If you want me
Just say the words

That Wednesday morning I revved myself up for an interview in the usual manner: music.

He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs

The night before it was preparing for this interview more than I’ve ever prepared for an interview in my life and honestly that’s saying something for me, because as everyone who knows me knows, I overprepare generally for normal life, much less important things. But when it comes to your dream job, it’s not really something you want to cheap out on, time-wise.

Forgetting all I’m lacking
Completely incomplete

Despite the two pieces of major difficult news I’d recieved from people I care about the day before, it would have been difficult for me to know, as I listened to my hype music and travelled to the interview, that the week was about to get absolutely ridiculous.

It’s a good thing I didn’t know then, really.

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

I have regained so much more of the self-confidence that I had when I was young, and I tried to harness it like a wild horse, with whispers of encouragement, staring my inner self in the eye. And as I toured the facility and nailed my intro, I knew that I had this, it was just a matter of time.

We gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way

I need to go back before I can go forward. It often surprises me that it comes as a surprise to a lot of my friends and family when I speak about how I’ve been longing to leave photography for over half the decade. I haven’t told everyone. Sure, most people knew I managed a conference in March 2020 just before the world changed. I slogged through the work it took to try to build a life again. Then I lost my Grandma, and found and then quit a job I had high hopes for. [Blog post from that time.] I lost so many different things in several years. But God had plans for me that I couldn’t yet see.

When I took a reception job at the Church because COVID wasn’t done ruining my life financially, I was ready to settle in, but it wasn’t the right place for me to stay.

When I first took that job, I blogged about it saying, “There are no coincidences.” And I still believe that. I don’t regret my time there. I have had to weather a lot of storms, but nothing seems like a coincidence to me.

So, back to my week from crazytown.

Put it all out on the line
Give it your all every time

On Wednesday, I had my interview, and I knew I had it in my sights and my grasp. Then I went to the church to spend time in adoration and go to Mass. I met up with a Polish nun who I am a huge fan of — it was the feast of the Visitation, when we commemorate Mary meeting her cousin Elizabeth, a meeting of two women following the Lord and celebrating his gift of life. It was special to me to share that Mass with one of my favourite sisters in Christ.

On Thursday, I spent two hours in therapy (it never fails, when things are going crazy, I have an appointment pre-booked) then I called my Dad who was having a super tough day while I took the dog to the dog park. Then I spent dinner with a friend who is, sadly, leaving Edmonton. That’s been happening to us a lot in the past few years. Paul and I looked sadly at each other as we said goodbye, and I said, “Another one bites the dust.”

You’re a diamond
I was born a thief

As if the emotional overload wasn’t already a little much, on Friday, I worked registration for the brand new Edmonton Tourism Awards, having been asked by my NAIT program teacher, Caitlin, to assist when she didn’t have quite enough staff. But I was awoken early that morning by an apologetic husband, telling me that we’d had a break-in and my bike and bike trailer had been stolen after the SUV window was broken to get at the garage door opener. A few hours later, a text came in that my bike had been returned. Unfortunately, my trailer is still missing — but the good neighbor who packed up all my discarded things from my bike bag and returned them and the bike to the police station was there when we went back to the scene to check the vicinity for anything missing — so it’s only the trailer and nothing else. When we went, she was just pulling in with her van and saw the bike on the back of our car, and Paul and I were able to thank her in person, which was a huge blessing. My bike, thank God, wasn’t even damaged. I had to buy new bike tools and a phone mount — that’s all for now, and I can ride it again.

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes and the flashback starts
I’m standin’ there
On a balcony in summer air
See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns

That Saturday I shot what is probably the last wedding I’ll ever photograph. And it was SO good. And after I stayed late and the frenzied packing started and I packed my gear into the car, I cried. Sitting on a concrete divider, watching the pink sunset fading over the horizon and praying for everything I hope for, and thanking God for all the things past.

I went to get some pizza and invited a homeless gentleman named Joe to use our outdoor power outlet to charge his phone, gave him my wifi info, a slice of pizza and a reusable water bottle — ah, the chance to fulfill the corporal works of mercy!

Sunday I was a cantor, and I went early with Paul, heading into the sacristy electric piano to practice. It turns out I was practicing half of the music for the mass two weeks later, and after a brief heart-stopping moment, I sight-read all the Mass chants. (At least I was well prepared for the next weekend.)

Monday I gave up on trying to be a human and just slept. I’m a lot better at self-care than I used to be.

For my survival, take down my rival
No I ain’t gonna stop
If I am beaten, I’m not defeated
I fight back to the top
Ain’t backin’ down no, we goin’ big
Ain’t stoppin’ now, we get after it

It’s now many weeks later, and the waiting has been awful. Sure, there have been some great times since. And actually, I shouldn’t skip over that lightly at all. I’ve had an absolutely wonderful early summer this year — hot tubbing at a friend’s house after dark, hosting a garage sale, buying an outdoor rocking chair and sharing a fire with a friend, finishing some great TV shows like Manifest and B99 and playing a truly ridiculous amount of Stardew Valley.

At some point in the long weeks, I finally got word that the board wanted to meet me. A courtesy for everyone to meet everyone involved before they make me an offer, hopefully.

So I still didn’t officially have the job as I was writing this. But I’ve come back to it on the Wednesday that the board is having their meeting. This is it. I’ll know by tomorrow either way.

Keep your silver, give me that gold
Keeping us down is impossible
’Cause we’re unstoppable

I went and rage-weeded the garden one day. I was planning to weed anyway, but rage-weeding is very satisfying, as any gardener can tell you. Some things in life you can’t do a whole lot about. Weeds, despite their ability to continue to thrive in any conditions, are therapeutic in their ability to be something you can actually do something about in life.

A plethora of empty pots, ready to be filled, were outside — it looked like it might rain and I was tired, so I packed everything up and went inside. Not long after, it began to pour. I felt very pleased with my choice. And then later I planted the seeds and now they’re already coming up. Some of them are 6 inches tall.

But I am now the last one standing in the search. So Paul and I started talking about all the practical things more seriously. I have a little To Do list called “Pull the Trigger” for after an offer, if I get one. I’ve been doing my best to mop up all the major to do items.

I’m thinking about all the dreams. Leaving my work at work, even if I have to work a great deal.

I guess the crisis is
We’ve got one life to live
And no one knows what happens next

And here I am. Less than 48 hours away from knowing.

Today is my 20th anniversary of starting a blog, so I thought I ought to post something today, despite lacking big news. My first blog was a LiveJournal account, and I transitioned to another LJ account not long after. And not long ago, I moved over here to Medium.

So many transitions. So much to say.

Lord I don’t know which way I am going
Which way the river gonna flow
It just seems that upstream I keep rowing
Still got such a long way to go
Still got such a long way to go

Today marks around 8 weeks since my first call from the headhunter about this job. And God willing, it’s the end of the wait in 24 hours or less. I’m trying to take it easy today. Letting myself rest. Taking time to reflect in case it’s the end of the world as I know it. I feel fine.

Snapshots:

Paul has been leading myself and a group of adventurers in D&D and our next battle, wherein we will be fighting zombies and feeding guests my slow cooker chili recipe, will be hosted at my house. I have put it on our calendar as, 6pm: Chili Con Carnage.

After years of struggling with wheat, beans, brassicas, and other foods due to IBS-D, to the point where I actually ended up experiencing malnutrion last Fall, I found that very large doses of enzymes that you might know as Beano can allow me to occassionally have these things again. I allowed myself several months of almost total freedom of eating things I loved again. Things like falafel and baguettes and chili and coleslaw salads. The freedom is fantastic. And expensive, even with a generic, at 5–6 pills per meal. So after a splurge, I’m working my way back to normal.

Current Hobbies:
- D&D, obviously
- Playing a lot of Stardew Valley — gaming the system for gold
- Reading to Paul and being read to by Paul, and listen-reading frivolous novels at night before sleeping
- Watching streaming content
- enjoying my Catholic INTJ crew online
- Planning summer fire nights
- Small Home Improvement and Maintenance Projects around the house, and next up, oil changes for the vehicles
- Planning for more wreath-making and embroidery in the future

And now, I continue to wait.