I really fought the impression to share such a personal ordeal. As
I’ve confided in others through my struggles and witnessed the power of
sharing, I feel a responsibility to stand up and spread hope by helping to fight
the stigma associated with mental health.
I hope others will also feel inspired to speak up. Maybe not in
such a public way, but at the least to be a little more authentic in their
interactions with one another. It’s important to always practice compassion-
even those whom you think have it all are not immune to pain.
So buckle up, and please be sensitive as you read through this lengthy
account of the last few years of my life:
_______________________________________________________________________
Anxiety and I are no strangers. In 2010 I sought out professional
help and gained resources and confidence in my ability to cope, which then
carried me for years.
While preparing for Evelyn’s birth in 2015, I fully anticipated to
be blasted with anxiety and I even wrote out a plan for how I would cope with
those postpartum emotions. When Evelyn came it wasn’t easy adjusting to sleep
deprivation and new feelings of vulnerability that came along with being a parent.
But, as her mother and especially after 2 ½ years of infertility, I had never
felt so in my element. My world revolved entirely around her, yet I could still
keep up on my personal needs, my marriage, and running a clean and orderly home;
I was thriving.
- June 2015 -
13 months after Evelyn’s birth I felt
inspired there was someone very eagerly waiting to come down to earth and join
our family. One month later I learned that I was pregnant! While preparing for baby boy’s arrival I was confident
as a family we would be able to just keep floating along, thriving in our
perfect bubble with another baby in tow.
January 2017 our boy arrived. Charlie’s birth was
not at all what I expected. (I know, no birth ever is.) You can read his birth
story HERE.
Physical recovery was horrible. I wondered how in
the world so many women did what I had just done, then vowed to NEVER put
myself through it again.
There was this unrealistic expectation of how the
newborn phase with Charlie was going to go. Evelyn wasn’t even two years old and
required a ton of attention. Between Jay, family members and friends there were
plenty of helpers in those first weeks after Charlie’s birth. But asking for and
accepting the help was a challenge. I WANTED to be the one tending to Evelyn’s
every need, also while enjoying my newborn baby- rather than lying in bed
feeling physically and emotionally broken. Being so smitten with our little
man, it pained me to not be enjoying the experience the way I hoped or thought
I should be.
Some of those fresh postpartum hormones eased up and I was working
my way towards my definition of “normal.”
However, I just couldn’t quite get there... Practicing self-compassion,
I chalked it all up to being a sleep deprived new mom of two trying to find her
footing. Then I pressed forward with hope that “normal” would come.
- January 2017 -
Too often I was consumed by anxiety, inadequacy, guilt, doubt,
fear, and even anger. My mind was either racing ahead to the future or
reminiscing over the past- particularly over Charlie’s birth and wishing it had
all gone down differently. It was utterly exhausting, at times terrifying, and
overall just a total buzz kill. Often it felt hopeless as though THIS was my new
normal- there was no end in sight.
In November 2017 (9 months postpartum) the anxiety became
crippling enough that I reached out to my insurance which got me in touch with
the closest most convenient counselor. The counselor helped me to see the reality of my position: a sleep deprived mama
caring for young needy children, failing to take time for herself. He also
planted this idea that it could all be hormone related. Our
conversations were validating enough to break away after only a few sessions, because
I had been “fixed”. As I failed to really implement the exercises suggested by
my counselor, the emotional spiral continued.
Our family made
many trips down to Southern California in the last two years. Jay travels frequently
for work and I usually tried to time our trips so the kids and I wouldn’t be
left at home alone. Travel was for sure a huge trigger and there was A LOT of
anxiety leading up to those trips, some more than others. So much of my anxiety
was preparatory and I felt it mainly in my stomach. Especially in preparation
for these trips to California I felt anxious about feeling anxious. Ridiculous
right? But a very real concern in my head. Being away from the comfort of my
own home I would stress about how I would handle a panic attack in front of
other people: Would I still be able to
care for my kids? What if my stomach started acting up? How awful, uncomfortable,
and embarrassing.
While in
counseling back in 2010 I learned about how avoidance only feeds the anxiety
cycle. So regardless of how stressed I felt about these trips, I always went.
Sometimes it was all good and sometimes I experienced a painful amount of
anxiety. Major shout out to my family who was
always so incredibly helpful in caring for my kids, and offered emotional
support as needed.
It’s confusing and incomprehensible unless you’ve experienced it
for yourself… You can be living a life of good fortune in the best of
circumstances and simultaneously feel hopeless. Doing things which others
consider normal were difficult, or simply not enjoyable, which made it easy to
feel alone. Anxiety invites other negative emotions such as guilt and shame.
Here I was living my dream- a mother of two healthy beautiful children and
being a wife to the most loving and compassionate man... This dark cloud was
not warranted! I truly believed this was something I just had to push through-
just put on my big girl pants and deal.
- November 2017 -
April 2018 was an exceptionally low point where most days the
anxiety hit the moment I opened my eyes in the morning. On those days, in my
mind it was inevitable that the anxiety would carry on throughout the day.
I was fearfully bracing for impact, and
too frequently felt physically ill (nausea and stomach problems), dropping
down to 94 pounds.
Somehow in that state of darkness it seemed my heart had a greater
capacity for love. The
intense level of vulnerability triggered by such persistent anxiety forced me
to slow down and hold tight to the things of true importance. The innocence of
my children and the joy which radiated from their precious faces filled me with
light. There were days when the weight of caring for them felt too heavy and I wished
I could crawl back in bed. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how much of
a blessing those kids really were [and still are!] to me, even when the
responsibility of caring for them felt heavy. Dropping that weight just wasn’t
an option. They literally got me out of bed and gave me a sense of
purpose. They inspired me with their abilities to seize moments and be mindful
with such great ease.
- April 2018 -
From the time we were dating Jay has been aware of my emotional
struggles and is nothing but one of the greatest sources of support and
comfort. He is the most compassionate person I know. During this particularly tough time I wasn’t confiding in him or
anyone else often or honestly enough. I just felt like such a wreck inside and
hated the idea of burdening somebody else. Again, I saw it as a problem I just
had to bare through and solve on my own.
One night after getting the kids to bed, for whatever reason I was
absolutely consumed by anxiety- my heart pounded out of my chest making it
difficult to breathe. I wished so desperately for this- whatever this was, to
end. Pacing the hall right outside the office where Jay was, I debated whether
or not to interrupt his evening with my madness. With a great amount of courage
I walked in the office, crawled into his lap, bawled my eyes out and told him
that something was not right- I was not okay. He was tender and kind as I
proceeded to confess. At one point I mentioned something about not living up to
my full potential as a person and especially as a mom. He grabbed the loose
skin on his belly and said, “Rach… Look at this. Does it look like I’M living
up to MY potential??” His humor was such a tender mercy and inspired me to
consider letting go of perfectionism. There will always be untapped potential
within, but NO ONE will ever reach perfection while on this earth (except for
Christ), and that is more than OK! That is the point of life- to keep striving,
keep enduring and doing our best.
That night Jay talked me down enough that together we were able to
create a game plan which included finding another counselor, and then he gave
me a priesthood blessing. The blessing stated that this was my trial; it was
necessary for my growth and will be used to help others.
Shortly after, I also confessed to my bishop the things I had been
struggling with. The spirit which filled his office was overwhelming. I wasn’t
particularly close with my bishop, but in that meeting I felt as though he knew
me intimately and genuinely cared. He is without a doubt an inspired man of
God and I will never forget our encouraging conversation.
I tapped into all my resources and through divine inspiration came
to find Tiffany Roe (@heytiffanyroe via Instagram). Tuning in to Tiffany's podcasts and daily Instagram posts, I
gained so much valuable knowledge and understanding. She’s an incredible person
and I have such respect for her work. Along with that, in April I was moved by
Elder Oaks' General Conference talk: "Small and Simple Things"
With perseverance and patience- small and simple DAILY actions of
goodness, I recognized my worth. I learned more about what my needs are and
most importantly how to meet those needs.
- May 2018 -
Still a mama of two trying to find my footing. Still evaluating what
my own personal limits were and striving to respect them... I had to practice
positivity and self-compassion daily. Some days it was so not easy! But more
than ever I was equipped and felt strength from God. I learned my anxiety was
the result of a lack of proper emotional, physical, and spiritual self-care. At
that point since I was no longer nursing and hormones were on the fritz, I was
convinced it also played a very critical role in the emotional chaos...
Hormones are everything. Postpartum depression and anxiety is real. It
sometimes doesn’t even manifest itself until months after giving birth. And it
can be difficult to recognize in yourself especially if you’re already an
anxious person by nature.
With even the smallest fear or concern left to stew in your head
it is so easy to catastrophize. As I mentioned, I never wanted to be a burden
to anyone. Then I discovered the very act of vocalizing my fears and concerns put
things in perspective and gave me a chance to validate and then challenge my
emotions. So on a hard day rather than curling up in a ball avoiding people and
situations, I mustered up courage to call someone- Jay, my mom, or one of my
sisters. The conversations often started out with a lot of shaking and/or tears
on my end, but by the end of the phone call I was usually laughing and feeling
motivated by their intense love and support. This inspired idea of sharing lead
to confiding in friends and learning that I most certainly was not alone. Sharing
part of my story with one friend in particular added so much more value to our friendship
as I opened up and she reciprocated openness and vulnerability. She checked in
with me often. Once I took the plunge and found a new counselor, she babysat my
kids while I attended sessions.
At the end of
August I met with a counselor named Sue. In our first session she provided me with some new reassurance and
tools for relief. For so long I
searched for a better understanding: Was
this my fault? Did I inflict this because I wasn’t taking good enough care of
myself? Was I not praying often enough? Was there something wrong with me?
Would I ever be “normal”? Was this chemical? Was this circumstantial? WHAT is this?
Sue confirmed
that anxiety is genetic, and postpartum anxiety and depression are totally
chemical. It’s beyond anyone’s control, its unpredictable- such as in my case
where I was completely fine after having Evelyn and then basically anything but
fine after having Charlie. There are of course environmental factors to
consider as well. Sue expressed great hope and confidence in my ability to reach my
goal of thriving. We discussed mindfulness- anxiety thrives in the past and the
future. Mindfulness allows us to be in the moment without judgment, which
basically means not labeling things as good or bad. Rather, we tap into our
five senses and simply notice our surroundings. Mindfulness is where peace and
relief from stress live. (Tffany Roe also preaches this, she even has a podcast
about mindfulness and it is excellent!) Sue validated my feelings while putting
them in perspective. She suggested I practice mindfulness and a few other breathing
exercises until our next meeting in September.
Despite what
I hoped for months prior, faith in God and His power alone wouldn’t heal me.
However, faith was a vital component in my healing process. Through faith I had
been able to navigate and find the help necessary up to this point. And through
faith I was able to take it one step further in asking for help...
My assumption
was the only people who took medication were those with serious depression and
other chemical imbalances. I never judged anyone negatively, I just couldn’t place myself in that category mainly because of my
lack of understanding on how medication works. Sue was confident in my ability
to manage anxiety without it. And you know, maybe I could have... Then the
reality and severity of my condition hit me hard one day. Yes, I had resources
and support from friends and family. But even in these efforts- in climbing
what felt like a mountain for the last 20 months, I came to realize that more
often than not I was slipping down the mountain. I was suffering and it was suddenly
clear: ENOUGH! I needed help beyond
what I was capable of providing. I had been fighting- doing everything I knew how
to do, but something still wasn’t right.
Feeling
empowered, during a doctor’s visit I asked about medication for anxiety. After
an extremely informative conversation with the doctor I felt very good about
proceeding. I was prescribed a low dose of Celexa then was warned about trial
and error which often comes with finding the right medication. There was a
chance Celexa wouldn’t work at all, and also a chance of my symptoms worsening.
Either way I was instructed to continue with the medication for at least one
month and then reevaluate if needed.
With great
optimism I took my first dose that evening. The next morning I woke feeling off
in a way I really can’t explain. I went straight into a full blown panic
attack. I laid in bed frantically trying to catch my breath as my heart pounded
out of my chest and my arms went numb. I was certain Jay needed to drive me to
the emergency room. What have I done?
What is this poison in my body? I can’t take another pill, this is too awful.
I’m not up for this.
Jay calmly
reminded me about trial and error, then likened it to running: When you’re out
of shape and go running for the first time it is not a pleasant experience. But
with consistency and perseverance you become stronger and capable of running
long distances. My body recognized the chemical change and needed time to
adjust. The next week was like running a marathon while horribly out of shape.
I felt anxious and nauseous, leaving me without an appetite and with low energy.
Thank goodness for my family’s support and a couple of dear friends who checked
in daily to reassure me from their own experiences that this was an adjustment
period and things would get better soon.
By week two I
felt more balanced. After one month I was reaping the benefits of the
medication. A moment which stands out while we were in California: My kids were
out playing in the yard and I went out to join them. The heavenly California breeze
blowing through the trees… the precious faces of my sweet children… the joyful
sound of their voices… There was no anxiety. My body wasn’t tense. I wasn’t
stressing about ridiculous things that were out of my control. I was mindful, I
was PRESENT.
I don’t intend to give off this false idea that I had spent the
last two years in a constant state of despair and depression. There were many moments
of peace and contentment. I’d go through cycles of feeling like I had my
emotions together but it never seemed to stick for very long. This new sense of peace within me during that
California trip was SO wonderful, and while I wanted to celebrate, I was
seriously worried about jinxing it. Then, those happy feelings lingered through
the rest of the trip and a small seed of hope was planted.
- September 2018 -
At my next
counseling session I shared the good news with Sue. She congratulated me for my
progress, encouraged me to be proud, while also reminding me to keep up with
the daily mental and spiritual exercises which will help keep my emotions in
check. I couldn’t rely solely on the medication, but now that the medication
was working its magic I could focus on strengthening my coping skills.
In the past
on the night before Jay would leave town for a work trip I would basically beg
him not to go. I wasn’t concerned about him; he’d be fine. The concern was
always impractical: What if something
happened to ME while he was gone? What if I had a panic attack and couldn’t
care for the kids? My fears never became a reality and usually within the
first day of Jay’s work trip I was fine. It was the anticipation that
absolutely killed me.
One month
into my medication, Jay left on a business trip. And guess what? It was no big
deal. Of course I don’t love when he leaves but I understood IF something were
to happen leaving me unable to care for the kids, there were options for
support. I wasn’t completely helpless, instead I was comforted and empowered.
There are so
many additional things which proves the medication to be effective:
·
I can go more
than one week without a panic attack or feeling nauseous.
·
A sink full
of dishes doesn’t ruin my entire day.
·
A tantrum by
one of my kids doesn’t send me down a dark hole of serious guilt and shame.
·
I don’t feel
intimidated or stressed out in certain social situations.
·
I’m better able
to accept my inability to control everything around me.
·
When I’m
overwhelmed with my kids I can shamelessly ask for help.
·
I’m capable
of fulfilling my church calling.
·
Jay and I are
discussing our Christmas travel plans and my anxiety level is in the low range.
·
About a week
ago I had some serious thoughts about wanting a third baby- that right there
says a heck of a lot about my emotional state, ha.
·
I have a
greater appreciation for my body and my mind.
·
I’m more self-aware,
yet with this new energy I’m better able to serve others, which then fulfills
me even more.
I’m not numb
to emotion; I’m balanced.
The very best
part of all this: I am a better wife and a better mom. Being on the other end
of it, I have a new ability to truly cherish the simple moments of life- the
daily joys I experience just by being alive and especially being a wife and a
mother. Anxiety, fear, and stress are essential to our human experience and I
will never be completely spared in this life. As Sue reminded: I still have to practice
the things learned through counseling. But I am better equipped to deal; my
mind is clear, I feel a new zest for life, I practice self-compassion on a
daily basis. I am happy. I am not only showing up for my life but I’m ENJOYING
it.
My emotional
instability kept me from doing a lot of the things that I love. While I kept up
and enjoyed taking photos of my family for my own safe-keeping, I seriously
lacked the confidence and drive to pursue my passion of photography. On black
Friday I bought a new camera. I’ve done more photo shoots in the last month
than I did in the last two years! I’ve never been so pumped about pursuing this
passion!
“Trials and
tribulations tend to squeeze the artificiality out of us, leaving the essence
of what we really are and clarifying what we really yearn for.” –Neal A.
Maxwell
Looking back, there wasn’t anything I would have done differently.
Maybe seeking professional help sooner would have been beneficial. But I
believe to an extent it was necessary for me to suffer. There were dark moments
where the load felt unbearably heavy, but I specifically remember simultaneously
feeling relief and even gratitude for this struggle, which drew me to God in a
way I couldn’t have come to otherwise. There was purpose in my pain. And when
it came time to seriously consider medication, knowing I had given it my all and
was in the Lord’s hands made the decision easy.
I did go
through a phase of bitterness- focusing on the negative moments of the last two
years of my life and feeling straight up gipped. There was so much potential-
so many moments I missed because of my inability to be fully emotionally
present. It felt as though I had experienced a loss- precious time with my
family where I couldn’t fully embrace the moment. While maybe I did miss out,
this newfound strength, perspective, and compassion is such a gift to myself
and hopefully to my family. I’ve always desired nothing more than to be a good
mom. Life is hard and I need to know how to coach my children through the
storms of life. How could I do so without the knowledge that comes from my own
personal experiences?
A disease of the mind calls for just as much [if not more] attention
as any other disease of the body. Just as we visit our doctor and dentist on a
regular basis to maintain physical health, counseling is something I’m taking
on as another regular “well-check”. Having an excuse to get out of the house
without kids, sit down with an adult and talk for one hour is therapy in
itself. It’s been so comforting having someone to report to frequently, someone
socially removed from me, but genuinely invested in my well-being.
Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. This is perhaps the
most valuable thing I’ve learned. We are never meant to suffer alone, and by
keeping a close relationship with our Heavenly Father, we never will.
Taking it one day at time, I’m relishing the good and practicing
mindfulness when I start to feel flustered or out of control. Obviously there
was a serious chemical imbalance which occurred after having Charlie, but now
that my mind is as clear as I think it’s ever been I recognize this struggle
didn’t exactly start right after giving birth. This struggle with anxiety has
been going on for as long as I can recall- the severity fluctuating throughout
my life. With no real idea of what the future holds, I fully anticipate my life
to be loaded with many more hardships. But my new hope is that I will have the
strength to endure, especially with the Lord on my side.
