Sugar and Spice

Does every mother think that their daughter is just absolutely beautiful? I just really really really love having a little girl.

Hard and Cool and Vulnerable and Exciting!

The other week I was chatting with some of my favorite gals. We were having fun laughing about the craziness of our kids and swapping our latest stories and challenges of motherhood. One friend exclaimed "I am so ready for my kids to go back to school!" Everyone immediately nodded their heads in agreement, then suddenly looked at me and said, "Sorry, Deborah."

Isn't that funny? (I wonder if they feel bad for me because I never will "send the kids back to school.")

I'm not sure I know what my friends meant by that. I'm not sure if people know what I actually think about the whole thing, anyway. It is definitely different (and better!) than I expected.

For several months before I officially started doing it, I mourned the loss of a specific lifestyle I felt like I was losing--the "time away" from my children during the day that I had enjoyed previously. I was concerned about the special concentrated time with some of my other, younger, children that would no longer be an easy possibility. I knew that taking the leap into homeschool would give me much less time to do what I loved to do like read, study food science, cook, spend easy social time with babies and toddlers at parks with friends, and accomplish errands with relative ease. I felt like--and sometimes still feel--that these were real sacrifices for the cause.

When the very first morning of the new public school year came and my children did not go I thought my heart would absolutely break. There is an energy in the air on the first day of school--an energy that you no longer participate in as a homeschooling mother. I knew that this year I would not be meeting with the large group of excited and exultant mothers dropping off their kids, rejoicing in the rite of passage together. It felt isolating and scary--especially in the sense that many of my peers and family members were not super enthusiastic about my choice either. What made it all worse, in a lot of ways, is that I felt really bad for my kids...sad that they didn't get to participate in the excitement and newness and change of going to public school.

I had no idea what I was trading it all for. Had I known then what I know now, we would have gone out that morning and had a celebration. Homeschooling is the best, hardest, and most fulfilling thing I have ever done.

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I have decided that homeschooling takes guts; it takes moxy. It takes dedication, time, energy and VISION!!! Sometimes I feel beat up and pooped. Sometimes I feel very vulnerable to the criticism from others who don't care and don't know what and why I am doing what I am doing. So, it is the vision and the potential of it all that keeps me going the most.

Early on Aaron and I wrote down eight things that we wanted for our children from the homeschool education that we have planned.

1. We want them to be able to approach a new idea or topic without hesitancy and to be able to self-learn about it.

2. We want them to be eternally curious and develop the attitude and habit of constantly learning and engaging--never thinking that you've "learned it all."

3. We want them to be able to see the hand of the Creator in all that is beautiful and good in the world.

4. We want them to be self-sufficient and independent.

5. We want them to approach different cultures and peoples with respect, curiosity, reverence, and appreciation.

6. We want to instill in them a sense of patriotism and gratitude for the country in which we live.

7. We want to emphasize and strengthen The Family as life's prime relationship and its centrality to joy and happiness.

8. We want them to learn to find joy and satisfaction in work.

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I try to follow a classical framework in my homeschooling. I like the way that it approaches learning--grammar, logic, rhetoric--and the concept of learning as a skill of first imitation (of the masters, and The Master) and then imagination.

I wrote down 13 personal reasons why I wanted to give my children a classical education and even now, three years later, I still get excited reviewing that vision.

1. As a mother, nurturer, and the one responsible for the children's education, I want to give my children an expansive view of their potential and opportunities in this life.

2. I want them to participate in the "great conversation" that has gone on through the passage of time. It is encapsulated in history, math, science, classic literature and the thoughts of great minds throughout time.

3. Like all children without limits, they are eager to learn and are naturally curious, interested and capable of learning in great and vigorous ways.

4. It will give them the skills to learn, read, write, think and speak proficiently.

5. It will enhance their study of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

6. It requires something of them. And it requires something of me.

7. Personally (and this is totally selfish), I will restore my own "proficient literacy" at the same time--gaining the classical education that I did not have.

8. It will help them master the fundamentals.

9. By gaining the tools of classic learning, they will be empowered to any discipline that interests them.

10. Their world will become much more interesting and enriching. (A small example: Being familiar with the elements of classic myths, fairy tales and legends automatically makes your experience as places like Disneyland much more interesting and vivid because you know what they are talking about.)

11. I want them to know that it is never too late to learn, that throughout time people have learned under the tutelage of masters, and that the great responsibility of learning is, then, teaching.

Then, with my own predilection towards english...

12. I want to teach them the rules and origins of our own mother tongue so that they can more easily appreciate, utilize and explore all languages.

13. I want them to love to learn.

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Magnets are wonders!

Read!!!

Ahhh. Brothers.

Charmsville

Science rocks!

Food science: practical and delicious!

Booyah!

"Atoms are very small..."

Marshmallow molecules

Chemical reactions are everywhere!

The List

Some Positive Progression in A since starting the Program (things that may seem normal, but in most cases I have never seen him do before):

He gets dressed without me asking him to
He puts his pants back on after going to the bathroom (for years we have called him "the Flasher" because he was always naked after the bathroom)
He puts his shoes on by himself when I ask him to
He feels empathy for others
He is more calm
He plays with children in the neighborhood
He is active in play
He plays imaginatively
He sits in the back of the car on long car rides without bothering his brother (this is big, folks!)
He notices kind things that other people do for him
He is not bothered by the textures of clothing and blankets anymore
He has not had a total meltdown tantrum for weeks
He does not hit or bite as often
He stays at the dinner table for dinner
He follows directions that I give him
He is happy!
He has lost weight and fits clothes appropriate for his age (before he didn't fit any clothes and had to wear his older brother's clothing which looked odd...)
He doesn't jump on people as much
When visitors come to the door he does not get in their face as much
He is much stronger and able to play better at the park
His balance has dramatically improved and he is suddenly able to ride a bike well
He is more engaged in Primary
He does not bully the kids in the neighborhood or at the park
He does not bully his brothers
He has not been spanked or put in time out for weeks
He feels much more confident and content

The Brand-New Day

We are almost done with the first part of the Brain Balance program (the official portion that involves going to the center), and I can honestly say that we have seen dramatic improvement in A. Actually, I didn't even realize how much improvement we have seen and made as a family until I re-read some of my posts from January. Wow! I hate to throw around words like "dramatic" and "miracle" when talking about this because I don't want to give the wrong impression about his progression in the past months and I don't want to come across as melodramatic. However, looking back, it has truly been miraculous for us. We have seen changes and improvements in A that I was hoping to see and we have seen changes and improvements in A that I didn't even realize needed improving. Heck, we've seen changes in the entire family. 

To be totally honest with you, in the past I had personally characterized A negatively and authoritatively (as if this is just "how he is"). I had labeled him in my mind primarily as a "Lazy kid" or a "Bully" or just a smarty-pants that struggled with proper behavior simply because he wanted to. And I am realizing how unhealthy that was to think of him that way and treat him that way (and let others think of and treat him that way). Through doing this program I have seen so much goodness in A, so much intent to do good, so much determination and endurance, and so much charity. 

He is still himself--a firecracker funny and interesting child. Which is great! I was talking to a friend several weeks ago about some concerns she was seeing in her child and we talked a little about the Brain Balance program. She kind of recoiled and said that she wasn't concerned about "changing her child." And that caught me off guard. I hadn't realized that I had been talking all of this time in a way that made others feel like I wanted to "change" A. Or maybe I was just speaking of the program in terms of its abilities in "changing" a person. 

This is so unfortunate that I came across this way because the concepts taught in the Brain Balance program are applicable in every home. Really! I can now see clearly some of the implications of brain development (appropriate and/or delayed) in the children (and adults!) all around me. I have learned so much about children, about myself, about growing brains and bodies, about our abilities to overcome and progress,  and about giving grace to others on their personal journey through mortal life.

I don't believe that the Brain Balance program is a panacea (I don't think anything is). However I have found, through this process in the program, simple tools that have encouraged and produced a much happier and far more balanced son. 

What Brought Us to Brain Balance

I hesitate to write this post. Most of the time on this blog I just talk about me. Or food. I do this because it is easy and less prone to criticism that way. I don't like to get really open about the deep details of my children because, as any mother, I feel vulnerable for them and for me with them. So generally I stay away.

But, I feel compelled to tell Our Story, as you will, about our little family and why we decided to approach Brain Balance for help. I feel like I need to document this all, both for me and for any other family that might be struggling.

I think that every earnest mother cries at night once or twice a month about the issues she sees her children facing. I am concerned about every one of my children at various points of time. But I have been consistently puzzled by my little fire-cracker right in the middle--and this concern has been going on for a few years, now.

A is my third child and is five. He is funny, interesting, earnest, and a lot lot more. He is also a complete genius. He knows all of the states and capitals, can identify them by geographic shape alone and will recite them in alphabetical order for anyone who will listen; easily navigates through 3rd grade math curricula (He will check your wallet for paper currency and immediately tell you how many pennies/dimes/quarters the amount is equal to); reads independently well; knows more about the solar system than I have ever known including in-depth knowledge of black holes and certain nuances of gas planets; memorizes everything including long lists of English prepositions and lists of linking/helping verbs. He would have started public school this year--albeit one of the youngest in the class--had I not already committed to homeschooling all of my children. This, I thought, was a particularly good thing for me to do for him especially, considering how advanced he is academically and how young he seems, socially and physically.

Adults love him. LOVE HIM! They love how uninhibited he is in talking to them, putting his hands on his hips authoritatively and asking "Did you know...(fill in the blank with some fact about space {or whatever})? It seems really cute until they notice how adamant and exhausting he is at recounting facts over and over and over. Or how he completely invades their personal space and inapropriately jumps on them as he interacts.

In fact, he is a major space invader to everyone--young and old. Adults try to shrug him off or give a specific facial expression to show that it is enough and A doesn't seem to notice or read people at all.  No matter how much I talk to him, or scold, or promise rewards, it continues. This bothers me constantly as, when a stranger comes to the door, he immediately runs up to them trying to grab whatever they have in their hands. This embarasses me to death and for a long time I thought that it was just my bad parenting or something... I would always wonder why he seemed to discourteous.

With his peers and other children he does similar things, but it is worse because of their similarity in size. Often times I will look out the window to see A laying on someone or bonking into other children. He also bites, hits, and kicks. Oh joy.

This is all normal behavior, maybe, for a 2 year old, but not a 5 year old.

Kids avoid him, because he is a bully to them. And most of the time he hangs out by himself--at the park, in the neighborhood, with his brothers in the backyard. It seems like, most of the time, his interactions with other children, including his brothers, are limited to physically bothering them. Otherwise he is inside looking at books about space or talking to any adult who will listen to his cache of knowledge.

• He's a nightmare in the car--hitting, pinching, touching, and bothering anyone who is seated next to him. It is very stressful.
• He hates anything to be changed, irrationally so. Once, when I taped a paper to a cup for a special game that I was going to use for school for his brother, he screamed for about 5 minutes about how much he didn't want me to do that. Then he ripped the paper off the cup and tore it into little pieces. A similar thing happened when I put up a vinyl sign on our front door that said "welcome." He screamed, kicked, and slammed doors for over ten minutes, threatening to "scratch [the vinyl] off and throw it away." I was so confused since it had nothing to do with him.
• He does crazy daredevil things.
• He spent most of the last two years lounging around everywhere. Often I would find him throughout the day just laying on his bed or on the grass outside. He seemed tired often, but not sleepy. Though he slept well for naps and through the whole night.
• He doesn't really play with toys.
• He's had a vague tummyache every few mornings for a year.
• He screams and has a tantrum if we need to go anywhere in the car.
• He can't seem to follow multi-step directions.
• He seems depressed or bored most of the time.
• He physically bullies his brothers and stranger children. A few weeks ago at the park he pushed a little girl down the slide and then later ran up to a girl and pushed her down on the ground. I was so embarrassed and confused by his actions.
• Everyone puts him in "time-out"--primary, music class, other community children's classes. Even the day that Aaron and I went to our first presentation for Brain Balance, we came home to find that the babysitter had put him in time out for the rest of the night.

All of this is unfortunate because he is a great and very likable child. He is funny and thoughtful and says the most sincere and faith-filled prayers I have ever heard.

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Several weeks ago we had a particularly exhausting week of A's bullying behavior to his brothers. He would walk down the hall and then, out of nowhere, shove his little brother into the wall. Or he would walk into a room where his older brothers were working and knock down their toys or bite their ears or legs. We were all starting to flinch whenever he came into the room. And what was the most concerning of all was that we were starting to have very real relationship-damaging interactions in our family--both from me or Aaron scolding, yelling, spanking etc; and from his brothers seeking to avoid him and saying things like "I don't want him in our family anymore." This, coupled with the problems he has out of our home, I had had enough.

So, in tears I messaged my friend Tammy on Facebook. She had done the Brain Balance program in Georgia a few years ago with her two autistic sons and had remarkable results--so much so that she came back to Utah and opened up two centers there to help all of the other families that she could see that were struggling. I had read her blog and the books that she cited and was familiar with the philosophies behind the center. I asked her if she thought that the symptoms I cited for A were symptoms that "needed brain-balancing."

I was kind of embarrassed to write the message, honestly, because all of A's behavior could instead just reflect on my own poor parenting (and probably half of it still does), instead of her program. But I felt strangely compelled to talk to her and I felt desperate to do something for him. Tammy wrote back quickly and confirmed that A may benefit from the program. But it wasn't until I got to the center and read even more of the literature that I really saw all of the symptoms that he had--things that I never noticed before and just chalked up to his "funny personality."

So, we started the program.

To Please the Eye and Gladden the Heart

When you don't eat out very often and you try to focus on real foods, sometimes lunch is a just a beautiful and inspiring work of art. It's the same emotion you have when you notice a spectacular sunset, or walk by an endless field of flowers. You get this feeling that God really loves us and everything is good in the world.

Experiment Time!

So, after the horrible week, last week, I am feeling much better. (Hopefully, that means that the children are feeling better, too.  Inevitably they were being affected by the high stress level in the house) I feel like, in some ways, we are (I am) going through a kind of grief cycle in dealing with this new reality. I started out ok, can-do and gung-ho, then felt angry, then weepy and now assured. We can do this! Maybe everyone faces new challenges this way? I don't know.

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The first hurdle for me was/is the new regime of a lot of new "do" and a lot of new "don't." It is absolutely torturous to my little mind to try to get everything done that is required of me--schooling all of the children (while carefully excluding instruction for some that will undermine the program, and emphasizing it to others...not very easy), executing specific exercises with the children at least 3 times a day (this was taking over an hour each time, at first), eating a very specific and limited diet (this is especially difficult when we are out of town for the day and everyone is whining "I'm hungry!"), taking everyone to the next-town-over three times a week for instruction in the Brain Balance center, not to  mention the regular load of laundry, dishes, caring for a newborn and being a wife.

Luckily for me, Aaron is a great partner and my dearest friend in life. He has more confidence in me than I do in myself. He continually gives me the grace I need to stretch out wings and try something different. And he also helps to make it all possible.

About Saturday night we were feeling pretty good again here at home. Aaron and I did some more research into food choices and ideas.

I have come to realize that it is a mistake to limit my focus so much on wheat (and gluten) and the deprivation of it. In America we eat wheat and we utilize wheat as if it were the only grain around.  Sometimes we throw in rice or oats for funsies, but pretty much, wheat is king--at least, the only grain worthy of eating in bread and breadstuffs, right?  But that is like limiting your diet's protein to just, well, chicken. Sure, chicken is versatile and yummy and everything, but it is not a deal-breaker to knock it out of the diet, right? What about beef, pork, fish, nuts, beans, lentils, and other grains? As soon as I realized this comparison, my mind was off and I finally felt free. I need to experiment with other grains and starches. Heck! I live in America. Pretty much anything I want, food-wise, I can get. We are unbelievably spoiled!

So I tried using alternate "flours." But recipes offered by many people tasted off, not-quite there, and depressing. For example, I made some pumpkin muffins with almond "flour" as per a few recipes I found. Not good. Not what I wanted. Way too dense. Blah. Ditto with the coconut flour. Ok, so those are out as a major source of structure.

So, I used a gluten-free all-purpose flour (that was recommended by Bon Apetit Magazine) and tried the pumpkin muffins again. The first ingredient in that flour blend is garbanzo bean flour which equals a little better structure and nutrition. But the finished product still tasted, to me, like a copycat--trying to get there but not. It was too gluey and, for me only, tasted faintly like garbanzo bean (this kids loved them). Most other "gluten-free flour" and "gluten-free baking mixes" I have seen relies on sugar and white rice or potato starch/tapioca starch to get the job done. (Not very nutritious, not very flavorful and not good mouth-feel--all important characteristics for me.) So I was getting very confused and depressed.

Then I found a food-science book dealing with the structure and nutritional differences of different grains! Voila! We are talking Teff, Amaranth, Millet, etc, etc, etc. Combined with different starches like potato, tapioca, arrowroot; and some binders like xanthan gum and flaxseed, I KNOW that we can make some incredible and delicious food. Oh, and nutritious too.

Be still my beating heart.

Hitting a Wall

It was inevitable. Right?

Last week, I absolutely hit a wall. HIT A WALL, FOLKS. This is hard. This is draining. I am exhausted emotionally and mentally and physically. And there were several times I wondered to myself if this was A) even necessary afterall, and B) going to help in the long run.

I spent about three days straight, crying.

And then Aaron got called into the new Bishopric.

The Work Around

I know that there are tons of totally awesome and unbelievably good gluten-free recipes out there. And I totally get it. I get why people would want to try to mock it up and still feel like they are eating "normally."

But it just depresses me to the core.

The handful of times that I have been successful at dieting (admittedly weight loss, not lifestyle change), I have eaten well. Very, very well.

Honestly, to make this work, I'd rather make some pretty freaking amazing food that just happens to be naturally gluten-free.

I mean, seriously. We've been eating flourless chocolate cake and flourless peanut butter cookies for years around this joint. (I know, I know. We are not eating PB right now. But you get the point.) And the recipes are delish because they just are. They were flourless on purpose.

So I have decided to attack the new diet this way ON PURPOSE and not in spite of it.

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Tonight for dinner we had baked chicken with cilantro pistachio pesto, coconut rice, and roasted brussels sprouts. It was fabulous, and though it was "special diet" friendly, it was something we would have eaten anyway. Voila! Success!

By the way, never underestimate the power of pesto.

Trick It Out

Because I am limited in food choices lately, we've had to get a little creative.

So for breakfast I have been eating peaches with a sort of raw granola. It tastes like eating fruit with cookie dough sprinkled on top and is frightfully indulgent feeling.

(Clearly I have food relationship issues, right?)

It is just raw pecan butter (or walnut is good too) with raw oats, sea salt and a touch of honey.

I may never go back to parfaits!

The Soft Launch

We have a new diet. It is part of the program we are doing. Frankly, if we had not been doing this program I never would have attempted ANY diet that eliminates groups of food entirely. I just don't like the idea of it. In fact, I hate the idea of diets that eliminate--or advocate smoothies or shakes as meal replacements, for that matter. However, here we are...on a pretty strict elimination diet.

Yesterday was day 3 for Aaron and I on the diet. And, as expected, day number three was, well, killer. By about 3:00 pm I was starting to feel quite trapped--trapped by my "new" lifestyle which in turn was making me feel hesitant to even leave the house. We eat no wheat, gluten, dairy, soy, or peanuts. And there is a laundry list of other items to avoid as well, though they are not quite as ubiquitous in the American diet (except for, maybe, sugar and its variants).

To be honest (not sure if this is placebo effect, or what) I actually feel really really good. I haven't had a headache in days. I haven't felt crummy, bloated, foggy-headed, or tired in the afternoons or evenings. And my energy level is up. (I am starting to realize that I wasn't feeling very good before.) The next few months, really, will tell the tale about the "benefits" of this diet or not. I am hoping that, at the very least, it will nudge our family even more purposefully towards "real" foods and the delights of fruits and vegetables!

The boys are almost all the way on the diet. They have a few handfuls of Quaker Oat Squares in the pantry that they are munching on, but even that will be gone by tomorrow. And they received treats from well meaning primary teachers at church. (Sundays are going to be hard. I can tell. Even the question of the sacrament bread is causing me to scratch my head.)

So tomorrow it is, my friends. Tomorrow!

Tomorrow we will start EVERYTHING. The whole enchilada of intense things that encompass this exciting program. Plus we have travel for work in the center and a full day of schoolwork to accomplish on top of all of that.

Really I am not sure how to go about doing this all. What is funny is that I am most concerned about what I can bring on our outing tomorrow to feed my little brood.

They will be hungry.
Heck, I will be hungry.

And no one wants a hungry (read: grumpy) mommy.

The Cranium Experiment

We are enrolling one of our sons in Brain Balance, and applying the experience and knowledge to help our other children. Though it is a little intense and different, I am truly excited to embark on this journey together as a family. It has been interesting getting here. It is like I have always known that we would do this at one time or another. I have been reading about these philosophies for several years now, even the food sensitivity ideas, though we haven't had any obvious sensitivity issues. Nevertheless, it feels like we have been led to this moment and are ready now to take the leap. Maybe documenting it here can help other families.

"Every great work is, at first, impossible." - Carlyle

Is It Possible To Love Carrots This Much?

My sister-in-law sends the family sweet weekly updates about her family, which I love to read. Most recently, when I responded to her, she requested back that we tell her the good recipes we tried during the week. The following is my response this month.

A couple of weeks ago we had Carrot Ginger Soup for dinner again. It's a soup that seems simple but tastes wonderful and surprisingly complex. I always forget just how tasty it really is until we serve it up again. Best part is that the kids love it--all of them. Also, there is that sweet little bit about adding a dollop of herbed butter and chopped peanuts to the individual portions that makes it irresistible and quite breathtaking aesthetically. For a gourmand, it is heavenly.

Recap: February 2012

In February we poured the concrete

tore down the stucco

Rocked out with cousins

Put up walls

and Worked on our studliness

For the Voyeur in You

I am blogging what I eat, again. It is really enormously telling to write down what you eat every day. I know that I, certainly, think twice about eating that entire bag of marshmallows when I know that my neighbor can read about it the next day. Oh my!

So, even though I am not counting calories right now....for the baby....I don't want to gain 50 pounds like I always, ahem, may have done in past pregnancies.

Please spy on me occasionally. It helps me be a good girl.

Recap: January 2012

In January we decided we needed more room

So we got working as a family on a remodel

Dirty. But, fun.