Danielle's Big Day!

Today was Danielle's 10th birthday! She is sooo glad to be in double digits now! She is such a sweet and loving daughter. Today I was thinking back at when she was born and how excited I was to be having a little baby girl. She was bald nearly until she was 1 1/2 years old, however you would never know by the length and thickness of her hair now!

She wanted to go to Chili's for her birthday dinner and get RIBS! She made sure I brought the camera because she wanted a really good picture of her beautiful masterpiece she would create all over her face! This is her Masterpiece!

Kailey opted for the pizza, but Cameron

wanted ribs just like Danielle!

Danielle wanted Landon (her cousin) to come

with us since she is having an "ALL GIRL"

Slumber Party tomorrow!

Danielle received the Kit Movie and a

subscription to The American Girl Magazine

from her Nana and Papa.

Jim and I got her this "create your own style thingy"

that you plug into the computer. She was dying to have this.

So I am sure the girls tomorrow at the party will

have a blast creating makeovers on themselves!

Danielle received an American Girl Craft Pack

and earring holder from her GG and Grandpa! I am

so excited that Danielle will be able to organize her

massive amount of jewelry!

Auntie Ashley and Uncle Justin sent this cute shirt!

She looks so grown up!

GG and Grandpa made Danielle's favorite
dessert, Cherries in a Cloud! It was so
delicious!


Happy Birthday Danielle!
We love you! Love, Mom and Dad

An Announcement!

We just wanted to let you all know we have some exciting news! Yes, we are having another baby. I am just about 12 weeks and finally feeling better! This has been the worse 1st trimester I have ever had to endure! Thank goodness I am moving to that next stage soon! It's kind of funny because now my doctor refers to me as a "mature woman." Yeah, I am finally "mature." I had no idea how many tests they wanted to do on me....which I kindly declined all (you know those over 35 tests). My dad is pretty excited because I am due on his birthday, June 26.

Candle Lighting Ceremony

Forest Meadows funeral home put on a lovely program for grieving families on Sunday. We were blessed to hear beautiful sermons, listen to bell ringer musicans (one of these talented people is Danielle and Kailey's music teacher from school), light candles, and put up a Christmas ornament on a Christmas tree in memory of Evan.

We chose a chubby little ceramic angel....it looked so much like him! It was such a nice program. There were about 100 people in attendance...all grieving families. We hope Forest Meadows makes this a tradition!

Thanksgiving

My mom and dad helped put up
our Christmas decorations! Thanks!!


Evan's temporary marker. Kailey put an
Indian headband around the vase because Evan
would have loved to have worn it.


At the gravesite on Thanksgiving. My mom,
dad, brother Adam with his kids, Landon, Molly
Maggie, and Gordon. Jim, me, Danielle,
Kailey, and Cameron. My brother Aaron was
there too, but he was taking the picture.

Thanksgiving was really hard this year. I know I have so many blessings to be grateful for....but missing Evan was intensified. I am thankful for my family being here with us. I am so glad my parents decided to come for Molly's baptism (my neice) and stay with us during Thanksgiving. I know I would not have made it through very well without their love, support, listening ears, and many prayers.

On Thanksgiving we went to Evan's gravesite and placed a yellow flower in his vase. Yellow ("lellow") was his favorite color. We still have the temporary marker from the Funeral Home....I just can't seem to make myself create his permanent one.

Don't Tell Me

This poem was sent to me by a good friend.

Don't Tell Me

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on, Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

Judi Walker
(In Memory of Shane)
Copyright 1998

Tribute to Evan Chandler

I wanted to post the comments I made at Evan's funeral. I apologize for not doing this sooner. It's hard to open up "Evan's hole" and publish my memories because it reminds me so much of how much I miss that kid! He truly was "Our Little Sunshine!" One of the things I miss the most about him is when he would get out of his crib (with big sister, Kailey's help...except for the day of his death, he managed this all on his own!) run down the hall...his flat feet slapping the wood floor...now sprinting... to my and Jim's room then would come to my side of the bed and slap his arms on top of the bed and with the biggest grin say, MaMa , DaDA!" I miss that so much....every morning while laying in bed, I close my eyes and try to make that happen....it's only in my mind, but it makes me smile and cry.

Eventually I will post more of him, including Jim's talk at the funeral. I will soon include pictures and comments about his death, funeral and the love I constantly feel from him. He is close....he feels my pain...he strengthens me with his love.

EVAN'S TRIBUTE

Evan,

What an honor it has been to be your mother.

After having Cameron, our 4 year old boy, both Jim and I felt complete…we had two beautiful daughters and an adorable little boy. Shortly after Cameron’s birth, Jim had a dream of the most beautiful baby with thick, pure white hair and blue eyes. I think Jim had a hard time sharing this dream with me because he already felt overwhelmed with our 3 children. He said this baby was so beautiful that he was sure our next child would be a girl. I was so excited that Jim had this dream because even though I was content and happy with my other children, I loved the birth process, the amazing honor I feel when protecting a life within me.

My pregnancy with Evan was different and harder than the other children. I thought it must be due to the fact that I was 35 this time, but I felt different, something was different.

On the day Evan was born during the labor there was a point where my body became so weak and I started slipping away. I felt the distance and disconnection with my body, but with the grace of God, I was blessed to stay here and continue. When it came time to deliver Evan, that was a difficult experience. He had the cord so tight wrapped around him that my doctor had to cut his cord within me. She immediately followed with the words…”you have to get him out now.” With all my strength to push out those broad football player shoulders, he was born. He was gently taken away because he was blue, bruised and not taking the breath of life. He soon started to cry and our hopes were brightened, but then the doctors and nurses said that I could hold him for a minute, but then they needed to take care of him because his breathing wasn’t stable and he was grunting. I asked if I could nurse him first and they went out to talk about this.

As soon as they left, I asked Jim to give him a priesthood blessing of healing. By the time the nurses came back, his breathing had settled. I was able to feed him. The nurses/doctors also said that his bruising would last for about a week. However, by the time our 3 other children arrived to visit, the blue that covered his face had faded. What a miracle! Everyone was so amazed by his recovery that we didn’t have to stay longer than normal in the hospital.

Even though Evan was okay to come home, the first year of his life was difficult. He was sick so many times with breathing issues. He always had noise when breathing because of mucus he didn’t know how to cough out. But, this did not slow Evan down.

He was full of life and energy and growing and growing. He was going to be our linebacker or power forward for the Gators! If you have ever seen the size of his hands, you would understand why.

Evan’s 2nd year was less difficult with breathing issues and the last 6 months were complete bliss and amazing for this beautiful little boy. For he touched the hearts of many. Walking the street, the beach, at church, he said hi to everyone. He was the most outgoing, not even two year old, I have ever known. And when he said hi, he not only said it, he meant it. He would light up a total strangers face with his angelic face and big, cheesy smile. He brightened our life. He brought us pure joy with his fun personality.

He was a parrot. He wanted to learn to talk so early he mimicked everything his siblings said and did. Because of this, he became probably the biggest fan of Harry Potter. If any of you are familiar with the music that plays at the beginning of the DVD before you press play, you’ll hopefully recognize my attempt to mimic him. He would hummm, well not humm, but sing do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Pretty soon we woke up to that little tune every morning on the baby monitor. He also liked to hold a stick or what ever else that resembled a wand and he and Cameron would cast spells at us. His favorite spell was, in his words, was while holding the stick straight out in front of him and looking at you, would say, “EVIOSA” (which is a levating spell ;)

He also loved (even though he never saw any movies) Spiderman, superman, batman, and just recently saw a toy of the incredible hulk. His likes were the same as his big brother Cameron. He wanted to do whatever the big kids were doing. He wanted nothing to do with so called age appropriate toys. He wanted to be big, NOW! His last big accomplishment came on Friday night during the opening Ceremonies of the Olympics. We put the kids to bed early trying to institute structure again before school started. Well moments after, the boys were back in the family room….laughing. We asked what was going on and Evan, with the biggest, most proud smile, said, “I climbed crib, I climbed." This meaning he climbed out of his crib. Cameron immediately exclaimed so as not to have been involved, “Seriously, I didn’t help him.” Well as you can probably guess, it was a long night of putting him back in his crib. Finally, Evan said, “I watch too, Mommy.” I couldn’t help but pick up that angel boy and sit him on my lap and we watched the fireworks from the Olympics. When I took him back to his crib, he didn’t want me to leave so I sang him some of his favorite songs. And I layed on the floor next to him until he fell asleep.

On Saturday, we decided to leave our chores, much needed yard work, and our house a mess to spend time swimming with our children. I remember Evan snuggling on Jim’s chest in the water. He was a daddy’s boy and boy did his daddy love him. We had a wonderful afternoon and then a fun evening with friends that night. It was a glorious day.

On Sunday it was wonderful to sustain by brother as our new Bishop. This same day, Evan was able to spend time having lunch with GG, his grandma. And later take his last nap with my dad, his papa.

I believe Evan got to do everything he wanted to do. Evan loved to swim. He loved water. He loved swimming in pools, playing in the waves on St. Augustine Beach, drinking the water out of Fanning Springs, floating down the Ichetuknee River, and splashing in rain puddles. He would have loved the rain yesterday! And the thunder today!! His favorite thing was thunder, Jim taught him the ACDC song, dududdu, THUNDER....Evan would always chant that during the storms! (for you ACDC fans, I apologize for my attempt to recreate that song!)

He absolutely embraced life. From playing parachute in nursery, to swimming, talking, dancing, singing, snuggling, loving, learning to go Peepee on the potty, counting, knowing his colors…yellow being his favorite, no wonder he is our sunshine. He loved singing his ABC’s, humming Harry Potter and pretending to cast spells, climbing, sliding, swinging, and picking tomatoes, ripe and unripe out of our garden. He loved and adored his siblings, and especially smiling and bringing light and love to everyone he saw.

He was an angel. He caused everyone to take notice of him and would leave you remembering him. I remember seeing so many strangers faces brightened when Evan would look right up at them and said hi and smile until they returned the favor to him.

He made me connect with people. I am just amazed at how young he was and what an impact he made on so many lives. He truly was sent from above to spread love and peace to many. I am so honored to be his mother forever and look forward to the day when we embrace and he smiles that smile and warms my heart.

I want you all to know that I know I will see Evan again. I will have the opportunity to raise him until adulthood during the Millenium. I have no doubt about that, and knowing that gives me the strength and endurance to go on.

I have a testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. His atonement is the only reason that the "hole" inside me can become "whole." I rely heavily on the atonement. I have felt Christ's comforting arms surround and envelope me....I turn to Him daily for much needed comfort.

I know that God still communicates to prophets today. I know God is the same, yesterday, and tomorrow....that is why I know he would still give revelation now. President Thomas S. Monson is the prophet for the world and will never lead us outside of Christ's realm.

Through scripture, I can feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost. Both the Bible and The Book of Mormon have given me the strength to endure. Job's lessons in the bible have caused me to feel his pain and know I can go on and be an example of goodness, and Moroni's (Book of Mormon) testimony of Christ has edified my soul.

God lives, He loves us. Yes, trials we shall have....hard trials..... He does this so we can rely on Him. Yes, I have always relied on him, but I now can completely understand what it means to turn my life over to Him. I want to live in a way that will bring purpose and direction in my life...He created me for a purpose...He created each of us for a purpose...I want to fulfil my purpose.

Thank you for listening and loving me. I know we may have different beliefs, but we are all children from the same God! May you all find peace and happiness and purpose in your life. If you are ever interested in my beliefs, you can visit, www.lds.org.

I love you guys!
Angela

Vicksburg, Mississippi

We just got back from Vicksburg, Mississippi. My brother Aaron and his new bride, Angela (yes, there are two of us now!) had a little wedding celebration in Angela's hometown of Vicksburg. We stayed with Angela's parents, who completely spoiled us. The kids even got to pick out some books from Angela's mom's personal library.

The Weekend was picturesque. We went on a hike in the woods behind their house, swung on a swing over a pond, and threw fallen walnuts in a little creek. I think the kids favorite thing was rolling down the hills or maybe it was the Canadian geese or the deer that they would chase.

We had the opportunity to visit The Vicksburg National Military Park. This Park includes many memorials dedicated to the military who fought during the siege of Vicksburg. Angela's dad was the best tour guide! The Illinois monument was by far the most impressive. This building was dome shaped with a hole at the top. The kids loved this one because they loved hearing their voices echo inside. I also think the kids said it was 47 steps to the top. Each soldier's name was listed inside the dome. It was really exciting to bring history to life for our children.

The best part of the trip was to spend time with Nana and Papa. Nana helped create Danielle's Cleopatra wig and they brought some hoop earrings for Kailey to wear with her pirate costume. My favorite picture is the silly one of the kids with Nana and Papa.

It was also fun to hear all the information the kids knew about the Mississippi River...........and to hear Mississippi spelled forward and backwards for the ENTIRE TRIP!

Namaste

I have been going to Yoga pretty regularly since Evan's passing and it has been such a powerful awakening for me. I have learned to focus, reflect and let go.

This is what my instructor repeats at the beginning of class:"Be fully present in the body, Both in the here and the now" (I may be a little off on her quote...but you get the jist.)

I do think at times we really stumble through life not completely "present." Sure, we are here, we are doing many things, but we tend to forget about inner relection and remembering to be "fully present." This has been a struggle for me especially working through this terrible hole inside me that is also "fully present." I am constantly trying to be "Both in the here and the now." I am trying to be more aware of life...I don't want to miss anything because I was just going through the motions.

I know this will take time...

Namaste

Thank you Joyschoolers and thoughts...

It was a good day.

(The answer to the question my good friends ask me, How was today?)

I wanted to thank my Joyschoolers for the special treatment today. My day was brightened and lightened.

This morning at Joy School each student brought me a flower, made cards, and a cupcake cake to help celebrate my birthday tomorrow. It really did make my day. I have wanted to avoid the fact that my birthday was coming...not because I am afraid of aging....just because it feels so weird to celebrate sometimes. So I am very humbled by their acts of kindness.

I am glad that I decided to continue teaching this year....I had moments of self-doubt...sometimes I still do. But, teaching has given me a reason to keep pressing forward. I do enjoy it, but I would enjoy it more if Evan was here. I really miss him taking down all my teaching posters off the walls, pulling all the books from the shelves, and taking out all the toys and scattering them everywhere! Where ever he went, he would leave his stamp, "Evan was Here." It feels strange to have things always in place.

This is my 2nd year teaching Joy School as part of the Franchise. I also taught one year of the Mom/coop version. I had to hire a friend of mine this year to teach along side me because we have 14 students! (One of course is Cameron). I hate turning kids away because I absolutely believe in this program, but I think we will stick with these 14! I was planning on teaching two more years with Evan, so plans for the next years are very uncertain. I have my teaching credentials, so I could go back teaching full-time...don't mind me...just random thoughts is what you get these days....I hate that I am more uncertain of my future than ever before...I am such a planner..........................................

So back to my original purpose for this post! Thank you Joyschoolers! Ms. Angela loves you.

Are We Not All Beggars?

Today after doing some much needed shopping at Walmart (no toilet paper...the kids are tired of using the Kleenex's! I don't know why! ha), I was approached by a man who asked if he could put my cart away for me. I was very grateful and told him that would be great. After doing so, he approached me again and asked if he could wash my windows to earn some money to get home. It didn't take me long to respond because it completely reminded me of myself. I have been begging to Heavenly Father so much for His comfort and support lately. Sometimes with faith and sometimes with not as much faith. Even when my faith was lacking, he has never denied me of His love...I have felt His arms encircle me. Christ has paid the price for us to get home, all we have to do is ask.

Evan's Video

Thank you again, Brianne for creating this amazing little video. We love you! (Just click on Evan's Video to watch)

Mom's Visit

My mom took a whole month out of her life to come and stay with us! She wanted to be here to make sure I was doing okay. I am so grateful for her. She was such a huge help with taking the kids to their various activities, keeping the house up for me, and making sure I was doing okay emotionally, mentally etc.... The day she left, I had a huge melt down. My life has been so full of family for the last 2 months, that I don't think I had a chance to really mourn so deeply. I felt the sadness sweep over me again and yearned for Evan. Thank goodness I have the sweetest husband that let me cry it out and then gave me a blessing that calmed my spirits. Jim is a great man.

I realized that I was on my own again when a couple days later (after my mom left) when Jim was getting ready for work and asked where the clean "whites" were.....I said, "oh....didn't my mom just wash those?" poor Jim... I don't know what he wore to work that day! He never complained.

I realized that I relied on my mom to hold me together for that month. I needed to get my act together. So the laundry is done, and so are the dishes! Thanks, Mom for all your love and hardwork.

The red rental car is the car Mom drove herself to the airport...she was quite disappointed because she wanted a neutral color so she could speed! You wouldn't think she was a Highway Patrolman's wife!

Who Needs School?

Yes, who needs school when you have Disney? My two awesome friends, Lisa and Lisa, and I decided to let the kids play hookey from school and go to the Magic Kingdom. Wouldn't you, especially if Lisa #2 had connections to get you in the park for free!

This was a welcome respite! As soon as the kids got home from school, we left our world behind and stayed the night at Lisa #2 's former home in Okoee (hasn't sold yet). Free hotel, Free Disney...not bad... The only sad part was that poor Jim had to work. Thank you Jim, for your neverending support! October 1st was a beautiful day. It was not too hot...just right. And best of all...the lines for the rides were minimal. This was also a significant day for Lisa #1 because this was her very first time to Disney!

The kids had a great time....The girls loved Space Mountain...who would have thought that Danielle and Kailey are thrill seekers. We had to ride it more than once. Cameron loved the Pirates of the Carribean the most..so we had to get a sword!

The only thing I didn't do, was take a picture with my two Lisa's! But, from the photo's you can tell the kids had a great time!

Thankful Hearts

It has been a real struggle to continue with this blog, since it was a hard thing to begin...being so computer unsavy! As you can see the last and really the only entry I had was about Evan. Coincidence? I don't believe so, but nevertheless it has been a struggle to continue doing something that was hard to begin and now even harder to continue. If I sound completely illiterate, it's because I feel illiterate sometimes...My words do not flow as once before and I feel a block on my expressions. But, I will try to use this forum as a way to express my expressionless. HA HA!

I really wanted to thank so many wonderful angels that have attended our family...in this life and the others I cannot see. I have felt such an abundant amount of love. I am so humbled by the countless number of people who have done exactly what the scriptures say, "to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort." The hugs, the cards, the flowers, the trees to plant, the pictures, the gifts for the other kids, the food, the money sent to pay for Evan's funeral, the little statues of little boys, the picture with the little boy looking at the Savior (please let us know if you sent this, because it only said from Deseret Book),the kind words, the friendship, the smiles, the prayers, and everything that I forgot to mention! We are truly blessed to have you in our lives. We love you and thank you. Please forgive me if the Thank you card comes to you without the actual card in it...haha....Ashley's mother and father in law received their's that way...Sorry Val and Susan! As you can see illiterate really does fit...I really am not finding fault in myself...I really am laughing about this!!

Evan Climbs Out!

So now what???

After putting the kids to bed last night, Jim and I were hoping for some quiet time by watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. Well, a few minutes after we put Evan in his crib, he was back in the family room letting us know that he wanted to watch too!

We were quite surprised to see him and asked how he got out of his crib. He said, "I did, Mommy, I did." He was so proud of himself, that he was literally dancing around.

I was really hoping to contain him for 1 more year!

Yes, I finally did it!

I know, I know....everyone has told me to create a Blog....Well....I DID IT! I am so impressed by all of yours, that I have been intimidated....so here goes nothing!