Out · in · the · sands...

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i'm laying down
one eye open, peering like Odin
the other crushed closed up against a pillow
it's a comfortable couch
the one in my dreams
it's plush and warm
i lay motionless
watching Mammon beside me
his little fingers wrap around my hand
his sits over me worried-like
as if i am his sick child
he's watching me with two eyes, fixedly
while i observe him and drift off with the other
there's a sharp pain in my abdomen
he gazes up and down my body
his little tail curling around my ear
i can envision the ginger ale in his left hand
i smile, he smiles next
i move my hand up to his shoulder
and i squeeze it
he crawls up next to me
the couch that once seemed so narrow with only enough room for me
now accomodates us both with ease
he lays next to me watching my eye drift back and forth
and i hate the sight of him
but i will always love the excuse he gives me
and i will always will ashamed of my own behavior
but i curl closer to him, holding him dearly
knowing that without him, i am without excuses
and right now i feel so very weak without them

Mammon held my hand as i sat in silence
both energetic to please
both smiling privately
we glare upwards and i lean into the aisle
it's dark
but he leans my way and we peer through the narrow passage together
different shades of darkness lapse over one another
from black to purple to brown
our big eyes wait carefully
until we see him
elegant, collected, narrow himself
and dark
dark shades of color hiding inside of each other
a fleshless monster this once
the little one quivers and curls into my palm
we look each other in the eye warily
we gaze up the passage at the dark figure
and i drop his hand
fingers falling lifeless to his sides
and i separate myself from him
fearing our closeness under the gaze of the other

dream all the time now
with nothing to do but dream and procrastinate
the nightmares keep me awake
all the blood and needles
the violence and panicking
they make my skin crawl and feel cold

the little tiny one gives me reason to feel chills
he stares at me, unmoving
lips hovering over a single syllable
his little fingers curled up at my neck
he chokes me coldly until i bleed off my tongue

all that big blood
we can here it coming
all of us at once are scared
they're screaming inside me
i can't get away from the screaming
i want to tear at them with my fingernails

if they don't shut up
i'll shut down

mammon is whispering so closely now
mammon creeps up on his fingers and toes

he is all cold and quiet
crouched low
we kneel together in the pine needles and dirt
the roots of trees curl up and around our feet
he cuts up my fingers and arms
and i can't tell him to stop

mammon he climbs up onto me
and kisses my neck
soft and wet
that is so unlike him
but his fingers are hot and painful
i am without him
i am without him

however mammon drowns out all the sound
mammon stares up at me from under a straw hat
mammon's crimson eyes glow back at me

mammon waits for me
and i know
mammon will always desire me

"well, not entirely", he says, rubbing his fingers through my hair playfully


and i think on the first time he propositioned me
and i laugh
because it's so very funny
and so very....relaxing

and i also think of faerie wings
and a light hug
and an awkward kiss on the cheek


i have a lot of memories
i wish to have more




at least one of them has a hand on my shoulder
i feel the weight, the heaviness
pulling me backwards
i'm cold and they can feel it even deeper than me
they try to drag me into bed

the dark eyed one hovers quietly, thinking hard
his forehead creased with frustration
our expressions match for a moment
his worry and mine collide
cynical glances at the world together
and i let him climb up next to me

the others cling to me all too readily
i feel both weighted and uplifted
with them and with life


today was bad, i whisper into their ears

and they whisper back
with all their own private voices
and i hear the screams beneath it all

The plan is still slow going. The question of whether or not to risk the escape attempt still hangs in my mind. Doubt still clouding my judgment.

But the recent raid in my cell pushes me further to try. They moved my things, went through my stuff. It's not safe to leave anything suspicious out. Not safe here anymore.

They watch me all the time. I have to be more careful. Keeping secrets becomes more difficult. Especially when they have their hands all over my things.

This all creates questions.

I've been here for 7,246 days and this is the first time I've thought of escape. At least, seriously. This could be a way out. I could slip out from between their fingers while their eyes are turned.

The plan has been set in my mind. It could happen. I could find a way.
Escape can be imminent. If only I want it and try hard enough for it.

But I've got no time.