Changing Names

There is good news in our home!  It looks like we are going to be able to adopt the sweet little boy we've had in our home since January of this year!  Both his parents state they are willing to relinquish their parental rights so that we can adopt him.  We are beyond excited!

While we love our little boy to the extreme--we really weren't loving his name (which I still cannot mention online--lots of rules!).  We really wanted to change it but were afraid of doing psychological damage of some sort because he is a little older (he turned three last week).  We talked to a lot of professionals and decided to go for it.  For the last month or so we've been calling him Luke--and we plan on making it official at adoption.

We sat down with him and told him the "exciting" news that he was going to get a new name.  We let him choose from about four names and Luke was the one he picked.  At first he was called by his old name probably 80% of the time.  But gradually calling him Luke became the norm.  We were ready to tell family and friends about the new name--that is still a work in progress.  He is still called by his old name much of the time but I think it is a good, gradual change for everyone.  If you ask him his name, half the time he'll say his old name and half the time he'll say his new name.  Of course we don't ever correct him about using his old name--we'll just let it change naturally.  It actually wasn't as hard as we thought it would be and he seems totally fine with it.

So now we have our Luke, Lukey Luke, Lukey Dukey, Lukesy--if there is a derivative of the name Luke, he's most likely been called it.  There are no dates of actual finalization but it will hopefully be before the year is out.  Watch out--once the adoption is finalized I'll have a long time worth of pictures to post:)

Staring at my Baby

I've heard moms tell me they spend hours just staring at their babies.  I do the same thing.  I love holding and rocking my baby while she falls asleep.  And then I indulge in staring at her for awhile. I think about how beautiful she is and how long and curly her eyelashes are. I stare at her face and wonder what her biological parents look like.  I wonder what she will look like as she  gets older.  I wonder if I will get to know what she looks like when she gets older.

Then I spend time thinking about what her life would have been like if she had stayed with her mother.  What would she be wearing?  Would she be healthy?  Would she be happy?  I wonder what she would smell, see and hear all day.  I feel so grateful she is in my care and I vow to be a better mother than before. 

As I stare at her I think about what is in store for her.  Will she stay with me?  Will she be placed with her father or with relatives?  What kind of life is she going to have?  Is she going to be loved, cared for, and happy?  And then I pray and pray she will stay with me and with my family.

A friend of mine who has adopted children out of foster care told me that a foster parent has to have "a heart of gold and a heart of stone."  You have to love the children in your care like they are your own, but then you also have to handle the possibility they will leave you.  I wonder if I am cut out for this--I can't imagine having my baby leave me.  But then I think--this is the risk I have to take.  And I vow to give her all the love and security  I can while she is in my care.  And then keep praying she is in my care forever.

Visitation

One of the most stressful parts of being a foster parent is visitation between your foster children and their parents.  Now don't get me wrong, I am all for visitation.  I believe it is a right for the parent and for the child.  But, oh, does it come with stress.

First off, small kids obviously have a hard time verbalizing their feelings about really complicated issues (like being in foster care).  After visits my two year old is hyper--really hyper.  Super clingy.  Extra-naughty.  Really whiny.  If his mother doesn't come to a visit--guess what?  He's super hyper, clingy, naughty and whiny.  It's the classic Catch 22, no?  My two year old's mother has not come to a visit in about a month.  The difficult behavior comes in waves as he realizes he hasn't seen his mother in a while.  Stressful?  You bet.

My baby goes to regular visits with her father.  The visits are always during her nap time.  She always comes home tired, whiny, clingy and cranky (sound familiar?). 

One fateful day the kids both came home from a visit at the same time.  It was pandemonium. 

The hardest part is having sweet children you love and care for away from you for a few hours.  It wouldn't be so bad except what happens at visits is confidential.  I don't get to know how they behaved.  I don't get to know what they talked about or what they played.  I don't get to know if it was a positive experience.  I just know they go.

If all this is difficult for me--it must be a million more times difficult for the little ones.

Shall I write about something happy?  I think I should.

It's warming up and we've been going outside. We had Nutella and graham crackers for a snack this afternoon.  I'm pumped to be able to assemble my first Easter baskets later this month.  I watched the movie Tangled while I ran on the treadmill this week--I thought it was adorable.

There, I've ended on a positive note:)

Mommy Evolution

• I'm still here.
• I still have my two sweet little foster kids.
• Unfortunately, I do not have any further news on whether adoption is in our future.
• I really wish we did.
• Baby sleeps through the night--hooray!  Toddler still takes naps--double hooray!
• I am frequently puked on, drooled on, and have noses wiped on my shoulder.  I change mass amounts of diapers a day--and I don't even flinch.
• I rock side to side whenever I am sitting down.  Regardless if there is a child in my lap.
• I can recite Llama Llama Red Pajama, and countless Dr. Seuss books by heart.
• I hum "The Wheels on the Bus" and "Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam" when no one is around. 
• I make awesome Lego towers and play-dough snowmen.  
• I'm a mall playground rat. 
• I can calm little baby down when no one else can.
• Toddler frequently tells me he loves me and that I am a "good mommy."
• I love both of them like crazy.
• I'm so busy I seriously have not had time to miss work.  If I had time, I don't think I'd miss it. 
• I'm super happy.
• I wish I could post their pictures--they'd make you smile too.

By the way--I updated my recipe blog.  Jenee--it was mostly for you:)

Nap Time

It is 1:25 p.m.  My favorite time of the day.  Both kids are asleep.  That's right--both.  I still have my sweet little two month old baby girl, and two weeks ago we got a new addition--a firecracker two year old boy.  Let's just say life is a little different than it was three weeks ago.

Having a toddler who talks non-stop as a foster child has been quite a different experience.  He's old enough to verbalize some of his feelings but too young to really understand what is happening--why he is at our house and why he hasn't seen his mother in two weeks.  On the first day at our house he asked for his mother about every two minutes.  He wasn't throwing fits or tantrums, he just a simply asked where she was.  All I could answer was, "I don't know where she is.  She needs me and Kameron to take care of you for a while."  I woke up in the middle of the first night to him crying for his mommy.

As the days have gone on he asks about her less and less.  He tells me a few times a day that he misses his mommy and that he likes his mommy.  He then proceeds to tell me he misses his Santa Claus too.  There are so many emotions that go through me with this little boy.  On the one hand I have a little boy who loves his mommy and wants to be with her.  I want her to clean up her very messed-up act and be there for her son.  On the other hand, I have this sweet little boy with incredible potential.  He is very bright, very polite, and one of the happiest children I have ever met.  I want to keep him.

People ask me a lot if I know if we can adopt any of our foster children yet.  I don't mind answering because most people who ask are very sincere.  I tell people over and over that I don't know yet.  That it is way too early to tell for each of them.  And yes, it will be very difficult when they leave.  I don't really like to think about it.

One more thing.  To all you moms with small children: my respect for you has gone up 150%  Holy cow!  Taking care of two little kids is HARD.  But what an amazing work it is.

Three Phone Calls

8:45 a.m.--Call to baby's foster care worker to get an update on her case.  Baby's mother is out of the picture.  Baby's father wants custody but it most likely will not happen.  There are relatives in another state who want custody but they don't know anything about them yet.  I am hopeful  but incredibly nervous at the same time.  I get down on my knees and pray that the relatives are a no go.

9:15 a.m.  I call my supervisor and tell her I'm not coming back to work.  That's right--I quit my job.  I am going  to stay home full time and foster parent.  Both Kameron and I are at total peace with this decision.  I am rather happy and scared out my mind at the same time.

10:00 a.m.  I call social services and let them know we are ready to take another foster child.  This time a little bit older child--maybe two or three years old.  I am excited and questioning my sanity at the same time (are we seeing a trend here?).

We decided to start out 2011 with a bang!  Stay tuned...

Life Saver

If you have a baby, plan on having a baby--heck, even if you occasionally come into contact with a baby I think you should read this book.  I read it and two nights later little Gremmie (this is actually what we call her...) slept in two five hour blocks through the night.  I couldn't have been more ecstatic.  I am a big, big fan of sleep.  And, consequently, a big fan of this book.