Clearing my mind...

I have had an interesting year. I need somewhere to write my thoughts and try to make some sense of them, so here I go. This last year I was homeschooling one child and had another in preschool and two at home. This year I have two children in public school and three at home with me. I have been stressed and lonely and wishing for some changes. Somehow, the changes that I made were not the changes that I wanted. I often listen to others and try to see it from their view and then try to make others happy with what I choose. Yet, as I do that, I still end up in the same place, leaving me unhappy and wishing for changes.
In my day I take care of five kids, clean, cook, shop, drive, and try to keep the peace in my home. I was stressed out and started to get depressed because I never seemed to get away. When I did get away, I came back to the same huge weight at home and no longer wanted it. So I sent my kids to school. Now, I don't teach them, something I was really enjoying, and have to go to their teachers to get them to teach my kids the way I want. I have to deal with mean kids telling my kids mean things, I have to deal with them being tired and doing school work all day and more at home. I have to deal with missing them and not being a part of their day. Why did I stop homeschooling? Because my family and friends thought that it was too much for me. Yet, I am still feeling lonely and weighted down at home and missing my kids too. And upset that they are wasting their days sitting in a class room.
I thought that I was in a better metal state. I thought I am dealing with my anger and stress better... but a close friend told me she did not think so. My husband says I have good days sometimes. I don't understand what they want from me. I am trying to be happy, yet the only thing I enjoyed in my day has been taken away and my husband will not talk about letting me homeschool again. Maybe I should start doing the things that make me happy and not doing the things that make me unhappy. Seeing my children learn makes me happy, gives me a sense of accomplishment. I enjoy them. This last week we were all home for a week. I watched how we were. We played, cleaned, folded cloths, and stayed home. I loved it. I hate going out with all the kids to run errands. I hate sitting in the car while Emma takes dance. I hate rushing to be somewhere at a certain time. I love being home or going to the library or the zoo or park. I think I need to teach my children and get rid of what? The ideal day for me would be this:
Up and work out for an hour before kids are up
Make and eat breakfast together
Clean up and dress
Teach the kids for a few hours
20 minutes of play for all of us
Make lunch and clean up
Independent work for older kids, naps for younger, relax
Do an hour of cleaning house
Make dinner and clean up
Enjoy an evening of family time

If only life were that simple. I have thought that maybe my family would be better off without such a grumpy person as their mom/wife... but there is no way I could ever live without them. I am not sure what the answer is. I am determined to be happier. If I try, I will succeed. I think I will create a plan for Paul to see with homeschool and make up a schedule of what I would do. I will then do it on the weekends to see how I handle it and the kids. I am determined to succeed. Determination is the key to me being happy and being able to do what I feel I need to for my children. I will focus on my strengths and let go of the opinions of others. I know my Heavenly Father loves me as I am, for working to make myself better and for what I do try to do. I will hold onto His love as I am make my wishes come true.
Amazing what a little writing can do to clear a mind and find a solution for problems.

Vacation!!

In a couple of days all six of us will be boarding a flight headed for warm, beautiful desert of Arizona. If I can just make it to that day! Crazy how much I want to get done before I leave. I made a list of tasks to do and get a few marked off each day. All that seems to be left is mop the floors and pack Abby, Paul and my cloths.
I went to the store and got a few cheap new things for the kids to have on the plane, hoping that this will distract them when they cannot take sitting for another minute. Paul was smart enough to get a direct flight so that we will not be racing through the airport with four small children. What a funny sight that would be!
We are all looking forward to spending time with Nanny and Poppy. We haven't seen them in two years and Abby has never seen them. The kids are especially excited about the small dogs that are just as hyper as the kids. I think there will be lots of ball throwing and lap sitting while we are there! I am also loving the idea of a break from the snow and being able to go outdoors with out a coat, gloves, and snow boots!! Plus the wonderful pool that Nanny has heated for us to swim in! The only bad part is that time will go too fast.
As a child some of my best memories were at Deb's and I know that my kids will have some of their best times there too. What a great blessing and joy she and Tom bring into our lives. Can't wait to give them big hugs and beat them at cards!!
So wish me luck in finishing my tasks and staying sane on the plane ride! It will be worth it for the week of love and enjoyment!