joule_e

Also, I came across this quote today:

"As a word, nirvana is negative. It means "to blow out", as one would extinguish a fire, and the Buddha often describes it as putting out, cooling, or quenching the fires of self-will and selfish passion. But the force of the word is entirely positive. Like the English word flawless, it expresses perfection as the absence of any flaw. Perfection, the Buddha implies, is our real nature. All we have to do is remove the self-centeredness that covers it.

Someone once asked the Buddha skeptically, "What have you gained through meditation?"

The Buddha replied "Nothing at all."

"Then, Blessed One, what good is it?"

"Let me tell you what I lost through meditation: sickness, anger, depression, insecurity, the burden of old age, the fear of death. That is the good of meditation, which leads to nirvana."


What draws one back from this sublime state? The separate personality is lost, yet we cannot say nothing remains. There is a kind of shadow which the Buddha wears, clothing him in humanity, yet it is so thin that the radiance of infinity transfigures him. Siddhartha dissolved in the fourth dhyana (meditative state), and one called the Buddha returned from it; that is all we can say."

-From The Dhammapada translated and introduced by Eknath Easwaran

I posted this in my myspace, but I'm such a lurker here, so I thought i'd work to correct that a little.

A few weeks ago I was thinking a lot about happiness. Before I completely abandon obsessing on this idea for a newer and shinier one, I've decided to write my thoughts out. So, here they are:

It occurred to me last week that I can think and over think about negative emotions, but I never really think about what makes me happy, I just feel it. To know what makes me happy is a more tenuous thing, more slippery. I think its because when I feel sad or angry, it's a problem…something to solve. When I feel happy, I don't have a tendency to think, "why the HELL am I happy?"
So, there are a few blooms that have opened in my mind from all this thinking (and talking) about happiness recently. One is this: A lot of happiness can get tied up in other people. I think this is both good and bad. Partly, this happiness can be so sticky because it wraps up happiness with the ego.
What I mean is this: giving of yourself is not exactly selfless. What about others' happiness brings us happiness? I think one of the reasons is that we reward ourselves for good behavior. It balances out our lives, like the idea of heaven and hell. The thoughts go like this: If I atone enough with good deeds, my life may have meaning and may outweigh any bad things I may have thought or done. If I do enough good things, there may be some sort of reward for it. Someone will see that I have sacrificed, someone will see that I have been the one behind the curtain, making sure the show goes okay.
The truth is, there is never enough of a reward for this kind of behavior. The actors on the stage are the ones that sign all the autographs, and if you start to feel like everyone is being ungrateful, it's hard not to get burnt out, to not slip into resentment. I think a lot of unhappiness comes from expectations that other people know or can consider our viewpoint, or that if they had the same information that we had, they'd make the same decisions. Really though, the only true reward that one can expect from putting energy into this kind of happiness is that you get to see the people you love having a better life, you get to build the world into a better place. Even if you give part of your energy to help those you don't know and love, you still get to know that you are helping to create reality as a kinder place. You may change the way someone looks at the world for only a minute, but that may change how they treat the next person, and that changes how that person treats the next person, and so on….and hopefully it puts more kindness into the reality we live in. To doubt that this comes back to you is to doubt that the world is connected. From kind behavior to others, you get to view yourself as a good person, which is still a kind of ego trip, but what isn't? Would it be better to not do these things and live in a world where everyone is alone, unconnected, fighting each other for the scraps?
For some reason, I just find it useful to know that even selfless behavior is not truly selfless. I think its because it can lead me to thinking about how what I often think of as selfish happiness behavior is not always all that selfish. I think there is some part of me that thinks secretly that the energy I put into other people's projects and endeavors is unselfish, and will have more of a pay off. Truly though, what is selfish about making myself happy, independent of other people? Even as I typed that last sentence, I felt a bit guilty, but I know that it is true that a life without the moments I take to make myself happy is a life that is unbalanced. If I don't have a self, than all I have to give is an endless supply of nothing. To be able to be worth anything to other people, a person must have worth beyond other people.
I started thinking about the things that make me happy that don't have anything to do with anyone else. The more I thought about these things, the more they seemed to fall into two (…or perhaps more) additional types of happiness. While I think of the first kind of happiness I described above as "the Muse happiness" I have started thinking of the second type as "Buddha happiness" or "Zen happiness". This is the happiness of beauty and pleasure. Seeing a sunset. Hugging someone deeply. Smelling bread baking. Taking the world into our senses, and appreciating life.
This happiness is related to seeing the universe unfold in all its glory, and all its "is-ness". It's a sense of peace that can help balance the slightly restless happiness of pleasing other people. This is a happiness that takes a little time to create and be aware of. In the world, one can be the observer or one can be the observed. It's almost impossible to be both at the same time. A lot of "Zen happiness" comes from taking time out to be the observer. I don't often think or speak really about a god to people I don't know well, because my thoughts about that are complex, but when I do, I talk about god dividing himself up into everything that exists to be both the observer and the observed. Maybe I'll talk about my god story later. This isn't really the place for it, but it illustrates why this happiness is important. When we observe in this way, I feel it is the god in us seeing the god in other people or things.
Another type of happiness is what I have started thinking of as "Artistic happiness". This is the happiness of being lost in a task, or a hobby or some kind of a project, and also the happiness of problem solving. I think that the search for knowledge and the joy of teaching can be included within this happiness. It's the happiness of creation, and sometimes of completion. The happiness of being the observed. I'm torn here in calling this one type of happiness, because the happiness of fulfilling a task is related to the happiness of getting lost in it, but it is also a unique thing unto itself. Its like its all the same road trip, and it's hard to separate out arriving at the destination form the journey, yet they are each their own thing.
I think a lot of happiness is the combination of these three types. For instance, the body-mind one that exists in the athlete is a combination of "Zen happiness", and of the "Artistic happiness". Part of this is just a rush of endorphins and feeling the power of the body, but part of it is a feeling of rightness when the body responds immediately to the mind and to the way it has been trained through practice. I think watching people that you love doing things that bring them joy can be part "muse happiness" plus part "zen happiness" Its still happiness that is tied to other people, but its active loving, through observation. Its a big kind of happiness, I think.
What other happinesses are there?

The rules, from this blog via OwenJ's tumblr:

"I was discussing relationships with the lovely Violet Blue and we came up with the rules for the getting hurt game. Here is our list:

1. Don't be honest with yourself or others.


2. Give your trust to people that don't trust you.


3. Know that you are not worth fighting for.


4. Believe you can grow/help/save people.


5. Believe the situation is only temporary.

Here is to hoping you play the game as well as we have"

It's your last chance to see STL Roller Derby this year. Our next season doesn't start again until April. You don't want to make it through the cold months without warm memories of local girls getting knocked to the ground, do you?
 

Look at me!!!!

Seriously, I think/ talk about derby too much. At least I'll be at Archon tonight for a little bit, getting my geek on. I'll try to post something that doesn't pertain to derby one of these days, but really I'm kinda a private person, unless you really know me. It makes me wonder why I have a blog.  Actually, I have 3 blogs. I don't update any of them regularly. Maybe I should try to use it as an exercise in being more open and communicative. Maybe. We'll see. 

The Feature article in the RFT is on the Arch Rival Rollergirls. You can see it in hard copy or here. There's even a goofy pic of me.

From Panama, even.

I learned how to take the bearings out of my skates yesterday. Skatium grime is Nasty. They are all clean and freewheelin' now. I made the wheels a little looser, so that they can go faster. I am destined to fall hard on my ass, but as long as I don't break my tailbone (again), I'll be fine. Pssh! Who needs control?
The power went out at UMSL today. It came back on two minutes after they cancelled classes, but about five minutes before I threw in the towel and went home for the day. Maybe I'll leave early. Like at noon.