December 25, 2019

For a while last night, the house was completely quiet.  The kids were all gone sledding and I had a moment to stop, and notice the present, to be in the moment.   I sat staring at the angel tree.  For a moment I felt the constant nagging pain of missing him.  There isn’t one second of any day that I haven’t felt his physical presence gone from this earth.  Even though I feel his “presence” almost constantly.  

This year Noah was really concerned we might forget him somehow.  As if we ever could.  He was insistent that we will have an empty chair for Hayden.  I have been thinking a lot about that.  How worried he is of us forgetting.  What I wonder though is if he is worried about forgetting.  He turned six the day his brother died.  He had an entire lifetime of memories, but it was only six years.  Six short years.  The other day he told me that his memories of my dad are fuzzy.  That he can barely remember him in his mind now.  Is that what he is worried about?  His memories of Hayden becoming fuzzy?    We had an empty chair.  I need to take extra time to have everyone share their memories so I can give him something to hold on to.  To reassure him his brother will always be remembered... how could we ever forget part of our heart???   My heart breaks over HIS fears and heartache.  When you are a mom, you feel like it’s your job to make all the hurts go away.  Even when it’s impossible.

I look at the angel bear.  That the nurse so lovingly put on Hayden’s chest.  To capture the final moments of his physical heart beating.  A treasure.  My angel.  

Today will never, ever be the same.  Christmas feels different.  The excitement and wonder of a house full of tiny children is over... in the past.  There is nothing like that.  That, to me, was the wonder of Christmas.  There is so little that makes me feel that kind of joy on this day.  I worry that I didn’t give enough, do enough.  Kids grow up.  They grow families of their own.  My mother-heart rejoices in that.  And mourns the changes too.  Today my rejoicing is more solemn.  Today I am grateful for the true meaning.  That the Savior conquered death.  That one day the empty chairs will be filled again.  That the beating hearts that stopped, will one day beat again.  One day there will only be hellos.  Never again goodbyes.  This Christmas has been hard.  They will all be hard.  I know that.  And even knowing they are hard, doesn’t mean I am having a hard time.  I’m just feeling.  Allowing the emotions to go through me.  They fill in the empty spots and make me more grateful.  But the pain won’t go away.  Not ever.  I wouldn’t want it to.  Like Noah... I don’t want my memories to get fuzzy.  If feeling those memories brings pain... so what?!?!?  It also brings joy.  Joy that I got to experience life in a way that makes me ache because they have passed by.   The memories also bring peace.  Beautiful peace.

Because a baby was born, grew up, taught us how to live, died, and because he conquered death and was resurrected, I get to have joy.  Perfect joy.  Even if the memories leak out as tears down my face.  There is still joy.

Merry Christmas.

December 25, 2017

We did it.

  We dreaded it and wanted it here and done all at the same time. 

 But we did it.  

This was the strangest Christmas.

  But we survived. 

 We laughed. 

We smiled. 

We didn’t fake it.

  We took every moment as it came and if we needed to cry, we cried.  

We don’t like the hole left in our new life.

  But we still have each other and we have love.

  A whole lot of love.  

That is why the hole is so large. 

 Because we have love.

  We couldn’t help but think of the what if’s.  

There was so much about this day that Hayden would have enjoyed.  

I have no doubt he is proud of us and how we made it through.  

We did it.  

We will keep doing it.  

Because our story doesn’t end here.

  This story is about forever.  

We will stand together. 

 We celebrated the birth of the Savior today.  

Because of that birth, all things will be made right.

  I don’t know when, 

I don’t even know how, 

but I know in the end we will be whole.  

My family is my greatest gift.

  Every day I am grateful.  

 Because of them, there are a million reasons to smile every day. 

 Merry Christmas!!!

December 25, 2018

We were shutting down the house last night and I stood alone in the living room looking at the stocking and all it represents.

  It  was finally quiet after a day full of family.  

 It’s amazing that one personality can add so much,

 or leave so empty the space in a home.

   The second Christmas wasn’t easier.

  In fact in many ways it was harder somehow.  

The peace I feel doesn’t take away from the fact that Thayne and I went to a grave

 and cleaned off a headstone on Christmas Eve 

instead of wrapping his presents.  

Sometimes it’s easy to pretend he’s just off on an adventure 

like the kids in Oregon or Utah or Idaho.  

Sometimes I talk and I can hear him answer.  

Angels are real. 

 They’ve always been real to me.  

There have even been times I feel his arms around me.  

Yet... he isn’t here.  

He won’t walk through the door.  

Instead of buying Christmas presents for him, 

I made sure we donated some in honor of him.  

Today I don’t want to be strong. 

 Today I want to be sitting on a beach, 

with nothing resembling Christmas to make me feel this way.  

Today I want to hide away and not feel like I am walking through sludge. 

 Today my mother’s heart aches for all the loss in this life.  

Today I am also grateful for the reason we celebrate.  

Because He lived, and died and lives again,  

I will be able to wrap my arms around him one day.

Love him for Always

 Love.  It’s a choice.  The initial attraction, the connection, might happen out of the blue and take your breath away.  It’s the day to day choices that keep you breathlessly in love.   Life is hard, and messy, and sometimes painful.  Sometimes the storms rage and you feel like you are going to drown in the waves, and you lose sight of each other.  Sometimes we let each other down and break each other’s hearts because the grief and pain is unspeakable.  Yet love is still a choice.  A conscious decision to remain steady, and fiercely loyal, and find comfort in the lifetime of steadiness you have provided one another.  Love is a commandment.  If we are commanded to love, it must certainly mean we have power to do so... that we have the agency to either be in love, or be out of it.  We get to choose whether we let the storms raging break the love, or strengthen it.  Sometimes, for a moment, you can’t see the other side of the storm.  But love can definitely be the life preserver that keeps you afloat.   It’s buoys you up and keeps you from losing yourself in the raging sea of pain.

In over 33 years, there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t allowed my love for him to be front and center in my life.  There hasn’t been a day in all of these years that I haven’t remembered the moment we met and the overwhelming feelings of love for him.  In the moments I haven’t felt “loved” by him, I have prayed to know, and been overwhelmed by love for him.  I have been reminded of the breathless love, the steady love, the enduring love, and the promise of eternal love  when all is said and done.   At the end of the day, he is my person, and I am his.  I can do hard things when I have him by my side.  I don’t know where I end and he begins.  I am grateful every single day that I get to walk through life with him!

These pictures make my heart almost burst.   We have walked through some pretty hard stuff, but oh how we love.   I look at these pictures and know the battles he, and we have fought.  I know the demons he’s conquered behind that smile and I know how much he loves  us.  I love his tender heart, with all of mine.  I will love him for always because forever will never be long enough.

Weary

Tonight I went through Nate and Noah’s room to clean and organize it.  At one point the chaos was great and my poor Nate just stood there frozen with tears running down his face.  I found it ironic that I was struggling to not do the same thing.  It happened to me the first time I deep cleaned the kitchen cupboards after Hayden died.  I think it had been a year.  I had basically opened the door and stuffed whatever groceries were bought for far too long, and the day finally came that I had to do something about it.  Many times I stand by the dryer in the laundry room with tears running down my face.  Don’t ask me why.   Many times I would go down to do laundry and find Hayden’s clothes in the washer.  So I would dry them, fold them and set the basket in his room.   Always as I did it, I hoped he knew how much he was loved and how amazing I knew him to be.   The laundry room always makes me think of him.  Yet for some reason I could barely breathe cleaning their room tonight and Nate felt it too.  Unfortunately I know my closet is waiting for the same tender loving care, and I can barely breathe thinking about doing it.  

To be completely honest, I am weary to the bone.  I’m tired.  I’m sinking as I think about the holidays.  I just don’t want to.  My ideal would be to just go.  To a beach.  To my happy place.  Ignore       Pretend we aren’t celebrating another holiday with a piece of us missing.  But we have little kids.  We have grandkids.  We have people expecting normal.  Whatever that is.

I spend a lot of time okay... I have peace.  I find comfort.  But I am riding a wave of grief unlike any to this point.  I’m tired of expectations.  I’m tired of everyone else’s grief being more important.  I’m weary of worrying about how Hayden’s death affected everyone else.  I’m weary of having no soft place to fall.  Because whether anyone admits it or not, there is an expectation, and even a judgment of how I am supposed to be. I’m tired of feeling alone in a room full of people I love.  I’m tired of looking out for everyone else’s feelings and reactions but nobody checks in with me.  Or worse, is mad that I need my feelings to be seen.   I’m tired of being the doormat to everyone else’s feelings.  I’m simply tired.  Tonight I’m tired.  I have sat here alone in the hot tub and watched the trucks go up and down the back road and fought the demons screaming inside me.  Imaging what it would feel like to know the next truck I see go by is him, coming home.  Tonight I’m tired of the silence.  Tonight I’m angry that nobody sees me or my pain.  Tonight I’m angry at the choices that took him away and left anxiety, PTSD and utter heartbreak behind.  I’m weary of wondering if Nate is going to have a good night, or a night full of horrible dreams and listening for him to come racing through the house not even awake but in panic mode.  I’m weary of listening to Thayne’s  nightmares and whispers of “no, no, no” and trying to comfort him while he sleeps. I’m weary of hoping each morning will be an okay morning for Noah to go to school without a fight, or worse, a complete meltdown.  I’m weary of waking up at 2 a.m. wishing someone was listening for my bad dreams.

How’s that for a pity party.  I know I’m not alone. I know it. But I’m going to ride this wave tonight and just feel it.  And tomorrow I’ll get up and face the world and find a million reasons to smile.  Tonight I’ll be weary.

Hayden and Wyatt graduated together!

I am quite certain the school was more than a little bit excited to get these two boys out of there!  In fact that will likely be the last of our kids to graduate from that high school because so far the rest of the kids have decided to homeschool through high school.  I can't say I feel bad about it.  I had quite honestly come to believe that getting Hayden through high school would be next to impossible.  We pulled him out the end of his freshman year after some serious issues with a couple of the teachers.  We had tried everything and hoped that homeschooling with be beneficial to him.   But he was a square peg in a world full of round holes.  We pushed and begged and prodded him in hopes of him doing the work.  That boy just didn't fit any molds and he wanted to do things his way.  So Thayne put him to work, mostly to keep him near and help him figure out what he wanted to do with his life.  He left his freshman year with, I think it was 4 credits.  Despite his brilliance.  I felt lost for the next couple of years trying to figure out how hard to push.  The beginning of what would be his junior year, he met a teacher that was running a new program to help kids like Hayden finish high school. Within a few short weeks he moved through his freshman and sophomore year and by his birthday we learned that he would be graduating a year early.  Which meant he and Wyatt would be graduating together.  Poor Wyatt.  Not only did Hayden get to walk with him, but since his name started with an H, he would be receiving his diploma ahead of him!  If I was going to lose Hayden a month later, I am forever grateful that I got to watch those two boys walk together and receive their diplomas together.  I think maybe Wyatt may have been annoyed when he first found out.  But I know he is grateful now that he got to share that night with his brother.  They were two of the three original bandit boys.  They were the best of friends and enemies at times.  But they got this night together.  It will always be one of my best memories.  I was so happy that night.  I love these boys so much.  It wasn't easy to get here, but they did it, and I am grateful they did!