I need a miracle to the tune of $600 by 3pm.

I don't know what to do. Death seems viable.

Oh boy, I should update about my life more!

Mom's doing well on dialysis. She moved to a better treatment facility, that actually will provide her transportation, so that's awesome.

I moved out to Asheville with my boyfriend, Chuck. It's been an awesome week and a half. We're down in Statesville right now, housesitting for his mom. :3

Um, yeah, that's kind of all I have to talk about right now. whee!

I don't often update anymore, and when I do it's usually full of Bad News and Grim Outlooks. So I'll start with the Bad News, and end on a high note, because for once, even when times are dark, there's enough hope in my life that I can still carry on with a smile.

The Bad News is, of course, Mom. She's getting along fantastic on her prosthetic leg, and has learned to navigate ramps with a walker. She's steady even on uneven ground, and when I take her out, we don't have to pack the wheelchair up anymore. (Her wheelchair, by the by, is a huge, heavy monstrosity due to having extra moving parts because she's only had one useable arm, since the other arm had a fistula put in, and that needed to heal.) Soon, she'll be able to forgo the wheelchair altogether, even at home, and will be able to walk with just a cane...and eventually, with no assistance.

The Bad News in this is that her kidney functions dropped, very suddenly, to 8%. This was three weeks ago. She started dialysis treatments, three days a week. They leave her very tired, low-level nauseous, and unable to eat most any food due to the combination of her health issues. Her coloration is looking a lot more healthy, though (if you ignore her permanently purple-bruised arm), and even though she claims being tired, she sounds a lot stronger. Her disability claim is being pushed hard, so hopefully she'll have that soon. In the meantime, the Kidney Foundation is paying her insurance premiums for her, as well as giving her help with her medications, even those non-kidney-exploding related. Which is a huge thing for her, since her insulin is $100+ a month WITH insurance.

I've been taking her to dialysis for the time being, but due to the Good News, I'll be moving out of town come late July/early August. We're working to get her set up with a van to come pick her up and drop her off. I'm really hoping they can do that.

As for me, and my personal life....

I met someone. It started off as a very casual relationship, but it's surprised me how fast it's become Serious. He lives about three hours West of me, which makes it a long-distance relationship, which is sometimes really hard...but we're making it work. And if things are still going smoothly, I'll be moving out there end of July/beginning of August. My own place, close enough for him to come over whenever.

I threw a rod in yet another car on my way to see him Tuesday. I was thirty miles out of the meeting area, and he'd already driven an hour and a half to get there. After I arranged the tow and told the family what happened, I called him nearly in tears to tell him I wasn't going to make it to lunch. I knew he'd understand, I knew he wouldn't be pissed at me or upset about it.

What I didn't expect was that his first words would be "Okay, where are you? I'll be there as soon as I can."

He came out to where I was, stranded on the side of I-40. He held me, kissed away my tears, told me that it will be okay. Then he took me to lunch, and then came and sat with me until the tow truck came. We cuddled. He petted my hair. We did stupidly cute mushy couple-stuff. We subtly fooled around on the side of a major interstate during lunch rush.

And then, when the tow came and it was time to say goodbye, he held me close again, and said "Even though this wasn't the way I wanted to spend the day, it was worth it to see you."

He's a wonderful man. I've opened up to him about all of my Issues, about my past, about things that I don't casually talk about. He's accepted them all, with a hug and a gentle word. He's held me close when all I could do was cry, then tipped my head up and said something so ridiculous I had no choice but to laugh. He finds me attractive, even with my size, and applauds me for wanting to lose weight for myself, not for society's ideals. His kisses are so intoxicating, I start to actively crave them when I'm not around him. He can heat me up with a word, a touch, a Look. He's deliciously sexy, amazingly witty, and terrifyingly in love with me.

Most of all, I'm utterly shocked at how easy it is to admit how I feel about him. I've always fallen hard and fast, but I've also had problems admitting it. I freak out when I get too close to someone, and almost always, I run, or I push them away, or I quietly sabotage my own happiness.

But for this man...I haven't felt that panic yet. I haven't wanted to run. All I want to do is keep him safe, keep him close. Protect him and his beautiful heart as best as I can.

Even though the NRE is wearing off, and we're settling into the boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic...he still gives me butterflies. He still says things that make me blush and squeak. And I still feel a wave of sheer, unadulterated joy every time he says "I love you".

I love him so much. And for once, I'm not afraid to say it.

Oh, for those wondering about my life:

- Still in NC. Barely keeping myself from being utterly miserable.
- No laptop, minimal internet, which is not what I was promised.
- One dollie to keep me company.
- Been at the hospital the majority of the time, visiting Mama.

Speaking of Mama, she's down one leg. Toe got infected, infection went into the bone, only way to stop it from going septic? Below-the-knee amputation. She's in rehab right now, release date is Tuesday. She also had a fistula put in her left arm for dialysis.

I remember why I moved away from here. The only time I've been truly happy has been when I escape to visit friends or go out.

But chances are I'll end up having to move back here.

Not that it matters much, truth be told. The longer I'm out here, the more I realize that I've pretty much lost everything important to me anyway.

Oh well. That's the way shit goes. Misery all around.

Insert yearly "Fuck you $CurrentYear!" comment.

Follow with yearly empty "$NextYear will be better!" promise.

Add additional moody emo bitching all over the place for effect.

Season to taste with misdirected rage.

Viola, yearly New Year's Eve post.

Man, fuck everything. I'm gonna go get drunk now.

Flying back to NC tonight. Mom's not doing so well.

Dunno when I'll be back. I've been promised I can come back by the family, but we'll see how long it is until I have to hitchhike back.

I feel so numb right now. I keep meaning to talk about things more, to write things down and stop bottling up everything. I always seem to fail at it. I have some strange need to be poetic and thoughtful, and I can't seem to just...type it out. To get it out. But at the end of the day, I wonder...what's the point?

Mama is down to 20% kidney function. The doctor said today she would be lucky to make it another four months before a complete shutdown.

She'd be able to get her first dialysis treatment in five months.

It's not fair. It's just fucking not fair.

I really need to stop letting depression lure me into not doing housework. I vacuumed under my chair (just under the table and where I sit, 'cause it's too hot to break out the whole vacuum, and I can use the hand attachment for this), and just...ugh. a small change, but I feel so refreshed.

I talked to my mom again last night. She's lost an additional 3% of her kidney functions, and is now at 27% functionality. This puts her squarely into Stage 4, and she's losing about 1% per week. The doctor thinks that with the right medication, they can slow it down, but he's prepping her for dialysis anyway.

It'll take six months to have all the procedures she needs done and for the healing from those before she can have her first dialysis treatment. While optimistic that they can slow the rate of failure, the doctor isn't sure they can slow it down enough.

I know if anyone can do it, through sheer force-of-will, tenacity, and crazy bitchitude, it's my mama. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

My brother called me in tears last night about it. He's always been the strong one. 6'8, 400 pounds of pure muscle, and he's bawling because mama's been pretty much issued a death sentence. That's a very powerful thing to witness, even from a distance.


There are a lot of other things going on right now, but I don't really feel like I can express them without coming off whiny, clingy, and needy. I'm just glad that there are people in my life who still do give a damn, even if I feel alone most of the time these days.

I honestly don't know how much longer I can pretend to be strong.

Received a WoW game card in exchange for a custom doll-sized necklace. I might make two, because I feel a little guilty taking twice the value just because it's not cash, but the chick REALLY wanted a necklace, and had quit WoW before using this card, sooooooooo. Gotta get my seed beads from Fern Prairie on Friday, first, so we'll see how I feel and if my hands are cramping like hell.

But I got my WoW back, so I'm not gonna complain much.

I wanna do a faceupppppp, but I feel so lazy. Bah.

And other than that, I got nothin' to say that has not been said.

Called family back in NC. Everyone survived the hurricane. This is not a surprise.

Mama was at my grandma's (my dad's mom's) house. This is a surprise, as Mama and Honey do not get along, especially after Mama and Dad split.

Got to talk to her for a bit. It was nice.

Now...my mom and I. We don't always see eye-to-eye, and we certainly don't always get along. She was told she was sterile, that she was never going to have kids, and she had resigned herself to never getting the son she wanted. At 33, she met my dad, and well...oops. She never wanted a daughter, and she made it plenty clear that she wasn't happy about her first child being a girl.

In a lot of ways, my mama and I are very similar. We both have a very sarcastic, dry sense of humor that sometimes makes it hard to tell the difference in jokes and serious times. We're both a little selfish, a little ruthless, a little narcissistic. And we're both alpha females, in the purest sense. Not these little HBICs that have to constantly prove they are on top, but the alpha that knows she can walk into a room and demand attention and respect. We're both incredibly stubborn, and having seen my mom really and truly angry, I can believe we both have the same temper. Looking back on my childhood and living with her, I realize now that most of the friction and hurt between us is just a basic personality clash.

Over the years, especially since I've moved out and really realized WHY we had these issues, we've mended a lot of hurt. I still regard her as a crazy bitch, all told, and I still get wary any time she's being exceptionally pleasant, but that's just because of who she is. She is my mama, and I do care about her.

Today, she told me she's in the end of the third, beginning of the fourth stage of kidney failure. There's only five stages total. At this stage, her options are dialysis or replacement. Being out of work and unable to go BACK to work because of her health, she can't really afford either. She's had so many medical issues (the "the mother saga" tag will take you to most of them, for those curious, and she's had a broken leg that had to be re-broken for three days because of the pacemaker on top of that...) that this is just...one more thing on the shitpile.

I haven't stopped crying since I got off the phone.

There are more things I want to post, but those need filters and I don't really feel like making new filters.

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