Babbles from a Brazen Hussy — LiveJournal

12:09 pm - So yeah about that

 So my experience this past couple weeks but first some history, .
I've been on anti anxiety meds and anti depressants since my last stay in UBH where I was properly diagnosed for PTSD and major depressive disorder recurrent sever.
They were working wonders, 
Then my psychiatrist who rolled her eyes when she had read my PTSD diagnosis suggested instead of taking my anti-anxiety meds daily to  just take them as needed. 
This did not go well timed with my Therapist being out for maternity leave. 
I was kinda loosing my shit. 
Devin talked to me on new years and I started taking the anti anxiety meds more often, Things were getting better, 
Then I hit a major side effect of the antidepressants. 
I have to be really careful with anything that can cause suicidal thoughts. It hits me all the damn time.
This time I recognized it for a side effect. I was completely okay if I could just get rid of this fucked up preoccupation with suicide. 

I called my therapist and I called my psychiatrist and I used my fucking grounding skills to make it to the appointment, 
The minute I talked to Angela she agreed that this sounded like a chemical thing and I needed t get to the pill doc to get it under control. 

I go straight from the therapist to my psychiatrist. This woman immediately tells me she can't aggressively manage my treatment (detox if I came of the drugs etc) with me out patient. I agreed to go in patient and mention UBH, She stops me and says her boss works with Mayhill so it would be best for me to go there ,

This turned out to be one of the the worst decision of my life. 

Which I will come back to after a coffee I think. 

Current Mood: determined

11:30 pm

•  Proof I'm a poly introvert. I've just made sure my boyfriend went out to flirt with the girlfriend while the husband flirted with the un-escorted hottie while the boyfriend's wife and the mostly platonic friend snuggled and watched Agent of Shield so I could bugger off for alone time. 

04:24 pm - Damn you brain stop blaming yourself

Every time I think I've finally gotten a decent handle on my mental health something new pops up to make me realize 'Nope still got some crazy to get rid of.'. 

There is a girl who is new to my social circle. I believe I've spoken to her all of 3 times, and the first was just her telling me it was nice to finally meet me while I tried to figure out who the hell she was. 

She bothered me, just because she's overly familiar. I didn't even know her name and she was talking like we were best friends. 

New Years eve she was at the same party as me. At one point I found myself literally cornered by her and her SO while they were talking him having social anxiety and panic attacks. Once I was able to get out of the corner I couldn't help but laugh about the irony. 

Throughout the evening there were a few things that threw me off. At one point she was saying how great the food I made looked and how great something else looked and then how great my boobs looked. I again just laughed it off thanked her and moved away from her to another part of the party. 

Then a few of us had all worn pink panties as something on the internet said it was good luck. We agreed to get a picture of our pink panties. She decided she would jump in as well even though she wasn't even wearing pink....
As soon as the pics were taken and people wandered off I turned to find her in nothing but panties right next to me and she grabbed me by the head and shoved her tongue down my throat. I stopped her, held her at arms length and told her NO. I have issues with being touched please do not do that again. 
She apologized and I went off to collect myself. 

I'm telling this story not because of her, but because of how my brain has been dealing with it. Even writing this entry I'm seeing places where I should have spoken up. I should have said something. I should have let her know I wasn't interested rather than just walking away. 
Top that off with the guilt I'm feeling after telling my hosts about it later and them apologizing for something beyond their control. It wasn't their place to say something it was mine. And the guilt I feel for making her embarrassed and uncomfortable when I stopped her. The anxiety I feel at possibly running into her again and how is she going to handle it.

And I know in the logical part of my brain that she's the one that crossed lines and overstepped boundaries not me. That she maybe should feel some shame and guilt for her actions. 

But knowing it and really believing it are different things.

Still working on the whole I matter and I have the right to say no and demand my boundaries be respected. I'll get there. I hope. 

11:27 pm

 3 cubic feet
approximately 
It's still too large
too much space
i want to shrink 
to disappear 
to stop being a bother 
a nuisance
an eyesore
but i can't 
yet another way i fail

06:55 pm

11:19 am

04:24 pm - Oh that one hurt

I came across this article today and boy did it strike a cord.

I said I was going to start posting stories to help work through the shame I've been holding onto for no reason and I guess this is as good a place to start as any.

I am a rape victim.   ( Read more...Collapse )

Current Mood: thoughtful

01:28 pm

Get your own valentinr

06:51 pm - Kitchen kitchen kitchen kitchen kitchen....

So just went back to check and found that I have been remiss in updating my journal with the good news that's going on.

Right before Christmas we went to see about a home mortgage. I honestly didn't think we had done enough work on our credit to qualify at this point but we figured why not try. Turns out we had managed to fix our credit and were pre-approved for a loan and then introduced to our real estate agent.

We went the day after Christmas to look at houses and saw some really nice homes but they were out of our price range. After talking with the real estate agent and putting my foot down to her about what price point we were looking for and that we were not going to go above that even if we were pre-approved for more we set a date to go talk to a couple builders today.

And we found the one we want. We signed the papers and picked out the tile and counters and brick.

And OMG we're getting a house! Our very own house built just for us. I'm so excited.

Seriously guys the kitchen is bigger than our current living room. I get a real honest to god kitchen.
Kitchen kitchen kitchen!
( Floor PlanCollapse )

08:25 pm - Ok so it's been 4 hours and I'm still freaking pissed off so I'm posting.

I keep seeing this image posted on various sites stating "OMG don't donate to them they hate teh gays!"

Here's a news flash, the Salvation Army is a christian charity. As such they follow this silly little book written a long time ago. That book while being the thing that tells them they need to help their neighbors also tells them that same sex marriage is wrong. 
I can't help but going "well fucking DUH" of course they are against gay marriage, what would make you think that a Christian Charity would be for it? At the same time if you actually look at the page that that image is from the very next sentence is "Likewise, there is no scriptural support for demeaning or mistreating anyone for reason of his or her sexual orientation." It continues on to say that " The Salvation Army are available to all who qualify, without regard to sexual orientation."
But of course no one reads that. 

Ok so I keep hearing "well yeah but I heard they turn away homosexuals who need help" Maybe they do, I don't know if they do or not if it does and if that's why you choose not to support them that is absolutely your choice and I fully support you for taking a stand and not supporting an organization that you feel will not use your donation as you see fit.

But don't choose not to support them because of some blip of information taken out of context, to do so is to be like a Fox news viewer. 

I've gotten a few other responses talking about how other 'Christian group' turned away people at soup kitchens and shelters for being GLBT or for refusing to pray with them. 

Yes it's abhorrent to me to turn away someone who needs help if you have the help to give. However with religious organizations that's the trade off, we will help you in return for you paying lip service to our god. 

What we should be pissed off about, what we should be posting and linking and talking about is the fact that for so many they don't have the choice to reach out for help to anything other than religious charities. 

Churches are the ones that are providing soup kitchens and food banks and shelters. They are the ones that are helping even if they do expect you to pray with them in return. If you don't like that, if you think it's fucked up that someone may not get the help they need so badly because they are GLBT then do what  you can to help them. 
Turn your rage into something good. 
But until there is something else, somewhere else that people can turn to stop trying to destroy the one option that is there.

I do donate to Salvation Army any chance I get because they are the only thing that kept me and my Dad from being homeless at one point. But that's me. I don't ask anyone else to do the same.

The North Texas Food Bank is one of the few non-secular food banks I've ever come across, and I encourage anyone who doesn't want to drop their change into a red kettle to instead send it there.

Current Mood: annoyed