Sometimes people leave your life without being fully aware of the impact they had on you or without a simple way to explain who or what they were to you. This is for one such person. I've put it together bit by bit over years and while it'll never be perfect, this is as good as I can get it. It's in rough chronological order; some songs cover different lengths of time and some cover the same time period simultaneously.

Playlist on YouTube and songs with some lyrics below the cut.

( Catharsis is a good feelingCollapse )

This entry was originally posted at http://prototypical.dreamwidth.org/498093.html

In the name of trying to be a better person, I'm going to use this post as a place to collect things that my friends/circle think I should warn for.

If it's a big, hot button thing, assume I'll already cut and warn, but I know that everyone has their personal triggers and squicks as well. Comments screened for privacy.

I think the only possible odd/uncommon triggers I have are sexual contact with a sleeping person or mental health terms being used as insults. Odd squicks -- pregnancy, hand injuries.

This entry was originally posted at http://prototypical.dreamwidth.org/491181.html

I was rereading this post just now because it was linked on Tumblr and I realized, not for the first time, that I have never identified as transsexual even though according to most people’s definitions, I fit it. I was assigned female at birth, lived as female for the first 21 years of my life, but identify as male and am taking hormones (and eventually will have surgery) to help both physical and social dysphoria.

I can’t place why I don’t use that word for myself. I just call myself a trans guy and that’s been my term for as long as I’ve been questioning myself and living as myself instead of who I was born as. Maybe it’s because I coped for years by detaching myself from my body and thinking about its specifics as little as possible. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have particularly strong physical dysphoria at first because of that. And maybe it’s because I subscribe to the school of thought that says a body is whatever the mind inside it calls itself. Men have male bodies, whatever anatomy a given person has. Women have female bodies, whatever anatomy a given person has. Nonbinary people have nonbinary bodies. And so on and so forth.

Another part that I’m not quite as happy to admit is that I tend to associate the term transsexual with people who completely fit the established binary and associated sexuality, presentation, and the like. And that’s just not me. I’m queer and have femme tendencies — I might want to act like a knight in shining armor, but that doesn’t mean I have to look like one or only end up with cis women like the stereotype goes.

So I’m a transgender guy, a boy in the making, a constantly changing prototype. And I don’t know how to explain this to people who ask me to explain the difference between transgender and transsexual. It’s not like I can link them to Ira’s guide when it’s face to face.

Hopefully this makes sense. I’m babbling because it’s getting late and I’m on pain meds while doctors try to figure out what’s wrong with it. But I'll talk more about that another time.

Apologies to those who saw this on my Tumblr too, I felt like crossposting.

This entry was originally posted at http://prototypical.dreamwidth.org/490804.html

Thanks to certain memes on Plurk, I have a plot bunny for the first multi-chaptered fic I've written in AGES going through my head. While I'm very confident about writing Muraki, and the story will be mostly focused on him, it's an NCIS crossover and it'd be nice to have other chapters from that side's point of view as well. Or simply people who can help me make sure I have my details right because there's no way I have time to marathon the entire show for the sake of one fic. Basically, the idea is a crossover with Muraki in America for reasons I need to figure out, in an AU where he has no strange powers, and ending up being someone NCIS has to work hard to snag.

I'll note now that this is going to be pretty dark. Murder, torture, blackmail, memory fuckery, kidnapping, and sexual assault are among the things he's capable of and might do to his victims. Helping me with either details or guest writing a chapter means dealing with that.

...anyone remotely interested in this?

Everything from 2005-2008, which includes all of my old fanfic from fandoms I've pretty much left, is now friends-locked. It's mostly for the sake of keeping the person I used to be a little more private. I was pretty embarrassing 7 years ago!

Food allergies: Tree nuts (but not peanuts, thank fuck), sesame, most other seeds (poppy and pumpkin, for sure), shellfish, tomato, artificial sweeteners

Medication: Sulfa drugs, Zoloft, latex, possibly lidocaine, whatever injected CT contrast dye is made of

Environmental/other: Most grass and tree pollens, chemical fragrances

Knowing my memory, I'm leaving something off this list too. I have to read ingredient labels constantly and sometimes I forget and Met asks/reads on my behalf because she's the best girlfriend in the world.

I can't believe I'll be 26 next Saturday. Given my depression and the things I've lived through, I never expected to make it to 25, much less nearly a year beyond that. It's really strange to think that when my mom was my age, she'd had two kids and spent a few years in the Air Force already. It makes me feel lazy when I realize that I'm still a student with a vague sense of direction and health just barely getting on track.

...and then I feel greedy because all I want for my birthday is money. I have meds to fill that'll cost me $28 but even that's more than the contents of my bank account. Don't wanna dip into my savings because that's next month's rent.

/stops whining now

In honour of All Hallow's Eve, I'm inviting trick-or-treaters to my 'door.' Comment "trick-or-treat" to this post and...well, you know the drill. Treats can be anything that strikes my fancy (pics of fave actors or pairings, one sentence fics, graphics, a few words why I'm glad to have you on my flist, etc. etc.). The more "houses" to visit the more fun it'll be, so go ahead, open your journal and help spread the fun!

Replies may be NWS or otherwise bizarre, but if I offend someone inadvertantly, tell me!

Oh wow, I'm actually using this more often -- I guess new LJ friends will do that to me?

In any case, here's a bit of backstory. I get migraines. In June, one of them made part of my face go numb and tingly and we spent a while at the ER being sure I wasn't having a stroke before they said it was just a complex one. Okay, now I know to deal with that.

Apparently, getting a stiff neck and otherwise seeming like I might have meningitis is another form of complex migraine too! Spend like 17 hours total at the ER figuring that one out. I hate not having proper insurance and only being able to go to one constantly overcrowded and apparently understaffed university hospital.

At least I got a referral to a neurologist out of it.

I'll get back to writing song fills once I don't feel like I've been hit by a bus.

Because I love what nuraya is doing, I'm shamelessly stealing the idea for myself!

1. Insert character, pairing, or group
2. Insert song (lyrics and/or just a video)
3. Receive small fic.

Some things I'm willing to write in may not be the best because of long time, no familiarity, but I'll try.

List of Fandoms
Weiss Kreuz
Yami no Matsuei
Absolute Obedience
Final Fantasy VII, VIII, IX, X, X-2, and XII (note: nothing other than original game and AC for FFVII. I've even forgotten DoC)
Rainbow (not that...anyone else here knows the series)
Death Note (no Light/L)
.hack//GU
Persona 3
Persona 4
Any RP universe we've interacted in
Ask if you know I've been into a series in the past/present but it's not on the list

Today I got my new glasses in, cut my hair, and dyed it. Then I realized that it's been a long time since I showed my LJ pics of myself. So this is 4 images -- one from before I started testosterone and three from after it.

As reference, I started it December 13, 2010, so it's been a bit over 10 months. Some of these pictures may be massive, so I apologize for making people's monitor's scroll or whatnot. BBCode is easier because I can make anything a thumbnail by changing img to timg -- why doesn't anything like that work in HTML?

( A gaze that feels excessive/Won’t even overlook the trembling of your kneesCollapse )

I haven't really updated in a while, so I figure I'll say enough to remind people of who I am! Still Ken, still a transguy in Albuquerque. My dosage was changed to 200mg/2 weeks instead of 3 and we'll see soon if that does enough to help my migraines and mood swings. Mood wise, my anxiety's been through the roof lately, which is bizarre because I've never been the type to get too worried about tests and other school performance indicators. I get more nervous about the other students and the teachers!

As far as school goes, I dropped Arabic because I simply couldn't focus on it and if I can't stop being terrified in yoga, I'll have to drop it too for the sake of my mental health. Gonna attempt to get into the phlebotomy program as soon as I can, though, since that means a certification I can use to look for actual work and maybe less worrying about money.

We're down to under $400 and I hate asking people for money because I feel like I've done a ton of that lately no matter how well we try to save up. Need to get back on food stamps, but finding the time for that is hard and the noises in the office are horrible. It also involves Met getting a letter saying she can't go to school and work at the same time. Neither can I, so I already have that note in my file. Fuck the sort of system that thinks people are capable of full time school and at least part time work because not everyone can handle it.

I'm trying to ease back into writing more, so if anyone wants to help that by giving me characters/pairing/groups and a prompt from a fandom I'm in, I'll try to write three sentence fills. If you don't know about my thoughts on a fandom, just ask.

Hell, if you need to ask me questions because you're new to my list or need a refresher on something, ask away. I'll answer whatever I feel up to.

Should do a proper update on this thing, but for now I'm going to facepalm about not realizing that I could only claim one thing at weiss_kreuzmas at first.

Blarrrrrgh, want to write instead of doing schoolwork.

Title: Aesthetic Death
Author: Prototype Boy
Characters/Universe: Chloe, Weiss Kreuz Side B
Rating: PG-13
Content Notes: Nongraphic violence

( Chloe enjoys pretty thingsCollapse )

"Sophie Amundsen was on her way home from school."

That's the first line to Sophie's World, by Jostein Gaarder. I love it so much I've let friends have copies twice and never got them back, so I've owned three seperate copies.

In other news, today is a really bad pain day and I've been on meds for it since I got out of bed -_-

Given what time of year it is? Take away all my old ones please and let me start over fresh without all the horrible things that weigh me down.

I'd lie and say that not much has been going on, but that's far from the truth. The past month and a half has been physically and mentally exhausting. Were it not for the help of some very amazing people on Plurk and in real life, I'd probably be hospitalized at this point. My last post date was the start of a horrific depressive flare for reasons I don't feel like explaining all over again. Suffice it to say that a lot of old issues about myself and sex have been dredged to the surface and I both know I need to deal with them and I'm terrified of it at the same time. I ended up dropping Amat and I'm slowly coming back from dropping everything sexual in fantasyland while awkwardly handling it in reality.

School-wise, I ended up dropping Intro to Anthro because I'd missed too many classes, but my other three went well and I should get at least 1 A out of the bunch.

My physical health is in the gutter, to a degree that nobody can figure out what is wrong, so I'm in constant horrible abdominal and pelvic pain that gets worse whenever I lie down, I'm scared because of that, and frustrated that a cause can't be found. My mom, sister, and stepdad have been sick and whatnot too. Fuck my life.

Things with Met are a bit uneven at times, but in a way that's nice because we actually work through things rather than just ignore issues forever like part relationships have involved.

Umm...I dunno what else to add here right now. Ask questions if you wanna get caught up on other things, I guess.

Trimming my flist today. Mostly getting rid of people I don't feel as connected to as I once did -- if I remove you, it's nothing personal.

- Comment with "Hello, sweetie"
- I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can get to know you better.
- Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
- Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions.

As asked by darkelf105

1. This is cheating because it's like three in one BUT, name one song that reminds you of your favorite time of day, one that reminds you of a really good time you had, and one that reminds you of one of your favorite characters. Explain why.
Favorite time of day:

Rise Against - Voices off Camera. My favorite time of day is really late night and the chorus of the song has the lines "But I need a place to stay tonight/I swear I'll be gone in the morning/I just need somewhere warm to close my eyes"

Really good time:

exist†trace - Liquid. I saw them live at Sakuracon and it was a blast!

A Favorite character:

Night Snipers - Doctor. As for why? I'll let the video speak for itself.

2. What scent do you find totally and completely irresistible?
I adore heavy incense-y scents, but frankincense is my favorite overall.

3. What's your favorite constellation? If you don't have one, you can use a story from mythology.
I don't know many constellations and I actually don't know a lot of myths, either. Picking from what I know, though, I like Orpheus's story because I feel really sorry for him.

4. You can have anything in the world but it'll cost you never hearing your favorite song again, seeing your favorite color, smelling your favorite scent, and you'll never get goosebumps again...would you make the trade?
I probably would, since the thing on that list that'd be hardest is hearing my favorite song...and even then I'd remember hearing it even if I couldn't hear it beyond that point.

5. Would you rather swim under the sea, or fly in the air, or be able to run long, long distance without stopping?
Flying. That's not even a hard choice -- I have dreams of flying a lot and once heavily wondered what the physical troubles of having wings would be.