Tag Archives: Theinnerloop

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Hotel Cadillac Shuts Down Leaving Thousands of Bed Bugs Homeless

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The homelessness problem in Rochester has been a long standing issue for the city, an issue that has been made far worse by the announcement that Hotel Cadillac will be shutting down, leaving an estimated 12,000 bed bugs homeless.

The Hotel Cadillac and its harem of beloved bed bugs have been a Rochester staple for years, but as they say, all good, really itchy things must come to an end eventually.

“I have many fond memories of the Hotel Cadillac, and the subsequent infestation of bed bugs that would plague me for months after staying there. It’s sad to see it go.” Said a man who referred to himself only as “Heroin Bob” and offered our reporters a “tug off behind the dumpster for 6 bucks”

(A review of said tug off will be featured in next months “Travel Tips: Where to Find the Best and Worst Dumpster Tug Jobs in Rochester)

Citizens are calling for politicians to do something about this issue.

The head of the Association of Activists for the Homeless and also Bed Bugs for Some Reason (AAHBBSR) had this to say

“We can’t just leave them on the street to die, after all they’ve done for the city? Who amongst us can say that we have not been touched by these beloved creatures? I know I personally had one burrow into my anus, which was an unpleasant yet welcome surprise.”

No word yet on where the bed bugs may be relocated. Many have suggested either funneling them into the 490 hotel or just putting them in Steve’s House.

“Because f*** Steve.”

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5 Signs Your Stuck Behind That Pedal Pub Tour Thing Again

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Rochester, NY- It’s another day in lovely Rochester, you’re planning on just taking a quick drive down to park avenue for a drink, when it happens. You see it up ahead, you can’t avoid it, no side streets to go down, no alternate routes, no escape. That f***ing pedal pub tour bus is up ahead blocking traffic. The pedal pub tour has been a staple in the Rochester community, bringing groups of drunk people from bar to bar on something out of a twisted willy wonka movie. If you’re ever unsure if the pedal pub tour is up ahead , here are five solid signs, you’re stuck behind that pedal pub tour thing again

  1. The Smell Of Bud Light Is In The Air– You can hear the cars up ahead beeping, you can see little remnants of flashing lights and a bright lights, but then it hits you, that distinct smell of bud light, the smell of kids who never left their hometown, the smell of people who paid over three hundred dollars to ride a bike. That’s the smell of the pedal pub tour.
  2. The Guy With The Rochester Plates Hat Almost Fell Off- You can see everyone having fun, drinking, laughing, singing, yet every tour has that one asshole who wears his “Rochester Plates” hat because he hasn’t discovered anything outside of Rochester and thinks it’s good to have hometown pride, meanwhile he’s on the verge of falling off the back of the bike.
  3. That Drunk Bitch Tiffany Is stumbling Out Of Half-pint- This is Tiffany’s third pedal pub tour in one year, yeah sure, one was for work, the other was a bachlorette party, but this time she chose to do it on her own. Is it to get over Derrick? Who knows, all we know is this is the thousandth time she’s stumbled out half-pint screaming about getting some dick on tinder. Get it together Tiffany.
  4. Trails Of Vomit And Half Eaten Garbage Plates Are In The Street- That squishing sound underneath your tire? No, it’s not another squirrel. It’s a f***ing half eaten garbage plate from dogtown, some genius always thinks they can eat and bike and drink, yet again, these people are on the equivalent of an adult themed Chuck E Cheese ride.
  5. You’re writing down the number on the back of the bike- No, not to report it. You have a birthday coming up and quite honestly…it looks kind of fun. F*** your life.
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Americans wait patiently in anticipation of stories of people going blind from the eclipse

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Rochester,NY-People around the country are excited to experience a rare opportunity to read headlines about people going blind from looking at the solar eclipse.

“Usually when someone goes blind, it’s for a really boring reason! I told my kids to really soak it in and remember where they were when they first heard news of someone going blind from looking at the eclipse, they won’t get a chance to see it again for decades!”

Said Tammy Johnson, mother of four, as she put on the paper glasses that protect you from going blind that you can literally get for free at the library.

It goes without saying that we are all looking forward to this incredible chance to witness human stupidity in all its glory.

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Guy Wearing “Make America Great Again” Sombrero Feels Like An Outsider At Party

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Rochester,NY- Cinco De Mayo is a time where people come together and steal from another culture they could really care less about. Yet, tonight David Shultz doesn’t feel apart of anything, he was invited to a “Cinco De Mayo” party and was looking forward to the games, the tequila and most off all, the connection with other people. Yet as soon he walked in, he just felt a coldness from all of the other guest. People scoffed things like “Nice Hat Hitler” or “Who let the racist in”.  David didn’t feel welcome, as if he himself had become some sort of immigrant. We spoke with David to see how he’s handling it.

” You know, I just came here to spend some time with my friends and really just try to let my inner mexican out, enjoy some tequila, eat some tacos, you know, like mexicans! Yet, I’m standing in the corner, being shunned by everyone like I’m some sort of disease carrying mexi…oh wait..oh crap. Okay, now I think I understand why people aren’t talking to me”

David left the party and started to petition for a wall to be built around that party and any other place that made him feel weird and have to question his personal values.

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South Wedge Easter Egg Hunt Took A Terrible Turn When All The Eggs Hatched In Unison.

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Rochester,NY- “We wanted our kids to have fun for Easter but also use this as a teaching moment about animal cruelty and the disgusting practice of factory farming” said Dawson Kreek father of Egg Hunters Bracken, Auden, and Fenton. “But then the eggs starting hatching and we, pardon the pun, all have egg on our face. Our children think we’re monsters.”

 

It wasn’t too soon after the official egg hunt whistle blew that all of the slightly hidden easter eggs started hatching. Soon the streets of the South Wedge were filled with new-born chicks. But since the eggs had been half boiled and dyed per the Easter tradition, the majority of chicks were born heavily deformed and dyed bright colors.

 

The South Wedge Family Counseling Service has made themselves available for any child suffering from PTCD (post traumatic chick dysmorphia).

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Child Finds Dirty Needle during Charlotte Beach Easter Egg Hunt

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Rochester, NY- Panic struck a family friendly event today.  At the annual Charlotte Beach Easter Egg Hunt, a child found an apparently used hypodermic needle in the sand. A story that normally would shock most has had a bit of a strange reaction from the public.  Mayor of Charlotte Beach (as decided by his dominate number of check-ins on Foursquare), Scott Herman, commented on the story, saying “that’s not even close to the worse thing we have found.”

In years past the Easter Egg Hunt has been a family friendly event but each year it is ruined by the discovery of some sort of contraband. “Nothing was worse than the 2008 hunt,” said Foursquare Mayor Herman. “That was the year we found all that evidence from the Alphabet Killings.” Some of the other things included in their findings over the years include; a disposable Kodak camera with tasteful nudes of former Mayor Bob Duffy on it, a human hand holding a knife and two people having sex dressed as Red Wing’s mascots Spikes and Mittsy.

The police are still trying to figure out whether or not the child who found the needle didn’t plant it there himself. Law enforcement officials say, “Kids of all ages are getting into smack now a days, that kid could have just gotten all juiced up and stashed it to hide the evidence.

Mayor Herman tells us that he hopes the findings don’t deter people from participating for years to come.  “That is the fun of an Easter Egg Hunt. You never know what you’re going to find!” says Herman.  “It’s like searching for a piece of history!”

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Pokémon GO Player Finally Catches “Feelings” At Sea Breeze Pier

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Rochester, NY-The Sea Breeze pier has been a hotbed of Pokémon GO activity since the game was released in July 2016.  Adults from all around Rochester camp out near the draw bridge to use their phone to catch a pocket monsters and distract them from their pending deaths.

 

Scott Tilthert of Irondequoit is one of Rochester’s top Pokémon GO players fighting for Team Valor. “I currently am the leader at more than 10 gyms in the Greater Rochester area” said Scott after nobody asked him any questions. “But the toughest challenge I have faced was here at the Sea Breeze pier battling for the heart of Misty.”

 

Misty is the nickname given to redheaded Websterian Clair Deloon, another frequenter of the pier. “I started playing ironically but then got hooked. Also, I know everywhere else I am maybe a 6 but around these Pokemon GO people I feel like a 10” said Clair. “I don’t think a lot of these guys have seen a boob.”

Scott admitted to falling in love with Clair at first sight, and Clair admitted to noticing Scott starring at her with his mouth open. “Honestly the only reason I started talking to him was because my phone battery was running low and he had like 18 portable chargers” said Clair.

“Just like any strong Pokémon it took several raspberries and patients to finally catch her” Scott told The inner loop. “After weeks of asking her if she wanted anything from Bill Grey’s, she finally gave in and asked for a cup of water. Finally, our first date!”
When we told this to Ms. Deloon she said: “Oh god. Did he tell you we’re going on a date? I was just trying to be polite. Great. I am going to have to quit this game now. This is exactly what happened at the Magic The Gathering Tournaments at Village Gate!”

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Lone Black Guy In St Patrick’s Day Parade To Be Awarded For His Bravery

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Rochester,NY- It’s that time of the year again, where we forget that the Irish people have a rich history of amazing accomplishments and just dumb them down to a mental illness that has plagued their families for generations on end,”alcoholism”. Yet, this is not the topic of this article today. Today we are here to honor the one lone black man in the St. Patrick’s day parade, this man remained unnamed, yet is a hero in everyone’s book. Here at the Inner Loop, we have written a letter to his strange black man, who dares defy the odds.

Dear Lone Black Man,

We don’t know how you got there and quite honestly, we do not care. We only want you to know that from here on out, you are to be considered a hero among us peasants, where we could not in a million years imagine putting ourselves in your position, we look at you as a mythical being, transcending even time and space, better than the astronauts, better than the scientist who cure diseases. You dare to put yourself in a crowd of drunken angry irish white people, who to be quite honest, are probably fifty percent cops. You walk among them, like a sheep among wolves waiting to be devoured. You sir are one of a kind. We salute you, walk down that street filled with the false idols of floats and the irish dancers confined to the same rhythm of life. You have your own rhythm, no one will ever be able to touch it. Thank you sir, we thought heroes were a thing of the past. Yet we are all in awe of your greatness. A thousand fortunes and blessings upon your family sir. 

Sincerely, The Inner Loop

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Rochester Man Wears Parka, Rain Boots, and Speedo Everywhere While Mother Nature “Figures Her Stuff Out”

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“I give up” said Rochester Man Hyun-Joo Suk. “To say the weather this month has been bi-polar would be an insult to actual bi-polar people who are more predictable.”

Mr. Suk is amongst the many Rochesterians baffled by the recent ups-and-downs of weather. “I gave up trying to dress according to the forecast since everything changes in an instant. Instead I am just dressing for all occasions at once.”

Suk’s February Rochester Wardrobe consists of a winter coat and hat that he says helps to keep his top bits warm when Mother Nature decides to randomly send 7 inches of snow down seconds after everyone was enjoying the 60° day. “The speedo is just in case I get invited to a pool party or we get a flood out of nowhere” said Suk.

STORY UPDATE: The Inner Loop has reached out to Mother Nature about her drastic environmental shifts and received this message:

I know that A Day Without a Woman is not until March 8th but I wanted to give you all a

taste of what Weather Without This Woman would be like. You enjoying it? I didn’t think

  1. Really? The “Grab Her By The Pussy” Guy? That’s who you want in charge? Cool. Well hope you don’t mind Tsunami Blizzards or f***ing Sharknados. Mother Nature. OUT!

 

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Local Participates in Woman’s March, Still Locks Doors Whenever a Person of Color Passes Her House

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Rochester, NY-Mary Starbrook is a stand up citizen: she participates in local government, votes on local elections, and is an active member of the community. However, something still seems to bother her. Whenever a person of color passes her house, she compulsively locks the door.

“Honestly it’s not by choice” says Mary, fidgeting with the several locks on her door, “I just think that the safety of my family is important”

Mary takes great care in talking with her community- from Honeoye Falls- Lima, where her children are enrolled at school. The mostly white community she says “has a great public school system that gives my children a better opportunity than those of the inner city” she states, shaking her head while saying so.

Like many Rochestarians, Mary was looking forward to the woman’s march, to voice her disapproval of the Trump presidency and provide solidarity to her fellow community members, so long as those community members were white middle to upper class liberals in the Rochester area.

“That’s not true, I have written a very strong letter praising the Black Lives Matter movement,” Mary said when interviewed. “It’s just that their meeting are so late at night and always talk about Martin Luther Prince- oh, I can never remember his name- but they just go on and on and- well obviously I need to drive my kids to school in the morning”

When asked to specify what she was protesting, Mary stated “well, liberty for everyone!” While cutting a person of color in line at Wegman’s.