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Marie — LiveJournal
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Jul. 30th, 2020 @ 11:04 am
Monkey Brain is projecting calm, cheerful confidence. It knows we have a plan, we have resources, and we're going to be okay.

Lizard Brain is full of gut-churning anxiety, and has a vocabulary consisting largely of variations on "ohFUCK!" which it is shouting randomly at high volume.

Monkey Brain is developing a craving for Fried Lizard Brain on a Stick.
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May. 18th, 2020 @ 09:04 am
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Don McLean, American Pie
I almost posted this to FB today, and chickened out. If I put it here, I'll have it handy in case I change my mind.
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Sorta-kinda vaguebooking...
There's a thing I used to have. ("Thing" isn't the right word, but it'll do for now.) It helped me do something I loved and was reasonably good at.
It requires a significant commitment from someone else.
I haven't truly had it, not in fullness, in over 20 years.
I miss it.
I don't know if I miss it enough to ask any of my friends whether they're up to a similar commitment.
I don't know whether I really want to make that commitment again myself.
I don't know whether I still love doing the thing, enough to ask. A part of me says that if I truly do love doing it, I'd be doing it without the help. And I do still spend a lot of mental time on it, but that's as far as I go.
There are issues of self-worth wrapped up in this.
Issues of resource management - time and energy, other commitments that I have now and didn't have before.
Issues of what can best be described as "relationship management" - not letting the thing take over or damage a friendship.
I'm afraid to ask.
Afraid I'll be rejected.
Afraid I won't be.
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Apr. 16th, 2020 @ 08:10 pm
Current Mood: aching
Current Music: Haydn string quartets
Stress dreams, brought on by the strains and oddities of this cloistered season.

Back in 2011 I wrote of finding out, quite by chance, that my first serious boyfriend had died some years before.  https://marielaf.livejournal.com/54727.html

I dreamed of him this morning. He looked nearly as young as when I last actually saw him, but in the dream neither of us was quite that young, or quite as old as we are (or would be) now. We were helping someone - possibly a relative? an older woman, at any rate) clear out a garage. We finished, and we hugged before he walked away to his car.
If I close my eyes now, this minute, hours since the dream ended, I can remember how it felt to have him in my arms, and to be in his. I remember the kiss he brushed on my cheek.
I remember him walking away.
I didn't think, after all these years, that it could hurt quite so badly.
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Mar. 13th, 2020 @ 08:14 am after-action report: two weeks of Kenosha practice, and a hiatus
Current Mood: awakeawake
Kenosha, 4 March: Dycon, Danelle, me. Felt out of sync and it showed: sloppy feet and dead arm. Poor focus (not helped by non-fighting distractions). No real learnings, but still better than not going at all.

Kenosha, 11 March: Luca of Windhaven, me. Nearly cancelled when Ana's migraine and Dycon's knee pulled them out for the evening, especially since I was dealing with both a weather migraine and a severe flareup of tendinitis in the right shoulder and wrist. Having a visitor kept me honest... The shoulder didn't mind fighting singlesword right, though I had to rest the wrist on occasion. But if I'm going to play Spanish style, I have to fully commit to the highest line or the arm gives out really, really quickly. Would also have to speed up my hilt defense. Fun fights, I think I taught a couple of useful things, and he seemed to have had fun in the match.

As of 12 March all practices, meetings, events, etc. in the two Kingdoms are suspended for the month because of the pandemic. We'll see what April brings... EDIT: April will bring another month of hiatus. May is TBD. Sigh. FURTHER EDIT: May and June cancelled as well.
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Mar. 2nd, 2020 @ 04:23 pm after-action report: Courtin' on the River 2-29-20
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: Peter Kater: Lifted
Nine fencers: Maire, Ix, Alexander de Seton, Alexander of Dark River, Tyberious, Zachary, Stephanie, Ulfr of Calontir

Warmup: S&D vs AdS with S&Buckler - Not bad for warmup passes. One strong block with dagger triggered the right-wrist tendinitis; switched to fighting sword-right (weight was less painful than bending the joint) for a few passes. Made him work for what he got.

Auth partner for Stephanie's dagger auth: S&D sword-right. She's fast and aggressive. Good fights.

Rapier Melee 101 class: case in 4-on-5 lines. First few engagements were purely and not successfully defensive, then found my mental footing and gave as good as I got. Class was truly fundamentals - needed for some of us, good review for the rest. Combined with the offensive and defensive melee classes from MKAOD I feel a good bit more confident about stepping out onto the field.

Round robin tourney, best 2 of 3 passes, double kills not re-fought: S&D all bouts, almost entirely sword-left except after losing the arm on occasion.

  • Ulfr with sword-left S&B: Please, please, PLEASE let me face more lefty S&B! Dagger to block the blade out, sword in over the board. Won 2/0

  • Stephanie with S&D: Very fast-moving, lots of near misses, lots of laughter. A fun fight. Lost 1/2

  • Maire with S&B: She wasn't on top of her form - I should not have been able to take her so easily. Unfortunate hard shot to her right shoulder when she didn't move as far as I thought she did. (I still feel bad about it.) Both wins were upper right torso close to shoulder. Won 2/0

  • Ix with case: Mental win of the day - I fared much better against him than the win/loss numbers say. Made him work for at least one of his wins. Very happy with my performance in the bout. Lost 1/2

  • AdS with S&B: Back to sword-left against him, dagger was working well. Ran into problems when he took the dagger hand out. Lost 1/2

  • Alexander of Dark River with S&D: This one could have gone either way - came down to slight errors of coverage or movement. He took the first two but we fought the third for the joy of it. Lost 1/2

  • Tyberious with S&B: Looks slow and moves fast; got the only one-shot of the day in on me. Second pass was better, but probably my weakest bout of the day (one of the last ones, shoulders and wrist were all complaining pretty loudly). Lost 0/2

  • Zachary with case: Hilarious. I kept binding both his blades out to either side - not exactly a winning tactic, but certainly a survival one. Also could have gone either way, all wins were chance shots that slid through. Great way to end the day. Lost 1/2

Most of my losses were high centerline shots, often after losing one arm. Legged a couple of times, one head shot (AdS, I think). Really, really need to work on singlesword (either/both hands) against S&D.

Great day. Glad I went, glad I fought.
Tourney record:

IMG_20200229_153550988
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Feb. 27th, 2020 @ 04:53 pm after-action report: Ayreton Jefferson Park practice 2-26-20
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: Herb Alpert: Second Wind
Pack light, expect to park in Savings Bank lot on Milwaukee, gym is at top of narrow winding stair and is very warm. Good traffic made the drive just under an hour from work, total drive home just over an hour.

First outing for new sword. Definitely feeling the different point of balance (more in the hand than in front of it) - significant difference in amount/location of soreness today. Grip feels much less bulky and clumsy. Still slightly worried about stiffness, need to play with its flex as compared to Dycon's Castile. Should get used to it fairly quickly.

First set: single vs Colleen. Obvious that I don't fight much single any more. Slow to warm up, but holding my own toward end.

Second set: S&D vs Gwyn. Told her to push me "until it was obvious she was beating me into the floor." Felt a little slow and sloppy; improved, but not sure if I was getting back into groove or she was dialing it down. One or two decent passes, most of my victories came in under her right arm.

Third set: S&D vs Colleen. Much more equal, though probably because she's not that versed in the form yet (and I use a longer dagger). Kept taking her dagger hand/arm, then losing mine, then losing the pass (see above re: not fighting much single any more). She's a very fun fight in any style.

Fourth set: S&D vs Christian Fournier. Praised my defense. Noticed that I was using dagger high/sword low and allowing him (as a righty) to bind and beat my blade down out of position to strike. Worked a couple of passes with specific focus on sword high/dagger low and improved. Also talked about what to do when in a close bind (retreat, disengage by withdrawing blade and immediately following up with attack). Had a couple of passes when I would come in close while using both blades to bind his sword to my left, then disengage and strike with the dagger - unexpected and effective. (Of course, if I miss on the attack I'm dead.) Talked about strengthening the forearm - definitely a thing I need to do. May use weights, may just go back to wall pushups, TBD.

Final set: S&D vs R2 using single. Wish I hadn't already been quite tired by the time I got to him; he outclasses me on a good day, and my arms were basically done before we got started. Had a couple of okay passes, got in once nicely over the sword arm again (looks like my bread-and-butter target against righties), but got sloppy as I got tired. Started doing the looping swing instead of thrust, was trying to incorporate the high-sword from the bouts with Christian but kept letting my point drift well out of silhouette. He's not a fan of holding the sword in 4th position, but I still find it fixes more problems than it creates. A thing to ponder on.

Tracking "evidence" of openings left in defenses: One stiff shot from R2 just off edge of gorget bib - no foul, I ran into it; one poke dead center on the bra line (probably from Gwyn); one minor scrape to inside left elbow.

Did not face: Kai, Kevin, PJ (didn't armor up), new fighters Eric and Dylan

Some enthusiasm for coming up to a Kenosha practice. Felt very welcomed at this one and will come back on occasion.
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Jul. 30th, 2019 @ 11:13 am
Current Mood: aching
It's hard enough to be a parent.

It's even harder when your kid (and it doesn't matter how old they are, thirteen or thirty) has a grief and you can't do anything about it.

But when you're a continent away...


I'm...happy isn't the right word, because I'm not happy that she's hurting... but at least it's some kind of comfort to me that she still calls to cry on my shoulder.
That she doesn't resent the fact that I'm not there, or that - even if I were there - I can't do anything to fix it.
And thank the Fates that she does have Tom there for her.

But that doesn't make it any easier to sit here and hear her pain.

Dammit, Digi-Kitty, you were an awesome cat. Thank you for coming into our lives. We're going to miss you an awful lot.
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Mar. 27th, 2017 @ 10:38 am squee!
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Tags:
The first two volumes of "Dragonbreath" and the first three of "Hamster Princess" (both by Ursula Vernon) came in today. They're destined for the Frank Elementary book drive next week. After I'm done with them.

I know what I'm doing in the evenings this week... *giggle* *squee!*
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Mar. 1st, 2017 @ 12:11 pm A Season of Intentionality, 2017
I don’t observe the season of Lent, per se. But it does have solid psychology behind it:
·       A delimited timeframe, long enough to be effective, short enough to not seem unmanageable
·       Public acknowledgment of the observance, which helps reinforce compliance
·       Mutuality – knowing that others are committed to a similar observance
·       A focus on intentionality over the entire timeframe rather than a run-up to a goal.

I see no reason not to leverage that good framework, while at the same time supporting my Christian friends who do observe the season. So here’s the challenge I’m setting for myself, beginning today and ending on Sunday, April 16 (Easter Sunday).

1.     I will abstain from eating meat on Wednesday and Friday. As I plan my meals and shopping, I will consciously remind myself of the millions of people around the world for whom my “simplified” daily fare would be a banquet.
For each day that I do this, I will donate $5 to the Northern Illinois Food Bank (up to a total of $60).

2.     I know that I currently spend at least half an hour a day playing games and using other time-wasters on my phone. By removing (or hiding) those apps, I can return that time to other uses – such as a daily call or e-mail to my elected representatives, a short workout, or additional time for current projects.
For each weekday or Saturday that I make one call or send one e-mail and complete a workout, I will donate $1 to the ACLU (up to a total of $40).

I’m not posting this to get kudos and warm fuzzies. I’m posting it because a public commitment drives accountability. I invite my friends to check in with me and hold me to my promises. And if you would like to join me in a six-week season of intentionality, please feel free to add it here so we can support each other.
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Nov. 14th, 2016 @ 08:08 pm nightmare 11/13/16
Current Location: dreamspace

Edited to correct spelling errors (the LJ app stinks).

It was an art colony or shared workspace kind of place, a maze of old warehouses and shipping containers set up and partitioned for studios and workshops. People largely wandered through at will; there were doors, but most were open, and the expeditious route from one workspace to another might be partly on outdoor grassy paths (sheltered here and there by overhanging galvanized-metal roofs) and partly twisting through wood-floored shops and ateliers.
A jogger went by, in capris and neon tank, iPod buds firmly in her ears, dark ponytail bobbing. A last bit of rain or condensate dripped from eaves,  but the sky (morning, I think) gave the impression of clearing clouds.

I'd been to visit someone at one end of the complex, and took a leisurely path back to my destination: a wood-floored and -walled space set up as a shop, with shelves of pottery and heavy art-glass vessels. There was a counter, wood also, and a couple of rickety stools drawn up to it. I might have been visiting the glass artist, because as I sat on one of the stools there was a heavy glass bowl on the counter; a ridged oval the size of a large melon, like a serving bowl, milky white with swirls and spots of many colors.

At a similar counter a few paces away, a young (early to mid-20's perhaps?) man half stood, half lounged facing me. I knew him but not well, but he was not out of place - he belonged there in some capacity, whetber woking there or a customer or at minimun an acquantaince. He was tall and lanky but not disproportionate, simply not yet come into full muscularity. His dark wavy hair was parted offcenter and hung down into his face a little on one side; his eyebrows were strong and dark over brown eyes behind wire-frame glasses. He wore jeans and a light-colored checkered shirt.
We were chatting lightly, idly, of what I don't recall but not of anything of import or emotion. He fidgeted a bit as we spoke, then took a step toward the shelves on the wall behind me.

Suddenly I was pinioned from behind. My feet were tangled in the rungs of the stool; my upper arms were pinned against my body. I could reach the glass bowl on the counter, but didn't have enough freedom of movement to make any effective contact with it. I tried to throw myself backward, butt back with my head, but it was no use. I tried to scream, to shout for help, but no sound came from my throat. Then a great bar of pressure - his other arm, most likely - fell across my throat, and all went black.

Next I knew, my field of vision was filled with a smartphone screen, and page after page of news text was scrolling by too fast to read. It slowed after 5 or 6 pages, and came to a stop at a photo: hasty, angled, pointing down at a body on the ground half covered with a sheet. My body, mouth in rictus, hair awry, and great livid marks across my collapsed throat.

At which point I awoke, aware that I had been dreaming, but still unable to speak for some moments.

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Jun. 27th, 2016 @ 09:00 pm Huh.

You've heard of Resting Bitch Face?
I apparently have Resting Listening Face.
People I've never met before will tell me the damnedest personal things about themselves; their life stories if I show the slightest encouragement.
I just don't get it.
The only thing I can figure is, I'm a lip-reader. I guess it looks as though I'm utterly fascinated with what they're telling me, when I'm really just trying to decide whether they'd just said "tomato" or "tomorrow."
I gotta work on that, I guess.

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Jun. 14th, 2016 @ 12:02 pm
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
I had a text-message conversation yesterday that absolutely tore me apart.

HER:  I wanted to say thanks again, by the way. For being totally awesomely cool for being my friend. Considering Orlando and that there are people who are not at all unhappy about what happened, you know, I wanted you to know how wicked awesome and special you are.

ME:  Aw, dammit. The simple fact that you feel gratitude for someone trying to be a decent human being breaks my heart. You're a good person. Your're fun to know. You're funny and talented and smart. I just don't get how the matter of who you do or don't choose to love, what gods or goddesses you do or don't honor, is anyone's business or why it should set you apart at all. You are an irreplaceable human being. That's all that matters.

HER:  What you wrote is why I love you so much.

Trying to live by the Golden Rule shouldn't be so unusual that it stands out to be remarked upon...
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Jun. 2nd, 2016 @ 09:37 am Pel survey for TI

I was recently invited to participate in a survey for an upcoming edition of "Tournaments Illuminated" that will focus on the Order of the Pelican. These were my responses.

Questions, answers, and points to ponder...Collapse )

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Feb. 24th, 2016 @ 11:27 am *grumble* On Clothing
Current Mood: waiting for the network server to come back up
Current Music: Ottmar Liebert: Surrender 2 Love
Tags: ,
I hate clothes shopping. I hate jostling with other people to pick over poorly made, poorly designed clothes that I don't like and that don't flatter me. I hate trying to shop online and figure out whether something that looks good on the carefully lit and photographed size-6 model has a prayer of not looking like a clown suit on me. (Not to mention the joys of returning the things that don't work out.) I hate not being able to find styles that suit both my body and my taste, because they're not currently fashionable.

And so I do my best to avoid clothes shopping at all; and therefore every few years I find myself in the predicament that faces me now: utterly sick of the few standby pieces that fit, are work- and weather-appropriate, and aren't visibly worn out.

Of course the ultimate answer is to go back to sewing for myself. When I only worked 2-3 days a week, way back when, I did. A few years ago I managed to get a handful of simple short-sleeved, jewel-necked blouses made, and those are nice. I have wool and gabardine laid aside for skirts and pants. But now it's a struggle to get one simple dress or tunic done for an SCA event - the chances of re-kitting myself out completely for everyday wear are slim to none. (And let's not talk about the dubious joys of buying underwear or shoes.)

If I had the resources, I'd commission a wardrobe made to measure, in good quality fabrics.

  • Five long-sleeved, cotton or linen button-front blouses (black, white, three other solid colors)

  • Five short-sleeved, cotton or linen pullover blouses (black, white, three prints)

  • Five fine-gauge, long-sleeved, round- or shallow v-necked sweaters

  • Five assorted long- or short-sleeved t-shirts or short-sleeved sweaters (black, white, three other solid colors)

  • Five pairs of tailored, lined wool or gabardine trousers (black, brown, grey, tan/khaki, blue)

  • Five straight or A-line lined wool or gabardine skirts (black, brown, grey, tan/khaki, blue)

  • Two tailored, lined jackets (black and tan/khaki)

  • Two knee-length, short-sleeved, princess-line sheath dresses (one solid, one print)

​Everything would coordinate. Every variation of weather and work occasion would be covered, without having to think about it, and without wearing the same thing day in and day out.

...A girl can dream...
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Oct. 1st, 2015 @ 09:07 am
Current Mood: calmcalm
Thoughts. (while waiting for the insurance company to call me back)
·         She’s fully expecting one or both insurance companies to just settle. The amount she’s asking for is a standard policy liability limit amount.
·         I wonder if she realizes how much of anything she gets, will go directly to the ambulance chasers? My understanding is that they get half to 2/3 of anything recovered. If that’s so, she might wind up with enough to buy a car. I find that amusing.
·         If everything goes against me, insurance doesn’t do anything, and I wind up paying the entire amount she’s asking for – it’s not going to break me. It’ll wipe out my retirement account (thanks to the tax penalties on early withdrawals) and make incidental-money tight for a few years, but that’s all. Knowing that takes a good bit of fear and strain out of the equation.
·         Naming both drivers in the complaint is interesting. Either she
a.      Is going to split any money received with the other driver, or
b.      Had better not ever ask him or anyone in his family for a ride again!
·         The details of the complaint against the other driver agree with my own perception of what happened – he was speeding, and he did speed up into the intersection on the yellow. It’s a small thing, but it helps restore a bit of my faith in my own judgment.
·         I actually don’t hold anything against the ambulance chasers. (Using this term since I don’t lump them in with the lawyers of my acquaintance who practice in other fields.) They wouldn’t be operating if there weren’t a demand for their services. I am saddened by what liability/damages suits say about the state of our culture.
a.      “It’s a big company, it’s got lots of money, I should get some.” But where does that money come from? You and me. Every time an insurance company has to pay out a settlement, they have to recover that money from somewhere – and that means spiraling premiums and tightening coverage.
b.      People are afraid to take responsibility for an honest error, because “I screwed up and I’m sorry” isn’t acceptable any more. Everything is now “you did this to me and you must therefore be evil and you must PAY!”
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