October 2011 General Conference
One of these days I will get the time and the energy to contribute something to this blog. I hope it is sooner rather than later. In the mean time, please watch General Conference.
Step 8
Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.
First of all, it is comforting that at this point we are only asked to “become willing” to make restitution to everyone we have wronged.
I was asked to teach the lesson during my ward’s Elders’ Quorum meeting last week. They asked me to simply look through the reports from the last General Conference and find something that I felt prompted to share. After reading several talks, a talk about pride, given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, really spoke to me. I happened to be visiting my wife’s family for the Thanksgiving holiday at the time, which is always an opportunity to exercise patience. My personality is such that I find nearly everyone annoying somewhere/somehow. Anyway, making my way through this talk really got me thinking about how pride manifests itself in my life. On the surface, I don’t think of myself as a very prideful person—I’ve actually gone through periods of pretty intense self-hatred—but I’ve realized that I am actually filled with pride.
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I started this post over a month ago, but I never got around to posting it. I think I was wanting to add more to this, but at this point I think this is best to simply leave as it is, and move forward.
Hopefully I can find the time and the motivation to be a bit more diligent around here.
Step 7
Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this step, hence the month-long lag in getting it posted. At first this step seems pretty easy and obvious, and in many ways it is. We have already admitted that we, by ourselves, are powerless over our addictions. We have admitted that God can restore us to complete spiritual health. We have decided to turn our wills over to God. Step 7 seems like a pretty logical step in this process, therefore.
I think that what makes this step difficult, though, is that we have to truly believe that in asking we will receive. It is one thing to believe in the possibility that Christ’s atonement might be able to remove our shortcomings, but it is quite another to believe that He actually will. We tend to believe that we have somehow sinned beyond our allotted amount, that the Atonement is sufficient for everyone else’s sins, but ours simply require too much of the Savior.
I appreciate that this step begins with the word “humbly.” Humility, as always, is perhaps the most important ingredient to this step.
Step 6
Become entirely ready to have God remove all of your character weaknesses.
The most wonderful thing about Step 6 is that God can and will remove our character weaknesses. Still, we must be ready for this to take place.
A funny thing about addiction is that, as much as I want to be rid of my addictions and all that they entail, there is a part of me that isn’t really ready for that. There is a part of me that will be sad, in a way, to see those things disappear. I’ve built a life, a way of coping with stress, an identity around my addictive behaviors. They have been present for a long time. This is where I think the challenge of being “ready” lies—ready for a life removed of the things that separate us from the Spirit, and replaced by one that is filled with It, no matter how lonely, desperate, or frightening that might seem; ready to simply allow the Lord to make of us what He will.
It seems a common characteristic that people who struggle with addictive behaviors also tend to be ones who struggle with a desire to control everything around them. I know that this is certainly the case with myself. This is exactly the opposite of what the Lord needs from us; He needs us to quit trying to control things, He needs us to “be still and know that [He is] God.” Ironically, I think it is this tendency toward being in control that leads us into addictive behaviors. I am learning that in indulging in my addictions, I am trying to create a world where I am in charge. I use my addictions to try and control those around me.
At first, Step 6 seems pretty harmless; of course I am willing to be “ready to have God remove all of [my] character weaknesses.” But, as I’ve thought about it, that “readiness” is really a life-long pursuit toward humility and submissiveness.
We need not only believe in the idea that Christ has suffered for our sins, but we need to believe Christ when he says that he will forgive us. It is easy to believe that it is possible for someone else’s sins to be forgiven, it is easy to believe in the possibility of salvation, but it is quite another to believe Christ when he tells us that our sins can be (and are) forgiven. I have always found it easy to theorize that the Atonement makes repentance possible, but have often placed myself outside of Its realm of possibility—certainly the Savior can’t forgive something as vile as what I’ve done!
I am learning more and more each day that the Plan of Salvation is so much more about learning to trust God, and learning to be patient and humble than it is about doing anything.
Step 5
Step 5 is about the only thing scarier than Step 4!
Step 5:
Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.
I’ve been thinking about the meaning(s) of this step for a long time, hence my several-month-long absence. On the surface, it seems like Step 5 is about little else other than public humiliation. I know that, for me, this step seems like an exercise in airing dirty laundry in public. As I’ve been thinking about this, though, two things have come to me.
First, I think Step 5 is a further step toward the complete humility that the Savior asks of us. I don’t say “humility” in that we are ashamed of ourselves, but that we recognize how much we need the Savior’s assistance. Diving into our past, admitting our grossest sins focuses our attention on the absolute necessity for the Savior in our recovery.
Second, I think that making this admission helps us to finally be honest with ourselves about the reality of our position. It is so easy, so tempting to try and down-play the severity of our addiction. We think that we have it “under control” or that it is that big of a deal. We pretend that the problem is smaller than it is. By confronting it head on, by look at it straight in the face, we acknowledge how desperately we need to change, how hopelessly we have tried, and how completely we must rely upon the Savior instead of ourselves.
Also, I think there is a certain calming effect that takes place as we “lay our burdens” down.
Admitting our faults (and all of their ugly details) to a priesthood authority and to another person is certainly the most frightening part of this process. We are afraid of ridicule, of discipline, of embarrassment. I can’t say that I am fully comfortable with divulging everything to someone else, but I understand that until I am willing to fully accept whatever consequences might await me, I have not yet reached that point of complete humility. We mustn’t fear man more than God.
In all actuality, people are a whole lot more compassionate, understanding, and forgiving than I think we like to believe. Sure, there are lots of people out there who might use these pieces of information against us, or who might choose to cease associating with us, but as a whole, I think we find that those around us are excited, hopeful, and encouraged that we are trying to recover from our addictions.
I pray that I can find the strength to follow through with Step 5.
P.S. I am feeling kind of rusty in my thinking and articulation, please bear with me as I try to gain some momentum ‘round here.
A Return
It has officially been over five months since my last post. Back on March 21, I agreed to post once a week, a goal which lasted about five weeks. I’ve been wanting to revisit this forum, wanting to write some new thoughts, but I’ve stopped myself several times. I have a certain perfectionistic personality trait that kept telling me that I could only come back if I could tie up all of the loose ends, if I could tell some grand narrative to close the gap I’ve created over the last five months. Finally, after 20+ weeks, I’ve decided to ignore that impulse, and simply approach this post humbly and quietly.
I do plan on continuing my discussion of the 12-steps. I suppose, in some ways my elongated absence is rather apropos, as Step 5 (the post that never came) is perhaps the biggest, most terrifying step in the process of recovery.
I sincerely appreciate all of the attention this blog has been getting, and I am humbled by its popularity. I feel overwhelmed, at times, by the sense of responsibility that popularity instills, but I do want to continue to explore, express, and experience the Gospel in whatever ways I can.
Another reason I’ve been absent is that I’ve been grappling with some desires to treat some more “controversial” (for lack of a better word) topics here. Being an academic, I often find myself exploring things to an exhaustive end, constantly analyzing everything to death. I still haven’t decided either way as to those more “controversial” topics, but, as with everything, I need to not let those hangups keep me from moving forward. I’ve done that too much already.
So, I ask you all to forgive me for my absence, and forgive me for what might have seemed liked ambivalence. It wasn’t. I’ve been thinking about this forum a lot. I’ve recognized a huge slump in my “spirituality” lately, and I know that returning to this discussion (among other things) will help me find my spiritual bearings.
Thanks for your patience.
Step 4
Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.
That sounds like about the scariest thing (save what is coming in Step 5) that I could do. Honestly, looking into the deep, dark depths of myself is quite a frightening prospect.
I am not quite sure what to make of this step, actually.
I’ve been thinking about how to approach this for a few days now; it is actually three days later that I am now writing this sentence. I’ve been trying to make sense out of what this step might mean, about what its role might be in the Gospel as well as in healing.
At first glance, it seems like it is mostly concerned with beating the addict (or sinner, in the Gospel context) when he is down. He has admitted that he has a problem and that he is out of control—now he is forced to outline everything dirty that he has done. Perhaps it is my conscience speaking, or my depressive vulnerabilities, but I don’t really feel that I need any reminders as to how vile a sinner I am. I feel like I do an adequate enough job of flogging myself for my weaknesses. Sitting down to write out the details seems only like more self-torture.
As I have been contemplating this, though, two things have come to mind. First, I wonder if this step is meant as a step toward total humility. Perhaps this “moral inventory” is an attempt to push us closer to an understanding of our need for 100% reliance upon the “tender mercies of the Lord.” Perhaps seeing our follies laid out in front of us helps us grasp how utterly and desperately we need the Savior.
The second idea that I have about this is that, given what comes in Step 5 (an admission of guilt to other people), that perhaps this is a step toward really, truly ridding oneself of everything that is weighing them down.
I’ve been thinking a lot about humility lately. I’ve been meaning to post my many musings on the topic ever since I discussed Step 1, but have just overwhelmed with “everything else.” As I have already been thinking about this quite a bit, I am drawn to my first thought listed above. I am fully aware of how far “off the mark” I am in terms of God-like living, but I think that this inventory does more than simply re-emphasize that fact. I think that what it does is helps me realize that despite all of those things, despite the thousands of counts against me, it is still possible to be made whole—the Atonement is that powerful. Even more importantly, the Atonement is that personal. Jesus Christ offers me a healing of every ailment I list, he offers a cure to every bruise; He offers me those things. He doesn’t only offer that healing to those who have done better than have I, he doesn’t only offer the cure to those whose lists are much shorter than mine; He offers these things to someone whose symptoms are exactly mine.
I can’t say that this is the first thing that jumps to mind when I think of Step 4. But, having faith in this process, I am learning that sometimes we learn why afterward.
Step 3
“Decide to turn your will and your life over to God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.”
Given what we are asked to do in Step 2, Step 3 seems rather natural. Still, our wills are funny things. We might be completely convinced of something intellectually, even emotionally, but when it comes to actually doing something (in case, giving in to something bigger than ourselves), we crumble. This is why diets and exercise plans so frequently fail. Everyone knows that getting up and going for a 40-minute run in the morning is better than sleeping in, and that, in the long run (no pun intended) the 40 minutes of exercise will make the,=m happier and healthier, but, when given the choice, most of us choose sleeping in.
What I love about The Atonement of Jesus Christ is its infiniteness. No matter how many times I try to “turn my will over to God,” but then take it back, the same rules apply. No matter how many times I have to start over, I am given the same Welcome-Home party. I need lots of “do-overs.”
I’ve always been a fan of Zen koans. For this reason, the Beatitudes hold a special place in my heart (not that all of Christ’s teaching don’t hold a special place…) because of their koan-like qualities. It is so counterintuitive to say, “He that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” Yet, that is exactly the solution Step 3 offers, and that is exactly always the solution. By ourselves, we are really only good at one thing and that is distancing ourselves from God. When left completely to my own devices, I land myself in spiritual peril rather quickly. But, our minds tell us that we are capable of finding the way on our own.
In many ways, the Plan of Salvation is an exercise in doing what is not immediately intuitive (from an intellectual standpoint). This is includes submitting ourselves to the “will of the Lord” rather than fighting to find our own way.
Step 2
“Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.”
This is the center of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. This is the crux of the Plan of Salvation.
Of all of the things that I believe, I believe this more resolutely and deeply than any other: that I can be made whole. I believe that Jesus Christ, through His great atonement, has the ability and opportunity to take my sins from me, to restore me to complete and total spiritual strength.
I used to, for a long time, on believe in this idea. I believed in Christ, and I believed that He could same people from sin, but I wasn’t so convinced that he could save me. I didn’t believe Him when He said His sacrifice was sufficient for me. I thought it might be sufficient for most people, or even for everyone else, but it certainly wasn’t sufficient for me. I felt that I had betrayed Him too many times, that I had worn out my welcome.
I like to think of myself as being in control of my life (we all do). I like to think of myself as having power over the things round me. Yet, no matter my strength, no matter how much I think I can control things, I can’t heal myself. I can’t, no matter how many good deeds I do, no matter how many times I go to the temple, or feed the poor, make my self spiritually well by myself. Jesus Christ is the only one whose bandages are big enough and whose solvents powerful enough to cleanse my soul.
And so it is with addictions, whatever they might be. Our addictive impulses overtake us, leaving us powerless; so powerless, in fact, that only the power of God can pull us from their grasps.
Step 1
Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
That is easy for me to do. I would imagine it is for many people, as it takes a certain amount of humility to even approach these steps.
Of value on a spiritual level is the principle of humility. We like to believe that we are great and wonderful, that we are important. But, as King Benjamin teaches us, we are all beggars. We owe all that we have and are to our Father in Heaven. This is not to say that we are insignificant, for we aren’t; what it is saying is that we are all equal before God in that we are all sinners, and that we are all dependent upon Him for every breath.
Until we are willing to be humble, willing to admit that we owe all that we are to something outside ourselves, we will continue to flounder and wander spiritually, just as we will in battling our demons.
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