It was never my intent to write about the dark. When I first imagined writing a blog, I intended to write about being a solo librarian, I intended to write about my little crafts, about my broken spinning wheel and learning to meditate as my needles clicked away little gifts for everyone I love. And now, each time I sit to write, all that will come out of me is dark and gloomy, the sorts of details that we do not often share publicly. I visit here, often many evenings in sequence and will myself to write of sweet things; probably so that this image I wish to have of myself, as a woman of sweetness, a woman of the Light, a woman of love and wisdom, will be confirmed. And yet, nothing rushes out of me but those things I had thought to keep secret. Despite my earning to write of the Light, I find that I must submit myself to the process and write at least a little bit of the dark. As I sat struggling with myself this afternoon, I realized, that there is a bit of the light concealed, nestled in the dark, and this little bit of the Light, surrounded by so much dark, I wish to share with you. For any that may have found themselves in the same darkness I have visited, I wish you to know this:
You did nothing to create this.
Those simple words fly in the face of so much which we know, so much of which some of us even hold sacred. But if I could give you any gift, the same gift which I would give to myself; it is to know the truth of those words. The words have variations, they go like this:
It is not your fault
You did not choose him
You are not blind
You are not dumb
You are not weak
You do not have a victim's mentality
You have been his victim, and you did nothing to deserve it save that he was quicker, bigger, badder, darker, even sometimes braver, even sometimes smarter than you have been. He is crafty and cunning and he can outwit you. Your only failing, have you been ensnared by him, is that you were not Omniscient. Please believe me.
Something happened yesterday in my therapy hour which hammered this home to me and I want to share it with you. My daughter had located a new house for us to rent. It's a sweet little house, filled with light and surrounded by gardens. I love this house and you would too! But! The landlord made my hair stand on end. He wanted to visit our home, he insisted that he have permission to visit his garage workshop behind the house, at will, he asked personal questions, he discussed lifestyle information which I found inappropriate. I spoke to my therapist of all these disturbances. My words were to proudly show her how keen my senses had become. My intent was to confirm, to myself, that what happened to me, will never happen to me again. "I see this one coming," I said.
I was not keen about her response. "What," she said, "If he's just a landlord who has been previously burned by dishonest tenants?" I must have glared at her. Damn. She did not need to ask her next several questions to drive home her point. "What will you do now, Lee? Will you lock yourself away from the world and hide from the what ifs?" Well, it's been working pretty well not for almost a year! Unless you count the silence, unless you count the unending nights of tears, unless you count this demanding ache for company. Okay.
Make no mistake; there are some who will be lucky, but most who encounter those such as I have encountered, will not see him coming until it's too late. Whatever goodness there is in you, he will manipulate and pervert. Are you forgiving? He will exploit that, are you unforgiving and deeply shielded? This too he can distort. He is an expert at taking whatever it is that you are, and manipulating and entangling until you are lost. And you cannot prepare for him. There is nothing you could have done.
And, when you know this, really know this, not just as words, but deep inside your bone marrow, you can begin healing. Until you know this, your healing will be focused on your own innocence. You will look for all that you might have done, all that you should have seen, all that should have cried out to you and yet, in the end of it all, all that you might have done, seen, heard or asserted, would only have become another card for him to play in his endless game of pursuit. I can assure you, that had you done the opposite of what you did do, this would only have encouraged him, only have prolonged his gleeful hunt.
I promised at the beginning that I would bring you some light. How can this be light? To know that there is danger and to know that there is nothing you can do to escape it? But it is. Because you can know what you will do. You cannot avoid this storm but you can build yourself a nice little storm cellar. You can plan, even while all around you is healthy and light, for possible retreat into your safe place. There, you will have stored nourishment for your body and your soul, you will have a means of contacting someone trusted and wise and you will never, for anyone, give up the keys and the path to this place. Mother, brother, sister, Priest, friend, god-parent, someone else will wait for you in your safe place and there you will store whatever it is that gives you strength, reading, writing, food, trinkets of meaning, talismans if you will. Visit this safe place often, hold it dear and keep it alive. You need not live always in your safe place, but you must know that it is there - even while there is no pressing need to retreat there.
And she asked me, "What will you do if....." And I think I know. Be sure that you know also.
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