Community

I've been thinking about the concept of a community today.  In the religion I was born and raised community is very important.  Your ward becomes you family.  Through an accident of residence, rather than an accident of birth, you are placed into an "extended family".  You get out of this family what you put into it.  Sometimes, no matter how much you try to you are still alone. 

The "family" from my youth was not the best environment for me yet I still think of these people as an extension of my life.  I spent so much time with these people that it doesn't seem to matter much that the activities and interactions were sometimes painful, sometimes worthwhile, but almost always lonely. 

That "family" had a wolf in its midst.  A person who was causing pain and damage.  It was an "open secret" that he had certain predilections.  At least among the youth.   Somehow, his behavior was overlooked or maybe unnoticed by the adults in the neighborhood.  Maybe it was the choices of the Mom that finally called him out, or it was the idea that someone so "good" could really be so "bad" but he slipped through the cracks and those whom he made uncomfortable breathed a sigh of relief when he moved away. 

He is now in prison and although that makes me so happy, and sad at the same time given the number of years and lives he destroyed before he was caught, it has brought me straight back to that "community" or "family", if you will, of my youth.  There is a lot of PTSD from bullying, loneliness, and rejection suffered at the hands of these people, yet they were part of my life for so long.  These people helped shape me and made me stronger and yet weaker at the same time.

I look around at the "community" that I've given my children and wonder if I am making a mistake.  For some of my kids it seems to be going well.  They are happy and loved.  However, for certain of my children this is not a good community.  I see the same hurt, rejection, and loneliness.  I am not convinced that the type of community built through my chosen religion is going to help me raise my children. 

I've come to learn that this community is good for those that fit the "mold", but is not going to work for me or my family.  Its probably time to walk away before the damage outweighs the good.  I wish more people understood the impact they have whether for good or bad because having just one friend at church can make or break you.

Insecurities

What do you do when you are feeling insecure?

How do you chase the demons away?

This week I've been worn out.  I haven't had much sleep, poor sick Noah.  He has croup, which means late nights listening to him cough.  He hates it.  Crying, "No more coughing.  I sick".  I also have a pretty intense school load, even after dropping a class.  I am working on repainting my cabinets and walls.  And, I am watching my friend's little girl 3 days a week now.  She is a sweetheart, wonderful 4 year old, and she entertains Noah, but its A LOT!

I have found myself increasingly aware of where I am dropping the ball.  I had a panic attack and flashback from a trauma that occurred almost 3 years ago, which has lowered my emotional defenses.  Mostly, I am tired.  I think a good nights sleep without being kicked and having my pillow stolen by the cutest 2 year old is desperately needed.

But what else?  I find myself asking for reassurance, which makes me feel needy.  And I complain, which I despise.

 Somewhere I'll find the inner strength, after all, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and I'm still breathing!

My thoughts on my weight loss

Over the last year or so I have lost 23 lbs.  That is over and above losing the baby weight from having Noah.  I had carried this extra weight since having Liam.  I have gotten a variety of comments during this time.  Most have been nice comments about how good I look.  But, there have also been some less than nice compliments, or complisults.  From a well-meaning relation, "You look really good because you know you were so chunky.  You know that right?  You know you were chunky."  As if by telling me that I must know I was chunky means she wasn't really insulting me.

Here's the kicker, I did not think I was chunky.  I did not intend to lose weight.  I was within the healthy range for my height and I looked good.  I was happy with how I looked.  Was I aware that I could lose weight?  Of course.  No one can live in this appearance centered society without being fully aware of your flaws.

So, if I didn't intend to lose the weight what happened?  My life, for lack of a better word, fell apart.  Now, here's the part where I will be vague-blogging.  No, I am not going to share what happened or what I went through.  What I will share is, I hit rock bottom.  I hit a point so low so very very low that I couldn't function.  I completely stopped eating.  Then I began eating barely enough to survive,  for months.  And one day I decided to run.  Then I decided to run a half marathon.  I trained through the pain and the stress and the darkness and I did it.  I ran the Utah Valley Half marathon.  Eventually I woke up.  Eventually I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, and suddenly I had lost a lot of weight.  Most people had hardly seen me during that time because I didn't speak to very many people, and I didn't go out in public much, if at all, so when I finally felt strong enough there was a big difference.

Do I think I look better now?  Of course I do.  Do I appreciate the nice, non insulting compliments?  Yes.  Just don't tell me I used to be fat.  I mean really, who does that.

What has happened since?  My outlook has changed, and I don't think it's for the better.  I have started obsessing over gaining the weight back.  I worry about what I eat, or feel guilty for having a treat.  I am not a big sugar fiend, but I have other addictions.  (Diet Pepsi).  I am hyper critical of myself now.  Sure I've lost some weight but suddenly it isn't enough.  When will it be enough?

My husband, who does not read my blog like ever, has lost a lot of weight over the years too.  He has become obsessed.  He is way skinny, almost too skinny.  He weighs himself 3 times a day on 3 different scales.  It is his personality to obsess over everything, but this has gone too far.  It's an unhealthy obsession.  I asked him the other day what his goal was.  When would he be happy enough to relax and focus on being healthy.  He said in 2 more pounds.  Isn't it always a few more pounds?

The attitude I want is to be healthy.  I am working on eating for my body.  I am pre-diabetic and need to be careful with sugars and carbs.  I feel better when I am eating right.  I am not great at it but I am trying.  I just really like potatoes and rice.  I want to keep running, to train for more races.  I know that if I do my body will be healthy, and that's where I want to be.  I want to be happy with how I look, no matter what.  After all, my body has done amazing things and the scars I carry just show that I've survived, and created life, and lived.

Reflections on 2013

The year is coming to a close.  I am so glad.  This has been without a doubt one of the hardest years of my life.  I know given my history of PPD that I very openly shared almost 4 years ago, (PPD) that most of my handful of readers will think that is what is going on.

Its not.

Having Noah has been the highlight of the year.  Taking care of him has given me something to hold on to.  He really is a joy, a sweet, active, curious baby.

The struggles I have been living through are so deeply personal and painful I will not share them.  I just want to say if you've seen me and I have seemed distracted, or angry, and or sad, don't take it personally.  I have not been right.  I withdrew from everything for months.  More than likely most people didn't see me at all.  I hid.  I didn't read a single book for 4 months.  If you know me well, you know that is long.  I usually read about a book a week.

I am finding a strength and courage I didn't know I had.  I will be ok.  This isn't some crazy I need help I am losing my mind post.  I am fine.

Here's to 2014.  My single goal is to find myself again and be happy.  It won't take much for it to be a better year.

I wish everyone else a very Happy New Year, and all the best in 2014!

Summer

We had a pretty fun exciting summer.  In between vacation after vacation, we were seriously gone a month, Blake has been remodeling our house.  It's still a work in progress, although it's so close!  He is outside building a deck as I write this!  I will post pictures as soon as its all complete.

In June we headed down to Arizona where Noah Ryan was blessed.  I am very lucky to be part of a big crazy family that is very supportive.  Because we were in AZ, only my friends and family were able to attend.  We filled my parents house with 60 people.  It was great.  He is such a loved little guy!

After the blessing Blake and I headed to New Orleans with Noah, while my parents so kindly babysat the other 4 kids for us.  It was so great to get away, even if I had a little guy in tow.  While it was super hot and super humid, I still loved New Orleans.  I am such an AZ girl.  I can take a bit of dry heat, but the humidity made me feel like I was going to melt!

We toured the famous cemetery.  This is the future tomb of Nicolas Cage.  He loves New Orleans and is enough full of himself to build an ostentatious tomb in anticipation of his death.  Someday.  I enjoy a bit of eccentricity.

I brought masks back for the girls.  Aren't we adorable.

After New Orleans Blake headed back to Utah to work, while I stayed in AZ.  Blake flew back a few days later to attend Freeman's graduation from Pharmacy school.  Yay Freeman!

So, after family pictures twice, once for the whole family, once with all 12 grand kids in costume, we headed home.  I will share the Costume pictures when I get the okay from my Mom.

 Blake loves to take detours so, we stopped by the Sand Dunes on our way home.  Yes that is Blake and Elijah climbing the dune and rolling down.  Good times.

Then we swung by Alton, UT to see the Whoa sign.  Alton is a bit of our past we haven't seen in 14 years, and a story for another time, if you haven't already heard it.

Then we were home.  3 days later Blake took off to Wyoming to river raft with Chloe and Elijah.  Sorry no pictures.  I guess I am the one who always remembers the camera.  There is plenty more to post about our summer, another time.

We all need encouragement sometimes

Everyone needs a Liam in their lives.  The other morning I was taking care of the baby, looking great in pj's with no make up or brushed hair.  Liam climbed up next to me, rubbed my back and said, "you are pretty".

And, here is the mountain man I live with.  Blake has decided to rock the full beard.  I kinda like it.

More Pictures