hebe

It's fall again, the season of change, and although the fast few years fall has meant nothing more than just the status quo of work, and life. This fall is to be a bit different. After many years, and a trailer, which is STILL under massive renovations, I have begun to realize that the life 3 and half years ago, I though i was looking for is not quite what I want. I suppose I should be happy to have not gotten married as this would far more difficult. In a way I was always uncertain if M was the right path. Just like the seasons I have come back to realize that leaving isn't always the solution, sometimes trying to actually work things out is usually a better plan, even if the grasp of love seems to tell you otherwise. I'm glad C came back , and we'll see where things lead, but its been three years, and I've grown up more, learned a heck of a lot about myself. Right now life is between two places , between m old life and my future. Money is the main point of unhappiness, although I know this can be resolved and eventually will be. I really do like fall, the change of temperature and new beginnings , the change of the leaves. I know its been a while, but sometimes its good to come back , to look back and then look forward.

Ah, so much and yet, it still feels similar in some many ways. I really need to stop comparing M to my exes, though its funny how he parts of all my previous ones. its a tad frightening considering how well those went. I am a bit hopeful though, finding an equal to me, who i believe, scarily has so much in common with me, this will, if nothing else, see what aspects I can change myself, and encourage my partner to change. I am still undecided if the opposites are better matched or similar people are matched. I know that being different has its advantages. We do tend to both like to argue, though we tend to share many opinions that are similar on things. He is so sweet though, which is like pure shock to me, but nice.
It feels relatively normal , except that I live with my ex -gf who I really care about.
Why can't life be non-monogamous ??

Ah yes monogamy, the bittersweet goodness of having having two partners. It certainly has its obvious pros and definite abundance of cons as well. I like the fact that how different styles of partnership can be, and how different dynamics create completely new experiences, but within the same scenario.
I love two people so much though, and know that either way if monogamy is required that there is no good solution, I have accepted this fact.

I know I'm responsible for making you miserable. i am certain that you don't derserve what I've done to you. Happiness is far too addictive of a thing, although you had that ability.
Guilt is a horrible leash, but I know for some part it is what I feel as I might have been too hasty in my decision to leave. I don't regret it though, but perhaps on how I did it.
It was cruel in a way, perhaps telling you, or giving you more time, would have been a better situation.
I do care so much about you, I wish your life didn't suck as to this point, and I didn't want to be a part of the suckage factor. I know tha as much as I may want to , that sometimes somethings are inevitable.

2005:
January:
Last year this time, i was still in Ottawa and completely miserable.
Lack of money, and things to do.

February:
Making plans to move, potential goodness

March:
My grandmother dies 2 days before I'm suposed to move accross the county, it was a stressful month

April:
Ah, yes the city of rain, and Vancouver, rain...and more rain....

May:
Finding job, shitty one, crappy apatment, but emotionally feeling better about moving, not so much rain.

June: Quit job, and get better one, feeling much happier, physically feeling a bit better decide goalball is kind of fun.

July: Start said work. Good paying job (for now) and can now plan to move and perhaps build a life

August: B-day was ok, planned to move, had a massive pain trying to find a place.

September: Move: emotionally a bit draining and our new place sucks, and costs alot

October: Think about moving AGAIN, keep working, miss family and friends in Ottawa insanely. Physically I am not playing goalball, I would like to start martial arts

November: Move, into the frying pan into the fire, but at least its cheaper, Am not able to buy more electronic goodies. (yay)

December: Apparently got bored, and while looking for new friends; found someon who liked me and was really similar to me.
My mom came and it was nice to see family again. I got more furniture.


Started a new relationship

Which comes to having the crappiest new years on record: watching your ex-girlfriend throw up all over herself, crying because she loves you so much, at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere is not my idea of a great new years.

At least my new boyfriend is more social than C, but we'll see how it goes, it took me 8 months to actually start to get myself a life.

It took a while but I currently have a job, I believe the word currently is important here, met some nice new people. (this is good) It's in a bad location, I got a call from Shaw today, and though they didn't set up a "real" interview, I am praying so hard (well not really praying but trying to think positively) I really want an interview and the job there, I could move to tech support, (which is what I need right now)
I have a foggy idea of a long term plan, but I am not entirely sure of the how to complete this plan or how much effort will truly be required.
I don't feel as drained, but at least I have things to do, and know some people. I am attemping to attend goalball (blind dodgeball meets volleyball) This is good, great peopel, not a lot of people, but thats alright.

I am part of numerous "meet up" groups but I so far haven't been able to attend as I just got my first paycheck today. I am hoping to get some normal plans on the go. Its frustrating when everyone is just an aquaintance and you have to break into the tight circles of some groups. I'm not super socially adept, but I am trying to improve this as much as I can. Candace is well herself, It is frustraing having to see someone everyday, and spend so much time. I did realize this however before I moved in, I'm trying to find ways to cope, at least its someone I can trust and do things with until i have a better network of friends.


I miss my old friends, and though IMs are OK , I need real people interaction. I've veen so busy too that I feel I'm neglecting people that I try and talk to on the net . I feel like I'm distancing myself, and I'm really not trying to, I'm just not great with juggling things.

There are days, one of which is today, that I ask myself, why oh why did I moe ??? What am I gaining out of this ??? Ther are days that the anwser is nothing, and others that say it will take time, and a new place to learn true independence and all the shit that comes with it. I know this is purly a trainig ground per say. It's difficult, and I knew it would be so there are no real suprises there. I just wish I could have a day off of not knowing anyone, of now knowing where anything is. It's tedious and annoying and so frustraing. I like that its different, I like that that theres more accessibility and resources. I just am not having a good day. I want a job and want to stop having to apply to get one. I am tired of all this nonesense. Oh well, I just keep saying it needs to be difficult ...so I can develop and grow. I just needed to vent.

Well The first thing that has occured, was aweek before the move to Vancouver, my grandmother died. She was 88, so she didn't die young but i still miss her none the less. So off my family and I went to Winnipeg to her funeral. Laura, my neice came with us, which was nice as we got to show her around all the places that Megan and I went to when we were young. I got to revisit many parts of my childhood and meet a lot of new family members and reunite with the ones I havn't seen in a very long time. It was sad and yet so wonderful to be able to go to Winnipeg. it to me had more signifiganced that normal as I would be moving the day after I got back from Winnipeg. As though I was revisiting the past to go forth into the future, whatever it held. It meant a great deal to be able to reconnect and move on with my own semi independence.
I flew out on Wednesday and came back Saturday, I then packed and got ready to move on Sunday evening. We celebrated C and I leaving with a nice Easter celebration at my mothers, we got to say good bye to the kids, whom I mess dearly.

The bus tip was long and painful after a few hours. However 3 days later, we got to beautiful west coast. The whole trip from Calgary to Vancouver was very pretty to see the mountains. Kamloops was so green and gorgeous I wanted to get off there. Anyway, we arrived and stayed at a hostel on Main street for a bit longer than planned as we had a bit of difficulty finding a place. We stayed there for 4 nights. I got to ride the whole skytrain system, get to know the city a bit better. WE finally found a place in south Vancouver, in the marpole area . Its a nice area , near Granville and Oak with nice homes and lots of stores. We finally got the internet set up with Shaw, the extreme, and Telus for the moment, sadly. Vonage the IP phone place only take credit cards. We plan to wait till Shaw offers broadband phone in the late summer. Oh well Telus is alright I guess. Yesterday C and I walked through Stanley park; just the outskirts but it was sill 8 km, and very scenic and beautiful. I can now say I have put my hands and feet in the Pacific Ocean. I will give out my new phone number and address to people who email me. I am hoping people will come and visit.

I once again decided to shave my head, well mot of it, i still have bangs. Anyway, i relly love the feeling of having no hair, its so liberating, despite what people may think. It feels amazing and it looks neat, It may seem very gay to do but I still think that its freeing of all things hair. A little over 2 weeks left before C and I head off to Vancouver, I've got most things done and ready to go. It is really nice to be moving away from family and trying to do things on my own, and for the first time in my life be able to put my fee in the Pacific ocean, which will be wonderful, I hope my friends/family will come by Vancouver and visit.

Tomorrow C and I will be picking up the tickets for the bus to Vancouver. The plan is to leave the 27th of March. When we arrive we'll have a 2 night stay at a hostel downtown. So we can actually look at apartments before we sign for april 1st. I should be able to get on disability there and I plan on probably doing either BC open university or BCIT, I haven't fully decided though.

I'm excited and yet so terrified about moving, my family will be a couple thousand miles away, but I'll be in a great city and hopfully learn some independence.

I wish I could still travel for cheap. As my mom used to work for Air Canada. I miss winnipeg so much, and I'm so curious to see how the city has changed, and maybe urn into old friends.

It would also be nice to travel to places i've never been to as well, but finding work that is not absolutely horrible is rather difficult.