We Made It!

Well, we arrived in Sacramento around 10:30 am yesterday. The flight was painless enough. We went straight to our niece and nephew's (Luci and Roman) preschool. Abigail, Matt and his dad picked up Luci from her morning preschool class and went over to Jody and Cesar's house to play. I stayed at the preschool to help Matt's mom with Roman. It was fun to see how much the teacher likes Luci and Roman, and see a different preschool experience. Then we spent the day at Jody and Cesar's helping babysit. We had a great time spending time with Matt's parents and our niece and nephew. We also enjoyed catching up with Cesar he got home. We stuck around until Jody got home, and we really enjoyed spending time with her. We all had ice cream cones, and Abigail loved it! Normally, Abigail does not like ice cream, but she tried cookies n' cream. She loved it! She ate one whole ice cream cone and then had another one. Matt promised her if she was really good on this trip she could have all the ice cream she wanted. Ice cream is definitely something that is always on hand at the Van Dusens, so it works if that's what will motivate her.

Well, more tomorrow.

Proud of my Work

I just spent 4 hours last night (and a couple hours today tweaking it) writing a paper about structures within the educational system that marginalize certain groups. I'm kind of proud of it, but mostly I'm relieved it's finished.  It's not due until Sunday night, but I am super busy this weekend, so I really needed to be done with it by tonight. Here it is:

In all societies there is a dominant group that holds power to set up structures and make decisions for the rest of the members of that society. Often without knowing it, members of the dominant group oppress minority groups. One of the most common places to find these limiting structures is within the educational system. In the United States we are no exception. This essay will examine the negative effects of inclusion and pedagogy on deaf students in general education classrooms.

            In the United States as well as other countries there has been a huge push for the inclusion of all students with disabilities. The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) was passed in 1975. It called for free and appropriate public education for all and for students to be educated in the Least Restrictive Environment (LRE) as much as possible with children who are not disabled. There has been a push for the inclusion of all children with disabilities into general education classrooms. I have witnessed this in my career as an interpreter, and Easterbrooks and Beal-Alvarez (2012) quantify this observation. In 2005 49% of deaf students spent 20% of the time in general education classrooms, 18% spent between 21% and 60% of the time in general education classrooms and 20% spent more than 60% of the time in a general education classroom. Proponents of inclusion believe all children learn best in general education classrooms. They also believe social interaction and integration of disabled and non-disabled children is more important than quality learning, and programs that separate children go against a child’s civil right to be segregated from his non-disabled peers (Cohen 1994).

Similarly, England’s Special Education Needs law requires that children who are disabled be placed in general education classrooms if at all possible. If the general education classroom is absolutely not an appropriate fit, there are other placement options available (Jarvis & Iantaffi, 2006). Inclusionists are so anxious to have all children in general education classrooms that little consideration is given to exceptions – for example, Deaf children. 

Deaf children are often externally identified as disabled and therefore pushed into neighborhood schools. However, Deaf people who use American Sign Language identify as having a rich culture, history and language that connect them with other culturally Deaf individuals. If time was taken to really understand how Deaf people view the world and, more importantly, how they learn best, inclusion may not always be pushed on Deaf students.

Claire Ramsey (1994) did research that shows how inclusion is not the best option for every deaf student. She found that students in general education were not able to communicate with Deaf students intelligibly. They often invented signs and gestures, believing they were being understood when they were not. Hearing students also found that they could easily get the attention of Deaf students by tapping them on the shoulder, and it turned into something to do for entertainment. (Ramsey 1994). I have seen first-hand how cut off Deaf students can be from communication in the general education classroom. I have seen on numerous occasions where hearing students do not engage with Deaf students, regardless of if they know ASL or not. I have also witnessed students who reach out to Deaf students and try to communicate in any way they can. However, this second scenario happens less often. It has saddened my heart each time I have witnessed a student ram a desk into the back of a Deaf student’s desk, slap them on the shoulder or bang on their desk in order to get the Deaf student’s attention. Then there are the times that I have seen teachers shake or lift the front of the Deaf student’s desk into the air to let them know that lecture is starting. These are all inconsiderate ways of getting one’s attention, even if they can’t hear. A teacher would never do such things to a student with hearing. This contributes to whether or not a Deaf student feels safe and comfortable in the classroom.

Another problem with inclusion is the fact that Deaf students who use ASL require interpreters to receive information as well as to be understood by others. Cohen (1995) asserts that communicating through an interpreter is not the same as communicating directly.  He states that “no matter how good an interpreter is education through an interpreter is education through a filter” (Cohen 1995). As an interpreter, I can testify that is true. First of all, I can never interpret 100% correct 100% of the time. I am human and perfection is simply impossible. Secondly, I see and understand the content to be interpreted through my schema and my fund of knowledge. As much as I try not to influence the message, the interpretation that I produce will always be tinted by my personality, schema and fund of knowledge. In addition, 95% of deaf students have parents who can hear. Often those students come to school having no form of language. They are expected to learn sign language through an interpreter as well as the content of the class. Cohen compares that predicament to having to learn Russian and computer technology at the same time (1995). Furthermore, my mere presence affects the dynamics of social interaction between the deaf student(s), peers and the teacher, which affects the overall educational experience for the Deaf student. 

Another challenge for Deaf students in general education classrooms is pedagogy. Jarvis and Iantaffi (2006) believe that teachers must realize that not all of their students will experience the world in the same way they do. It is imperative that teachers be able to understand how their students view the world and in turn how they learn. Many teachers don’t give much thought to the complexities of having a Deaf student in their classroom. It has been my experience that teachers will sit at the back of the classroom and lecture while expecting all students to keep their attention on the power point at the front of the room. For the Deaf student there is also an interpreter to watch to receive what the teacher is saying. Teachers often play an educational movie while expecting the students to do a worksheet without thought to the fact that a Deaf student can either watch the movie or do a worksheet, but not both. It doesn’t cross many teacher’s minds that a Deaf student cannot be looking at the interpreter and/or the teacher’s lips and their paper to write notes at the same time. Teachers often ask a question of a Deaf student using an interpreter and move on to another student to answer the question before the Deaf student has even received the question due to lag time involved with using an interpreter. With a few easy adjustments the playing field for Deaf students could be a lot more even.

An obvious part of the problem is ignorance and lack of awareness on the part of teachers. Teachers in training programs typically spend very little time studying how to work with students with disabilities and the realities of what life is like for them. This only contributes to the problem. Jarvis and Iantaffi (2006) share the experience of a teacher in their teacher preparation program, who was ignorant to the needs of Deaf students and learned what a disservice she had done them during her student teaching. In one of her first days in her special education class after having completed student teaching she stated that Deaf people do not dance. Her reasoning was that they could not hear the music, so of course, they wouldn’t dance. Over the course of the class she found that although Deaf people can’t hear the music, they can feel the beat. Just like with anything some Deaf people like to dance and some do not. She also came to realize that during her student teaching when she had documented Deaf students for copying off other students’ papers and not knowing the answer when called upon in class, the problem was the inflexible structure of the class and not the Deaf students. This gets right to the heart of the matter. The problem is the structure –the improper placement of Deaf students and inflexible pedagogy methods – not the students.

References

Cohen, O. (1995). The adverse implications of full inclusion for deaf students. International

            Congress on Education of the Deaf, 18, 1-7.

Easterbrooks, S. R. & Beal-AIvarez, J. S. (2012). States' reading outcomes of students who are

            d/Deaf and hard of hearing. American Annals of the Deaf, 157(1), 27-40.

Jarvis, J. & Iantaffi, A. (2006). ‘Deaf people don’t dance’: Challenging student teachers’

            perspectives on pupils and inclusion. Deafness and Education International, 8(2), 75-87.

Komesaroff, L.R. & McLean, M.A. (2006). Being there is not enough: Inclusion is both deaf and

            hearing. Deafness and Education International,8(2), 88-100.

Ramsey, C. . (1994). The price of dreams: Who will pay it. Johnson, R.C. & Cohen, O.P.

(Ed.)Implications and Complications on Deaf Students of the Full InclusionMovement, 31-40. Washington D.C.: Gallaudet Research Institute.

Stinson, M. & Lang, H. (1994). The potential impact on deaf students of the full immersion

movement. Johnson, R.C. & Cohen, O.P. (Ed.)Implications and Complications on Deaf Students of the Full InclusionMovement, 31-40. Washington D.C.: Gallaudet Research Institute

Ramblings of Gratitude

WARNING: THIS IS VERY LONG.

It is not very organized. I've had all these thoughts boppin' along in my head for a week and had to get them out. 

It's mostly for me, but I would love if you wanted to hear what I have to say.

I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that I don't even know how to express it. Those who know me well know that I am not light-winded, so this is quite a feat. I have felt the need to express everything that has been going on in my world over the last week, but I just haven't found the time to do it. With starting the master's program tomorrow I know I need to just get it out, because there definitely won't be time after tomorrow. 

First of all, I have to say that until going through this miscarriage I had a very clouded view of what miscarriage actually is. After the fact I realized that everything that I have based my knowledge of miscarriage on is from a book I read in high school in which a character had a miscarriage as well as my mother's experience miscarrying from my 8 year frame of reference. There was so much I didn't know about miscarriage. I was pretty shocked when I started having so much back pain that my back was completely locked up. For the first 3-4 days I couldn't straighten my back all the way. When I could walk on my own I was hunched over holding onto walls and furniture as I made my way around the apartment. I think that was the only time I have ever been grateful for living in such a small apartment. Other times Matt had to help me roll over in bed, get out of bed and/or walk to the bathroom. I'm so grateful for him.  All of this happened during finals week.  He made the choice to skip his finals to help me and take care of Abigail. I don't think I could have made that choice. He knowingly chose to risk failing his classes in order to take care of me. Luckily, his teachers had pity on him (and me) and gave him incompletes in his classes, so he could finish the coursework on his own time this next semester while he's taking other classes.

Matt has been my rock through this entire experience. I love him so much!!! I couldn't have asked for anyone better. He may not understand social cues and how to be socially appropriate without the hairy eyeball from me, but I couldn't ask for a more loving man. He has refused to cry in front of me or Abigail.   I knew how incredibly excited he was for this baby, so I knew he had to be hurting, but from day 1 when I started spotting just over 2 weeks ago he just held me and told me everything would be alright as I sobbed and yelled out in sadness, frustration and fear. That night he told me he was going to be outside.  I was in bed and out of it and Abigail was entertaining herself, so I wasn't concerned. After a while I was really missing him, so I decided it would wise to get outside and water the plants. Abigail came with me. I was surprised that I couldn't see Matt anywhere. A neighbor asked me if I was okay. I told her I wasn't and cried in her arms. We talked for a while.  I still couldn't find Matt. Before too long he turned up. Apparently he had been in his car talking to his mother and crying. When my faith started to waver he always told me it would be okay. A week later on the day we found out that it was for sure a miscarriage Matt let me cry and even took Abigail out so I could be alone and process everything how I process things -- writing. (With the last post I knew that there would be people who would read with differing belief systems from mine. For a split second I thought about limiting the religious piece, but it's just who I am. I can't look at miscarriage without seeing God. Religion is not just something that I do. It's so entwined in who I am. I am sorry if it made anyone uncomfortable, but to be honest I'm not very sorry. It's just who I am and people who know very much about me know that. It's how I'm coping, and the blog is more for me than anyone else. A fellow believing friend told me that it was a great opportunity to witness. That's not what I was intending. My only intent is to express myself and if you can see God in my experience we have something in common. If not, it's okay. That's not why I love you.)   That's when I wrote that last blog post.  Afterward I decided that I would go running to get things going. That was a mistake. I ended up walking, because just as I was leaving I started getting some pretty good back pain. Then as I walked up every street in our neighborhood with an incline my back pain started to get worse.  From that night on I have had pretty bad back pain.  It, of course, varies in its severity. So, the point of all of this is that Matt has dropped all of his responsibilities, handled the emotional side of all of this on his own and through his own channels (Thank goodness for his mother and his sister, Jody, who have always been able to calm him down or talk sense into him when I can't.  And thank goodness after a little prodding he was willing to sit down and read my blog and the comments and posts left on Facebook with me.  It was very therapeutic for him and gave me great comfort to read and shed a few tears together for our joint loss.) was able to move forward. He juggled homework, taking care of Abigail, taking care of me (which was almost harder than taking care of Abigail) and trying to keep the house functional. It's a lot to ask of a man, and through it all he has been here for me 100%.

So many people have approached me in one way or another telling me of their experiences with miscarriage.  I was aware of some of their miscarriages, but many of them I had no idea they had had a miscarriage. That makes me more and more aware of the fact that I have approached this differently than so many, but it also makes me so grateful that I approached it the way I did. While this loss has become very public I am so grateful that people have reached out to me instead of me having to find people to reach out to. I think I would have felt very alone through this whole process, and instead I feel a huge outpouring of love. When I think about it I can't help but tear up a bit; not because I am sad (although I have experienced moments of that) but because I am touched deeply by the love and concern I have received. Some have said what a strong woman I am.  It is hard for me to believe that, but that comes from years and years of low self esteem that I have been trying to reverse. Let's just say I believe it more than I did 5 years ago and I am accepting the compliment.  That's a big improvement.

I have basically been spotting for 2 weeks. I had severe back pain for about a week and then started cramping for about half a week. Today at 9 weeks and 4 days gestation I had my D&C surgery. They gave me a general anesthetic and I was completely out before they even rolled me into the operating room. I didn't know how I would respond to anesthesia. I've had general anesthesia several times and I generally don't recover all that well.  I recovered fabulously. I was very tired at first, but I just rested in bed. I couldn't sleep, but I did my best to stay down. I was so grateful to Anna Smith for watching Abigail half the day while I was at the hospital. I got to spend about an hour with Abigail and then Megan Merkley picked her up and Abigail played with Emma for about 4 hours. They have gotten to be good friends. I was watching Abigail play with a friend outside while waiting for Matt to come outside and take a shift when a neighbor and friend, Alicia Curtis, came and sat on the stairs with me to see how I was doing.  Then Heidi Smith came out with her son to take out the garbage and they played and she checked on me. These interactions mean so much to me. I love the little community we have here in our little 10-plex that we live in. Heidi also brought over dinner tonight, which was just delicious!! I am doing great! I have lots of energy and I'm in no pain at all (at least for now; hopefully, that will continue to be the case.) I have the urge to do a massive cleaning of the house so that there's not a dirty sock in the whole place or smudge on the floor. It has taken all the will power in me to listen to the medical staff and not overdo it. So, I did the dishes and I wrote this ridiculously long blog in order to keep from doing all the surface AND deep cleaning in one day. Yay me for making the better choice, even if the best choice is to lay down all day.

Well, I am going to call it a day and pray for this same energy tomorrow at 6 AM when I have to get up!!!

For Everyone Who Saw Our Baby Announcement

Well, the cat's out of the bag. I kept it quiet until I knew for sure what was going on, but it's confirmed now. Last Sunday we went to Hyrum and had the privilege of watching my brother bless his newborn baby, Colton Jay Davis. We spent the night and early Monday morning we headed back to Salt Lake because I had a doctor appointment. I started spotting just before the appointment.  During the appointment the doctor couldn't see the baby on the ultrasound. That's when I knew. I also had some blood tests to check my hormone levels. The bleeding stopped Monday night.  We went over to Matt and Melissa Watson's house.  Matt helped give me a blessing and Melissa was just a really good friend. The blessing gave me so much comfort. I was told that the baby would be okay and that Heavenly Father was happy with the choices that Matt and I are making and that now is the right time to go back to school. Thank goodness for that, because on Tuesday I got my financial aide award letter from Westminster and it wasn't what I was expecting. I was ready to throw in the towel and accept the educational interpreting job I was basically offered with Utah Schools for the Deaf and Blind when I attended the Mountain States Deaf Education Summit. The priesthood blessing was really comforting, but I really wanted to know whether the baby would be okay as in it would be mine to raise in this life or it would be okay and it would return to Heavenly Father and it would be apart of our family in the next life. I tried my best to function off the assumption that the baby would be fine in this life. My faith was strong at times and at other times as the test results started coming back or when I realized that I hadn't had morning sickness for awhile I didn't see how it was possible for the baby to be okay in this life.

I attended the temple twice last week.  I was hoping for some kind of revelation that the baby would either live or not.  I never got that kind of personal revelation, but I felt an overwhelming calm come over me. Since I quit my job at the school district we will be going on medicaid next month since I will be taking 16 graduate credits per semester in the master's program. While I was in the temple I got the impression that medicaid may not cover the pregnancy medical costs since I got pregnant before we would have gone on medicaid. I don't know if I received that impression for comfort purposes only or if that's how it really works, but it made sense to me. Looking forward it wouldn't be such a bad thing to give birth a little later than I was planning. It will be a plus to not give birth exactly a month before finals. I know it will continue to take time to finish miscarrying. And then there will be some time before we can start trying again. By the time I get pregnant again I will probably have a due date after I finish my student teaching a year from this Christmas.

Regardless, I still continued to try to believe that God could and would grant me a miracle. I know that He is capable of it in the past and the present. I have seen enough broken bones that miraculously weren't broken minutes later on an x-ray or impossibilities becoming possible. Most of the week I stayed on bed rest, but Friday I returned to all my regular activities. Friday night I started spotting. By mid-day Saturday it stopped only to return again, only heavier this time, Saturday night and it hasn't stopped. Since I was bleeding as much as I was I asked for another priesthood blessing. I was blessed that my body would heal quickly. I tried to still believe that a miracle was possible, but in the back of my mind I knew I was losing my baby. Even today before I talked to the doctor I tried to believe that my body could heal and carry the baby full-term. When I talked to Dr. Beckstead tonight just before closing it wasn't much of a shock that it was a miscarriage.

I'm really grateful that my Heavenly Father shed mercy on me and sufficiently prepared me for the news. I am so grateful for the comfort we receive through the Holy Ghost. I know that my baby is okay. I know that the baby's spirit has gone back to be with my Father in Heaven. I know that my deceased family members will take good care of the baby. I know everyone believes something different, but I believe that we have a loving Father in Heaven who wants us to gain all that He has. He set forth a plan in which we would all have the opportunity to come to Earth and receive a body and prove ourselves faithful. I also believe that some spirits are so righteous already that they don't need to be tested. They only need to receive a body. I believe my baby received a body and was able to return to Heavenly Father.  I believe that my baby is now teaching spirits about Christ's gospel who did not have the chance to hear about it in this life. I believe that I will be reunited with "her" after this life.  "She" will be apart of our family. I know that everything will be okay. I am sad, because it feels like a loss even though it isn't. That baby will be mine in the eternities and it gives me the strength to make the most of my life and be the most righteous person I can be so that I can be reunited with my child.

I let Matt and Abigail announce my pregnancy right away. Then as people who know me well could see that I was obviously showing I decided to announce it on facebook. Some people might think that it "serves me right" to announce so early, but I don't think I would have done it any differently. At one time in my life I kept my thoughts to myself, but that's not the person I am now. I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I hadn't announced it yet, I would have tried to hide inside myself. I would have felt that it was socially inappropriate to talk about it. I wouldn't have known who to reach out to. Since I already threw social tradition out the window it means I can talk about it if I want to.  It means I can tell individuals if I don't want to talk about it. It means I don't have to figure out who to depend on.  It means the people who care about me will hold me and just let me cry if I need to. It means people who have had similar experiences can share their stories with me and understand what I'm going through. And there's nothing that gave me more joy than seeing the light in Matt and Abigail's eyes when they announced my pregnancy to people who are important to them. I would never take that away from them.

Now for the most popular question, "How are you really doing?" I am sad, but I will be okay. I am ready to put myself back together, take charge of my house after being on bed rest for a week, start exercising and take control of my body. Most of all, I just want to forget myself in service. I want to worry about other people. I'm tired of worrying about myself. Yes, I'm sad and when you ask me about it I might burst into tears, but I really am okay. It's just the mom in me being separated from my child. Don't shy away from me. Don't avoid me. Don't avoid talking about it. All you have to say is, "I'm sorry and I love you!" It doesn't have to be awkward around me. I can't promise I won't shut some of you out for a little bit, but I promise I'm doing the best I can and I'll come around sooner than later.

I love you all!!!

I Love My Life

I am really grateful for my life. It certainly hasn't taken the path I thought it would, but I couldn't ask for a husband to love me more than mine does.  He works hard to get the training he needs in order to get a job that will support us all.  He has been super supportive of everything I've wanted to do professionally, even if it meant taking him out of California. His family definitely suffered the consequences of that.  I know they really want us to move back to California. 

Abigail is wonderful! She is spicy and sweet all wrapped into one.  She is stubborn.  If she knows something is naughty and she sees others doing it she doesn't hesitate to let them know. She genuinely wants to obey, but sometimes she wants something a certain way that it is so hard for her to obey. She really tries though. She genuinely loves others, unless you hurt her.  Then she is a little bit of a grudge holder (Unfortunately, she gets that from her mother.) but she is working very hard at forgiving and forgetting (like her mom). She is such a little sponge.  She learns quickly and loves to learn.  She loves art projects.  She hardly plays with her toys, because she spends all her time drawing, coloring, cutting and gluing whatever she invent in her mind.  She has a quick imagination.  Daily I see her pretending she's the teacher or a vendor at the "Festival of Rocks" or that she's on vacation on the back porch.  Luckily, none of our neighbors seem to mind that she has props for her imaginary world scattered across our shared back balcony while she's playing out what's in her imagination. 

I know there are people who look at my life and don't think it's much.  I know we live in a small apartment.  I know that I'm a working mom.  I know I don't have any family in Utah. I know I don't get paid commensurate to my level of education. I know there will be a big gap between my children. All of that is okay, because it's the people in my life that make it one of joy. My little family is perfect, and my in-laws are amazing. They are all so supportive of me and our family. They accepted me from the first time that Matt brought me to meet them.  Of course, my family is great too. They put in the effort to keep a relationship with me even if they are on the other side of the continent.  And I couldn't be more grateful for the special friends in my life that I count as family.  It has been hard for me to make friends here in Utah, but I finally have a place I fit.  I have people who genuinely care about me and who want to spend time with me. 

I am truly blessed! I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for loving me and blessing me so much with the wonderful people in my life. 

Diary of an Overreacting Mother

So, for everyone who is following my last post I'm sure Abigail will be fine. She went to the doctor today. Three weeks ago when she went to the doctor she had an ear infection in the right ear and fluid in the left ear. Now she has an ear infection in the left ear and can't hear out of it and a lot of fluid in the right ear as well as really swollen tonsils. She is on an antibiotic and children's Mucinex, and she has a follow up appointment on February 5th. For now we can only assume that her inability to hear is caused by the ear infection. I know I was overreacting Sunday night and I'm kind of embarrassed. On the other hand, it's how I was feeling at the time and I needed to get it out there. I think because of the field I work in I automatically thought it was permanent. When I sat down to think about it for a second I realized that it could be a million things. I want to thank everyone for being there for me even though I was being irrational.

I have been at work from 7am-8:30pm today and am just now seeing Abigail for the first time today. She is very whiny and acting sick. Kind of funny, because she didn't act sick at all before she went to the doctor. Last night before bed she was a little stuffed up, but that was all. Oh well... Hopefully we can get this all resolved. I hate seeing her sick.

Once again, thanks for the support!

What?

So, lately Abigail has been saying "What?" after we tell her to do anything, even if we repeat it 3 or 4 times.  Honestly, it has been so frustrating. And she did that about a year ago, because she thought that would be funny.  So, when she started doing it again we started giving her time outs.  Tonight Matt suspected that she couldn't hear out of her left ear.  He had me whisper to her from across the room. I did it with the room quiet and it took a while for her to turn toward me. We turned her so that her left ear was toward me and she didn't respond at all. Then Matt whispered in her left ear, "I love you." She repeated what she heard... garbled nonsense words.  Matt whispered, "I love you," in her right ear.  Abigail immediately responded, "I love you too, Dad." We tried a couple other tests, which continued to confirm that she wasn't hearing out of her left ear.  We realized that she has been saying "what?" since she got her ear infection and started taking medicine for it.  We also realized that she has been sitting closer to the t.v. this week when we let her watch tv and that today in church even after we told her to whisper she was speaking at the same volume she normally uses to speak. When we asked her about it she said, "No, I'm sorry." We felt so bad that she thought she was in trouble. After we explained to her that she was not in trouble she immediately said, "Yeah, I'm have trouble hearing." We have been signing more lately anyway, but tonight we made the pledge to sign all the time and make sure to talk to her right ear.  We haven't heard any more "What?" since we started that.

We both feel REALLY bad that we've been punishing Abigail when she legitimately hasn't been able to hear us.  Matt feels worse than me.  He blames himself for not knowing or scheduling a follow-up appointment after she finished her antibiotics. Even still I cried for a second after she went to bed thinking about the challenges she COULD encounter.  Almost immediately I started feeling guilty, because of all people I feel the most equipped to deal with something like this. And it's not the end of the world. I'm also trying not to freak out, because we definitely don't know anything yet.  It may be something as simple as needing tubes or it may be permanent. We really won't know until we take her to the doctor.  For now we will just adjust to accommodate her needs. Then once we figure out what is going on we will take everything one day at a time. Definitely not the end of the world either way.