kritterfox

I had a dream last night. I dreamt I met myself. Not the man I am today, though. This me was much different. Oh, he had the same face, the same crooked nose, and the same scars. Even the surgical scars matched. But that was where the similarities ended. He was dirty, unkempt, and extremely overweight. His clothing was stained and in poor repair. He was balding as well, and to a much greater extent than I am today. He obviously cared nothing of his appearance, no cared what others thought. It was his face, however, that was the most striking. It was dead. There was no light in his eyes; not even a hint of that mischievous twinkle I often get. No smile on his face, or humor in his demeanor at all. He was a man who allowed the world to weigh him down, because he saw no other way. For him, there was no joy in the world, no reason to fight. Just a day to day existence in what must be, for him, a cruel and sad life.

We chatted briefly, and amiably. It was almost like friends who were just catching up a bit before moving on their separate ways. Of course, in a way we were. I knew who this man was, just as he knew who I was. Two sides of the same coin. Two old friends meeting for the first time, yet having known each other forever.

This dream, for me, was a disconcerting one. I've often wondered where I would be if I had never taken that chance years ago to move to Tucson and begin my life anew, and I believe that this dream answered that question. This man I met, this different version of me, is the man I could've been. A man who never left Louisville all those long years ago. This man never made an effort to dig himself out of what he had been. He never took a chance, and never dared to believe in himself, nor dared to listen to those who believed in him. He never tried to find or improve himself. He would never discover his potential and realize his dreams. This me allowed himself to wither and die inside, rather than finding reasons to live.

I believe that this me that I encountered is the person I would've become if I had never left Louisville, and that is just a little bit frightening to me. But at the same time, it is a good reminder as to why I've taken the risks I have, and tried so hard to grow. I love dancing and singing for no good reason than just because. I love being silly, random, and goofy. I love that extremely youthful bend to my nature, and how Molly always says that I make her feel young by just being me. I love that I have my humor to use a shield from the darkness that can occur in life. And I love that I can find a reason to smile in just the joy of what life is, and what it can be. This other me had lost that, forever. The thought of being so dead inside, and to see myself so dead inside is both sobering and refreshing. Because that is who I could've been. But it is not who I am.

Two completely different lives of one man, stagnation and change, momentarily intersecting in a dream. A much needed reminder of how things may have been and but never will be as long as I keep trying.

Or it could've just been gas. You never know.

So, this is it. Tomorrow I fly into Phoenix to begin my job hunt.

Hi! Been a while since I've updated, so maybe you're lost.

Ok. The job at the Mesa campus fell through, which does not surprise me. Last I heard, the whole place is falling apart...heck, classes started a week late. The scuttlebutt is that Mesa decided they didn't need an IT tech down there at this time, so they'll just fly whoever they need out from Lisle when they need support.

Yes. Brand new campus. Brand new hardware. Place is already falling apart. And they don't feel they need IT. Well, more power to 'em.

I also no longer work for the University now. To not go into specifics, there was an incident that occurred which was the straw that broke the camels back, and I felt that I had no other option but to put in my two weeks. Yes, I understand that this is not the economy to be jobless in; this should tell you how bad this incident was. Yesterday was officially my last day employed at Benedictine, though they asked me to leave earlier (8/27) because I had access to sensitive data and they were afraid I'd do something with it. Yes, because I'd risk my professional reputation just as I begin my IT/infosec career. I'm not saying I don't understand why they did what they did, because I do from an information security standpoint, but it is a bit insulting. I guarantee you I'm hell a lot smarter than that, but oh well. So, instead of preparing the department for my imminent departure as I promised by boss I would do, I got to enjoy a nice two week paid vacation to prepare for the trip instead.

And then the trip! Yes, I am leaving for Phoenix tomorrow. Less than 24 hours from now, actually: leaving Chi-town at 2:20pm, arrive in Sky Harbor at about 4pm. I gave up on the transfer at the beginning of August; I decided that if I hadn't heard anything by then, I probably wasn't going to. I've already got a plan of attack in place for the job hunt, including a rather fortuitous Job Fair that just popped up for Monday. I'm hoping beyond hope this trip works, and I leave Phoenix next Sunday with a job. If it doesn't...well, I'm not letting myself think that way. It *WILL* work.

As I'm certain you all are aware, I'm actually very much looking forward to this trip (and just a little bit nervous about it, too). I'm returning to Arizona for the first time in 8 years, 3 months, and 9 days (yes, I know EXACTLY how long I've been gone). I miss the desert, and cannot wait to get back and feel the heat on my skin and the sun on my face. Not to mention the stars at night. And cacti, and lizards, and scrub, and mountains. Oh, glorious MOUNTAINS! I can't wait to get back home. I've been gone way too long.

Let's see, what else? School has gone well. Finished my last semester with straight A's again. This week begins my final semester in my CIS program. Four more months, and I'll be done with my second Bachelors degree. It still amazes me to think I've got not just one, but almost two Bachelors degrees. Not to mention that I'll begin working on my masters shortly after I complete my BSCIS degree. Very cool, to say the least.

And that's really about it for now. The only other things going on is a lot of packing in hope of a quick move from Chicago to Arizona. I ask you all please keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm going to need all the luck I can get.

One of the problems with keeping a journal is getting off my butt to actually update it on a regular basis. This weekend may be a journal dump of things I've been thinking about all week, so I apologize now if I spam your feeds.

I've continued my trip down memory lane through my LJ, moving from 2007-2010. One of the things I've noticed is that it's amazing how much of a difference meeting Molly made to my life. She was a much needed stabilizing force when my life was at its most turbulent. She steadied me and gave me something secure that I could cling to while I recovered and began to put myself back together and find myself. I don't think she has any clue how grateful I am for everything she's done for me, helped me through, and put up with over these last 7 1/2 years (dealing with my mom alone is a strong case for sainthood, you know). I really wouldn't be where I'm at now without her support.

Last weekend, I decided I was fed-up with spending most of my time sitting around the house. My foot had been doing much better, so I took Molly out for some fun in Naperville. We hit the morning farmers market and picked up some AMAZING home made clementine marmalade as well as some fruits and veggies. The shelter where we adopted Lupin was there, too, and they had an adorable little 2 year old corgi mix sitting out who glommed onto me in a flash (he actually kept creeping closer to me whenever other people came around). He almost came home with me...turns out the little guy had been at the shelter for almost his entire life. Sadly, the reason for this is because his herding instinct was so strong he wasn't good with other dogs. Or cats. Or children. And, sadly, with two cats and one ferret (not to mention evil apartment pet restrictions), we had to pass him up. I hope he finds his forever home soon.

After the farmers market, we went to an art fair being held at Naper Settlement, and wandered around there for a bit. We almost picked up multiple pieces of beautiful art, including some amazing surrealistic clay sculptures. Sadly, with the move coming up soon, we just could justify buying anything additional to pack. The art fair nearly did me in, though. My foot couldn't handle the uneven terrain, and by the time we were most of the way through it I was in a lot of pain. I soldiered through the rest of it as best I could and then went home, skipping our plans to spend time wandering around downtown for a bit so I could ice my foot and let it rest. This wasn't the end of our day in Naperville, though. Later in the evening, once I had rested a bit, we packed up a picnic lunch and went back over to the Millenium Carillon for their weekend concert. We walked around the Riverwalk for a bit, taking pictures and enjoying the views before settling down in the grassy field in front of Moser Tower to watch the sunset while the bells played. We spent a lot of time trying to pick what what songs were playing (we identified music from The Music Man, Pachbel's Cannon, Hallelujah, and P!nk's Bent not Broken, among others), while watching the other families play and have a good time. It was quite a lovely evening, and one much needed.

As for the week itself, it was...eh. Work was work, as always. They kept me busier than normal this week with a lot of clerical assignments which irritated me beyond words, but there's naught that I can do about it for now. I won't go into my complaints of being insultingly underemployed, because they just get repetitive and unnecessary. I have plans in place to rectify this, and there's nothing I can do about it for now, so I will just chill and forge onward. I'm having problems getting back into the homework routine after a week off, but thankfully the stuff I'm doing right now is frighteningly easy. Discussing the benefits and detriments of capitalistic, socialistic, and communistic systems during response to a national crisis? I could do that in my sleep after a night of heavy drinking. Pinging servers and collecting publicly available info in an exercise to show what tricks hackers use to get information about companies they can use against them? Done in 5 minutes. Like I said, easy peasy, rice and cheesy. I almost miss the days of my VB/C++/Java programming assignments. I may have cursed and struggled at times, but I loved every minute of it. Those were glorious challenges of my problem solving talents. They were just so much FUN. One of the problems of being relatively intelligent...not everything can be a challenge. So sad.

There were definite bright points to the week, though. I had the stitches removed from my hand on Thursday, and both the doctor and nurses were amazed at how well it had healed. They were expecting to have to at least keep it bandaged for a few more days but, nope, once again my mutant healing abilities strike again. I also had my 4th post-op yesterday for my foot, which turned to to be a surprise last post-op. The surgeon was very happy with how well my foot is healing. She had expected me to need a few more appointments through mid-August, but didn't see the need now. I wont even need physical therapy. I'm allowed to wear shoes again, but I'll need to transition back into them slowly. I understand the need for the slow transition...I wore a shoe while we went out for dinner and to see The Conjuring last night (very good story for a fright flick, BTW), and by the end of the movie I was having new and interesting (and very painful) pains in my foot that I'd never had before. I will definitely need to take it easy.

That's about it for now. No real plans for this weekend, as Molly has to work. There is an event I kind of wish I could have gone to this weekend: Nudes-A-Poppin', a nudist event at a nudist resort in Indiana. I've been invited to go a couple of times to help work the event, but I've never really felt comfortable doing so. I think I could've done it this year, though (might allow me to finally break my blush!)...heck, my self esteem and body image have improved considerably over the years (I will admit that my weight loss has helped in this) that I probably even could've gone about naked for a bit. Oh well, another time mayhaps. So today I will be sitting around with my kitties and working on homework. Sometimes you need a quiet...ok, with cats involved not so quiet, day at home.

Smokey Joe was just chasing his tail in a paper box. I just died from the adorable. I love that silly old cat. :-)

I knew today was going to be off when I got up. I had just woken up from a rather depressing dream, one that completely threw me off kilter. The fact that it was dreary and raining didn't help. Normally, I love the rain; today, however, it did nothing but help to dampen my mood.

I got into work and started moving some files around. Some of the files I had placed on my desk slipped onto the floor and, not really paying attention, I reached down to pick them up. Of course, I had my filing cabinet drawer open at the time, so when I reached down I rammed my left hand into the top of the side of the drawer. I didn't think anything of this at first. It hurt, yeah, but not too badly. But then I looked at my hand. Turns out that my hand hit the drawer with such force that it completely and deeply split the webbing between my index in middle fingers apart, so much so that I could see things in the cut that I really should never see. As I am certain you can imagine, this was not good.

Surprisingly enough, I took this all in stride. I cleaned the wound as best I could (it didn't start bleeding for nearly a good 30 seconds, and then started with a vengeance). After staunching the blood, I gave my doctors office a ring and was told to get my butt to the ER. After several failed attempts to call Molly, one of my coworkers gave me a lift. The comedy of errors continued at the ER. The doc confirmed that it was going to have to be stitched up. I got several shots of anesthetic, the first of which I did not feel at all which worried the doc. However, the other two made up for it in spades. My wound was thoroughly cleaned with multiple giant containers of saline, and I finally got in touch with Molly after about 25 minutes had passed (it turns out her phone decided to not work this morning until she rebooted it). The doc came in to give me stitches, and we discovered that the anesthetic had worked on my middle finger, but not on the cut. The doc asked if I wanted another dose, but by this time I just decided that I wanted the experience over with, so I opted to get my stitches without it. Despite my general hatred of needles, I watched him stitch me up with morbid curiosity. It was an interesting experience, to say the least. I was released shortly afterwards, Molly showed up 5 minutes later, and I went back to work.

One would think that dealing with all this would've brought my day down, but it didn't. It actually turned it around. Maybe it was just the absurdity of the situation, how every minor thing that could've gone wrong did. Or maybe it was my psyche using humor as a defense, as usual. Either way, my coworkers and I spent most of the day laughing about this whole thing. It helped to inject a bit of much needed humor into my day, which I'm grateful for. The fact that I've had no pain at all outside the initial cut and the stitches has helped a lot as well.

Still, I'm not sad to be shut of this day. It continues to feel off, and I'm just tired. While it was good to see how even a minor disaster can turn things around for the better, right now all I want is to snuggle up in my wife's arms and go to sleep.

At least I'm walking normally again. Huzzah!

Day before yesterday, I misjudged the height of a curb while walking around on my crutches, and wound up falling and landing on my healing right foot.

Yesterday, one of my crutches snags something and, instead of falling on my face (which would've been the better option), I landed with all of my weight on my right foot.

Today, while I'm hobbling up the stairs on my crutches (do you sense a theme here?) I trip and ram the big toe on my right foot, where the incision starts, into one of the stairs.

And people think I'm JOKING when I say that I can't promise I won't hurt myself.

Thankfully, it seems like no damage has been done. There was some swelling and aching, but that seems to have cleared up quite a bit. It looks like my amazing ability to heal (supplemented by some damn fine surgical work and my seemingly endless supply of dumb luck) strikes again. I'm even already able to hobble around the house without my crutches, though I have been using my cane just for the additional support.

Finished my last final for the semester today. Both exams were beyond easy easy for me, showing that it definitely helps to love the subject matter. Hoping my Network Security class is as much fun as my Incident/Disaster response class was, but I doubt it will be.

Speaking of Incident/Disaster response, in the last week I've finished four of my seven FEMA/NIMS trainings, and am more than halfway through my fifth. I've never before come across any subject I've been this passionate about. I love this stuff. Even when I'm exhausted and tired of reading, I'm still cramming as much of this into my head as I can. Resource typing and logistics; communications planning; interactions between local jurisdictions, tribal authorities, state, & federal authorities; multiagency coordination systems and unified commands...this stuff is awesome! I'm enjoying these so much that I'm very tempted to take more trainings once I'm done with these seven. I've even looked for Incident/Disaster Management degree or certificate programs in Arizona, just to see if there is anyplace where I can continue this education (sadly, there isn't). This makes me really hope that my transfer goes through, because it will be a lot harder for me to pursue this as a career if I have to leave the University.

Which leads me to the transfer. I've not heard a peep from the Mesa campus president since I sent him the email. Even his assistant sent him a text letting him know that I wanted to talk with him, and nothing. I'm hoping that maybe he's just so busy with meetings this week that he just doesn't have the time, but I doubt it. I'm still working on my backup plans, and plan on talking with my doctor at my second post-op this Saturday to find out when I might be able to travel and her estimate as to when I'll be able to move so that I can continue working on my backup plan. I did finally hear back from the career services department at my school. They suggested that I line up temp and job placement agencies, which is what I was already doing as my backup plan. Good to know I'm on the right track. Now I just hope that one of them can find me a job that will give me the 3, 3.5 weeks I would need to put in my two weeks notice and move.

Alright, I need to go to bed. Still having problems sleeping through the night, and I don't think keeping my foot propped up on the pillows is helping. G'night.