[

mood

|

cranky

]

Well, he emailed me back and said he respected my views but that I am an important part of his life he doesn't want to lose and he feels trust can be rebuilt. He says he can prove to me that he will never lie to me again if I just give him the chance.

The thing is, I have given him chances. Chance after chance after chance. It's crazy how he thinks saying this will convince me he is capable of change. He is just naive I guess, wanting to believe in things so much that he finally does, even though to an outsider it's not possible.

I did actually call him though to invite him over to dinner (because I am a wimp) and had to leave a message saying he should call me within the half hour if he gets in. When he didn't call, K actually did and said she wasn't going out as planned so I invited her. On her way over, he called me back and I told him I was going to invite him over but K called and we made plans. I thought he would be upset because he "missed" the opportunity, but he just said he got lost running and that's why he missed the call, and now he was heading over to his mom's to help her pack to move again. So he couldn't have come anyway. He started going on and on and I cut him off telling him I had to call Kathryn back about something. He said he would talk to me later. Haven't heard from him so I don't know what that meant.

I called C and invited her to join us, but she said she was on her way to a comedy club with her sister, E from ECS and M. She said K and I were certainly invited. I told her we had already made plans. This irritated me though. I mean, I thought to invite her over for my evening plans. Why would she not invite me to hers? Especially since I know everyone involved. The deal is, I don't like how she seems almost competitive with the people, the men and the friends she meets. It's stupid and based on her insecurities. I hate insecurities. Today we made plans for her to come over for dinner, but it's nearly 3 and I haven't heard from her. If I do, I will tell her I am too busy. Which is true. I have lesson plans to write, not to mention all of the homework I never even touched. D was right in saying I wouldn't get it done. :( I disappoint myself.

I got such little sleep last night, I don't know how I'll be able to survive at the gym. But I need to go. Day 8. And I need to go now because they close in just a little over an hour on Sundays.

[

mood

|

confused

]

wrote him back. trying to resist the urge to invite him over for dinner and a movie since I will be stuck over at D&M's tonight. feeling sorry for him.

I'm pathetic.

In my email I did say I would be open to talking further, so I suppose I should allow him to take me up on that if he chooses. I also said I was pretty firm on my feelings though. Which will surely make him sulk and withdraw even more. (sigh)

I WISH I was able to find someone emotionally and mentally healthy. Of course, that person would run screaming from my life since I am really neither of those. I am just moreso than he is, so I feel that way.

Must shower, pack, eat, and get to D&M's ASAP. Poor puppies.

worked out: day 7.

[

mood

|

apathetic

]

He sent an email with actual content. 10:24 is when it's timestamped. He said he wishes he had the words to express how he feels he was wrong to lie to me. He said he has no explanation for why he lied. Said there is something wrong with him on the inside. Well, at least we agree on that. He admitted that he is afraid of "fessing up the truth that [he] lied." He said he just feels sick inside that he is capable of doing this to someone he loves and cares about and that he never intended to hurt me although he knows lying hurts people. I don't know. The average reader of this email would feel compassion and say I should forgive him because of this genuine apology. But the average reader does not know how often I have been lied to and what I have been lied to about. I finally feel I am at a point where I can let go. I finally feel I am ready. I have been through so much with him, but I don't want to go through this anymore. It's the same thing over and over again. It is a big enough issue that I cannot trust a word he says. That alone is reason to say goodbye. But the fact that I can agree that he has a problem and that it isn't going to change (or maybe it will, but I don't want to have to be the guinea pig he uses to learn how to "get better" on) is the main reason I know I have to say goodbye. It's so hard. I care about him. I feel bad for him. In so many ways, I feel very content with him. But really, he is not who I want to be with. It's just hard because I crave that companionship and comfort and love with someone and it's certainly easier to just be with him.

I will write him back tomorrow (well, today really, but after I sleep) and I think I will say I know he has a problem, that I accept his apology, but that I can no longer put myself in the position to have my feelings hurt and my self disrespected by being lied to. I will tell him that I do not trust him to be truthful to me and it is too difficult to be even friends with someone whose words are always doubted. For that reason alone, he should not even want to be friends with me. Who wants to be friends with someone who doubts the validity of everything you say?

.......

I appear to be 1.5 lbs heavier today than yesterday. What's up with that? It's so frustrating. I mean today was workout day 6 out of 8. So why am I GAINING? All I have to say is, by workout day 14 I better be seeing some change or I fear I'll be quickly losing motivation to continue. :(

[

mood

|

annoyed

]

Today driving home from work I was thinking how I am slightly tempted to call him or drop by and ask him to go get something to eat. I hate eating alone. I would regret it, but I feel like shit that he hasn't even acknowledged my existence.

Then, I got home and I checked my email like always to see who has responded to my messages. And look at what I found...

I went to bed maybe 10 minutes before this arrived in my inbox (at 3:21 am).

From: XXXXXX@XXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXX@XXXXXXX
Subject: couldn't sleep... miss you
Date: Fri, 08 Aug 2003 03:21:06

That was it. No body to the email. Just a subject line with an incomplete sentence. Argh. So typical. Well, at least I know he's not oblivious to the fact that I exist. But really, how immature is it to be so cryptic. He's afraid to say more to me for fear he'll look stupid if I don't respond. He wants me to make the effort because he is insecure in how I feel. If I were to have called him yesterday and said, "So why haven't you called me in 4 days?" He would have said, "Well, you didn't call me so I figured you didn't want to talk." He should be the one to make an effort...for ONCE. On top of it all, The reason we're not talking is because of his lies. I'm not going to respond. That incomplete message is not a question, rather a statement. Oh, so you miss me. That's unfortunate. Oh, so you can't sleep. What else is new? I mean, where is the reason for me to respond? Where is the apology? Where is the "I'm sorry I'm a pathological liar. I need to get professional help for this and I don't blame you for not trusting me. I have a problem. Please help me work through this." Ugh. Actually, I guess it's good there's no apology. I'm tired of apologies. I'm tired of false hope. I'm tired of believing things will change only to have my expectations crushed. Without an apology or admission of fault, I don't have to feel guilted into allowing him back into my life. That's a good thing.

:(

I feel annoyed and depressed and disappointed all in one.

I feel like my heart is damaged goods. Makes me feel so bad about myself. It really does. Not much hope for me in future relationships, is there? Meh. That's how I feel now, anyway.

[

mood

|

discontent

]

I am beating myself up because he hasn't called me or tried to communicate with me whatsoever since the 3rd.

I don't want to talk to him, but I want him to want to hear from me, communicate with me. I want him to miss me.

God, I'm pathetic.

Workouts: only missed 2 in 7 days. Not bad. Thinking there is at least a 2 lb. difference between my scale at home and the one at the gym. Gym is more accurate. Gym says I am heavier. Of course.

blah.

[

mood

|

aggravated

]

I think I am finally rid of him. I told C I was ready to be rid of him months ago but obviously I wasn't ready to believe he could lie so much, so freely, so easily. I wasn't ready to accept that he is just not ever going to be who I envisioned he could be or truly is. He is nothing I want for my future or believe I deserve. At least, I'm trying to believe I deserve more. Trying. It's hard when I feel so awful about myself.

I would have gone to work out today, for day 3 of 3, but the stupid gym closes at 4 on Sundays. I got there at 3:50 clueless of their hours. That is really dumb. I will just have to remember that for future Sundays. That damn 24 hour fitness looms over me, taunting me.

But I plan to go tomorrow. At least the fight I had with him today prompted me to use my adrenaline to do situps. That's something.

D and K called me on Friday. I don't plan on calling K back because going to the concert with her helped me determine I don't want her in my life. I don't want to call D back, but know that each day I wait will be a bigger guilt trip when I finally do. That is not a friendship I am very interested in either, but she is just too codependent to allow me to just drift out of her life. To cut ties with her would mean inviting drama into my life. Should call L, should call S. Need to email J back. That's another one I am slowly letting go of. I don't know if I am a bad person for letting go of so many people, but I feel I need to do it because they are draining me and I feel emotionally unhappy with them in my life. It's right for me.

Been really depressed lately about everything. Feeling like I need to find myself. Feeling sad that I will probably have to take a min wage job until I can find something that appreciates my college education. Feeling like I don't have friends I can count on or care to spend time with. Feeling like I am such a loser for not getting this stupid degree crap done. Feeling bad about my body and lacking contentment about living here and my everyday existence.

Hopefully writing some of this down will help.


( letting him goCollapse )