hello from my very sunny living room, where the plants and i are just hanging out (with my fish! i got fish! don’t tell my landlord!) because yesterday was my second vaccine and i blocked this entire day in case i needed to spend it fevering and achy in bed, and instead ended up…fine. tired, but fine (although i’ve been tired since last february so i’m not sure this is anything to write home about?).

anyway.

somewhere among the endless articles about *gestures wildly* all this, i read (or heard? who can be sure? the world is an endless scroll!) someone note that the past year has really brought out people’s true colors. BOY HOWDY HAS IT. i’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my own experience, ranging from guilt that i no longer work in clinical medicine and have somehow let down the front lines, to gratitude for still being healthy and employed, to consoling myself with the knowledge that even though all this Time In The Apartment is slowly driving me mad, it is also Helping The Common Good.

my brain remains a scramble when trying to process to what extent the trump administration, our lack of social support systems (hello health care! what up government subsidies ensuring people don’t have to risk their lives at work to be able to still pay the rent! hi corporate taxes that could make this all possible!), and Our Most Favorite Rugged American Individualism will make the pandemic so much longer, and so much worse, than it could’ve been. we are very much still in the thick of it. and if i have to see another microblade-eyebrowed, ombre-haired MLM ‘boss babe’ tiktok-ing in her minivan to tell me She Knows Best when it comes to whether or not to take the vaccine and that i should just eat some veggies and snort essential oils instead…SO HELP ME GOD.

as anyone who knows me can attest, i am a Professional Rule Follower, which makes it really, really easy for me to fixate on rule breakers. i can think about the people i know who have lied about their work and health conditions in order to jump the vaccine line. i can think about the indoor event i attended in my very conservative hometown a few weeks ago, where i was one of maybe three people among hundreds who actually had a mask on. i can think about an acquaintance who owns a small business that has consistently broken the occupancy and operating rules, and the self-righteous nasty grams her coworker sent to my colleagues in local government who were in charge of enforcing said rules. i can think of the woman who has parlayed her husband’s death from the virus into a two-book deal, a tv show, and instagram sponsorships. i can think about the professor of public health who has six children and, weeks ago, gleefully exclaimed on a zoom that they were headed to disney world.

or.

i can think about boomer, the meat manager at my grocery store, and how he’s exhausted himself daily for over a year to make sure there’s chicken on the shelves. i can think about the irish pulmonologist from loyola who looks and sounds like a hogwarts professor and who, yesterday, testified in the chauvin trial with so much patience and empathy and generosity of spirit when explaining to the jury the abhorrent way in which mr. floyd ran out of air, even after what i’m sure has been a relentless year of treating covid patients. i can think about what our kids and educators have dealt with, and how they have risen to the occasion, adapting day after day. i can think of this nurse. i can think of dr. kati kariko. i can think of victor blue, and all the journalists putting their lives on the line to tell the stories of this time. i can think of the writers, musicians, actors and artists who have well and truly saved us. i can think about the teamwork, perseverance and science-led thinking with which other countries have risen to this occasion, and know it doesn’t actually have to be like this. i can think about the billions of other people, here and abroad, who continue to make decisions that are unfun but in the best interest of their community, even though they’re Really Freaking Sick Of It.

as we dive headfirst into How Is This Possible Year Two, let’s stick with the latter and stay disciplined. unselfish. part of the solution. let’s see it through.