The Best Intentions

I couldn't sleep. I am feeling so weighted down by other people's negativity lately. I have the best of intentions, I do the best I can with what I have.
I am going through a very lonely period in my life with Dominic gone so much because of school, work, and transit. I have a lot of responsibilities and a very big lack of support.
If the way I am handling the responsibilities placed on my shoulders is upsetting you, perhaps you would do better to offer help and support than criticisim. I don't make decisions to provoke, I make them to provide the best I can give with the time, talents, and resources I have to work with. I am doing the things I do out of love, for the people I love, but I can only do so much on my own.
Dominic has come home to me in tears more than once lately. As I am trying to make things nice for other people and trying to keep other people's feelings and responsibilities in mind, mine have been trampled over.
If you wanted a say in the time, date, decor, invites, food, etc of an event perhaps you should have offered you time, talents, or money when I asked for help. When I asked for help planning I was completely ignored, so I took up the project on my own, out of a desire to make things nice for someone I love. Knowing I had been ignored in my request for support I made decisions based on my ability to handle it all on my own. I chose a date that I knew my husband would have the whole day to devote to helping me and watching my boys, with enough time beforehand to complete the tasks I knew I had on my own. That left only two dates. March 17th, and April 14th. I settled on March 17th due to the fact that the other date is the weekend before the wedding, and my mother will have a lot of work to finish up and last minute errands to run and I didn't want to add the stress of a shower, and I wanted to be available to offer my help that day.
It is selfish to expect me to choose another day. There is no other day. I have other responsibilites and obligations, I am trying to support my mother and decrease her stress, and I refuse to sacrifice my health and sanity by trying to pull it off by myself on a day I can't have my husband there for support. Expecting my husband to take time off work, and lose money, when our finances are tight as it is and I'm putting so much money into making this nice already is absurd.

Sorry, another woe is me post

Sorry this has become my forum for complaining and venting... I am just so stressed out right now that I need some place to get everything down.

I want everyone to have a good Christmas. Every year we go out of our way to do things for other people to make their Christmas better even though we don't really have the money because I don't want anyone to be dissapointed or left out. This always means pushing our budget to the very ends of it's limits to make things better for other people. Two years ago it was stuffing four stockings for people who would have otherwise gone without a stocking. Last year it was stuffing a stocking for someone who would have gone without, plus having an extra gift for them so they would have something to open Christmas morning. This year it is stuffing three extra stockings, plus making a special traditional breakfast for everyone, opening our home to extra people most every night until the end of the year, and cooking for twice as many people most nights....

This has gotten out of control. Our budget can't take it. We are hard pressed as it is, and to have 1-5 more mouths to feed every night for weeks is killing our budget. As it is I am not sure we are going to be able to feed ourselves the last week of the year. I am trying to be hospitable and kind and make everyone have a nice Christmas, but it seems like they are all coming, expecting to be fed, so they can save money, which makes it so we are the ones spending the money instead.

I think what pushed me over the edge was last night. Yesterday I was very busy, ran all over the place, was super tired, and then at 4:30 ish I got a call asking what was for Dinner. I had not planned on feeding extra  people that night, so I had to change plans last minute. I ran home, ignored my in-laws who were at my home (which I didn't really want to do, but had no choice) while I started throwing together the only meal I had in the house that would feed enough people. I spent four hours baking bread bowls and making soup from scratch. On my feet the whole time. Our dinner guests showed up, ate, one of them complained about the food being "Too Hot", and the proceeded to sprawl across my couch and turn on my television while I cleaned up from the meal. They did not thank me, they did not offer to help with the dishes or cleaning, they complained about my children walking in front of the television, informed me that one of them would be staying the night, and then practically demanded I go find her pajamas so she would be comfortable.

I don't mind having guests, but I would actually like my efforts to be acknowledged and appreciated. After spending 4 hours making a meal I was not planning on it would be nice to be able to sit on my own couch, or have somebody else do the dishes, or at least hear a "THANK YOU"!

Right now I am their Santa Claus who is filling their stockings and creating their nice Christmas... and they are on my naughty list.

Just feel like I am going above and beyond and no one is thinking about how they could make my Christmas better. Feeding all these extra people has pushed my budget to the point that without a Christmas miracle we are not going to be able to eat the first week of January. I've cooked them many meals, but when was the last time any of them cooked for me, or even offered to help? I've done 12 loads of dishes since Saturday! I normally would have done about 7! I have been so busy cooking and cleaning and making them comfortable that I haven't had time to do my own laundry and had to wear dirty underclothing yesterday. I feel like because they are off of school, or out of work, or taking leave from Basic training they are taking a holiday, and because I don't have any of those things to "Take a break" from I am expected to do twice as much work.

Okay. I will stop ranting. I just needed to let it out.

I love all of them, I just want them to acknowledge that I am working my butt off and maybe offer a little help. After all, it's Christmas, and I shouldn't be the only one not enjoying it.

How much more can I take?

This year has been so long and horrible. I am so done with 2011. I am done with scrimping and saving ans trying so hard to make what we have work, only to find that my best efforts are not enough. I'm tired of feeling like the slightest indulgence or want is horrible. Tired of second guessing every penny that is not spent on food and crying when there is not enough money to go around. Tired of one little thing ruining our budget because it is so tight that $2 can make or break it.

We had to make the decision with our last paycheck wether to have power or food for this week. We didn't have enough money to pay for both once rent money was taken out. We decided that without power food would be irrelevant, as we would not be able to power our stove or keep our refridgerator running without power, and the weather would make it unbearably cold. We paid our power bill and hoped we would be able to figure something out before we ran out of food.

Well, that day came today. We had thought Dominic would be able to sell back his books today and get enough money for us to make it through to Friday when our paycheck came in. Turns out book buy back doesn't start until friday.

I called the bishop to see if we could get a food order, but he can't meet with us until next week.

We applied for food stamps, but they denied us.

We've already been to the food bank, we received a box of scalloped potatoes, a few cans of food, some moldy bread, and 4 steaks. Being that we are vegetarian, and I don't want to die from eating mold spores this isn't nearly enough to keep us going until friday. We traded the steak with a friend for some mushrooms, milk, a bit of cheese, and some tortillas, but the food is gone already after just two days. 

I can't even make bread because I don't have sugar for the yeast to eat.

I am at my ropes end. I am in tears trying to figure out how to make what little food we have into meals for the next four days. And it's not like we spent our money haphazardly and that's why we are in this situation. This past month only $15 was spent on non-essentials, and that was for netflix so we would have something to entertain us all through the month. Every penny more has gone to food, utilities, and rent. I have $30 in amazon credit, but that can't buy my children food.

I am trying my hardest, but there is just never enough. I can't get a job because I would have to make $14 an hour just to afford the childcare costs. I can't stretch my money any further than i already am. I have tried everything I can think of and it is just not enough.

What do you do when you have tried your hardest and pushed yourself to the very limit and it is still not enough? I can't just give up, but I can't go a single step forward anymore without breaking down into tears and crying knowing that my kids just don't understand why we don't have food.

In ten days it's my birthday, and all I really want for my birthday is to have food in my fridge and my bills paid, but I doubt I will even get that. It will be just another day of  scrimping and stretching, and praying that we will make it to the next paycheck. I doubt I will get a single phone call or visit from a friend, let alone gifts. It will just be another lonely, horrible day of worrying.

Holidays

Feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought that December starts in just two days! We have family coming from out of state to be here for the holidays, and are housing at least one person for a weekend, as well as mostly serving as a home base for holiday gatherings with Dominic's family. My house is messy, my decorations aren't even in our house yet, let alone put up, I'm behind on my album I was putting together, since I ran out of adhesive and don't have any money for more. I just don't know where to start. I want this December to be great and I want my boys to have a lot of fun, but I don't know how I am going to balance getting the house clean, doing fun activities with the boys every day, and trying to raise money for our Christmas fund. I want everything to be great, but it all pretty much falls on my shoulders alone.

I am so not used to this practically being a single parent thing. Dominic used to be around a lot more, and he would help when I was feeling overwhelmed or under the weather. Now he's gone ALL THE TIME, and I have to do everything for myself. It's hard running a household by yourself, especially when small children are involved.

Lately I just feel like I am running on empty, not getting enough time to do the things I would like to do in favor of having to use all my energy trying to catch up. It makes me even less likely to do the things I need to do, as it all is just piling up with no outlet. I can't scrapbook because I have no money for adhesive. I can't go out with friends because I have no money for food or a movie, let alone for a babysitter, since Dom is gone so often.

I don't know how to get out of this funk.

Anyway....

This Holiday season I really want to focus on experiences, doing things together as a family, experiencing local traditions, and enjoying each others company. Dominic may be getting a part-time job for the holidays, but if he doesn't it will be especially important to do things together, as we don't get family time very often anymore. I want my home to be clean and peaceful, so we can welcome guests. I don't want to feel stressed about getting things cleaned, or having time to clean AND do activities. I just want everything to fall into place so that we can enjoy. I want to have time to laugh and reflect and enjoy instead of being the one who has to make everything work out. I want a break! That's really what I want, a month where I am not loaded with responsibilities so that I can enjoy my little boys.

I think to accomplish this we need to spend more time in the mornings cleaning up, so the rest of the day can be spent enjoying the season and shuttling about and then we can come home to a nice clean apartment and not feel stressed the second we come home. The fact that we are planning on spending a lot of time out and doing things will make keeping the house clean easier if we can manage to get it clean in the first place.

Been a While

I haven't blogged on here in months! Life has been so hectic with school, moving, little boys running around, etc. I'd like to say I will start posting more, but I doubt it will happen!

Anyway, I am trying to come up with some ideas for my kitchen/dining room because it is just too blank (as are many of the rooms in our house) and I want it to be a more inviting place. Been racking my brain all day trying to come up with something and stumbled upon this idea where they hung a ton of different "N's" on the wall. Different fonts, colors, and sizes, but all N's. I thought the idea was interesting and started thinking of doing an "F" wall for our last name. As I was thinking about it I thought what if instead of just the letter F I did a collage of words that started with F that had to do with family and food. I'm thinking a sort of gallery wall look. This is still just in the beginning stages in my mind. I'm starting to compile a list of F words to use. Here's what I've got so far:
Family
Forever
Flavor
Food
Ford
Faith
Feast
Fresh
Favorite
Festive
Friends
Flames
Fork
Fever
Flour
Fruit
Anyone else have some ideas? I'm kind of excited to start gathering things for this project. If anyone sees an F that is at least 3 inches high let me know! I'm going to need them!

I Needed that

This weekend Dom took the boys camping with my dad and the scouts. This left me at home all weekend alone. Unable to find friends to hang out with I decided I would go out and do something for myself. I got my hair dyed and cut, and my eye brows waxed. It made me feel so much better about myself to do something for me! Right now life is crazy and I am always doing homework or cleaning, or something. This was the first time I got to go out by myself and do something that didn't benefit anyone but me. I feel fabulous and renewed!

The Vegetarian Mom *updated*

This semester I am taking a website design class. As part of the class we are developing a website of our choosing, buying a domain name, and publishing our site on the web. I had been thinking about what I would do for this when it suddenly came to me: Vegetarian meals.
In a post some time ago I lamented the fact that there is not a great resource for the busy vegetarian who would like to do once a month cooking (freezer meals) and mused about writing a cookbook on just that topic. I got quite a few responses to it from strangers around the web looking for the same things. I put it off in my mind as a "maybe later".
Well "maybe later" is here, but in a slightly different medium! I have decided to develop a website on this! I am going to be testing vegetarian variants of freezer meals I can find, as well as crockpot meals, and quick meals, and compiling them into a website that is just what I have been looking for this whole time!
If you have come upon this post looking for just these things be looking for posts on my progress on this website! And please post your encouragement and suggestions for me so I can make this a website that will work for others like me!

You can now find my blog for this at www.thevegetarianmom.blogspot.com
If you like what you see go over to facebook and "like" the vegetarian mom here.