Expect Miracles

Yeah, this is only my second blog post of the year. I’m still considering it a success.

The pain and fatigue had a small victory this weekend. I missed work on Friday and today, am missing church for the first time in years. I don’t share this to air out dirty laundry or to boast or anything of the sort. In fact, I don’t really want to share it at all, because it is deeply personal and seems to change people’s perception of me and often leads to a bombardment of “How are you feeling?” questions, which honestly, I hate hearing. On one hand, if I respond honestly and say, “I feel like crap”, then it either turns into an unwanted pity party full of unsure responses or the equally unwanted bombardment by well-intentioned individuals offering the latest and greatest cure. On the other hand, if I respond with, “I’m good”, well, then I’m lying, and I hate lying. In addition, I kind of like that most people have no idea what kind of pain I’m in every day. However, I feel there’s someone out there that needs to hear it, and since I have no clue who that person is, here goes.       

I consider my life a bit of a miracle. There have been several times that I shouldn’t have made it and I did. Yeah, I’ve suffered a few illnesses and mishaps and received a few diagnoses over the years (collapsed lungs, bacterial spinal meningitis, strabismus, chronic migraines, severe allergies, tumors, cysts, a degenerative spine disorder, broken bones, sprains, scoliosis, a muscle spasm disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Tempromandibular Joint Disorder, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, stomach ulcers, acid reflux, chronic infections, and a high susceptibility to viruses just to name a few). However, I’m also supposed to be blind, deaf, severely cognitively impaired, and dead, among other things. Sure, I can’t hear the greatest and we all might wonder from time to time about my intellectual capacity, but if you ask me, it’s still a miracle.          

Earlier this year, Elder David A. Bednar gave a devotional entitled “That We Might ‘Not Shrink’” in which he spoke of having the faith to not be healed. The talk resonated with me, not because I think God can’t heal me but because I’m not so sure being entirely healed is part of His plan for me while I’m here on earth. I have overcome or at least learned to manage a number of the ailments listed above. I’ve been on about a bagillion different medication regimens over the years, stuck to strict diets, and tried about every natural remedy out there. Some of it has helped. Most of it hasn’t, and I continue to deal with a pretty significant amount of pain on a daily basis. AND THAT’S OKAY. I’ve received countless priesthood blessings over the years, few of which have promised complete healing, but all of which have promised the necessary strength to accomplish the work the Lord has me here to do. And I’m pretty sure the last time I checked, that’s the part that mattered. The resurrection can take care of the rest.        

There were times as a child when my mom had to read my homework to me because my head hurt so bad I couldn’t do it on my own. I often had to have hot baths and back massages just to be able to sleep. But I never gave-up (and thankfully, neither did my parents) and I learned at a young age that pain and illness could only keep me from my dreams if I allowed it. I remember days on the mission when I would be in so much pain, that my companion and I would find an empty room in between meetings at church, and I would be curled-up in a ball on the floor, unsure if I would be able to get up again. But I did. And I would never trade the trials for the immense blessings of serving the incredible people of Missouri and Kansas. Sometimes tears stream down my face driving home from work because the pain is so intense. But I have a job. And I work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. Is every day a battle? Yes.  Do I want to give up sometimes? Of course. Is it all worth it? Most definitely.            

None of us like to watch each other suffer (okay, except for the few sociopaths here and there, and even then I wonder). However, trials and tribulations were part of the deal that we signed-up for—“For there must needs be, that there is opposition in all things.” But why? In the same talk I referenced earlier, Elder Bednar quotes a former apostle, Orson F. Whitney, “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God....and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.” And that right there is why I’m okay if I’m not completely healed in this life. 

So, to all of those out there suffering any sort of chronic illness—I get it. More importantly, God gets it, and He sees the big picture that we often miss. Paul said, “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us” (Romans 8:18). I believe him. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland encouraged us: “if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.” So keep pressing forward. Be strong (and that includes asking for help when you need it). And above all, expect miracles, because you are one. 

Well hello again blogging world

Well, I'm going to have to be honest. I went on a mission and forgot I had a blog. I forgot about my days as an editor-in-chief for a nonprofit organization and would have forgotten about my love for writing had it not been for the weekly emails I sent to friends and family about the adventures, mishaps, and life-shaping events during the year and a half I spent in America's Heartland sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ. Recently, after being home a couple of months, one of my faithful-mission-email-readers asked if I had a blog, and I remembered I did! So, hello again world! It's good to be back and have somewhere to share the thoughts on my mind.

My first topic of thought comes from a religion class I attended last night. Chris, the guest speaker of the night, introduced himself as a psychologist and so my interest was instantly piqued. He wrote the word behavior on the white board and my therapist self was saying "No joke" as Chris proceeded to talk about our society's heavy focus on behavior. Then, he took the topic deeper as he talked about motivation and intent behind behavior and how we treat others, a topic highly ignored by society as a whole. Ultimately, he explained, there are two different ways that we see people: 1. As a person, or 2. As an object. A topic I had explored before but one that was good to revisit.

Each of us has feelings, hopes, dreams, desires, likes, dislikes, wants, needs. We are acutely aware of these things. When we see someone else as a person, we realize that they too have feelings, hopes, dreams, desires, likes, dislikes, wants, and needs as well. We seek to be understanding of them. We give them the benefit of the doubt.

Unfortunately, oft times we see others as objects. The people in front of us in line at the grocery store become obstacles to us as they are the only thing between us and our next pursuit in life. We suck-up to our boss and use them as a vehicle to our success. Our struggling friend becomes irrelevant to us when that oh-so-important text pops-up on our phone. We allow fellow children of God to become seemingly lifeless objects in our path.

I found Chris' point intriguing and all too true. My initial thought was "Oh no, not me! For a living, I spend my time helping people know that I see them as a person." But as I thought about it, I realized that even moments before I had been seeing others as objects, and it was a wake-up call to me. It is something about which each of us should stop and think. So maybe the next time someone cuts us off in traffic or a loved one says something hurtful or we feel we're going unnoticed or unloved, we can remember that we're surrounded not by lifeless objects, but by other people with thoughts, feelings, insecurities, pains, hurts, troubles, and hearts. We're all children of God, eternal brothers and sisters, here to help each other along in this mortal sojourn. Let's remember that. I know I'm going to try to be better.

How I Decided to Serve a Mission

It all started back in January. I remember at New Years feeling like this year was going to be significant somehow, but it seemed nothing was going to happen as time went on.

Shortly into the year, I was beginning my preparations to go back to Ukraine in September, so I was checking into plane tickets and collecting socks for the orphans and all like I had before. I kept getting this feeling I shouldn't go because there was something else I was supposed to be doing, and I thought, "What's the big deal? It's only for a week or two?" However, I kept getting the feeling and eventually told the delegation leaders I wouldn't be able to go but I didn't know why. They were very understanding.

Then, in April, my roommate and I were beginning to look for places to live. Well, my roommate told me she wasn't moving with me as she felt she was supposed to go in a different direction, and so I started looking on my own (don't worry, we are still great friends). I kept getting the prompting that I wasn't supposed to sign a lease. I wondered how on earth I would find a place without a lease (next to impossible in Arizona). Then I had the thought, "It would be cool to just live with a family for awhile" and I thought, "What on earth would possess me to do that? And how on earth will I find a family to live with?" Well, I brought that thought up while with some friends, and my friend Julie said, "Why don't you rent a room from my aunt and uncle?" So...I did...and when I first came over here, I had the thought, "This is good for now, but you won't live here long" which I thought was interesting.

The entire year leading up to this point, I have been saving half of my paycheck every week for a down payment on a house...or so I thought. The past few months, I have kept having impressions that I was supposed to be using the money for something else.

Also, for the past several months, I have been working towards quitting my job and starting my private practice, but didn't want to quit the job until I had things in place. My colleague at the private practice and I had made a lot of progress and had gotten to the point where I was ready to take on clients, but hadn’t done so yet. I woke up the morning of July 5, and got the prompting, "You need to quit your job when you get to work today"

So, I did.

...with no idea where my income would be coming from 3 weeks later.

I also had the prompting that day that I wouldn't know which direction I was supposed to take until after I quit my job.

Well, the entire week after putting in my notice, I was praying for guidance and direction, and working my tail off on stuff for the private practice (ordering business cards, getting malpractice insurance in place, etc). But I kept having this feeling (and have all along while pursuing the private practice) that while it was good, it wasn't best (you know...good, better, best), and that something was missing that I was supposed to be doing.

That takes this whole story up until Sunday, July 10th. I had my temple recommend renewal interview with my bishop and I shared this all with him. He said he didn't know how to help me, but that I needed to get on my knees...which I had been doing, but I decided to put forth a little more effort and really map out all the ideas I'd been thinking about.

By no means was I expecting an answer that day.

I got out a big sheet of paper and made a web diagram with all of the ideas I was considering. I had stuff on there like build up my photo business, private practice, going to visit family, mission, peace corps, etc, etc.

Then I prayed to have guidance as I studied things out and tried to make a choice.

Then I sent an email to a friend who served in the Peace Corps asking him about it.

And I also sent an email to two good girlfriends who just got home from missions asking them how they decided to go

Then I read my patriarchal blessing and noticed a section that basically said straight up I was going to serve a mission (where was that part of the blessing the last 12 years?!?!)

Then I called my mom about something completely unrelated and ended up talking about how I didn't know what to do with my life (though at this point was already thinking of a mission). She asked if I had read my patriarchal blessing and I told her about just reading it and my thoughts about it and she said how she always thought I should go on a mission and how she and her husband had been talking about it at dinner that night (?!?!?) and how my psychology and social work degrees would help me so much. I felt calm talking about this idea, and all of the confusion and chaos I had felt earlier was leaving.

THEN my friend (one of the ones I emailed about her mission) called me.

She said that she had A STORY for me! Mind you, I haven't seen her in years and have never mentioned a mission. She said she had been at a fireside that night where Sheri Dew was speaking, and in the middle of it had this thought I was going to serve a mission!

Afterwards, she saw the email I had sent and freaked out! We talked for about an hour and a half, and I felt it was the confirmation I needed. I vocalized,  "I'm going on a mission!" I couldn't believe it even as I said the words, but I knew it was true. I felt even more calm and that this was the right decision for me. She told me I needed to call another one of my friends who was about to leave on his mission to Billings, Montana. I did so, and he was SUPER EXCITED...I’m pretty sure he’s more excited than me. He shared with me something he had learned in mission prep that day that he realized he had heard for me. He just wanted to know why I hadn’t decided sooner so we could have been preparing together. :o)

Anyway...that’s how I decided to go on my mission, and there have been more confirmations since then. I am excited to dedicate all of my time for 18 months in serving God and His children! It’s gonna be the best! :) Salt Lake will be meeting about my papers TOMORROW!!! And pretty soon here I will know where I'm going to be serving!

You Can Change

**Some names have been changed in this post to protect identities. This post is adapted from a recent letter to a friend.

I've given a lot more thought to the atonement lately. I have had some interesting experiences in the past month or so that have led me to ponder more on it. I recently went to visit my good friend, Miles**, in jail. Miles hasn't had the easiest life. His biological mother was a drug addict, and Miles was adopted by a different family where he continued to struggle throughout his growing up years. He turned to drugs at an early age and became well acquainted with rehab and juvenile detention centers. Heroin found him and he in turn lost himself.

At one point in time, Miles lived with me and a roommate. He was in early recovery when he moved in with us and was starting to slip. He relapsed and went downhill fast. It wasn't safe to have him continue to live with us, and he robbed us the day I kicked him out and subsequently robbed 22 other houses over the next few months, eventually being picked-up by the authorities for armed robbery. His plea is for a minimum of 11 years in prison, though at his first sentencing they postponed it to try to add more to his sentence and could sentence him for up to 25 years.

Anyhow, that's kind of the background story. Miles is like family to me. I will always consider him my brother. When he is sober, he is incredible! He is the sweetest kid and has a heart of gold. He would entertain us for hours with his humor. I miss him dearly.

About a month ago, my old roommate and I found out we could go visit him in jail before he went to prison. So, that's exactly what we did. When we finally got to walk through those heavy, metal doors, he was the first inmate we could see in the glass box, and I have never seen a grin so big on someone's face. I was filled with mixed feelings-I was so excited to see him, but it was heart breaking to see him in stripes, behind glass, chained to the wall. It was torturous talking on the phones through the glass. I wanted to freakin' throw a rock through the blasted glass and give him a bear hug!!

I was overcome with compassion both for Miles and the other inmates there. I was filled with our Savior's love for them and knew they could repent and change and follow Christ. Miles talked about how he had been reading the Bible but lost it when he transferred pods (housing unit) and was now reading the Book of Mormon again. In his letters, he talks about how he looks forward to someday getting married in the temple. And I know that through the atonement, it's something that's actually possible for him.

The second story was that also during the past month, I got to watch one of my friends, Joseph**, go through the temple. It was INCREDIBLE!! Now, it's always incredible to see a friend go through the temple, but this time was really special considering how far Joseph had come. Joseph, like Miles, had a difficult growing up experience and lived the worldly life before having the gospel become a part of his life. Since becoming active in the church, he is truly a new person.

While we were sitting in the session, I was overwhelmed again by the power of the atonement. Here was someone that most people had given up on, and I think in a lot of ways he gave up on himself at some points in his life. But here he was, receiving his endowment, and it was an incredible feeling to be a part of it. In the time since, I have seen Joseph grow so much. Truly, anyone can change.

The 3rd story was just a reflection on June 5th. June 5th marked 9 months since my very close friend, K, died of an overdose on medication. It is still unknown whether it was intentional or not. He had attempted suicide earlier that week and didn't get the help he needed. But I realized that day, again, that it didn't matter, because I wasn't the one who had to judge him. And, I have had confirmations more than once that K is okay, and I've had several profound spiritual experiences since his death...the veil can be very thin sometimes when you and a loved one are on different sides of it. I thought about how it was through the power of the atonement that I would be able to see K again. I greatly look forward to that day.

My best friend shared this song with me recently, and I think it is basically a culmination of what I am describing. If you get the chance, watch the video too-it's powerful:

There's this little area behind the building I work that some of us employees like to call The Zen Garden...or Serenity Garden...depends on the day and who you ask. We have a little blue crate that is turned upside down where we can sit to momentarily escape our encumbering work and enjoy a little piece of God's captivating creation.

The Zen Garden serves as a retaining basin during monsoon season, but throughout the rest of the year, it is a large, beautiful rock garden full of foliage, chirping birds, and flowering bushes, and on the edge, above the crate, looms a giant shade tree that glows when the sun hits it just right.

A few days ago, I sat upon the crate, leaning against the building with my eyes shut, just beyond the shade of the tree, that I might soak up every bit of the sun I could. I noticed a change in the lighting, and opened my eyes, momentarily confused about why it had gotten darker, as all around there were brilliant blue skies. I looked to see the tiniest of clouds in front of the sun, and in a few more moments, it had passed, and the sun shown with great brilliance again.

I was struck at how that small act of nature was entirely applicable to my life. So often, as I endure a trial, it seems to be the only thing I see and blocks out the beauty and light all around me and I forget all of the amazing things that have come before that trial and which I know will come after. I struggle to step back and see the greater perspective. I let that tiny little cloud darken my demeanor, my faith, and my soul.

How much better would I endure my trials if I saw the little cloud for what it was-just that, a little cloud. Something that was going to pass and would help me better appreciate the sun when it shone upon me once again. It helped me so much better appreciate the Lord's words when he said, "My son (or daughter), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;"

I hope that I can keep that day in the Zen Garden with me as I continue to pass through the adversity and afflictions of life. I hope I can better keep my future trials in perspective and remember that whether it be a tiny, fleeting cloud or an enduring black storm, that the sun will shine again, and I will only notice and appreciate it more than I did before.

Where I Learn About God

It's Wednesday night, and I'm sitting in a therapy group with my clients. It's a small group tonight-only five clients. We're talking about how challenging and overwhelming it feels sometimes to rebuild a life coming out of active addiction and into recovery. Humility and patience seem to be recurring themes in our discussion.

Cory* is sharing about how even though he has a job, a roof overhead, and is back in school just weeks out of inpatient, he expects more of himself. He is frustrated that he still doesn't have a car and is embarrassed to even talk to girls as he doesn't imagine "Wanna go out this weekend? Oh, by the way, can you pick me up at my halfway house?" is an effective pick-up line.

The group empathizes with Cory. They are all in similar situations, though they point out that Cory needs to recognize the progress he has made in such a short time. Cory is receptive to the feedback but finds it hard to accept that he still isn't where he was before drugs took over his life-an honor roll student with a full-ride basketball scholarship to Duke.

Clint* speaks up, "You and I, Cory, we're a lot alike. We both have a strong sense of pride. We like to do things on our own, in our own way. We don't think we need help."

Clint has the attention of the whole group now and continues, "I have this theory, and I think I'm right. You see, I think before we came to earth, God spoke with us. He said, 'I'm going to make you a drug addict when I send you to earth, because that's the only way you're going to be humbled enough to turn and find me in your life.' And we accepted it."

Cory is obviously touched by Clint's words. We all are. Cory replies, "You're right. I had everything before my addiction. Everything except God. So, really, I had nothing. Now, I am rebuilding with Him as my foundation, and it's an entirely different life with entirely different meaning."

It's one of those nights when I walk away from group with a feeling rarely felt in my line of work--HOPE. Hope because I know God loves His children and that His power is stronger than the statistics for recovery in addiction. Hope because I know that even if I don't have the right words to say, He will carry that love to the hearts of my clients and all others who are ready to hear it. Hope because of the scripture that kept replaying in my mind as Cory and Clint shared:

"For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

"In all these things, we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

"For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

"Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" -Romans 8:18, 37-39

*Names and minor details have been changed to protect identities.

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others" -Cicero

I am thankful for...

-friends-family-steady job-my faith-education-food-electricity-technology-beautiful weather-intellectual conversations-scriptures-temple-Christmas lights-my apartment-clothes-running water-transportation-sunshine-basketball-a listening ear-understanding hearts-opportunity-L0VE-movies-turkey-monsoons-modern conveniences-knowledge-wisdom-answered prayers-open mindedness-the small things-birds chirping-swimming...and a million other things that make my life so full and beautiful!