I have two prisons.

One is my head, one is life.

My head is a prison in three ways. First, there's a bunch of stuff I can't talk about. To anyone. So it stays there, no matter how badly it wants to get out. Second, there's stuff I want to say but have no outlet to say it. Creative stuff. Music, writing, whatever. I lack the resources or skills to do anything about it. So it sits there, rotting. Third, there's stuff I can say, but it just brings pain to people around me. Jenn suffers that the most. I either bring her down, or stress her out, or otherwise make her life hard. I'm trying VERY hard to just learn to shut up. Be quiet. Me talking rarely leads to anything of any use to anyone. I either cause trouble or harm, or annoy. So all of this just stays locked up in there, nowhere to go, no way out, doing time.

Life is the other one. My days amount to nothing. I've killed so much time I've run out of ways to kill it. Either my body or my brain or my resources or my finances keep me from doing anything useful or constructive with my time, those are the bars in my cell. Just like the bars keep a prisoner from doing anything besides watching the time pass, those bars keep me stuck in my cell.

If Jenn needs something, I do it. Drive her somewhere, needs me to run an errand, etc. I do minor chores around the house when my 'bars' mentioned before allow me to. Beyond that, I try to amuse myself. It's harder and harder to do that. Severe depression is the sick joke here: I have extremely few outlets of joy, and it makes sure I don't find joy in even those few things. I'm actually pretty bored with the video games I have. Me, bored with games. Yeah, that should tell you something.

So I sit here doing time. I know -exactly- what it feels like to be in jail, minus some of the more unpleasant aspects of jail time. But the 'you're here until someone lets you out' part? I know that -really- well. To push the analogy further, I keep getting put up for parole, but they shoot me down each time, usually with no reason given. Just makes the time harder. It'd almost be easier if they just threw away the key and left me here to rot.

I'm just waiting for the sentence in the second jail to end. Then maybe I'll be free from both of my prisons.

Some people may read this who don't normally read my Facebook, so here's an explanation. If you follow my Facebook, this is all going to be really familiar.

I've been whining/complaining on FB, and now I'm going to stop. Moving that over here. Why? Nobody reads LJ, that's why. Not going to keep hitting everyone's FB feed with angst. I'm going to restrict that to actual status updates on what's going on, just to keep friends and family updated.

For those who haven't kept up with FB or me, here's the backstory.

I've been out of work for 2.5 years, except for a seasonal, temp job last summer. The recession gutted software QA (my industry) in Dallas, locking me out of my career. My 'bad leg' is worse than ever. Turns out it's 'tool pain' caused by the rod in my leg. Rare condition, finally diagnosed in 2009 when I lost my job. That's why my leg worked fine for years after the accident and suddenly started hurting in 2002.

Now it's pretty awful in every way. Pain 24/7, often so bad it feels like it's going to cause my mind to crack. Most nights feel like literal torture. Skin being peeled away, bone drilled into, crushed by a vice, etc. Nothing makes it better, nothing makes it go away. When the pain comes, it's here, till it decides to leave.

So I need a desk job. I can't stand on it or walk around much without the pain kicking in. Even a retail job would require way too much standing and walking. In this economy, there are plenty of experienced, healthy, educated people looking for jobs: nobody wants the gimp without college -or- skills for a sit-down gig.

We've been limping along for months. Been as close as 48 hours to homelessness. Now, though, we're pretty much there. We borrowed May's rent because I had three job interviews lined up, all with actual hiring managers and not just recruiters/agencies. I went 2 years with 2 interviews, then I had 3 in one week.

Two of the three turned me down, even one that I was a perfect fit for, a 100% match to skills and experience, after a fantastic interview that went perfectly. The third one said to me right there in the interview 'I'm concerned this isn't the position for you' because it turns out it isn't even software QA, but an odd database/reports QA position.

We gambled on May. Borrowed $800 with no way to pay it back. We're still in the hole about $400 on a car payment we borrowed.

So now we're looking at June with absolutely no way to pay rent or our car payment. Jenn will have to go to California to stay with her folks with the dog. I'll have to couch surf or hit the streets. I can't get a job with my wife, a home address and phone, and transportation, I have no idea how I'l get one without all that.

Friends have come through with tons of money in the past to get us by, but it looks like they wasted it. I'm not asking for any again. No point, just delaying the inevitable.

So that's where we're at and why I'll be over here angsting up a storm. If you don't want to read that, just drop me, safest bet on your part. I'm not interested in hearing what I'm doing wrong or what I should have done, I'll just delete your comments and block you if you go that route, fair warning. I know I've screwed everything up and failed at every level, I don't need to be reminded.