很久没在这里写东西了。。。
不写不是代表没事发生，而是自己还是那么的烦，很累，也变懒了。
以前的信心不知去哪了。。。

Its the first time trying to write sometime on blog using chinese. Being in a foreign land, its a really long time since i last wrote sometime using mother tongue.

Time flies, easter break is almost over. 5wks later, its my exam n coursework submission. I m having phobia n i m stressed. I dunno where to start, i dunno wat to start. I have no motivation.
I knw its important to start my engine, but my engine seems to be breaking down...

Had too much of disappointments for the past few months. Past problems nvr seem to be fadin away too. haiz.

To tell the truth, i hate studyin n the process of pursuin a degree. Why must we prove to others in terms of grades n not our real work performances?

I miss home. but wait. where's home now? SG? Msia? or Taiwan?...

I juz cant wait to finish my degree n go to somewhere to establish my ground; my roots. By then, it will be a reunionfication.

I miss my parents. Miss being the "princess". Not the unreasonable kind, but the well-loved one.
I knw the love is still there but the distance b.w my parents n i now, physically, is very far...

I cant wait to see them in june.

lazy bum!

I m soooo lazy.. lazy lazy.. lazy!

as what I've said in my public blog, the holiday mood is switched on! too lazy to look thru the lect notes in prep for tut... too lazy to get out of the hse to go to the lib (blame it on the weather! :P).. too lazy to blog...

argh.... perhaps i m juz too moody. most of the singaporeans r back home now. damn it, they actually skipped class n r in sg now enjoin char kway teow! !@#$%

dec has arrived. winter has arrived. juz a matter of time b4 the floor gets frosted wif ice... haiz. its time to emo n miss my loved ones back home...

updates...

this blog has been idling for awhile. it is nt becos i haf nth sad or things which r really private to share wif u guys, its juz tt i've been too bzy these days.

saying busy may be an excuse, i shld also admit tt i m plain lazy n tired...

coming back to liverpool for my 2nd yr. so far, it hasnt been a pleasant experience.

somehow, i m feelin tt life is gettin harder n harder to pass each day. its nt due to the pressure in sch work, its the pple arnd me as well.

i can say tt sadly, Hany hasnt got anyone close other than simon over here to talk to n to share her secrets...

pple here r, n yes, i m referrin to singaporeans here as well, they r so fake!

sometimes, i kinda feel very dumb tt i shldnt be so nice to them at the 1st place. Most of their true colours r showing out this yr. The selfish , the haolian n the competitive side. yucks.

y pple juz kick u aside when u r no longer needed? y most of the pple here r so materialistic? juz becos u r nt as rich as them, they wont care much abt u.

i really hate it. its juz like back in those primary sch days, whr by ur frenz juz wont seat next to u anymore in class.

in overall, i m juz nt happy. sadly, i m becomin a loner. I m missing home, but whr is home?...

Mommy is in msia, daddy is in taiwan. whr is home then?... Really hate it when the rich singaporeans here kept blabbering n counting down to dec whr they will fly home n reunite wif their parents. Shut the fu*k up! y cant he juz spare a thot for pple who seems to be less fortunate?!

Miss those happy times. miss those days of studyin hard w/o any worries n unhappiness surrounding me. I used to be so happy. I used to haf so many frenz whom i can chat wif. I used to be pampered by my loved ones. What haf i gotten myself into? why things r so diff frm juz a few yrs back?... I knw these r signs reminding me tt its time to grow up but i juz cldnt let go those happy days.

I m back...:)

Simon sent me a facebk e-mail tt is to be read after I arrived back home...

Subject: Welcome Back To Singapore!

If you're reading this, then it means that you've reached Singapore already. I'll probably be in my room sleeping as well, but if I'm not, just finish reading this first before you do anything else. :)
Firstly - I think you might have expected a letter. I'm sorry about that, but I didn't want you to feel upset while reading it on the plane. I wanted you to not feel sad about leaving me. Well, sadder.

I think that my first year at university was one of my best years of my life, and it's 80% to do with you (20% is because I'm studying what I wanted but nevermind). I had never considered that going into a relationship with you was a bad decision. In fact, it's one of the best that I have made. Being with you made me feel better with living in a totally new environment, and it helped by making me less homesick. I felt loved, that I was looked after very well, and I felt safe and secure knowing that if I had any trouble I could come to you, and we would work out a solution together.

In return, I'm very glad that I can do the same for you. Sometimes it's hard to guess and get what you want, but knowing that you'll be pleased when it's done pushes me to do my best. Some of the things you ask me to do are things that I wouldn't do for other people, like doing their laundry every time even though I'm not washing my own clothes (:p).

But I guess it's sort of a give and take thing. Sometimes I let you have your way, and other times you let me have mine. I like that. It feels like after so many troubles over those 10 months we finally know how to coexist with each other, and sometimes I think that we're better than those 'regular' couples, because they've never had the chance to stay with each other in a tiny room for months and months. It's hard to share such a tiny amount of space for so long, and it's really good that we made it through without any serious damage in our relationship. I know you feel that two months is a very long time for us to be apart, but it's not so bad. It will pass very soon, and I will try and talk to you frequently. In the meantime, you can treat it as a holiday from me and meet up with your friends, go shopping with your mother, and do everything that you missed doing while in Liverpool. :D

Cheer up, you'll see me again very soon. :)

*Hugs & Kisses* Tong Tong

I wept after reading it. This 10mths in Liverpool, if nt for me, I wont be strong n capable enuff to do many things. He is the one always there for me to shower me wif loads of luv, hugs n kisses whenever i started missing home. He is the one whom will tirelessly edit my coursework for millions of times before i finally submit it online. so many things he's been there to fulfil my tasks... n now when i m back in SG, infact on the plane earlier on, i really began missing him alot...

I turned around on my bed this morning n realised tt the person i m hugging is my mum n nt him anymore... the fact suddenly dawns on me tt i m finally home n away from simon... for at least 2mths b4 he comes back from his kuku excavation! ^!#%*

Meanwhile, i will keep my promise to him... HAVE FUN n enjoy myself! Dear frenz.. plz meet up wif me soon for yummy food once i m back by the 31st of May! :D

Something happened all of a sudden last nite tt caught me off-handed. Even till today, i still cant believe tt it has struck me.

Its a damn bloody long story but i will try my best to cut it short. Tellin u my dear frenz now tt i m damn hurt, may motvate u alittle to carry on readin...

Fendrick asked me to call him last nite IMMEDIATELY, juz so as to gif me a big ranting.
It was about the potluck bday celebration for charles n simon tml. I was the planner.
My wholoe idea of this event was to gather the singaporean frenz n haf fun together. Afterall, after the easter holiday, we wld be bzy muggin for exams. I mean to me, my perception is, if u came to a foreign ctry so damn far frm ur hometown, u will be so lonely n will definitely missses home. These gatherings will definitely make everyone feel btr. Plus, its been really long since we had a gatherin wif pple in 10A.
Anyways, fendrick asked me to seek approval from the gals stayin in 10A. If they r ok wif it, this thing will be held in 10A then.
Durin the Singapore Society AGM, i bumped into the 2 gals, i asked them about how to make yummy cakes (wanted to make simon his fav choc cake as a surprise) + whether if they keen to haf a party for the guys at 10A.

This is the where the whoole miscommunication goes. The gals agreed. but they thot tt i was referrin to juz makin cakes in 10A n the party venue!

Invitations were then sent out, and everyone agrees to come, the 2 gals were the 1st few to haf replied to my rsvp somemore. None of them has came up to me, wantin to clarify this miscommunication.

Until last nite...

Fend maligned tt i has made a lie to him abt the gals agreeing to haf the venue in 10A... everyone in 10A r all tensed up now. + one of our fren, aik thong went up to ask one of the gal, jen if its alrite to prepare his fd at 10A instead of bringing over. Fend is fuming over this as well.

Here r my thoughts for this, n plz pardon me to resort to usin vulgarities (if any). Hany is really damn angry! She has been MALIGNED!

F*CK!!! How on earth do i know tt someone actually wanted to cook at 10A, if Aik thong wants to cook n he told me about it, i wld haf asked him to come to my place to cook 1st!
Another f*ck up thing is: How on earth wld i know things wld turn out to be like this??!! Nobody came up to me to tell me about this miscommunications until like a day b4 the party??!!

U knw, Fend is one of my gd fren over here in Liverpool. He has always been very helpful. he was there at the airport to pick me up n carried my 2 big & heavy luggage; he was there went simon n i were havin some rough times...

Therefore, ystd's phonecall was really hurtful. really really hurtful.
Frenz will nvr think tt one is takin advantage n usin another. Frenz will nvr tell the other tt u r a liar. Frenz will nvr tell off the other tt " i may be a nice guy, but dun climb on top of me"

I was hurt coz all of these accusations obviously shows tt he doesnt know me well. He doesnt know tt Hany Soh will go all out for her frenz... she treats her frenz even btr than her bf... and to her, frenz r nt meant to be used!

I juz think i m damn dumb. y muz i do so many things so as to make others feel homely. I shld haf juz plan for a candle-light dinner wif simon, juz the 2 of us will do.

I really felt bullied. I miss home.. My dearest frenz back home, i m missin u guys n gals ALOT. Becos i knw, all of u back home, will nvr talk behind my back nasty words... and the word "despicable" will nt be used by any of u to describe me!

All of these smiles n friendliness seems so superficial here. I cant say all of them r, but at least for some. I am glad tt there r still soem gd frenz by my side, supportin me, backin me up at this moment to say i've done nth wrong. One of them is Kin, he is infact Fend's buddy.

Also, this incident also made me realised tt if all frenz r gone here. its alrite. cos simon is always there for me. Thank god, he was by my side last nite.

Juz read my fren, Val's blog. Few days ago was her Dad's death anniversary.
After readin her post, i began to understand tt time passed really quickly tt sometimes, it's momentum doesnt tally with men's feelings.
her dad may had passed away 4yrs ago, n durin this 4 years, many things had happened.. n many secrets r discovered as well. No doubt, pple say, life goes on, we haf to move on but... everyone knows tt the feelings n missings for ur loved ones will never decrease.
Take me for example. My beloved granny has passed away for nearin 6 years. At some point of time i began to realised tt i seemed to haf forgotten how she sounds like... but nevertheless, i still miss her alot.

I always believe tt she is still watchin over me.. she has left just so as to reunite wif my grandpa. I miss her... B4 i left for uk, i went to the temple alone to tell her the news. I know she will be very happy for me. I know tt sometimes when things r shitty but problems r miraculously solved at the end of the day, its cos she has taken care of it for me.

Death made me realised that i shld always treasure the loved ones as much as possible b4 the chances ran out.

My heart is really soft. Its really hard to be ruthless. I can nvr be like my sis... haiz.. i m nt too sure if tts gd or bad. U can say i m filial, kind-hearted or watsoever, but at the same time u can juz say i m silly. I m juz like my mum. Its really hard to use the tactic of 'once bitten twice shy' on ur loved ones.

Moral of this post is to say....
When my mum told me tt dad will be goin to cambodia today to meet his business partner, I m worried for him. Despite all the cursin n swearin abt how ruthless n money-minded my dad is... i still care for him. Sometimes, i juz missed those days when i was young... being innocent, u r well-pampered by ur loved ones. Money is nothing to u. All u know of is tt money=sweet. Dad=love n plenty of toys. Mommy=cane. Ah Ma= yummy food n world war II stories.

Those were the days...

Its been sooooo long since I last updated my blog. Nothing much to share actually.. its almost 6mths here, Hany has kinda adapted to her life in Liverpool le.

As usual, i still miss my mummy n all of u, my dear frenz back in Singapore, really badly... Thinking tt Mother's Day is coming and then, next would be my mum's b'day, I m nt there to do anything for my mum, makes me sad.

In this family, no one else matter. Everyone else cares nothing more but money. Except the love and concern that my mum n i haf for each other.

6months here in Liverpool, i can count with my 10 fingers, the number of times i chatted wif my dad. All he knows is to avoid, to him, i m juz like his debtor, our conversations concerns of nothing else but money issues.

Wat wld u do when ur dad has issued u a sub-card?... Here's wat most of the singaporean guys will do here:
- buy weed n smoke up...
- go casino...
- bet on Liverpool 1 Everton 0...
- go clubbing n drink all night long...
etc...

Hany merely used it sometimes, n may i emphasised... WISELY on buyin groceries n on food...

like tt also kenna kpkb. aiyah. wth la! When its ur parents using your money, they will use it discreetly without even notifyin u. n when u used theirs, an amount which is so much lesser, he felt a pinch. i m pissed!

The issue of money is driving me CRAZY.... perhaps i shldnt start panickin tt soon.. but i do not wish tt i do not haf enuff to graduate after puttin in so much effort to come all the way here!

Everytime when i start thinking tt how poor i've become, i became angry... angry of the stupid financial plannings tt my dad has for the family. The plan is business comes first. When u r richers, more money should be pumped into the business and not be set aside as savings for your daughter's education fees... Women is so right to say tt men should nt be the one be in control of the $$ cos they totally suck at it!

I regret for not being ruthless. I regret for being too filial and too trustful. Naively thinking tt family shld nt be so calculative and we shld help each other in the event of crisis. When i've lent my helping hand, what haf i gotten in return?... juz more worries n burden for me to carry!

Sometimes i really envy the singaporean here... one of them, his dad is a vp of a big bank, one actually owns suntec city la!!! some of them r humble but some spend money like water n to them, it is really a no big deal for using their dad's money in such manner.

me?... apparently, everyone thought tt my "beloved" dad is the one tt is supporting me.. ya ya.. n i haf a 6.5k limit credit card... ya ya, i m holdin a LV organiser, a Marc Jacobs bag, etc...
All these r all bullsh*t now!

Hany is relying on no one except herself n her mum. If nt of her slogging hours after hours at work n in tuition for the past few yrs, she would nt haf enuff to survive now due to this stupid credit crunch!

so tired....

pple here only sees and cares abt the superficial side.

thank god tt there's simon by my side. he's the one tt knows. he's the one tt understands. :)


thank you my dear frenz for listening to my complaints.. over n over again! lol... i'll be fine :D