Growing Pains

So Makily is now 43 lbs. 

It may not sound like much but she does not hold on or help support her weight at all when you pick her up.   It's harder to just throw her on my hip like I used to do.  I miss the days of her being tiny where I could tote her everywhere.  And I did A LOT.  I loved the Baby Bjorn my friend had given me.  Those days were hard but there are moments that I remember fondly.  Moments that you realized while it was happening that you were going to remember them forever. 

I digress

Allen and I are seriously thinking about and looking for ways to get the van converted and a ramp into the house.  Actually Allen and my Dad could build the ramp.  We just need the van to be able to carry her IN her wheelchair rather than in a seat/carseat.  These are changes I had hoped we would not have to make.  I had hoped she'd be walking at least enough to go to the bathroom, her room, the living room and to and from the car by now.  With help of course, I wasn't totally delusional.  Harsh.  I know.  But it is what it is.  I have reapplied for CMS for both the kids.  I also applied for APD (Agencies for Persons with Disabilities).  Hopefully one or both of these agencies can help us or point us in the right direction for this. 


..and I'm Bipolar.

Type II

Took the doctor about eight months to diagnose me. 

Type II has longer, deeper depressive episodes whereas Type I is more up and down from mania to depression.

She upped my Abilify to 15 mg and went down on my Effexor to 150 mg.  I feel better since the meds were changed. 

I feel like I should be more upset with this diagnosis but honestly it explained so many other things so  I wasn't terribly shocked when she told me.  I don't have any deep thoughts about it really.  It is what it is and it's just another hurdle I get to jump over in my life. 

I have lots of hurdles. 

For Maureen.

My friend Nicole and I have known each other since we were about 14/15'ish.  We would sit at the Pep Rally together in High School and we were President and Vice President of Fidessa (a high school social/volunteer club) our Senior year.  We have been through some ups and downs but she's been a person that's been in my life for a long time. 

Unfortunately Nicole's mother Maureen died recently and unexpectantly.  She had watched me grow up with Nicole.  Maureen had the most infectious laugh I've ever heard.  It was loud and fun.  She was a life of the party kinda gal.  I went to the funeral and sobbed watching my friend mourn the loss of her mother.  Life is hard.  Hard times bring us closer. 

Anyway

Maureen had written this merely months before she died unexpectedly.  She did have some chronic illness but was NO WHERE near death when she passed.  It was a shock.

I hope it touches you and you enjoy reading it as much I did. 

For Maureen.

"The day will come when my body will lay upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital busily occupied with the living and the dying. At a certain moment a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that for all intents and purposes my life has stopped.

When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine. And don't call this my death bed. Let it be called the bed of life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives. Give my sight to the man who never has seen a sunrise, a baby's face or love in the eyes of a woman. Give my heart to a person who's own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain.

Give my blood to a teenager who was pulled from a wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play. Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist.

Take my bones,every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.

Explore every corner of (what's left) of my brain. Take cells if necessary and let them grow so that some day a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her window.

Burn what is left of me and scatter the ashes to the winds to help flowers grow. If you MUST bury something let it be my faults, any weaknesses, and all my prejudices against my fellow man.

If by chance you wish to remember me do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all I have asked I will live FOREVER. --Me

My Version of Perfection.

She sits perched perfectly in a rubber band dome chair
her Daddy bought her. 

Her tiny feet dangle swinging back and forth, kicking out in excitement every now and then.

She's wearing a pink heart bib that I made for her.  One of the good ones I've made...the seams are all pretty straight.

She grips the sides of the oval chair and sometimes scrapes her fingernails on the vinyl part to hear the sound.

Jakob comes in, patts her on the shoulder and says "amornin baby gerrr".

I cuddle him for being so sweet and always acknowledging his sister.  He calls her "His Kily"...Allen, Jakob and I like to argue over who she truly belongs to.

I look back at her and she's shaking her head, smiling and patting the chair.  Fairly Odd Parents is on.  She claps her hands and looks at me as if to say "Did you see that mommy?" 

She has the most beautiful porcelain doll white skin I have ever seen in real life.  Her eyes are so big and so deep blue that sometimes they almost look black.  In the sun her eyes sparkle deep dark perfect blue. 

She has perfect little lips and the cutest dimples (one man made) I've ever seen.  Her voice is angelic.

Her hair is a mess up in a pony tail.  She has blonde curls framing her face so even with bed head she's beautiful. 

She is amazing and strong.......and after eight years I can say SHE IS PERFECT.  She is who and what she was supposed to be.  I am grateful she is mine.

I'm learning to let go of what might have been.  What I thought my life should have turned out to be.  I am trying new things and venturing out into the world.  I will always mourn the "dream" that I never had but I've finally learned to rejoice in all that is wonderful and beautiful....and PERFECT in Makily. 

Ketchup.

Let's play catch up.

I took Makily to the surgeon.  He looked at her belly and said she needs a longer feeding tube.  He feels if it is rubbing it's because the tube is too short.  She has grown a lot and so the size has to be changed.  We got the new size tube yesterday and I plan on putting it in tonight.  I just hope it does not leak. 

He was not at all concerned about the incisional hernia so I'm not either.

Makily and I went to The Family Cafe at the Orlando Hilton last weekend.  Chontee had gotten a scholarship to go and asked Makily and I if we wanted to room with her and her kids.  It was a much needed get away.  We spent a lot of quality time in the pool.  We floated around their lazy river countless times and I snuggled my girl.  It was wonderful!

I'm working on getting a new camea and a new laptop.  My old one DIED suddenly.  I am hoping a fully charged NEW battery will revive it but if not I'm no too hopeful. 

I need to take more pictures.  Time is passing me by and I'm missing out! 

I had a really cool RED digital camera but somehow in my chaotic life it got lost along the way.  Right now I have a Samsung I think?  It has a touch screen and I hate it.  Sounds like it would be snazzy but I'm not digging it. 

Anyway

I'm rambling

That's me. 

I ramble.

I have some exciting things going on behind the scenes right now.  I can't/won't talk about it publicly just yet but just know I have something I'm excited about and looking forward to.
(don't you hate it when bloggers do this......you know you love me)

In other news our a/c went out one day this week and it was SWELTERING.  Luckily all it took was Allen putting the a/c on a bigger breaker and it was fixed.  Boy has it been hot in Florida lately though.  At least TS Debby finally blew over because the week or rain got old real fast for me.

That is all for now.  Half of this post was written in June the other half on July 5th. 

ur welcome.

Trish the Great. 

Today...

is a special day.

And that's all I have to say about that. 

--Trish <3

Struggling to Maintain.

*I had taken down my psych hospital visits for a while for personal reasons.  I put them back up the other day and didnt realize they would RE PUBLISH AGAIN on my blog just thought it would unhide them.  Sorry if anyone got confused..I know I did!*

So I've been a little off since the last medication issue...I was starting to get better again.  In an annoying turn of events my meds did not get called in by my doctor....for three days so I was out of my Effexor for two days and my Abilify for one this week. 

It's been a rough week.

Today I took Makily to see the Gastrointerologist and Nutritionist for a follow up visit.  I'll admit it had been nearly two years since we had been back to see them.  She's been doing so well so I was getting rid of appointments that we weren't really needing.  I wanted to see him to make sure her med dose was still okay and to also check on her weight and growth to make sure she's getting the proper nutrition.   After driving for an hour and a half on I-75, The turnpike and I-4 in the rain we arrived RIGHT on time to the appointment.  The secretary told me that the doctor was not there and that they had sent me a letter.  I asked why no one had called and they just looked at me.  After explaining I had just driven all that way IN THE RAIN they were able to work us in with the Nurse Practitioner. 

They were very happy with her weight and said she's growing very well on her own curve.  She weighs 40 pounds and is 43 1/2 inches tall at eight years old.   The want me to increase the amount of cluid she has taking in (water).  I always worry when we increase volume with her because she's had so many problems in the past.  She's also constipated somewhat recently so we are going to *try* Miralax again but I'm not thrilled about it.  We couldnt get a good dose on it last time and she was either going too much or not at all with it. 

She has an incisional hernia. 

I have noticed she sometimes had a buldged area between her button and her belly button.  I just thought it was scar tissue from all the abdominal surgeries she has had.  The doctor was not overly concerned about it and said as long as it was not causing other problems it could be left alone.  He did say though that her button is too high up on her stomach.  It's literally rubbing against her ribs.  He said that it's normal for this to happen sometimes as a child grows and HE feels it's the reason why she kept popping all those mic key buttons.  I personally believe she has an abnormally high volume of stomach acid and it eats away at the balloons. If we stop her Zantac within days the balloon goes bad.  NO joke...I've tested this theory twice.  But who the heck  AM I?

The thing is it's painful to have your g tube rubbing on your ribs.  There are times she claws at it.  Sometimes she's crying and we have no idea why.  It's hard to know how much it's bothering her or not because she has such a high pain tolerance.  They are referring us to her surgeon to see what his opinion is on this. 

I'm not sure what to do......but we are going to talk to the surgeon.

I'm not pleased.

Already Gone and The New Shrink.

So one of the things every therapist has told me since talking is that I need to do things for myself. I do everything for the kids but little for me. When I do I half ass it or do it really cheap because I FEEL AWFUL spending money on me.

Well one thing I had said that I wanted to do THIS year was see THREE concerts. Kelly Clarkson, ADELE and Eminem. Yes I realize I probably will not fit in at the Eminem concert and I likely may be killed BUT alas I digress.

I decided yesterday to look up when they were touring. Adele unfortunately broke her voice last year and cancelled her entire tour to recover from surgery. Bah. Eminem claims that he will never tour again (I GET TO LIVE!).

My Kelly WILL BE IN JACKSONVILLE in just a mere:

13 DAYS!



So I looked at the seating chart and the ticket prices and was excited about maybe getting a seat close enough to actually see (with my glasses that I need to get...and quick) that IT REALLY is Kelly Clarkson up there and not some random person.

I was shocked to see there were several seats up pretty close and then I saw that there were still seats IN THE PIT available.

When I looked at the ticket price though I said no way!

Row 2 PITT CENTER tickets were $145....A PIECE so THAT times two for someone to go with me.

I immediately started looking at other seats farther away because THAT JUST AIN'T ME spending THAT kind of money on a concert....and for MYSELF? NO WAY JOSE.

Then I could hear everyone's comments about my not doing ANYTHING for myself. I do it all for the kids. I don't spend money on me. I need to turn over a new leaf. I want to do things I have never done before. I CRAVE once in a lifetime experiences, but oftentimes don't get them because I just don't want to leave this kids, spend the money...etc etc etc.



So.....I asked Allen what he thought about me going and he said it was a great idea. Then I told him about the seating and ticket prices. He thought for MAYBE 2.5 seconds and said "You are going, GET THE GOOD SEATS."

SOB

SOB

So I did.

I bought two tickets to see my girl Kelly on Feb 2, 2011 in Jacksonville 2nd row center pitt seats.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I am ALREADY GONE in my head about it (incredibly cheesy pun intended). I can't wait to go. I am so grateful to Allen for letting me and not caring about the money. We had some Christmas money left over and I used that so I felt a smidge less guilty about paying that much but I am proud I made myself do it and I JUST CAN'T WAIT!

Let us take a moment and revel in how gorgeous Kelly is in this video. I especially like the dress and necklace she has on in the parts she is laying on the couch. If it were my day for girls she would be my girl crush FO SHO!


On a different note I went to my first appt with my new shrink yesterday morning.

It went WELL.

I do not know her life story or really any personal information about her. Much different than my first and old shrink. LOL

I told her EVERYTHING. It was hard but I just spilled it all. She listened and empathized. I actually had seen her once in the hospital so it was cool that I ended up with her. I didn't think I was going to see her as we had made an appt with someone else in her office but I think she decided to take me on instead.

Either way I don't care.

She encouraged me to continue challenging all my negative thoughts about myself. I do it daily and honestly since I've been doing it, the thoughts are becoming less and less. I'm obviously working on doing things just for me too. I am not the horrible person I had convinced myself I was. I deserve to have some fun and to pamper myself sometimes and Allen is ALL about me doing it.

I had been having trouble sleeping the last several nights. They added an extra half dose of my Effexor at 5pm. Since it's a new dose I was not always taking it right around 5.....I would forget and then take it at like 8 or 9 even. She said I could take it as early as noon instead and I slept SO MUCH better last night. Somehow it was keeping me awake.

She also diagnosed me officially with Anxiety, Depression and PMDD.



I had to laugh when I read that PMDD only affects about 3-8% of women and YET AGAIN I get to fall into that tiny percentage.



Am I talented OR WHAT?

More TMI here but honestly I was admitted to the nut house on Sunday and got my period Wednesday.....so yeah my period makes me crazier than I already am. hooray.

I especially like the "leave town" option.


I personally think doctors need to do something when your tubes are tied to make you NOT have periods anymore.

Just sayin'.

Who's Been Pooping In My Bed?!?

My title is a quote from a lady that was in the Nut House with me.

This lady annoyed the bajeezers out of me.

I could put up with, sympathize and even almost befriend the paranoid schizo guy. I could deal with the lady that pulled her hair out and ate it. I could EVEN put up with the lady that incessantly asked me if I had a hidden cell phone in my bra. For the record I did not. :-)

This lady though.......she drove me crazier than I already was.

She was in her late 40's I would imagine. She had a knee brace on both knees and was a little bit heavy. Not huge. Short hair, glasses.

The first day I got behind her in line for meds I wanted to pull MY hair out and eat it....okay not really but wow she was annoying. She had something to say about each pill she took. Some she would argue over and then realize in the end SHE was the wrong and THEY were right. She had about TEN pills to take so this took forever. Everyone behind us was rolling their eyes and complaining.

One time at group she said Danke Shoen instead of Thank You to everyone.

Give her meds? Danke Shoen.

Let her butt you in line? Danke Shoen.

Then she got her roommate saying it.

SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE.

I'm not sure why this annoyed me so but IT REALLY DID.

I shall call her Danke Shoen for the rest of this blog.

I had group her a few times. One day in particular we were having a good session. A patient was describing his symptoms of PTSD (he was a veteran) when Danke Shoen raised her hand. I thought wow maybe the moron actually has input and she's not just annoying. The therapist asked her what she had to add and she asked him if she could go get a piece of her candy.

*blink*

*blink*

Surely I thought this woman has not interrupted A VETERAN to ask for some candy.

The therapist said "Can you please wait until we are done with group?"

She told him her throat was dry.

Then fake coughed.

At this point I am holding back my annoyance and talking myself OUT of punching her for fear they will add anger management to my case plan and I'd be there longer.

The therapist said "Well you do have a yogurt in your hand as well as A CUP OF OJ so can you just make do until group is over?"

Danke Shoen fake coughed again and said she really needed her "Caaaaaanndy".

He said fine just go ahead.

Of course she said Danke Shoen.

Another time she left group because she said "She was just too tired......". We were like a half hour into group that ONLY lasted an hour. I was annoyed YET AGAIN because why the hell am I coming to group if we can just leave whenever we want. There were plenty of times I was there that I would have much rather been napping. I stayed though. I needed to get better.

So obviously Danke Shoen did not have many fans other than her roommate

One night we were all in line for evening meds. I had figured out to NOT get in the same line with Danke Shoen because I'd be standing there all night waiting for her to argue over her meds and beg for her CAAAANDY.

I noticed she was at the front of the line....arguing when a LARGE black man behind her yelled HURRRRY UP AND STOP ARGUING THERE ARE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU!" She turned around and told him that she had PTSD and he can't yell behind her ......he should be glad she didn't reflexively turn around and beat him up.

I giggled to myself as the orderlies separated them. I imagined her with her TWO knees braces trying to kick this large YOUNG black man's ass.

Later that night Danke Shoen pulled back her blankets to tuck herself into bed. When she pulled her blankets back there was a prize for her. Someone had shit right in the middle of her bed. Under her blankets of course in the hopes of her getting in her bed, not noticing the pile and squishing her feet in it. Danke Shoen saw it before she got in though.

She went to the desk and told them what had happened. The staff showed how much THEY were annoyed by her by NOT getting anyone to clean it up until 2 AM......you would think they would have done it quickly to get her away from the desk but they made her stay up until someone from housekeeping could come.

I hope you enjoyed my story of poo.

Danke Shoen.

Trish Caldwell, HIPPA Officer and Maxi-Pad Police.

If you hadn't already realized it from reading the title of this entry THIS ONE will be A LOT of TMI.

Read at your discretion.

OH and by the way if you haven't read my last several entries PLEASE refer to the link list entitled "Psych Hospital" on the right.. Things will make more sense that way.

Once I took the Ativan I began to calm about 30 minutes later. I took a nap and was woken at 10 am and told to go to group. I go where they tell me and we sit. No one is there to lead group. We all sit looking blankly at each other. One lady was pretty much catatonic and they set a breakfast tray in front of her. Then walked away.

Not the catatonic lady but a good representation.


The woman just sat there...not eating and no one was feeding her. After about 10 minutes another patient went up to her and tried to feed her. A few moments later a tech came in and yelled at her for doing that and said DON'T FEED HER she's a choking hazard. I immediately wondered why they gave her a breakfast tray then?

I finally went to the desk and asked who was leading group. I was told "Audrey" was. A few moments later Audrey came in. One of the other patients asked her if she was doing group. She said she was not sure but that if she was supposed to be she couldn't because she had a family waiting for her. Then she just walked out leaving the ten psych patients to sit there and wonder what to do. I went to the desk and asked who was leading the group and they didnt seem to know either. I said well if there is no one to lead group I'm going to take a nap. I was told not to do that....someone would be in to lead group. No one ever came until the last five minutes. An orderly came in and basically said to make sure all kept taking our meds even if we felt better.....

blink

blink

Is this what I just went through hell for?

I want my money back.

Anyway, group after that was much better but that particular therapist did it again later in the week except this time she was 20 minutes late, had no topic to go over and wanted us to come up with something to talk about.

blink

blink

#didntrealizeiwasgonnadoherjobforher

#doessheknowmyoldshrink?

That evening I realized I was getting close to CD1. For those confused CD1 is commonly referred to in the infertility world as the first day of your period.

OH GRAND!

I debated about this entry too but when I thought about it rationally I said "Trish you are a 34 year old grown woman.......everyone knows you have a period....get over yourself.

So I did.

Anyway.

I realize I'm going to have to ask the assholes for maxi-pads......


While disturbing I thought this appropriate. A dancing maxi pad. Yes Virginia, you can find ANYTHING on the internet.


ugh.

I get up that morning and actually felt chipper. I put makeup on and did my hair for the first time in a long time. I went to the desk and said to the nurse "I need to speak to a female staff member privately please". She gives me a strange look and says okay. She says to go to my room and wait. #suddenlyifeel10

The bitch comes to my room pulls the door WIDE open and says "What do you need?" In the meantime people are walking by the room door, male staff and patients alike. So I tell her I want to talk to her in private and to please close the door.

She tells me no.

blink

blink

I asked why and she said it was against policy.

I told her I understood why male staff could not close a door with a female patient (as I found out the night before when a male nurse took me into the game room with other patients walking about to go over my entire history and physical I said I want a room with a door and he refused citing "THE POLICY.") but I DID NOT UNDERSTAND why she wouldnt close the door as we were both females.

She reiterated the policy. I told her I was appalled at how BLANTANTLY she was disregarding my right to privacy. She was breaking every HIPPA law there is and THEN some. I went on to say that EVERYONE there had broken confidentiality rules and I did really wonder HOW they got away with it.

With that she said the only OTHER option was to get another female nurse to come in WITH her. I said "That's fine, let's do that." She gives me a SHITTY, smart ass grin and in a CONDESCENDING tone says "Sure I'll get someone for you RIGHT NOW." Then she walked out.

I BECAME LIVID.

I again was shaking and anxious. I couldn't believe how blatantly rude this woman had been to me ALL BECAUSE I simply needed her to get me FREAKING MAXI-PADS and it was the ONLY way I could get them. Believe me if I would have handled it myself I sure as hell wouldn't have bothered that bitch.

After pacing in my room and thinking about it a few more minutes I decided I would go down to the desk. I didn't have a plan of what I was going to do or say. I just knew I had to say something and also REALIZED the good part of being a mental patient in that moment. If I went down there and screamed at her for being the huge bitch she was, they'd just dismiss it because I AM CRAZY YOU KNOW!? I might even get a nice nap from some chemical sedation and a padded room.

WINNING!


When I approached the desk the bitch was standing with her back to me bitching to her co-worker that SHE WAS NOT going in a room alone with me and I just wouldn't listen.

I stood quietly until she turned around and I just shook my head at her and said "I heard everything you JUST said (I hadn't heard everything but I sure wanted her to think I had). You should be ashamed of yourself." Then I asked who the supervisor was. One of the techs said she would be in and he would let her know I need to speak to her in private.

I went back to my room...fuming mad. I paced again and then "Carlton" came in and said the supervisor was ready to talk to me.



I asked if she was going to talk to me in private or not. He said she would.

I got to the desk and she asked if I was Patricia. I said yes and she said follow me and took me into the same room right across from the nurses station WITH NO DOOR.

I stood outside the door, shook my head and then rolled my eyes.

Then I said "What part of PRIVATE do you people not understand.....THIS (and I outlined the missing door frame) room with NO DOOR is the OPPOSITE OF PRIVATE!" (I was really working on that padded room/chemical sedation combo).

Doesn't it look COMFY? lol



She came out of the room and said well we just don't go in a room alone with a patient Ma'am.

sigh


Then she went back to the nurses station while I bitched about how none of them knew what HIPPA was and that I'm shocked no one has ever reported them. A new bitch, (we'll call her Big Flower Head or BFH for short) decides to put her two cents in. Without even looking up from her paper work she says "We just don't go into rooms alone with patients, it's our policy." I said well your policy is against the law. Then she continued to explain...while NOT looking at me and continuing to write, that things have happened in the past and they have to keep staff safe.

At this point I understood her urgent need to keep staff safe because I wanted to jump over the desk and smack her hard enough to make the big flower fly out of her hair.

Okay it wasn't THIS big but it was close.


I told them they all needed training on how to treat patients, then suggested that they should all be on the other side of the desk so they would learn how to treat people. BFH then said "you shouldn't worry about other patients here, you need to worry about you and your recovery."

WHAT?

HUH?

That doesn't even make sense as a reply to what I had just said.

So I said well if you were listening I said YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO TREAT PATIENTS, I didnt say I was worried about anyone else.

I finally looked at the other nurse and said "FINE, I guess we'll go in the stupid room with no door and I will whisper my private business to you......you know like we are all in kindergarten."

I walked into the room, shaking and annoyed, looked at the nurse and said "I should be getting my period any second now and I need some damn maxi-pads."

Her entire demeanor softened and she apologized for everyone acting like they were. I honestly had felt like I was back in high school and they were a bunch of mean girls.

She said she would have one of the techs get them for me.

A few minutes later while standing at the desk in line for meds the idiot tech openly handed them to me in front of about 10 people. The next day another tech did it in the hall (you only get two at a time so I had to ask multiple times....SERIOUSLY.)

I wrote the incidents on a patient advocate form and I'm hopeful they do something about the lack of ANY PRIVACY in that place at all.

And YES I realize that I went through all that hell to keep my period quiet....then I blogged it.....so sue me.

So that's my story on how I became a Hippa Officer and yes THE MAXI PAD POLICE.

Turning Tables.

I'm so happy I can't breathe.

Does that make sense what I'm saying?

Today I realized that while I feel better overall, all those things that drove me to where I was are still there. Still in my mind, my heart and my soul. Sometimes I feel the hurt from that creeping in and I've been good about pushing it down and distracting myself. Today was harder for whatever reason, and that's okay. I've learned you can't run from anything. Not from life, not from your feelings and not from love. Those things will ALWAYS be there whether you want them to be or not. Love is NOT ONLY a feeling but a choice you make. It is an emotion and some have it, some don't.



I can't run from the love I have for Makily, it's there in fact deeper than any other feeling I have ever had but that is what makes it frightening because when she is gone....then what? What do I do? I don't know how to be anything anymore except to be Makily and Jakob's mommy.

Example of LUST and NOT love. LMAO!



Anyway.......
I've been printing pics of the kids and Allen and I. I'm working on framing them and putting them up.

I got the CUTEST squeaky shoes for Makily off ebay this week. I want a pair for myself they are so cute...lol. I just ordered her some bows too.


She got the darker pink pair.



If you noticed from last night pictures Allen cut Makily's hair while Mommy was in the nut house. So when Mommy got home she was shocked that baby girl's hair was substantially shorter and rather unevenly cut. She has layers people. He put it in a high pony tail and then snipped ABOVE the rubber band.....sigh.

She's gorgeous no matter what though.


My friend Debra called me today and asked me to collaborate in writing a book. I was honored when she asked and almost immediately said YES before she had the question out.

Debra and her boys Wesley and Memphis.


Allen and others have totally been encouraging me for YEARS to write a book and so I'm actually excited about having someone to do it with. It sounds like such daunting task so when you have help and someone with some experience it makes it more attainable I guess. The book is going to tell "the good the bad and the ugly" of special needs parenting. I will leave it at that. But as we put that together I will update everyone.

Makily's 48 hour EEG is on Monday morning. I am taking Makily up Sunday and will be staying overnight in Kissimmee in a hotel. This way I don't have a far drive in the morning and we can have a mommy/daughter trip. I'm actually REALLY excited about having this time with her alone even if it's for an EEG. sigh. I'm also excited about VLOG'ing the trip. I've never done that before and this trip in particular is a good one to start with seeings as we aren't in an emergent or life threatening situation.

Makily with post EEG/Sleep Study Hair.


I'm going to start an entry about more on my experiences at the nut house tonight.

The kids go back to school tomorrow so it will be nice to start to get into a routine again. I am going to try to start jogging again in the morning. I always feel better when I do that.

I just realized I should have taken my afternoon meds three hours ago. Whoops. I got up and took it but I think that's why I'm having trouble sleeping?

I realize today that my head is all over the place. My life has changed so much in the past three months and sometimes I feel like my head is spinning trying to keep up.

On another note both the kids have been incredibly sweet since I came home. Jakob still has his moments but I can't complain for the most part.

The Nurses Station and Cutting Strings.

If you have not read the last couple entries:
Read this first
Read this second
Read this last
Things will make more sense that way.


The secretary picked up my bag and we walked out of the room and into "The Unit". It was about 4pm at this point (Allen and I had left the house around noon). The secretary gave all my things to the front desk clerk and said we still needed to "check them in". Thankfully she let me keep my blanket.....that zebra blanket.

She had me sit right across from the nurses station. I didn't know this then but NOW I realize this too was probably a dumb place to sit me.




The patients tend to gather around the nurses station for various reasons. They want someone to watch them shave, they want their meds....early...or double the dose they are prescribed. They need someone to listen to them rant and rave about not wanting to take their antidepressants for fear the FBI will begin tracking them (true story.). They want laundry soap, to use the phone or snacks. Or some of them are having panic attacks and are anxiously awaiting their med while the nurse says "I'll get it when I finish this." "This" being a piece of paper work. True Story.

I listened to all of this ranting and needing with wide eyes and a nervous stare. I watched as an elderly lady in a hospital gown paced all the halls, in numerical order without stopping or slowing down at all. She had graying/blonde hair that was in a long braid down her back. A tech assigned to follow her could hardly keep up.

I got some nerve up after sitting there for a while and asked when I would be able to get into my room. A nice lady said she wasn't sure but that she needed to see me to go through all my stuff. She took me to a small conference room with no door across from the chaos at the nurses station. She meticulously went through all my things. Every now and then stopping and explaining why she had to hold on to this or that item. I couldn't have my hair dryer.....the cord, I had a small lip gloss that looked like the container may be glass....might cut myself. She got to a pair of my pants with a drawstring and asked "Do you want me to just pull these out and save them or can I just cut them out?" "Cut them I guess." I replied. I watched as she went through all my clothes and cut out the drawstring OR the strings attached to your clothes to hang them. She asked me what kind of shoes I had on. I said they are slide ons. She said "Good because we take shoe strings too, then we just replace them with a couple zip ties."



This was true and by the end of the week they had run out of zip ties (you got four total), and so people were walking around with the tongue of their shoes flapping in the wind. If it wasn't so sad it would be funny.

Then she took me to a room and asked me to remove my shorts. I did and then she had me turn around, then shake my panties so she could make sure I wasn't hiding anything. I immediately felt about five years old and humiliated. The woman was great about it but I still just wanted to crawl under the carpet. She had me remove my shirt and shake my bra in the same manner.

She took my blood pressure it was 150/90. She asked if that was normal for me. No I said. She shook her head understandingly and then asked me to go back and wait until they called me for my room.

I sat back down and watched much of the same chaos from before. I was scared to death someone was going to talk to me. One of the crazies you know?



I sat for another half hour or so and went up to the desk to ask again when could I get in my room. The nurse said it would be after dinner, by now it was about 5pm. The nurse asked me in front of all the other patients standing around if I had ever been "in a place like this before." I said no and he said that the first time in a place like that could be scary......and bla bla bla...... While he was talking I locked eyes with a young man there. I said to myself surely that can't be?! Then I was brought back to the awkward conversation with the nurse. He was continuing to explain how scary it could be for me when I finally cut him off and said. "Ya know what is even more awkward about this moment, the fact that we are having this conversation in front of everyone here." Several patients laughed and then I looked over again to be sure of who I thought I had recognized. At that same moment he looked at me and I knew it was him and he gave me a knowing look that said he realized who I was too. It was an OLD friend from school that I had not seen in years. Initially I thought he worked there but he was a patient. I was baffled. He asked why I was there and I just said Makily and he hugged me. He knew without me saying a another word.

He left that day just an hour or so later and I do hope that he is doing well now.

Once he left I decided I would venture into the "day room" where other patients were sitting watching TV. I sat there for a few moments when a man asked me why I had my blanket. I told him I didn't have a room yet. He told me I reminded him of Linus.



Some people laughed....I did too, I actually agreed. At this point I was so attached to the damn blanket though they could have called me anything. I wasn't putting it down....not yet. Then he asked me in front of everyone why I was there. I was taken aback for a moment when I realized I had not yet decided what I was going to say to that question. I thought about it and then said

"I was going to blow my head off."

Total Silence.

Then he asks what I was going to do that with, and I said "why with a gun of course." He told me he had too many felony convictions and wasn't allowed to own a gun. Then asked how I had avoided having any felony convictions.

blink

BLINK.

I said "Well I've just never committed a crime?"

The whole room erupted with laughter.

more later.

Making Progress.

I've had TWO amazing days....TWO DAYS...IN A ROW.

I haven't felt THIS good in YEARS......it's amazing how low I had gotten. I forgot what it felt like to be happy.

I had stopped doing my hair, wearing makeup. I looked like shit all the time. I'd go out with my hair up in a ponytail..a messy one and throw on a t shirt and jeans. The last two days I have WANTED to "get ready". I have discovered I don't even really have to blow dry my hair anymore. I realized this because they took my blow dryer upon admission citing I may try to hang myself with it.

blink

blink

Any way I just scrunch it and leave it wet and within an hour it's dry and looks good. I'm rambling about my hair..........ugh.

One odd side effect of the meds I have found is I can't remember ANYTHING. Ugh. My short term memory is G.O.N.E. I honestly can be mid-sentence and say "I'm sorry what the hell was I just talking about?" It's embarrassing and makes me look crazy....sigh...I guess I shouldn't care what it makes me look like though right. Screw anyone that thinks any less of me. Kiss my ass.

In forcing myself to just be ME and not worry about what everyone is thinking I feel kinda free. I do my makeup and have gotten TONS of help and tips from my friend Trish (she does freelance makeup and awesome work. She has done my face for Halloween, New Years and other special occasions and I always get compliments.) Again I'm rambling.....about makeup. Anyway I do my hair and get ready to go these days and OH does it make a big difference. When I get uncomfortable or start to worry about if I look fat in something or if someone will like me or not....I just say IT DOESN'T MATTER in my head and then I just don't care. That's nice.

I am doing so well and feeling so great I'm finding myself worried that this is just a high from starting the new dose and new med and that I will take a nose dive into the dumps once my body adjusts completely to the medication. Again....I've caught myself worrying about a "thing" I can't control. See, let it go....pick it back up again. It's a constant battle in my head.

I went to Joann's today for the first time in like two weeks. I wanted to dance a jig of glee looking at all the fabric AND seeing that it's on sale. Seriously though I was in fabric heaven. Anyway I got some really cute fabric to make bibs with. I have an order I need to fill soon, so I got some new really nice fabrics. Then I finally got up the nerve to get a pattern to make a dress for Makily (I'm a rebel, yes I know). I picked out the fabric and the ribbon and stuff for it. We'll see how it turns out.

I go to the shrink on Thursday. I'm hopeful I like this lady.

Jakob's little personality is shining through so much these days. He cracks us all up. Sometimes I find myself struggling to punish him because the weird little things he does are so stinking funny I can't help but laugh.

Allen and I were just hanging out watching TV in the garage and I looked at him and said "Hey, you know what's freaking weird......I was just in a mental hospital for a week.....that's just...well crazy!

Makily has her 48 hour EEG starting next Monday morning til Wednesday morning at Arnold Palmer Children's in Orlando. If they get what they need beforehand we may be able to leave sooner than Wednesday. I don't look forward to the two days in the hospital trying to keep Makily from pulling all those electrodes off her head. I am going to take my laptop and my camera and will VLOG/BLOG this stay. Allen is taking the first half of next week off work to keep Jakob and is just going to work the second half of the week. Having him home the last week and a half has been just AMAZING. I didn't realize how hard it was to do it all by myself until I had Allen her this much and this long.

Today we went to the park with some friends and their kids and flew kites. Jakob ran around and was thrilled. He loved the kites.

Here are some pics from the day.

Jakob, this was one of the only pics I could get of him because he couldn't be still for very long.



Aubrey, Makily and Cameron.



One of my new favorites of me and My Kily.


This was my attempt to get a photo of me and both kids. FAIL.



Aubrey, Makily and Cameron



Me and Makily.

Paranoid Schizophrenia.

The guy that called me out on why I was in the nut house on my first day was a paranoid schizophrenic. I knew it BY day two of being around him. At first I just would listen to him and the ENTIRE time think WOW this man is most definitely a lunatic.

MOST.

DEFINITELY.

He loved to talk about money and of course DRUGS. Marijuana, Cocaine, Methadone, Suboxone...you name it he talked about it. He boasted about what a dealer he was. So in honor of that I will call him Johnny. Why Johnny you ask.....because Johnny Depp played a DRUG LORD in Blow. lol He talked about how rich his family was but they were so greedy they wouldn't even send him $10 Grand to help him out. I just shook my head and said HOW AWFUL!

He told me that he was homeless and had been for 33 months. This upset me because the man ALSO had PTSD and was an Army Vet (there were so many vets there people.....so many...all of them with PTSD....made me sad). We really should take better care of our military people.

Johnny told me that the VA was giving him a hard time because they said he was not cooperating with the program. You see he was there to get changed from Methadone to Suboxone. It would be much cheaper this way and apparently the Suboxone has a lesser euphoric effect than Methadone.

Anyway.

He was taking THOSE meds just fine.

He didn't want to take his anti-depressants and kept refusing them. So he was being a non compliant patient. He told me if he took his Effexor the FBI would start tracking him.

He can't have that happen because he IS a huge drug lord you know...

He told me about this one day when he was down in Miami Beach years ago. He found a washed up BALE of marijuana on the coast. Said it was STILL dry and he drove for four hours to get home to show his friends.

They all had goofy grins on their faces for days after.

The night before I was to leave Johnny and I were sitting outside the therapists office waiting our turn to go in and beg to go home. Say how great we felt and that all the visions are gone.

I asked him how he ended up there. He told me that he had been getting better as far as using was concerned and he was starting to make some money. No, not from a job. From selling drugs. I do believe he was selling cocaine and pot. He had 110 contacts in his phone...you know people he sold to. He went to a bar, got drunk and someone stole his phone right out of his hand after he had passed out. FOILED AGAIN BATMAN! He was infuriated someone took his phone with all those contacts. He got a phone a month later and had built back up 88 contacts. He was doing well again. He went out and had being drinking and doing drugs all day. He went to the bar, had some drinks and partied then began walking home. The next thing he remembered was waking up UNDER water and someone pulling him upwards and out.

He was enraged his phone was lost or stolen in the shuffle......you know the shuffle that saved his life?

sigh.

So he was down and out, no phone again and all his contacts LOST.

I learned quickly to just agree with him. Back him up...whatever....because it's just easier that way. I mean I don't think arguing with him would have bee productive AT ALL.

He got serious and asked me why I was in there. He obviously did not remember asking me on the first day. I told him I was going to shoot myself in the head. That or slit my wrists. He looked at me and said "REALLLLY....IS THAT TRUE?...ARE YOU KIDDING". I just shook my head and said YES it's true. Then he asked what would make me want to do that. I took a deep breath and said "I have a daughter....she's almost eight, she can't walk, talk or eat by mouth and she has seizures that could kill her...." He just said again "Nooooo....your kidding me right, that's not the truth.......reallly?" I said Yes, of course, I wouldn't make something like that up.

Then the conversation took an abrupt turn when he said

"How the heck are they letting YOU out tomorrow but they are keeping ME here another week........I have to go talk to someone about this......"

He got up and stormed away while I snorted to myself realizing that a Paranoid Schizophrenic just suggested that I am CRAZIER than he?

Maybe he was on to something.

How did I get here?

*note*
If you have not read the following two entries you should go back and read those first before reading this one.
READ THIS FIRST
READ THIS SECOND.

I guess I should explain or at least attempt to explain how my mind slipped into the place I am currently fighting my way out of.

I've been trying to find myself for a couple of years. Every time I say that I just cringe in how hokey it sounds but whatever.....it's true.

Makily started having seizures again last year.


It ROCKED me to my core. I knew at the time it was going to affect me but wow, I just cringe remember the feelings of getting that phone call from the school and hearing the teacher just blurt out "Trish come quick".

It was another slap of reality right there in my face. Nothing I could do to avoid it. Nothing I could say or change. It was what it was and if she was going to die, once again there was just nothing. I had to fight to get the settings adjusted on her apnea monitor while we were adjusting the meds. I was afraid she'd seize in the night and die. Emanuel Syndrome kids have been known to do so and it's always in the back of my mind. The meds lowered her heart rate and so the monitor went off constantly. The cardiologist did not want to sign off on lowering the setting but said it was fine to do so as long as Makily's heart rate was above 40. Why wouldn't she just write for it? I begged, I yelled and cried at this woman and she just didn't get it. And what could I do about it?

Nothing.

More Nothing.

I pushed that into the back of my mind while we dealt with adjusting her medication and as we watched her become sleepier and sleepier. Then she had another abnormal EEG. Lots of abnormal brain spikes. Her eyes do this weird thing when she is tired. She has no stamina. I look at her sometimes and have to fight sobbing because the reality of this gets more apparent the older she gets. I love this innocent, angelic being in a way that I think is unique and so intense sometimes it hurts. Okay it hurts most of the time. But I DON'T want the alternative. I don't ever want it and I pray for it at the same time. What will become of her when Allen and I are gone? I can't expect Jakob to spend his life caring for her. I can't fathom the thought of her in a home right now....or ever really. So I sit. I wonder what can I do about all this.......and the answer is always.....

Nothing.

And who's fault is all that emotional tornado? Who caused this? Who is the person to blame for my daughter's life being likely cut short and DEFINITELY made more difficult and painful than ANY child should ever know?

Me.

I have blamed and beat myself up for the past nearly eight years because of the fact I genetically passed this condition to Makily.

Logically and rationally I KNOW this is not the case and had I known I'm not sure what we would have done differently. The fact is though that I am fucking ANGRY as hell about what Makily won't have and the only place I've been able to project that anger was on myself. I didn't even realize I was doing it until the therapist caught me doing it and then told me to make it a point to catch myself when I had more negative thoughts about myself. I was baffled at how much and how often I do it.

That stems from a lot of different things I guess but I know the event I blogged about recently HERE is a contributing factor.

Then when Makily's button came out in the night a few weeks ago.....well that was the final straw. She was surely going to need it dilated as it had been out for a while since we had all been asleep. I just lost it. I looked at Allen and said I don't know what to do and then walked out to sob on my bed like a lunatic. I immediately envisioned the look of sheer pain and terror on her face when they dilated it the last time and I was so anxious I could barely stand myself. I did NOT want to have to do that to her again. And what could I do about it?

Nothing.

I am learning to let go of things I can't control. I know I will let go of those things and pick them back up over and over. It's who I am. I am working on this.

I am learning to not care what everyone else wants me to be or thinks I should be OR THAT I PERCEIVE they want me to be....and instead I'm just going to be me. This is very freeing and I refuse to ever go back to being that way again.

I am an awesome wife and mother. I'm a great daughter, sister and friend. I have my faults (see I'm doing it again, complimenting myself and then having to acknowledgement faults....why do I do this?). I am trying to learn to recognize that even though both my kids have special needs does NOT make me a failure as a mother. My life is just different than most and that's okay. If we all were alike this life would be incredibly boring.

I've struggled with my faith and in what I believe in. This has also brought me to my knees. I can't stand it.

Jakob is a really hyper kid and sometimes I'm just tired. We let him run in and out of the backyard and that seems to have helped along with his new trampoline.

The visions I was having began as flashes of all the horrible things I've had to sit by and watch Makily go through. I would see her laying near death on a vent, blue because she's not breathing due to a seizure, exhausted because her body is just not made to make her soar like she should.

I would be sad the rest of the day and want to just swallow the bottle of xanax. I wouldn't do it though, I couldn't stand the though of leaving my babies and Allen. It wouldn't be fair to them.

Then the flashes turned to suicidal ideations. It scared me. I realized I had never truly dealt with Makily's issues. I just kept trying to bury them and take them out on myself. In doing so I was constantly looking for ways to escape the pain of it all. I've done things I'm not thrilled about but you know what? That's okay. We all make mistakes I'm human just like everyone else and I won't hold myself to higher standards than I would anyone else.

Why do I do that?

Anxiety's A Bitch.

*If you have not read the last several entries please look to the right under the heading "Psych Hospital" and read those entries first.*

We went to dinner shortly after my conversation about why I was there with the other patients.

Everyone lined up in front of the door exiting the unit. We had to wait until a staff member gave the okay to go and unlocked the door. Another staff member walked us to the cafeteria. We walked in a line much like you do in elementary school. I could barely eat. I ate a few bites of a salad and immediately wanted to be back in the unit if you can believe that. I was uncomfortable and even more nervous that a REAL CRAZY person would talk to me and that I wouldn't know how to respond.

When we returned to the unit it was about six pm. They finally had my room ready. When I walked in the room I became very uneasy.

Everything was molded plastic and bolted to the floor or the wall or both. There was no mirror in the bedroom, only in the bathroom and it was bolted to the floor. The shower curtain was VELCROED in place. I know this because when I took my first shower there I ripped it off on accident. When I realized it was velcroed I laughed out loud.

When they admitted me the intake lady said the doctor had written orders to add one antidepressant and increase the one I was already on. He did NOT write for ANYTHING FOR ANXIETY. My diagnosis was "Severe Depression and Anxiety", they knew I was taking xanax every day and I actually had a whole anxiety "routine" every night that I won't detail here but I told them everything.

So when I realized I had nothing written and it was past 7 pm at this point, I started to get panicky. I went into my room and paced. Then I laid on the bed....YES with my zebra blanket and sobbed....and sobbed....and then sobbed some more. I remember saying over and over "This isn't happening, I can't believe I am here.." This went on for about 20 minutes before I realized it was only going to get worse as the night wore on and SOMEONE needed to get me SOMETHING for anxiety and NOW.

I walked to the desk and asked a male nurse if I could get something for anxiety....I was GOING to tell him I didn't even think I had anything written but he cut me off and said "They are pouring meds now give it some time." and abruptly walked away.

sigh

I walked back to my room and did the same routine except this time I was hyperventilating also. Full blown panic attack. I didn't want anyone to see me doing this. I went to the bathroom and vomited. Then back in the room where I continued to lay in the bed, sobbing and hyperventilating. A staff member came in to check on me. They did that every 15 minutes around the clock if you were in your room. She asked if I was okay. I said no. She said I was smart to have gone in my room and away from the stimulation of the day room. Then she walked out.

sigh again.

I couldn't calm down. I was trying to but everything was hitting me at once. I can't see my kids again until these people think it's okay.


I can't leave if I want. I have ZERO control in this moment and will continue to have zero control until again...someone else thinks I'm capable of having control. Then I realized I wasn't in control of my own body at that moment and that just made the panic attack worse. I walked to the desk....huffing and trying to hold back the tears. I went to the same nurse and said "I need something for anxiety now!" He barely looked up from his paperwork and said "You need to remove yourself from the stimulation and go to your room for a while...you are just nervous." I told him I had been in my room having a panic attack for the last hour so obviously that didn't work. I also explained I didn't even think I had anything written for anxiety so he was going to have to call someone and get it written. With that he said "I'll get to it when I finish this." He was filling out a piece of paper work.

I. was. infuriated.

At least at home I had a whole routine that would alleviate the MASSIVE anxiety I was having but here I had to wait for the assholes to finish their paperwork.

So I said "That's just fine, FINE....you finish your petty piece of paperwork while I stand here having a panic attack at the desk......because that paperwork is more important in this moment."

I turned around and began walking to my room. Shaking and crying again, I was now more panicked because I had no idea when or even if I would get ANY relief that night. One of the techs had been standing by watching this go on. We will call him "Carlton". He had a very thick African accent and I could barely understand him. He called for me and said "COME BACK, HE WILL GET IT NOW." I walked back and I heard Carlton say "She is crying come on get her meds now." The nurse got up and immediately got an order from the nurse practitioner that happened to be right there (luckily). Then I paced in front of the desk.....like all the other crazies waiting for my medication.

I realized in that moment I had turned into one of "them".

While I may have not been as severe I was THE PERSON I had judged just hours ago for doing the same. This was a telling moment for me as I felt a lot of judgement IMMEDIATELY disappear from my mind. I would no longer judge ANYONE in that place just at first glance OR because they were pacing or "acting crazy". I got it. I get it. I will never forget it either.

The nurse brought me an Ativan. I took it, embarrassed that my hands were shaking holding onto the cup....and it was so obvious.

The ativan kicked in about 20 minutes later and I actually fell asleep. I could physically feel the anxiety letting up as I drifted off.

It's still a bizarre feeling to me.

Me and my Zebra Blanket.

If you missed my last entry this one won't make sense, go back and read that one HERE

Once I got inside the Nut House I was taken to a room with a lady who was pretty nice. She went through every aspect of my life. I told her EVERYTHING. Some things only Allen knows. It was hard to detail my life to a stranger but I knew I had to spill it, get it out of me. I also knew if they didn't know EVERYTHING they couldn't help me.

Once we were finished I was crying again and she explained that I WOULD be admitted she just had to call the doctor to get orders. She allowed my sister and Allen to come back in and sit with me while she did so.

When the lady came back she dropped a bomb.

They had NO beds.

*blink*

*blink*

I said "The whole reason I agreed to be Baker Acted was because YOU SAID that was the only bed you had..and it was the only way to avoid going to the other place.. now you say there are no beds..what do I do now...this is ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

She said she had been told that by another person working the floor. She said there were two people being discharged BUT it would be a while before I got into a room.

I said some other choice words. I felt trapped and was even more anxious now than I was originally.

Allen and my sister were politely told they should leave now and the woman told me if I wanted I could lay on the floor and sleep while I waited.

I told her she was killing me. Sure I guess I'll lay in the floor.

So I did. I wrapped myself up in my zebra blanket that they THANKFULLY let me bring in AND keep. I laid on the floor, turned off the light, closed the door and sobbed into my blanket as the realization of where I was and how low I had gotten sunk in. I kept saying "I can't believe this is happening." over and over.

It was surreal.

A few minutes later the secretary opened the door and said I had to have either the lights ON or the door OPEN. She had to be able to "watch" me. I told her to just leave the light off and open the door (after arguing with her). I had not slept well in days and so I desperately tried to fall asleep. This was amidst stifled sobs into my blanket....I was trying to cry quietly now since the door was open.

sigh

A bit later I begin hearing a young male's voicing YELLING and screaming. His voice was getting closer and closer and I was becoming more and more anxious. He was screaming about the fact they were discharging him and saying every cuss word in the book and some I have never heard before. He eventually ended up walking past my door into the room RIGHT next to mine with a nurse following quickly behind him. I had sat up and curled up in a ball in the corner and put my fingers in my ears. I was SCARED TO DEATH the guy was going to come into the room I was in. I was cursing myself for picking THE DOOR OPEN instead of the light on.

When he got into the room next door he began throwing chairs against the wall and screaming. I am terrified I don't know how psychotic this guy is...I mean I WAS in a nut house and I was so afraid he would going to beat the crap out of the nurse, the secretary and eventually me. The nurse ran to the secretary's desk, told her to call some male orderlies and went back to the room to try to calm the guy down.

It wasn't working.

The secretary then came to my door, flipped the light on and was trying to close my door (she had it propped open so she struggled with it). I looked at her and said "Is this supposed to be helping me....because believe me...it aint helping...." She apologized and walked back out. Just then I saw two male orderlies walk by my door and just like that the guy clammed up. I didn't hear another peep out of him. He was fine yelling and screaming and throwing things when it was just a therapist, secretary, female nurse and crazy girl hiding in a corner in her zebra blanket. When there were men there, he had nothing to say.

I was relieved.

A few minutes later the secretary came back and got my stuff and said we were going to the floor now. She didn't want me sitting where I was and witnessing what was happening. I thanked her.

Little did I know that this was JUST the tip of the iceberg of strange and scary things to come.

More tomorrow.

Don't Worry Be Happy.

I've had several people express their worries about me. Wanting to make sure I have follow up appts. Do I have help? What do I need?

Well first off YES I have follow up. I was not permitted to leave without an appt with a therapist. I go see her for the first time this Wednesday. I am hoping she is NOT like the lunatic I went to previously. Someone close to me goes to see another doctor in the same office and SWEARS by them so I'm hoping that I have good luck with this lady. If for whatever reason we don't click one of my therapists in the hospital printed out TONS of resources and shrinks so I have options.

I am taking my meds religiously. I have always been pretty good about it but there were times I'd forget or take it late in the day when I usually take it when I first wake up. I was sent home with four meds. Ambien (sleeping pill), Trazodone (sleeping pill/anti-anxiety), Abilify and Effexor XR. I have been on the Effexor EIGHT years BUT I was only taking 150mg. The psychiatrist was shocked about that and said I needed to be on AT LEAST 225MG since I had been on it so long and stated it should have been upped that high LONG ago. I was getting it from my general practitioner so I can't really blame her. She's not shrink, it isn't really her field. I have a large morning dose and then a smaller afternoon one. I also have Xanax as needed. I haven't had to take the Traz0done except once since I got home and I have taken the xanax twice. Haven't had Ambien since Friday.



My meds with a few of my over the counters thrown in there. I feel like a geriatric patient. Fo Realz.

Allen took all last week off work (used his vacation time), and is taking this week off also. He got paid for last week but won't for this week. Since Closetmaid changed over to Penske he went from having a month of vacation time a year to just a week. That Blows. We will make it work though just like we always do. He also cleaned the house out of a lot of things we were needing to get rid of, rearranged some stuff and just made things easier for me when I came home. He has been doing most of the care for the kids and I chip in here and there. I tell him if I am getting too stressed about something and he jumps right on it. What I did to get so lucky with him I really don't know but I am grateful.

I have already seen changes in the way I think and when I catch myself being negative I either distract myself with something else OR I repeat the opposite POSITIVE THOUGHT over and over in my head....sometimes out loud. Yes I do talk to myself....more than I did before ;-).

What I need? I need the support I get here from my blog and my facebook. I need to teach as many people how to take care of Makily as possible. Meaning her meds, g tube feeds, how to work her pump and how to give her emergency medication if she has a seizure. No one in our life knows how to do these things SPECIFICALLY for Makily EXCEPT Allen and I and the pressure weighs on me heavily.

I also need to get respite desperately. I do think I can get up to four or six hours a day but it's been a while since I checked. I don't want to do it but I KNOW I NEED TO DO IT. Letting someone else take care of her makes me insane but NOT letting anyone help obviously made me insane too. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I'm trying to change how I do things. I'm rather stubborn and hard headed though so this is difficult but I can do it.

Yesterday my back was achy so I got in the hot tub. Jakob saw me in there and insisted on getting in too. Then Allen got Makily up and gave her to me and she had a big time. At one point I was hugging her and SHE put her arm AROUND ME and hugged me back. There are a handful of times in her life she has done this and I just sat there while she hugged me basking in the perfection of her. The joy and love that she is. Jakob got jealous (a new thing when it comes to me, usually it's only with Daddy) and was jumping all over me and so there were moments I was holding/hugging them both at the same time and just crying.

I am so blessed.

"Dont Worry Be Happy" by Darth Vader. LMAO!

The worst shrink ever.

Okay so maybe not EVER but she's pretty awful.

I will not put her name here. I'm feeling generous....or maybe it's just pity for this woman who seems to be so horrible at her job and have no idea.

I had to psych (pun intended) myself up to even go to the shrink. I had gone once when Makily was just six months old. That therapist didn't help at all. When I told her about Makily her response was that I should be happy I could have more kids....which TECHNICALLY I probably could have but THERE WAS NO WAY I was risking pregnancy again. When I explained that to her she just looked dumbfounded.

sigh.

So after that experience I didn't really see the point in going again. I have had a lot of struggles as of late. I'm not coping like I once used to be able to so after lots of encouragement I looked up the shrinks on my insurance plans, picked a female and made the appointment.

On my way there I was nervous. I didn't really WANT to go but I am to the point I realize I do need professional help, so I went in the hopes that I would get something out of it.

I walked in the door and was greeted by the smell of cigarette smoke. I was annoyed but tried to convince myself that it may have just been the candle they had burning.

There was a family of five there. Mom, Dad and three Tween/Teen age boys. One of the boys was pacing, drinking a PEPSI and looking nervous. The shrink walked out from the back with one of the other boys and a letter . I heard her explaining to the mother that she had a "form letter" she had tweaked for the boy and he needed to go home and write it in his own handwriting. Apparently two of the boys had done something and the one was court ordered to write a letter of apology to the "victim".

How do I know that?

It was all said in front of me in the lobby. I kept thinking "wow they are breaking every HIPPA law in the book", but no one else seemed shocked so I just pretended to read my magazine. The "pacing boy" then went to the bathroom again to attempt to give a urine sample for a drug test HE was court ordered to take. That along with anger management and drug and alcohol abuse counseling. After three attempts to "go" he came out with a sample. Then the boy sat down next to his father and the shrink handed him a Certificate of Completion for Drug and Alcohol Counseling.

A few minutes later the boy walked to the back....then came back looking nervous and said "It's positive.....can I take another test, I don't know why it's positive." My first thought was " Yeah you know why it's positive you just smoked a fatty with your buddies last night...." lol.




Then I'm thinking it's about to get crazy up in this place because mom and dad and shrink are going to GO OFF. I'm actually excited about the fact that I am being entertained by all this and can't wait to watch the fireworks go off.

There were no fireworks to be had though.

In response to his son telling him he just pissed hot on a drug test, the father simply looked up from his book and asked the shrink what they should do.

Mom didn't react at all.

The shrink then says "Well it's his first test with me so don't worry about it." I'm thinking WAIT A MINUTE didn't she JUST give him a certificate of completion about drug and alcohol counseling.....and HE JUST PISSED HOT? Then the boy says "Well so and so wants me to take a test next week." The shrink then replied that the boy should tell THAT person that SHE would be testing him the following week, no need for her to do it, this would give him more time.

If he had court ordered drug testing and alcohol and drug counseling why on earth did they not test him HIS FIRST day there and then again his last day when he completed the counseling?

What do I know though?

They finally finish and I was called back for my appointment 30 minutes late because the shrink was dealing with that family.

I get into her office and it looked professional enough I guess....except one thing. The back door to her office was WIDE OPEN with one of those hanging screen thingies. You know MAGIC MESH.



I wasn't exactly impressed with the Magic Mesh door as any Tom, Dick or Harry could walk by and listen in. I wasn't very professional obviously.

I sat down and the first words out of her mouth were "Do you smoke". I said no and then she asked me how old I was. She complimented me by saying I look younger than my age. At this point I am realizing that she asked me if I smoked because SHE DOES and often, in her office which is why she has that stupid screen and why the place REEKED. Furthermore I believe had I said that I DO SMOKE she would have allowed ME to and she would have also. Nice.

Then she said "So what's up with you?"

I told her I wanted to learn new ways of coping with certain difficult parts of my life.

I told her briefly about Makily and her syndrome, then I told her about Jakob and as soon as I told her we fostered to adopt him THINGS WENT SOUTH!

She asked me about his biological parents and I told her their names to which she said SHE KNEW Jakob's bio mom. I told her I didn't think that was possible as they don't live here and she insisted it was his mom. After disputing this a few times I gave up and just let her convince herself that she was right. Then she went on and on about these people that ARE NOT Jakob's bios. I just sat nodding and smiling.

She told me she was adopted as an infant. That she was not told about it until she was seven and she felt incredibly betrayed. Then she asked me if we got money for Jakob. I was confused and said what do you mean. She said well since you adopted him don't you get money. I am adopting my grand daughter. Her father is a dirty Mexican and he is in jail and my daughter used cocaine a couple of times when she was pregnant.

*blink*

I told her that Jakob gets a monthly stipend because we adopted him through foster care and he is considered a special needs child. That I didn't think with family adoptions you got anything like that. She said "Well that sucks, darnit I thought I was gonna get some money for it."

*BLINK*

I start to wonder if I am being punked at this point.

Then she asks me how many children Jakob's bio mom had, when I told her SHE SAID:

"Don't you ever wonder why they don't JUST have abortions?"

*blink*

I said "No I just wonder why they don't get their tubes tied?"

I could not make this stuff up people.

She said that her parents would not tell her the names of her bio parents. She broke into the attic and into a safe and found the adoption papers but it only had her father's name on them.

She told me that when she was 15 she told her mother she was going to her friends house for the weekend. Instead she stole her mother's car and drove many states away where her adoption took place. She was pulled over for speeding at one point and when asked for her license she pretended to have left it at home. She gave her brother's birthday when asked and when the cop looked it up he told her that there was a glitch in the DMV'S system and to check on that when she got home and then sent her on her way.

She got to the agency that was helping her and they directed her to the hospital where the records from her birth would be. She broke into the medical records department and began going through the files trying to find hers when a police officer grabbed her by the back of her shirt. She ran, the police chasing her from the hospital and got away. It was very cold and snowing and she even had snow IN her shoes.

This story went on, and on, and on, and on and on.



During most of this conversation I was actually watching the clock and wondering how I could get out of there faster! She spent the majority of the session telling me all about her and her problems. It was very bizarre.

There was more dysfunction throughout this visit but this was the majority of it.

I am currently searching for a shrink.

sigh.

Me after the appt.

I Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

Many of my Facebook friends had been wondering where I went. I had several comments and messages today when I got home.

I debated on if I should share this part of my life with everyone. I went back and forth about it. One thing I learned in the last week though was that I have to AND WILL stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Ultimately the ONLY person I should be worried about is Allen and what HE thinks.

Everyone else can pound sand if they don't like me or something I do or have done...or will do.

Also I know that someone may happen upon this entry that is feeling how I was feeling and hopefully it will encourage them to get help.

Sunday my anxiety got to a point that I couldn't stop seeing visions of slitting my wrists and blowing my head off. The latter was so vivid that I would see myself put the gun to my head, pull the trigger and watch as my head jerked backwards from the bullet.

I woke up that morning with anxiety so bad that my chest PHYSICALLY hurt. It's been that way for a while but typically something needed to trigger it. Sunday morning I literally opened my eyes from sleeping and my chest was so heavy I immediately wanted to cry. The visions were worse and wouldn't go away.

At this point I told Allen I needed help.

He called The Vines and they said they only had ONE bed open and it was a Baker Act bed.

sigh.

The only other place in our area is known to be horrible and I refused to go there.

At this point I started screaming and crying that I wasn't going AT ALL. I didn't understand why it had to be so difficult and embarrassing. Why did we have to involve the police? I was so ashamed.

Eventually I agreed we would go to The Vines and Allen would go to the desk and just tell them his wife was in the car and was suicidal.

This was honestly one of the saddest and lowest moments of my life.

The secretary told Allen we would have to call the police and have me Baker Acted to get me in the door.

I personally think this is ridiculous but we had no other options so Allen called the police.

My sister Elizabeth sat with me while Allen made the call. I was on the verge of a panic attack the entire time. I was just beside myself.

The cop came and luckily he was really nice and made it as painless as he possibly could for me.

I was admitted about an hour later.

I was there for six days. I could have left on Tuesday as my 72 hour hold was up but decided to stay until the doctors though I was ready to go home.

I have story upon stories to share about my experience but those will be separate blog entries. Some of them are incredibly heart wrenching while others will leave you laughing hysterically.

For now I will say that I feel better than I have mentally IN YEARS. I had two wonderful therapists that were amazing with me. My Effexor dosage was increased and they added Abilify which seems to have worked wonders.

To those who called and Allen avoided you please understand that we had not discussed if we were going to tell anyone what was going on. In fact I was so embarrassed on Sunday he knew not to say a word. He was at a loss at what to say.