F.O.U.R.

Four years ago yesterday I was sitting alone in Starbucks crying (why oh WHY was I crying while sitting alone in a coffee shop with nothing but my bible, journal and a wonderful RED cup of goodness in my hands? - oh, back to the point) Four years ago yesterday; I was crying because I was 10 days past my due date and still hadn't had the baby that I was convinced would never actually make it into my arms.

Four years ago yesterday; I had yet to experience heart shattering love and fear simultaneously overtake my emotions and leave me in a puddle of tears and smiles, mini panic attacks and basic senseless goo.

Four years ago yesterday; I had no idea what kind of responsibility and testing and stretching and life altering... consumption, having a child brings into your life.

Four years ago yesterday; I absolutely thought it was all about me and have been struggling to recover from the slow and steady realization that IT. IS. NOT. ever since.

Four years ago yesterday; it was Ryan and it was me, and that is where our 'family', our line, ended.

But four years ago today? I became a mom. To this girl.

And she has flipped my whole world upside down. She has brought me such joy. Such incredibly deep deep joy. I could cry at the drop of a hat when I take a moment to think of the way I love her. How is emotion like that even possible?

Now before I go any further; I know it is typically 'uncool' to gush on and on about how wonderful your kids are. But it's her birthday; my baby girl turned four today...so I get a free pass, back off :)

She's developing quite the personality you know. Year by year she seems to fill out more of herself. Like a little balloon you watch slowly inflate as you puff more and more air into it. I don't know if that's a disturbing analogy since eventually balloons, well, pop...but you get what I mean. And each year I think I've got her number, then she goes and develops yet another side to herself as if to say "No way Mom, I'm still going; you can't sum me up that quickly!" I am loving this getting older thing with her. The things we can talk about now, the concepts she can grasp, the way I can watch her little determination as she literally drowns herself in all things art because her teacher told her God clearly gave her that talent.

Oh, I love her so so much. And even though she can't read this (although at her rate I won't be surprised if she can in a couple more months, crazy diligence this one has, crazy) I just wanted to put it out there in blogosphere, for all to see.

Happy Birthday little one; you are growing up so fast. I adore who you are becoming and I can't wait to meet even more of you.

Just some examples of my little Miss personality,

Walkin in a Winter Wonderland

It has been cold up here. C.O.L.D. I tell you.

But that didn't stop us from doing what is quickly becoming a favorite tradition up here at Christmas time. There is an insane neighborhood that you would be bummed to find yourself in if you happened to not celebrate Christmas. They decorate their houses in massive displays of lights and music and characters, snow and blow ups and structures of incredible detail. It's really a sight to see... so we go see it. Bundled up in 20 million jackets and armed with Starbucks in our hands we walk the circled neighborhood in an parade of strollers and friends. The kids had way more fun this year than last as they complained less about hats that bother their ears and paid more attention to the displays surrounding them... maybe next year we'll be completely whine free...here's hoping!








Oh...btw. There are no pictures of said lights, displays and decorations. It was enough to keep the kids corralled, covered in blankets, kept inside strollers and happy while walking in freezing weather, at least I got pictures of THEM, what do you want from me?

Mind Wandering Mondays

It feels like my mind wanders more on Mondays than any other. Maybe it's because I've had more conversation over the weekend so the extreme halt in intelligent dialog that comes every Monday (when I'm once again back alone with the kiddos) leaves my mind a bit confused and lonely. And so it goes on, talking to itself about the thinks it is thinking and the muses it is musing...and that can lead to a lot of mind wandering.

So this time I thought I'd share the random wanderings of my Monday... in no particular order or significance (which is by its very definition, the essence of true wandering...)

I wonder what in the world made me the kind of person that truly believes she will be the one in a million to win contests. Every contest, every time. I am the girl who is thinking "Well, SOMEBODY's gotta win, I bet it'll be me." This characteristic drives my husband batty. I literally spent 3 full days last week listening to the radio ALL DAY LONG and dialing like a mad woman when the DJ said to, in hopes of winning close to a $1000 dollar shopping spree amongst other things. There is a crazy voice in my head that tells me I will win and I believe it whole heartedly and everyone who laughs at me simply spurs me on to how great it is going to be when I win and get to say 'I told you so'. This particular contest? I got as far as caller 24 (the winner was 25), but I did not win. Nor did I get on Deal or no Deal, (of which I am convinced, HAD I gotten on, I most certainly would have picked the million dollar case, I am highly intuitive that way and pick it often when watching the show... hey don't laugh, it's true). And so the craziness goes on. Why am I like this. What is wrong with me? Crazy, crazy girl, I should be locked up.

I was driving home with the kids in tow and I was using my knee to drive because I was eating frozen yogurt. Two mind wanderings stem from that : First, I was eating vanilla with colored sprinkles which I haven't had since my junior year in high school. I know because I used to work at a Yogurt Shop and me and the girls who worked there always had vanilla (only when it was yellowish and icy not the bright white fluffy kind of vanilla) and colored sprinkles. But we would eat it all day long by filling tasters up really high then dipping them right into the sprinkles bin on the counter and popping the whole thing in our mouths. ..umm .. we got fired, but that's not the point. The POINT is, man it was good, and today was no exception; felt like I was right back in high school. YUM. Second, I told you I was eating while driving and thus steering with my knee. Ever since the hands free cell phone while driving law I have had this incredibly irrational fear and panic every time I do anything else requiring my hands while driving. Like eating, or putting on make-up. I will all of the sudden get very nervous and wonder if these are also against the law now and if a cop sees me will I get a ticket. Seriously it crosses my mind every time. How weird am I? Who thinks this way? Crazy rule followers, that's who. All that to say, Macy promptly corrected me that I was not being safe and needed to put both hands back on the steering wheel. Ah, my cautious daughter...she's absolutely doomed to annoy everyone around her with her inherited rule following. Poor girl.

I met with Deirdre Fitzpatrick today at Bellybou' to fit her for a photo shoot she'll be doing featuring our clothes in a January magazine issue. Deirdre is a news anchor in Sac. and really good exposure for the store. That was awesome.

It is December 1st and we are decorated for Christmas. Well, decorated all except our tree which should be done because we finally caved (thanks in large part to a very convincing post by Sara Goens) and got a fake tree this year; but when we got it home, parts assembled, box hoisted high in the rafters and each. and. every. teeny branch spread perfectly and evenly out...the kids and I stood eagerly awaiting the big reveal while Ryan plugged the lights in. And...voila! A chunk of the tree stayed unlit. After an hour of searching and trying and plugging and replugging, it still won't light. So the tree goes back to costco, only to try it all over again tonight. THIS? This is NOT Awesome.

So there ya have it, my wanderings for the day...or atleast some of them. Thanks for helping me ease back into my silent mind for the week. Maybe I'll talk to you all again next Monday! You're much better listeners than my kids!

My how time flies...

My 10 year reunion. What do you write about a weekend you spent gathering with dear old friends, some of whom you haven't seen since the day you all wore green caps and gowns and celebrated your 'freedom' from the ever so confining walls of high school? (funny we thought THOSE days were full of responsibility and constraint!) Well, I don't really know what to say. But I know I had an amazing time. It was nostalgic and wonderful and so incredibly good to see such sweet faces. I think we all realized time has been incredibly good to us in a lot of ways... say, our fashion sense for one (Oh Lordy the jeans we wore!), our wounds (thank goodness for the way time allows us to let go of things that used to matter so much!), our immaturity (I can neither confirm nor deny any old footage of certain boys in dresses and certain dramatic girls that may or may not have surfaced this weekend...) But for as much as time has changed things, this weekend was a really neat reminder to me that some things can stick beyond years; it didn't matter that I hadn't seen some of these friends for almost a decade, in a way it felt like we jumped into a time capsule for a weekend and enjoyed each other just as much as we did 10 years ago...maybe more! Simply because of a shared common experience; that being the crazy time in our lives called adolescence. A time when we all learned way too much, way too quickly- about friendships, relationships, growing up, and figuring out who you are. It was fun to see that 10 years later; there were still tiny glimpses of the people we became when we were together; just better versions of them...if I do say so myself ;)

Papa's Pumpkin Patch

So my dad is running a Pumpkin Patch this month. No, I'm not joking, it's what he's doing. And for your information, it may have made him the single most popular grandfather in history...so there. :) The kids had so much fun and picked out some super sweet pumpkins too! If you live near Pleasanton, go get your pumpkins from Moore Pumpkin Patch...it has rides and fun houses and everything!

The Beach ... a month late!

This post is waaay overdue. We went to Newport again with the Gross family in September. It is always amazing! Sorry for the onslaught of pictures, I should do a slide show but don't have the time!
Check out the kids devouring a carton of ice cream with three spoons, (thanks Papa!) and Carter figuring out the best way to get a high score in Skee-Ball (the other way is much too frustrating! - whatya gonna do?) ;)

Tagged.

So, I’m a little slow on the uptake. This freaky cyber world phenomenon has been intriguing and fun for me to dabble in for almost two years now, but there are some things that prove I haven’t totally made the plunge. The mysterious game of ‘TAG’ being one of them. Apparently when ‘tagged’ you are supposed to post 10 things about yourself (serious or silly) and then tag others, and so the game continues. My sincere apologies to at least three different friends who have tagged me in the past year… I was completely insecure and overwhelmed (see further down in the post for more explanation of this character flaw) at this task and consequently let it pass by repeatedly unanswered. But I’m ready now, I’ll at least attempt to join your little game…and I’ll share seriously about myself because that is the place I’ve found myself lately, witty randomness has escaped me…I’m sure it will return soon enough ☺ And for those of you who log on here for the cute pics and brief captions; who didn’t ask for insights into my crazy mixed up heart and soul… feel free to scroll on by, there will be more pics to come shortly! ☺

So here comes me.

1) I am highly relational and highly emotional. I attach people and memories to significant times of growth and experience in my life and because of that I have a really hard time leaving things in the past. If I could I would carry around a gigantic wheelbarrow of every significant person, place or thing that has ever touched my life; just so I could feel constantly like it was real and valued and still a true part of who I am.

2) I LOVE people. Groups, one on ones, you name it. Being in a room full of new faces (provided they’re friendly and open, not stuffy and judge-y) excites and energizes me. Being in a room full of dear, sweet life long friends does something indescribably wonderful to my soul and makes me want to lock the doors and never let anyone leave. Sitting in a coffee shop with one safe face across from mine and no time constraints, to me, is probably the most relaxing thing on earth.

3) I am dramatic. Period. I love stories and day-dreaming and getting swept away in the possibilities of what could be or should be or might have been. I love playing other characters and imagining what it would be like to live a whole mess of different lives, or walk in other people’s shoes. I’ve already told you I feel things deeply; so this combo simply takes my imagination and super glues it to my heart.

4) I have a big old nasty on-going battle with pride and stubbornness that makes it hard for me to say I’m sorry and admit when I’m wrong. I’m working on this with my children and there is nothing more humbling than saying you’re sorry to a three year old… except maybe a two year old.

5) Inside me lives this teeny tiny rebel. Don’t worry I feed it only crumbs of bread and drops of water so as to keep it on tight reigns. But I know it is still there because I get an absolute high from spontaneity and upset of routine. I crave the feeling of being free and the ability to say, ‘who says I can’t go on a road trip at midnight?’; watch me. In my world of toddlers and schedules and responsibilities and church; sometimes I just don’t care if I’m late to something, or if the kids have clean clothes on. *gasp*… I know, I’ll cut out the bread ration for today.

6) I am waay too analytical and will drive myself and the poor soul next to me, down in a spiral of indecisiveness, worry and fear. I also become overwhelmed fairly easily as though my mind, if it does not immediately understand every single step of what I am being asked to do, will clamp down in heart stopping panic and run away screaming “ I can’t , I CAN’T! It’s impossible I tell you!” I do not live out of the logical half of my brain.

And... now I'm tapped on the serious so I'll finish out with some randoms...

7) I wish wish WISH I could sing. I'd give anything for the talent; I used to dream that they'd create an operation where you could get a voice transplant...you know, switch out vocal chords or voice box or something...really, I used to actually pray for this.

8) I could eat breakfast for every meal, every day. French toast, cereal, cinnamon rolls, eggs, grits, oatmeal, bacon, waffles...you name it, I love it and would choose it over anything from the other two meal categories every. single. time.

9) In a secret world, in another lifetime; I would have been a writer. I'd have majored in English and been one of those thoughtful, intelligent, philosophical writers who travel the world and sit in coffee shops and cottages with their laptops, books and pens behind their ears.

10) Ooh, the pressure of the 10th... I'm a copy cat. Seriously. There are people who are confident and artistic and creative and then there are people like me, who copy them. Scrapbooking, decorating, fashion, etc. I only need to see it once or twice before I can replicate a pretty good version for myself; but I am rarely if ever the first to come up with anything. I imitate, duplicate and follow; but I don't create. Wish I did, but ya know; take what you've been given and quit crying right? :)

So that is me… in a gigantic, longwinded, waaay too indepth for the normal blog surfing visitor, nut shell. So now, in the spirit of the game, I tag Carly, Erica and Lauren B. (cuz I know she checks on here even though she never comments!) ☺

Cutest PJ's E..V..E..R

Introducing Skivvies:

We carry these PJ's at Bellybou' and they have become the favorites in our house... fer sure. Macy wants to wear them every night and declares every time (like it's the very FIRST time she's noticed...) "Carter-bot look! We MATCH!" (Sometimes she talks to him like he's 2 MONTHS old not 2 YEARS old...but that's another post).

Ummm... decided to leave the explanation of the hole for another time, we glossed right over that question with lighting speed distraction. Quick guys, stand up and pose for Daddy!



Oh, for the love of Skivvies. You are welcome to call Bellybou' and order your very own pair!