professionals , and humility and willingness on my part to accept that I cannot win this battle by myself!  I need to admit that I need my Savior, Jesus Christ,  who suffered every dark moment I have experienced, along with every dark moment every person in existence ever has or ever will experience, in order to overcome what my mind tries to throw at me.  I had to rediscover my faith and belief in the fact that we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows us and loves us.  That these kinds of illnesses or struggles are not punishments or 'bad luck,' but rather opportunities to experience growth we could gain from no other path.  Possibly the most poignant realization I made up to that point is that these struggles were, indeed a blessing.  They enabled me to have empathy for others I could have gained in no other way.  They enabled me to know what to look for in my friends and loved ones struggling similarly.  

Good people have these challenges.  To quote Elder Jeffrey, R. Holland, “We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!”  There is a great lie quietly circulating that depression or anxiety somehow makes you 'less.' That you are somehow not as faithful, not as strong, not open to choose to see your glass half full, and not willing to want happiness in your life. That last one is something I battled especially in others' perceptions, but especially in my own.  

printable courtesy of {lifestylesofthecrazyandinsane.blogspot.com}

While I am, as Elder Holland said, a "vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking," battling mental health issues is more than flipping a switch, and it is rarely a one-time event that culminates in donning a smile as a course corrective measure.  More often than not, it is a lifetime of choices to be more than the body and mind you were blessed with.  It is exercising humility and grace, and using the resources at your disposal to get the help that can enable you to find joy in this life and to use your time and talents to bless others.  These resources can range from physical exercise all the way up to modern medicine,  From talk therapy to vitamins. From mindfulness exercises to in-patient hospital treatment. It is choosing to have a desire to have hope and cultivating your faith in the big picture.  But none of those choices can be made when you are swallowed up in that dark abyss of depression and anxiety.  In many cases, our agency can be stymied and we can lose our ability to continue fighting without outside help.

In my case, to regain my agency, and my ability to make those important choices again with a clear mind, the Lord sent me angels disguised as my dear friends, who told me what I needed to hear, in the exact way and in the moment I needed to hear it.  Do not underestimate your ability to help another who is struggling with these kinds of problems.  As Elder Neal A. Maxwell said so beautifully, “God does not begin by asking us about our ability, but only about our availability, and if we then prove our dependability, he will increase our capability!” 

I am so grateful for friends who listened to the Spirit, and followed that counsel,   What a blessing it is to feel the warm light again that always can follow the dark.

April 27, 2014....

Today, we had our Stake Conference which was a regional meeting for most of Davis County at the Conference Center in SLC, Utah.  Bryan has not been doing well, so he wasn't able to go, but I packed up the kids by 8:30 and we took off.

We had to park a few blocks away.  While walking, I noticed a lady talking angrily to a family just in front of us up the sidewalk who also seemed to be heading to the Conference.  When we reached her, she looked angrily at my kids and said, "Are all of these yours?"  I said, "Yep!  Every one of them!"  She barked, "Please tell me you are not having any more."  I said, "I wish I could have more, but sadly we're done."  She then said, "Do the world a favor and stop now."  Then she walked off the opposite direction.  I looked at the family in front of me to see their reaction.  Most of them were smiling, and seemed pretty unscathed.

I started crying.  My poor kids were confused, so I tried to just laugh it off.  It was dumb but here I was, dragging kids through downtown Salt Lake by myself, only to have someone totally berate me and my desires to be a mom.   Anyways, I realized she probably wasn't all there, or had suffered some pretty tragic things to be so bold and cruel to strangers.

So, we made our way to the conference center.  We were seated in the Plaza main floor section, and we made our way to the side where we could see well but be out of the way and hopefully close to an exit in the likely event the kids would need to leave for one reason or another.  We got settled and I sent the kids to use the bathroom and drinking fountain before the meeting began.  I kept Mandalen with me.  A few moments later, a middle-aged couple sat down directly behind our seats (there was no one else by us within a few rows or several seats) so I jokingly leaned back and said, "I'm just warning you, my other 5 kids are coming back from the bathroom in a minute."  The husband kind of half chuckled, but his wife, loudly said, "No!  No! No!"  She then stood up and walked to the aisle, with her husband close behind her.  He gently talked to her for a minute, and then maybe a minute later, they both walked to another part of the room.  I really was stunned.  I felt horrible.  For myself, yes, but also for her.  With everything I have been going through in my own life and with those that I love, I know people are rarely what they seem to be on the surface.  The monsters some of us are fighting are ugly and unrelenting.  Whatever her situation, I just felt bad knowing I had potentially ruined the meeting for her and her husband somehow.

And then the self-pity crept in.  I felt kicked in the gut.  I mean, come on, I was trying to provide my kids with meaningful, spiritual experiences.  We were up early.  I didn't hardly at all get mad at them to get them out the door.  We had good uplifting conversations in the car.  It had been a good morning, in spite of leaving Bryan in a bad state at home.  So why oh why did it have to turn out like this.

Shortly before the meeting began, I had Belen move to the other side of me but she was scared because she didn't know the person sitting next to me.  I explained to him, and he was so cute and told her he was a grandpa, and showed her a picture of his granddaughter that was Belen's same age.  He then went above and beyond and played dolls with her until the meeting started.  Blessing #1.

When Elder Neal A. Anderson got up to speak, the room was a bit noisy from all of the babies and young children.  He said (something like this anyway):  "To all of you mothers of small children.  We typically do not allow children under 8 years of age to attend in the conference center, so if they want to shout and rejoice, let's let them."  Blessing #2

The kids struggled the last 20 minutes, but overall did quite well.

When we were in the van heading home, I asked them what their favorite part was.  Liah first said, "The end."  {sigh}  Zerin piped in and said, "My favorite part was when the whole conference center was singing at the same time.  That was like, wow."  For me that was especially poignant because this was the kid that used to refuse to sing.  Now, without prodding, he sings every song.  and music helped him feel the spirit.  Awesome.

Aeden said he loved when Elder Anderson talked about liking Bountiful and Davis County the very best.  Not exactly what Elder Anderson said, but the awesome thing was that it meant he was listening!!!!!   Awesome.

Belen said her favorite part was seeing that many people (actually she said strangers) who loved Jesus.  Awesome.

And then sweet Liah.  She didn't take her medicine in the morning, so by about 9:30, it was pretty obvious it was going to be a loooooooong day with her.  But she was trying.  Shortly before it was over she couldn't hold still, stop touching her brothers, or a number of other things.  I didn't think there was any chance she had heard anything from the whole meeting.  We had been driving for about 5 minutes, when she said, long after everyone else had given their answers, "I had a favorite part.  I loved when they were talking about the families that learned about the gospel because their friends were brave and invited them to come."  All.kinds.of.awesome.

In spite of everything, or maybe even because of it, I am glad we went.

reverse soliciting...

I used to have a 'no soliciting' sign on my door, but I took it down.  Not that I enjoy those relentlessly persistent chemical cleaning, bug killing kids dreaming of making their fortune in 3 months or less, I actually quite NOT enjoy it :)  But, the thought occurred to me one time after I was less than polite to one of these salespeople, that that may have been their one chance to have a good experience with a member of the LDS faith, and I blew it.

So, now I answer the door.  Most times.

This week a 4'10" girl named Lauren with fire engine red hair and a thick southern accent (although she hailed from NYC) came trying to get me to buy her cleaning products.  I told her politely I couldn't/wouldn't.  She of course tried to talk me into it :)  Gotta give her credit for trying :)  Then she pulled out the big guns and told me that some lady up the street had told her to read 3 Nephi where Christ comes to the Americas.  I had to surpress a laugh if I'm honest, because 6 months before, a kid selling the same product told me the same thing about 3 Nephi!  Either they keep visiting the same lady up my street, or this was chapter 2 in "Selling to Mormons" in their sales curriculum :)  Anyways, my kids thought she was adorable, especially Liah.  Liah said later that evening that she could be an actor, I quite agreed!

Anyways, after we finished, she was getting ready to leave but I told her if it began to rain, she and her friend could come back and wait out of the rain until their ride came.  She left, and I really thought that was that.

About 30 minutes later, she (Lauren) and another friend (Tiffany) showed up.  They started talking small talk, mostly about Bountiful and how everyone here already has the product so it's a slow area, and about our temple pictures in our front room.  Tiffany asked me about the pic of our family in front of the temple.  Tiffany asked if it was in Paris or something.  I told her, "Nope!  That is sacred building for us."  She then switched gears and tried selling again, but I just told her there was no way, but I appreciated her wanting to share something so great with me.  There was a lull, so I thought we were pretty much done, and then she said, "So I believe that Jesus died on the cross and saves and all that, how are you folks different?"

{Returned missionaries, I probably totally did this wrong so no judging :)}

"Well," I told her, "it basically comes down to two things.  The Savior Jesus Christ  died for us, to pay the price for our mistakes, for our heartache, and for any pain we have to suffer so that we could live with Him again.  The second part is family.  We believe that families are meant to be together forever.  The Savior's sacrifice enabled that, and by marrying in these beautiful buildings, our families are sealed together forever.  Everything we do, everything we teach, it's all about following the Savior, and strengthening families."

It was strange, because after that, she stopped talking so fast, she just kind of looked around for a minute, and sat, and then, she thanked me, and her and Lauren both left.

I strongly doubt there is anything I told her she hadn't either heard before or didn't already know, but I could see it in her face that she felt something.  I love knowing that Tiffany and Lauren felt something.

calm...

I was visiting with my Grandma yesterday, and she was talking to me about one of my uncles who had recently undergone back surgery.  He had explained that it was still hard to stand for long, but that one of his more comfortable positions was kneeling.  She said she laughed and said,

"Well that's not exactly a bad thing, that's where I go when I'm hurting too!"  Love her.  

The Rob Gardiner version of "Savior, Redeemer of My Soul" is probably my favorite hymn of all time.

The lyrics, by Orson F. Whitney, perfectly and beautifully express my feelings about

my Savior and why I feel I'm here.

As I have struggled to find peace this week, I stumbled across this video, an arrangement by Nicole Skousen, which I feel was a direct answer to my prayers for relief.

"Sometimes God calms the storm...

sometimes He lets the storm rage and He calms the child."

my little middle kid.

This little dude is turning 8 here in a few minutes!  Aeden, being the middle child, has really been my kid who has gotten the shaft.  When he turned one, I was neck deep in some family issues that took me away from home for several weeks.  And then every birthday after that, he was forever a middle child.  Yet he rarely complains.  He is not hot and cold like my other kids.  He doesn't have things he is REALLY into, he just is happy.  His favorite thing to say when I ask him to tell me what he wants is to say "Surprise me!"  I am hoping to un-shaft him tomorrow with a really fun day! :)

Here are a few things you may not know about my favorite 3rd child:

1.  His name, Aeden, comes from The Garden of Eden, meaning "a place where God dwells."  I think most people who know Aeden always feel better about themselves after being around him, so the name fits well :)

2.  He has never known life without a dog, and it's a good thing.  He is an animal lover to his core, and is very loving to all 3 of our dogs.

3.  He is EXTREMELY smart!  His teacher begged me for the better part of the year to put him in the Spectrum program, but we ultimately decided against it because it would take him away from friends and family, but his mind is something to behold.  He can remember names, dates, events better than Google, and he is ridiculously talented at math.  It's almost like he sees numbers as art, like he gets them.  He has been helping his younger brother with homework lately, and it blows my mind to hear Aeden explain some of the concepts to him, I STILL don't have that good of a grasp of numbers :)

4.  He is very loving and sensitive.  Ever since he was a baby, he would cry when there was contention in the house, something he still does to this day.  I call him my little happy meter because I can tell how things are going at home just by looking at his face.

5.  He loves his brothers and sisters.  He pretends to not like some of them, but if any of them are not home for whatever reason, he doesn't seem to relax until he knows everyone is at home.  

6.  He eats a ton but is skinny as a rail!  He eats more than Zerin (who is 12) and that is saying something!

7.  He is a great cook!  Of all my kids, Aeden has enjoyed cooking since he was just a baby.  He loves to help Bryan or I anytime we are in the kitchen.

8.  He is a very hard worker and EXTREMELY reliable!  

9.  He is one of the most honest people I have ever met in my life.  I really don't think he has ever intentionally lied to me.

10.  He looks so much like my dad did when my dad was a child.  My Grandma Hugie has commented many times since Aeden was just a baby, how much he reminds her of my dad.  :)

snapshots.

It's been a fun filled first of the year so far!  We have been busy with science fair, orchestra, early morning play practice, scouts, activity days, preschool, kindergarten, and making messes :)  We are getting ready to start planting the garden, and that's always a sign that life is just around the corner...hooray!!!!

Zerin was ordained a deacon, and went to do baptisms with me for the first time on valentines day! Probably one of my favorite memories with him so far, if you don't count the one where I first met him in person :)
He also got to attend his first Valentines Dance!

Liah has been enjoying friends.  She is convinced that one of her friends, Sunny, is a sister from another mister :)  They both really love and enjoy life.  Liah is also an incredible friend to her little sisters,

I love watching them play together, and from her I've learned to be a better friend.

Aeden is a wise adult in a kid's body.  He is kind, compassionate, helpful and smart way beyond his years.

I don't know what I would do without him.

Asher is turning into a class clown and quite the performer.  He always makes me smile, but is simultaneously one of the most tenderhearted and loving people I have ever met.

I hope he never gets to old to give me his famous hugs.

Belen is....how do you describe fire?  Alive.  Belen is alive :)  She is always singing, and dancing, and performing, and always does it with everything she has in her.  She reminds me to do everything I do with flair and intensity, because otherwise what's the point? :)

Mandalen is busy learning how to be a scientist.  She is always asking herself questions and then works to find the answers to those questions.  Like for example, what happens when you throw a full bowl of cheerios (WITH milk) across the kitchen?  Or what happens when you mix an entire bottle of baby powder with a glass of water and mix it into the carpet?  Great questions that prove to me that
life with her will be anything but boring.

missing pages...

Someone once told me that the missing pages and missing pictures in your scrapbook tell their own story.
So on that note, allow my lapse in blogging to tell its own story :)

In a feeble attempt to play catch up over the past 8 months, please refer to the infamous Christmas letter.

Hello again!

I have neglected this little part of my universe for the last few months.  So much has happened!  Bryan (sound the trumpets) was hired to be the principal at Hill Field Elementary!  I found myself feeling more relief than anything else, but it is such a long awaited miracle, we are so so very grateful.  It still doesn't seem real :)

I have really hesitated to write this next part because frankly I don't want to talk about it.  But, the feeling keeps coming that maybe something I have gone through may be able to help someone else in a small way so here goes.

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be a place where I could write and record all of the beautiful mundane and amazing things that make being a mother such a gift.  I wanted it to be a place not to put on airs of something that I'm not, but rather a place where I could focus on the things that make my life good, and happy.

Don't get me wrong.  Craziness, and difficulties would hit, just like they do to everyone, and I would struggle to find those happy beautiful things as often.  Other times, the daily demands of being a wife and mother kept me from devoting the amount of time I needed in order to properly document those daily joys.  In any event...I slowly slipped out of the habit. 

In January after my surgery, my life took an unexpected turn.  I fell into a huge depression.  That is a big ugly word no one really likes to talk about, but I am trying to wear it like a badge of honor.  Because like it or not, it happened and I think I'm better for it.  For days, I couldn't stop crying.  At one point, I was in the ER because of it.  Finally, two of my very dear friends sat me down on different occasions, and they each let me know I needed help.  I suppose it was obvious, but I'll be honest, I didn't want help.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I didn't want to face it.   I just wanted it to go away, which it obviously wasn't going to do  Long story short, I finally took their advice, and slowly began to start to feel like myself again. 


In any case, it's still a struggle, probably will be for a while I imagine, but I feel like even in those darkest of times I have been enabled to do what I have needed in order to take care of my family.  

Mental illness and disease is a daily part of my family.  I have children and a spouse that suffer from it, and it would appear I am no longer immune either :)  But I guess the point of this is that it's okay.  Yes, it's hard.  Yes, it stinks.  Yes, it's painful.  But discomfort always brings growth, and I have seen so much growth in myself over these last few months.   And since that's kind of the point of this little loveboat excursion called 'life' we're all on, I'm embracing it :)  

I came across this quote from one of Elder Holland's recent talks:

My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. .. On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal." - Jeffrey R. Holland

The last few months has taught me the truth of his words.  I know that in those moments where we are less than whole for whatever reason, we are never left alone.  I have felt the guiding love and influence of angels on both sides of the veil, including those two friends who pushed me to get help.  I think now more than ever we need to remember the quote by Ian MacLaren (which I used to think was attributed to Plato, but apparently not)

 Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

10 beautiful birthday gifts....

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was a lovely day.  In the days leading up to it, I was quite certain my husband had forgotten.  There had been a lot going on both on the homefront and at work (he starts Tuesday as Hillfield's Interim Principal).  As Fancy Nancy would say, interim is a fancy word for substitute.  He's in the overwhelmed stage right now, but I know he is going to be amazing, and we have hopes that this will become permanent in the summer.

Anyways, so I thought he had forgotten, which actually was mostly fine because I wasn't feeling like much of a celebration.  I knew without prompting the kids would forget, so my plan was just to continue on business as usual.  Not in a pity party way, this year I really was glad, and I honestly wanted nothing more than to be home, in my hoodie and sweat pants and to get on top of the house.  On Monday I get to have a little procedure to take out my pesky gallbladder, so all I really wanted for my birthday was to feel on top of things.

Enter in my many unexpected gifts...

Gift #1:  The day started with me waking up obscenely early, and FINALLY posting our new family pictures on my blog.  Such a little thing, but it's been weighing on me for days!

Gift #2:  Bryan woke up and was my knight in shining armor.  Not only had he not forgotten, but he worked so hard all day to help me get on top of things so I wouldn't be so overwhelmed next week.  Knowing how he has been feeling, and how nervous he is for next week, that he would put all of that aside for me was really sweet.  I had not expected it at all.  He even made me a birthday cake!

Gift #3:  My mom's house has, like a lot of us during this crazy winter, had frozen pipes which also broke and flooded her house.  Due to a secondary problem it flooded again yesterday.  In spite of this, she was STILL going to come down and see me!  Thankfully, I was able to talk her into coming down a different day so she could take care of the mess, but even better was my sister offered to go up and help her get things taken care of.  I wasn't feeling the best, so I wouldn't have been very useful up there but it was so nice to know things were being taken care of so I didn't have to feel as guilty!

Gift #4:  I was inundated with calls, texts, visits and gifts from family and friends.  I honestly did not expect that many people to remember!   I got writer' cramp from writing thank you responses to all the kind messages I received on facebook.   I had visitors beginning at 9am,and the last one came just before 10pm.  It was a full, happy day.

Gift #5:  Zerin had a friend over, and it was just so nice to see him happy and playing and enjoying himself. I am so very grateful he has good friends.

Gifts #6-7:  Aeden and Asher both got along most of the day.  There was very little fighting.  On a cold winter day when they were stuck in the house, that was more than a little amazing, which is why it qualified for 2 gifts :)

Gift #8:  Bryan got me a gift card so I could go pick out some new snow boots.  I took the two older girls, and let me just tell you, seeing Belen in a shoe store is something you all need to add to your bucket lists! :)  She was so funny!  She was like a pinball in a pinball machine going from pair to pair to pair.  She would get dramatic, flip her hair and say, "These are the cutest shoes EVER!!!" By the end when we were checking out, most of the girls in the store had laughed at her at least once, and I asked her, "Girl, where did you come from?"  She, without missing a beat, and without looking up simply said, "New York."  I'm in for it with this one :)  It was so much fun :)

Gift #9:  Mandalen has learned the art of showing off.  When Bryan's Mom came over to visit me, Mandalen started spinning and giggling herself silly.  It was so funny and the more we would all laugh, the more she would do it, which of course made her dizzy, which there is nothing funnier than a dizzy toddler, am I right?!  :)

Gift #10:  Liah was invited by one of her very good friends to a late over birthday party yesterday.  It was in Layton which is about 20 minutes away, but thankfully some of the other moms were carpooling and they offered to take and pick up Liah.  That would have been gift enough, but when she came home, she was full of so much giggly, happy sparkle I nearly cried.  I don't get to see this side of her very often, so to end my day seeing her so completely and totally happy was probably one of the best gifts I have ever received.

And that was my birthday.  Somehow, being 36 has turned out to be a lot more fun than I had planned :)

Perspective...

I have been thinking a lot about this lately.   Our perspectives are each incredibly unique.  They are created, formed, and molded by our families, our experiences, our mentors, our education, our belief system, our religion, and our hopes for the future just to name a few.  Not to mention by what I so eloquently refer to as, "the stuff that comes with us."    I have caught myself lately getting very frustrated with others for not seeing things from my perspective or for buying into what I consider to be ludicrous ideals and philosophies.  Ideals that, from my standpoint, are no more viable than a 2-legged stool.  Yet they hold to theirs as vehemently as I hold to mine.  I, of course, believe mine to be 'right', but interestingly enough, so do they.  Go figure :)

I tend to be pretty private about some aspects of my life, which I assume to be pretty typical of most of us.  One of those aspects has to do with some of the things my children deal with.  I do, however, oscillate between wanting to protect that most vulnerable part of themselves, and wanting to help and empower other parents who have had similar experiences as I have had.  Today I am going to tip more toward the latter, because maybe someone out there has felt like I have these past few years as I have struggled to deal with these issues.

These guarded parts of my life are difficult for me to talk about, however, because everyone has a perspective of what worked for them.  Please understand this is not a plea for someone out there to fix my kids.  I am merely sharing my experience.  

Three of my children have diagnosed AdHd of varying levels and types.  I have suspicions since it is likely genetic, that more, if not all of my children also have it, but time will tell.  One of my children has diagnosed severe GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), and is being watched for Bipolar II which typically isn't diagnosed until post-adolescence.  Those three children have been in therapy, and one currently receives medication for anxiety and depression.

Last night while visiting with a friend, the subject came up.  As is very typical when I do tell people (and I didn't even tell her everything), the reaction came, "Oh I don't believe that!  Are you sure?  Don't you think that is just normal kid behavior?"  Part of me wanted to laugh and say, No, I'm not sure, but I have spent more than $_______, sought out the best doctors I know to be out there, and prayed my very hardest to try to BE sure!  Another part of me wanted to cry for having such a difficult part of my life and experience as a mother dismissed so easily by someone who's opinion I value.  But instead, I sat and listened, and then did my best to explain why we were sure.  I could tell she wasn't convinced.  In her mind  I felt, I was now one of "those" moms.  

As I was licking my wounds later that night, it came to me that my revelation was not my friend's revelation. She wasn't being mean, or cruel or demeaning...quite the opposite.  Her perspective and experience as a mother helped create her reaction.  Who knows what kinds of experiences had led her to that point.  Perhaps those experiences had taught her to be wary of doctors trying to pigeon children into diagnoses that don't always ring true.  In any case, I realized that instead of being hurt by this barrage of reactions from people like my friend, I need to try to learn from the unspoken lessons they teach me about their perspective, and the experience and wisdom that has shaped their unique position.

It is hard to not be understood.  It is hard to not be validated, especially on something that you are so emotionally invested in.  It's hard to feel alone.  In the beginning before I realized the scope of what my children were dealing with, I had lots of opinions, and in an effort to help other moms like me, I wanted to share.  I wanted to know other people agreed with me and the choices I was making for my children.  But most didn't.  Most couldn't.  I don't believe you can truly understand or empathize most things unless you have experienced them.  And mental illness looks and acts so different in each individual, that it only stands to reason that the way we each handle it would be different too.  And that is okay...good, even.   That being said, I have been very blessed with a treasured few who do understand, and who have walked this road with their own children and experience.  On one of those hard days when it felt like no one on the planet got it, one of those people called out of the blue to chat.  I felt so grateful she was listening to the Spirit to know that I needed her in that moment, a moment when I didn't even realize how much I needed her until it was over.  We're never alone, regardless of how often it can feel that way.

I am learning how many things I myself cannot yet understand.  It pains me to think of how many times I have hurt, and will likely continue to hurt, others just as my friend unintentionally hurt me, simply because I couldn't understand.  I suppose that is part of the journey to becoming Christlike:  learning to see others as He sees them.  Because He suffered for every pain, every heartache, and every struggle, of course He understands.  That and His divinity are why He can.  If we truly want to become more like our Savior, it only stands to reason that these experiences, albeit difficult, are there not only for our growth and betterment, but also in part to teach us to more completely love our brothers and sisters, as He loves them.

So that's my belated resolution if you will, to try to resist the urge to be offended, and instead to try to more fully understand and see the person as our Savior consistently sees and understands me and each of us.  Let's hope I can at least make it to February with this one :)

Family Pictures

A few weeks before Christmas, I had the thought that we needed a family picture.  Given our situation, I knew the chances of doing one properly were next to none, but I kept racking my brain on ways to make it happen.  Shortly thereafter, my friend, Alie, came to mind.  My kids have never done well at pictures.  And because no one cares about getting them done as much as I do, I am usually bordering on a raging maniac (not an exaggeration) in the minutes leading up to the appointment, so I wanted to keep this as low-stress as possible.  I told her I didn't want perfect, all I wanted was one shot of us all in the same picture, preferably not looking angry, but even that last one was negotiable.  I asked her how much she would charge for 10 minutes...long enough to set up the camera, point and click a couple few times.  She told me she didn't think she would be able to get one in 10, but she knew she could in 30 and would that be alright.  She then prorated her rate (which was VERY generous) which was exactly the amount I had earned cleaning that week.  Suffice it to say, the end product was better than anything I could have imagined.  I am so very grateful to her for capturing what I couldn't, our whole family.  Thank you Sally Photography!

my Christmas miracle...

On this Christmas Eve, I would like to share a Christmas story...my Christmas story.  And like all good Christmas stories, it ends in a beautifully sweet way.

The year had been a difficult one for our family.  Several medical issues had left our family feeling both physically and financially exhausted.  Through little blessings here and there we were able to squeeze by the past few months.  One month this summer, I made it to the end of the month, thinking we had barely squeaked by, when I realized I had forgotten to turn in our tithing check.  It had been many years since I had gotten behind in my tithing, and I had vowed at the time it would never happen again, so I was sick about it.  Tithing is a blessing to me.  I know I get far more blessings by paying it, than the Lord benefits from our tiny offering, so my obedience is probably somewhat selfish :)

At that same time, my girls and I got sick.  In September, doctor visits and medications took every last cent.   I wasn't able to even dent the amount we needed to pay back, so I decided to talk with our Bishop.  I told him our situation, and explained I was in a situation where I had to choose between tithing and the doctor.  He was quiet for a bit, and then said, "Pay your tithing.  It will work out." 

I admit, I left feeling very nervous, even nauseous :)  but at the same time committed to following his council.  Bryan was blessed to pick up extra classes to teach at the University of Phoenix.  We had hoped to use the money to pay off some of our debts, but we poured every cent towards our tithing.  Finally in mid-November, we finished paying our back tithing.  It was a huge relief and I felt so much peace knowing we had done the right thing.  One week later, the day before Thanksgiving, our car broke down.  It had taken every penny we had to pay off our tithing, and even much of our food budget for the month, so we knew we couldn't get it fixed.  

A few days later, I realized I had grossly underestimated our monthly expenses.  I was sick to my stomach and didn't know what I would do.  Later day that, my mom called out of the blue to check on me.  Not that this is unusual, but her persistence in asking questions was unusual for her.  Finally I relented and told her what was going on.  It felt good to talk about it, and I felt better afterwards.  The next day, I got a text from her to check our account.  I had never given her figures or amounts, but she had deposited an amount that almost to the penny covered our bills.  In an act that was likely more literal than figurative, she gave me the coat off her back asking nothing in return.  It's a blessing and a comfort having a mom like her who loves me so much, taking no thought for herself.

Another blessing was Bryan's dad's truck.  We had intended to buy it after his dad passed away four years ago, but then like now, things kept coming up which made that impossible.  In spite of that, his mother has let us use it as if it were ours.  It's a beautiful truck, a 1976 custom Silverado with less than 40,000 miles...yes that is right, 40,000.  It was his dad's baby, so it didn't seem right to just drive it into the ground like some lousy commuter car, so after a lot of thought, we decided Bryan would take the van to work, while I used the truck for emergencies at home.  It has been such a blessing in so many ways, every time I look out in our driveway, in spite of feeling horrendously guilty that it's uncovered after he kept it so well-preserved for the better part of 20 years, I feel a deep love from Bryan's parents, that love is a gift to me at a time when I really needed it.

I blame it on being preoccupied with the finances, but I had completely forgotten about two appointments, and at the last minute, realized I had no babysitter.  I hate finding babysitters.  I can't pay what I know they are worth and deserve for the time, but I also hate just expecting people to do it for free.  So I did what any mooch would do, I called my sweet mother in law :)  She, yet again, dropped everything and came and saved the day.  Belen was beyond thrilled to get an extra playdate with her Grandma :)

My children have been a source of blessings as well.  When I explained some of the situation to them, Zerin, Liah and Aeden really stepped up, quite literally in fact, by walking to and from school, which is about a mile away up a very steep hill.  We have had neighbors that have offered to take them any time, but it has made me so proud to see them do what it takes to be ready 40 minutes earlier than usual so they can leave and get to school on time.

Our neighbors, Stick and Melba have been so good to our family since we moved here and even way before.  Stick's grandpa is the one who built our home over 135 years ago, so we have a special connection to their family.  On a day when I was really struggling, I went and asked Stick for a blessing.  I felt so much peace after that blessing, I knew things would work out even though at the moment, I couldn't see how it could.  Later that same day, Melba came over with an envelope with enough money to cover our most pressing past due bills...I had not given her any amounts.  She also offered to let us use their van whenever we needed, so we were able to borrow it to get to the kids' appointments in SLC.  They will also make another appearance towards the end of this story.  I still don't have the words to properly thank them for what they have done.

Since Bryan was not been hired in the spring, I knew in May that Christmas was going to be lean, so we had started early accumulating a few little things for the kids.  Thankfully by December we had a good jump on shopping, and were able to finish up our lists pretty quickly.  

One thing you have to know about me though, is not only am I am terrible with numbers, but I am especially bad with money.  I cannot seem to grasp the concept of 1+2=3   I'm trying, but I am pretty lousy at it.  So anyways, I finished our shopping at the beginning of the month, but somehow, I had added incorrectly, and instead of breaking even like I thought I had figured, we actually were several hundred dollars in the negative.  Funny considering I hadn't spent anywhere even close to that on Christmas.  Actually not funny, but interesting :)  In a nutshell, our financial situation was 100% my fault.  I was panic stricken.  We were less than two weeks into the month, and already our money was completely gone with nothing for gas, or food, or even the remaining several bills that were still due, let alone anything extra for the little touches that I had felt were mandatory for a magical christmas for my children (ie.  ingredients for Christmas treats, little Christmas morning treats and gifts, etc.).  I had no idea how I was going to make it work.  

Several days later, we came home from church to find two large boxes:  one of oranges and one of apples.  I cried what Liah calls, 'happy tears'.

A little more than a week ago, after being in torment and constant tears, I called our Bishop.  I knew I could make it through until our next payday in two weeks barely if I could just get 3 gallons of milk, and get one doctor co-pay covered.  He invited me to come see him at 8pm that night.  I couldn't bear to tell Bryan how dire things had become, because he had been working so so hard, day and night, and I knew he would construe this as a failure on his part.  Thankfully, he was teaching that night, so I didn't have to explain anything.  Side note, being the smart guy he is, two days later he figured it out, and was as kind and forgiving as anyone I have ever known.  At about 6pm, our bishop showed up at our door with a large bag of fruit and two gallons of milk that undoubtedly came from his own pocket.  I cried some more :)

That night, as I explained to him, or tried to, he kindly listened.   After it was over, I had a check for the amount of a copay, and a bishop's order for some groceries.  I later found out he was suffering from a case of shingles.  I was incredibly grateful, but I was so so so low.  I felt like a complete and total failure.  I hated myself for the mess I had caused our family.  I hated for having to bother the bishop, especially when he was so ill himself.  It was a sad, dark place.

The next morning, there was a card on our door.  The outside of the card said "Christmas Blessings" and the handwritten message on the inside said "much, much love and prayers."  In the card was a large amount of money.  I sobbed.  I knew where it had likely come from, but not for sure.  With that, I paid another bill, and a heavy weight lifted from my shoulders.

Four more times that happened.  Different cards, different handwriting or no handwriting, large amounts of money.  And this morning, Stick came over with two large boxes of food, and a large sack with gifts for the children.  The money and food paid for all of our remaining past due bills, as well as stocked our cupboards fuller than I think they have ever been.  My heart heaved with gratitude and deep humility for not only the generosity of those who had blessed us so much, but also that my Father in Heaven, in spite of my weakness that caused the situation, in His loving mercy and grace provided manna from Heaven for my family and I through the hands of these people.   There are likely other blessings I am failing to mention since I didn't write them all down when they happened, but the impression this outpouring of love had upon my heart is deep and everlasting.  Each expression of love is part of the bigger miracle.

I don't know if my kids realize, or will remember this Christmas compared to others they have or will enjoy, but it will be one that I can never forget.  I know that these blessings not only came because people are so, so good, but I know they also came because we paid our tithing.  I have a deep, unshakable testimony of the blessings of paying a full tithe.  I know that our Heavenly Father is aware of us, each of us, in an unmistakable, personal, intimate way.  I know this story may not come across as more than just another happy ending, but to me, it has probably been one of the greatest miracles I have ever experienced.   I will never be able to properly express my gratitude, or even convey it to those who have so abundantly blessed my family.  But I pray that one day I can help someone else feel the depth of our Father's love as so many have helped me feel this special Christmas.

medicine.

As our little giardia saga continues, the girls, more than 3 months after their symptoms started, still have diarrhea.  We did stool samples on each of them, which came back positive for the toxins associated with it.  Mandalen also had no white blood cells in her stool and Belen's were very low which indicates a continued infection.  So, the dr. wanted to treat the whole family in case someone was reinfecting them somehow.  For the record, I HIGHLY doubt that has happened.  Their symptoms have been almost constant for the better part of two months, and for those of you who have had giardia, you know it is anything but consistent.  You'll have a good day, a horrible day, a bad day, an okay day, and then repeat, but in different orders.  I won't be surprised to find when this is over, it is actually a secondary problem, making all of this trauma for naught.  But I don't have a degree or two cool letters behind my name, so what do I know.

This has been a horrid experience.  This morning as I half sat on Belen, forcing the medicine syringe into her mouth with her screaming, thrashing, kicking, and clamping her mouth shut, it slipped and gouged the inside of her mouth.  As I saw the blood coming out of her mouth I just lost it.  "I'm trying to help you!  Why are you making it so D%&$ hard?!"  Three times a day we do this.  There is spitting, gagging, puking, hitting, punching, scratching, and always tears involved...hers and mine.

Mandalen is cute, she hates it, but she'll swallow making an utterly disgusted face, and then stick her tongue out as far as it will go for about 10 minutes.  She'll even half smile at me, almost as if to say, "This is so bad, it's almost funny!"

Thankfully, Asher finished his last dose last night, he was my other tricky one, which makes us down to the last two girls for just under another week.  When I was giving it to all 3 kids, each round would take on average an hour to an hour a half to get down all 3 of them.  Only doing two will likely cut it down to maybe only a half hour, which will be nice :)

Our car gave up the ghost just before thanksgiving and is gladly awaiting the resurrection.  So Bryan takes the van to work.  We have been very grateful his dad's truck is running so I can get Asher to preschool.  And our sweet neighbors, the Hills, have offered to let us use their van when we have to go longer than a few blocks (since I can't legally fit more than 2 kids in the truck at a time).   It's funny how deprived I thought I was having a van that didn't fit my family.  I can honestly say we are not deprived, but very blessed to have it and the use of the truck.

We have been trying to do fun things with the kids in anticipation of Christmas.  We went to Temple Square, watched Christmas movies, drank hot cocoa, read Christmas stories, and made little gifts for friends.  I am so grateful for my children at this time of year.  They are my saving grace.  They keep me going.  I love them with all of my heart.  They make me crazy angry with frustration many days, but I get them.  As hard to swallow as they can sometimes be, they are my best medicine.

Weeds...

While I was working outside today, Asher and I had an interesting conversation about weeds that went something like this.  Just one more example of why I should practice these types of conversations BEFORE they actually happen.

Asher:  "Mom, why do we even have weeds?"

Me:  "Since Adam ate the off-limits fruit in the garden, Heavenly Father punished him by putting weeds in the flowers."

Asher:  "That's not true Mom, why would Heavenly Father make weeds."

Me (trying to put a positive spin on the story):  "Well, He did.  But it's good because if Adam and Eve wouldn't have eaten the fruit, we wouldn't be here because they would have had to stay in the garden and they never could have had babies."

Asher:  "Oh!  So weeds make babies."

Me:  {silently thinking to myself, Crap!}

a long post...

I have a terrible memory.  It's true.  If I didn't keep a journal, I'm pretty sure most of my memories and experiences would be lost forever.  Because of that, I want to take a minute to document the last few weeks.  This is not really an entertaining post, so don't feel bad at all if you want to skip it over :).

Around the end of August, I started feeling not great.  Understatement.  I felt awful.  I didn't think much of it, I blamed it on stress.  But when by the end of September nothing had changed, and then Belen and Mandalen started having symptoms, I caved and went to the doctor.  Long story short...giardia.  I know, crazy.  Thankfully, as of this morning, I feel like I'm finally starting to return to feeling normal.

Okay, so I don't know how many of you have experienced the fantastic inner cleansing that is giardia, but yeah, not my favorite.  This also happened to coincide with the beginning of the school year, Bryan being out of commission more or less (his back is finally starting to heal!), new therapy appointments for both Liah and Aeden, which are weekly endeavors, PTA birthday tables I had to run 3 times last month (summer birthdays as well as September), a ward newsletter to get out, canning, and yard cleanup to prepare for fall.  Oh, and then the dog, Alex, got sick.  He had a large area  of dermatitis under his ear that got infected, along with a cracked tooth which got infected, and both things led to a staph infection that nearly proved fatal.  But I'm happy to say that after a minor surgery, some great medicine, and 3 weeks in a cone, he's now good as new :)  The only down side is his medication makes him have to urinate much more often, so weekly carpet cleanings are also now on the order.  At one point, between, me, the dogs, and the kids (I won't even count Bryan), we had 12 medications to take multiple times each day.  Remembering medicine is not my forte, but we made it through the worst, and for that, I felt pretty proud of myself :)

Oh and dinner.  Why the why when you feel like garbage does everyone still need to eat every.single.night?!  Good thing my kids are forgiving when it comes to menu variety.  And even though we have kept our extra activities to a minimum, it has just felt like we were constantly on the go.  Add to the mix a sweet 4 and 2 year old that lacked attention (lack of attention does not mix well with their personalities), and some crazy fun car and money stress, and you have the makings for what could have potentially been an epic mental breakdown on my part :)  I could have easily used an extra 12 hours in each day if I was feeling well, so with me feeling like garbage, making it to 9pm every day felt like a major accomplishment :)

As I was sitting in one of Aeden's therapy sessions last week, I was near tears as the therapist asked me to describe some of what our family has been facing.   It was a little bit of a downer having to put it all out there, but in a way it felt good to talk about it too.   I know we certainly don't have it harder than anyone else, and I've been grateful for little glimpses I've had into other people's trials during this time to help me regain some perspective.  Perspective is so key in positively handling your stuff I've found.

Another key element to handling it is faith.  We're promised we won't be given more than we can handle, right?!  We're promised if we pay our tithing the blessings will pour out greater than our capacity to receive them.  In short, we're promised it will all be okay. Not perfect, not problem free, not stress free, but okay.  I have been clinging to those promises these past several weeks.  I am grateful I grew up in a home where I was taught the principle of faith and how to develop and nurture it, so that when the time came (like now) where I needed it, I had already begun the process of helping it grow so I didn't need to start at ground zero.

So anyways, back to my perspective (which was pretty crappy if I'm being honest), I forced myself to get thinking...again...about how blessed I have really been.  A little 'glad game' if you will.  This sickness really could have had me down flat in bed for weeks.  And yet I haven't missed one single day.  I may not have been pleasant to be around, but I've been able to do what I had to do.  I've been enabled beyond my own abilities and limits.  I know that enabling power came from the gift and power of the Atonement, and I am so grateful.

We have also been served in many, many ways.  When I wrote this post initially, I tried to list them all, but it quickly became impossible.  People are so good.   Here are a  just a few of them...

Our hometeachers spent the better part of a Saturday helping us get our yard ready for winter.  I couldn't have gotten that much done if I had spent all day every day for a week working.

An wonderful friend out of the blue offered to pay for my kids' piano lessons so they could start up their lessons again.  Stopping piano a few months ago was a source of so much guilt, and I had never told anyone but maybe Bryan how I felt.  So her calling was a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father.  

Bryan's mom was so gracious and agreed to start giving Liah sewing lessons!  This has been so good for Liah, not just because of the sewing, but because she loves having time each week with her grandma.  I know it will be a precious memory she'll carry her entire life.

Another good friend won tickets to this weekend's BYU vs. Oregon State game, and gave the tickets to Bryan and Zerin.  They both had so much fun!

Another good friend arranged for me to take Bryan in November to Midway for a weekend AND to watch my  brood.  Bryan had said a few days earlier that he had finally thought of something he would like to do (go somewhere to spend the weekend together sans kids).  So that made it an even more timely and perfect surprise.

My kids have great counselor's and doctors.  The timing behind starting therapy and getting to the bottom of some of their individual struggles has been nothing short of divine intervention.  I am so grateful for the good, talented, and kindhearted individuals who are working with my kids to help them be amazing in spite of some of their challenges.

...and that isn't even all of it.  I feel like through the love and kindness of others, I have been carried.  I have been given constant reminders that we're being watched over, and knowing you're not alone is sometimes all you need.

General Conference last weekend was another blessing and answer to my prayers.  I felt like Heavenly Father gave me a very clear blueprint of exactly what I need to do in the midst of our circumstances to not just survive, but thrive during this time.  One of my favorite quotes was this one by Elder Holland....

It's funny how even when you feel completely burdened down by so much to do,

the answer often times is more work :)

Watermelon...

Last year at the primary program, Asher was able to help write his talk. It said something like 'I am thankful for__________' and he had to fill in the blank.  Well, Asher loves watermelon, so that's what he put!  Our poor primary presidency!  But, they had told him he could do it, so it stayed.  He practiced and practiced and got it just right.  When he gave his talk, of course everyone giggled.  I think that moment flipped a switch somewhere inside his little brain, and in that moment, a monster was born ;)

Fast forward to this year.  Same kind of thing as last year only the first part was 'I can keep the commandments by_________.'  They tried to guide the children I think, but Asher, remembering last year, but still trying to be good finished it with 'eating good food.'  Pretty good right?!  So we practiced.  And practiced.  But he has a memory.  A great memory, and so do his siblings.  I overheard one of them saying something like, "Say watermelon!  Say watermelon!"  You see where this is going.

Fast forward to today.  On the way to church, in a last minute attempt to sway his devious plan, I tried to compromise.

"Asher, you just need to say your talk.  Say, 'I can keep the commandments by eating good things like watermelon.'  You just have to say what your talk says, okay?"  Probably a mistake.

Anyways, so his class gets up to deliver their talks...he was last.  Right when I saw him scanning the crowd, he got the biggest, most mischievous smile (see above) you can imagine, and I knew exactly what he was planning to do.  My friend who watched it unfold today later compared it to that moment in the Sandlot when Squints, after being kicked out of the pool for kissing the lifeguard said, "Been planning it for years!"

He looked over at his teacher, who was trying to prompt him, and smiled an enormous huge smile, and in a loud confident voice, said into the microphone,

"My name is Asher Skelton.  I can keep the commandments by eating WATERMELON!"

Bless his sweet little mischievous class clown heart :)

Yellowstone with the Baileys...

Last weekend, one of my uber-wonderful friends invited us to spend the weekend with them in Island Park/Yellowstone.  I was pretty nervous to go that far by myself with all 6 kids and to leave Bryan, but it just seemed to be something we really needed to do, so off we went.  When we made it to Idaho Falls, the kids saw this and HAD to take a picture while we were driving.  Not bad for a 10 year old :)

The Baileys have 7 kids, and their kids match up almost perfectly to ours.  It was so much fun watching them all pair off and become such instant great friends.  Here is Liah and Sadie, instant BFF's (and Belen and the naked Barbie...sorry about that!)

Aeden LOVED their van!  He has given me his blessing for us to buy one, I'm thinking 'About time Aeden!' I'm pretty sure he thinks that's all we've been waiting on :)  Too bad blessings don't pay car payments ey ;)

We had perfect timing, and made it to the sidewalk right as Old Faithful started going off.

The kids all loved it! 

Here we are at the Old Faithful Lodge.  Little side story:  Belen has an imaginary friend named Carlie.  Somehow, she got it in her head that Carlie lived here...the castle.  So as soon as we walk in, she starts yelling "Carlie.  CAR-LIE.  CARLIE!"  When we reached the top, Zerin, bless his heart, informed her that the dragon of the castle had eaten poor Carlie.  Needless to say she was very upset, and did not want to leave her dear friend to such a terrible fate.

The Baileys & a Groberg...LOVE this family!

We stopped at a little picnic area in Yellowstone to eat.

Zerin and Seth found this amazing little tree to enjoy their lunch in.  

Aeden asked to have his picture taken with every fake bear in West Yellowstone.

It was the perfect break.  I cannot even describe what a gift it was to see the kids all so relaxed and having such a good time.  It was pretty scary for me to descend on a family like that with 6 kids in tow, but they were so fun and kind, and made my 'little' family feel more than welcome.  It was exactly what we all needed.

Thank you Baileys!!!