Yesterday was my little Delaney's 2nd "birthday". Last year, it was a pretty tough day. I was just 19 days away from delivering James. I was kind of (ok REALLY) a basket case. I had a lot that I was up against... pregnancy hormones coursing through me, concern for this new baby's safety & life and the memory of delivering a still, silent baby. I remember crying a lot on June 2nd both two years ago and last year.
This year, I have not cried. Well... not until I started writing this post. I have spent time remembering and pondering my experience. I've been grateful that I'll see her again. I've snuggled my nearly 1 year old boy closer. But the sting of losing her is less this year. We don't talk about her as often as we once did. When her name does come up, I am grateful that my kids still remember. I'm glad that they know her in a way. I'm glad that they have her supporting them from beyond the veil. And that they know it! We have all been blessed by her spirit since the day she was conceived.
Today, a very close friend of mine is in the hospital delivering her first. A little boy. She and her husband are like family to us. Their son (from his first marriage) is a year younger than Aiden and a year older than Zack. They are good little friends and they play like cousins. I feel like I'm gaining a nephew today. I am so excited to hold that healthy little baby and breathe in his preciousness.
I occasionally ache to hold Delaney again. Her tiny little body was so perfect. She looked like Chloe. I slept with her on my chest and to this day I am so glad I got that night with my little angel. I was nervous before her delivery that her body would scare me or that it would be weird to have a dead body to "deal with". But when you create something so perfect and she comes straight from Heaven, dead or alive, she is yours. You love her and there is nothing weird about loving her in whatever form she is given to you. I can not wait to hold her again. To play with her. I hope that one day she will crawl all over me as I lay on the floor in Heaven. That she will give me open mouth, slobbery, baby kisses. I pray that my family and I will live worthy of that privilege.
Until then, I will hold and kiss these other babies of mine. And I will steal a little time with the babies that are born around me.
Happy Birthday my little Delaney. Momma loves you!
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Zack's Story
Today, I get to blog about one of the craziest, scariest things our family has experienced.
On Sunday, we had Stake Conference. We normally have church at 11, but this week it was 10am. I got up extra early and we were all ready to leave by about 9:10 so we could get the comfy seats at the stake center. We got to the church at about 9:20. There had been no tears or running around in a hurry. It was a great morning. I was very excited to be there because we were getting a new Stake Presidency. I love when new leaders are called. I always feel the spirit witnessing to me that they are good men of God who have been called. It is amazing to me to watch as the torch is passed to the next President (or Bishop or Counselor).
So we pull in to the Stake Center parking lot and Jeremy backs the suburban up to the landscape rocks on the edge of the parking lot... you know, so we can make a run for it and get outta there faster than lightning when its over. We have taught the kids to always go to the back of the car, or away from where there are other cars driving in the parking lot. So all three big kids headed toward the rocks. Jeremy was getting James out and I was getting my purse (or something... I don't honestly remember). I glanced back to see that the kids were behaving themselves. Zack is such a boy. He loves to climb. He always finds things to step on that he probably shouldn't. As I glanced back, he was doing just that. There is a dome shaped, plastic lid that is basically a man-hole cover in the rocks and he decided to walk across the top of it.
What no one realized and even now can hardly imagine, is that it wasn't secured in place. As soon as he got both feet on the lid, it flipped over like a pancake and my tiny little 6 year old boy fell in to what I could only assume was the sewer. I didn't know where it would take him. Was there running water down there? Was it deep? How in the world does that even happen?!? Faster than I could even think all of these horrible possibilities, I ran to the edge of the hole and screamed for Jeremy to save our son. I looked down and could see the top of his head and his arms splashing. The fear of him being swept away by some filthy current of sewage was replaced by the thought that he can't possibly remember how to swim.
I can only imagine that he was terrified. What was going thru his mind? Was he scared he'd be in trouble for standing on that lid? Was he trying desperately to remember the swimming lessons he had nearly 10 months ago? Did he have doubts as to whether we'd get him out or not? My heart aches to think what he might have thought. Not only that, but I could tell that although he wasn't being swept away, he was most definitely in sewage.
Within 10 seconds Jeremy had jumped in after him. Those 10 seconds and even the next several after that seemed like an eternity. The fact that Jeremy was able to go down a 3 foot diameter hole and not land on Zack and push him back under the water was a miracle in itself. He had braced himself against the walls of the tube so he would slow down enough to control where he landed. I stood there just being amazed that my husband jumped in to sewage without a second thought. He lifted Zack above his head and Zack reached his little hands up so I could pull him the rest of the way out of the hole. It was 10 feet from where I was standing to the "water" level and there was 5 feet of "water" that Jeremy was left standing in. No way was he getting himself out. So after Zack was safe on the ground, I yelled for help. I could hear Jeremy gagging because of the awful smell and the fact that he was chest deep in the nastiness. The sister missionaries were the first to come over to see what was going on. The Elders were right behind them. We got keys from the Elders and Zack, the Sisters and I went to see if there was a shower in the baptism area of the bathrooms. There isn't. So we headed back out to the parking lot.
Meanwhile, Jeremy had been waiting at the bottom of the hole for someone to help him out. I have no idea, an neither does he, who helped him out of that mess. But someone had a tie down or tow rope in their truck. They tossed one end down to Jeremy and he strapped it around his chest and the unknown men hoisted him out. When I got back from checking for a shower in the bathroom, he had just gotten out and was walking with a man named Aaron Evans toward the back wall of the church property.
Aaron lives right behind the church (to the side of the church actually), just over the wall. Jeremy took Zack and with brother Evans carrying James in his car seat, they jumped the (very short) wall to his house. I gathered Aiden and Chloe and we walked around to the Evans' house. When we got there we were welcomed into a complete stranger's house. My husband was showering with Zack in the master bathroom. Brother Evans treated us like family. He was so kind and concerned. He offered Jeremy some dress slacks & a shirt and was thinking of who in the neighborhood might have something for Zack to wear. I told him not to worry about the dress clothes. We were not going to make it to Conference. My boys finished showering and he gave them some basket ball shorts and t-shirts to wear. Jeremy and Aaron gave Zack a blessing at my request and he tossed us the keys to his car and said "Use it to get back to your car and get home and just park it here when you are done with it." We are seriously so grateful for his sacrifice. I mean, really.... they probably had to have the carpet cleaned in their bedroom after my poop covered child and husband walked across it.
I have spent many days and a few restless nights considering the endless - and possibly tragic - scenarios that could have happened instead of the relatively benign outcome we were blessed with. It was terrible. It was traumatic. But there were no unconquerable tragedies. My boy came home with us. Period. All of my children are safe and so is my husband. No one's pain lasted more than the week. The only things lost were a little bit of childhood innocence and some clothes. I'm so grateful for that.
Its been over a week now and we have been back over to the church building where it happened. In place of the plastic lid, there is now a possibly-over-kill mound of concrete with a standard metal man-hole cover on it. As well as on ALL of the other ground openings at each of the buildings in our stake. I'm grateful for the care that has been taken to prevent another event like the one we've been thru. Our Stake President went to the scene and saw what had happened there and realized, as we did, how much more terrible the outcome could have been. We are all chuckling about it now... even Zack tells people his story just to see their eyes bug out of their heads in shock.
And he swears he will never stand on anything like THAT ever again.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Her name is Delaney
That's right! We have another little girl that belongs to our family! She's perfect. Ten itty bitty fingers and ten itty bitty toes. She somehow already looked like Chloe to us.
My thoughts seem so jumbled right now. This whole experience, especially at the hospital, has given me so much to take in.
We got to the hospital at 3am on Saturday morning. After all the paperwork, medical history, and prep they started me just before 6am. Things were pretty slow at first. Jeremy went out to get breakfast and I ordered from the hospital menu. Yum :/ We tried to rest. But it was pointless. Jeremy's breakfast made him sick so by mid day we were a pretty sad pair. Luckily I had some Tylenol in my purse because the nurses couldn't give him anything. It makes sense, but really folks? You can't spare 4 advil? Oh well, the Tylenol helped him rest a little bit. The nurse we had from 3-7am on Saturday was a sweetheart. She, Kelley, was really friendly and put me at ease. The nurse I had the rest of the day on Saturday, Tracy, was nice but was overly concerned about how hard this would be for me. It was a little unsettling, but she was still very kind and considerate.
Just before 2:00 my mom texted me and said she was on her way to the hospital. Mom's always know. Even before I knew it was time for her to head over, she knew. By the time she got there I needed her so badly. When she said she was on her way, I was getting pretty uncomfortable. By the time she arrived, I had asked for an epidural. Jeremy literally couldn't stand on his own two feet because breakfast was still wreaking havoc on him. The anesthesiologist came in right behind mom and my anxiety level jumped! That process is so difficult for me... with the c-sections its a spinal block and this was actually more difficult than that. Still worth it, just a very unpleasant process. Jeremy is the only one allowed in the operating room and normally holds me while they do it. But since he couldn't stand up, my mom held me and talked me thru it. I don't know what I'd have done with out her. I'm so glad she came when she did.
The next 2 or 3 hours seem like maybe an hour in my mind. I spent those hours shaking mostly. My mom used essential oils to help me relax and they helped a little but not a ton. She stood by me and I could feel Jeremy wanting to be there next to me too. Around 4ish, I think, the nurse said I was probably about ready to get baby out. Dr. Richardson came in a little while later and they got everything ready. I got to experience, on some level, that delivery that I've always wanted. Jeremy came and sat by my side while we brought our daughter into this world. I won't write the whole experience here but I don't think I'll soon forget it either. My baby was here. The cord had to be cut before I could hold her so while the doctor was doing that I asked to know if it was a boy or girl. I already knew. I couldn't imagine that she could possibly tell me it was a boy. And she didn't. I had a girl. My boys have another sister and Chloe has one too! They laid my little girl on my chest and all the anxieties, worries, and fears I had had leading up to that very moment melted away into the most calm and peaceful feeling I've ever experienced. I didn't cry. I didn't need to. I just sat there looking at her. Falling completely in love with a perfect little body. She had nothing visibly wrong with her. She was smaller than I could have really prepared for or imagined. I knew she'd be that small but you just can't wrap your head around a person being 4 ounces and 6 1/2 inches long until you hold it in the palm of your hand. And yet she seemed just right to me. A miracle. Not the miracle we were planning on, but still a miracle.
My doctor and nurses were wonderful. They let me hold her as long as I wanted. Nothing at all was required of me. They told me that when I was ready they had a few things they'd need to do both for medical purposes and for me to have some keepsakes. They validated every bit of this experience as real. I didn't miscarry. I delivered a silent baby. They said this is called neonatal death. She was too young to be called stillborn but too old to be a true miscarriage. That may seem trivial but it validated so many of my feelings. I eventually let the nurse take her for a little bit. They made us an impression of her hands and feet, took some pictures of her and did hand and foot prints too. They gave us some little flowers they had used in the pictures as well as the tiny blankets they had wrapped her in. When they brought her back I had some of my own things to wrap her in. Thanks to my awesome friend, Sarah, who went thru this same thing back in December. She passed down some of the things that were given to her that she didn't use with her little boy. I was able to wrap Delaney in a sweet little sleeping bag style thing with a hood and also lay her on a tiny blanket while I rested with her on my chest. Again, I just felt so peaceful to have her body there with me. She stayed in the room while we slept last night. I could have let the nurses take her but it just felt right to have her with us. I'm glad she was there.
We took a few more pictures this morning before we left the hospital. Then we spent a little more time with her. When I was ready we left her there. It wasn't an easy thing to do by any means, but it was not as heart wrenching as I feared it would be. It may be that those feelings will come. I think they will. But we were okay. She's okay. We are all being taken care of. Our spirits are in good hands. As hard as this is and will be, and as much as I would be thrilled to watch her body be alive and run around our house and drive me crazy like the other kids, this is an experience that I wouldn't trade. It is purifying for our whole family. Unifying and purifying. The Lord knows what is best. We are an eternal family. And now we have one more reason to live up to that standard. One more reason to keep our covenants and do our best. We will be better in the end because of our perfect girl.
My thoughts seem so jumbled right now. This whole experience, especially at the hospital, has given me so much to take in.
We got to the hospital at 3am on Saturday morning. After all the paperwork, medical history, and prep they started me just before 6am. Things were pretty slow at first. Jeremy went out to get breakfast and I ordered from the hospital menu. Yum :/ We tried to rest. But it was pointless. Jeremy's breakfast made him sick so by mid day we were a pretty sad pair. Luckily I had some Tylenol in my purse because the nurses couldn't give him anything. It makes sense, but really folks? You can't spare 4 advil? Oh well, the Tylenol helped him rest a little bit. The nurse we had from 3-7am on Saturday was a sweetheart. She, Kelley, was really friendly and put me at ease. The nurse I had the rest of the day on Saturday, Tracy, was nice but was overly concerned about how hard this would be for me. It was a little unsettling, but she was still very kind and considerate.
Just before 2:00 my mom texted me and said she was on her way to the hospital. Mom's always know. Even before I knew it was time for her to head over, she knew. By the time she got there I needed her so badly. When she said she was on her way, I was getting pretty uncomfortable. By the time she arrived, I had asked for an epidural. Jeremy literally couldn't stand on his own two feet because breakfast was still wreaking havoc on him. The anesthesiologist came in right behind mom and my anxiety level jumped! That process is so difficult for me... with the c-sections its a spinal block and this was actually more difficult than that. Still worth it, just a very unpleasant process. Jeremy is the only one allowed in the operating room and normally holds me while they do it. But since he couldn't stand up, my mom held me and talked me thru it. I don't know what I'd have done with out her. I'm so glad she came when she did.
The next 2 or 3 hours seem like maybe an hour in my mind. I spent those hours shaking mostly. My mom used essential oils to help me relax and they helped a little but not a ton. She stood by me and I could feel Jeremy wanting to be there next to me too. Around 4ish, I think, the nurse said I was probably about ready to get baby out. Dr. Richardson came in a little while later and they got everything ready. I got to experience, on some level, that delivery that I've always wanted. Jeremy came and sat by my side while we brought our daughter into this world. I won't write the whole experience here but I don't think I'll soon forget it either. My baby was here. The cord had to be cut before I could hold her so while the doctor was doing that I asked to know if it was a boy or girl. I already knew. I couldn't imagine that she could possibly tell me it was a boy. And she didn't. I had a girl. My boys have another sister and Chloe has one too! They laid my little girl on my chest and all the anxieties, worries, and fears I had had leading up to that very moment melted away into the most calm and peaceful feeling I've ever experienced. I didn't cry. I didn't need to. I just sat there looking at her. Falling completely in love with a perfect little body. She had nothing visibly wrong with her. She was smaller than I could have really prepared for or imagined. I knew she'd be that small but you just can't wrap your head around a person being 4 ounces and 6 1/2 inches long until you hold it in the palm of your hand. And yet she seemed just right to me. A miracle. Not the miracle we were planning on, but still a miracle.
My doctor and nurses were wonderful. They let me hold her as long as I wanted. Nothing at all was required of me. They told me that when I was ready they had a few things they'd need to do both for medical purposes and for me to have some keepsakes. They validated every bit of this experience as real. I didn't miscarry. I delivered a silent baby. They said this is called neonatal death. She was too young to be called stillborn but too old to be a true miscarriage. That may seem trivial but it validated so many of my feelings. I eventually let the nurse take her for a little bit. They made us an impression of her hands and feet, took some pictures of her and did hand and foot prints too. They gave us some little flowers they had used in the pictures as well as the tiny blankets they had wrapped her in. When they brought her back I had some of my own things to wrap her in. Thanks to my awesome friend, Sarah, who went thru this same thing back in December. She passed down some of the things that were given to her that she didn't use with her little boy. I was able to wrap Delaney in a sweet little sleeping bag style thing with a hood and also lay her on a tiny blanket while I rested with her on my chest. Again, I just felt so peaceful to have her body there with me. She stayed in the room while we slept last night. I could have let the nurses take her but it just felt right to have her with us. I'm glad she was there.
We took a few more pictures this morning before we left the hospital. Then we spent a little more time with her. When I was ready we left her there. It wasn't an easy thing to do by any means, but it was not as heart wrenching as I feared it would be. It may be that those feelings will come. I think they will. But we were okay. She's okay. We are all being taken care of. Our spirits are in good hands. As hard as this is and will be, and as much as I would be thrilled to watch her body be alive and run around our house and drive me crazy like the other kids, this is an experience that I wouldn't trade. It is purifying for our whole family. Unifying and purifying. The Lord knows what is best. We are an eternal family. And now we have one more reason to live up to that standard. One more reason to keep our covenants and do our best. We will be better in the end because of our perfect girl.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
As Reality Sets In
Please, as you read these blog posts, do not think that I think I'm the only one who has ever suffered. I know I'm not alone. But its the first time I've suffered like this, so its new to me. I invite you to read and share this with me, but please don't misunderstand my very personal feelings.
Yesterday was strange. Today was weird.
We'll start with yesterday. I cried twice. For about 10 seconds each time. I wanted to cry more. I sat down and just relaxed because I felt like I needed to cry. Crying isn't usually hard for me. Like, ever. Usually its my first reaction to everything... almost. I cry easily. Yesterday I couldn't. All I could figure was that this is what people are talking about when they say they feel numb. My sweet friend Liz brought me flowers and took me to lunch. I enjoyed that time with her. She's a heaven sent friend for sure. Always has been. By then end of the day I had accomplished what I had intended to do for the day... although I'm not sure if I could tell you what it was that I did. But I went to bed exhausted, still wanting but not being able to cry. Strange.
So today... Weird. I took the kids to swimming lessons and my friend that we go with noticed immediately that I was quieter today. Yep. Me, quiet. Hold your applause. I had already cried more by 10am today that I did all day yesterday. But swimming lessons are fun. We get in the water with our little girls and splash and blow bubbles and giggle. I'm so glad I've have that to look forward to this week. I didn't want to go very badly this morning, but I'm glad I did. It helps to at least get me smiling for a little while. Another friend took my kids for the afternoon and it was nice to have some quiet time today. It was needed. My afternoon was a little emotional. One minute I think I'm coping and processing thru all of these emotions and feelings, but the next minute I'm in fetal position sobbing.
Usually when I cry, I can put words with it. I can describe how I'm feeling. It takes some time for me to gather my thoughts, but I have them. Today I've just been sad. I mean, of course, no one would really wonder why, but I can't describe it either. I can't put words to the pain. I can't explain to myself what I'm feeling.
I wanted this baby. I was looking forward to figuring out how we would fit this kid into our house. We have room. That's not the issue. I just have a lot of crap. My kids have a lot of crap. Jeremy... well, Jeremy has the garage. And we wouldn't put a baby there, so I guess he's off the hook. This time. I was so excited for Tuesday, when we would know if it was a boy or girl and we could get rid of all the "other" clothes stored in bins all over the house. I may even be creeping into Jeremy's precious garage space with the clothes bins. Its possible. But he's a good sport.
So in my efforts to start making room for this baby I had begun nesting earlier than I ever thought possible. I talked to my friend, Megan, about that. We talked about how, really, it makes sense to be nesting early on. My body was reorganizing. It was trying to find new places for my other organs while making room for a growing baby. My brain wanted to do the same. Move, organize, make room. I pulled some stuff out of the closet that I've never used and sold a few things a little bit ago. I used that freed-up space to put boxes of toys that my kids haven't used in a while but that I don't want to part with yet cause I will have another one that will. I didn't really get a LOT done, but it felt good to be doing something. I was so excited to be doing something to get ready for my baby.
I'm doing different things to get ready for the baby now. I'm making arrangements to have a photographer come to the hospital since that's the only time we'll ever have with our baby in this mortal life. I'm worrying about how I will respond and feel when I see that little body. Will it be formed correctly? There are so many questions. Most of them I'm not ready to write down here. I am not worried about the delivery. I'm worried about what will happen next. And I'm scared to death to leave that hospital. To leave them to "dispose" of my child's body's remains. But then I realize it is just the body. I will see my baby again. I'm not abandoning him or her. Because really, he or she is in the best hands possible. With God. Doing things that He needs. And preparing to strengthen and assist our little family from the other side. I can do this. And that's the only reason why. Because of my faith in eternity. I'm grateful for the faith I've been blessed with.
I want so badly to know what our baby's gender is so I can stop referring to it as IT. I want to call it HER. I really think its a girl. As much as I believed something was wrong before we went to the doctor on Tuesday, I believe its a girl. But I've been wrong every time I've said those words out loud. "I feel like its a girl" always gets me a boy. So we'll see.
Today I realized that I'm not really in "organizing" mode anymore. I'm in purge mode. Interestingly, and I realize its a little morbid, all I want to do is throw things away. Get rid of things that I don't need. My brain is, again, trying to make sense of what my body is doing. I need this baby out. I need to move forward. I will grieve and I will cry but I can't take one more step towards healing until my body is in a state of balance. Its amazing how a mind, body and soul can be in such harmony that things like this manifest so uniformly. Its been good for my house though. I got rid of stuff that I've kept for no reason for way too long. I'm far from an episode of Hoarders but I'm a bit of a pack rat. Especially things with ANY sentimental value. Like, if my mom buys my kids a happy meal at McDonalds. Yeah, I think twice before tossing those toys once they've seen their day. I could afford to be a little less sappy. Really.
I think there is a lot more that I had wanted to write tonight but I've lost my ability to think. Its possible that I'm a little tired. And that I just want to curl up and hug my husband. Oh, my sweet husband. I've never felt so loved . I have seen him as he watches me suffer and I know how deeply he loves me because I can see it in his eyes. I can see it so clearly. I'm so eternally grateful to have him to hold thru this and all of our joys and pains.
I've never been so blessed by being able express myself in writing. Its been helpful to get these things down on "paper".
Thank you all for your kind, loving words and prayers. I feel and appreciate them.
Yesterday was strange. Today was weird.
We'll start with yesterday. I cried twice. For about 10 seconds each time. I wanted to cry more. I sat down and just relaxed because I felt like I needed to cry. Crying isn't usually hard for me. Like, ever. Usually its my first reaction to everything... almost. I cry easily. Yesterday I couldn't. All I could figure was that this is what people are talking about when they say they feel numb. My sweet friend Liz brought me flowers and took me to lunch. I enjoyed that time with her. She's a heaven sent friend for sure. Always has been. By then end of the day I had accomplished what I had intended to do for the day... although I'm not sure if I could tell you what it was that I did. But I went to bed exhausted, still wanting but not being able to cry. Strange.
So today... Weird. I took the kids to swimming lessons and my friend that we go with noticed immediately that I was quieter today. Yep. Me, quiet. Hold your applause. I had already cried more by 10am today that I did all day yesterday. But swimming lessons are fun. We get in the water with our little girls and splash and blow bubbles and giggle. I'm so glad I've have that to look forward to this week. I didn't want to go very badly this morning, but I'm glad I did. It helps to at least get me smiling for a little while. Another friend took my kids for the afternoon and it was nice to have some quiet time today. It was needed. My afternoon was a little emotional. One minute I think I'm coping and processing thru all of these emotions and feelings, but the next minute I'm in fetal position sobbing.
Usually when I cry, I can put words with it. I can describe how I'm feeling. It takes some time for me to gather my thoughts, but I have them. Today I've just been sad. I mean, of course, no one would really wonder why, but I can't describe it either. I can't put words to the pain. I can't explain to myself what I'm feeling.
I wanted this baby. I was looking forward to figuring out how we would fit this kid into our house. We have room. That's not the issue. I just have a lot of crap. My kids have a lot of crap. Jeremy... well, Jeremy has the garage. And we wouldn't put a baby there, so I guess he's off the hook. This time. I was so excited for Tuesday, when we would know if it was a boy or girl and we could get rid of all the "other" clothes stored in bins all over the house. I may even be creeping into Jeremy's precious garage space with the clothes bins. Its possible. But he's a good sport.
So in my efforts to start making room for this baby I had begun nesting earlier than I ever thought possible. I talked to my friend, Megan, about that. We talked about how, really, it makes sense to be nesting early on. My body was reorganizing. It was trying to find new places for my other organs while making room for a growing baby. My brain wanted to do the same. Move, organize, make room. I pulled some stuff out of the closet that I've never used and sold a few things a little bit ago. I used that freed-up space to put boxes of toys that my kids haven't used in a while but that I don't want to part with yet cause I will have another one that will. I didn't really get a LOT done, but it felt good to be doing something. I was so excited to be doing something to get ready for my baby.
I'm doing different things to get ready for the baby now. I'm making arrangements to have a photographer come to the hospital since that's the only time we'll ever have with our baby in this mortal life. I'm worrying about how I will respond and feel when I see that little body. Will it be formed correctly? There are so many questions. Most of them I'm not ready to write down here. I am not worried about the delivery. I'm worried about what will happen next. And I'm scared to death to leave that hospital. To leave them to "dispose" of my child's body's remains. But then I realize it is just the body. I will see my baby again. I'm not abandoning him or her. Because really, he or she is in the best hands possible. With God. Doing things that He needs. And preparing to strengthen and assist our little family from the other side. I can do this. And that's the only reason why. Because of my faith in eternity. I'm grateful for the faith I've been blessed with.
I want so badly to know what our baby's gender is so I can stop referring to it as IT. I want to call it HER. I really think its a girl. As much as I believed something was wrong before we went to the doctor on Tuesday, I believe its a girl. But I've been wrong every time I've said those words out loud. "I feel like its a girl" always gets me a boy. So we'll see.
Today I realized that I'm not really in "organizing" mode anymore. I'm in purge mode. Interestingly, and I realize its a little morbid, all I want to do is throw things away. Get rid of things that I don't need. My brain is, again, trying to make sense of what my body is doing. I need this baby out. I need to move forward. I will grieve and I will cry but I can't take one more step towards healing until my body is in a state of balance. Its amazing how a mind, body and soul can be in such harmony that things like this manifest so uniformly. Its been good for my house though. I got rid of stuff that I've kept for no reason for way too long. I'm far from an episode of Hoarders but I'm a bit of a pack rat. Especially things with ANY sentimental value. Like, if my mom buys my kids a happy meal at McDonalds. Yeah, I think twice before tossing those toys once they've seen their day. I could afford to be a little less sappy. Really.
I think there is a lot more that I had wanted to write tonight but I've lost my ability to think. Its possible that I'm a little tired. And that I just want to curl up and hug my husband. Oh, my sweet husband. I've never felt so loved . I have seen him as he watches me suffer and I know how deeply he loves me because I can see it in his eyes. I can see it so clearly. I'm so eternally grateful to have him to hold thru this and all of our joys and pains.
I've never been so blessed by being able express myself in writing. Its been helpful to get these things down on "paper".
Thank you all for your kind, loving words and prayers. I feel and appreciate them.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Not what we were expecting!
I really have no idea how to start writing this. I just know that even though I'm not one who typically needs to write and I don't usually even want to write, my body, mind, soul will not let me do anything else until I get some of these thoughts down. I really just want to sleep. Or cry.
We decided in October that although we weren't sure exactly when we'd start trying for a baby, that it was time to remove my IUD so that we had control of things. In December Jeremy and I thought we might be pregnant but when the test was negative we knew it was time to start trying. Remember the Friends episode when Phoebe lies to Rachel about her test result?... Once you know the result, you really know what you wanted the result to be. Jeremy takes everything in stride. But I knew then that I wanted to really try. January's test was positive. We are SO blessed that way. Infertility has never been one of our trials. For that I am so very very grateful. And I truly recognize that being able to conceive is such a wonderful gift I've been given.
Okay, so, its January. Well, I guess I found out the first week or so in February. I was just over 3 weeks along. Jeremy was out of town. So I waited for the next 3 days to tell him because I just didn't want to do it over the phone. That seemed like forever! I was so glad when he walked in the door!
But here we were, broke, with a 5 passenger vehicle and already 5 family members, no job and pregnant. What would people say? What were we really thinking? Well, we felt so strongly that Heavenly Father was ready to send us another little one, that's what we were thinking. We knew it was the right thing. We KNOW it was the right thing. But you can't just go around saying that. I really didn't know how to tell people. I didn't want to be questioned on if it was the right thing or not. And it was SO early. We had two miscarriages between our boys. We knew we'd wait a little while to make our big announcement. But the weeks went on and I would get excited and then decide it wasn't time yet. We spent more time with our extended families in those first 12 weeks than we usually do all year. There was a wedding, then a funeral, then another wedding. Lots of travel, lots of keeping my mouth shut. At times I wanted to blurt it out and other times I was so glad that I didn't have everyone around me asking me how I felt. And I felt just fine - I'm one of the few who doesn't suffer at all from morning sickness. Another HUGE blessing that I'm well aware I've been given. I've been pregnant 6 times and I threw up maybe twice during all my pregnancies. And those 2 times were explainable for reasons other than pregnancy. I am OH, SO grateful for my body handling the hormones the way it does. (I'll let Jeremy speak for himself on how my brain handles them! Haha!) This pregnancy has been a breeze.
I've recognized my rambling. I'll get to the point. Maybe.
We had our second ultrasound of this pregnancy today. We were so excited to find out if it was a boy or a girl. The kids came with us. We could hardly wait. The kids all want a sister. Zack especially. He ADORES Chloe. He is her knight in shining armor and she tells me all the time that she's going to "get married to her Zack-o tack-o in the temple". He takes good care of his little sister. Aiden, being logical, wants a sister since we only have one girl and two boys in the family. It is unbalanced and he needs a little more order to things ;) Chloe, not having a sister, naturally wants one!
Zack came in my room early this morning and asked when we get to go to the doctor to see "if the baby is a sister". He was dressed and eating breakfast by 7:15am. He's my earliest riser but he was seriously more excited for the ultrasound than he was for his first swimming lesson of the summer later on this morning.
Everyone else eventually crawled out of bed and we rushed to get out the door by 8:30. And I chugged my 32 oz. of water on the way there. I should have had that done by about 8:00. Oops :) I love my doctors office. I've only had two appointments at this location, but they get me in and outta there in such a timely manner. I once waited an HOUR past my scheduled time for an ultrasound. I had to pee SOOOO bad by the time they would let me! Not at this office.
So we all go to the ultrasound room and the kids get in their seats. I get on the table and we all start waiting to see this baby's 'parts'. The ultrasound tech spoke English well but it was clearly not her first language. She seemed a little short with me. I asked if we could look for gender and she quickly announced that she couldn't tell. What did she think we brought the kids for? To see how big the kid's head was? Couldn't she check again? Couldn't she twist that little wand in a different direction? What the?? And then she was done. Just like that. Shortest, strangest ultrasound EVER! We were escorted back to the waiting room. I told Jeremy I was concerned. It just wasn't normal. Soon we were back in an exam room. My thoughts were racing. Why did that seem so strange? Is this ultrasound tech new? Did she really get all the measurements she needed? I remember my other kids taking a lot longer to measure than this time. I had all these thoughts adding up in my head. I was getting really concerned. They didn't give me pictures. Why the heck not? Should I complain?
The nurse took my blood pressure. Then left the room. She didn't do the doppler to hear the heartbeat. I still haven't heard the heart beat. Wait... the ultrasound tech didn't do the typical heartbeat measurement. I didn't even hear it coming from the machine. That's when I knew but I didn't want to scare the kids and I didn't want to be crying before the doctor even came in. But I KNEW this was not what I had hoped for today.
Laura, our amazing, sweet, wonderful doctor came in somber (as I expected). She asked how we were doing. I said "I'm not okay. What's going on?" I'm sure she knew that I knew. She put it as gently as she could. "I reviewed the ultrasound and it looks like your baby has passed away." I started crying and then explained to the kids what that meant. Aiden burst into tears and Zack followed. Sweet Chloe was worried about me. She didn't really get it yet. We talked for a second with the kids, then with Laura and then took one more look in the ultrasound room. Sure enough, no heartbeat.
We went back to the exam room and talked for a while about what happens next.
It seems like I should JUST be sad today. I "think" I should be sobbing and sleeping and catatonic. Thankfully I'm not. I have some things that I'm grateful for. Of course, I would rather not have these things to be grateful for. I'd RATHER have a healthy baby in me. I'd rather be telling the world that we are having that long awaited SISTER!!! That my kids are already calling her by name and kissing my tummy. But in the midst of pain and heartache we have to find things to be grateful for. If not, we will always be miserable. And shame on any of us who don't recognize the Lord's gentle mercies amid the darkness. I am certainly at fault for this often but I do have things to be grateful for today.
First and foremost is that I will not be a big fat pregnant person waddling her way thru the Arizona summer. What kind of crazy person PLANS to have an October baby? In Arizona! It's not all its cracked up to be. 115* is hot enough when you are skinny and full of energy. Fat and full of a baby is not for summer. Its a sport that's just better suited for the winter olympics.
Second, is that I have had 3 c-sections. I've desperately wanted to have a vaginal delivery. I know that to you it may seem strange, but even under the circumstances, I am so grateful to be able to have this baby delivered that way. For me its some kind womanly rite of passage. And I've craved it for many years. I'm also SOOO grateful that I don't have to have it by c-section.
The third thing I'm grateful for is that my doctor said that in no way does this mean we can't have another baby. We were pretty sure #4 was it for my body. I'm glad I can still have a living #4 at some point.
I haven't talked to anyone about this much yet. I told one friend because I went straight from the Dr's office to swim lessons with the kids. Her kids and mine are in lessons together. I'm glad it was her. I had talked to my mom, Jeremy had talked to his mom, and that was it. Michelle was so sweet. She's taken my kids for the afternoon and is bringing dinner to us. I will get to a point where I can tell people. Probably in the next day or so. I feel the same as I did before making our announcement in a lot of ways. I want to blurt it out, but I don't want the "how are you doing?" questions that well intending people ask. I ask the same questions! Its not a bad thing, just I don't want to answer! Not yet anyway.
But for the record, I'm doing ok. Not great. I haven't gotten out of bed in 2 hours. And its 3:00 in the afternoon. I'm sad. I have a dead baby inside of me. It's a horrible thing to know. Guys think it would be weird to have a living baby inside of them. That is the most wonderful, amazing things I've ever experienced. I LOVE IT! If I could be in a state of second trimester glory all my life, I might accept the offer. A baby moving inside of me is precious and sacred to me. I actually felt this little person moving earlier than I have felt any of my other babies. I was just past 16 weeks when I felt it squirm for the first time. I know that it was a gift from Heavenly Father. Something telling me it was in there and it was a little person who I already loved. Add that to my list of things I'm truly grateful for today. I didn't feel it move, of course, for the last week but I didn't think it was odd until this morning when I was getting ready for the appointment. That was one of my earlier twinges of concern. I briefly thought "I wonder why I haven't felt anything for a while". But I dismissed it cause I'm still early and I've been busy enough to just not have noticed.
When I had my first miscarriage, around the time Aiden was 6 months old, I felt oddly unattached and indifferent to that pregnancy, even though it was one we had planned. When we found out that Chloe had a cyst on her lung, I had had feelings of concern leading up to that ultrasound too. I've had little concerns, unfounded -or so I thought, that this baby might not be okay. For a couple of weeks, I guess. I have been prepared, although I fought all of those feelings and worries because I think I worry too much, for each of our little bumps in the road regarding pregnancies. I always recognize those feelings better in hindsight. I'm grateful for those tender mercies because even though I don't let the worries overwhelm me, they do help me prepare for what is coming.
Heavenly Father really is aware of me and helps me to handle and cope with the challenges that he sees fit to put in my path. This experience will be a learning and growing one for our kids too. I don't know if we will give this baby a name or not, but we have been able to talk about eternal families today and remind the kids that we can see this baby someday. Its good for me to bear my testimony of that to them. It helps remind me of the Lord's plan and the eternal perspective that I need. I'm grateful for my trials. I'm blessed. I know that. This is hard, but I can handle it. I have 3 healthy little kids who are just perfect and an amazing husband who lets me sob on his shoulder. Life is pretty good.
We decided in October that although we weren't sure exactly when we'd start trying for a baby, that it was time to remove my IUD so that we had control of things. In December Jeremy and I thought we might be pregnant but when the test was negative we knew it was time to start trying. Remember the Friends episode when Phoebe lies to Rachel about her test result?... Once you know the result, you really know what you wanted the result to be. Jeremy takes everything in stride. But I knew then that I wanted to really try. January's test was positive. We are SO blessed that way. Infertility has never been one of our trials. For that I am so very very grateful. And I truly recognize that being able to conceive is such a wonderful gift I've been given.
Okay, so, its January. Well, I guess I found out the first week or so in February. I was just over 3 weeks along. Jeremy was out of town. So I waited for the next 3 days to tell him because I just didn't want to do it over the phone. That seemed like forever! I was so glad when he walked in the door!
But here we were, broke, with a 5 passenger vehicle and already 5 family members, no job and pregnant. What would people say? What were we really thinking? Well, we felt so strongly that Heavenly Father was ready to send us another little one, that's what we were thinking. We knew it was the right thing. We KNOW it was the right thing. But you can't just go around saying that. I really didn't know how to tell people. I didn't want to be questioned on if it was the right thing or not. And it was SO early. We had two miscarriages between our boys. We knew we'd wait a little while to make our big announcement. But the weeks went on and I would get excited and then decide it wasn't time yet. We spent more time with our extended families in those first 12 weeks than we usually do all year. There was a wedding, then a funeral, then another wedding. Lots of travel, lots of keeping my mouth shut. At times I wanted to blurt it out and other times I was so glad that I didn't have everyone around me asking me how I felt. And I felt just fine - I'm one of the few who doesn't suffer at all from morning sickness. Another HUGE blessing that I'm well aware I've been given. I've been pregnant 6 times and I threw up maybe twice during all my pregnancies. And those 2 times were explainable for reasons other than pregnancy. I am OH, SO grateful for my body handling the hormones the way it does. (I'll let Jeremy speak for himself on how my brain handles them! Haha!) This pregnancy has been a breeze.
I've recognized my rambling. I'll get to the point. Maybe.
We had our second ultrasound of this pregnancy today. We were so excited to find out if it was a boy or a girl. The kids came with us. We could hardly wait. The kids all want a sister. Zack especially. He ADORES Chloe. He is her knight in shining armor and she tells me all the time that she's going to "get married to her Zack-o tack-o in the temple". He takes good care of his little sister. Aiden, being logical, wants a sister since we only have one girl and two boys in the family. It is unbalanced and he needs a little more order to things ;) Chloe, not having a sister, naturally wants one!
Zack came in my room early this morning and asked when we get to go to the doctor to see "if the baby is a sister". He was dressed and eating breakfast by 7:15am. He's my earliest riser but he was seriously more excited for the ultrasound than he was for his first swimming lesson of the summer later on this morning.
Everyone else eventually crawled out of bed and we rushed to get out the door by 8:30. And I chugged my 32 oz. of water on the way there. I should have had that done by about 8:00. Oops :) I love my doctors office. I've only had two appointments at this location, but they get me in and outta there in such a timely manner. I once waited an HOUR past my scheduled time for an ultrasound. I had to pee SOOOO bad by the time they would let me! Not at this office.
So we all go to the ultrasound room and the kids get in their seats. I get on the table and we all start waiting to see this baby's 'parts'. The ultrasound tech spoke English well but it was clearly not her first language. She seemed a little short with me. I asked if we could look for gender and she quickly announced that she couldn't tell. What did she think we brought the kids for? To see how big the kid's head was? Couldn't she check again? Couldn't she twist that little wand in a different direction? What the?? And then she was done. Just like that. Shortest, strangest ultrasound EVER! We were escorted back to the waiting room. I told Jeremy I was concerned. It just wasn't normal. Soon we were back in an exam room. My thoughts were racing. Why did that seem so strange? Is this ultrasound tech new? Did she really get all the measurements she needed? I remember my other kids taking a lot longer to measure than this time. I had all these thoughts adding up in my head. I was getting really concerned. They didn't give me pictures. Why the heck not? Should I complain?
The nurse took my blood pressure. Then left the room. She didn't do the doppler to hear the heartbeat. I still haven't heard the heart beat. Wait... the ultrasound tech didn't do the typical heartbeat measurement. I didn't even hear it coming from the machine. That's when I knew but I didn't want to scare the kids and I didn't want to be crying before the doctor even came in. But I KNEW this was not what I had hoped for today.
Laura, our amazing, sweet, wonderful doctor came in somber (as I expected). She asked how we were doing. I said "I'm not okay. What's going on?" I'm sure she knew that I knew. She put it as gently as she could. "I reviewed the ultrasound and it looks like your baby has passed away." I started crying and then explained to the kids what that meant. Aiden burst into tears and Zack followed. Sweet Chloe was worried about me. She didn't really get it yet. We talked for a second with the kids, then with Laura and then took one more look in the ultrasound room. Sure enough, no heartbeat.
We went back to the exam room and talked for a while about what happens next.
It seems like I should JUST be sad today. I "think" I should be sobbing and sleeping and catatonic. Thankfully I'm not. I have some things that I'm grateful for. Of course, I would rather not have these things to be grateful for. I'd RATHER have a healthy baby in me. I'd rather be telling the world that we are having that long awaited SISTER!!! That my kids are already calling her by name and kissing my tummy. But in the midst of pain and heartache we have to find things to be grateful for. If not, we will always be miserable. And shame on any of us who don't recognize the Lord's gentle mercies amid the darkness. I am certainly at fault for this often but I do have things to be grateful for today.
First and foremost is that I will not be a big fat pregnant person waddling her way thru the Arizona summer. What kind of crazy person PLANS to have an October baby? In Arizona! It's not all its cracked up to be. 115* is hot enough when you are skinny and full of energy. Fat and full of a baby is not for summer. Its a sport that's just better suited for the winter olympics.
Second, is that I have had 3 c-sections. I've desperately wanted to have a vaginal delivery. I know that to you it may seem strange, but even under the circumstances, I am so grateful to be able to have this baby delivered that way. For me its some kind womanly rite of passage. And I've craved it for many years. I'm also SOOO grateful that I don't have to have it by c-section.
The third thing I'm grateful for is that my doctor said that in no way does this mean we can't have another baby. We were pretty sure #4 was it for my body. I'm glad I can still have a living #4 at some point.
I haven't talked to anyone about this much yet. I told one friend because I went straight from the Dr's office to swim lessons with the kids. Her kids and mine are in lessons together. I'm glad it was her. I had talked to my mom, Jeremy had talked to his mom, and that was it. Michelle was so sweet. She's taken my kids for the afternoon and is bringing dinner to us. I will get to a point where I can tell people. Probably in the next day or so. I feel the same as I did before making our announcement in a lot of ways. I want to blurt it out, but I don't want the "how are you doing?" questions that well intending people ask. I ask the same questions! Its not a bad thing, just I don't want to answer! Not yet anyway.
But for the record, I'm doing ok. Not great. I haven't gotten out of bed in 2 hours. And its 3:00 in the afternoon. I'm sad. I have a dead baby inside of me. It's a horrible thing to know. Guys think it would be weird to have a living baby inside of them. That is the most wonderful, amazing things I've ever experienced. I LOVE IT! If I could be in a state of second trimester glory all my life, I might accept the offer. A baby moving inside of me is precious and sacred to me. I actually felt this little person moving earlier than I have felt any of my other babies. I was just past 16 weeks when I felt it squirm for the first time. I know that it was a gift from Heavenly Father. Something telling me it was in there and it was a little person who I already loved. Add that to my list of things I'm truly grateful for today. I didn't feel it move, of course, for the last week but I didn't think it was odd until this morning when I was getting ready for the appointment. That was one of my earlier twinges of concern. I briefly thought "I wonder why I haven't felt anything for a while". But I dismissed it cause I'm still early and I've been busy enough to just not have noticed.
When I had my first miscarriage, around the time Aiden was 6 months old, I felt oddly unattached and indifferent to that pregnancy, even though it was one we had planned. When we found out that Chloe had a cyst on her lung, I had had feelings of concern leading up to that ultrasound too. I've had little concerns, unfounded -or so I thought, that this baby might not be okay. For a couple of weeks, I guess. I have been prepared, although I fought all of those feelings and worries because I think I worry too much, for each of our little bumps in the road regarding pregnancies. I always recognize those feelings better in hindsight. I'm grateful for those tender mercies because even though I don't let the worries overwhelm me, they do help me prepare for what is coming.
Heavenly Father really is aware of me and helps me to handle and cope with the challenges that he sees fit to put in my path. This experience will be a learning and growing one for our kids too. I don't know if we will give this baby a name or not, but we have been able to talk about eternal families today and remind the kids that we can see this baby someday. Its good for me to bear my testimony of that to them. It helps remind me of the Lord's plan and the eternal perspective that I need. I'm grateful for my trials. I'm blessed. I know that. This is hard, but I can handle it. I have 3 healthy little kids who are just perfect and an amazing husband who lets me sob on his shoulder. Life is pretty good.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Potty training is not for woosies
Chloe's parent-inflicted New Years resolution was to kiss those bulky nasty diapers goodbye and become a "big girl"! We tossed the diapers in the trash on Monday morning (and then I dug them out and hid them on Monday afternoon!!) and put on big girl panties. We haven't looked back! Not even once. Not even after loads and loads of laundry and carpet clean up and nastiness. Okay, maybe I look back every single time she doesn't get to the potty in time. But then I look forward again. This time is IT! We tried earlier this summer and discovered that she wasn't willing or ready. But now she is so I have to be.
Today she told me a dozen times "I need to go potty! Hurry!!" So off we would run to the toilet, tear down the undies, plop her on the seat and wait. She would TOOT and say "I done!" That's right folks! I'm so good at potty training that my kid TOOTS on the toilet! And she panics if she toots in her undies. But we are still working on #1 & #2. Hmmm :/
She keeps us on our toes! That's for sure!
Today she told me a dozen times "I need to go potty! Hurry!!" So off we would run to the toilet, tear down the undies, plop her on the seat and wait. She would TOOT and say "I done!" That's right folks! I'm so good at potty training that my kid TOOTS on the toilet! And she panics if she toots in her undies. But we are still working on #1 & #2. Hmmm :/
She keeps us on our toes! That's for sure!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!
We have had a wonderful holiday season! I hope you have too.
Jeremy's family was here for 5 days over Christmas and we enjoyed their company very much. I spent the week before they arrived cleaning and baking and getting ready for a bigger-than-I'm-used-to holiday dinner. I worked hard but I enjoyed it and even managed to keep the kitchen clean in between bursts of kitchen creativity.
The kids had a blast having grandma & grandpa Benson and Candy & Nick here. Always someone to tickle them, read to them or help get them ready for the day. They made a pretty good haul for Christmas too. A bike for Chloe, a camera for Zack, more GeoTrax for Aiden and the list goes on. Jeremy got a new toy (tool) for his garage and I got a laptop (new to me!) from my computer wiz husband who refurbed it for me.
And now you know why I've recommitted myself to the blog. Not ready to call it a resolution... but maybe I'll keep it up all year long!
I will post again soon but I'd better help the kids get ready for bed tonight!
Jeremy's family was here for 5 days over Christmas and we enjoyed their company very much. I spent the week before they arrived cleaning and baking and getting ready for a bigger-than-I'm-used-to holiday dinner. I worked hard but I enjoyed it and even managed to keep the kitchen clean in between bursts of kitchen creativity.
The kids had a blast having grandma & grandpa Benson and Candy & Nick here. Always someone to tickle them, read to them or help get them ready for the day. They made a pretty good haul for Christmas too. A bike for Chloe, a camera for Zack, more GeoTrax for Aiden and the list goes on. Jeremy got a new toy (tool) for his garage and I got a laptop (new to me!) from my computer wiz husband who refurbed it for me.
And now you know why I've recommitted myself to the blog. Not ready to call it a resolution... but maybe I'll keep it up all year long!
I will post again soon but I'd better help the kids get ready for bed tonight!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
I'd rather cook for 2
I can't tell you the number of times the kids and I have had pizza for dinner since Jeremy has been working in Vegas. No, really I can't... I'd be sooo embarrassed! Turns out I cook a lot more to please my husband than I realized. I try to mix things up so he doesn't get bored with my menus. I'm not very good at it. I mean, I still only have like a weeks worth of recipes that I use often. But the variety has been a lot more limited than that lately. I cater to my kids (I know, HORRIBLE idea) at almost every meal. And they like pizza. They also like "chicken" nuggets. They aren't picky with the chicken. McDonald's, BK, frozen shapes... they like it all. As long as its smothered in ranch dressing, of course. Chloe licks it right off the plate. True story. We do lots of mac n cheese. Not the delish, from-scratch kind. Just the blue box, baby! Other than the pizza, none of it is anything I like. I'd rather cook for 2 people who are willing to try something new than for 3 little ones who like 4 things!
So today I forced myself to get away from my sewing machine a little earlier than normal and actually put a bit more effort into dinner tonight. And yes, I'm prepared for the "I don't like it" comments. I'm also prepared to enjoy the meal! It's a simple one. Just some shredded chicken, salsa & cream cheese (hey, I didn't say it was super healthy, just yummy!) all wrapped up in crescent rolls. It's one of Jeremy's favorites and one that I don't even put on the weekly rotation usually.
I promise I'll make it for him when he's home to stay again. That and some homemade mac & cheese.
I'm not quite sure what the point of this post was supposed to be, other than a big pat on the back for myself. Since I haven't cooked "real" dinner in like 2 months, I guess I deserve a 'way to go' tonight.
Oh, and the kids ate it better than I had expected!
So today I forced myself to get away from my sewing machine a little earlier than normal and actually put a bit more effort into dinner tonight. And yes, I'm prepared for the "I don't like it" comments. I'm also prepared to enjoy the meal! It's a simple one. Just some shredded chicken, salsa & cream cheese (hey, I didn't say it was super healthy, just yummy!) all wrapped up in crescent rolls. It's one of Jeremy's favorites and one that I don't even put on the weekly rotation usually.
I promise I'll make it for him when he's home to stay again. That and some homemade mac & cheese.
I'm not quite sure what the point of this post was supposed to be, other than a big pat on the back for myself. Since I haven't cooked "real" dinner in like 2 months, I guess I deserve a 'way to go' tonight.
Oh, and the kids ate it better than I had expected!
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