No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to figure out how my doctor has gotten so many pictures of me crying for this “Rorschach Test” he keeps giving me. Every time i’ve tried to complain he keeps telling me I should be “committed” but I feel like I’ve been pretty committed to getting to the bottom of this mystery so I don’t really know what he’s talking about. The guys got hundreds of these pictures, he’s even got pictures of my Uncle Jerry who used to wrestle with me all time (naked wrestling too, just like the romans!)
If anyone has any information about this please reach out to me, I was gonna drop it, but he’s started showing me pictures of me having sex with my mom and that crosses the line!
ROCHESTER NY – The #MeToo movement has brought sweeping changes and firings in the entertainment industry. However, the music industry has been relatively untouched by the movement. This makes Jack White fan Thomas Clarkson of Greece NY very nervous.
“I am very supportive of the #MeToo movement and I hope all these sex monsters rot in hell,” says Mr. Clarkson.
“But… listen… all I am saying is…. you know… I had Louis C.K. tickets. I don’t want to get screwed over again” Clarkson continued.
Back in 2015, Jack White announced an indefinite hiatus from performing live. Which is why the news that he would be putting out a new album and hitting the road again in 2018 blew his fans away.
But what was even more surprising was that White would be making a stop at the Dome Arena in Henrietta in June.
“I am not implying Jack White has done anything wrong, by any means he seems like a really good guy” Clarkson stammered. “I mean, wasn’t he banging his sister or something in the White Stripes?”
This long standing rumor is of course false. Meg White, the drummer of the now defunct band was not his sister. She was his wife and Jack took his wife’s surname.
It was not until later in his career that Jack White was in a band where he was sleeping with his siblings. That band was The Raconteurs who notably would all make-out on stage with one another after playing ‘Steady, As She Goes.’
Rochester, NY – Well, it’s finally time. George Eastman himself announced in a press conference today that his company Kodak will begin a blockchain development team for KodakCoin. After the announcement, Kodak stock saw an impressive leap in market value. Prompting several Rochester locals to say words that haven’t been uttered in nearly a century. “Kodak doubled it’s value in one day”.
George Eastman left all of his board members in complete shock in the announcement. Not only were they looking at the completely dilapidated, fleshy corpse of George Eastman, that was selectively reanimated for the direct purpose of making the announcement. But the board members were also handed several notebooks titling buzzwords that would ignite the overwhelming rebranding of the company.
First, to gain notoriety and spread the influence of Rochester Pride, Kodak and Eastman will be teaming up with the Genesee Brew House to mint physical representations of the cryptocurrency. Even though minting physical coins completely disregards the purpose of an online blockchain, that still won’t stop the half reanimated corpse, half baboon hearted Eastman from dipping Genesee caps into printer toner to christen the software based currency notes.
There were so many questions that attendees had for Eastman. “How are you here?” For example and “My God, what monster has the devil summoned in front of me?”. Eastman quickly scuffled over these inquiries saying that his company had developed reanimation during their studies of the ‘Lazuras Effect’ in the early ninties. Rather than develop the concept for commercial use, however, Eastman noted that he does not believe the technology will catch on. “About as useful as digital cameras, or mobile phones” said the body.
Instead, Eastman noted the next big ventures for Kodak after they’ve perfected the analog cryptocurrency market. Starting with a straight to DVD Netflix special and a fidget spinner made of a pencil and cement.
The holidays are here and that means it’s time for things like caroling, cookie decorating, giving and getting gifts and of course family. Both with that in mind, every year while out and about during the holidays, hundreds of thousands of grandmas are run over by Reindeer. Something about the scent of gingerbread and egg nog drives the reindeer insane and stirs them into a grandma attacking frenzy. So for the safety of your grandmas, here is a list of five helpful holiday tips for keeping your grandma from getting run over by a reindeer.
1.) Help them Cross the Street: I know it’s cliché but now more than ever is the time to bring out your inner Eagle (or Eaglette) Scout and help guide these golden girls from one corner to the next. It never hurts to have an extra set of eyes when a ravenous reindeer comes charging out of nowhere.
2.) Use a Child Leash: It may seem unconventional but when it comes to saving the life of your beloved grandma, desperate measures must be taken. Most grandmas tend to wander and that’s nothing a little tug on the leash can’t fix. You may be thinking that the old child leash you used to use for your kid won’t fit your grandma but in almost every case, grandmas tend to shrink back to their original sizes in their old age and it should fit perfectly.
3.) Get Her a Life Alert: This tip might not help save your grandma from a vicious, holiday season fueled reindeer attack, but it may save her life. We’ve all seen the commercials. The phrase “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” can’t be said without thinking of the trusted emergency alert system. Soon you’ll hear grandmas all over shouting “I’ve been brutally gored by a reindeer and my spleen is ruptured!”
4.) Tell Her a You Saw a Middle Eastern Family in the Neighborhood: Let’s face it; grandmas these days grew up in a different time where ignorance was bliss. Many of them have a lingering distaste for anyone appearing to be different from them without any sort of reasonable explanation. Keep your grandma safe with this little white lie about seeing a Middle Eastern Family (or any minority for that matter) in the area and your grandma will be too busy peeking out her blinds with her binoculars to go outside and get mowed down by a reindeer.
5.) Put Her in a Home: This final tip for the holidays is a sure fire way to keep grandma safe and sound for however many years to come she has left (hopefully not too many, these places are expensive!). Park your grandma in a home with all the other grandmas and she’ll be protected by the watchful eye of an underqualified assisted living center employee. She can watch Golden Girls reruns, send you a check for $5 every year on your birthday and tell you the story of how she once met The Rat Pack again when you visit her twice a year.
Rochester, NY- It’s another day in lovely Rochester, you’re planning on just taking a quick drive down to park avenue for a drink, when it happens. You see it up ahead, you can’t avoid it, no side streets to go down, no alternate routes, no escape. That f***ing pedal pub tour bus is up ahead blocking traffic. The pedal pub tour has been a staple in the Rochester community, bringing groups of drunk people from bar to bar on something out of a twisted willy wonka movie. If you’re ever unsure if the pedal pub tour is up ahead , here are five solid signs, you’re stuck behind that pedal pub tour thing again
The Smell Of Bud Light Is In The Air– You can hear the cars up ahead beeping, you can see little remnants of flashing lights and a bright lights, but then it hits you, that distinct smell of bud light, the smell of kids who never left their hometown, the smell of people who paid over three hundred dollars to ride a bike. That’s the smell of the pedal pub tour.
The Guy With The Rochester Plates Hat Almost Fell Off- You can see everyone having fun, drinking, laughing, singing, yet every tour has that one asshole who wears his “Rochester Plates” hat because he hasn’t discovered anything outside of Rochester and thinks it’s good to have hometown pride, meanwhile he’s on the verge of falling off the back of the bike.
That Drunk Bitch Tiffany Is stumbling Out Of Half-pint- This is Tiffany’s third pedal pub tour in one year, yeah sure, one was for work, the other was a bachlorette party, but this time she chose to do it on her own. Is it to get over Derrick? Who knows, all we know is this is the thousandth time she’s stumbled out half-pint screaming about getting some dick on tinder. Get it together Tiffany.
Trails Of Vomit And Half Eaten Garbage Plates Are In The Street- That squishing sound underneath your tire? No, it’s not another squirrel. It’s a f***ing half eaten garbage plate from dogtown, some genius always thinks they can eat and bike and drink, yet again, these people are on the equivalent of an adult themed Chuck E Cheese ride.
You’re writing down the number on the back of the bike- No, not to report it. You have a birthday coming up and quite honestly…it looks kind of fun. F*** your life.
Buffalo, NY – The Buffalo Bills came away with an exciting 13-7 win on Sunday over the Indianapolis Colts. The Bills toughed out some of the harshest weather the NFL has seen all year during the game, in which almost 18 inches of snow falling on New Era Field throughout the contest.
Despite the weather, thousands of Western New Yorkers showed their pride and turned out for the blustery ball game to cheer on their beloved Buffalo Bills. Although temperatures reached below freezing during the game, the thick layers provided by warm pierogis, copious amounts of alcohol and 90’s Bill’s Starter Jackets seemed to be enough to keep the fans going. Until the end of the game, after the field had cleared and the stadium’s facility management crew took to the stands to clean up. The crew was shocked to find hundreds of frozen corpses of Buffalo’s diehard fan base.
“We were kind of surprised when we got working on snow removal to find people still at the game,” said one crew member. “After we shouted in their faces a bit and poked a couple with our shovels, it was pretty clear that these fans were dead.”
With only one home game left in the season and a chance at the playoffs looking bleak, the Bill’s front office has been faced with an issue of selling tickets and packing the stands. After news of the bodies being found in the stands came out, team owners Terry and Kim Pegula couldn’t have been more ecstatic and have decided to leave the human popsicles in their final resting places for one more game.
“It’s what they would have wanted,” said Kim Pegula, “besides, these people are dead. So f*** it, who cares?” Now faced with the final home game of the season next week Terry Pegula says “now is not the time to pass on good business opportunities.”
“We’ve already got a quarter of the stands filled for a game I couldn’t even pay people to go to. We’ll just bill the families of the frozen deceased for the tickets later.”
The Bill’s front office is happy to have such a dedicated fan base. With the support of the blue collar, and now blue faced, fans from the Rustbelt mean everything. A source close to the front office was available for comment saying, “We can only hope that one day the fans that froze to death on December 10th 2017 can be thawed out and reanimated so they can one day cheer on the Buffalo Bills again. Maybe we’ll even have had a playoff birth for them to wake up to.”
In a tweet released early Wednesday morning Donald Trump has declared himself the first ever People Magazines Sexiest Time Magazines Person of the Year.
Controversy has surrounded the statement with many claiming that that doesn’t f***ing exist. Donald Trump was quoted saying “It’s real, look it up.”
Google results show no evidence of this award, although “news” outlet Brietbart published an article claiming that the deep state and the liberal-bias of “reality” and “facts” are behind the cover up to slander President Trump and discredit his perfectly legitimate achievement.
“The President is very, very sexy, I assure you. Tremendously sexy, the best sexy, truly phenomenal. ” said a source from the White House who chose to remain anonymous.
With news coming out every day outing various male celebrities who are being exposed for sexual assault, a new campaign has been released to help shine a light on the true victims, men who are bummed out to discover celebrities they like have committed sexual assault.
Using the hashtag #NotHim men have come out in droves to spread awareness of the negative effect awareness of sexual assault has caused them.
Twitter user @NotAllMenImANiceGuyISwear63 this Saturday tweeted
“Damn, I really liked the show Louie. Please respect me and my families privacy during this tough time as we deal with this news. #NotHim”
“Where is our ribbon?” Said Ken Kennson, of Pittsford.
“We’re planning a march next month, I think a lot of people have swept this issue under the rug, it’s kind of been an open secret for years now, people don’t understand just how effected we are by hearing about sexual assault on the internet.”
Ken is one of the leaders of the “Guilty until proven innocent” activist group.
“I don’t know, how can we trust all 47 corroborating statements from various women? I think we need to wait until we have all the facts here before we rush to judgment on these claims that have been made for decades.”
ROCHESTER, NY – It is that fourth time of the year again: Rochester’s fourth quarterly Straight Pride Festival, this time costumes.
Straight Pride Season starts in January and runs a short 365 days through to the 31st of December. However, the first big straight pride celebration occurs the weekend of or before March 17th, when straight bros from Rochester and all neighboring cities get together to witness the St. Patrick’s Day Parade and pretend that they are Irish, no matter how Polish or Italian their names are. Celebration culminates vomiting green beer and getting into unnecessary fights.
The second straight pride festival comes two months later on Cinco de Mayo, or May the 5th. It is unknown why the Council of Bros has designated the anniversary of the Battle of Puebla as a day for straight pride, but regardless, the day is designated for straight guys to dress in culturally insensitive outfits, recite inaccurate descriptions of the holiday, vomit tequila, and get into unnecessary fights.
Park Avenue Arts Festival is widely seen in the area as the jewel of Straight Pride Season. 2/3 of Park Avenue and its tributary roads are transformed into a giant open air frat party. There is junk food and beer and liquor and blaring music everywhere. Multiple games of Cornhole and Beer Pong are available to play on nearly every corner. One fortunate year, there were pickup trucks whose beds were filled with water to turn them into makeshift wading pools. Art kiosks are put up to give the illusion of it being a family event, but the real spirit of Park Ave Fest is Peer Pong, vomiting whiskey, and unnecessary fights.
Finally, we come to Halloween. Though the obligatory Fireball shots and unnecessary fighting are observed, this time it is done with costumes. The Council of Bros has designated this straight pride festival to be the one where they can dress as their favorite superhero of movie monster while vomiting Fireball shots and getting into unnecessary fights. The irony is that they often mock cosplayers for doing so, but because of the whey protein and iridescent energy drinks they imbibe on a regular basis, the CoB is immune to claim that they are crybaby basement virgins when they dress in costume.
Women have a myriad of choices for costumes, from “sexy nurse” to “sexy Ninja Turtle”. Anything is on the table for sexualization, even childhood cartoons and inanimate objects. Putting “sexy” in front of any noun is the Rule #34 of Halloween. The night will be filled with multiple events and costume parties, where “sexy” crayons and frat Ironmen will get together to party, vomit, and unnecessarily fight.
If you are lucky, you might find someone dressed in a grotesquely inappropriate costume, such as a radio host dressed as a sexual predator, or someone who bought one of the Bags o’ Racism® available at any of the pop-up costumes stores throughout town. You may even find a person in blackface as a 1958-1986 Michael Jackson, at which point the vomiting will stop, and there will be an actual necessary fight.
Festivities will start promptly at 4:00pm on the 31st, continue through the night, and result in multiple hangovers and call-ins the following morning.
ROCHESTER, NY- As Halloween draws near, many local parents have taken to social media to express their disappointment in the steep decline over the years in the amount of dank drugs and sick ass razor blades they used to find when inspecting their kids Halloween candy.
“Things ain’t how they used to be….back in the 90’s? I’d atleast get a pill or a needle, and that was on a bad day. Sometimes you’d get lucky and there’d be some coke AND a razor blade to chop it up with. The times they are a changing…Is Trump to blame? Hard to say”
Said Father of 3 Henderson Helmsly on his blog “Old white man complains about things.” which he started after feeling as though old white mens complaints and ramblings weren’t in enough abundance on the internet.
“One time I found a straight up katana hidden into a Baby Ruth.” He added.
Studies show that over the past decade the amount of drugs and super sweet needles and razors has declined over 65%, with parents getting lucky to even find half of a klonopin mixed into some smarties.
Many parents are wondering if it’s even worth it to celebrate this year.
Marsha Lyndon of Brighton had this to say.
“What’s the point? Halloween is a time to celebrate, get dressed up, take your kids around the neighborhood and trip balls on whatever unmarked pills you find in their haul. It seems like noone respects the tradition anymore. Very sad.”
