Childbirth and Motherhood has really changed me.
I have grown increasingly more patient and impatient at the same time. My patience has grown in ways I never could have imagined. I like that feeling. Yet I still snap at the most silly things. How is it that I can be growing in the opposite direction on both ends of the spectrum?
My body has changed in ways that I imagined, yet hoped would not happen. The worst part is, I compare myself to everyone and anyone who has had children. It's easy to dismiss young girl hottie-bodies that haven't had children because I, too had a body like that. Having a baby changed my body and I have had to accept that I won't ever get it back. I came across some pictures of my honeymoon the other week. I may have stared at one picture in particular (of me in a bikini) and cried for a bit. Just had to mourn for a bit over the body I won't ever get back. It's actually quite comical, if you think of it! I have several pairs of jeans that will never fit me again because I have hips. And my hips don't lie.
I've got a serious muffin-top and pooch to match. I'm still breastfeeding on cue like crazy but not losing any fat. I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but nowhere near my pre-pregnancy size. It's hard looking at all my clothes in the closet, wishing I could fit into them again. I really should just get rid of them. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Oh and while I'm at it, I should just cover up all the mirrors! ;) Yet when I see my adorable, healthy, strong, HEAVY little boy I am amazed that my body contributed to all that growth, with little effort from me! Even though I am at odds with my body right now, I am amazed that my body grew and is growing a small human! I feel like I have super powers. Every little milestone he meets just astounds me and sometimes I give myself a pat on the back. My friend called me the "Dairy Queen" once. It was a great compliment! My milk is growing this sweet little boy. And I love it. So it's a trade off! I don't have a smokin hot bod anymore, but I have a cute SOLID baby boy. I'll take the latter, if given the choice.
Next: sleep. Oh, what is sleep? No, my baby is not sleeping through the night. But before you bombard me with all your tips and tricks on how to get Phineas to sleep through the night, I must let you know that I am not interested. I am the expert on Phineas and we get by just fine, thank you. I read somewhere that sleep has become a barometer of good parenting. This is false! Whether my baby sleeps through the night is not a reflection of how I am at motherhood. I am still a good mom regardless. I've learned that babies really aren't supposed to be sleeping through the night, and placing an unrealistic expectation on my son will only frustrate me and set him up for failure. He wakes a few times a night, but we make do. Before I had Phin I was worried about sleep. I didn't sleep well when I was pregnant but new-mom sleep is way worse. I need more sleep than most people. Like 3 hours more than most people. Yet somehow I find the strength to keep going everyday, functioning with much less sleep than I am used to. Heavenly Father always gives me the strength to keep going and add fuel when I'm running on fumes.
My relationship with Heavenly Father has improved as well. I've never prayed so much in my life! It has been a wonderful lesson for me to realize that I am not in control. There have been times I wish I was, but to relinquish that need for control has been liberating. I'm still working on it.
The best thing I have done so far is to just follow Phineas' lead and parent using the Spirit as my guide. I have read a few books and mostly I take what I like and leave the rest. I don't religiously follow any specific parenting techniques because no one that has written those books, websites or articles has met my Phineas! I am learning more and more about him everyday and just when one thing works, he moves out of that phase and into a new one!
Now to the title of this post. Before I had Phineas, I used to take my sweet time getting ready. I would take long, relaxing showers. I would blow dry and style my hair. I did my make up. At night, I had a bedtime routine: remove make up. Wash face. Brush teeth. Lay in bed and read. Fall asleep when I was ready and tired. I used to wear lipstick. Red, pink or purple-ish. Now that my priorities have changed, so have all my routines and things I used to do.
I don't wear lipstick anymore because I am constantly kissing a little forehead, belly and toes. I have teeny little fingers constantly poking my face. The same hands that gravitate towards my mouth when I am talking. I usually eat my food really fast and I am constantly spilling, and I'm sure my lipstick wouldn't last an hour without getting smudged. So the lipstick stays in the drawer, and I stay in my pajamas for a good portion of the day.
Now before you start to think I'm being a negative nancy, I have to tell you that I LOVE these new changes! It has been totally hard to adjust but it is so worth it. I love the relationship that Phineas and I have. I am just as attached to him as he is to me, which makes being a working mom very difficult! I do take time to take care of myself. I still get my hair cut and dyed. On occasion I will wear make up and even put on some lipstick. But don't be surprised if you catch me at the grocery store in sweats and a t-shirt. I am embracing a new me. I learn things about myself and Phineas every single day. I love it. Not to say that motherhood doesn't have challenges... because it does. But the rewards are so sweet.
