Sad day today. My cat Bear has been quite ill, & today lost his battle. Had to take him to vet this morning, as he cried all night, & has been so weak over past 2 days that he could no longer lift himself up. He would have been 17 on 27 July! (oh my, I was so much younger then! 1994) His mama, Nala is at least doing quite well. She's 20! But, always sad to lose a pet as they are like members of my family. However, I take comfort in knowing had I not taken Nala & her kittens in so long ago, that their lives would have been much shorter. (strays, & in the city no less) If only all the strays had loving & safe homes!

Looks like LJ is deleting inactive accounts, so guess I'd better write something since I haven't in quite some time. So, will talk about what I just read in the news about PLUS SIZE model Crystal Renn. WTF! Plus size at a size 10? Unless something has changed, I think the average size American woman is actually between a 12 & 14, so shouldn't she be an UNDER SIZE model? And maybe those size 0 & 2 models should be called ANOREXIC SIZE models.  Or maybe, just maybe, they should just be called MODELS, regardless of their freaking size. Guess that's too novel an idea for the fools that run the fashion industry, & are always trying to push down our throats how we women are never thin enough, & just never quite good enough period when it comes to looks & size. It's no wonder so many girls & women have such poor self images (including myself) & are forever judging themselves by some damn magazine cover. Magazines like "People" certainly don't help. Does a week go back where they are not highlighting some Hollywood female celebrity who has lost weight? It's one of the reasons I no longer buy the magazine. Several months ago I thought I'd retry "People" magazine, as it was offered for 3 months free at "Books-A-Million", & I found in that 3 months, that they still haven't changed & are still obsessed with women losing weight, so needless to say, I won't be continuing once there's a charge for it. What I do find rather amusing, although also rather sad, is that some of these celebrities are apparently still so into the crap that only a size 6 & under is acceptable, that they are lying about their new size! It's so obvious that so & so who refers to herself as now a size 4 or 6, is certainly no smaller than a 12. HOW SAD! They should be proud of their healthier new weight instead of telling such an OBVIOUS lie. I have forever wrestled with weight as an adult (thankfully not so much when I was a child). When I was working, we moved to a new location & they now had a company gym. I joined & actually lost 35 pounds (without dieting) & went from an 18WP (even the occasional 20 in pants) to a 14WP overall, & even was fitting into some size 12 skirts & tops! I felt better, & could walk faster & farther without losing my breath. But, according to the fashion industry, I was still FAT, & therefore quite frankly, ugly, which is always equated with being normal sized, let alone "plus" sized. Well, then in November 2008 I was laid off from my job of 9 years, & unfortunately have gained back at least half since then. And I'm back into my old feelings of being way too fat, & therefore ugly. It's a terrible feeling, & one that I know is just  validated by everything we see on TV, in magazines, etc, but I think it's a feeling most of us women have. And I don't think I know even one woman, friend, former co-worker, acquaintance, relative, etc, who does not feel physically inadequate in one way or another. I'd like to think that maybe it's all changing, but it's articles like this, & recently, the Ralph Lauren ad where they took a size 4 model, & photo shopped her too look so thin that she looked like she'd just walked out of a death camp, that makes me wonder if things really are changing for the better. Also, I have read statistics where young girls are obsessing more now than ever before, about their weight & looks, & even boys & men are starting to get into this crap. THAT'S the wrong direction! And the so called "reality" programming on these days certainly doesn't help. (examples-"You're Cut Off" on VH1 which has young girls already addicted to Botox, breast augmentation surgery, etc. & those "Housewife" shows with women who have had so much work done that they barely look human anymore). Hopefully, the more people who are disgusted by all of this, will actually let their thoughts be known. Not just in "comment" responses when these things pop up, but in not buying from designers who will only hire size "0" & "2" models, & in not buying magazines which play into it, & MOST IMPORTANTLY, for those who are fortunate enough to have children, but especially girls, to make sure that they are raised in knowing that who they are as human beings IS NOT defined by their size, but by their character.

Now, that all being said, there is still nothing wrong with getting to a healthy weight-but NOT because of Hollywood & the fashion industry, but because it makes us feel better physically, & therefore mentally. And that DOESN'T mean striving to be a size "0", (& since when did that become healthy for anyone over about 5 feet tall?) but simply  learning to live a more healthy life style & NOT being defined by our dress size.

I had my surgery Monday. My parents drove me to UC Hospital & I arrived to check in at 5:45am. Well, that was first problem. Woman told me I was in wrong place (I wasn't) & somewhat stressed, we headed to Radiology. That was wrong place too. I looked at my notes that I'd taken when nurse called week before to tell me what to do, & it said Nuclear Medicine after I checked in. So, finally after going to two wrong places, nurse took us to Nuclear. That was my first procedure. It was obvious that everything was in transition (it felt like we were headed through a bomb shelter-it was in basement) & the area I was taken for test was separated by rest of open office by just a curtain, so I was now even more stressed! But, on to procedure. I was given 3 somewhat painful, although bearable, injections which burned for just a few minutes. Once the dye was spread, pictures were taken so that my surgeon would be able to locate my lymph nodes. This process took about 45 minutes, & the only discomfort after the injections were just some of the positions I had to hold to get the pictures clearly. As I was lying there though, I heard a man say-"She needs to get to "check in" in the lobby before going to next procedure, so you need to give her another gown" or something like that. So now as I'm lying there, I'm thinking about how I'm going to look going back to that lobby filled with regularly dressed people. That may not bother others, but it really bothered me going bra-less under a hospital gown in front of everyone. However, nurse did give me the second gown, which I put on backwards over other gown, & she suggested I wear my little denim jacket that I thankfully had brought with me. So, it wasn't as bad as I thought. Also, several people in that office & in the offices I was in before had all apologized for the mix up at check in (although it wasn't their fault at all). So, my parents & I walked back up to lobby, & a new woman there & she still didn't think I should be there! Yea, I'm having these procedures done, but I'm not checking in? Anyway, I think she could tell I was upset, & she took care of it & sent me to a cubicle to finally check in. After that was finished, my "ride" came & it included some much appreciated heated blankets. Very nice attendant wheeled me to the Barrett Center where I was to have the wire inserted. The doctor (not my surgeon) spoke to me first to let me know everything that was going to happen, & happily, she informed me that I would indeed receive a numbing shot. (I had been told previously that I would not get one for this procedure). So, I was sent to a small room, with quite a few nurses & doctors actually, & got to get into one of those lovely vise things where you have to remain still. Although I couldn't see it, I was then given a shallow numbing injection, which hurt a bit, then a deeper one. After that, the doctor inserted the wire. I didn't feel that until it hit the other side, or at least that is what it felt like. Everyone in the office was very nice & there was a nurse right next to me the whole time who held my hand. I had been told this procedure could take just under an hour, but it actually took only about 10 minutes, much to my relief, especially since I couldn't move. I had to be very careful as to movement & with my left arm as there was a hook at the end of the wire so that it could be located once in surgery. The wire, by the way, had to be inserted so that my surgeon could find the tumor as it couldn't be felt. Next, I was wheeled to an area that had several private cubicles, each with a bed & TV, etc. That's where I was prepped for surgery. The nurse who inserted the IV (I'd say she needed a bit more practice-that hurt a bit) noticed how nervous I was (I was shaking the whole time) & put something in the IV to calm it. It helped, & I stopped shaking. My mom was with me during this time. Anyway, now I'm in bed & on my way to the surgery. Once I got there, they realized that I still had on the double gowns! But, couldn't take anything off due to IV, so they cut the left side off. The only thing I remember is getting to that room & seeing everyone in surgical masks & then nightie night! I awoke in recovery, at first not remembering what the heck was going on, & then realizing where I was & noticing how much my throat hurt. That was due to the breathing tube, which thankfully was both inserted & taken out while still sleeping. My blood pressure was being monitored during this time, & I had those pressure things on my legs. My bp was low, & the light & beeper kept going off, but I guess it was okay, as no one seemed concerned about it. (It was around 98 over 45) I do think I remember someone saying something about bp problems around when I first awoke, but now I'm not sure if that was about me or someone else. I'll have to ask my surgeon when I see her next Thursday. The surgery took about 2 1/2 hours, which was a little less time than anticipated. After about 45 minutes in recovery, I was wheeled back to the private cubicle & my mom came in. I was able to get dressed after a short while, with my mom helping me as I think she thought I was going to topple! I guess some people have done so, as there was a sign in the cubicle about what to do if you feel woozy. But, I had no adverse reaction to the anesthesia luckily, unlike my sister had had recently. (she ended up having to stay overnight after her procedure for growth in ear). We left the hospital around 3pm, & actually I felt pretty good on the ride home with mom & dad, & it took a while to get home, about an hour, due to rush hour. Oh, & before I left, the nurse gave me a Percoset for pain, & a prescription for that, to be taken every 4 hours. Once I got home, just sat down to watch some TV, but was suddenly very tired, & went to take a nap. I got up after a short sleep, & felt okay, & mom had fixed me a nice light dinner. Afterward though, I started feeling bad (I had taken a second pain pill by then) & was exhausted & had some nausea. My mom stayed all night (actually she's still at my house) & made sure to check on me every 4-5 hours & had cold water, my pain pills ready to take, & fresh cold packs. But, I was feeling horrible with an awful headache. So, the next day, Tuesday, she called the Pharmacist to see if I could take a Tylenol along with the pain meds, & he said okay. But, it didn't seem to help much. I was feeling worse, & now was feeling not only nausea & had a horrible headache, but also was getting woozy feelings. Now my mom was afraid for me to go up & down my steps, which are pretty steep. I just couldn't understand why I was feeling worse & worse, when I'd felt rather good for several hours after surgery. I finally decided it was the Percoset. I stopped taking it that night, & luckily, I was not in so much pain that made that decision difficult. I started taking just Tylenol. I have taken pain meds quite a few times before (two times had infected tooth-pain from HELL & some other minor surgeries or procedures) but I have never had an issue with pain meds. But, once I was off those things, I started feeling much better & the nasty symptoms went away. My mom has been wonderful in taking care of me, fixing all my meals & cleaning things up & always checking on my when I was in bed. Now, the thing I was worried about most was the call I was to get from Cathy (my surgeons nurse) regarding the results. Well, that call came today, & I found out the lymph node they examined was BENIGN. The tumor was 1 centimeter, & they took 8 centimeters. I think they said something about a clear margin of .5 centimeters, & my nurse said that was good. I had my mom talk to her though, because she's a nurse & understands all that stuff! So, no way to know for sure (without cutting the rest of them out), but they think I'm cancer free. Still, I'm pretty sure that I will still have chemo & radiation, which I believe is standard, & it's what my surgeon had already told me. I will know more next week when I see her, & I think they have further tests, including a genetic thing. I've decided to aggressive action to fight this due to the chances of it coming back, or possibly still being there. (I sure hope it's not that, & they're pretty sure it's not). So, guess I'll be back here to update next week. I will say this; I have always been very leery of hospitals here in Cincinnati (I couldn't get a surgery appointment at the Cleveland Clinic until October!), but everyone at UC Hospital was wonderful, from the attendants to the nurses to the doctors, & I liked my surgeon from the very beginning. My surgeon will be advising me Thursday as to which Oncologist I should see for the rest of my treatment. So for now at least, I am happy with the results I received today.  

Well, I guess since this is called liveJOURNAL, I should start treating it like one, although I'm not much of a writer. Right now I am feeling apprehensive & scared. On Monday, at 9:30am I will be undergoing surgery. I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, & am having a lumpectomy. The surgery (& the things they are doing to me before the surgery) are scary enough, but the fear that it has spread, is terrible to contemplate. And I won't know until 3-5 business days after, which makes it even worse. Too damn much time to think. Then, if things go as "planned", chemo will follow some weeks after surgery, & then radiation. And that's too damn scary too! I looked in the mirror earlier this week with my hair pulled back & my hands covering it, just to see what I'd look like bald, & it WASN'T a pretty sight. Some women don't look bad without hair, but I'm not one of them. I think it's going to be very difficult when it starts coming out. I did have it cut shorter, as suggested by my hair dresser (who happens to also be a friend & neighbor) who said it would be easier to deal with if my hair weren't so long. And she's going to go with me to pick out a wig. That will be a great help I think, having someone there who knows what she's doing. She said she's known a lot of women who, at a very vulnerable time in their lives, were ripped off when buying a wig, & she doesn't want that to happen to me. We'll pick one out before the hair comes out & hopefully, that may make it a little easier. What's totally weird is that I have what can be a deadly disease & I feel just fine! I guess that's what everyone goes through. So, if anyone who happens to read this, also happens to have gone through this, please let me know what happened & how you handled it. Hopefully, we will all have good results, & be cancer free.

There are so many "mixed" families-meat eaters & vegetarians-that I'd love to start a restaurant that had the "regular" food, along with a wide variety of vegetarian & vegan entrees. I am not a vegetarian, but my best friend & her husband are (Vegans) & unless one goes to an Indian restaurant, there are few (if any) vegan selections. I've learned from eating with them & going to vegan dinners, that there is actually a wide range of really good foods that one can eat, & are also usually much healthier. So, I'd really like to see a restaurant that incorporates all. Also, I'd like the restaurant to get all it's food locally & from smaller farms where the animals are treated without cruelty. And, maybe it would help to save the livelihoods of farmers who seem to be a dying breed. The restaurant would be bright, modern, & comfortable & decorated with art & accessories, etc. of the people who live there & things known to the local area.  

 I love fan fiction! Especially Rat Patrol centering on Hauptmann Hans Dietrich. I also like Hogan's Heroes fiction. Trying to find people to discuss HH fiction is pretty easy; I belong to several HH Yahoo groups. However, finding people to discuss RP fiction can be difficult, although I also am a member of several RP Yahoo groups. I would love to find people who like to discuss the stories we've read from RP fiction.