It has been a disgracefully long time since I last updated this journal - so much for promising to change. I will add further entries for holidays and events, such as Henham Steam Rally, at a later date. Hopefully I should be able to add more regular entries now that I am feeling better.

It is a lovely day today as the sun is shining in a clear blue sky and I feel full of life. During the winter I lose motivation and fall into a 'resting' state. The Spring sunshine and flowers make me want to be outdoors and concentrating on the garden. Initially tidying, clearing and weeding prevail but as the weather warms I will be moving plants, adding new borders and, hopefully, starting the vegetable/fruit crops. The lack of attention has left the garden in a wild state, perfect for wildlife, and I am aiming to maintain as many habitats as possible while regaining some kind of control. Even in the winter we have a wide view of the garden and it is a great pleasure watching the birds enjoying the grass and bushes. Ideally we would like to add boxes for wildlife (e.g. hedgehogs as we have no trees for bird boxes).

Over the past few months I have gradually worked on the house to make it our own. As I deep clean the rooms, I rearrange furniture, find homes for everything left out and dispose of unwanted items (either to the charity shop or to be recycled). The lounge now has the electrical equipment neatly arranged with suitable wiring (thanks to Simon) and is much easier to keep tidy. I will gradually work through the other rooms to tidy and clear - I feel we need all the rooms to be useable rather than just the lounge. One of the worst rooms is the spare room, currently full of boxes from where I moved in, and I must be strict about what I keep. Until the evenings become lighter I will really make an effort to get it cleared. In addition, I am always looking for green solutions to use for heat retention, energy conservation and reduced chemical use within the home.

When I am not in the garden or clearing the house, I have many hobbies. Currently, whenever I sit still, I am knitting squares (for a blanket) out of offcuts of yarn I have been given. I am not the fastest knitter (even in plain stitch) so it is taking a long time but I do have 93 out of 263 squares knitted (about 35%). Colours include blue (in the majority), green, purple, orange, black mixes and white mixes. This is my second blanket as I used crochet to create the first one. For quiet times, I like to complete Sudoku, Loop the Loop and Bridges puzzles.

Previously, I started to stitch a large tapestry of flowers in a vase. The picture is pre-printed onto the canvas and is full of colour. It is still a work in progress but requires a lot of concentration and natural light as the print does not always correspond to the canvas squares. This is my third tapestry. The first is a small pre-framed tapestry of a country cottage with a thatched roof completed in long stitch. The second is a smallish tapestry of a violin and a fruit bowl on a table in wonderfully deep browns, yellows and reds completed in tapestry stitch. Each picture takes hours to complete as it consists of many tiny stitches. I feel a great sense of satisfaction once I finish and, once framed, it can be enjoyed over and over again.

My overwhelming love of English has lead me to enrol on a self-study English course to improve my vocabulary, refine my writing style and master the nuances of communication. Each lesson is only 15 minutes so I often sit down when I have the energy in the evening. Other self-improvements include a touch-typing course, learning German/French/Swedish and managing my anxiety. In addition I try to read a lot of books (presently Agatha Christie) and write about my thoughts and feelings. Science has always fascinated me so New Scientist magazines and books on Quantum Physics are also on my bookshelf.

My general health has suffered since my ankle injuries over a year ago so I try to include more exercise and I am learning to cook. The sheer lack of motivation makes both these pursuits hard work. I also intend to grow my own vegetables and fruit since I enjoy gardening and fresh produce always makes the best meals. It is just a case of getting into the correct mindset.

Karen xxx

Last Friday was my birthday and, as it was also the bank holiday weekend, I decided to take a long weekend off work (Friday to Tuesday inclusive). We also invited Simon's parents down to visit but they decided to stay in a hotel nearby to pamper themselves. Thankfully Mum came over to help with the garden on the Tuesday before and we managed to weed enough to make it look presentable. The house wasn't as clean and tidy as I had hoped but I ran out of time :(.

On Friday I spent all morning pampering myself with various smelly products and a nice soak in the bath. In the days leading up to my Swanage holiday I went clothes shopping (I hate clothes shopping) and found myself a particularly nice black dress. The dress consists of a black patterned chiffon-like fabric with a smooth black lining and is gathered underneath the bust with a lovely flowing skirt under the waist. I know, most unusual for me, but it is a really nice dress :) and it felt nice to dress up for my birthday.

Simon's parents took my parents and I out to lunch at a local pub of my choice called "Millar's". It has a lovely view of the pier and the sea even in bad weather and the food is really good. We tend to go there often and I enjoyed a lot of food in good company :) finishing off with a large slice of raspberry cheesecake. It's nice to spoil myself with food occasionally even if I am a bit rotund these days. Unfortunately Simon couldn't take the time off work as he is covering his manager's role. In the evening we had Chinese food and Simon's parents joined us for the evening.

On Saturday Simon took me out for lunch at a rural pub in a nearby village called the Newbourne Fox. I have never seen such a large menu in a pub restaurant before and the food was amazing. We both had crispy chicken strips with a plum sauce dip for starters. I had a rack of lamb with sautéed potatoes, a grilled beef tomato and a lovely side salad. Simon had a large plate of fish and chips. For dessert I had summer berries cheesecake (as the brulée was unavailable) and Simon had a mint-choc ice cream sundae. Just as we were leaving a large number of American Hot Rods made their entrance into the car park. They ranged from a Model-T Ford, through many vintage/classic American vehicles to a fairly recent adapted Ford Escort estate. On the way back I did a little shopping in town while Simon went down to the seafront to view the Hot Rod cars on display down there (I was wearing the wrong shoes). I lazed around for the rest of the afternoon until Simon's parents arrived. Simon and Janet spent some time in the loft sorting out (she left a lot of her stuff behind when she moved out).

On Sunday I had a nice, long soak in the bath before heading over to Simon's parents' hotel for lunch in "Abigail's Buttery". The hotel is wonderfully old-fashioned and luxurious with full wood panelling and traditional ceiling friezes. Simon and I both had melon for starters. Simon's parents and I had roast pork and Simon had roast beef. Simon finished off with chocolate mousse and I had the fruits of the forest cheesecake (I know - cheesecake again!). Janet had fruit pavlova and Dennys had fresh fruit salad. They visited again in the evening but left early to give us some time together.
We got up early on Monday to do some food shopping before Simon headed off down the cinema. I had a nice relaxing day watching a series of Red Dwarf (Simon has them all on DVD) and eating a light lunch. Simon had planned to cook the Steak & Kidney pie his mum had brought down for us but he wasn't hungry after the burger at the cinema so I persuaded him to cook a couple of wraps instead once his parents had departed. I remembered to give them the Clotted Cream Fudge & Toffees I had bought them in Swanage.

Tuesday was my day. I got up early to say goodbye to Simon's parents but then went back to bed as I was feeling exhausted. I didn't wake up till 1pm :(. However I was wonderfully rested until I received a phone call from a colleague at work asking for an hour of my time to test a product from outside the work network. After getting incredibly irritated by the aforementioned product and the lack of speed from my home connection I gave up but apparently my efforts did help. It didn't make me feel particularly relaxed though :(. I watched a bit of TV before taking a couple of headache tablets and lying down again. It is interesting that I had no headaches when I was on holiday in Swanage or over the weekend up until I started using the laptop and thinking about work stuff.

Karen xxx

This year I got a lift with my parents down to Swanage as Simon had decided fuel prices were too high to make the journey. Swanage is my resting place and I feel a totally different person there with my family around me. It is very beautiful and I find it difficult to believe I am actually there.

We had to delay leaving for a day as Simon's company were holding a Summer Ball at a local showground on the Saturday evening. I had spent the weekend before looking for an evening dress and eventually found a wonderfully flowing red dress. After catching the coach to the venue and seeing a lot of familiar faces, we had drinks in the foyer. There were a lot of new faces too as the company was recently bought out by a local shipping firm. The food was good with a variety of fish, meat and vegetarian options (I felt very full). An unusual touch was a small bottle of bubbles per person (I had great fun blowing bubbles all evening). The entertainment consisted of a band called "The Talent" who were incredibly entertaining. We had a very enjoyable time and I felt much closer to Simon - so much so I was sorry to be going away the next day.

Simon dropped me off at my parents early on the Sunday. I was sad to see him go but soon settled back into my parents house while I waited for them to get ready. We ended up leaving at 10:45am instead of 9am as I was told but made good time despite avoiding a blockage on the M3 and a short unexpected detour through Guildford (towns are not well sign-posted). Aunt Josie provided a scrumptious meal when we arrived. After 5 hours in the car with my parents I was glad to have some space and I spent the evening with Alan watching Spiderman 3.

I need to explain a little more about Alan (my cousin) and the influence he has over me. Alan is (and always has been) my favourite cousin. He is full of life and has no fear so can do anything he wants - the total opposite of me. He is a builder by trade and is incredibly strong with opinions which often offend. As second in command in the company he works long hours but seems a very fair boss. We are probably closer than cousins really should be but he has always looked after me and is very protective. We have always been rough with each other which shows in the way we interact but he never shows an interest in anyone in public (least of all me). When we are alone he is attentive but not very talkative whereas when in company he barely says Hello. We don't talk at all between my visits yet we remain close. Too close.

My evening with Alan was pleasant although he made his feelings about Simon quite clear in a single sentence - he doesn't like Simon. Spending time with Alan confused me as I have known him for a long time. I respect his advice but he does come from a completely different background to mine and has been much more free with his relationships. In fact I struggle to keep track of his partners. When I am with Alan I enjoy our closeness but I always think I should feel guilty as we are cousins.

On Monday we had a lazy day wandering around the shops and visiting the Tourist Information Centre before Mum and I joined Aunt Josie and Uncle Nigel at the beach hut. It is fabulous relaxing while sitting and doing nothing in the sun with a cup of tea and a large slice of cake. Unfortunately I managed to get sunburned which spoiled the next couple of days but it was worth it for the rest. The beach hut affords a panoramic view of the bay including the downs on both sides and is situated on the privately-owned beach (there is barely room to move on the public beach).

On Tuesday Aunt Josie had a dentist appointment in Bournemouth so proposed that Mum and I go swimming with her afterwards in the Christchurch swimming pool. Aunt Josie has mobility problems and the local pool does not have suitable steps. While we waited for Aunt Josie in Bournemouth we wandered the local shops and found an amazing place with incense and calming music. When we reached Christchurch, the pool is absolutely lovely and we all enjoyed a good swim until the toddlers invaded the main pool. Summer holidays suck :(. On the way home we had lunch at a pleasant café, visited Waitrose (where I bought far too much as usual) and Makro (where Mum and Aunt Josie bought a necklace for Aunt Margaret's birthday).

On Wednesday we had a lazy morning and headed up to Nan's in the afternoon. Mum is currently completing a family tree so we spent hours looking through old and newer photos of the family. She spent some time explaining to Nan all the details she had found out which upset Nan a little as she doesn't like thinking about the past. Nan is very frail now and seems more than a little depressed. I am worried that she won't be with us much longer but she has made friends with the gardener and he often brings company. She has taken to baking cakes for him and knitting his grandchildren clothing. In the evening I was going a little nuts being in such a full household after living practically on my own for so long. After crashing about for a while I watched CSI with Alan in his room before finally drifting off to sleep on my bed in the dining room.

On Thursday I was feeling very delicate after the episode the night before so I had a lazy morning before heading out to the shops. I visited a local candle shop, "Curiousity" which contains all kinds of ornaments, "Boots" for some little luxuries and I bought some mind puzzles in "Cloud 9" as I needed something to do with my hands. I enjoyed a lamb burger at "Dino's" with a banana thick shake (basically runny flavoured ice-cream) as we were going out to dinner later than usual. In the evening we went to a local pub for food and then moved onto a quaint pub called the "Square and Compass" in Worth Matravers which has it's own fossil museum. There is no bar - punters simply shout their orders through a doorway and beer is served directly from the casks. There was a poet in the main room so we sat in a tiny room (only three large tables) with benches around the edges and chairs cut from tree trunks (incredibly heavy). I had a very interesting chat with Uncle Nigel about epilepsy, manic depression and my feelings for Simon. It gave me a lot to think about.

On Friday I had a leisurely morning bathing and then headed up Durlston Park for a 4 hour walk. My parents spent the day on the steam railway. I followed the main road up to the park and then cut through to the Coast Path. The views are absolutely amazing and it's so quiet amongst the trees on the cliff top - especially after the crowds in town and on the beach. I walked the length of Durlston Bay to the drop-off before the Lighthouse but I was not in the mood to either climb down or up a steep slope so I headed back to the Visitors Centre. After picking up a couple of maps and a lovely ice-pop I headed off into the fields on top of the cliff and up a very steep slope. When I finally reached the top (I am very, very unfit) it felt wonderful as I had overcome my fear of falling and was really enjoying the view. It was absolutely breath-taking at the top and so far above the Lighthouse and the sea. I couldn't quite believe I had climbed so far up the field. I could have stayed there forever but it was getting late so I continued on the path through the fields attempting to follow the signposts. I am pretty sure I ended up on public footpaths rather than the trail but I was getting tired and was pleased to see the Visitor's Centre again. I followed the Coast Path back down to the main road into town finding several interesting stone seats along the way. I was pleasantly tired and went to bed early after listening to some of an audio book I had borrowed from Aunt Josie.

At 1am my mobile rang and I leapt out of bed not wanting to wake the household. I didn't think I needed to put it on silent. Alan had forgotten his keys - would I please open the door? So I wandered to the front door, unlocked it and let him in. He didn't seem very drunk but it was clear he had been drinking quite a lot. We had a bit of a rough-and-tumble in his room like we used to but he got very rough and hurt me. I put up with it for a while but eventually Alan was particularly rude calling me weak and told me to get out. I was understandably upset that he had been so rough and I missed the more gentlemanly Alan I was used to.

On Saturday morning I had bruised ribs and I was barely talking to Alan. He ate a hearty breakfast before heading off to work without any reference to his behaviour of the night before. I think he was vaguely aware that I was in some pain as I struggled to stand up from the table to help serve our breakfast. The rest of the day we visited Nan's where I explored the house and garden. I am not sure why but I felt that I might not see it again. We had a lovely chat about the family and how Nan has been occupying her time. I really didn't want to leave. When I returned to the house I had a text message from Alan apologising as he "may have been a bit rude" the night before. When he returned home he apologised in person although he didn't remember anything from the night before. In the evening my parents, aunt and uncle went to a local pub but I had a quiet evening having a nice, long soak in the bath and listening to the audio tapes. Alan had a lady-friend visiting and was listening to loud music so I didn't get much of an early night.

We had a visit from Collette (Alan's sister) and her two girls on Saturday morning (she cleans the house) and I can't believe how big they are getting. Steven (Alan's brother) visited with his two (boy and girl) on Sunday morning briefly. It's the first time I have met his youngest and she is almost old enough to go to school. It made a change to see Steven who I haven't seen for many years. My family appears to be expanding exponentially!

On Sunday afternoon Dad and I headed into town while Mum and Uncle Nigel went on a "smugglers" walk around Worth Matravers (Aunt Josie gave them a lift and then waited in the car). We bought clotted cream fudge and toffees for friends before having a cuppa, buying some penguins figurines for Simon and watching the engine steam around to the other end and fill up from the water tower. It was a lovely afternoon made especially nice as we had a double cheeseburger and a thick shake each from "Dino's". In the evening after a full roast dinner I watched Top Gear with Alan and was reminded of his almost fanatical love of cars. It is wonderful to hear him talk so enthusiastically about cars or his outdoor pursuits (i.e. rock climbing or jumping off bridges). As it was my last night he said a quick goodbye before getting on with some admin for work the next day. I listened to some more of the audio book before falling asleep very late.

On Monday I was awake early as I couldn't sleep. I wanted to say goodbye to Alan before he left for work and I had a nice cup of tea. I was hoping for a hug but Alan isn't a morning person and was gone before I could ask. I was a bit upset he had left so quickly but I soon got over it. After a full cooked breakfast we loaded the car and departed at 11:45am. I had almost finished the audio book due to the early morning and constant listening while my parents loaded the car so I borrowed the last tape. We arrived back at Mum's at 5:15pm and I listened to the final side of the tape leaving it with Mum to return to Aunt Josie at the birthday party the next weekend. At this point I was very upset and I really didn't want the holiday to end. It's not like me to be so weepy but I often get upset when I leave my Aunt's house. I hate to leave them as they mean so much to me (especially Alan). Next time we visit Alan will have moved out again so I doubt if I will see much of him. I might ask Andy down to Swanage as he likes walking and Aunt Josie is happy to put us up in separate rooms. I need to get a lot fitter if I am to keep up with Andy though!

When I arrived home at about 7pm, Simon and I settled down to eat Chinese takeaway and to watch the film "Antz" which I love. It was a nice evening to finish my holiday on despite the thought of going back to work the next day.

I spent the next few days in emotional confusion but eventually concluded that I love Simon and I can't be without him. I may have been a totally different person in Swanage but then I always am and Simon can be very sweet when he wants to be. We'll just have to see how it works out :). I even managed to deal with the emotions arising from Alan's rough treatment as I have some great friends at work who talked me through it.

Karen xxx

May 2008

The sealant didn't work in February so we struggled on with almost no heating until May (and it snowed!!!). After the initial hard work of clearing all the radiators there was only minimal disruption and it was all done in 3 days. We then had to frantically clean and put everything back before Janet visited for her birthday week. I have never been so exhausted!

Janet and Dennys' visit was nice and they made good use of the house while we were at work. Unfortunately they visited from Tuesday to Friday and as Simon works two of those nights he wasn't around much. We did manage to have dinner together at the Hotel Elizabeth Orwell where they were staying.

June 2008

Testing at work overtook the majority of June with two releases at work in quick succession leaving me little energy for the evenings and weekends. Towards the end of the month I started spring cleaning ready for visitors in July and managed to keep the front garden under reasonable control.

July 2008

I started receiving physiotherapy for my ankle this month. My recovery seems to have reached a plateau so I requested a referral. My therapist is very nice although she did break up the scar tissue (painful and bruising) and put me on a machine to improve my balance (hard work). I am also still attending Shiatsu therapy for stress and anxiety.

Last week I hosted my first PartyLite candle party in July. Sadly only 3 people (apart from family) made it and we had to improvise as the consultant was ill. However, everyone seemed to have a good time and I got a little commission. I enjoy the candles and I was pleased to be able to share them. As an added bonus I got to see my primary school friend, Carleen, for the first time in years.

It was a mad rush to clear up and pack for an offsite meeting the following two days. We stayed in Ufford Park Hotel which has it's own golf course and leisure facilities. I used the pool both evenings and enjoyed the sauna and steam room on the second evening. The food was good although the beds were rather hard. It was great to catch up with everyone as our team is so spread out. All were exhausted on the Friday after the event.

Last Sunday we attended an open day at the Kirton Light Railway to support the St Elizabeth Hospice. Unfortunately the queue for a train ride was very long but we enjoyed browsing and having drinks with cake. It's a very impressive railway that the owner built from scratch (including the engines) and requires a lot of maintenance.

This week we are end-to-end testing the new features and regression testing the existing portlets. It is not going as smoothly as we had hoped but it rarely does. I just hope we can be productive for the next couple of days to ensure the system is as stable as possible.

Looking ahead...

August promises to be a good month with two breaks from work visiting family and celebrating my birthday with a visit from Janet and Dennys. In addition I am finally coming off the anti-depressants.

September brings the annual Grand Henham Steam Rally which is always fun :).

In October we are again visiting family and hope to explore some of the local attractions whilst looking after our favourite feline.

Karen xxx