My Life 4 Years Shared With You

I had been staying outside of my home for nearly 4 years. And in this 4 years, I know I had changed. This change, mostly happen in my mind perception and of course my knowledge in mind. But I know in this 4 years, my attitude does not change because my family still treating me as usual, such that I had not grown up yet.

I remembered I created this blog during my first semester staying at Peninsular Malaysia, a land separate from my origin land. And this might be my last post to this blog, because I think after this I may not have much leisure and private time to continue writing.

Most of my experience in the first few years I had explained it in some previous posts. There stated our first day in registered to UTM was 25 June 2009. This year, 23 June 2013 will be our last day to officially check out from UTM.

In the previous posts also, there stated how we know each other better through academic and non-academic activities. And in this last year of 4 years life here, we know each other by socialize through academic activity. We organized class trip to Putrajaya and Mersing. We have 2 credit hours PAP project but effort is same as a 4 credit hours FYP. We always running out of time to finish a task but we still find time to hang out.

Most of us used maximum 2 semester of 14 weeks each semester to finish their FYP. We also struggled the whole week to prepare for a 25% out of 4 credit hours, which is a VIVA presentation for our own FYP. Some of us although had a hard 20 minutes on the stage, but still feeling released after come down from the stage.

We might have the same 4 years experience, but we will never have the same experience anymore after this. Some of us desire to work at other countries, some desire to work at other cities of Malaysia, some desire to work in own land, and some desire to further study in UTM. It means that everyone will start their new life in another few weeks time. And no one will know when can we get to meet again. Is it the 51st-UTM Convocation is our last chance to meet?

Everyone knew the low chances for full reunion, so we are appreciating each other in this final few weeks although we had hard days.

  

The Mission In Holiday

Tomorrow I will return to KK, my hometown for 10 days then continue with a new semester, hopefully is the last semester. This is actually the university's semester break, normally it is 4 weeks but this time is 3 weeks only.

Out of 3 weeks, I had take 2 weeks for my final year project laboratory work. I had this decision since before I start that project because I don't have thing to do at hometown. Instead of flight on 4 Feb, I actually can return earlier. But I thought of I might not have chance to attend most of the Lord's meeting at hometown so I choose to stay here longer to attend more meetings with the two new born saints, Ammery and Peymaneh.

Most people had waiting to return home so much but I am not thinking in that way. This is because I had set a mission/task to do during this return but I just don't know how to make it. It is to ask my dad, my mom, my sisters, and my brother regarding a church life two years full time training right after I finish study. 

In the past years of my university life at here, I had always escape from this matter. I give a lot of reason to reject it without asking Lord nor discuss with my family about the matter. I don't know how other saints solve their financial problem even they are not yet working but I don't want to ask them because I don't want to show my interest to the training. I also never ask them who have scholarship or loan about how they delay their bonding contract etc. And I also don't want to ask them who got strongly opposition from family about how they persuaded their family although I know all are the work from the One who dominate everything and mobilize over all.

But He let me to get listened testimony from them about how they solved with their family and even how they solved with the education sponsorer. And even, He purposely set up a condition which had forced to me to attend a training for only two days and got listened something. This something had made me fear of Him but also want to be a serious person starting this age.

So I prayed to Him that I only want to get the decision about full time training through discussion with my family. I doesn't dare to ask Him to solve all the problem so that I may join it, because I still not fully desire to join it. I just want to seriously solve this without escape, but this Lord will make everything to happen according to his desire.

Five paragraph of experience in Campus Saints One Month Training (My Day 2 : 23 Dec 2012)

• Luke 9:23-25~And He said to them all, If anyone wants to come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his soul-life shall lose it; but whoever loses his soul-life for My sake, this one shall save it. For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world but loses or forfeits himself? O Lord Jesus! This morning pursued spiritual book and brother shared these verse. It is exactly my situation, because I always protect my soul-life. I always escape from Lord’s calling because wants to protect this soul-life, but Lord doesn’t want human’s soul-life. Lord wants me to deny myself, crucify my soul-life! Yes, and I should practice this daily.

• During Lord’s table meeting, when sitting besides local saints, I returned to my natural human again because I shut my mouth. How dangerous it is when I remembered this was the time I bring death to the church. This moment, I realized I didn’t repent and confess myself as a sinful person and quickly make it until I am able to stand up for prophesy. It has been a long cronic disease in me because I only sometimes pursue morning revival but never prophesy. Lord, may You always remind me, force me to practice the normal church life.

• Since yesterday I was memorizing the 1 Timothy Chapter 6 in English. But when I read the Chinese version only I understand the message in it especially 1 Tim. 6:11-12. It says ‘flee this things, and pursue righteousness,…’. Always I thought when I flee the things that Paul written, then I am a good Christian. But the message does not end there, it says need to pursue righteousness,…’.and even fight the good fight of the faith. This is what a true Christian should do. But looking at my previous post, I am not everytime with Lord, not even fighting in the fight of faith. O Lord, please raise me, to become your Soldier.

• Again, my serving brother calling me to join the next training at Penang. I rejected Lord again although I hadn’t discuss with my academic work partner. Same as the calling for two years training, I give a lot of reason to Lord without discuss with my family. When I tell saints why I join this training, suddenly I felt I am very fake. I want to be a person who is true and serious before God and I want to seriously solve this calling instead escape. May Lord be my strength to face this.

• This is my second day also my last day of training. This training is just like a normal training I usual have but what I get is much more deeper than past training. This two days message is not new to me, but I have deep impression because everything spoken so relating to Lord’s return and keep on exposing my weakness in preparing myself for Lord’s return. But I know in myself, by my own strength I will return to my natural way and no more practicing the life I received at here. So I should pray more, not rely on myself, but ask for Lord to always attract me to follow His step.

Remarks by serving one:

No one serving as a soldier entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please the one who enlisted him.

Five paragraph of experience in Campus Saints One Month Training (My Day 1 : 22 Dec 2012)

• Thanks Lord for not letting off me. Lord never stop calling me but as what brother says, it is my own responsibilities to choose Lord or not. I always say in testimonies that I am grateful to have chance to study at a place far from my hometown so that I would have more chance to attend Lord’s meeting. I say I am grateful because at hometown my mum is my biggest objection for me to attend meeting. But during my serious praying to Lord, He says I had wasted a lot of my university life time because I did not practice a normal church life although had given the chance. Now I only left one semester for me to enjoy Lord to the fullest. May Lord always remind me of my prayer, my consecration and most important is never ever lazy to eat spiritual food.

• Eat means receive and what we eat will become our constitution. But I am enlightened to see what the constitution of me is. I believe what I see is in me, Lord is very small in me. No wonder I can’t influence surrounding friends and family to believe God. I am touched that today Lord has ways to become our constitution but I must willing to place myself under Lord’s dispensation. The process is like replace black ink in glass with clean and pure water, a little by little receiving Christ.

• God’s church need protection from Satan and all kind of damages work. But always I am the one who do this damaging work during church meeting. From this message then only I knew whenever I didn’t confess my sin and repent, this will damage and bring in death to church. I should not skip this matter and must do it properly and seriously.

• Through the fellowship, I see that when Lord really wants to gain me, Lord will not let me go out freely. Anything that replaces Lord’s place in my heart, Lord hates it and will remove it. When I heard this I have two feelings which is I hope I am not the chosen one for Lord to gain so that Lord will not remove anything from me. But in another way I hope Lord will bring me along in all His move. So the only way I should do is to place every of my thing to Lord include my beloved family.

• We can read Old and New Testament once in a year. This is a new hope to me because I have never success to finish Old Testament even now reading New Testament also not regular. I need to pray to Lord I want to achieve to success, I want to study Lord’s word seriously so that I can enter messages in training easily.

STRESS

   Erm...Due to faulty internet connection that only able to save my first 2 sentences of this post at initial and due to my availability of time, I had SUMMARIZED this initial post into what you are viewing now.

   Haha, initially I was writing that I am stress with my thesis write up every week, stress with the 'Structural Wind and Earthquake Engineering' test, stress with 'Japanese Language Proficiency Test', and stress with the question about '2 years full time training in Malaysia (FTTMY)'. When writing that, at the same time I was INSTALLING RealDownload for me to download a hymn to share at here (but maybe it is not a supported file at here end up share it from Youtube) and it closed my drafting windows, which I thought it is saved. But when I restore it, it only saved 2 sentences out of 4 paragraph more although not yet end.
   I don't want to rewrite it again because I was smiling to myself now which means I am not stressed at the moment after released in the writing and being 'erased'. So I just want to share the things that I enjoyed during my stress overcoming.

1. はじめて主イェスに、出会ったときに

   ハレルヤ　わたしのこころのなかに

   よろこびのいずみーが　あふれてきたの

   生まれてはじめて知った　あーい

   すべてにまさる　まことのあーい

2. とーおく　きびしい　ひとりのみちで

   主イェスは　わたしのすべてとなった

   あいされ　あいすーる　うるわしさーよ

   主にある　わたしの　行く手にーは

   今日にもまさる　よろこびがある！

   当头一次遇见了你，我的心充满欢喜。

   阿利路亚，喜乐满溢，主耶稣充满在我里。

   头一次的爱，最甘甜的爱，耶稣，耶稣，我的爱。

   超过一切真实的爱，竟然临及我；

   甘甜的爱，最真实的爱，耶稣，耶稣，我的爱。

   From the moment I first met Thee, How my heart was filled with joy.

   Hallelujah! Full joy in me, As Thou flood me without alloy.

   Oh the sweetest love is this first love; Jesus, O Jesus my love!

   Far excelling all other loves, Such love reaches me.

   Such a sweet love, such a true love— Jesus, O Jesus my love!

   Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/ts/318/gb=1#ixzz2DbS3i4Q3

Coordination for Success

We just finished a huge programme, Water Awareness Programme 2012 at  Putrajaya on 19 - 21 October. This is not a programme under any society, but it is part of our academic subject assignment. It is for Environmental Management subject under Dr Badruddin.

In this programme, I doesn't hold any great position although it is a class programme. All the management were conducted by my most active classmates. On the other hand, other than the management, each of us have to prepare group poster according to title. So I just focus on the poster task. And, with these active classmate as the major control unit of the organisation had bring the success to the programme.

Two years ago, I ever organised not much of programme. But those are just small and medium size. Those programme taught me a lot of things and had become my guidance throughout the later years. But slowly, through surrounding friends' programme I also learned a little which had 'updated' my point of view. And recently, through my class programme, I approved/accepted my 'updated' point of view, which is "EVERYONE IS A BLACK HORSE" but depends how surrounding people treasure it and utilise it.

Without them, I don't think this model can finish.

I had welly acknowledged that everyone have their own most expert thing to do in an organisation and can contribute well. But after one time trial, due to their attitude, I rejected them. Yet, their ability still staying with them. 

So I start to choose people. But actually the problem is from my own, how can I tackle them to make them functioning well when working in a group with me to achieve 100% team work from each person instead of skew to a person work only.

Without the guy, I don't think the girl can carry the boxes of water to everywhere.

The students are pratising teamwork also, but do they realise the importance of it?

Or can I take an example on the balance ecosystem? It is just as simple as we need a good and balance nature system and it needs us to help to maintain it. So we are the control unit in this relation but we shouldn't neglect them or else, our objectives will never able to achieve.

The consequence may occur if the wetland ecosystem is unprotected.

Does this mean the brain couldn't stand alone without the other small participating unit? My answer is yes, the brain needs the hand, leg, eye, and the whole body! It is not a complete organisation/body if any part of it is loss. And it is not an active organisation/body if any part of it is not functioning well too! So look our own body system, there is a good coordination system and this is what we need to practise in working with people.

How well do you know that your decision is the right one?

Before making a decision, of course we will collect as much as possible the related information about the decision and its consequences. Then we will choose 'the best' decision according to those information and our heart desire. At that moment we say that is the best decision but how often we will regret after that? It takes time for us to really understand does it right or not.. it can be just after that or even years after that.

When we discover that we make a wrong decision, we always say 'If I know earlier, I will...' We can forsee many thing but actually we all are blind to see everything. There are still things that are out of our control. It was like everything had destinied for us, no matter which decision we make. But we cannot pull out from making the decision because by choosing a decision we are actually moving forward.

The one who quit from decision making means he choose the last choice, that is do-nothing choice. Yet, like what I said just now no matter which decision we take, we can't guarantee to achieve our goal. But if we choose do-nothing, we might deviate far from our goal or moving backward.

Everytime I make a decision I will take a long time to measure and forsee it because I don't want any regret after that. But actually those long thinking is just for the heart to feel comfort. Do you agree? So we do not need to feel regret and be brave to bear the consequences.

But sometimes, in handling some work, we find that we took the wrong decision and if proceed with it just bring losses. So do we need to regret? To think of regret or not is just wasting the time and wishing time to turn back. We should quickly change the decision! Because at any time we can join back to the right path without any u-turn.

Therefore, I also don't know what I did today and the past is right or not. Or anyone know the answer?