The Murder House Dream

Every once in awhile, for a week at a time, I have what I call the "Murder House" dream. In it, I dream that my family (or a big group of people I love) moves into an enormous mansion. They all have bedrooms in the main part of the house, but mine is in the tower, or the attic, or the basement. It's always a gorgeous room -- more of a suite in size and fanciness, sometimes even a full apartment. But it's separate from the others who are usually all on the same floor. There are tons of stairs in the house and it's in a gorgeous location.

And then I find out that the part of the house that my room is in is haunted. There are one or more creepy ghosts who seem okay with me, but are malevolent against everyone else. Whenever I have someone over -- apologizing the whole time for the ghosts and praying that no one gets hurt -- it ticks the ghosts off and then pretty soon I start fearing for my life, too.

It doesn't take a genius analyst to interpret that I feel apart from a lot of the people in my life. They love me and include me as much as they can, but I am having a very different life experience than they are. It isn't anyone's fault. I just feel alone sometimes. And that's when the dreams emerge; when I resent my situation. When I am jealous of people who have what I want. When I feel pain when people talk about or post pictures of their families or vacation. When I have a tough time sympathizing when they complain about their home life.

When I'm having those dreams, I want to be left alone, and at the same time I wish I were more included. I wish I had a reason to get out of bed on Saturdays.

I don't know who to talk to when I feel this way. Actually, I don't WANT to talk about it, because I don't want people feeling sorry for me, because there is nothing they can do. I don't want them to change, or walk on tiptoe around me, or feel embarrassed by their good fortune and hard work and any adjacent struggles.

Worse, I don't want them saying "I wish I were in your shoes" or "At least you don't have to worry about..." and then making it about themselves. I don't want to have to take care of someone else when I'm already feeling sorry for myself. That definitely doesn't help.

I know that even when I marry I'll feel like this from time to time. Sadness. Loneliness. Everyone does. It's part of life. And that's okay.

I guess I just need to give myself a break and allow myself to feel sad. It'll pass. It isn't in my nature to stay sad for very long.

I really hate that dream, though.

Chitty onstage

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was a joy to perform. I loved the accents, the choreography, the bubbles, the toys that doubled as other things, putting crayons in my hat because I had nowhere else to put my "money", breaking the fourth wall, watching "Posh", "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang", "Grow the Roses", and "Teamwork" through the back wall, ad-libbing in a cockney accent before "Me Ol' Bamboo", Theresa dancing the guy part in "Bombie Samba", Julia the Toymaker teasing Theresa and I, pretty much everything to do with the Baron and Baronness, and so many other things. Judging by the laughter and applause, the audience enjoyed themselves, too. I am very grateful for the friends I made and the adventures we had together. It was a tough show to say good-bye to.

"There never was a car like this great car!"

"This is Boris the Spy. How can I help you?"

"I'm off to India!"

"Toot sweets! A bon-bon to blow on at last has been found."

"Act English! Be debonair!"

"You better never bother with me ol' bamboo!"

"Pretty Chitty Bang Bang, we love you!"

"It's the Vulgarians! They're after Chitty!"

"Ve are loyal to Vulgaria! Vulture of the Vest!"

"You must meet The Toymaker. She is called... The Toymaker!"

"SAMBA!"

Banishing the Baron
"But it's his birthday!"

The End!

Backstage at Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

I spent my summer with two of my best friends and a bunch of other wacky people, rehearsing and performing in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for West Valley City. Kate had a darling, creative concept, and cast Theresa and I as Goran and Boris, the bumbling spies. It was hilarious! I had my work cut out for me, figuring out the accent and the comedic style. Fortunately, I had a great coach and a great partner. I loved watching all of the characters develop. We had a blast. The kids worked freaking hard and ended up stealing the show, though I must admit Celeste's Grandpa was my favorite character.  "Posh with a Capital 'P'!"

Boris and Goran

Vulgarians!

We both look so pretty sans mustache/eyebrows ;)

Nate sings "Hushabye Mountain" to the orphans

POSH! I watched this song every performance

Emily was a charming and sassy Baronness

Sarah gives Ben a few notes backstage

We're so good at "sneaking." "Thank you, Gunter!"

I'd audition for Heather any time

Kate was 95% of the reason I auditioned this time.
All summer with my Dearest? No brainer!

Sarah is a new forever friend, and her girls crack me up

Third show with Todd, first in the same case (one of the benefits of single casting)!

Alexa and I laughed a lot backstage. She is totally organized, and a total sweetheart.

Michelle and Julia are pure sunshine

Favorite!

Charming, crazy kids

Stars of the show

Our true selves