The aftermath of Christmas...

So has everyone survived the holiday thus far? Did you have to choke any extended family members? Did a pack of dogs steal your turkey like in A Christmas Story? Did Alvin the chimpmunk ever get his Hooola hoop?

Do tell all!

And what did santa bring you naughty people?

Can I tell you that I am simply giddy that it is over? It's twue...it's twue! Christmas is over...YAY! I can breathe easier.

The Incongruence of Christmas

I am in need of Christmas cheer my good friends. I need a little pixi dust, a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, perhaps a little spiked eggnog.

I seem to get this way every holiday season starting with Thanksgiving and cumulating in the big Christmas day.

All the Christmas shoulds lurk in a corner waiting to pounce at unexpected times to tell you how you are supposed to feel at this time of year.

And I love Christmas really. But I hate it too. My love hate relationship with this holiday goes way back. I have so many dark Christmas memories of there being no Christmas because my mother had to be hospitalized. Or adulthood memories of trying to meet everyone's unmet needs. Travelling to multiple houses just to be told in so many words of someone's disappointment in you or your gift.

Each year Christmas sneaks up on me. I want to celebrate all its nuances. I want to go ice skating. Now with having MS I dare not even try. I want to bake cookies. I have not baked a one yet this year. I suppose there is still time. A friend is coming today to bring some. I am grateful. I didn't even send Christmas cards this year...the very first year I have not done so.

All these vestiges of Christmas will not help me to find what I truly wish for and that is peace.

I turn on the TV and all I see are images of murder or destruction. Then there are the news shows who seem to celebrate all that is wrong with mankind in the creation of a who dunnit mystery show. Someone's life was taken. And we watch from the comfort of our living room as part of our entertainment.

I went to the mall during the hubbub of recent weeks. The throngs of people buying things they probably couldn't afford for the sake of a "giving" holiday began to make me feel a little ill. I point no fingers, I was one of them.

I write for a health site. I also answer questions there. Some of the questions rip my heart out. Like the wife of a man who has Primary Progessive Multiple Sclerosis. She reached out one day in a comment on one of my posts. I wanted to help her so very much. But I knew I couldn't. Hell...I couldn't even enlist support for her. And then there is the more recent question I chose to answer about a girlfriend who is basically wondering when her boyfriend might die from his aggressive Primary Progressive MS. While we all sit around eating our plum pudding or worrying about our links, this woman has to think about whether or not she has to put her boyfriend into hospice care. Her question was beautiful in its authenticity. I just feel so...damn powerless.

Yet there is joy to be found, despite the darkness. I find it in my children's faces. And in the glow of christmas tree lights on a still dark night. I find it in the warmth of a hand and the tinkle of a single jingle bell. I even find joy within my own darkened soul if I look hard enough.

I hope you find that joy too. This is my wish for you this holiday season.

Peace be with you all...

Merely Me

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Some light reading if you have the chance.

David Letterman I'm not but hey I tried. If you want a little humor please read my Top Ten Reasons Why it is Okay to be Depressed this Holiday Season.

One reason I am especially grateful this Christmas is...I have no new lesions. This is especially miraculous considering I have opted to not take any of the MS drugs. You can read about my news here.

If you are depressed here are some ideas of how to feel motivated to get up and move.

When you have a chronic illness such as Multiple Sclerosis, it is easy to neglect other aspects of your health. Here I talk about my first ever mammogram. If you are a woman who is over forty, I would urge you to have this routine screening done. I know it seems like a pain but it could ultimately save your life.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

That happens to be one of my favorite David Bowie songs along with Young American. What's yer favorite David Bowie song? Don't you dare say Rebel Rebel.

So I have been thinking see...

And what I am thinking is that I want to make some big 'ol changes to my blog for the New Year. It is time to freshen up a bit.

The one major change I will make is a name change. Not sure what I want to call my blog yet but anything to do with diseases is O-U-T. I am all about synchronicities and I have many stories to tell. But my stories are a bit sacred to me. I think I am gonna hold on to them for awhile and wait for the right time to share them with the rest of the world.

What is it I am trying to say here?

I am not my disease. I am not Multiple Sclerosis. I am me. I want a title reflective of my strengths. I wish to focus on mental health... physical wellness...and survival. To be honest, my view of things is, diseases are dreadfully boring. But people are exciting. It isn't what happens to us that is so important but what we do with what we are given.

Who am I?

I am a writer first and foremost. And a survivor. I know how to survive stuff really well. Me and the cockroaches...we are gonna be here when the world ends.

It has been somewhat of a struggle for me this year...adapting to having MS. I hate MS. I really do. It is emotionally difficult for me to both read and write about this topic. But I will continue to do so in hopes that my experience may help someone else. For me...this is my prime motivation. I really wish to focus on my path and minimize or eliminate all the meaningless clutter which can pervade my spirit.

Not sure if any of this makes sense. But I do like the idea of a new focus and direction for my blog. I love creating new things and engaging in transformation.

I want to get excited about the new year. I wish to focus upon joy.

And on that note...I am gonna share some of my writing here with you
now.

It seems like one of the cliches in the MS world is that if you get diagnosed with this disease you gotta immediately run a marathon or climb a mountain to prove your worth. Um...I don't think so. The smiley people climbing rocks on the Rebif boxes must be aliens from another planet. Perhaps some are inspired by the chicken soup for the soul type stories of mountain climbing MSers but not me. Perhaps I am the alien here who knows. You can find my biased opinion on such matters here.

If you have ever suffered from depression then you understand the feeling of intertia. For me it means a lack of desire and motivation to get up and do things. It is a horrible feeling of being stuck. I have written a two part series about the lack of motivation and mobilization present in depression and what to do about it. You may find Part One of my series right here.

I do hope you stop by to read and/or comment. And I want to thank all of you who join the conversation with me over at Health Central. The interview with Doctor Shock was especially enlightening and is still going on. I really appreciate all those who have shared their experiences. You are definitely going to help others and hey...that is what it is all about.

Addendum: Just to let you know...everyone's links are still intact...just scroll down and I am sure you will run into yourself. I am just in the process of changing the focus of my blog is all. So not to worry. :>)

Stuff Santa Never Brought Ya...

You were probably good...maybe a little naughty...but why didn't Santa bring you everything on your list? There was always something Santa seemed to forget.

I can name three things that I wanted but never got from Santa from when I was a kid.

1. A Big Wheel! My best friend had a large family and so she had several of these hanging out in her backyard. Lived on a hill and it was so much fun to go careening down the hill and come to think of it...possibly into traffic! Perhaps this is why I never got one. Did you have one of these as a kid?



2. A Snoopy Snow Cone Machine! Okay the need for this is so obvious...who would not want snow cones every day of the year? I mean seriously. They still make these and I found one at Wall Mart a year or two ago and I bought it for myself for Christmas. Okay so...um...it was a little hard to keep grinding down the ice but it was fun! Who wants a cherry snow cone?



3. And I also always wanted a tape recorder. This was in the days before karaoke and I wanted to sing into it. I finally bought one for myself when I was 13 by doing a paper route to make money. I used it to death!



So what did you ask from Santa that you never got? Do tell all!

And now for some serious stuff!

Do you know anything about electroconvulsive therapy? Well I didn't know much about this controversial treatment for mental disorders including depression either. So I asked fellow blogger and psychiatrist Doctor Shock to help explain this type of therapy. It is simply a fascinating interview and not to be missed. Please do stop by to read and/or comment. You may find my interview with Doctor Shock right here.

Remember Monty Python and the ministry of silly walks? Well I have developed my own repetoire of silly walks due to the fact that I have Multiple Sclerosis. Not to belittle this disease in any way...all serious business but...I do laugh at myself in how my symptoms manifest. I created a video so that others could see the symptom called "foot drop" up close and personal. Please do stop by and see my video making and sometimes comedic efforts. Please forgive me ahead of time for my lame joke.

You may find my video about foot drop right here.

Have a great evening, afternoon, day, week...etc and so forth!

Yours truly,

The One and Only Merely Me (Don't be fooled by copy cats or cheap imitators)

The Magic Dictionary says...

First off I wanted to thank you guys for all the Happy Birthday wishes! I did have a most splendid 44th birthday and I still have cake...with icing. It is taking all my will power not to eat the whole damn thing.

So many of you asked for answers to life's most perplexing problems with the aid of my very special Magic Dictionary.

I shall start with Foamy's question about her toes:

Foam asks: "why are my feet always toasty warm the whole day long, but the minute i hop into bed they turn into icicles and my husband won't let me warm them up on his legs? why?"
foam dear...your word is
"shivery" no lie! This word seems to best describe your popsicle toes. The meaning of which is to be marked by a low temperature. Toast them tosies up before getting into bed! They are probably cold because you aren't using them enough under the sheets. :>)

Next up is Stephen Parrish who asks: "My question for the Magic Dictionary is: Will I get a book deal in 2009?"

Stephen...The Magic Dictionary advises you to be "heedful" which means cautiously attentive. Be aware of your surroundings...and maybe something good will happen!

Our next question asker is Dee Jay who wants to know: "As for your Magic Dictionary, can it tell me if I will actually have the nerve to retire next year?"

Drum roll please... The Magic Dictionary advises you to "justify" why you wish to retire. Maybe that way you can convince yourself or un convince yourself to do so.

Curt in Colorado asks

"Will I find a new friend who doesn’t mind that I have no hair and smell of Elderberries?"

Hmm...very curiously The Magic Dictionary suggests for you to "knock over" any new friends to determine their worth. Perhaps the smell of elderberries will knock them over for you!

Next up is Teresa who asks:

"Will I sell my book to a major publishing house?"

The Magic Dictionary suggests you become a "Hessian" or a free lance fighter! Fight for your right to write girl!

Eric1313 wants to know:

"How successful will the new president be at stemming this low tide and bringing back at least a measure of confidence in not just our economy, but in our place as a world leader?"

The Magic Dictionary says that our president will "educate" the world.

And last but not least, Eric Donald France wants to know...

Q: How is the John Coltrane house doing in Philly?

Not sure what you are meaning but the magic dictionary feels that this house is "moldable." Are there renovations being done?

Whew...the Magic Dictionary is spent. It will lie in rest until the next round of questioners tests its magical powers.

Do you know what time it is now?

But of course it is the hour of the Great Tossing of Links Your Way!

Here...catch one or two!

Wanna be happy? Release your need for a certain outcome! Come and see what in the hell I am talking about here. I feel it is one of my better writings. I do hope you can stop by to read.

Have you ever wondered what it is like to tell your kids you have a life long chronic illness? Well wonder no more. I tell it like it is with this post on Health Central's Multiple Sclerosis site. A tearful Lifetime movie we are not. My family is more like the Roseanne Show.


Please oh pretty please come by to comment. I will let you ask my Magic Dictionary more questions if you do. How can you resist?

I'm the Birthday Girl!

Happy Birthday to meeeee!

Yep that's right...Merely Me turns 25 tomorrow. Uh...well...I mean 44!

My birthday is Wednesday December the tenth for anyone interested. I accept virtual chocolate...no calories that way.

I am a moldy oldie. Heh heh!

What I love about this birthday is it involves the double digits of my favorite lucky number. So this has got to be the best year ever for me. I mean really...it just HAS to get better. Just think...I have already dealt with most life crises...what else can happen? Don't answer that.

Let's play a game shall we? I haven't done this in a long time. On a former blog I would play the Ask the Magic Dictionary a Question. I swears...my special dictionary can answer all your questions. Nonsensically of course. I will go first since I am the birthday girl.

Magic Dictionary...I call upon your Special alphabetized powers to tell me if...I will have a good (as defined by no major crises...oh like health or financial problems) year?

The Magic Dictionary says..."nut" as defined by an insanely foolish person!

The audacity of the dictionary to insult me so! But it is probably true. LOL

If you too want to test the powers of my Magic Dictionary...leave a question in my comments and I shall read your fortune in a one word answer.

---------------------------

Okay and now to other matters such as my writing. Listen...I gotta promote myself somehow. Someone has to do it! But first I want to promote someone else here.

Vicki Bridges. She has a wonderful blog about Multiple Sclerosis. I personally find her to have one of the best MS blogs out there as far as delivering information in a fair and objective manner. Vicki has a journalism degree and it shows. I have a lot of respect for her as a writer, a mother, and how she has coped with having this disease.

Here is a link to Vicki's personal blog Down the MS Path.

Vicki had graciously allowed me to interview her for Health Central and here is where you can read about her experience with having MS.

As you all probably know...I suffer from depression. And I write about it. I wrote a little piece some time ago about what the experience can be like. It is a very deeply felt and personal view of me. I hope you do read it. You can find my writing here.

I do hope you can stop by to read and comment. That would be the best birthday present ever! But never better than chocolate. Chocolate trumps all things.

Silly question for the day!

It is time to extinguish the gloom!

Let us entertain ourselves with silly questions.

Here is one now.

What animal would you most like to be reincarnated into for your next life?

I am thinking a cat for me. I can totally relate to cats, especially the constant meowing for food. MEEEROWWWW! I also like naps and lieing in the sun.

Or maybe a squirrel. I like their frolics through the woods and racing up and down trees. Teasing dogs would be great fun as well. Hopefully I would also be a smart squirrel and be careful in traffic.

What are your thoughts? What animal would you come back as?

Thoughts of winter...

It gets so dark so early now.

My mind grows dark as well.

That Simon and Garfunkel song runs through my thoughts...

"A winters day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island."

So if you were a rock which type of rock would you be? I would be one of those white pebbles you pluck out of your shoe.




On a lighter note...Never sneeze while eating broccoli. I did tonight and it ain't pretty.

Time for links. Please stop by if you can.

First up. Have you ever tried to hide your depression only to find that you and your mood is absolutely visible to everyone including strangers? It is very disconcerting to find out how visible your sadness can be. Here is my story.

Secondly...SEX. That's right. I am talking sex and MS. I know...you don't want to hear about that second part. well tough noogies. Wrote an article about how MS can affect things like sex and intimacy. Don't be afraid. Come by and comment if you dare. You can find my post here.

Come visit me. Even rocks need company now and then.

Panic Attacks, Karaoke, and More Links!

Hi guys

I wanted to talk about a neurological experience I had over the weekend. My son had some friends over to try out our new Wii fit game. This will be the topic of another post. So his friends took turns running in place as part of the game. The noise was loud but not too loud. But for some reason that sound made my neurological symptoms go awry in an awful horrible way.

Upon hearing that thundering repetitive sound of feet running overhead, I began to feel true panic. I have had a few panic attacks in my day usually from a thought in my head. I have felt fear while in crowded places like a wave pool or crowded supermarket. Gee...now my fear doesn't seeem so irrational based upon what happened to that poor worker who was trampled at Wall Mart in New York. That is probably my worst nightmare. Anyways...this one was was bad and immediate.

I began to see flashing lights in my periphery (usually this is an aura that I will have MS symptoms). I felt frozen in fear and could barely talk. My flight instinct kicked in and when I was able, I darted to my bathroom and closed the door and began to cry because I couldn't stand the feelings I was experiencing. And then my right side began to convulse.

When I asked my friend about this...she has three kids who have epilepsy...she told me this was totally understandable as her kids have a reaction to both visual and auditory stimulation which is repetitive.

Then when I was in Wallmart of all places (I simply have to avoid this place completely) the lights there which flash repetitively at the check outs...almost sent me into having an episode.

Definitely something neurological is taking place. Not sure what to call it but it is no fun when it happens. And the panic I felt was absolutely horrible. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Always something new and fun to deal with!

On a completely different note...

I treated myself to an early Christmas present. I bought new karaoke songs on-line. I have a thing for karaoke. And I love to collect the music. For like fifty bucks I bought a collection with 2002 songs. That's right...two thousand and two songs! I was very excited. I now have everything from Cabaret to Suffragette City.

What present would you like to buy for yourself? Go ahead...you deserve it! hee hee!

And now...writing links:

I was asked to write a post about the organization called Embrace with Grace whose mission is to get people discussing a very difficult topic. The topic is end of life wishes. I must say...it was very difficult for me too but I finally did do it. With kids and all it is the responsible thing to do. Anyways...you can read my post about how to initate such a conversation here.

And you simply must check out our Nadja in her interview for Health Central! She did a fabulous job I must say. Come check her out here.


Lastly I want to tell you that I will be coming by to visit your blogs and leave kaboodles of comments! Or at least that is my plan. Please forgive me for not coming by more often. I want to definitely make it up to you.

Who do you look like?

Go to this site to find out who YOU look like! Hee hee...I look like Jesse James!

Got Turkey?

Wanted to interrupt my own post here and ask for some assistance. A woman wrote a very poignant comment upon one of my MS posts for Health Central today. Her husband has Primary Progressive MS and his disease is very aggressive. I would like to offer her some emotional support. She doesn't know anyone else going through this. She is anonymous and has the third comment under my article. If you can...I am sure she would appreciate knowing that others care. And if you know of any on-line support groups or others who have Primary Progressive MS she can talk to...please leave a comment under hers. Here is the link.

Thank you so much.

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Have you had your fill yet of turkey and sweet potatoes with the yummy gooey marshmallows on top, and the green bean casserole with the crunchy onion thingies, and the cranberry sauce froma can? Hmmm...have ya?

Now I'm hungry again. I am well on my way to developing a Buddha belly.

Speaking of food, I have been reading an interesting book about this very topic. It is a big 'ol fancy photo book called, "What the World Eats" and was photographed bt Peter Menzel and written by Faith D'Alusio

It is quite fascinating really. The authors show families from 21 countries and what they eat in one week. They have photos of the families with their week's worth of food before them and how much it would all cost in US dollars.

If you live in an East African country like Chad...you aren't eating a whole heck of a lot:

"If...you wake up in a village in the east African country of Chad, like Amna Moustapha...your meall is always the same--puddinglike porridge called "aiysh" and a thin okra soup with maybe a bit of dried goat meat for added flavor."

The one thing I am grateful for this Thanksgiving is that my family and I do have food to eat. I have been so poor as to have gone hungry. But even then it wasn't like what some kids in this world endure.

This book has cool facts too like...did you know that Greenland, Mongolia, Chad, and Mali have no McDonald's restaurants? Ecuador has ten and Egypt has 40. Japan has 3,891 and the US? We have 13,491 of them. That's a lotta Big Macs.

Goes without saying...the US has the most obese population with 37% of males and 42% of females are obese. France has some skinny bitches with only 6.8 percent of the female population suffering from obesity.

Anyways...the book is fascinating and lots of great photos and recipes. You too can find out how to hunt porcupine in the outback of Australia!

And now for The Great Proclamation of Links!

:>):>):>):>):>):>):>):>)

Sadness anyone? Have you experienced the many subtle variations of sadness and depression? I dare say I have experienced many. Please share your experience with melancholy here after reading my post, The Many Flavors of Sadness.

Want to hear a heartwarming mushy gushy Thanksgiving story? Well go read one of those darn Chicken Soup for the Sould books then! Okay seriously...I did write something with Thanksgiving in mind. I do hope you come and read it. You may find my story of "Faith and a Drumstick" here.

Ever wonder why I write about Multiple Sclerosis? Yeah I am wondering too at times. Writing and talking about illness can be depressing. But there is a reason I write about it and you can find my reason right here.

Have you ever wondered what the first year of having MS is like? Or if you have MS care to share your story about your first year? You could help a lot of people, especially those who are newly diagnosed. You can share your story in a comment here.

As always I am trying to promote community and you guys have been so wonderful. I feel so supported here. The comments on my writing on the Health Central site really help a ton. So thank you for reading and sharing there. We bloggers are a special group and we need to stick together! I will be by to visit your sites...very soon! Hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving.

So whadja eat? Tell me all the yummy details...

Marilyn Golightly?

It is always intriguing to me to think about how some directors or writers originally want others to play key parts in movies. I was given a link today to an article about how Truman Capote had a very different persona in mind for the part of Holly Golightly in the 1961 classic, Breakfast at Tiffanys.

In this MSNBC article, Capote has always envisioned Marilyn Monroe for the lead part: "The author had wanted Marilyn Monroe for the Hollywood adaptation of his 1958 novella contained in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s: A Short Novel and Three Stories.” He complained that the elegant Hepburn was miscast as Holly, a Texas runaway who reinvents herself as a Manhattan It Girl. The Holly of Capote’s imagination was a blonde like Monroe, who had a challenging childhood growing up as Norma Jeane Baker."

Marilyn Monroe?



I simply cannot imagine her in Audrey Hepburn's place.

I loved this movie mostly because of Hepburn. Her delicate grace empowered the screen. She was charming and elegant...cat like in her actions and demeanor. Aloof but loveable. Marilyn would have been too much for this part...too much of a stereotype.

Not to say that I don't love Marilyn Monroe too, for what she brings to the big screen. But I feel that Breakfast at Tiffany's would have been an entirely different movie had Marilyn Monroe played the primary role. And I dare say it would not have been as substantial a movie if she had.

I am enchanted by Breakfast at Tiffanys...it was created before I was born yet it is timeless. I like the theme of the little girl lost in the big city. Hepburn's delicate frame seems a perfect polar opposite for the vast expanse of New York City. I love the music and the downtown scenes of long ago. And of course I love Cat and what this anonymous pet represents...true connection.

Stop me soon or I will be singing Moon Rivvvverrrr...

It is interesting...I think Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe represent two types of female icons. And I like them both actually. I love Audrey Hepburn's understated charms and quirkiness. I like her nervous twittering about like a little sparrow. Marilyn, of course, was liquid sexuality. It just pours out of her naturally. But I also liked Marilyn behind the persona too. She had a very troubled childhood and was in and out of foster homes. Her mother was like mine. Marilyn Monroe's mother had paranoid schizophrenia. Had Marilyn wanted to die at the end? Nobody knows to this day. I think we were all touched by the vulnerable side to her which seemed overly shrouded by her appearance and fame.

I am very curious here.

If you are a woman which actress can you most relate to? Marilyn or Audrey? And if you are a man...which type of persona, Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn, do you prefer and why?

And who do you think should have been cast for the part of Holly Golightly?

Green poop and other delights of dog ownership...

Dogs are great but they eat anything and everything. My dog likes to eat crayons, kitten food, and other dog's crap. She is not too darn discriminating.

Lately she has been having bouts of green diarrhea. I always have problems spelling that word by the way. "please excuse my son from school as he had di-uh-ree-uh...er um...diarreah...di ah....THE RUNS!"

Remember this song?

When you're sliding into third and you leave a juicy turd...diarrhea! How does the rest of it go?

Okay so now that I have totally grossed you out...any tips of what to do for a dog who has the runs?

And now for something completely different...

I wanted to thank you guys so very much for reading my writings on the health site and especially the piece I wrote on my mom.

A couple people asked some questions.

"Are you an only child?" I am in a way. I was the only child raised by my mother. I do have half siblings but they lived with their father (from my mother's first marraige) and their stepmother. So I was on my own with my mother.

"Are you getting paid to write on the Schizophrenia site?" Nope. But I did want to contribute. The site gives me a feeling of hope for folks who are now diagnosed with this. For my mother it is too late. But I am hoping for others that the new meds and better treatment can give them a better quality of life.

"Is that your home in the Christmasy photo to the right?" LOL Are you kidding? There are no crayon marks on the walls, no cats or dogs running amok, no laundry on the floor! And well...I wouldn't have a pink house. Nothing against pink. This was taken in a coffee shop probably two years ago.

And now here are some more links to my writings for this week.

I guess I am at that point where I am a little fearful of having Multiple Sclerosis. I am trying to face that anxiety head on but it has been difficult. I talk openly about my greatest fears with having this disease here.

I once did an internship with people having a dual diagnosis of drug/alcohol addictions as well as mental illness. I had to run some therapy groups. It was quite the challenge. I was proud of myself one day, however, when I introduced the notion of play to this population. Read more about my therapy adventures here.
I know I have been sucky about getting around to comment but I promise I will do so very soon. I am so grateful whenever you have the chance to read and comment on my writings. Thank you.

Writing as my path...

It sounds arrogant to say...my writing is my path. But that is how I feel. When I don't have anything left to give, I can always give my words. I feel this is what I am supposed to do with my life...other than helping my kids. I like waking up in the morning and knowing what gives meaning. Okay most days I don't know. Many days I am lost and depressed and cannot find my way. But my heart and gut tell me where to go and lead me back to...this path.

It is so easy to get caught up in nonsensical things. I do have pride and ego and all of that. Part of me wants to make my mark...to be known somehow. Yet I have no desire to become the disease of the month poster person or an "expert" or a health site diva. I have purposefully made this blog personal and intimate and not on google. I...have no wish for having the best ranked blog on google or some such thing. These seem to be so many people's aspirations. I feel stupid at times because I don't want the normal things.

What I want so desperately is to be on my path...whatever that means. So I am searching my soul for what things I do want to say. I am searching for meaning. I am searching for ways to make a difference which do not kill me. I want to feel at peace. There is a delicate balance between peacefulness and passions. I feel in my case I am always out of line.

I have a calling to write about my childhood...and about my mother who has schizophrenia. I haven't had much courage to write about this topic very much. My mother is growing old. I fear that she will die soon. I don't know that for a fact but there is something in me which cries out for...some peace. I want to write about the experience of living with her so that someone else who may going through it will know they are not alone. I want to give back. And I want to honor my mother in the process.

I feel very vulnerable...but...I think that is just part of the path.

I began writing today and it was such synchronicity...I was writing about how I still feel such love for my mother despite all the hell she had caused me growing up. And right in the middle of writing my piece...a get an email from a friend that his mother had just died early this morning. Coincidence yes...but a meaningful one. I have to write about...this.

So here is my small and humble piece about living with my mother and you can find it here.

I would be more than honored if you could come by and read and share any thoughts.

Thank you.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Well...it is surprising to me too but as sad as I feel today I thought was in no mood to go out and about. But I did and I actually felt a little better while in the Lowe's improvement store. They have all their Christmas display items out. And I must say...it was magical. They had lit up little churches and ferris wheels and stuffed animals that danced and moved to Christmas music. I am the kind of person who goes around and pushes all the buttons at once. I don't know how it happened but I began to feel a little spark, a little warmth, and a little hope. Maybe it was the large snowglobe with Charlie Brown and his infamous pitiful looking tree. Or maybe it was the singing trio of unwanted toys from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Whatever it was...it worked. My heart grew three sizes today.

***************************

***I had the wonderful opportunity to do a written interview recently with Stephen Harris who has an MS blog called One Life. Stephen is one of the finest writers I know. I just don't think he understands how good his writing really is. I want to strongly urge you to read his answers to my questions. It doesn't matter if you have Multiple Sclerosis or not...it will affect you. All I can say is...just go read for yourself. You may need a box of tissues handy.

You may read that interview here.

***Have you ever taken the popular anti-depressant Prozac? Care to talk about your experience? I took it for about three weeks and had to stop taking it because of a very strange adverse reaction. I am really curious to see how others have fared on this medication. Read and share your thoughts here.

Thank you for stopping by and I will be visiting all of your sites shortly!

A blue mood...

a blue mood is passing through. i am feeling rather disconnected and disenchanted with the world. it is quiet here in this place. i do like the stillness. i am stark like winter.

what state of mind are you in today? where are you?

It's Link Time!

I have some links to share with you guys!

As always I would be most appreciative if you would stop by to read and comment on my writings. I know...I am a pain in the arse but someone has to be...so why not me?

Here is an aside question for ya...Who is the biggest pain in the ass that you know?

Writing, writing, who has the writing? Oh that would be me!

* Have you ever found yourself at a crossroad where you didn't know what to do? I am at such an emotional place and I could use some advice. You can join the conversation here.

* Do you think that emotional pain should be eradicated? Would we be better off if nobody ever felt sadness again? I personally believe that the experience of emotional pain and sadness is essential to our long term well being. Agree? Disagree? Join the discussion here.

* Do you know how to read a brain MRI? Well even if you don't come on...share what you know or don't know by commenting on my post entitled, Brain Talk: How to Make Sense of your MRI

Five easy ways to...

I fear I am going to become a "Five Easy Ways To..." writer.

Not that there is anything wrong with it. It just really isn't me. It is what people like though. Easy answers to...pretty much everything. Saying you don't have the answers in a simple bullet format is just a sign of not being able to cut it.

Five easy ways of living with a schizophrenic mother and no father whilst living in the inner city with no money.

"I need you to write me an excuse for school," I asked my mother. I held a piece of lined notebook paper and pen in front of her.

A lit cigarette dangled from her lips as she took the paper and pen. She scrawled a message and then signed it. I took it from her. The note read:

Please excuse my daughter from school. She had to take care of me for the day. Signed, George Washington

.

"I can't take this to school," I muttered.

Mid puff my mother looked at me incredulously. "Well Lincoln didn't want to sign today."

Five Easy Ways to Survive College When Living with a Parent who has a Mental Illness...

"Did you see my paper?" I asked my mother.

"What paper?" she retorted.

"The paper I spent all night typing last night for school." I was beginning to become concerned.

"I was looking at it." my mother informed me.

"Looking at it?" I asked with increasing anxiety. "If you know where it is can you just please give it to me now?"

My mother lifts up a sofa cushion and there is my paper seemingly intact. But then I see *it* on the top page. She had drawn a picture of what appeared to be an alien with big eyes and outstretched arms. I flipped through the other pages and there on every page was the same creature to greet me.

"Why?" I moaned

"They just want to see what college is like," she explained.

Five Easy Ways to Live with a Drug Addict

"I need you to do something for me today," he said over the phone with an urgency in his voice.

"What is it?" I asked feeling my anxiety rise.

"I want you to overnight me something. I forgot my weed."

My boyfriend was working a trade show in another city for five days and was asking me to mail him marijuana.

"No...that is crazy. I won't do it." I knew I would have to hang up soon or he would convince me.

He began to plead. "I need you to do this for me."

"I have to go," I began hanging up the receiver.

I could still hear his voice, demanding and desperate, as I finally put the phone down.

Five Easy Ways to numb yourself when being told that your son has autism

I sat in the speech therapist's office watching my son as he pulled her blinds up and down, up and down.

She sat at a child's table eagerly asking him to sit down and look at some pictures. My son wanted nothing to do with the pictures nor with her blocks. He showed no interest at all in the therapist. But the blinds! What rapture.

The therapist called his name. No response. Not a look. Not a backward glance. Nothing.

After some minutes of this I looked at her and ask a simple question that I already knew the answer to.

"Is what you are seeing here today...can any of this be caused by a hearing loss?"

The therapist couldn't even meet my eyes as she slowly shook her head from side to side.

It was within that moment that I felt my heart break.

Five Easy Ways to tell yourself that your life isn't just some bad dream where you will wake up and really be a butterfly

The phone rings.

It is the call I had been waiting for but wishing I would never get.

"We have the results of your MRI. You have multiple brain lesions which are indicative of Multiple Sclerosis. We need you to come in so we can talk about your treatment."

***silence*****

"Are you there?" a voice inquires.

-------------------

Maybe the five easy ways folk have the answers to fill in the spaces, the doubts, the impossibly vast void of whys. Perhaps there is a book out there of handy dandy lists neatly spaced and hopefully suggestive of what to do for all occasions.

But until then...I will be sitting in my cloud of memories wondering what in the hell has happened here.

Question for the Day

What does it mean to be a "good" writer?

Random Thoughts

Unique title huh? NOT

It is the thing nowadays to be random and write long streams of consciousness. It is helpful to do that...actually...in order to discover your best thoughts. So why don't I begin?

* Why do dogs always chew off the eyes of little cheap stuffed animals? My one son brought home a stuffed squirrel and our dog ate its eyes out! Poor squirrel has stiff fur too from all the doggy saliva. But of course the bigger question about dogs is...why would they care to eat another dog's poop? It is all in a day's work for a dog I guess.

* Why does my kitten...soon growing into cathood...pronounce her Meows with a "FFFFFF" at the end? You know why? Because she is always galloping like a wild little pony and the extra "FFFFF" gives her steam. MEOWFFFF!!!! She still makes attempts to bite me in the behind as well as to drag around dirty laundry. I caught her galloping about with my underwear wrapped around her neck. Perhaps she wants a spot on a Victoria Secret commercial.

* If you are suffering from writer's block...do what I do. Don't write. If you are able to do so...go without writing for one or two weeks until you just cannot stand it any longer. The thoughts and words will be bubbling up inside of you until you EXPLODE! I do much of my freelance work ahead of time so that I can do just this. I begin to miss writing and then by the time I am supposed to write...it just flows.

* Don't let the Turkeys get you Down! Remember this 70's slogan? This was in addition to the Hang In There poster with the cat hanging from an exercise bar. The gist of what I want to say is...there are going to be so many people in your life who will try...some consciously...some unknowingly...to bring you down. They will tempt you and invite you into the world of petty negativity. Don't go there. Stick to your path and your vision for yourself. Listen to your gut at all times.

* Do what you do not for the accolades or money or anything else but...because you are being true to yourself. Don't get me wrong...money and accolades are great but they are not an end all. These can go away. But your inner desire to make a difference...nobody can take that away from you.

* This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine! Whatever gifts you have to give to the world...let them out! Don't be afraid of your own success. There will be lots of people who won't like it but tough noogies. We don't need to squelch ourselves into nothingness because someone else might not like it. It is good to rise above and not end up as the victim or the lovable loser. Some people might seem to like you more when you are down because it superficially inflates their own self worth. But a true friend is going to like AND respect you when you are down as well as when you show signs of strength. So what's stopping you? GROW!




More on the topic of writing...

I guess I am becoming more serious about a writing path. I went out and bought some of those writing magazines and journals recently. I have bought them before but couldn't bring myself to read them. Why...then I would be moving towards my goals! Can't have that! So maybe this is a sign that I am more ready to embrace what I am. I am a writer. Why is that still so hard for me to say?

I finally want something for myself. I am hungry. I haven't felt hungry in a long long time. Depression takes away the hunger and makes you think crazy things like...you don't deserve good things. I am finally ready to adopt a more sane way of looking at my life.

Anyway...in the latest issue of Writer's Journal...they had an article which gave me a feeling of hope.

Sometimes when you think about writing...least for me...you think of the big huge goals like writing a book. Sometimes these huge goals seem so daunting you don't want to even begin. So how about something smaller and do-able?

One of my issues with writing is that it is difficult for me to find a good chunk of time to keep going with things. I have children, one with special needs, and so it is hard for me to write without interruptions. I also have issues with my mood. One day I will write in a lighthearted manner and the next day...that mood and tone is lost and I find myself very serious. Continuity is a problem for me.

What is one answer to my dilemma?

This writing mag had an article which offers a solution. Kathey Fetsko Petrie, in her article, Consider the Essay: Advice for Writers Raising Children, provides solace to us writers who may not have all the time in the world to devote to our craft.

Petrie states: "Essays are remarkably portable. Their relatively short length-700-1000 words -makes them able to be "written" in one's head while one is doing laundry, riding to a soccer game, waiting in the pediatrician's office, or standing in line at the supermarket."

This is so true. Everything I write is written in my head pretty much before I begin to type.

Here are some more advantages of essay writing:

* Essays are usually based on first person experience so you won't be devoting much if any time in researching facts or conducting interviews.

* Parenting gives a great basis for writing essays. Just observe your daily life and write it down.

* This author says that essays do not require query letters. You can write it in one sitting. Edit it and submit it for publication. Many print publications now allow you to do this through email.

* Markets for essays can include your local monthly parenting magazine.

* Look for other Parenting mags and check out their submission guidelines. Google the magazine's name and the words submission or guidelines.

* If you are not interested in writing parenting articles...Petrie tells us to look to write in the commentary or guest column page of your local newspaper. Or how about your local or city magazine? If you hit the big time...perhaps Newsweek or the New York Times will accept your essay.

Have I done these things? Noooo. I have gotten used to people just finding me and asking me to submit things. Usually for no money. So maybe it is time for me to have some direction and purposefulness.

And you too! Get to writing people!

The Voice of Shaggy

Did you already know this? It is true. Casey Kasem is Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Well his voice is anyway. Is he also Scooby's voice? I do not know.

I bought some new music last night. I have been trying to build my music collection to include some classics. I was gonna get The Clash...London Calling. Or some Sex Pistols. But instead I reached for something "better" as in Casey Kasem's twenty greatest hits from the 90's! LOL Pretty lame huh? I don't know what it is with me. I love those dopey CD's they market with hits from different eras. I also love soundtracks to movies and tv shows.

What is the last CD you have purchased?

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...

Okay not so different but I needed a segway there.

I have some new posts for you to see on Health Central. Please do come by and comment if you can. I would be most appreciative!

You wouldn't think that opening doors for others would provide fodder for a debate but evidently it does! Chime in with your thoughts by commenting on my latest MS post entitled, Should you Hold the Door Open for Someone who has a Disability?

What do Autism, Aardvarks, and Prozac have to do with one another? Read my latest post on Health Central's Depression site to find out.

Is there a difference between being alone and feeling lonely? Voice your opinions here.

It is a brand new day...we have a new President. I am feeling downright jubilant!

I will be visiting all of you on your blogs very soon!

And the good fairy descended from the clouds...

and said: "Little Bunny Foo Foo I don't wanna see you...scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head"

Oh wait! Wrong story...

What she really said was...I promised a "treat" to my loyal friends, who through the kindness of their special little hearts, came to add their wonderful support in comments to my articles both here and yonder (on Health Central).

But what would be a worthy treat for my dear friends?

For all the people who have been so kind to me with your comments I offer you this!



Hey! It is my favorite treat left over from Halloween. I got hungry while waiting around for ya so I took a bite. The good thing about this virtual treat is it is zero calories. Enjoy!

The next "treat" is a bottle of bubbly for those of us in the mood for celebration.



I am sitting here watching CNN. I am so excited. It is gonna happen. I won't say anything else until tomorrow. Smiling like a cheshire cat here.

And lastly a HUGE THANK YOU to the following bloggers for making a special trek over to Health Central to comment on my articles. I can't tell you how much that means to me. This is my first paying job in over a decade and I really want to do well. Through my writing I have the opportunity to give back. It is extremely meaningful work for me and I want to continue. So your comments really help.

I want to give you all a special award and ask you to please return to read my posts on Health Central. My posts go up each Monday and Wednesday on the depression and Multiple Sclerosis sites. You give me inspiration to be the best writer that I can be. And I humbly thank you.

I am hoping that by listing your links that others may come to visit your blogs as well.



Paul

Laughing Wolf

Nadja

Rick Moore

Slip

Jen

Susan

Abby

Teresa

Bernie

Lanette

Ian

Deejay

Marja

John D.

Joan

Stephen

Stuart

Tickled Pink

Pat

Zathyn Priest

Allan

Diane

Brad

Georgie

Foam

C.E. Chaffin

Blinder's Off

Trick or Treat!

Peek-a Boo!

I am going as a geisha this year. Anybody else dressing up?

Been writing away and wanted to share some links with you.

I will give a "treat" to anyone who comments on my posts on Health Central! So pretty pretty please come on by!

* Do you know if you have "onionmania"? No it is not a love for onions! If you want to find out what it is come read my article here.

* Are you an introvert? Are you proud of it? Or are you an extrovert who loves introverts? Then come and demonstrate your pride and admiration for introverts here.

* Have you read the memoir, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly? It is one of the best books I have read in a long while and it deeply affected me. Come read my book review here.

And if I don't get to writing here tomorrow...

HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEN!!!

The Candy is Coming!

I can feel my belly expanding already. The candy is coming. Halloween will soon be here. And of course you always hope the trick or treaters won't take all the candy because you want some...ummm...a lot of it!

My favorite are Reeses peanut butter cups but we can't even have them in the house because one of my sons has a peanut allergy. We usually give them all away. Boo hoo! You know what I like that probably none of you like? Candy corn? Who likes candy corn raise your hand!

Just watched It's a Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. I keep hoping every year that he will come. What do you think the Great Pumpkin looks like?

I am feeling a tiny itty bitty bit...blue.

So tell me something cheery deary!

I'm not drunk! It is just my MS!

I just did a video for Health Central, my first ever, where I show one of my MS symptoms. It is true that some people who have Mutliple Sclerosis are sometimes mistaken for being intoxicated. If you stop by to view my video you will see why.

I am hoping that showing what some of the symptoms of MS can look like, I can promote more awareness of what this disease can be like.

So please stop by to see me! My video can be found here.

Way back when, before I had kids, I was pursuing my second Master's degree which was in Social Work. I had to do an internship working with people who were dually diagnosed with drug or alcohol addictions as well as mental illness. It was one of the hardest things I ever did for school. But I learned so much and especially about myself.

Wrote a story about one of my experiences there entitled, The Tough Love Therapist.

And finally...I wrote up a little something for Stuart and his site about my current cognitive issues relating to my MS. My post is entitled: MS, My Brain, and Me.

On that note I do want to apologize if I am not so good lately at returning comments or being so social here. I have been having these congitive issues this month which make it difficult for me to remember things and to think straight. I am so appreciative for anyone who still comes around to read me. You guys are great. I am trying to get my act together here so please keep bearing with me.

Charlie, Lucy, Sally, Linus, or Snoopy?

So which Charlie Brown cartoon character most depicts your personality?

I was telling a friend that I feel I am most like Lucy and my friend laughed and said no...that I was most like Linus...a hopeless romantic waiting for the Great pumpkin to appear! Just goes to show you that how you feel about yourself isn't always mirrored by other's perceptions of you. Who is to say which is the most accurate.

Who are you most like? Charlie Brown, Lucy, Sally, the Little red haired girl, Marcy, Peppermint Patty, Schroeder, Pigpen, Snoopy, or Woodstock?

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Just wanted to ask you guys to please come visit Health Central to read the interview of one of our fellow bloggers named Amy. Amy's blog can be found here and her interview can be found right here.

Amy has been living with Multiple Sclerosis for over twenty years now so she has a lot of experience with this disease. Amy wants to use this experience to help others who also have been diagnosed with MS. Here is a project she is currently working on to do just that: "I've designed an approach that once developed will be a customizable learning space that caters to each individual's learning needs and preferences. It's called MS SoftServe." To find out more about MS SoftServe and about Amy...please do visit her blog and read her interview. And comments...would be so appreciated!

If you have Multiple Sclerosis and would like me to interview you and post the written interview on Health Central...just let me know.

Also wanted to tell you that there will be a surprise for anyone wanting to see me up close and personal...tomorrow...Wednesday...on Health Central's MS site! Hee hee! Here is my profile link but I will give you guys a direct link tomorrow.

Merely Me on Health Central

More to come!

Diabolical Kitty

Oh sure...she is sweet when she is sleeping. But when she is awake...watch out! Just yesterday she knocked down bins containing all my son's markers and crayons and pencils. Then she tried to swim in the toilet. She swatted down toothbrushes and also tried to attack the toilet paper.

But last night...was the last kitty straw!

I was sleeping peacefully when I felt Mew Mew crawl under the covers. Then I awoke to feel her little piercing fangs in my behind! She friggin bit my butt like it was a ripe apple! CHOMP! I detached her from her target and threw her onto the floor. What in the world??? She meowed incredulously as if to say, "what's the problem?"

Seriously...have any of you ever had an ass biting cat?

My future is on a computer CD

Well...

Finally got my MRI scheduled. They called Wednesday afternoon and told me to be ready Thursday morning for the MRI. Nothing like some advanced notice huh?

I don't know what to do. I guess I should shop around for a new neurologist. I like my doctor okay. It is just the damn center where she is located. It is crazy. They do not have their act together and I have been displeased with their services for over a year now. I am not one to whine and complain...takes a lot to get me upset but geez oh man! Enough is enough! Four friggin phone calls to get the MRI which...should have been scheduled.

So...I have the CD with my brain scan on it. I have not looked at it. What would I look for anyway? Bigger holes? More of them? Sometimes you have to trust in the doctors. Even though I don't wanna. A neurologist I am not.

There are two likely scenarios to come to pass. Okay pessimistically there is one.

A. I have more lessions

B. Things are the same.

C. By some miracle I am cured! My lesions are no longer there.

Hey anything is possible right? Right now it is a Schrodinger's Cat scenario...all possibilities exist at the same time. Reality only comes to play when we observe it. Sorta kinda.

Right now I don't know what the reality is...and that's okay. I am in no hurry.

I had this morbid thought the other day while walking around a mall. I looked at each person and thought..."Everyone I see is on a timeline. Everyone has both a beginning and an ending point." God isn't picking on me. Every human living thing will eventually...(cover your ears if you don't want to hear this)...die. Seems like a fairy tale.

In some ways it makes the life we have more precious. We shouldn't waste it. We don't know what will happen tomorrow. This...right now...may be all we get. Personally...I want to go out with a bang! Fireworks baby! Seize the day...all of that.

If you haven't started living...well...now is the time. Bring some happy into your life. Tell someone you love them. Go do the things you really want to do. Life goes by so very fast. I had no idea. When you are young it seems that it will last forever. It doesn't. Make it count. Make it...mean something.

All right...I will stop. Enough epiphanies. LOL

And onto...the topic of writing:

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My writing this week includes:

How to de-stress by decluttering your home environment.

Part Two of this series is how to de-stress by carving out a physical space of your own.


The Next Two posts have to do with what to say or do if you have a friend or loved one who has Multiple Sclerosis or really...any chronic illness.

You may find Part One here.

And Part Two here.

scrambled brains

I want to write something just for me...just to get it out.

Okay so I am losing my mind. Bit by bit. Nahhh I know I am being melodramatic. My mind is here I am just not able to think straight.

And to think people use drugs or drink alcohol to reach such states.

I have children who need me. And my mind is fucked up. I used to be sharp and now...hell...I am having trouble conversing...remembering little things...and sometimes big things. I have misplaced bills. I forget what I am supposed to be doing. And I'm tired. I get so tired. But I keep forcing my brain to work.

Yeah I know I don't talk about this too much. It is because it hurts.

People expect me to be the same...to function just as well...to be normal. But I'm not.

I'm not sad. I am just...staring at my reality. Am I scared? I can't go there. I don't have the luxury.

If it were just me...oh hell...I wouldn't care. But my kids. My youngest doesn't understand. He just needs...so much. He will be in my care probably the rest of his life. His autism is...severe. Oh god I worry about him.

I need to fire my neurologist. A simple appointment she said would be made...was never made. If this were the first time then sure. But a year of this fighting the system and I can't do this any more. Four phone calls later and I still do not have my next MRI scheduled. And I get attitude on the phone. Four friggin phone calls and I cannot get the MRI scheduled. When I do get my scan I am going to take my little lesioned self with a copy of my MRI and go to another doctor. They deal with neurology patients...people with Alzheimer's...people with MS...and yet they make everything so damn difficult. I do not understand.

I don't even want to have this MRI. This is the one to see how things have progressed. This is the one where I get big pressure to take the meds.

I don't want this disease. Is that fair to say?

People depend upon me. And once again....I am so damn disappointing.

I keep going, going, going and sometimes every once in a blue moon...I...have to just stop.

My thoughts blow like the seeds of a wish flower into the spiraling winds.

No Bucks in Books?

Is it worth it monetarily to write a book?

I am not so sure nowadays. What is selling now in non-fiction? Politics, politics, and more politics. Anything to do with going green and the current economic crisis is hot right now.

Otherwise...books about diets and the metaphysical usually do well. Write a book about how an angel told you how to lose weight and get rich in this economy...best seller I'm telling you.

I got a book out of the library...one of the schmaltzy ones about publishing...you know...filled with secrets...secrets I tell you! The book is called Publishing Confidential: The Insider's Guide to What it Really Takes to Land a Nonfiction Book Deal by Paul B. Brown.

The author says things that are commonly known such as the fact that publishers are not the most skilled at marketing books. In the end you will have to be the one to bear most of the responsibility for being both a writer and the marketer of your book.

He also talks about contracts and negotiation. I was terribly naive about contracts and still am to some extent. It is good to slow down, take a deep breath, and don't sign something until you truly understand what you are signing. There is always room for negotiation. And when and if I see another contract in my lifetime I will heed my own advice!

On the subject of money...I have found out the hard way that if it isn't in writing...you are screwed. Assume nothing unless you have it in writing. I also found out that if you are a mere contributor to a book, assume there will be no money coming to you unless you were smart enough to have an amount written in your contract. I have a relative who writes for a living and she said she had to stop writing chapters for other people's books because there was no money in it. In the end the editor gets both the money and the credit. If you are a novice writer like me, however, your contribution can be a foot in the door for other projects and work.

Now let's look at some of the advice given in this book about how it works when you are the author of a whole book being published. Some authors get money up front, Brown says. I wonder how many nowadays.

He says that the best you can hope for is half the money up front when you sign the contract and the other half when the publisher accepts the manuscript...that they have read it, are hapy with it...it is ready to go.

Specifically he says:

"Some contracts say you get half on signing and the other half on publication-and remember that it can take a minimum of nine months from the time you turn in the manuscript in until the book is published. In that case it would be twenty-one months )twelves months to write the book, plus another nine months to wait) until you got your money.

And that is a better deal than the fairly typical offer of one-third on signing, one-third on acceptance, and one-third on publication. And it is certainly better than what is becoming all the rage among publishers (especially if they pay a lt of money up front): one-fifth on signing, one-fifth on acceptance of half the manuscript, one fifth on the entire book, one fifth on publication, and the final fifth six months after publication."

He ends with...the question...do you still want to write books?

That is...even if you do get a publisher to want to put your book out there in the first place!

I think it is extremely rare for anyone to make a whole lotta money writing books. I want to write books for the purpose of helping others, because I have books in me that just need to be written, and for the exposure... hopefully leading to other more lucrative writing jobs. I will not be naive to think that I will make much money writing a book. Motivation is important...you have to know why you are writing.

Here are my questions for you...what has been your experience with signing contracts for written work? Do you believe one can make money by writing books or are there better paying jobs for writers?

Am I coming or going?

I dunno.

I feel discombobulated. I sure hope that is a real word. You know what I mean.

How does one find balance? How does one find peace of mind?

How does one find more chocolate? :>)

I wish I could put equal time into everything I am passionate about but it just isn't gonna happen. I envy those who can put all their time and energy into one magnificent thing but what a toll that must take on everything else. I knew a fellow once who sat down and wrote a novel in less than a month. He took potty breaks and did eat...and did sleep. But other than that...all he did was write. Of course he didn't have a job and lived with his parents so...this was all possible due to his lack of obligations and responsibilities.

Wonder how long it would take me to write a book? A decade? Okay two decades...a decade to begin and then a decade to write it.

What is your passion and do you have enough time to pursue it?

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Speaking of writing...

Had an interesting conversation with a fellow MSer while sitting in a waiting room:

I saw the man while I was in my general practitioner's waiting room. He sat two seats away from me staring off into space. Situated in the space before him was a walker. He looked fifty-ish at most. I didn't think age had anything to do with his condition and I guessed right off that he probably had Multiple Sclerosis. The silence was broken when he said out loud, "I like my doctor. Do you have doctor "X"?" When I replied that I did, we began to compare notes. I then asked if he had MS. When he said yes I responded with a "me too." At that he said a startling thing: "I hate seeing people who are still walking around and have MS."

You can find the rest of this article right here on Stuart's blog.

I also wrote about the process of telling others about my MS: "In what could have been a classic biblical scene, I pointed my finger at God and cursed both God and his decision to give me this disease. I did my cursing on the phone with one of my close relatives. Upon hearing my angry rant, she calmly retorted with, "There is no one to blame because there is no God." It was then readily apparent to me that telling others about my illness would provide a mirror into other's belief systems."

You can read the rest of this article here .

And finally...There's always peach ice cream when the rest of the world is a big 'ol cesspool: Maybe for some people, the phrase would be, "There's always Paris" or "There's always Monday Night Football" or even "There's always naked bungee jumping." But for me the declaration that there is always peach ice cream gives me a feeling of hope.

You may read the rest of my article here.

"I meant to do that"

"I meant to fall into the bathtub!"

What a crazy kitty. She is fascinated by water.

Mew Mew has just come back from being fixed. Poor thing...she doesn't know what hit her. She is resting now in her little carrier. This carrier has a lot of memories for me. Actually it was designed for a pet rabbit of some woman who lived in California. This lady gave it to my ex-boyfriend to take a cat that he had found on the beach back home to pennsylvania. So then I used it ever since to transport my kitties to different places but usually to the vet.

Two of my kitties would go into this wire and wooden carrier in order to go to the vet and would never return home. The sight of this carrier was one of their last images before being put to sleep. I remember those very sad trips to the vet so I am very happy to see my Mew Mew return... a little dazed but healthy and happy.

There is something about kittens and puppies which rejuvinates a weary soul. I am glad to have this little furry creature in my life. She makes me smile every day.

You have to understand that I am writing under the influence of PMS so I am alternatively happy and melancholy within the span of minutes. And ravenously hungry. Wish I had some brownies. And ice-cream. Oh and chocolate cheesecake.

Before I launch into a rhapsody of my food desires...I want to tell you about some posts I have written.

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First up you gotta see the wonderful interview given to me by our Joan from A Short in the Cord.

Joan is simply a delight. I am absolutely certain you will love reading about her experience living with MS told with both wisdom and humor. You can find my interview of Joan right here.

Have you ever had the experience of being depressed and then being forced into "happy" situations? Like being in a state of depression and having to take the kids to a circus? I write about my sordid experiences here.

A new song...

Okay onto different topics. I need a break from politics! :>)

I have written some posts recently about my experience with having Multiple Sclerosis. Hey...I think it is almost my one year anniversary of having my official diagnosis. Not something to celebrate certainly but I think I am deserving of a cake. Who can draw a brain lesion with decorator icing? If I didn't find some humor in all this I would surely crack.

One of the very frustrating things about having this disease is waiting for the damn doctor to be able to see me! I am sure this is not an uncommon experience for anyone dealing with any sort of medical issue but...the fact that neurologists are specialists...their time seems especially hard to get.

Here is a little song I wrote about waiting for an appointment with the neurologist. You can read my whole post about this topic here. Feel free to join the conversation and tell your own sordid stories of waiting for the doctor.

Losing my Myelin
(Sung to the tune of REM's
"Losing My Religion")

"My lesions are growing bigger!"
"They're bigger than you"
So won't you please help me.
The lengths that I will go
To get an appointment with my neurologist
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the waiting room
That's me pleading for an appointment
Losing my Myelin
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you had an opening
I think I thought I saw you try

Every time the phone rings
Of every waking hour I'm
Waiting for that cancellation
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
I wasn't drunk
I'm having an MS exacerbation
Will someone please call me
With an appointment
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard your nurse ring me
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

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Have you ever wondered what the day to day life is like for someone who has MS? Well if you already have this disease please join in telling people your story. Everyone who has Multiple Sclerosis is different in how their disease manifests and in how it affects their life. You can read about my unique experience dealing with the day to day challenges of having this disease here.

I will be back with more of this and that...you betcha by golly! *wink*

Are you a maverick?

Gee...could she have used this word more often? We could make a drinking game out of it.

Let's see...the definition of a maverick is: An unbranded range animal, especially a motherless calf; it can also mean a person who shows independence of thought or action; a lone dissenter; a non-conformist or rebel.

Right.

Isn't that what you think of when describing McCain and Palin? Oh yeah I sure think of rebels when I see those two. Mmmm hmmm. McCain has voted at least 90% of the time with Bush. Need I say more?

Biden rocked it. There is no question he won this debate. The soccer mom joe six pack references...they are wearing thin. Palin had absolutely nothing concrete to say in answer to the questions given. All of it came across as little rehearsed speeches. At least she didn't do the deer in the head lights thing which is consistent with her other interviews. She survived. But that seems hardly good enough when we are talking about the future Vice-President of the United States.

How are McCain's policies any different from Bush's? As Biden accurately pointed out...we haven't heard...and especially in tonight's debate.

One last word...I promise...okay I don't promise. But the whole "Joe six pack" image cracks me up. We voted Bush into office twice because...hey he would make a great drinking buddy! No...we don't need a drinking buddy. We need someone to lead. Sarah Palin...a heartbeat away from the Presidency? Scary? If you aren't scared by this then maybe you have been drinking a few six packs.

Seriously...

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This just in...I have a link to a blog post you gotta see about "white privilege" in America...good stuff.

And you also have to see the Sarah Palin flowchart. Priceless.