light and then dark

I have been wanting to write about this for some time now but it is kinda hard to talk about. There is humor in the story I am about to tell you, but it is of the dark kind. And know that I am in a good place right now as I write this. I am not depressed right now, far from it. It is from this good place that I want to try to see this episode in my life with a little perspective, humor, and whole lot of humility.

Why am I about to share this with you? Because I believe a lot of folks have been there, are there, about to be there. I am talking about depression here...the kind that leaves you lifeless and dry...and the kind that makes you think crazy things.

And I want to tell you what it feels like for me.

This isn't something I talk about a whole lot, with anyone. I have always wanted to control my emotions mainly because they seem so out of control a lot of the time.

This happened some months back when I was in the midst of a major depression. I can see now how...chemically it came on so sudden like. I was trying taking something and...after a couple of months it seemed to not be working. Like an idiot I stopped taking it cold turkey and...the fall was very bad.

The thing about depression that people who do not suffer from mood disorders don't understand is how very physical it can be. It isn't like...oh i am sad...boo hoo and spill a few tears. It physically hurts. Your body is drained. You don't want to move. You don't want to get up out of bed. Talking seems unbelievably difficult. Basically you suffer. The body and the brain get together and beat the shit out of you.

It is like being in a tunnel where it is impossible to see any light. My favorite analogy for myself is that it is like sitting at the bottom of a well. Sometimes people come and peer over the edge but they can't quite ever reach you . You are too far down.

Every loss you have ever felt in your life comes back at you full force. Memories you do not want to re-live play over and over in your mind leaving you hollowed out and at their mercy. "Abandon hope all ye who enter here" seems more than appropriate for the place you find yourself in. You are one raw exposed skinless creature cowering in fear and pain. But there is nowhere to hide. Your mind offers you no relief.

The thoughts pour in then as you begin to drown. The thoughts are all about being worthless and the mantra of "I don't matter...I don't matter" begins to rain. Part of you struggles to retain some semblance of normalcy...get up...talk to someone...get a cup of tea...do a chore. But everything feels slow and painful...like you are trying to walk through nettles. All your mind begins to focus upon is ending that pain anyway that you can.

You start to think crazy things...like endless sleeps...or drowning...or running away...or harming oneself paradoxically to end/release all that pain.

It is comical in a way...so very melodramatic...larger than life. The pain becomes the very center of the universe and you are trapped there. Other people cannot see this or begin to understand this. "Why?" "I don't know why...it just is." Not talking becomes easier and a way to save oneself that energy of explanation when there is none.

I was feeling...this...some months ago. And...I did not want to share this with family or friends. I didn't want to burden anyone with...me. I also didn't want judged. I also have my own demons of never ever wanting to in any way resemble my mother who is very extremely mentally ill.

I decided to call a suicide hotline.

No I don't believe I really wanted to commit suicide. But I was thinking of it and that is where it begins...as a thought in your head. I didn't want to die so much as get relief...and I could see no way other than the thought to just end things.

(just a note here...I don't want suggestions or well meaning advice here. I am telling this story so that people can better understand what this is like. so that you can help others when they need you or so that you may help yourself as well.)

Now here is the humorous part if you can believe it.

I think I chose a number out of the phone book...a national suicide hotline number. You are not gonna believe this but...I kept getting a message that all operators were busy and nobody was there to receive my call. Yeah...that's nice. Too many suicidal people that day...so sorry. Try again...or...not.

That response in itself began to make me laugh.

So I tried another number and this time, although I got a hold of someone...I could not hear them. The connection was bad. I would begin my lowly monologue..."I am just feeling extremely depressed today and just wanted someone to talk to." The response begin with the other person trying to get more information, "How depressed are you....." and then the voice would trail off as I would tap the phone and yell, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" They would try again but to no avail. More than frustrated after many attempts I slammed down the phone.

At least this gave me something to do other than oust myself.

I had written to a friend about my ordeal and we came up with this little skit. Just goes to show you humor can be found in the darkest of situations.
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Boy I like that first one. “Hello, if you are thinking of doing away with yourself press one. If you aren’t serious but just thinking about it press two. Hello you have pressed one so you must be serious. Our clients are important to us. All available counselors are occupied, but your call is important to us. If you could just wait to do the deed your call will be answered in the order it was received. If you have an Internet connection, you might want to check our website HelpAren’tUs.Org.

While waiting, please take our survey. If you are planning to take pills, press one. Knife, press two. Jumping off cliff, three. Jumping off bridge, four. Revolver five. Getting police to do it, six. Train, seven. Tractor-trailer, eight. Airplane, nine. Doctor assisted, ten. Phil Spector, eleven. OJ Simpson, twelve. We did not understand your selection. Press zero to return to the main menu. This is the main menu for HelpAren’tUs. Our offices are now closed. Normal office hours are from noon to 12:01, odd days of the month. If we’ve been able to help, please tell a friend.”

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Perseverence must be my middle name because I tried a third time using another number. This time...thank god...this time I got a live person and a good connection.

Frank was his name. Frank was wonderful. The man let me talk for nearly an hour. I had no idea I had so much to talk about. But it all came out for Frank. Maybe because he was a stranger. I didn't give a fuck...I could say whatever I wanted. That kind of freedom is a blessing.

Basically Frank used all the good therapy techniques which...I already knew but seemingly sayiing them to yourself...doesn't do shit. You need that outside voice to say the right things. He told me I had a right to be sad. He told me I had a right to feel rage. He told me he could tell that I was a strong woman. He told me my loved ones would not be better off without me. He said...simple things. Common sense things. But yet nobody says these things. People want to fix you or pick at you until you come up with explanations or...they minimize or patronize. What Frank did for me was to give me permission to feel. It was okay to feel like this no matter how ugly I felt. He allowed me to retain my dignity...my humaness...and my ability to forgive myself.

I ended the call when I could walk away feeling like maybe there was a little hope after all.

Know that I am vulnerable sharing this. It is not something I am particularly eager to share with the world. But I think the risk is worth it. I am a strong woman but I am human too. And so are you. If you are someone who can relate to all this...please know that you aren't alone. Please know you matter. Please whatever you do...hold on. Even if it means calling a hotline. Do what you have to do to survive. Depression makes us think and feel crazy things. It sounds stupid as hell but there is tomorrow. One of my dear friends who knows me well helps me so much by saying factually..."you have been through this before...and you are going to feel better in time." My friend is always right. Yes the pain will come again without a doubt. People who suffer from mood disorders...it does seem to be a life long affliction. But it doesn't mean that there aren't good times too...and more importantly there are times of great meaning for what you can give to the world despite and especially during your suffering.

Whew...glad that is over with. Now onto lighter fare...

stream time

william james....right. you ever have a brain freeze where you just can't think of something you know you have always known but you just can't retrieve it? i am doing that more and more. MS? age? just me? who knows. i find myself in these conversations where i want to discuss a movie or a book and i end up saying things like..."you know that movie with that guy(can't remember names either!) and he is short and is wearing a green sweater and the woman is in it who was in that show (which i can't remember either)...oh forget it."

anyways...i was trying to think of the philosopher dude who talked about cuttlefish and stream of consciousness. william james! here i thought i re-invented the term....as i have always described my writing this way but now i am finding others who call their writing this. YA COPYCATS! just kidding.

this is also a writing technique....ala the artist way books and...let's see...there is also a fancy writing term for this. of course i cannot remember it. what is wrong with my brain? don't answer that. it is empowering when you do it. you basically set a time period and don't set down your pen or stop typing....however ridiculous the stuff coming out. it really does cure writer's block.

i do this to clear my head. for me. that way you have more room up there.

somedays i feel like kelly bundy from married with children (hey i remembered the names! yowsa!) when she started to learn things from books...and all of a sudden she couldn't do simple things like turn a doorknob. she simply had no more room in her brain.

i am just full of pop culture references. i truly admire someone who knows a lotta stupid shit. such as...the lyrics to the Banana Splits show. remember that? or...the name of the jetson's robot maid? or how to talk ubby bubby talk from Zoom. or understands the reference when i ask, "whatchu 'talkin 'bout Willis?


the stupid and inane sometimes sustains. it all helps.

i think i have an odd sense of humor. either you can make me laugh or...you just don't get it. the show...arrested development...funny as hell. but it went off the air. you know why? because people would rather laugh at videos of people falling into wedding cakes or children falling off of trampolines. come on people. i don't like most internet forwarded jokes. unless they are really really bad. i love both jokes, movies, and sometimes even people who are just so bad that they are....great. i love knock knock jokes for this reason. and william shatner. have you ever heard the man sing lucy in the sky? a classic for sure.

i have a crush on john cusack. love, love, love him. he always plays the same part in most every movie but he does it so well. the sad, comical, angsty, loveable dope. i like ben stiller too. he is irritatingly wonderful. columbo...always had a thing for him. so humble yet so smart. and the trenchcoat...oooh la la. oh but wait...jack black. Mmmmm mmm honey child. any man who is comfortable showing butt crack and not being embarrassed about it...very cool. i love his uni-brow too. and he AND john cusack were in one of my favorite movies of all time...high fidelity.

same sex crush (i had never heard of this term until a friend of mine told me about hers of the gal who was in the titanic...what's her name?) mine would be...keira knightly. and...calista flockhart. oh and cute little sally field.

i could go on....and on. i think this was a case of...TMI (too much information).

i was gonna write something very serious but...it can wait. tonight i needed...light.

so light and airy is what you get! beggars can't be choosers matey.

i am so much weirder than you thought aren't i? heh

goodnight....sleep well

merelyme

Odds & Ends

well...i am feeling better physically only to have my mood plummet. go figure. riding the rollercoaster all the time....not fun.

while i was sick i had some time to do some things i normally don't give in to...like reading the stack of magazines by my bed. and i thought that whenever i do read something good...i will save it...here. i have labeled this as odds and ends. you never know what you might find...kinda like a favorite drawer of trinkets.

i actually used an "odds and end" from a magazine i haphazardly was reading over the holidays. there was a christmas snippet which said to write to someone you normally don't write to. and so i did! i had lost contact with a childhood friend for some years now but did find her parents old address from years and years ago. i had low hopes of ever finding my friend again but thankfully her parents still live in the same house as when we were twelve year olds. imagine that! i just got her letter today.

so who knows...maybe the information i post will be useful to someone...perhaps even me. i just think it is a shame to waste a magazine...why not write down a few good ideas from it.

Here is a little snippet from an article by Stephanie Losee entitled, The Willpower Myth: " Alan Deutscman in his book Change or Die: The three keys to change at work and at at life, out this month in paperback from Collins, Deutschman, executive director of the Atlanta consulting firm Unboundary, decided to get to the bottom of whatever it is that makes people and corporations change-especially after they have tried and failed.

What he found was that people get unstuck not through willpower but through a relationship with a person or a group who shows them the way. Not just any relationship will do. It has to be an emotional relationship who inspires hope and belief, who makes you say, if she can do it, I can too."
==============================

This really hit home for me especially here in the blog world. The things you do and say here could potentially really help someone. Anyone can look up a quote or spout off cliches. But only *you* can share elements of your life which have meaning far beyond your experience. Integrity is very critical here. This is why I am very choosy about who I give my respect and admiration to.

I really do feel strongly as well that it is the connection we find with others...relationships...which ultimately help us to change and grow. None of us grow in a vacuum. We need help along the way.

My second Odds and End is a quote (lol...secretly I do love quotes) from Richard Bausch from Off the Page: Writers talk about beginnings, endings, and everything in between, edited by Carole Burns:

"I don't teach writing, I teach patience. Toughness. Stubborness, the willingness to fail. I teach the life. The odd thing is most of the things that stop an inexperienced writer are so far from the truth as to be nearly beside the point. When you feel global doubt about your talent, that is your talent. People who have no talent don't have any doubt."

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I love that quote because...it is so true. Nobody has all the answers. Don't let anyone fool you to think otherwise. So many "experts" have no clue how to write, live their own life, connect with others, etc. I love this quote because it says to me...it is okay not to know. It is okay to feel doubt about one's talents. From that point...you proceed.

yowsers!

don't ask me...it is a new word i just invented. there are also variations including "yowsa!" and "wowsers"...which i did not invent.

as you can tell...my brain is not operating with a captain.

all i can say is...being sick...no fun.

me want fun! me...you...fun in sun. we have fun...a ton.

KUKOOO! i am lulu birds right now.

oooh look at all the pretty birdies and hearts. do you see them?

scarecrow...i missed you most of all.

there's no place like home...there's no place like home...

Thick as a stump

Hey all!

Merry...ummm...after Christmas to you!

I am in bed presently. Sick. I think I have the flu. Ack! Least I have an excuse to be a lazy fuck.

Visited only a few blogs today but strangely everything reads pretty much like this:

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

Or maybe it is just me...my brain feeling thick as a stump and all.

Time to go back to sleep...

Zzzzzzzzz.....

(Wake me for new year's y'all!)

My Christmas Story

Everybody has one, a Christmas story that is.

Someone had asked me to write this story and so I shall. It is not an easy one for me to write but perhaps there is a sort of beauty in it. It is a story about me when I was a little girl, younger than my youngest son is today. That is so hard for me to imagine. Was I ever that young?

My hands are trembling as I prepare to put words to paper.

It was the Christmas week after I had just turned eleven. I was living with my mother in a row house within the inner city. We had been living there for some years by then, barely scraping by with my mother's widow benefits. The street name ironically was called "Success Street." I don't believe many folk there were too darn successful as crumbled brick, chain link fences, and police sirens in the background would testify.

My mother and I were like most people living on that street, just finding ways to survive. Yet our mission did seem even a little more difficult than most. You see my mother was crazy (politically correct term is mentally ill and the more precise terminology would denote paranoid schizophrenia.) My mother tried the best she could but more days than not she would fail to get along with the world and would end up retreating to bed.

The Christmas season always seemed to make my mother worse in a lot of ways. I am going to speculate years later that it was because she missed my father who had died from drinking when I was just four. I am inclined to believe that in addition to having schizophrenia that she possibly also had bi-polar disorder as well. On high days she would spring out of bed and be singing, usually to some country song on the radio. On low days she could lie in bed for hours and sometimes days, cigarette dangling from her lips. If I was to survive, it was up to me to gage her moods and act accordingly.

I do remember those days leading up to Christmas that year were such gray days. I was not allowed to go outside or to use the telephone. My only company was my animals. I had some hamsters, a couple of dogs and a couple of cats. They were my only friends back then. There is no kindly grandmother or gentle neighbor in my story. It was just me alone. In order to hear a human voice, I would put the television on and leave it on as a calming hum. The radio also provided solace and when those two would not suffice, I would sing. We had an attic in that house which became my refuge. There were books and toys and old clothes up there. That year I found some Christmas carol books and I made much time with those. There is such a clarity to one's voice when you know it won't be heard by anyone but yourself. I would sing until weary and crumple up like some unfolded laundry, and take a nap.

My mother at this time was gradually deteriorating. It was like she was spellbound by demons or ghosts that she could only see. There came a day when she refused to get out of bed despite my tears of protest. I pleaded, "What about Christmas?" That was the year I had wanted her to buy me a tape recorder. I wanted to sing to my songs and hear them that way. It was really all that I had wanted. There were more holidays like that one than I care to remember. I remember dressing up one year for Halloweeen and trick or treating, my hopeful steps towards the door, only to be told that it was too dangerous out there. She believed that evil followed us everywhere.

When my tears dried, I watched her in silence. Her eyes were pulled upward and she muttered incoherent things to herself. The cigarette butt she was smoking blazed in the semi-darkness. We were both huddled in one room of the house that year. The house we lived in had no real heating system except for electric space heaters. We were down to one that worked. The air was so cold that you could see your breath. I walked around shepard like with blankets draped over my shoulders. There was that and there was also the matter of no food. She refused to get up and she also refused to let me out. No matter as we had no money near the end of the month. I remember the hunger beginning as insistent bangs and rumbles of protest but then surprisingly it became more of a dull ache. I remember going to our pantry and finding an onion. I peeled off the dry outer layers and ate it like a peach.

As time slowly evolved over those days and hours I began to lose hope for any sort of Christmas. But then a part of me who didn't want to ever give up, decided that I would create my own celebration.

I found the artifical tree we had stored in the basement. I lifted the pieces out limb by limb and made many trips to our bedroom. There I built it in the corner of the room. The branches were all contorted from box living and so I gently bent them into shape. The lights were next and when lit, the reflections of green and red danced around the room. The box of ornaments was next but rather sparse so I added some of my own creation, paper cut stars and construction paper chains. I was lost in my work, forgetting all else, I had found a bit of refuge in a Christmas tree.

One of the dogs took delight in the tree as well and pooped under the tree. We were living as animals, all of us. Cleaning up after my friend, I then thought about presents.

I found an old bag of rags and worn clothing. It was then I came up with the idea to make some gifts for my mother. I cut the cloth carefully to make shapes. Two circles and four squares became a stuffed turtle. My attempts at a bear were more pathetic than not yet it was recognizable as some sort of living creature. I believe I created several animals before I set about to wrapping. No wrapping paper on hand, I used old newspaper, the funny pages. I put the presents under the tree and stood back to survey my work. It looked so beautiful as though everything in the world was right. Looking at my tree made me believe that Christmas was always possible. No matter what.

My mother was in bed sleeping unaware of what I had done. I have never asked her about that Christmas, if she ever remembered anything. It seems cruel and unfair to question. But I remember it. I remember the moon peeking into the bedroom window and the warmth of colored lights and my small breaths visible and silent. Contained in that silence was a little girl's hope.

I have come to the end of this story and the obvious rings true now. My ending is a surprise even to me.

There was also love.

Love is that one thing which remains after all the holidays come and go. It lies in wait like that one unopened present, the one you left in the attic years ago.

Some things you miss

I have not had peanut butter in so long that I have forgotten what it tastes like. My youngest is allergic to peanuts so I can never even have it in the house.

But I do remember that rich creamy texture...the way it sticks to the roof of your mouth. There is truly nothing to compare it to. Ahhhh and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...the quintessential kid favorite.

My favorite peanut butter thing though has to be...peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I really miss those. I haven't had one in...years.

Hey...I can dream right? :>)

My first new year's resolution

I know what my first new year's resolution will be.

To be a better friend.

My phone rang last night. It was a friend I hadn't talked to in probably over a year. She is one of my oldest friends...going way back to high school. I had sent her a Christmas card with my phone number inviting her to call me and so she did. Sometimes it is awkward when old friends re-connect with you...you don't know what to say...it has been so long. When she called and I saw who it was on the answering machine I almost didn't pick up. I was ready to watch a netflix movie and...the fire was going in the fireplace and I was hunkering down for some cozy time. But I am glad I picked up the phone. Otherwise...you know how it is. You play phone tag with people until one or the other of you gives up for another year.

My friend has a child who has Asperger's, a form of autism. I remember the year she told me of his diagnosis. I was so overly satiated with the topic of autism. I had spent years enmeshed in my personal research in trying to help my own son who has autism. But you reach a point where you don't want to hear about it anymore...you want a "normal" life of not talking or hearing about the latest treatments or cures or what have you. Needless to say, I was not a good a listener as I could have been. And so our long distance friendship sorta faded there for awhile. There were many times she would call and...I just didn't feel like having any more conversations about autism and children and how hard it can be. I just couldn't.

About a year or so after my friend told me of her son's diagnosis...I felt a renewal of spirit and actively asked to be a volunteer...a parent who would receive phone calls from any parent with a newly diagnosed child. I wanted to do this. I was ready. So I "helped" a few folk by way of just talking to them on the phone. It seemed easier to help a stranger somehow.

I suppose the other part of this is...I was so sad and angry for my friend. And it reminded me of all of my emotions when I was going through what she was going through. It was difficult emotionally for me to talk to her. It seemed easier for me to give to someone I didn't know. I was wrong...and selfish.

At any rate...speed up time to the present...to last night...when my friend and I both were so able to talk freely. There was no awkwardness. We both had been distant for awhile and now we seem ready to resume our friendship as though nothing had happened.

Sometimes...it may be a good thing to focus upon those people we already know and love...to give ourselves to. Strange thing...we forget that simple fact at times.

Anyways...this year I resolve to be a better friend and I do hope the friends I have forgive me for not always being the best I can be.

There are some very special people out there that I want to spend more time with. :>)

Everybody does

I think it is time for an MS post.

I was thinking back when I first told my friends about my diagnosis and trying to explain symptoms. One of the responses I would get back was, "oh everybody feels/gets that."

Me: Sometimes I just get so fatigued.

Well meaning but idiotic friend: Everybody gets tired. I am tired all the time. Maybe I have MS.

Me: There are times I am off balance and feel like falling.

Well meaning but totally clueless friend: Oh you are just like me...I am a total klutz.

Me: Sometimes I just can't funtion mentally, I am forgetting things I usually can remember.

Well meaning and quick to becoming extremely annoying friend: Everybody does that. Why just the other day I forgot my car keys.

Me: I get pain and spasms in my muscles.

Well meaning friend in need of a bonk on the head: Everybody gets those. You are just getting old...we all are. You are just more prone to aches and pains now.

Me: Sometimes I drop things when my one hand goes weak.

Well meaning friend: Oh yeah...that's me too...I think it is my hormones.

Me: There are times when I am not able to coordinate my movements to walk.

Well meaning and never gonna get it friend: How can you forget how to walk? You just put one foot in front of the other. It is just mind over matter. And everybody is a klutz at times.

*sigh*

Everybody is? No...not really.

blue

i find myself in a very blue mood lately.

late night thoughts

time for some evening rambles.

one reason i love blogging so much is...i get to play. it is like a shiny new toy with bells and whistles. i tinker with the template. i organize and re-organize lists. i sort through my many moods and past selves. it is a whole little world here.

i really want this to be my refuge. everyone needs one. i need peace above all else. my real world seems so chaotic. i need nourishment and inspiration. i need mused. i want safety and comfort. mostly though, i want to give. i want to make some sort of difference even if it is mere words on a blog.

i thought long and hard about something "laughing wolf" said here in a comment. he said something to the effect of...to think about who is worthy of my leaning upon. discernment is a very useful tool. i do strive for simplicity. there is only so much time on the planet for all of us. i want to spend my time with people i really enjoy, respect, and truly want to get to know. otherwise...what is the point?

one of my good friends has breast cancer. she had her last chemo treatment the other day and she wrote me a letter. Here is part of her letter:

"At exactly 12:10 today, the final drop of chemo poured into my IV and
the chemo pump sounded the final call. I am in a freakin' load of pain
right now but...

The day was spent celebrating at work and now.. I am
high on benadryl, steriods, chemo and a celebratory
glass of LeEcoleNo *41* :-) I get to go a whole
7 days without some doctor poking me.

There are many lesson learned in the last 6 months but the more amusing and true:

* I know an inordinate amount of people with ready access to pot
* You lushes will use any excuse to drink as I have over a dozen people
claiming they will have a drink for me tonight
* A reinforcement of my theory. We learn the WH questions (who
what when where and why) in order for a reason. The whos are
the most important. All the little whos in whoville gathered round....
And yes, lesson number from the last six months.. don't wear thigh high stockings without
a garter while out and about when you lost weight and haven't given their staying power a test run. :-)

Drink, eat, and be merry tonight. Life is so incredibly short and don't
leave your Whos with things unsaid. :-)"

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My friend is very right and not just about stockings. :>) The "Whos" are so very important. Who is essential in your life? Who do you wish to give your time to? Who can you lean upon? Who do you respect? Who makes you smile? Who do you want to call your friend?

Looking for links

Looking for links in all the wrong places...

remember that song?

ahem...anyways...I have decided that I wish to surround myself with creativity and inspiration.

i am looking for:

1. people who are in the process of transforming their life

2. photography blogs

3. Poetry/writing blogs

4. Artists

5. People who write about depression and mood disorders

6. People who write about multiple sclerosis

7. People who write about synchronicity

8. Peaceful respite type blogs that...give you that good warm feeling.

know anybody? :>)

What's going on?

Has anyone else noticed changes to their blog?

I worked so hard to get my header the way I wanted it...now it is chopped off. and comments now have the stupid blogger icon next to them. Did they do an upgrade last night? I wonder what else has changed. I don't like it.

Verklempt!

Remember the Mike Meyer's character of Linda Richman and Coffee Talk? I'm a little Verklempt...I need a moment.

The peanut is neither a pea nor a nut...discuss...talk amongst yourselves.

I am actually...a little verklempt (overwhelmed with emotion) with all your kindness and support and friendship here. I can be myself and feel accepted. This is my little island...my small refuge...where know I can go and be free.

Thank you friends. You are all very much appreciated.

Now...The Progressive Era was neither progressive nor an era...discuss.

Dark Clouds

Moods are as fascinating as the weather. How is it....why is it...that one day can be so full of light and then the dark clouds roll in so unexpectedly...so uninvited. and then everything changes.

Normally I shy away from public writing when I am like this. But I am going to take a risk here. I want to talk about this. So many people suffer from mood disorders. I want to share my experience so that maybe someone else will know they are not alone. And if you, yourself, aren't experiencing this, perhaps you know someone who is.

I don't want this to be some "poor me" diatribe. I have never been into that. But more...a translation from my world to yours...wherever you may be presently.

I am inviting you here to be with me.

Sometimes it is very difficult to be with someone who is depressed. It all seems so hard to understand. Believe me...it is even more confusing for the person experiencing it. You wake up to the same surroundings, the same sun glaring through your window blind, the same furniture, the same four walls, the same you. But yet everything is different. You don't feel like you anymore.

The feelings creep in...the doubt, the insecurity, the feelings of worthlessness. They breed like cockroaches. And you feel there is no way to stamp them all out. So you lie there and pretend it isn't happening.

I like to try to think like spock at such times. I tell myself that this is all illogical. My mind is playing tricks with me. My mood is an illusion based on...chaotic chemicals. I remind myself...this biological. The sadness is not me.

But...logic only goes so far as we are human feeling beings.

So the choice is...do we accept this feeling and just let it come? Or do we try to stop it in its path? There is no right answer. The truth of the matter is...you are going to feel some pain no matter what you do.

Vulnerable, helpless, passive. "NO!" your mind shrieks as you gear up for some sort of battle. Anger is better than this. But anyone experienced with moods such as these knows better. The anger is merely a hollow fixture to be broken along the way. When the anger leaves... you have to deal with the real emotions...sorrow and even emptiness.

We are so down about being down in this society. Take a pill. Shut up. Go love yourself. Buck up. Get over it. Be positive! I think I hate the last cliche the most. As if positivity is something we can retrieve from the kitchen shelf and digest. There is judgement there as well. As though we mustn't ever show human frailty or vulnerability. It is easier on others if we just smile all the time and say things are fine.

I am sad today. And I am not sure why exactly. There is that too. People including myself...look for a reason. It could be a lack of the right chemicals. Or like having a virus or a seizure or any other bodily affliction. We have this societal notion that if we just think a certain way...we can cure our minds and bodies. I fear we have made this a cliche as well...to think ourselves to wellness. It just doesn't work that way. Sometimes the world and including our inner mental and physical being is...rather chaotic. We don't have all the control we think we should have. And life says, "tough noogies".

So I am just gonna feel this...knowing it will pass...yes i am truly "okay"...and I will report about the process. It is a risk to share oneself in a genuine sense. So many people...when they write...the armor is on. I can understand that. Some report about all the things that happen to them as they lie in wait...the helpless leaf in the wind. Others summarize life events with simplistic quotations one might put on the fridge. There is no substance...no real person to identify with. We all devise ways to keep others at bay...to protect ourselves from pain as well as growth.

Anyways...I have no armor on. I am exposed. And I am very real.

I am hoping this is okay.

This is me too...dark clouds and all.

Tuesday Stream

Here comes a stream...i think it is time. clear my head.

yeah my birthday has come and gone. a new year. new beginnings. old endings? what has ended? i suppose my innocence over my health is gone. just something you take for granted.

i remember in grade school...right before thanksgiving...we would have to make a list of things we were thankful for. and...the teacher would give suggestions...health was one. i never thought about it then and for many years. now...mental health...i have thought about my whole life. but this physical stuff...is all new to me.

why me? why not me?

everyone will get sick. it is the truth of the matter. sick with something. sooner or later. this is life.

i am getting to know my body better. the body is an amazing thing. and i am gonna say...with particular bias...the woman's body. i once went to this conference where the speaker was talking about women and men and adaptation. men are geared to be hard...unchanging...as represented by their bodies. women are more amorphous...ethereal...changing shape and form depending upon their surroundings and circumstance. look at pregnancy as a prime example. we woman are structured for change. we are soft but in that softness we are yielding. i am finding my body changing once more and i sway and bend into it.

i will adapt in my womanly way.

sorrow. yes there is sorrow in this. and rage. and all the storms of emotions. there is balance in everything. to get to acceptance you gotta feel the feelings. there are no shortcuts...this i do know in my old age. :>)

but i ain't dead yet and don't plan on non-existing any time soon. and in the meantime i do want to celebrate my life. dear lord it is time. i have lived my life thus far for other people. this time...i want to reserve some life for me. i can say for the first time in my life...i am important. i matter. i want my moments. for me!

sanity...i am enjoying it while it lasts.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I can no longer deny it. I am having a birthday...today! I am no longer uh...25...yeah. I am 43. It's twue...it's twue! I am an old lady! Yippee Skippeee!

Might as well celebrate it...what's the alternative?

MS conference Part deux

Yesterday I attended an MS society conference and I wanted to share what I learned there with you all. This is a continuation from yesterday. The second part of the conference was the most fun and was one of the main reasons I went at all. We got to learn some Tai Chi.

I have always been fascinated by martial arts and especially Tai Chi. I have only taken one itty bitty class in it so I really know nothing. I love to try to challenge my body so thus far I have taken: Tae Kwon Do, the Tai Chi class, ballroom dancing, shag dancing, and belly dancing! I can say with pride that I suck at all of them! Heh! I have always been uncoordinated and clumsy with or without MS but it doesn't stop me from trying and having a good time.

Anyways...this little session was special because she tried to gear it a little for folks with MS. Whoever could not stand, could remain in their chairs and do the movements they could do. Actually we all started off sitting and began with loosening up the joints. What particularly felt so good to me was the shoulder one. All we did was roll them forward and then back. I thought to myself, "I gotta do this more often."

I found a small video...not of what we did exactly....but some warm ups nonetheless. I will put it at the bottom of my post here.

We did a little of the forms and I as always...I was amazed by how graceful and fluid the instructor's movements were. And powerful too. It doesn't seem that such slow methodical movements are part of martial arts but as she explained...it is like all this great energy coiled up...ready to spring. You are doing so much when you do the movement slowly. It is like with weight training...I see all the folks at the gym moving so fast...trying to get the reps done but really...if you slow down a bit and feel the position and form of your muscles...you can do a whole lot more. Try to do a squat slowly...it is a whole lot more effective.

I also like the slow movements of Tai Chi because they are a symbol for how you may lead your life...with conscious focus and direction. Life doesn't have to be a blur...you can slow things down so you can feel the process.

It was just a flavor of Tai Chi really...but enough to whet the appetite to want more. I found the stretches and movements very pleasing. It all felt good!

So here is a little video I found. And if anyone knows more about Tai Chi...tell us about it because...I would love to know more.

What I learned at an MS conference...

Hi y'all!

Today was a busy day...went to my first MS conference. This is how I deal with things...I dive in and learn everything I can. This little conference I went to was sponsored by the National MS Society. And my consensus is...they really go out of their way to help folks with MS. Moreover...the conference was totally free including snacks and lunch.

I couldn't help but compare this conference and just how well I am treated with conferences concerning children with special needs. As there is no medication for treating autism or mental retardation and...the population is children...sad to say but there is less out there for them. At this MS conference the people for Capaxone were there peddling their wares, so....yeah I am guessing that there is more money and resources for MSers than for children with autism. But that is just a general feeling I get.

Anyways...I thought I would tell you what I learned there and possibly how I might apply this knowledge to my own life. Let's face it, most conferences are not life changing. Maybe you get a glimmer of hope or an idea that you can use but for the most part...they are so generalized that most of it can be condensed into an hour of time or less.

I am biased. I have been to a lotta conferences. I am always hopeful to learn something new...even if it one thing...then it is worth it.

I stayed for three lectures so I will do this in three parts as well and add my two cents worth!

For my friends who don't have MS...stay anyway....because these idea may be useful to you too.

The first lecture was about empowerment and goal setting. Now this was a little commonsensical to me as this was a big part of my job working in the human services field for so long. I can write a goal just about anything! Task analysis...I am there. But it was nice to be reminded of what you can do. I love talking about goals as it is right up my alley as I am a bit anal. I am one of those people who write goals for themselves for the year, for the month, for the week, and for the day. I cannot function without goals. I personally thrive on having a focus and a direction and what's more...this keeps me happier.

I am doing my best when I get to check something off my to-do list.

So what was said?

Locus of Control. The speaker talked about how people who have an internal locus of control do better at managing their illness than those with an external locus of control. Basically what this means is that the person who has an internal locus of control feels in control and personally responsible for their goals and actions. The person who has an external locus of control believes that outside forces are the reason for their dreams and actions. The person who has external locus of control will not be their best advocate for themselves as they will go along with whatever the doctor or family or others have to say. The person with external locus of control can be more of a victim. Things "happen to them." They feel they have no control over their life. The person with an internal locus of control believes that there are things they can do to help themselves and they feel responsible for their own choices.

Of course, the normal person probably vascilates between the two.

Me? Although I am a depressive, I like to think I have the internal locus of control. I know about being an advocate and I am not afraid to stand up to authority figures, family, friends, etc. to make my own choices.

Bottom line...I am responsible for my life. Nobody else.

Onto Setting Goals:

1. Realistic and specific: One of the big problems with setting goals is coming up with a goal which is concrete and do-able. Okay so you want to lose weight and have more strength? What exactly does this mean? A more specific goal would be...I want to lose 30 pounds in 6 months and be able to bench press a set number of pounds within that same time frame.

2. Small steps at your own pace: I remember when my sister's husband had a heart attack. After he was doing better, his doc told him he had better start exercising. The man had not exercised in at least a decade or more. He couldn't even envision it. It would be easy to state a goal of running on the treadmill for 30 minutes or more but this would be highly unrealistic and would needlessly frustrate him. My sister helped him by telling him that his goal was to walk on the treadmill (at a brisk pace) for five minutes. This is where he began. And now he is running and doing all sorts of exercise. But he had to start small.

I say...start with what you can already do and add on from there...building from your success. Do five minutes....then build up to ten...and so on. You do not need to do the whole enchilada right off the bat!

3. What are the most important reasons to change? This is a good question to answer. You gotta know because otherwise...the change is gonna fail. Don't do it because someone else thinks you should. Do it for you.

4. Where do you go from here? These are the lecturers questions. I would add these.

a. Where are you right now? What is your baseline? If it is weight, strength, stamina...be honest about where you are. If your goal is to spend more time with friends....how much time do you spend now? And so on and so forth.

b. Where do you want to go? This is where you write down your goal in specific terms.

c. How are you gonna get there? What methods will you use? Do you need any materials? Do you need supports from friends or family?

d. How will you know you have gotten there? What method of evaluation will you use?

5. The speaker also added: How do you envision the outcome? This is motivating but...I would have to say...please do enjoy the process. The outcome may not happen as you envision it. It is depressing to place conditions upon your happiness as in..."I can only be happy when I lose thirty pounds." or..."I will only be happy when I finish my novel." or whatever your goal may be. I feel it is more mentally healthy to say..."Hey...I gotta big rear end right now but I can still be happy." LOL You know what I'm saying?

Lastly...here is the worksheet she gave us for making changes:

1. The changes I want to make are:

2. The most important reasons I want to make these changes are:

3. My main goals for myself in making these changes are:

4. I plan to do these things to reach my goals:

5. The first steps I plan to take in changing are:

6. Some things that could interfere with my plan are:

7. Other people who could help me in changing in these ways:

8. I hope that my plan will have these positive results:

9. I will know my plan is working if:

Sources: Miller and Rollnick, 1991; Miller er al., 1995c.

I have a lot more thoughts and ideas on this topic but I will save them for another post. And I still have two more lectures to tell you about!

More to come....you betcha!

My new favorite book...

Funny Pics at pYzam.com

On the same wavelength...

I want to talk about an MS symptom. This is one that I experience a lot and I am gonna try to explain it the best way I can. I really would like to know if anyone else has experienced this and...what do you do with it?

There is brain fog...the slowing down of reactions and cognitions. Then there is feeling off balance. But the symptom I am going to talk about exists somewhere between those two.

There are times I feel as though I am in an altered state of consciousness. Maybe I am describing "brain fog" but I am not sure. It feels as though I am on the way to passing out but I don't. I almost wish I would so that the feeling wouldn't linger and would have a logical conclusion. I am not quite alert and not quite out. I get into this limbo state which isn't entirely unpleasant but it isn't a place I want to be for any length of time. I have never done drugs but I imagine it to be a similar experience. Sometimes when it takes me over I find myself staring. At anything. One object or stream of light or shadow becomes my focal point and I feel so absorbed.

It isn't like when you really feel like passing out as in...room spinning, clammy, sweating, sick to the stomach. It isn't like that at all. Yet I definitely do feel altered and I have been wondering if I will lose consciousness in this state. It seems to proceed the brain fog....where I can't think clearly or quickly....and sometimes it comes before my losing balance and falling....and it definitely happened before I lost my ability to speak that one summer day.

I guess I am focused upon this symptom because it seems to come before all others. It is the feeling I get when I know more symptoms will begin. And I worry that I will pass out. But if it isn't so harmful and I know that I am actually not going to lose consciousness...well...maybe I will just go for the ride of where my mind wants to go.

I am still getting used to all of this MS stuff. This is all new to me. You think you know your body well and then you wake up to these alien feelings and sensations.

Has anyone else experienced this particular symptom and...how do you deal with it?

Thursday Thoughts

hello out there in bloggerland!

i feel like i am waking up from a long slumber. i have been busy lately...doing other things than writing. but now i am back and ready to rock and roll.

i don't know about you but these shorter days ending in so many hours of darkness make me want to do two things: sleep and eat. just think...at the height of summer...it was light until almost nine. now the days are growing shorter and shorter where darkness begins to fall soon after five.

there is a snuggly cozy feeling to these shorter days. but the darkness can also seep into your soul, inviting that feeling of desolation. so i am cautious about this season. i am doing well so far, keeping the depression beast at bay.

to celebrate my warm and fuzzy feelings tonight, i plan to bake.

what shall i bake? chocolate chip cookies of course. chewy-ooie-gooie ones with melty morsels. can you just taste them now?

what is your favorite home baked cookie? gotta recipe for me?

Not like TV

I don't know if any of you watch Desperate Housewives. It is one of my guilty pleasures. If you haven't been keeping up or have no idea about the show there is a character named Lynette who has been battling cancer this season. Complete with bald head, she enacts what it is like to be a cancer patient and takes us for the ride...albeit a short ride lasting as long as a handful of episodes.

In a previous episode we see Lynette's rage over a possum left to damage her garden when she is too busy with chemo treatments. She is so angry that she even wants to get a gun to shoot the varmint. I think in the end rat poison does the trick. The anger over the possum is just misplaced anger as she yells about the "invader" who is trying to ruin her family's home. This invader, of course, is really her cancer.

Her oncologist comes to the door one evening (now this is truly TV fed fantasy here) to tell her the news that her cancer is gone. She takes it all in and rushes outside to her garden and spreads her arms wide to the night sky and cries. It is all over. Unfortunately, Scruffles, the possum is all over as well....finally lieing dead in her garden. Lynette tells the dead animal she is sorry.

It was an emotionally moving scene despite the apparent silliness of it all. Stealing a scene from Caddyshack and implanting it within a tale about cancer...it was clever enough.

I was more moved by it, however, as I have a friend who has breast cancer. She is still going through the long process of chemo and the latest is, that she can hardly feel "Fred" anymore. Fred is her nickname for her tumor. And I must say, I cannot imagine what all she is going through. I can only stand by and watch the evolution of the conquering of her...invader.

After that particular episode of Desperate Housewives aired, I had a little cathartic cry.

I thought about my own disease. Whereas cancer can be vanquished and gotten rid of, Multiple Sclerosis cannot. There is no cure. There will be no triumphant opening my arms to the night sky and feeling grateful that this is all gone. The reality is, that my MS will never be gone. It may be stalled somewhat, but more than likely it will progress despite all our medicinal advances. No experience can be compared to another, but nonetheless it is human nature to do so.

My reality is that I will most likely never get better but I will gradually get worse. At best, I will remain as is but I will never be as I was. I will have Multiple Sclerosis for the rest of my life.

And I know that this is the same reality for many of us with MS. And a stupid TV show allowed me to cry about it.

Strangely....I am feeling more okay about all this. I will need to accept before I can move on. Maybe I won't have some made for TV victorious moment, but I can still enjoy all the very real moments I do have, despite my disease.

And I have no desire to kill a possum or groundhog as the case may be.

Friday morning pages

Friday morning. and what do i have to say for myself? had a good night's sleep. this is good. so much time spent sleeping...might as well make it good deep sleep. i am dreaming a lot now. i go through phases of sleep. of course when i am the most troubled my sleep is light and interrupted and i wake up feeling like hell. not today. i feel like i can do things.


i am almost afraid to talk of good moods because i know they can be fleeting. i feel like the main character in flowers for algernon. have you ever read that book? well...instead of IQ...we are talking about mood. i am afraid that i will wake up and find myself right where i started. and this is probably reality. depression has a way of slowly creeping back into your system.
i do want to talk about all this.

i am tip toeing around it. afraid to talk because i may jinx myself.

when you feel like shit and people tell you to be grateful for "now," you don't want to hear it. more so...you are incapable. the now you are experiencing is not something you want to be involved with. everywhere your mind goes...past, present, or future....is not a good experience. you just feel trapped and want out of any time module.

i don't know what normal is but i can sorta guess. i think normal folk have selective amnesia. they are able to "forget" things far more easily. they say depressives are more in touch with reality...we absorb it and stay there. anyways...i am experiencing being able to have selective amnesia right now. i don't have to remember and re-experience every damn bad memory or mood. i can forget i have MS for the moment. i mean...i don't forget forget. symptoms jar me out of my slumber. but...i don't have to dwell in the fear area.

this is all very hard to explain.

i need to write this better.

i am touching and not diving in.

there is a lot now to get excited about. i have interests. i had forgotten them. i love music for one thing. i have a keyboard. oh to have a real piano. what a luxury that would be. i used to work in a church basement for a big 'ol prestigious hospital. yep...you got that right. the prestigious well known hospital had us work in a church basement. probably has something to do with our population of folk with mental retardation and mental illness. those who are dually diagnosed....they always seem to get hidden away from view along with their caretakers.

anyways...this church basement had a piano down there. i would purposefully go there early in the morning so i could play it privately. oh i loved that. and before you ask...no...hell no...i am not good! i had taught myself to read notes and play. i have a hell of a stack of dan coates easy play song books. and so i sat there in the vaccuous church and played on this old sticky coated out of tune piano and i had a ball. i miss it so. not working there...lol....but the piano and my time of solitude.

now i have a keyboard and i just bought myself some new sheet music. and i can't wait to dive in.

what things have you forgotten? what would you like to remember? what did you used to do which gave you pleasure? if it is possible...go back and try it again...or maybe in a different capacity. it is okay to let go and to enjoy a minute...five minutes...more of your life. it is okay.

more to come...

consistently inconsistent

okay so it isn't morning. it is actually early evening here. but nonetheless...i wanted to just ramble a bit for my "morning pages" ala the artist way.

i have concluded about myself that i am, at best, consistently inconsistent. i write myself little post-it notes. i write lists. i write tons of goals. i try to be organized. i try to be disciplined and scheduled.

but...

i must not be wired that way. lol

my rollercoaster moods, my fluctuating energy levels, my crazy life...prevents me from maintaining a consistent existence. and i really want one. some people would be bored with normalcy and sameness. i am striving for it. i want calm. i want peace. i want ritual and routine.

yeah...i am not one to want adrenaline rushes. i have gotten them my whole life just by living my life. i am ready for ease and quiet and....gentleness. no more storms. please.

ya know? can you relate?

anyways...i am trying to create habits and rituals to sustain me psychologically, spiritually, and physically. writing my thoughts here...in this streamy way was to be one habit.

on another note. my blogroll is smaller. people come...people go. some folk take breaks from blogging. all of a sudden there is this realization that...time is short. is this how i want to spend my time? is this meaningful? is it worth it? well...for me....the answer is YES!

some bloggers...i think they don't know what they want and blogging becomes a meaningless obsession...to collect comments and/or people like objects. the bigger the better. for some it is to feed an ego...it is easy to grand stand here. and yet for others...it is a portal to a world of people...who become friends...it is a way to stay connected and to stay sane.

i write here because i love to write and...i really enjoy you all. i like to get to know people in a meaningful way. i get such joy coming here and feeling at home...feeling like someone else is out there who has shared some of these wacky experiences and....can empathize. i am not alone. and likewise...i can give here. i hope i do. i feel my life has meaning because i share it.

let's face it...life is hard. friendships are hard to sustain. here...you don't get to see my messy house...the fact that i am wearing sweats and slippers and...that i have no energy to serve you tea and crumpets.....whatever they are. lol i can come and go here as i please.

i can give you my heart and soul....in words. and this...can be sustaining and fullfilling.

so yeah...inconsistent or not...i want to keep on writing here. and i hope you do too.

so much to say

i am reminded of that dave matthew's song...do you know it?

"And my hell is the closet Im stuck inside
Cant see the light
And my heaven is a nice house in the sky
Got central heating and Im alright
Yeah yeah yeah cant see the light
Keep it locked up inside dont talk about it
Talk about the weather
Yeah yeah yeah cant see the light

Open up my head and let me out little baby

Here we have been standing for a long long time
Treading trodden trails for a long long time

I find sometimes its easy to be myself
Sometimes I find better to be somebody else

So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say"

i feel...opened up. alive. good even. lol

and there is so much to talk about.

i think i want to talk about mood. whatever i am doing in my life...mood has been such an overwhelming force. mood has colored all of my visions, actions, dreams, and self perspective. i am feeling good at the moment and so this is a perfect time to stand back and to take stock, and to reflect upon things from this side.

and there is much i want to say.

i am just thinking out loud. what do you think more defines a person....is it the challenges one has to face or is it how the individual handles those challenges?

i have met folks who have gone through some of the same life experiences as i have yet we can be as different as night and day. so there is something more to people than what happens to them. what is that something more which makes us unique from one another?

hello. i am a nameless blog writer floating in the nether regions of cyberspace. i could be your neighbor, your friend, your sibling, or co-worker. i am but one of many people out there who suffers with a mood disorder.

and i am ready to talk about it.

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all!

Well here it is already. The big turkey day. wow. I can't say that I am ready. I began to feel stressed yesterday while shopping for a birthday present for my eldest son. Christmas was surrounding me.

Christmas was suffocating me!

I remember one year going to this out of the way mall before Christmas. It was what I called the "cheap mall." I should have also dubbed it....the depressing mall. It symbolized to me....everything not christmas. Most of the people there looked like they couldn't afford food let alone to be buying presents. The dimly lit florescence and old popcorn smell to the place added to it's non-ambiance. I remember sinking more into myself...slumping with each step. This wasn't Christmas. This was an abomination. I rushed out of there....I couldn't stand it.

I felt this feeling return yesterday when I was in Target. I began to feel this sense of emptiness and quite frankly my MS was kicking in and I was feeling dizzy and insulated. The shoppers began to blur and I couldn't wait to leave.

I am reminded of the Charlie Brown Christmas special where Charlie Brown asks Linus about the meaning of Christmas. And Linus says...

Charlie Brown: [shouting in desperation] Isn't there anyone out there who can tell me what Christmas is all about?

Linus Van Pelt: Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you. Lights, please. [a spotlight shines on Linus]

Linus Van Pelt: "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the lord shone round about them, and they were afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not, for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you this day is born in the City of Bethlehem, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; you shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men'". That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie brown.

The other day when I woke up...my youngest son left me with a suprise by the computer. It did remind me of the Charlie Brown show. There is definitely one person in this house who has not forgotten the true meaning of christmas.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Tuesday Morning Pages

a habit. a ritual. a part of my being.

to write.

sometimes i am afraid of it, the exposure, the firmness of putting words to paper. thinking and dreaming out loud bears a risk.

i want to say it is well worth it.

we accept things, we take them for granted. we writers think that we can just pull words out of a hat and make them sing. ssometimes there is nothing there and we have to deal with the empty part of us. that part seems to be the most frightening to me. what if there is truly nothing there? what if all my thoughts and feelings have slithered down the drain? what if i have to sit here and endure my own silence?

it is all about perspective of course. at other times i wish to silence the cacophony of images, residue of emotions, and a never ending stream of words. i am either running to or from. i need to settle here...get comfortable with being in constant motion even when still. we all move or are moved. stillness is a mirage. time moves us whether we wish to go or not.

peacefulness. how do i know what it is if i don't experience it?

water. i hear water. for real. my young son is doing something. an accident or mess waiting to happen. always something. my guard is always up. i haven't been able to relax in....ohhhh almost twelve years now. how is that for a very real detail? concrete.

i choose to be here.

does it make it okay? no, not always. life wrings us out like old smelly washrags.

smile. it is all fine. eat a ball of sunshine.....and glow.

The Sunday Meme

I haven't posted a meme in a long time.

This meme comes from a strange magazine I got in the mail about movies. They have this questionnaire they give to Bill Murray which had originated from when Tiger Beat magazine created a set of interview questions for the Monkees (remember them?) in 1967. Here are some of the questions:

1. What is your favorite flower?

2. What word in the English language do you wish you had invented?

3. What do you miss about your childhood?

4. What is the main fault in your character?

5. Describe how you kiss in one word.

6. What in the world do you least desire.

7. Finish this sentence. "Happiness is a thing called....."

New & Improved!

I have been thinking about how to jazz up my blog here and I think the best way is to create good content. I just love how we can sort things by category tags now and I intend to take full advantage of it.

My blog...by title...identifies me as a person having both synchronicities and MS. But of course I am so much more than this and my blog will represent my multi-faceted self.

I shall present to you, my reader, with a virtual buffet of delights and general helpfulness. lol I am so full of it.

Anyways here are my ideas:

1. General Writing Categories:

* Stream of Consciousness or in other words, Artist Way Morning Pages

* Letters to the Muse: Writing about my life experiences

* Poetry

* Synchronicities

2. About blogging:

* Blog Spotlight: Where I will introduce you to bloggers and blogs I happen to like.

* Memes/Question of the Day

3. Multiple Sclerosis:

* MS Diary

* Symptoms and ways to help with them. If there is one thing I am good at it is research.

* Exercise

* Eating well/supplements

* Ways to keep the brain active

* Inspiration/Peaceful moment/Relaxation

* Ways of coping: HUMOR

4. FUN!

* Movies

* Music

* Food

* Books

* Photos

* Videos

5. Mood

* Writing from the well

* Ways to help and cope

That should cover just about everything. What do you think?

how about a little nirvana...

i want an easy friend....

writing writing

i want to start free style writing again. you know like from the artist way book...morning pages...stream of consciousness...whatever comes to mind. it is a good practice to get into if you like to write. there is a great freedom here in allowing the words to just spill out onto the page. no pressure...no expectations...meander and roam at will.

okay so you get the gist. like a diary. sort of.

diary...wow...i haven't truly had a diary since i was a young teen. i would write these lists of things i wanted to buy. i had a paper route and i would so look forward to getting paid so i could buy music. albums. like...real albums. they were so big weren't they? now everything is small. teeny tiny things. back then the idea of having a zillion songs stored on an ipod would have seemed...well...nuts.

speaking of small things...i think our attention spans are smaller too. i know mine is. i am used to all this disjointed information coming from all kinds of sources...sound bites...quick little *pop* *pop* *pop* in your face bits and pieces of the world. and most of the information...we don't even care about. someone is telling us we should care. it is too much. so we shut down and end up not being able to attend to anything.

i don't even know how to relax anymore. we need books for this to tell us how. sad really. we always think we should be doing something. evidently right now we are to be concerned about the holidays and getting everything done right now! i don't want to. i want to sit here and really get into thanksgiving.

it is like our lives are not to be enjoyed but each event is something to hurry through and get done with.

i want my time.

i want to slow.....down.....time.

long ago i went for a vacation in lancaster pennsylvania. i know...i am an odd bird. but...i love the amish. i do. always have. i have a deep respect for them. it is such blasphemy that they are a tourist attraction...the exact opposite of what they are supposed to be all about. however...i stayed on a farm in amish country. the farmer and his family were not amish but...it was close enough for me to savor the experience. i remember sitting outside on the big 'ol porch on the porch swing. oh how i love me a porch swing. and...i was almost freaked out by...number one...how dark it was...no street lamps glaring...no bright lights...no nothing. and secondly...it was so damn quiet. you have to understand i came from the city where every night was a cacophony of sounds...the boom boxes in cars thumping...the sirens blaring...fireworks...train whistles...the whole shebang.

so the quiet of that little farm was...unnerving.

but i like it.

it is that way in my mind too. so much noise, distraction, and chaos. it is so hard to be still.

it is okay to be quiet. it is okay to let the worries wait. it is okay to...not think of anything important. it is okay to let yourself be.

but so terribly hard.

let go this evening with me. still your mind and just be.

tell me how it goes.

Photo Time!

Let me see here...what do I have in my photo larder?


The first is a photo taken just a week ago. It was a beautiful fall day.

The next one is me resting while my sister shopped at some boutique.

And the last is me trying to drive a boat. I had never done it before.

Recent Reflections

not to worry...this is not going to be one of my heartfelt and in depth posts. my brain feels like a fried egg...so i am just going to blather on about nothing in particular.

Reflection #1:

am i the only one who fails the word verification thingie ma bobs? what is wrong with me? can i tell you that i loathe them? i understand their importance, however. who needs spam? but man they are annoying. if i wasn't dyslexic before i think i am now.

Reflection #2:

what is with jerry seinfeld? we don't see him for a decade or more and he comes back like unwanted body hair. you know the bee movie is gonna suck. why...why...why jerry...do you need to come back this way? and those constant interruptions into good shows like the office...of his not funny shorts and promos for the bee movie...just stop it. stop it now.

Reflection #3:

we are still eating the halloween candy and i found christmas candy at the bottom. give me a break! what did people do....save their kid's christmas stocking candy and give it out for halloween? perhaps that is better than the dude who gave out orange vitamin water to the kids this year. gee...thanks.

well....that was taxing. time to rest. feel free to add any of your own "reflections" to my list.

smell ya later,
merelyme

The results are almost in...

not sure why blogger limits you to seven days for a poll but works for me i suppose.

so ya wanna see more photos and hear more stories about my life eh? i can definitely do this. there certainly is a lot to cover since i am as old as the hills! i just love saying that for some reason. maybe i am trying to de-sensitize myself to my growing age.

hopefully there is a certain freedom to growing older. i can be as funky and as weird as i want and i have an excuse. and certainly i will be more amusing as i grow older. isn't that how it works?

you ever notice that men's ears get bigger when they get older? or is it that their heads are shrinking? just saying...

i definitely want to be the wacky old person that all the children love. "hey let's visit gramma and her llama farm!"

okay okay enough of this.

i am still alive and kicking and relatively young and vibrant. even though my body is telling me otherwise.

i have big plans for my blog. i need more decor...more flamboyance...more feng shui...not sure how to spell that. well...actually i just want to make this the best damn blog ever! oh by the way...i am taking something for my depression...something natural...the SAM-e stuff i spoke about and i think it is working. might kick me into my more...ummm...up side but i like it.

i feel good. and why not? i deserve to feel good sometimes.

and if i had some magic pixi dust i would make you all feel good too. and well you should.

the world is our oyster.

seize the day.

gather ye rosebuds.

and all that jazz...

so tell me how you all are spending this weekend? i am off to do chores in a minute.

toodles for now...
me

Building a mystery

i was playing some of my old CD's and re-discovered this song. i love it so.



here are the lyrics:

Sarah McLachlan - Building A Mystery Lyrics

You come out at night
That's when the energy comes
And the dark side's light
And the vampires roam
You strut your rasta wear
And your suicide poem
And a cross from a faith that died
Before Jesus came
You're building a mystery

You live in a church
Where you sleep with voodoo dolls
And you won't give up the search
For the ghosts in the halls
You wear sandals in the snow
And a smile that won't wash away
Can you look out the window
Without your shadow getting in the way?

You're so beautiful
With an edge and charm
but so careful
When I'm in your arms

Cause you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

You woke up screaming aloud
A prayer from your secret god
You feed off our fears
And hold back your tears, oh
Give us a tantrum
And a know it all grin
Just when we need one
When the evening's thin

You're a beautiful
A beautiful fucked up man
You're setting up your
Razor wire shrine

Cause you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

Ooh you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

You're building a mystery

The day after

The day after a holiday is always a little depressing. Today the pumpkins are charred and beginning to sink into themselves. No longer needed they will get chucked into the woods behind the house. Poor jack-o-lanterns. Such loving care was taken to carve their personas...only to be discarded the next day.

Such are the seasons of life.

LOL

Here I am waxing philosophical about Halloween.

Of course you realize that this means we have to celebrate Christmas henceforth. It has always been this way hasn't it? Poor Thanksgiving doesn't stand a chance as a true holiday. All I know is this is the season for acquiring plumpitude. First there is the leftover halloween candy and then there is the bounty of food for Thanksgiving...big 'ol turkey legs and yummy sweet potatoes covered in sugary marshmallow and pies...ooooh I love pumpkin pie. Then comes the Christmas cookies and candies and....

Just roll me down a hill now.

No wonder we all hit the gym come January.

My birthday is coming too. I think because of my first installment of synchronicity stories...people think I am 40.

I AM HERE TO CLARIFY....I AM AS OLD AS THE HILLS. I will be 43 on December tenth. My synchronicity story merely began...when I was forty and there is still much to cover and guess what? It is all about MS. Yes I can stick to topic sometime.

I do hope my blog is not too strange and scattered and all over the place. Oh well. It is. I can't talk about MS constantly. Sorry...no can do. It isn't healthy for me to do so anyway. I am me and I want to talk about all sorts of things.

So who is having candy for breakfast raise your hand! ME! ME!

weird self portraits

I have always loved...

this song. i hadn't known there was a new version of it out. it figures someone would re-make it as it is such a classic. here are the two versions.

you attract what you are

I heard this somewhere...the adage that you attract what you are. I think this may be true to some extent. When you look at your friends they usually have something in common with you.

This is interesting for me because I could fall into so many categories. I am a walking talking dichotomy of personality traits. Then you add on...circumstance and...I have no idea where I fit. I have often felt like a true outlier. Yet I can identify with so many different folk.

For example...

I grew up in poverty. I have experienced homelessness. I was definitely a ghetto kid.

But I did acquire an education. I hobnobbed with the academic set. I have a couple of Masters degrees. People would not be able to tell at the onset of my lower class background. But get me into an instance where I am angry...and ghetto girl comes out in a flash and I am ready to get into someone's face.

I am nerdy. As a kid I would buy myself workbooks as homework wasn't enough for me. I read encyclopedias. I collected bugs. One of my favorite "toys" was a chemistry set. I hung out with the smart kids and wrote dark poetry.

I am also flighty and dumb about many things. Along with the smart kids I used to hang out with the folk who drank and did drugs. I didn't do those things so much but somehow I could relate to their personalites. My first boyfriend was a thug who owned guns and dealt dope.

There is a little girl quality about me. I am innocent and naive. I am Pollyanna at times. I love to play. My favorite place in the world is Walt Disney World. I used to collect wind up banks. I love penny candy. I still watch the Wizard of Oz and get scared by the witch and those damn winged monkeys. I still believe in Santa Claus.

Then there is the jaded old woman in me. At times I have honed my sarcasm to a finely edged blade. It is more than easy to slice and dice. I have that power but I seldom use it. I can be very dark and at times too wise about the world. I have seen much in my life.

I am a bit of a loner. I love my alone times to be in my head. I love to go on long walks in the woods or to ride my bike. alone. I don't care for crowds or places to be seen. I like to remain small and hidden.

Then again...I can be the life of the party...gregarious and charming. I can be funny and entertaining. I can play the part of a diva...sensual but comedic. It all depends on my mood of course. There are times when I wish to be a hermit and have nothing to do with human relations. I grow so dissapointed in others. Yet in other instances I am craving connection and depth of bonding with others.

And then there are the circumstances of my life. I have survived thus far the following things:

* a mother who is schizophrenic

* a father who drank himself to death

* extreme poverty, neglect, homelessness

* sexual abuse, emotional and mental abuse, and physical abuse

* i have been a witness to drug and alcohol abuse (not my own)

* infertility for only a couple of years

* my own mood....severe depressions leaving me with little will to survive. but i have and will continue to do so. a rollercoaster of emotions...anxiety, inertia, deep and profound sadness, and also great joy, creativity, and productivity.

* my youngest son being diagnosed with autism and all that this has entailed these past years.

* and now MS

it has certainly been one wild ride thus far.

so who can i relate to? just about everyone it seems. i suppose i tend to like and be liked by those who are a bit intense in nature. i can relate to the creative folk...the photographers, poets, writers, artists, sculptors, and general dreamers. i tend to like those who are constantly searching and who feel there is something more. i admire those who wish to make a difference and want to change the world. i love funny people...those folk with a twisted sharp mind...who can take despair and find something to laugh about. i like complex people...full of depth and mystery.

i love honest people...who will say all the things you want to say but don't have the courage to do so. i love off the wall, odd, weird people. i tend to do well with folk who are a bit on the off kilter side...a touch of mania with some depression as the main course.

i love the mad genius type....also the absent minded professor...the geek...the nerd who is socially awkward. i love folks who watch documentaries and who are good at number crunching. i love the folk who could care less about fashion or how the weather might affect their hair. i love the underdog.

so what about you all? who can you relate to and why? who do you attract as friends? who are you?