2015: REviewing the year

I'm a little late in posting this year in review of 2015.  Rightfully so.  I've had an insane year.  This time last year, I was newly pregnant with Lucas trying to figure out when and how to tell everyone.  Crazy!  Christmas kept giving in 2014 when we found out we were pregnant.  I did decide I would tell our family at Valentine's Day.  That basically put mostly my 1st trimester keeping the pregnancy a secret.  It was so fun!  I'm so glad we did it that way too.  It actually made the pregnancy go by so much faster (more on that later).  So January we celebrated Trevor's 4th Birthday with a Train party.  It was cute.  We had a fruit train as part of the food.  Surrounded by family and friends, it was a great hit.  I started feeling like I had a preschooler.  Trevor & Abigail started at the new babysitter as well, Miss Monique.  She was amazing.  We just didn't know it yet.  Trevor brought a kingcake to share to her house.  Everyone was happy for this!  In preparation for the baby coming, we moved Trevor & Abigail in the same room so the baby could have his own room.  That was a very interesting change.  So at the end of January, I took a big step... I registered Trevor for Pre K at Woodlawn Elementary.  I felt like he really needed the structure and he was getting to where he didn't want to be told or taught anything secular from his parents.  This broke my heart for several reasons, but I knew it would be the best thing for him.  He was tested and winded up getting in! 

February was THE month.  The month we were to tell our families we were pregnant.  Well I had a photo shoot planned late January in preparation for our big announcement.  The pictures were amazing.  I had Valentine cards made for our close family and friends.  I was excited, but nervous to send them out.  In a few cases, I hand-delivered them to my in-laws, mom, and co-workers.  I made a photo book for my MIL & FIL.  All of us hand-delivered that one.  It was funny, because Winston was the only one who "got" it at first.  Ha!  I went to my mom's work at the Honda Dealership to deliver her card and framed family picture from the photo shoot.  I told her it was time we upgraded our car and I needed to take the Honda Pilot on a test drive.  She read the card carefully and was overjoyed.  It was cute to see her so happy to have another grandbaby.  I was getting more and more pumped.  I gave my co-workers an eviction notice (my boss has a lot of rental properties) and announced it that way.   That was super fun.  As if there wasn't already a lot going on, I signed Trevor up for T-ball at the YMCA for spring.

March started his spring T-ball league.  He had a great coach and Trevor was so excited to play with other kids his age.  He was great a swinging the bat.  Otherwise, he spent a lot of time in the dirt, playing on the field.  It was priceless to watch.  Truly hilarious!  Abigail had a big time watching him too.  Mimi came to a lot of the games and Trevor loved having her there and his Aetti and Uncle Winston and Aunt DD a couple times too.  I was feeling like I could get into this sports mom thing.  LOL.

April was the month we splurged and got the bigger 3 row SUV family car.  Markus and I refused to drive a minivan.  Yeah I know, go ahead.  Sing the song, "You're so vain".  Cause it's true.  I'm not that mom, cause if I was, I'd be staying at home!  So hush!  We absolutely love the used Honda Pilot we bought.  Trevor was so cute to tell everyone he possibly could that his NEW car has a TV in it!  He was so excited.  The little things.....April  was also the month that we could find out what the gender of the baby was.  I always told Markus, if we had Baby #3 we wouldn't find out.  AND we didn't!  That was interesting hearing others opinions on not finding out.  I would tell people I have a boy and a girl and there's so few surprises in life (like finding out you are pregnant the day after Christmas) that, WHY NOT!  So we had to make sure we told the tech we didn't want to know.  We invited our mothers and Trevor came along too.  We opted not to bring Abigail.  It would have been too much.  I always love the 20 week ultrasound.  The most amazing thing to me is seeing that little heart work so hard to pump the blood through the body.  What a miracle.  But this ultrasound was.... different.  We found out the ventricles in the brain were measuring large.  We also found out the femurs were measuring short.  Hmph.  My conservative Dr. Cheree tried her best to calm my worries as she walked me through the part where she was referring me to Maternal Fetal medicine for further evaluation.  I was scared to death.  I thought I'm not high risk, why do I have to go there?!!  After that phone call, I stepped out of work and called Markus to ball my eyes out.  I cried so incredibly hard it was crazy.  I had a hard time accepting this fate.  I got my appt with the high risk Dr. moved up.  I invited my MIL to come with me and my husband so she could translate all the medical jargon.  It was a very confusing appt.  Some of which was a blur.  I remember the ultrasound tech being amazing and caring.  There was so much back and forth and unknowns.  So I scheduled my appt to come back in 4 weeks.

May is here.  So I went on to my high risk dr appt.  The dr mostly just dismissed the large ventricles and short femurs.  Everything was measuring mostly normal.  I hadn't heard that word mentioned in reference to the ventricles and femurs, I was overwhelmed with joy.  It overcame my whole body and a sense of relief immediately filled me up with happiness.  It was like, OK my baby is going to be ok.  So I went about my business.  Shortly after, my Abigail turned 2!  We had a tea party.  OMG it was probably one of my most favorite parties ever.  Want to see the VIDEO Hayley made?  It pretty much shows everything this little party was and more.  Abigail is obsessed with Minnie Mouse!

June we celebrated Sarah, Hudson and Mimi's birthdays!  Big to do for the Wilson family.  I also had the dreaded Glucose test this month, or should I say tests.  My body is getting older and fighting with sugar.  Apparently.  I failed the 1 hr test.  Just barely passed the 3 hr test.  It was miserable.  But after all that I did a little better with sugar for a while.  I think it scared me more than anything.  I think I will be getting a GP to kind of monitor it and keep track of me.  Cause I don't want to be unhealthy.  We also took the plunge and enrolled Trevor into Summer T-ball.  It was fun, but a lot of the games got rained out.  I don't think we will be doing the summer thing again.  I much preferred the spring, for multiple reasons.  I think we will try swim lessons for next summer.

July July July... the month of my 10 year Anniversary.  The one where I would get my bigger diamond.  The one where I would go on a trip.  Yeah none of that happened in real life.  Ha!  A girl can dream.  And dream on.  That is what I thought would be happening.  Little did I know how my life would stand a little stiller this month.  Little did I know I would give birth EARLY to a baby boy who would need his mommy's love more than ever!  Little did I know I would have 3 kids, 3 days BEFORE my 10 year anniversary.  This month was a life changer.  In more ways than one.  Not in a bad way, persa.  And I'll remember it always.  I was busy.  Busy Busy Busy.  Working on the nursery/playroom.  Getting it painted and ready for baby.  Not picking up essentials like diapers or anything.  But washing both boy and girl baby clothes.  Cause it could go either way 50/50.  Decided on a name for my baby boy this month, Lucas!  But undecided for a girl.  Good thing.  Anyway, it was crazy.  Then one Saturday night, yeah and yeah.  Then I was calling my mom frantic cause I believed my water had broke and I needed her to come sit at my house with the kids.  Let the scary begin.  Like for real.  I was dying inside knowing I was really in labor and fate would have it that a baby would be born almost 6 weeks early.  We all know how this story goes.  LUCAS was born.  I was so happy.  Yes the happy came.  Thank goodness.  This happy would get me through what lied ahead.  It's a BOY!!!!!  I remember thanking God it was a boy.  Like seriously because that was the only name I had picked out.  And it was a beautiful one!  The rest of the month got blurry when we found out from the MD that our baby boy was born with Down Syndrome.  Suddenly my life stood still.  So many emotions, I didn't know what to think or feel.  So we will move on.  Our anniversary was spent together, which was good.  A visit to the NICU, haircut (priorities, it was scheduled before I had the baby and well I couldn't break the appt), lunch (after much persuasion by Nicole) with the "news" confirmed that our little boy officially had Down Syndrome (Happy Anniversary!), NICU then yeah all the regular day stuff.  Bye Bye July.

August was a hard month.  Amongst the obvious, I had spent the last week of July shuffling family and friends in and out of the NICU and personally I didn't want that to be the way I spent my maternity leave.  It mostly sucked.  As selfish as it sounds it did.  It never stopped.  Everyone was so happy to see our baby (the nerve, right?) and I pretty much didn't stop.  Brought Abigail and Trevor to the babysitter and go go go.  So the first week of August was spent back at work.  Yeah what a drag.  Like how boring can this be?  I only had 2 weeks of paid time off.  That's it!  I had just spent 1 of those weeks birthing a baby and being superwoman.  So naturally my common sense of knowing we still had to pay our bills and do all that boring adult stuff came flooding into my body.  Call me crazy but I went back to work and my child was only a week old, sitting under a billrubin light in the NICU (amongst other things) all in the name of paying bills!  I worked back full time for 3 full weeks until my little man was released.  Hard hard.  Woke up at the crack of dawn, IDK like 4 something.  would get to the hospital for 5 something.  Stay until 6 something.  Come back home and start the day to day without our little blessing from Heaven.  I basically hated the 3 weeks of hell.  But you do what you gotta do.  For some reason, a lot didn't understand this.  Did I mention during that 3 week period Trevor started Pre K?  Yeah my baby was going to big boy school!  I was a hot hormonal mess!!!  At 1 month old, Lucas was discharged from the NICU.  I was so incredibly happy for this day.  I left work early to run through all the craziness of classes, procedures, tests, etc.  And I was happy that day I didn't leave solo, but with my little man in hand.  Graciously, my babysitter when Lucas was released told me she would allow 6 weeks off with no pay AND hold the spot for Abigail AND Lucas.  I told you she was amazing!  What a blessing from above. 

September, included "part-time maternity leave" 6 weeks allowed me to get to know my little Lucas and his special feeding needs and only work half days.  Markus thankfully had just taken on a new AM early AM schedule at Frito Lay that allowed for him and I to both be home with Lucas at any given point during that 6 weeks!  How awesome is that!?!  We were blessed.  I hated going to work.  But again, just one of those things.  I kept telling myself, suck it up.  You are doing this for your kiddos.   We met with a lady to get signed up for Early Steps which is the early intervention program for children with special needs and/or developmental delays.  We knew going into it that Lucas would automatically qualify with his Down Syndrome, but surprisingly he didn't have enough of a delay to qualify him just on that.  That was a happy thing.  All at once it seemed we were learning about the program and choosing the therapists we wanted to work with our kiddo.  It was a lot all at once.  I was watching obsessively at my health insurance and what Woman's Hospital billed $91,965.61 for Lucas' NICU stay.  Talk about wanting to vomit.  OMG.  I was sick to my stomach and curious what my responsibility would be after my health insurance payment kicked in.  Any guesses?  It was only $1,017.94.  I.  Was.  In.  Shock.

October is when we found out we got into the Early Steps program and because we apparently make no money for having a family of 5 people, we EVEN qualified for no pay therapy sessions.  I felt like this was an answer to a prayer.  I was so worried about how much this would cost us.  We also found out that the Occupational Therapist we chose from her working with Lucas in the hospital, she had one slot open and would be reserving it for Lucas.  Another answer to a prayer.  The highly recommended special instructor we chose was also available to work with Lucas.  We were feeling like we hit the jackpot!  Everything fell into place.  I also had my 1st parent teacher conference with Trevor's teacher Mrs. Milton.  That was interesting.  I felt like a complete failure as a mommy.  Trevor only recognized by sight 9/26 letters in the alphabet.  On the flip side I surely smiled when she told me his strong areas.  It was all the things we work on.  So I had my homework cut out for me after that appt.  Amongst everything else like going back to work full time (those 6 weeks flew by) and trying to balance my life with 3 kids at home.   I did really enjoy taking Trevor to school in the carpool lane.  I could almost get used to being a SAHM just for that :)

November to remember.  This was the month that the fruits of our labors blossomed into FRUIT!  Markus and I had been applying to jobs for 11 months at this point.  He had recently been on multiple interviews.  Lost a really great job he wanted so bad and was told he would get, until it fell through.  It was a series of let downs, empty promises, low salary, crappy benefits, etc.  He turned down 3 job offers.  I felt so stupid writing the "thanks but no thanks" type of letters.  We had only been looking for this long and here I was turning down a job offer!  Then the light at the end of the long A** tunnel blinded us.  Blind-sided us really.  LSU of all places called, interviewed, then offered Markus the job.  There were a series of things that happened in between obviously.  But the offer came.  We had to sleep on it and talk about it and pray about it for what seemed like eternity, but after a day of that, Markus accepted it.  Same salary as the other jobs he turned down because it was too low amongst other things.  But this one, this one was the one he was supposed it have.  This one was the one the Lord was saving for him.   Now I know why.  It's the perfect fit for Markus.  I didn't know it would be at the time, but it is.  I'm very grateful for this.  (more to come about this).  Markus was so happy to turn in his resignation at Frito Lay.  His 6+ year career with them had finally drawn to a close and he opened a new door.  It was the best birthday present this girl could ask for.  Blah I'm 33 now.  Gross, but whatever. We found a house in Central we fell in love with.  We fell hard.  It was the perfect house for us.  If there even is such a thing.  We finally put in an offer after the sellers had already accepted an offer, but they didn't accept our back up offer.  We were depressed for weeks about this.  It was so sad.  We could see our family there.  But the search continues.  And so does the fixing up of our house.

December was quite the stress ball.  Just after Thanksgiving we found out Markus gets paid from LSU once a month.  Yea, Merry Christmas!  And that once a month happened at the end of the month.  With Markus only starting at the end of the month in November, we were in for a big adjustment from getting paid weekly. We celebrated Markus' 35th Birthday.  That dude is just a hot as ever.  I wish I didn't age like he doesn't!  Love that dude.  We got rather thrifty in preparation for being "Santa".  I was looking forward to this.  Trevor was so incredibly excited every time he saw Santa.  Abigail didn't know what to think, but if her big brother was excited about it you better believe she would be right there with him.  It's cute how attached they are.  They fight like typical brother and sister.  Christmas morning was a hoot.  The kids really loved opening gifts.  We explained to them that Christmas was when we celebrate the birth of Jesus.  We have a little way to go with this. 

Overall, this year was probably one of the hardest of my adult life.  For many reasons listed here, but others that haven't been mentioned until now.  I got some of my faith back.  I began to trust more fully in my Heavenly Father and His plan for my life.  All of this in preparation for my little Lucas.  If it wasn't for this, I would not have been able to handle it.  I began to see this beautiful picture of my life unfold.  It was miraculous.  Like the artist who slowly unveils his handy work, I felt the same of Heavenly Father and my life on canvas and in real life.  It was making more sense.   I'm married to the best man I know.  He's a different person since he got his LSU job.  I call him "Tiger boy".  Love it!  He has really stepped up and helped me and I'm so grateful for this.  For years I've exhausted my everything to keep this household going.  And finally I have someone to share this state of exhaustion with.  We get to see each other in the mornings and evenings.  It's been 6+ years since I've had a somewhat normal life.  Which was before we had kids.  My children get to have the daddy they have always deserved.  Life is coming together.  Like a beautifully wrapped package and the bow is just getting finished knotting.  We are tied together in the most miraculous way now.  I don't even know where to start and begin to describe it, but I am happy.  I am done having children.  I can work on getting my body back.  Ditch my maternity clothes.  Focus on my growing children and their ever demanding needs and personalities.  We are looking for a bigger house to be a little more comfortable in.  I'm praying it doesn't take as long as the LSU job did to come into our lives, but we will see.  And wait.  I have continuously had to learn the patience lesson at every corner it seems.  I keep telling myself I am not the only one.  Hahaha!  We have a little piece of heaven to focus on in Lucas and build an awareness in those around us.  He has really brought my family and extended family and friends together in a perfect way.  He is amazing.  And I am lucky to be called his mommy.  Perhaps I could do better documenting his greatness and everything I am learning as I bee bop along.

May 2016 be all that and more to you and yours.  Happy New year.  If you stuck it out this long, I'm impressed.  Cause I was tired of writing, but know I may want to remember this craziness one day.  Maybe.  Or forget it.  LOL.  NOT!

Perspective

I wanted to share 2 things that I was told this past Friday by 2 different people that impacted my current perspective on Lucas. 

First, I was pursued by a lady who had a Down Syndrome child.  I was happy she reached out to me.  We had a great conversation.  We got to talking about baskets and how they ran out around the time Lucas was born and how she was sorry and wanted to bring me one.  (The Down Syndrome Association gives baskets out to families who have a baby born with Downs).  She said this, when she had her son she was bombarded by so many telling her what she did and didn't need to do.  She said I wanted families to be told "Congratulations!" in the midst of everything.  It's nice to hear congratulations.  I agreed with her.  I would have liked to have heard that more than I have.  And she's right.  While Lucas' diagnosis is far from what we would have ever dreamed, we are sure happy to have him in our family.

Second, a lady at my church was telling me about her daughter who lost a child.  Her daughter kept saying, "why me?".  Her mom gave her this bit of wisdom, and thankfully me too, she said, "why not you?".  You must have done something right to deserve this child to go straight to heaven at such a young age.  Heavenly Father wanted to call your child home.  Then told me, Jenn you have a perfect baby.  Heavenly Father must really love you to trust you with a special baby like Lucas.  In that moment it clicked.  Lucas is special.  He was created in the image of God.  Perfect the way God intended him to be.  This lady's husband called Lucas a celestial baby.  I trusted his every word too.  I know we will be blessed for having him in our family.

The past almost 2 months have been such a whirlwind and mix of emotions.  I was actually told "I'm Sorry" by someone.  I was shocked.  My MIL received the same response too.  Well I'm not sorry.  This was part of God's plan for my life.  I cannot deny that.  I've had tremendous peace as I've come to accept that simple fact.  I'm overwhelmed by the love and support I have received by complete strangers.  I feel this is God's way of giving me a great big hug and telling me it's going to be ok.  I have my good days and bad days.  Mostly good.  Especially since I've been able to be with him half days.  I'm thankful for Lucas' sweet spirit and feel blessed already to be his mother.

Thank you Lord.

The Birth Story {Part 2}: The Down Low

Remember in the Birth Story Part 1 I mentioned we were visited by social workers shortly after we got our room in the hospital?  Well we were told they visit every parent who has a baby in the NICU.  I didn't remember this from Abigail being in there.  Markus swears they came.  I didn't remember that part.  Well though we thought it was kind of strange, I dismissed it.  It wasn't the only thing I dismissed that day.  When they walked Markus down to the NICU where Lucas was, Markus sent me a pic of Lucas.  You see the pictures the social workers brought us, Lucas appeared to have blonde hair.  I thought, no way!  He actually looked JUST LIKE ABIGAIL!  So the picture Markus texted me... the first thing that came to my mind when I saw the picture was, he (my son) looks like a Downs baby.  Quickly, I dismissed the thought and saw the brown hair.  Markus' words were, "dark hair".  It was clear his hair was really brown and not blonde.  I thought what kind of picture did those ladies give me.  haha.

The picture Markus texted me

Markus came back up to my room after visiting Lucas.  By that time I had my food and was feeling better.  Still waiting on my IV to get taken out.  Markus told me about the NICU and how Lucas' room was next door to the one Abigail stayed in just 2 short years earlier.  He said he waited around to talk to the dr. but she was tied up and would talk to us later.  I was on a high.  I just wanted the stupid IV out of my arm so I could go see my baby!

Well in comes Dr. Stewart and the 2 social workers we had seen earlier.  It instantly felt weird.  Why were we being visited by a Dr. (as opposed to being called) and why were the social workers back?  My mind was trying to be open at this point, but I was so confused.  The Dr. started saying how she was there when Lucas was born but she was observing him from upside down and how it was hard to make assessments of him in this position.  She started telling us about him.  I honestly don't remember now everything she said.  It. was. weird.  Then all of the sudden out of the clear blue sky... the words flow from her mouth ever so matter of factly, "Your baby has down syndrome".  Not only could you hear a pin drop, I could feel my blood pressure drop, I could feel my heart being crushed, I heard nothing.  Nothing but silence and 3 people staring at me and my husband that I didn't want to look at anymore.  How could this be possible?  I didn't understand.  We went to Maternal Fetal Medicine, why didn't we know anything about this out of our 3 visits with them and paying for double ultrasounds?  Why?

I don't think I wanted to understand anything at that moment.  I just needed silence to help my brain to open to the information I just learned about my baby.  Then on with more facts about the syndrome and tests that were being run on my baby and genetic tests this and that.  I practically only heard half the information.  I think my mind checked out and went somewhere that allowed me to maintain my composure and be an absolute mute while they were in the room.  Markus asked all the questions.  Seriously.  Anyone who knows me well enough, knows that is not like me at all!  I hated the way I felt.  I hated what I was thinking.  Then the social worker said something I will never forget.  She said it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling.  Well how did she know what I was feeling?  She also said it was ok to mourn the loss of the child we thought he would be.  She said he will still be Lucas, just not the Lucas YOU thought he would be.  For whatever reason, it make perfect sense to me.  And brought tears to my eyes.  She was breaking through my hard shell.

They left shortly after delivering the news.  Silence filled the room.  Not only did I continue being a mute, I froze.  Time stood still.  For several minutes.  I didn't know what to say to my husband.  How could we have created this baby?  What would he think?  Surely this was my fault.  That was what I thought.  I gazed out the window.  I just wanted to go back to him being born.  To the happiness I felt when I heard it was a BOY!  The relief that I had when the only name I had picked out could be.  Lucas.  It means light giving.  Light; illumination.  Then it hit me with more force.  This was all part of the plan.  God's plan for my little family.  He knew this baby was to be a "light" to us.  I tell you there was a point in the name selection where Lucas was the only one I would consider for a boy.  I loved everything about it.  I knew (almost) it would be the name of my baby.  God created this baby this way.  His way.  I tried to help my heart and mind get used to the idea.  I continued to think more.  More about what I have said for years.  The 2 people that know me the best in the world, my husband and my best friend knew exactly what I would always say, I always felt like I would have a child with special needs.  The more I thought about it, the more I knew that was just the beginning of the Lord preparing me.  Preparing me for this moment.  For this baby.  For my new life.  Literally.  It didn't help when I finally got around to muttering words through tears to Markus this little thought from the past.  He remembered.  My husbands forgets very little.  He agreed.  Yep.  Not that either of us were willing to accept our new reality at that point, but yeah.  Then the how would we tell people?  What would they think?  Markus was adamant about waiting for the genetic tests.  I prayed and prayed.  I asked God to help me to know if this was really true about my Lucas.  Help me to know before the genetic tests came back.  Then all the above flooded my mind.  Filled my heart.  Slowly my heart started to accept it.  If it was from God, how could I deny it?  I told my husband, he's ours.  We made him.  No matter what, he's ours.  There I said it.  It was true.   It was the first step to accepting Lucas as my baby.  The baby I birthed with great pride.  The baby I was overjoyed to learn he was a boy.  The baby who I prayed over.  Night after night.  The same prayer, Lord help us to open our hearts to this baby and accept him however he comes to us.  The baby who would/will ultimately change our family... forever.  That was a scary reality as I took the first step.

We visited him at the NICU when I finally got my IV out.  All I could see was a baby with down syndrome.  Little did I know at the time, that would be all I could see for a few days.  It was awful.  I was incapable of seeing anything different.  I looked at everything.  Everything from head to toes.  His toes were Markus' toes.  His nose was wide as my granny said the "LeBlanc" nose.  So many things were just like my other kids.  I just wasn't able to move past the "Down Syndrome" part.  It was eating at me.  We went back to the hospital room and crashed.  With not having any sleep that night I was in labor and it being the afternoon AND learning about my baby, I felt like I had been ran over by something that was not going to let me make it through the day unless I could sleep on it.  Markus and I both hoped in the hospital bed and held each other and fell asleep. 

We woke up to my brother in law and his sweet bride to be coming for a visit.  They were our first visitors.  We walked them over to the NICU.  It was a nice visit.  Awkward as we had news to share (not happy or exciting) about our baby, but I told Markus I wanted our parents to know first.   Sadly, we went through the whole visit without telling them.  I was kind of scared.  I was mad we didn't tell them in person and apologetic later.  Still hate that.

Then our sweet friends Fritz & Hayley stopped by as Winston & Dianne were finishing their visit up.   They were the first people we told about being pregnant back in December 2014.  Fitting that they came and would be the first to learn about Lucas and his DS.  They just didn't know it.  I didn't know it either.  They were our guinea pigs to try out our news with if you will... for the lack of a better way to say it.  We walked them over to the NICU.  Markus and I just stared at each other while they were mesmerized by Lucas and his size, etc.  We all sat down and I tried to find the words.  Tears began to flow.  The words came.  The feeling of telling our dear friends about our new reality was heartbreaking.  Heartbreaking for us and for them to receive it.  We talked through it with them.  Fritz didn't believe us, I don't think.  Him and Markus went around about physical features of the Down Syndrome.  And how he was not sure about the diagnosis, etc.  Honestly, we were still trying to absorb the information and reassure them and ourselves.   Told them about wanting the genetic test to come back before we could "confirm" things. 

We walked them back to our room, to be greeted by our families anxiously waiting to get eyes on Lucas.  Instant sadness and disappointment came over me.  How in the world were we going to tell them?  We said goodbye to Fritz & Hayley and HELLO to our parents and siblings and my children!  I was overwhelmed by the sight of so many members of our family in one room.  I could barely look at my kids the same as I had the day before.  They looked so, normal.  It was crazy.

I whispered to Markus you tell your family and I will tell mine.  Markus walked his family to the NICU first while my family waited in the hospital room.  I was nervous and anxious and trying to establish good timing.  So here goes... more tears.  Surprised looks and tears from my mom and sister.  It was just how I thought it would be.  Love and support welcomed me at the end of the news.  My mom said, "we will get through this Jennifer".  At that moment I believed her.  It's a rare occasion, but I believed her words at that moment.  There were lots of questions from them.  Some of which I could answer.  Others, I couldn't.  It was becoming more real.

Markus' family returned.  I was greeted with hugs.  Bigger hugs than before.  It was becoming more real.  Tears filled their eyes too.  I walked my family down there.  They didn't get a lot of time with Lucas.  It was coming up on shift change.  I was sad we didn't get a lot of time.  They were so into him and his little features.  It was cute.  Pictures the whole nine.  We got back to my room and they left shortly afterwards.  I ordered dinner and asked Markus about how his family received the news.  We discussed how both of our families took the news.  He told me his mom, brother and sister didn't believe it.  I told him my family was shocked, but accepting of the news.  We talked about how differently our families are and how they received it.  We also talked about how we can't tell people how to react or receive the news.  We learned something else in that moment of truth, everyone will have their own reaction and deal with it in their way.   It was becoming more real.  Slowly.

We went back up to the NICU to spend time with Lucas by ourselves.  We had some great nurses that day.  One of them was Mrs. Suzanne.  She said exactly what I needed to hear.  I balled.  I lost it.  And she was so sweet.  She gave me a huge hug and told me about faith and humility and how God gave us Lucas.  I knew she was right.  I could feel God using her to confirm to me this was how it was going to be with Lucas.  She told me about 2 other ladies who had kids with DS.  She has from that day made certain I've talked to as many people as I can about DS kids.  I'm so incredibly thankful to her for that.

I left red faced and teary-eyed that night from the NICU.  The whirlwind of a day was drawing to a close.  I wished that I could get a do-over in a sense.  Or make parts of it go away.  It was only the first day to the beginning of a new direction our family would journey through.  I was obviously not ready or prepared for it in any way.  But ultimately, I think God knew what I needed and how I needed to know about my baby and this was the best way for me to find out.  Scary, but true.  I would have gone into a nervous breakdown if I knew this before this baby was born.  I think so.  But that I will never know.  Because I was spared that preparation in a sense. 

Here's to turning the page and starting the next chapter of our life with a new little baby, Lucas James.  Oh how we love him so, Down Syndrome (extra chromosome) and all.  And we have the genetic test to prove it!

Thanks for stopping by!  Sorry it was so long, it was more so for me.

Surprise! It's a Boy! The Birth Story of Lucas James...

I need to do this more often, but can't seem to sit down long enough to compose a blog post.  LOL until I have a baby.  Sad, but true I guess.  Just a brief overview.  We found out we were pregnant with Baby #3 the day after Christmas.  Little did we know what surprises we were in for this go round.  One of those surprises were being pregnant.  It happened so fast!  AND we found out at Christmastime... and kind of by accident/ by surprise.  Markus just kept picking with me that I was pregnant.  I went to work the day after Christmas and bought a test just to prove him wrong.  Well... right he was!  The whole day I thought about how I could tell him.  On the way home, I bought a kingcake from Ralph's and wrapped the test up in lots of napkins.  Walked in the door and made a big deal to the kids how mommy got a cake for them.  We all know it comes with a baby in it, right!?  Well Markus went right for the napkins thinking it was a knife in the kingcake box (he already had pregnancy brain, haha) and there it was.  I loved that moment.

It was always the deal if we had a 3rd baby we wouldn't find out what we were having.  This added to the thrill and anticipation for me.  Everything thusfar had been a surprise so I thought, Why not!?  It was great.  I almost wish I would have done it for the other's, but then maybe not.  Ha!  Other surprises ensued.  At our 20 week ultrasound we were sent to Maternal Fetal Medicine AKA High Risk Dr. because the baby had dilated ventricles and short femurs.  I lost it.  I kept thinking I take care of myself and I'm not high risk.  At that appointment we got a lot of worst case scenarios and the whole we will monitor it type replies.  It made for some long weeks ahead.  Out of the 3 times we went, we kept getting better news.  I prayed like I have never prayed before.  But my prayer was always the same.... Lord, may we be open and love this baby however he comes to us.  I knew no matter what he was mine and I was going to love him no matter what came of this whole brain thing.  Tremendous faith building time in my life.  I've never felt more strong and lifted by those around me praying.  It was truly and amazing experience.  For this, I can handle today. :)

I had given a lot of preparation to my boss so he could sufficiently run his business in my absence.  34 weeks came.  I warned him that from that day forward if I went into labor, my doctor would not stop it.  He knew full and well as did a lot of others around me.  Perhaps this was the Lord's way of helping me prepare for what was to come.  34 weeks and 2 days came, the night of July 25th.  It was Saturday.  My baby girl came down with hand foot and mouth the day before.  I cleaned the house like I have not done in a long time.  It was spotless when I was done with it that evening around 10ish.  Clothes were done, kid's bathroom cleaned, playroom and kid's room cleaned, floors mopped, door casings and trims wiped down... basically everything Abigail may have touched with the exception of the toys, I cleaned.  It. was. insane.  And I was tired!!!!  and pregnant.  The activity continued....

By this point it's 11:30 and I remember the same feeling when I was pregnant with Trevor, like I was peeing on myself and couldn't make it stop.  My fluid was leaking.  I was in the bathroom by myself and started praying for it not to be.  I was not ready.  But suddenly the reality of it hit me and I started crying (inside).  I walked over to Markus and he asked what was wrong.  Much to his surprise I told him I was going to call the doctor because I believe my water broke, but wasn't 100% sure and didn't want to prance to the hospital at midnight if that was not what it was.  Spoke to the Dr. on call.  Surprise it was the same one who delivered Trevor.  Not my Dr.  I died a little inside, but listened to her and told her I would pay attention for the things she told me to look for.  Called my mom.  She didn't answer at first, but called right back.  Gave her the heads up I may have to go into the assessment center to see if I was really in labor and my water broke.  No sooner did I get off the phone with her and walk over to the bed and GUSH!  Like I was in the movies.  Yep my water broke and it gushed too.  I started balling and getting very worried.  Frantically calling my mom who I just spoke with what seemed like seconds ago and she didn't answer.  I barked for Markus to call his mom.  My brain stopped working.  I couldn't think (again) of what to pack in a bag.  Markus started packing for me.  I kept loosing more fluid.  It was crazy.  I had already set aside clothes to take to the hospital for both a boy and girl, so I grabbed those and ran all over my house trying to do stuff.  Mom got there first.  We ran over to the hospital.  Did I mention how close it was and how in the middle of the night it took no time to get there!?  Um yeah.

We waited in the assessment center for a little bit, got called back answered stupid questions then Markus came back and the real stuff happened.  I was dilated to a 2-3 CM.  Not really contracting.  It was like being in labor with Trevor all over again.  Other than my water breaking I didn't feel like I was in labor.  WTH.  The nurse left to call the Dr. and came back and said, ok we are going to start you on Pitocin.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I think that crap is the DEVIL!  I had it with Trevor.  I thought I would have him naturally til that crap got into by body and I couldn't catch my breath the pains were so nothing to extreme intensity from nowhere.  I asked the nurse why I had to have Pitocin?  She assumed I would have an epidural and blah blah.  I was like no ma'am.  I would really like my body to try and do its thang and I will go natural.  She left to call the Dr. back.  Well at this point it's 1 something and the Dr. agreed to let me see if I could go into labor by myself until 6am.  Ok.  fine.  yipee.  I was so excited.  I bounced on a ball.  Went up down and all around the hospital.  I got orders to walk.  My MIL met me up there once she got that news to power walk the halls with me.  We did this for what seemed like an eternity.  I was getting very discouraged because I felt nothing practically.  Exhausted and no sleep later, I said screw it... they are going to give me the devil pitocin anyway so at around 5:30ish or so I just stopped doing everything.  Got on my bed and chilled out and braced what was to follow.  I cannot say enough how much I hate pitocin.  Ok now that we have that established... they started juicing me up with that crap around 6:15ish or so.  The nurse told me at the old hospital they did the "juicing up" every 15 min.  Now they only do it every 30min.  Well hallelujah I thought, I may actually be able to breath this time.  Hahaha!  Then the best nurse ever came on for the day shift.  Mrs. Trudy.  She was amazing.  She told me how she had her 3rd baby natural and all that jazz.  We told her about Abigail being born quickly and naturally.  She took very good notes and obviously listened to my every word.  I had no idea.  So the pitocin persists and is barely working.  I told Trudy if it continued going the way I was feeling it I could deal, but I made her full aware I had not anticipated the pitocin and would likely be asking for an epidural.  She did not let me forget my words "natural".  She kept pushing me to go natural.  I told her I wanted to, but was so tired.  The Dr. checked me at 9:13.  I was a 4cm.  Granted I had already endured 3 hrs of the devil (pitocin) and the contractions to me were starting to get a lot more regular and a LOT more intense.  I told her if I'm feeling this way and I'm only a 4, I will not make it to a 10.  I just knew I wouldn't.  I told Trudy call in an epidural for me.  We went through this are you sure BS for what seemed like an eternity.  Meanwhile my phone is going off.  The stupid rocking chair in the room continued to squeak and my mom would not stop texting and making her phone go off.  I demanded my husband silence my phone (secretly hoping my mom would get the idea... she didn't) and asked the nurse to remove the rocking chair because I couldn't handle the noise.  Asked about the epidural again as I curled my toes under and tried to breath.  It brought back nightmares of Trevor's labor.  I didn't want to relive it.  Trudy checked me again with all my crazy mood swings going on.  I was a 6.  I begged for the epidural at this point.  Sweet Trudy got him in there before another patient who wasn't as far along next door as I was.  Oh yes she did!  The cart rolls in.  I was so happy to see the epidural cart, even asked if that is what it was to make sure my feelings would feel better.  I no sooner saw the anesthesiologist and I suddenly feel the urge to push.  No mind you, I remember this feeling very well.  2 years and 2 months earlier I was in the same hospital with the same urge... I didn't forget the feeling.  I started balling and telling Trudy I had to push.  She told the anesthesiologist sorry no epidural she has to push, he made sure that was what I wanted and I muttered the same and hollered, I'm so sorry.  I was so sorry.  I couldn't believe it was about to happen again... NATURALLY!  Trudy and Courtney (I loved her too) the nurse who patient I booted out of the epidural were on each of my sides and were hollering all kind of things at me like push and I can't even remember.  They frantically found a doctor to deliver my baby because the Dr. on call with my group was nowhere to be found.  So here goes nothing.  I pushed.  and pushed and after about 4 tries and telling the nurses I can't remember how to push... I hear the cry.  of my baby.  They told me to look but I literally could still feel him being pulled out of my body and couldn't move to do anything else.  Then when he was out... all I wanted to know is was he a boy or a girl.  Yes that is all I wanted to know.  I'm crazy.  It was a boy.  Then I wanted to hold him.  I loved rubbing all over his body and feeling so accomplished at what just happened.  The NICU team was anxiously in their corner of my room waiting for him.  I didn't want to give him up, but knew that is what had to be.  It was sad.  They assessed him and assessed him and assessed him.  Then took him.  During the assessment, I asked questions like how much he weighed.  He weighed more than Abigail!!!!  I was shocked.  I told myself had he gone full term he would certainly have been my biggest baby!  He was 5lbs 4 oz and 18.5" long.  And the sweetest blue, slimy thing I had ever seen.  I was worried about his lungs.  I didn't remember my others being so blue, but he was crying great so I felt like he would be fine.

It was truly an amazing thing.  My mom was by my side cheering me on like I needed her to be.  Markus was not by my side this time during the pushing, but he was behind my mom and I don't even know what he was thinking.  haha.  Poor Courtney the nurse, I must have squeezed the crap out of her arm I don't know how long.  And my sweet nurse Trudy for helping be my voice and strength through the whole thing.  She later told me while we were waiting for my room that I went from a 4cm to a 10 cm in 23 minutes and she knew I would go quickly she just didn't know how quickly and she knew I could do it naturally.  I love her for helping make that happen.  The recovery was just what I needed, especially for what lie ahead.

We got in my room after being in Labor & Delivery for 2 hours.  I hate that they make you do that.  I begged for the IV to go away.  I hated it.  Got in my room and I wanted to see my baby.  See I could walk... cause I didn't have an epidural.  Truly it's a beautiful thing and the Lord helped see me through it.  While I was waiting for my food and the IV to be removed, we were visited by some social workers.  Markus and I were very confused, but listened to what they had to say.  They brought us pictures of Lucas.  I wanted to see him so bad.  So, I made Markus go down to the NICU to get the update on baby boy, while I waited for food and IV.  The social workers walked him to where Lucas was.  He was not able to speak with the Dr. but was able to see him.  He even sent me a picture of him.  His hair was brown.  In the pics the social workers brought up it looked blonde.  I thought really, blonde hair?  Nope it was brown and must have been the lighting.  A thought crept into my mind when I saw the pic Markus texted me, but quickly went out of my brain when I saw he had brown hair instead of blonde.

Birth Story to be continued in Part 2.

Abigail's Birth Story {A Few Months Late}

I'm a little behind in writing this.  Having 2 kiddos in the house has been quite the whirlwind.   On to the "Birth Story".

Thursday, May 30th was going to be just like any other Thursday.  I sewed the night before until 11pm.  Got in bed and woke up around 1ish or so.  I cannot remember the exact time, but Markus was still up.  I remember having annoying "gas" pains, (or so I thought).   I tossed and turned.   I was frustrated because I just wanted to sleep.  Finally at 2:30AM I got out of bed and went to the bathroom in hopes to pass this "gas".  No luck.  Annoyed, I went back to bed.  This kept on.  But I was determined to try and get some sleep so I kept attempting to sleep.  Feeling defeated, I finally got out of bed about 5:15AM when I couldn't stand it any more.  It seemed like all I was doing was tossing and turning and laying there wishing I could go to sleep and just pass the gas already.  Dang!  Once I was awake and concentrating on something besides wishing I was sleeping, I came to the realization that this gas was not really going away.  I had gone to the bathroom and thought that took care of it, but to no avail.  Suddenly, I became worried.  I looked up Braxton & Hicks.  I never had them with my pregnancy with Trevor, but surely that could be a possibility at this point.  I read and read about it.  But it just didn't seem like what I was experiencing.  So about an hour or so passed.  During that hour, I noticed some consistency to these pains.  The thought quickly came to my mind that I could be in labor, but I let that out of my mind as soon as it came in just about.  Until the hour of 6:00.  I started timing the distance between pains.  It was roughly about 3 minutes apart.  I alerted Markus of the possibility of what I thought it might be (labor).  He was like, really?  He asks if he needed to get out of bed and take a shower.  I said YES!  lol.  Around 6:30 I finally broke down and called my Dr. office.  I was relieved to hear the lady on the other line say Dr. Cheree was on call.   Actually I was rejoicing :).  Then when she called me, I instantly felt better by the sound of her voice.  I told her I thought I might be in labor.  Told her how my morning had been going.  She said come in to the office at 8:30 and she would check things out.  She also told me she was looking for contractions to be 5 min apart and 1 min long before she would send me to the hospital.  Well I paid close attention for another good and long 45 min to what was happening with my body.  I remember telling her the contractions were like 15 sec long.  hahahahaha... they were so close to being a minute long it was ridiculous.  I was so not wanting this to be... apparently.  I frantically started packing mine and Abigail's bags.  I usually do that at 36 weeks, which was the very next day.  My brain seriously couldn't think.  I honestly did not know what to put in the bag.  All I could think about was I could possibly be in labor.  Well, then I started bleeding and just about flipped out.  I had called my BFF earlier, but she did not answer.  And she called me back at the best time possible.  I told her everything and she asked me a series of questions, then said and I will never forget that moment, "Jenn you are in FULL TERM LABOR".  Huh?  Um, yeah right!  So naturally I had to alert my Dr. of the new found news according to my bff.  She said come up to the hospital.  Well unlike when she said that with Trevor and I didn't listen, I listened this time.  Especially since I had no flipping clue as to what was going on.   We had already called my MIL to see if she could by some crazy chance watch Trevor, amongst others, but it didn't seem like anyone we called was available or would answer their phone.  Until Janell.  Dear sweet Janell who watches Trevor daily for us.  She answered, as I feeling the crunch, and on the toilet, told her the fun scenario we were in, and she gladly said yes.  Even offered to come and get Trevor.  I will forever be grateful for her that day.  She saved me :).  Markus went to go and drop Trevor off.  But not before he came back to get his wallet because the car needed gas.  That was the longest 15 min + of my life I think.  All the while I am on the toilet, talking to my best friend as she is telling me to breathe.  The contractions were getting stronger.  I was flipping out.  I was in the most comfortable spot I could be in, on the toilet.  Markus got home and I told Lea Lea I would keep her posted.  Off we went to the hospital, in morning traffic.  Yay!   We arrived at 8 o'clock on the dot.  As soon as I got out of the car I felt crazy pressure.  I could barely walk. far. enough. to. the. door. to. get. a. wheelchair.  I yearned for a wheelchair.  I could not even tell Markus what I wanted I was in such a state of panic oh and pain.  I told the security person I just wanted my epidural and that I had not filled out paperwork.  We waited for 10 min for the triage nurse to come.  I made Markus go see what the hold up was and to tell them I was in labor.  I hated admitting this.  But it was the truth.  I was quickly coming to see what was to happen on this glorious day.  Little did I know what lied ahead...

About 3-5 min later, the nurse finally arrived.  Well it was about fricking time!  I told her the same thing, I wanted my epidural before I filled out any paperwork.  She laughed.  She laughed at me.  Um, I did not think it was funny, but whatever.  She said, let's just get you checked and we will see about that.  She handed me a gown and I could not even take my clothes off.  Markus and this other lady I remember from triage at old hospital helped me.  Got on the bed, nurse checked me and honey, that smile left her face quickly.  I saw her whole face change before my eyes.  I knew something was up.  She said nothing to me and started at the other lady who helped me get undressed and blabbed all this medical slang to her.  I was still at this point clueless.   The helper lady motioned me to get on this other bed and as my head was in her chest I asked her how far dilated I was.  She said, "baby, I think she said you were a full 10".  I started crying.  Tears just flowed and flowed.  Clearly, I was not going to be able to have an epidural.  How in the hell was I going to have a baby without one?  That thought permeated in my mind.  Over and over.  Certainly, that wasn't what I REALLY wanted when I was pregnant with Trevor.  ha!  As I'm trying to grasp this tough reality, they are running me down this narrow hallway.  FAST.  I held my hand out and yelled for Markus.  He was not there.  I just wanted him to hold my hand.  I can't remember, but I think the helper lady grabbed my hand.  I loved her at that moment.  Then I kept hearing this, you are doing great baby.... blah blah.  I chimed back, I am not going to get an epidural and I can't believe I'm going to have a baby today.  It was surreal.  They started talking about my dr. and how she was in the hospital already.  I was happy to hear all of this.  Got to L & D and I have never seen so many people moving so quickly!  I felt like I was on the set of ER.  I saw Dr. Cheree's face and burst into more tears.  She joked and said, I thought you weren't in labor.  hahaha.  I hated her for that.  I just cried and said, "I can't have my epidural can I?".  She asked if I wanted one.  I said, well I didn't for my first, but now that I'm in this predicament I do.  She said I could get one.  Then all the sudden it was like I didn't know what I wanted.  She said if you want one you need to tell me now.  Abigail's head had already started to crown.  Great.  Markus was next to her at this point and he leaned over to her and said, "She can't even decide where she wants to eat for dinner on Friday nights and you want her to decide if she wants an epidural?".  I vaguely heard that.  She then said, someone hand me a hook.  Jenn she said, Look at me, I'm going to break  your water, 2 pushes and she is out.  I looked her directly in the eyes, and believed her every word.  Oh crap.  Here we go.  I pushed once.  Holy crap.  Is that what this is going to feel like?  I was so shocked.  She offered a local just to numb the area.  I said sure.  Yes please.  She no sooner said ok, it's going to be a pinch, but let me finish before you start pushing.  As soon as she said she was in, I told her I had to push and it couldn't wait.  She told me to wait, and I tried, but couldn't.  One long, quick push and Abigail flew out of me.  It was so freaking quick, I thought she was going to fall out onto the floor.  Crazy!  She was so tiny, but so perfect.  I was so happy.  It was such an awesome moment for Markus and I.  Just the 2 of us, which just so happened to be how we talked about wanting it.  :).  He even got to cut the cord.  Yay.  He didn't with Trevor (it was my fault).  But what a perfect moment.  Nothing else mattered but the 3 of us.... now a family of 4.  It was amazing.  I said a few crazy curse words because I couldn't believe what had just happened.  Frankly, Markus was over it before I even said it.   This baby girl was so tiny.  And I loved her 5lbs of her.  They asked me if I wanted to feed her.  Naturally, I said yes!  I didn't get this chance with Trevor.  I didn't get to do this for very long.  I wanted to start telling people all about this.  They took her from me and did blood sugar tests among others.  It was low.  I wasn't too worried.  I just birthed this perfect little girl.  Why would I be worried about low blood sugar, right?  Next thing I knew she was admitted into the NICU.

Abigail Grace

That happiness was crushed, quickly.  I did not want my baby to go in there.  Surely she would be happier with me....

Abigail Grace's Nursery {Sneak Peak}

I've been busy yall growing this baby girl, and creating her nursery amongst all the usual daily grind.  It's been a little crazy around my house.  Want a sneak peak at all the goods?  Check it out HERE!  It's coming along and good thing, because my belly is poking out and soon I won't be able to get it all done if I don't pick up the pace.  Paint started this weekend.  Almost feel like the nursery is half way there, but not hardly.  Enjoy!

The Reveal {baby #2}

We feel so blessed and surprised to welcome a baby girl into our little family! It was so much fun to hand deliver these stork cards to our family and friends who were local. Truly their reactions were so worth it! I'm so glad I took the time to make these little cards and involve our family and friends. It was way different for me, but the "gender reveal" concept has certainly grown in popularity over the past year and I was happy to create our own way to jump on the bandwagon and involve family and friends near and far all in the same way. I am thanking God for an opportunity to raise another one of His children, and a baby girl!

**Markus was so surprised with the biggest smile on his face when he saw the ultrasound picture that read "it's a girl!". It was a priceless moment for us. And to think he hates surprises! I sure fooled him ;). Stay tuned for the full story on Momma Jenn Jenn blog.