Aftermath

(Below is a letter I sent to http://www.bodymindsoul.org/ while anxious about my sexuality and the social acceptance or rejection I might experience as a result of disclosing it)



Hi from Wellington!

My name's Danny and I stumbled on your site while looking for advice, I hoped you might be able to just offer an opinion or something?

I'm 26, I identify as gay/bi and I have a boyfriend I've been seeing for a year. I have no problems with my sexuality as such, but I learned about polyamory about two years ago, having always had feelings of guilt for experiencing feelings for more than one person. It was a relief to have a name for it, and reassuring to know I wasn't completely immoral or abnormal.

Early last year I fell head over heels for a gay couple my age, and knowing what to call it didn't stop it hurting. I spent every weekend with them, we hung out lots, I thought we had lots in common and daydreamed about them all the time. We never had a sexual relationship, but they said they loved me over and over, called me their Third, the older guy talked to me about dreams he had where the three of us were just always together. We always curled up on the couch together, they talked about me moving in... with the understanding that I'd have my own room, kind of like their kid or something.

I was really happy, but I wanted it to go further, only I couldn't tell them how I felt, the younger guy was Christian and the older guy was kinda conservative, or at least, fairly 'respectable'. I didn't get jealous about them going off to bed together and leaving me by myself, but I did wish they'd bring me along, and not for sex, but just to keep cuddling. To cut what could be a long story short, they got engaged, I was thrilled, then one night the younger one went to bed early leaving his partner and me cuddling on the couch. The older guy was telling me how I meant so much to him, and I let slip that I was in love with them both. I don't think he quite got the message, but he got turned on and asked to have sex with me.

I said yes, reluctantly, and we did it there and then. He held me for a few moments afterward then went off to bed and his fiance, and for the first time I felt jealous. It happened again the next day, then he said it could never happen again, that he was disgusting, an adulterer...
For the next while he just wouldn't talk about it, though I tried to get some kind of closure. I felt like I'd cheated on them both, and he started to talk about finding me a boyfriend in a very offhand manner, which made me furious. I felt so guilty it was hard to talk to the younger guy, but couldn't just mention what had happened because they'd be getting married soon.

The wedding came, I had to organise the younger guy's stag do (which was no fun for me at all!) and then on the big day itself, as his groomsman I had to listen to them making vows of fidelity and loyalty to one another, feeling like it was all lies, and that someone was going to get really hurt in the long run, and that in turn hurt me. I ended up leaving really early, not long after the service, because I couldn't go on trying to smile. In the wedding photos, people always point out that I look miserable, and I have to say I was feeling ill.

I've stayed away from them as much as I can, but our paths cross fairly frequently because I gradually fell for my current boyfriend, who is best friends with the one I had sex with. My now-boyfriend was my only support over the weekend of the wedding, he saw how much I cried, and I saw a really generous soul in him through that whole mess. He knows what happened, but we don't talk about it, and he's a bit reluctant to give 100%, I guess he's scared of being hurt, and I have to deal with that. I want to move on with my life, build a future with him, I love him a lot. But I find I still get angry about the couple I loved, I guess I'm not fully over the hurt and all the falseness that went on. I still don't even know if they've talked it through between themselves, because I'm out of the loop and feel like I have no right to stick my beak in, however much it f****d me up.

I don't know that I'd ever trust my feelings of attraction again, and that kind of scares me, cos I know I'm prone to being in love or sometimes just in lust with more than one person at a time. I don't want to ruin my future with the new boyfriend with my unresolved feelings toward the couple I loved, or by dealing badly with a new attraction in future.

I realise you and your group offer support for people choosing to live polyamorously, and my situation is sort of post-polyamorous at best, but I wondered what you say to help people get over a triad-breakup, and if you have any insights that might help me? Friends I've confided in think it's all a bit freaky, and none of them really believe it was more than a sex thing.

I realise this is a bit long, I didn't mean it to be. Anything you might have to say about the situation would be deeply appreciated.

Many thanks,

DannyR