don't know what to say, really. kinda lost my ability to give a shit about anything.
tore my ACL in march, had it reconstructed in may, i'm unable to do shit for another 6 weeks. i mean, i'm functioning, but as so used to a high degree of activity and now i'm sedentary and shiftless and useless and fat. i go to physical therapy twice a week, am endeavoring to do some clean-eating, but wtf. until i can really MOVE, i can't really DO anything.
i need to sweat, and hit things and skate.
everyone is in philly this weekend for ECE, so i'm fluffing around not doing shit. haven't been to practice to do coaching or help or anything because i'm bitter and angry.
I'm irritable. Partially because that's how I roll, but also because this stupid 6 inches of snow won't go away. It's still here. School is out today because the roads are frozen over slushy crap and buses and parents are a-sceered.
But something that just hit me is my son will be 9 tomorrow, my daughter is 7. They are fully capable of making their own breakfasts. They've done it before. Yet they sit here for an hour and then look at me and say "when are we having breakfast?" Well, whenever you get off your readily useful ass and make it, lazybones.
They have so much. They are so spoiled. We've tried to limit them, to give them a sense of responsibility, they get $2 a week in allowance, and they have to contribute to the household to get it. They have chores, they earn tickets for computer/TV/Wii time...but we're foiled at every turn.
Ben's birthday card from my mother and my grandmother came Saturday. A combined $150. What does that teach them? That money is like water and you just need to turn on the tap. $150 for a NINE year old? WTF? We will give him $20 and put the rest in his college fund, but still. How have we gone from $2 in a card to $150? There are no words. I told my mother not to do that...but she does it. She doesn't see them much, so I suppose this is her way of 'buying' their attention.
we're snowed in. it's not deep or anything, but there is a layer of ice on top and the roads aren't cleared...at least in our neighborhood. effing sleet. ruins everything. the kids have been out a few times, but we don't have great snow clothes so they get miserable really quickly.
Ben's birthday is Tuesday. He'll be 9. It really is hard to think of him as 9. Thing is, he still believes in Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy...and I hate to see him lose that innocence, but I know it's inevitable. Hope he's not mad at us for pulling the wool over his eyes for so many years.
I wake up almost every single night at 230 or 300am...and then lay there and think think think...I find myself thinking about work, about derby, about high school, about grade school, about what I want to do tomorrow...it doesn't stop. I usually fall back asleep around 5am.
When I fell back asleep last night I had some dreams. One of them, my derby team was playing Boston (our biggest rival) in some outdoor arena. During half-time I was in a house that was attached and talking to some lady and then boom, I vomited. Everywhere. I had to clean it up and by the time I got back to clean it up, the two ladies (now there were two) had cleaned up the majority, there was only the outline. They handed me a vacuum cleaner to get the last bits. It was a central vac...and I could see things suck into the walls. By the time I got back to the game, we had lost 210-104 and everyone was pissed at me for not being there.
Lately I've gotten way too dependent on rum n cokes. I love them. I used to hate them. Now I love them.
I've been pretty active on Facebook, and have reconnected with a lot of folks from 'home' and I have to say, I'm so effin different than they are. I have come to have daily 'debates' with the right wing christian conservative consortium that were my homeslices when I was young. It's kinda fun. But at the same time very very sad. I can't imagine what I'd be like if I'd stayed. Thank jebus I didn't.
Someone actually told me yesterday to capitalize jesus christ. That just made me pissy.
Anyhoo. Life is churning and burning. I'm goign to check you guys out and see wtf is going on yo.
Tryouts are tomorrow for our next batch of newbies. We're actually doing home teams this year, which is kickass...maybe. We're going to have a good season, I think. Travelling to Boston, Atlanta, Philly this year. If you're in those areas, you oughta come hang :) I sure do love iCarly
Olbermann: Gay marriage is a question of love Everyone deserves the same chance at permanence and happiness Article
Olbermann: Gay marriage is a question of love Nov. 10: In a Special Comment, Countdown’s Keith Olbermann disagrees with the passing of Proposition 8 in California and urges people to accept love between people of the same sex.
Finally tonight as promised, a Special Comment on the passage, last week, of Proposition Eight in California, which rescinded the right of same-sex couples to marry, and tilted the balance on this issue, from coast to coast.
Some parameters, as preface. This isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics, and this isn't really just about Prop-8. And I don't have a personal investment in this: I'm not gay, I had to strain to think of one member of even my very extended family who is, I have no personal stories of close friends or colleagues fighting the prejudice that still pervades their lives.
And yet to me this vote is horrible. Horrible. Because this isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics. This is about the human heart, and if that sounds corny, so be it.
If you voted for this Proposition or support those who did or the sentiment they expressed, I have some questions, because, truly, I do not understand. Why does this matter to you? What is it to you? In a time of impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, these people over here want the same chance at permanence and happiness that is your option. They don't want to deny you yours. They don't want to take anything away from you. They want what you want—a chance to be a little less alone in the world.
Only now you are saying to them—no. You can't have it on these terms. Maybe something similar. If they behave. If they don't cause too much trouble. You'll even give them all the same legal rights—even as you're taking away the legal right, which they already had. A world around them, still anchored in love and marriage, and you are saying, no, you can't marry. What if somebody passed a law that said you couldn't marry?
I keep hearing this term "re-defining" marriage. If this country hadn't re-defined marriage, black people still couldn't marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal in 1967. 1967.
The parents of the President-Elect of the United States couldn't have married in nearly one third of the states of the country their son grew up to lead. But it's worse than that. If this country had not "re-defined" marriage, some black people still couldn't marry black people. It is one of the most overlooked and cruelest parts of our sad story of slavery. Marriages were not legally recognized, if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different: not "Until Death, Do You Part," but "Until Death or Distance, Do You Part." Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized.
You know, just like marriages today in California are not legally recognized, if the people are gay.
And uncountable in our history are the number of men and women, forced by society into marrying the opposite sex, in sham marriages, or marriages of convenience, or just marriages of not knowing, centuries of men and women who have lived their lives in shame and unhappiness, and who have, through a lie to themselves or others, broken countless other lives, of spouses and children, all because we said a man couldn't marry another man, or a woman couldn't marry another woman. The sanctity of marriage.
How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the "sanctity" of marriage rather than render the term, meaningless?
What is this, to you? Nobody is asking you to embrace their expression of love. But don't you, as human beings, have to embrace... that love? The world is barren enough.
It is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us to go forward. Your marriage only stands a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much you feel and how hard you work.
And here are people overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, and that work, just for the hope of having that feeling. With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against people for no good reason, this is what your religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all its sadnesses, this is what your conscience tells you to do?
With your knowledge that life, with endless vigor, seems to tilt the playing field on which we all live, in favor of unhappiness and hate... this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honor your God and the universal love you believe he represents? Then Spread happiness—this tiny, symbolic, semantical grain of happiness—share it with all those who seek it. Quote me anything from your religious leader or book of choice telling you to stand against this. And then tell me how you can believe both that statement and another statement, another one which reads only "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
You are asked now, by your country, and perhaps by your creator, to stand on one side or another. You are asked now to stand, not on a question of politics, not on a question of religion, not on a question of gay or straight. You are asked now to stand, on a question of love. All you need do is stand, and let the tiny ember of love meet its own fate.
You don't have to help it, you don't have it applaud it, you don't have to fight for it. Just don't put it out. Just don't extinguish it. Because while it may at first look like that love is between two people you don't know and you don't understand and maybe you don't even want to know. It is, in fact, the ember of your love, for your fellow person just because this is the only world we have. And the other guy counts, too.
This is the second time in ten days I find myself concluding by turning to, of all things, the closing plea for mercy by Clarence Darrow in a murder trial.
But what he said, fits what is really at the heart of this:
"I was reading last night of the aspiration of the old Persian poet, Omar-Khayyam," he told the judge. It appealed to me as the highest that I can vision. I wish it was in my heart, and I wish it was in the hearts of all: So I be written in the Book of Love; I do not care about that Book above. Erase my name, or write it as you will, So I be written in the Book of Love."
i'm sad because i feel my friendships changing, which isn't as bad as it would have been 20 years ago, but still hard. you know that feeling you got when you realized your parents were buttholes and imperfect and the disappointment you felt? yeah, that. i tend to put folks on pedestals and think they are 'so awesome' and then realize they are humans, too. so it's my big fat fucking fault. i expect. i have expectations. bad me. and i have a hard time when people realize that about me, too...when my friends realize that i'm getting on their nerves and snap at me, or speak to me in a tone i don't like. yeah, that shit rubs me the wrong way.
so ruby is turning 6 soon. i started this journal right after she was born. anyway, she wants to do a pirate party. she wants to be the captain of said party. so she isn't inviting two of my best mommy-friends' kids, who are HER best friends...which is weird. no olivia, no maggie, so that means no kitty and no ann for me. i asked her why and she said 'well, there can only be one captain, and both of them will try to be captain because they are kinda bossy, and it's my birthday, so i want to be captain'. well, there's no arguing with that logic....but now i feel like i have to be secretive so my girlfriends don't get their feelings hurt? wtfever.
and next season in derby will be strange. many girls are retiring (shhhhhhh, those of you on my FL who I know IRDL (in real derby life) don't you say a word) so the dynamic will be odd for a while.
we're going to Nationals next week. that will be simultaneously fun and a kick in the head. hm.
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