I opened my eyes to walk through a spring or summer's day
As I turned a corner to see the children laugh and play
And watching them an angel of old I remember in my dreams
In so few moments, I felt what so long since gone had seemed
Then woke again to watch that glorious scene of beauty fade
And left in its place an empty room of cold that it had made
I turned in sorrow with only tears of grief and she was there
To hold me in her arms again and ask what sadness I had to bear
I lay reminded twice of what was gentle and kind in my memory
For so few have I seen that my heart will liken as to she
And of her peace and faith I have never seen a match so true
So dearly will I forever hold the memory of that angel I once knew.

Now that I look back on it, I think I've been avoiding this journal just as some people I know have been avoiding me. It seems a strange thought. Avoiding a journal? Why? I said before that sometimes it seems easier to tell a journal what's happening than it is to tell a person. Maybe I just had a period where I didn't have much to say or just had something I couldn't say, to anyone or anything. I also said before that it seemed like my life had become one long dream that I wasn't waking up from. Every so often I get a huge dose of reality and I got another one last week. Apparently I'm to be expecting a third child. I've had mixed feelings about it, although I think I'm slowly adjusting to the idea. I think it's another instance where it won't really hit me until it's time. I guess it's not so difficult to believe that, like the characters in a television show that you watch from a distance and follow, it's easy to get swept away in any life, be it someone else's or your own. Sometimes it's difficult not to ride the waves of life, only looking as far as the next one coming at you. I recalled a time tonight when I went for days without food or sleep, helpless to focus on anything but my love for someone. I lost a friend when she discovered how I felt and it wasn't from me. She had a beauty all her own and to this day I wonder what would have happened had I been the one to speak up. My feelings for her still exist in a way, though I haven't seen her in years. I came to a conclusion of sorts tonight. Every moment in life is a lifetime unto itself. It comes into being, it is, and it passes away. It may linger as a memory, slowly fading over time for those that possess it, and eventually going to the place that all such memories go. It's not so much that I'm trying to rationalize something as I think I've discovered a simple truth. I've always believed that it was possible to change overnight, to have a life-altering revelation, to fall in love at first sight, just as it is for a moment to pass as quickly as the last breath of life can be lost. As cliche as it may sound, I see it as a small bit of wisdom: life truly is short. There shouldn't be anger or resentment, second-guessing or hesitation, fear or doubt. All things are possible. I don't think any specific event has brought this out, nor any particular tenant of faith, belief, spirituality, or religion. I think perhaps what happened was that I simply did a little soul searching and came to some sort of resolution within myself. I've always had an inexplicable feeling that I would leave this world long before most would expect. Though in a small selfish way I hope to be missed, I hope more that I leave some mark of goodness on the world I leave behind, however small it might be. I want my life to be meaningful, not because of ego or pride, but because life itself should be worth at least that, as should the love I carry with me until that day.

"What else can I do when the tears have all been wasted?
And the only voice you choose to hear
Sings the songs of our hearts breaking.
Say your dreams, they all have changed.
Well, my smiles, they all have faded.
And the thoughts that used to seem so pure in my heart,
They now feel jaded.
Because I wanna feel like I did.
And I wanna feel innocence.
What else can it be except this pride I'm sick of drinking.
Storm clouds all have gone away.
Can we stop this thing from sinking?
Because I wanna feel like I did.
And I wanna feel innocence.
And I want you to know,
And to feel in your soul,
That someone has come and gone.
I'm stuck up here with you.
I never thought we'd get this high.
I used to be afraid of falling.
Now I'll spread my wings and I will fly.
I wanna feel like I did.
And I wanna feel innocence.
I wanna feel like I did.
Oh, and I wanna feel innocence, oh. I..."
-- Hootie and the Blowfish, "Innocence"

For those of you who hadn't heard, actor Pat Morita passed away recently at age 73. He has been immortalized in his role as Mr. Miyagi in the inspirational "Karate Kid" films and his spirit will live on in his work and memory.

I just noticed that new My LJ feature and it's wicked cool! If you look at my Friends page, it's the same small group of people that keep posting over and over, like aldyth. And I keep replying to her posts. You ever have that happen to you? Kathryn's birthday is tomorrow. She's turning 2. We're having a party for her with some family members and close friends at Chuck E. Cheese. I remember having a birthday when it was Billy Bob's. And now that building is a Hooters! *lol* I think I'm going to take a shot at installing Fedora on my desktop this weekend and turning it into a dual boot. I've seen taphu use it and it looks really cool. I'll become a certified Linux geek yet! Did you know Firefox has some really kick-ass extensions? I'm using FasterFox, Adblock, TabBrowser Preferences, Gmail Notifier, Web Developer, FoxyTunes, and Download Statusbar, just to name a few. The latest release, 1.5 RC1, has a great update system, too. Ever tried to program a MUD in Python? I'm doing that with a group for a school project. I'm looking into possibly taking a game idea I've been toying with and making a senior project out of it. Involves some interesting GUI and Internet programming. I'm also taking a special projects course next semester that will put me working at CBIT. I'm wondering how that will work out.

... but aldyth made me do it.

Comment on this entry and ...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.

I laid down to go to sleep about 11. Sometime around 12:30 or so, Whit woke me up and brought me to bed. Brennan woke up sometime around 2:30 and wouldn't go back to sleep until I changed him and fed him. Once I started him eating, I decided to flip channels. The Butterfly Effect was on and not far in, so I watched it. I haven't written much lately, although I could easily chalk it up to just being busy in general. Watching the movie made me feel like I should write something.

Some people write to remember. Others write to let their feelings out. I'm not really sure why I write. Maybe I feel like I can tell a journal what's going on inside my head, and that's a lot easier than telling another person. I don't really know who or how many people actually take the time to read this journal. Of those that do, I'm not sure how many really care what's here.

Someone asked me not even a week ago if there was anything good in my life. I wasn't sure how to answer. I love my children, the ones I knew almost ten years ago that I wanted, the ones I saw in my dreams long before they were brought to me. I can't stop myself from questioning whether or not they came at the right time. I know I'm partly responsible for their being here now, and whether I think it was the right decision or not, it's one that I have to live with.

Someone once said that things in life have no permanence. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Up until about the time I turned 17, my life was predictable, mediocre, and didn't swing to any huge extremes. Then I lost two of the people I held most dear, something I doubt I'll ever recover from. I feel like I lost my family, like we all went separate ways on a journey that would change our lives from the way I always remembered, so they'd never be the same.

For the longest time, I searched for something to believe in. I felt hopeless, lonely, looked for anything that might bring me comfort. I found someone who would love me, only to lose faith that we might ever be together and to choose someone else. I thought that this new person coming to me was a sign of what choice I should make, and I made it. So much has happened since then, and when I look back at it all, it feels like I'm watching a movie of someone else's life in my head. It's all some huge dream that I feel I should be waking up from, but the end never comes.

I've begun to doubt that anyone can ever be truly happy. I don't know if I'm wearing the antithesis of rose-colored glasses and just don't see the moments of happiness or if there simply aren't very many of them. I love to laugh and play with my children, but I hate having to be the parent that protects them from themselves when they don't understand what I'm doing or why. I love the moments when I can remember the early days of my relationship with Whitney, when our love seemed so pure, so perfect, so genuine. I feel like my mother has just been going through motions for the longest time, and now I wonder if I'm not doing the same thing. Just living out each day, so focused on getting through it that I don't stop to think about what I'm doing anymore or why.

I've always been the type of person to ask the "what if" question, to imagine what would happen if my choices had been different. I can still remember a single moment where, had my choice been different, my life would be completely changed. Just one choice, one decision, that could make now nothing like it is. My wife and children might disappear, I might even be dead. I don't know what changing the choice might have brought, but I can't help but wonder. I do feel a sense of self-loathing for considering the thought, because I should be happy with the life I have. It's better than most people probably have it. When I look in the mirror, though, and ask myself if I'm happy, I can't lie. I spend more moments unhappy than I think I should be. I keep telling myself that it'll get better and that things will change, I keep trying to have faith when I say it, and my faith always seems to be blind.

Am I crazy for thinking these things? Am I a bad person? My children deserve a good father, a good family, one that they can depend on and share their lives with. I probably don't deserve them and I don't know what to do. When you've brought a life into the world, everything you do affects it. It's a lot easier to be careless with your own life because, well, it's yours. But if someone else suffers when you make a mistake, their suffering isn't something you can ignore, block out, or change. Maybe I'm making more out of this than there is. It wouldn't be the first time I've made mountains out of molehills. Still... if I think about this so much that I've written this much already, isn't that a sign that something is wrong, even if it's not what I'm thinking of?

I don't know who to say what to anymore. I used to be able to talk to Whitney about anything. These days, I feel like I have to hold my tongue, keep my feelings a secret, or just risk losing everything anytime I take a step in the wrong direction. Even if I'm not the best parent for my children, even if this wasn't their time to be here, I don't want to lose them. The thought just makes me want to break down and burst into tears. If it weren't for them, maybe changing things would be easier. I feel bound by my responsibility to them. I don't want to make them unhappy just for the sake of my own happiness, but I don't want to grow old to become someone who's indignant and miserable because I made the choice to sacrifice my own happiness. I say that, and I don't really even know anymore what would make me happy. I feel like I don't have the time or energy to find out. It's like life is this huge wave, pushing me forward, and I can't stop to try to figure things out. Whatever I have to do to sort my life out in my own head, I don't think it's something I can do here.

If someone is still reading, you probably think I've lost it. I don't expect anyone else to understand. Hell, I don't understand it myself. Maybe I'm just having one of those identity crises. The shrink I talked to back when I had the nervous breakdown said my depression might be a seasonal thing. I don't know, maybe he's right, and maybe it's just that time. Who knows... who cares... I think I'm starting not to. Two hours until I have to get up and do it again. Guess I should sleep, for what good it'll do me. Whatever I need, I hope I find it soon.

First off, I'll refer you to this post of mine.

Next, I'll show you an e-mail forward of a news article that I received today. There was no commentary from the sender accompanying it, so I'm not sure if they agree with it or, like me, think it's a serious contender for the Top 10 Biggest Crocks of Shit I've Ever Heard in My Entire Life.

( Here's the e-mailCollapse )

And now...

( Here's my responseCollapse )

"It's just a fringe benefit!" --George Bush (no, not really)

Kayne West's "George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People"

Subject: Why is this little man still President?
Date: Sat, 03 Sep 2005 20:36:15 -0000

I am extremely concerned that the ability of our nation to prepare for
and respond to disasters has been sharply eroded. – James Lee Witt,
Former FEMA director (March 24, 2004 hearing on Capitol Hill)

It appears that the money has been moved in the president's budget to
handle homeland security and the war in Iraq, and I suppose that's the
price we pay. Nobody locally is happy that the levees can't be
finished, and we are doing everything we can to make the case that
this is a security issue for us. – Walter Maestri, Emergency
Management Chief for Jefferson Parish, Louisiana (Times-Picayune, June
8, 2004).

Officials have warned that if a major hurricane hits New Orleans,
thousands of people could be killed and the city could be flooded for
weeks as flood waters breach the levees ringing the city, which has
the topography of a saucer that dips several feet below sea level in
many places. – (Associated Press, May 16, 2004)

For years, forecasters have warned of the nightmare flooding a big
storm could bring to New Orleans, a bowl-shaped city bounded by the
half-mile-wide Mississippi River and massive Lake Pontchartrain. As
much as 10 feet below sea level in spots, the city is at the mercy of
a network of levees, canals and pumps to keep dry. Scientists
predicted Katrina could easily overtake that levee system, swamping
the city under a 30-feet cesspool of toxic chemicals, human waste and
even coffins that could leave more than 1 million people homeless.
– Allen G. Breed (Associated Press, August 28, 2005)

I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees. – George
Bush, returning from a six week vacation three days after Hurricane
Katrina devastated the Gulf Coast (BBC News, September 1, 2005)