kiya

Not my best way to start a year, honestly, this state of mind.



ETA ... okay random shuffle is being perfect in a lolsob way.

Time is like a bullet from behind
I run for cover just like you
Time is like a liquid in my hands
I swim for dry land just like you

Time is like a blanket on my face
I try to be here just like you
Time is just a fiction of our minds
I will survive and so will you

We are the only ones right now that are celebrating
And we are joining hands right now
We are the only ones right now that are suffocating
We are the dying ones right now

As the water grinds the stone
We rise and fall
As our ashes turn to dust
We shine like stars

Here's the whole thing, and welp.

Official video.

Dramatis Personae

Viepuck, quiet due to player absence
Izgil, unfortunately the only one who can see in the dark
Celyn, who did a lot of rogueing
Robin, prepared to do a great deal of dragon-thumping

When we concluded last session, we were about to be attacked by a dragon.

( So we set up for that. )


(Combat sessions are easy to summarize.)

Mama

There was in me
A trailing reluctance
To let go
Of what nurtured you—

Even though
It now fed
Neither you
Nor me.

But—

When you tucked your head
Against my chest
To cling again,
I don't think
You even
Noticed
It was gone.

Seahorse

I carried you
Even though
I—
I am no woman;

(I will love all things that grow
And are,
And am,
Not barren)

You taught my roots to drink
My trunk to span realms
My branches to embrace the stars:
We were the world,
Together.

You were never as heavy
As how
The world
Saw me.

Three lunatics and a paladin!

Dramatis Personae:

Viepuck, driving this bus accidentally, who gave the twelve-year-old the wheel
Izgil, with the frustrated pedantry
Celyn, mostly just vibing (I had a few moments but I get tired and muzzyheaded easily at the moment)
Robin, who got to be dramatic at the end

When we left off we were on top of a cliff near Veltor, the capital of the barony.

( So we jumped off the cliff, which was the plan. )

I need to write some shit down so I can sort it all out.

Will add to it as I remember things I need to deal with so I can unload them from my brain.

( Primarily of interest to me. )

Miria

A mirror
Is a harrowing thing
And I hid from them
For years,
Flinching back
From the memories of monsters
Peering around the jamb
Of duplicated doors,
Hungry for thought.

I am
No longer
An extracted reflection
But changed:

At last

I saw me
Instead
Of you

And I am not afraid.

( I actually wanna explain the literary reference here. Not the Feri mythology bit, that can just sit. )

After a conversation bit Saturday (and then another conversation later Saturday) I got to pondering that my default manifestation of deep-seated social trauma is always at least partly some flavor of "I am faking all this (and if anyone notices they will hurt me)" and now I'm wondering if at least some of that 'I am faking this' is rooted in dysphoria issues as much as it is neurodivergence because if I'm historically incapable of feeling authentic as myself I can't expect anyone else to see me as real either.

Last night's sleep was Bad in complex ways (I woke up at 6, tried to get back to sleep and did not until after 7, and then had to be up at 8:30 for church service). But that meant I woke up in the middle of a dream and thus remember some bits of it.

( Just a few remembered snippets, mostly because I remember them from telling KJ this morning. )

Crack

A smooth arc
Knows naught
Of becoming;
It must break itself
Into
A whole bird

The song shivers
Like an egg,
Warbling shards
Of something
New