I've not written in a long time. It's my own damn fault. Let this be a warning to me- when I cease reflecting I cease existing.

There's so much to say yet I'm at a loss for words.

Perhaps it would be best if I kept it brief and let a few words fall from my fingers...

Firstly: I'm single. Zac and I are no longer. And that's been the case since April of last year. I guess I'm coming up on an official year. Surprisingly I am further along than I thought I'd be. I still miss him something awful and would gladly be with the Zac I used to know again. But so much has changed.

Secondly: I'm a teacher. It's official. And crazy. And difficult. And challenging and fun. I like it but I hate it. I enjoy the fun times- the lightbulb moments. The brains ticking. The inspiration. I appreciate the grind- the routine- the well-oiled machine. Teaching is and is not copacetic with horarios. It's nuanced. Deep. Annoying. Politically driven and perpetually behind the times. But it is...what it is. And I'm going to keep being me and doing the damn thing. Haha.

What else is new? That's my life. Trying to learn guitar. Trying to keep myself from drowning. Making mountains out of molehills. But you know how I do.

Trying to keep active and fit(ter).

Creo que escriberé más pronto.

I feel like I'm on the verge of something big. I cannot tell you why. It might have something to do with my willingness to change these days. Life is and adventure and I'm finally ready to dive in and work on changing.

I'm starting a step study group on wednesday. I've also made the decision to quit smoking come wednesday. I think I'm ready and I've begun to tell people. I will need the support of those around me. I know it won't be easy.

The step study won't be easy either, but I'm ready to make some serious concessions in life. I cannot go on living being so reserved and close-mouthed. This is all good stuff.

I also introduced myself to a guy at a meeting tonight. He seemed kinda out of place -- like he didn't know what was going on or what he was supposed to do. Anyway, we shot the shit for a while. Turns out it was his first meeting. I sat by him, let him know what to expect. Gave him my number and whatnot. The point of all this is for me to remind myself that I feel fucking awesome for being there for someone. For not constantly thinking about myself. It really does my heart good to reach out. I need to do it more often. It's kind of ironic, because as much as I care about people, being a painfully shy person kind of limits my ability to be there for someone else. But for some reason (read: my HP) I was able to introduce myself to someone. Weird.

Other than the preceding information, all that is going on with me is this:

School starts a week from tomorrow. I feel like the classes I'll be taking I will enjoy.

I'm still seeing my therapist lady. I'm still throwing up, but like once or twice a week. It's not a daily struggle, but my self-esteem is not where I'd like it to be.

I've been crushing on this new guy at work for a while now and so I might ask him out in the coming weeks if I can get up enough courage. He's not a flamer, which I like. He's cute. Other than that, I'll have to get to know him more to see where - if anywhere - this might lead. Either way it's exciting for me. I've been lonely.

Bought Thom Yorke's album. I love it. Been telling people about it. Let a friend borrow it. Can't wait to get it back.

Livin on my own is working out well so far. Doing what I need to do to stay sober and remain relatively serene. I've been given such a gift and I am very thankful for it. I never thought I would be where I am today.

Life is good.

I haven't written in a while. Mostly because I'd like to think I've been too busy but I know in my heart that isn't true. I'm just a lazy fuck. Here's all the news that's fit to print:

• Finally met my internet friend mike after twelve years!


• Moved out of my parents house (about time, I know)


• Got another job working at the health club I work at


• Starting to run and be a bit more active than I use to


• Am now a year and a half sober.

And I think that's all the groundbreaking news. Nothing really else on the horizon.
As per number one from the list: It was awkward and weird but at the end I no longer felt awkward and weird about meeting him or anything. I'm glad we got it out of the way and I'm grateful I didn't chicken out. It needed to be done and will hopefully be something I can lean on when avoiding life altogether out of fear. Maybe it will give me confidence when meeting other guys?

Number two: (no pun intended) Moved out the day after my twenty fifth birthday. (btw, I can't fucking believe I'm that old. Seriously. Not only did I think that I would never live to see the day I turned twenty five, but I don't feel old. I feel like I'm still an adolescent. Feel like I have so many lessons yet to learn.) Anyway, about the apartment: I like it. My friend who chooses to remain nameless is my roommate and we don't see much of each other, so for the time being, the arrangement is working out. Let's hope it stays that way. Other than that, living on my own is basically the same as living with my parents. My conclusion was reached as such for these reasons: I do the same things I did when I lived with them, I don't stay out late because I'm working. The only difference is I'm a tad lonely. And I know I don't have to be lonely, but had gotten really comfortable knowing there would always be someone home when I got off of work, even if they went to bed.

Numero tres: The health club has its advantages. I only make eight an hour, but I get a free membership and they feed me while I'm working. (And even sometimes when I'm not.) I don't mind it because I don't have to put up with the silly customers for very long since I'm not actually "waiting" on them. This is good. Plus, people like me there and that always makes me feel good. Only concern is they don't know I'm gay and I'm not sure I want to tell them. Probably won't for the time being.

FOUR: Okay, so as I sit and type this, I'm trying to talk myself out of running today. I ran 6 days in a row but haven't in 3. I will feel bad if I don't, I know, so I'll do my best to get that going. I think I shared in a previous post that I would like to have a six pack by the end of the year, and let me report that it would be no small miracle if I were to accomplish that: hence, the running. I should really step it up as far as eating healthier, but I need some structure as I'm not the most disciplined person.

Number 5: I really can't believe I've been sober this long. I mean, I got all hyped for the year, maybe secretly expected something grand to happen. But what I really have is the ability to change, the awareness that I am living a good life, and the chance to be helpful to others. THat is pretty darn good. I also got to chair my home group the other night. It wasn't planned but I surprised myself when I was asked to do so by responding, with only a slight hesitation, in the affirmative. It was almost as if someone answered for me (which might have been the case).

Well, got all the numbers covered, so I'm not sure what else to say. I got a really cool U of L Cardinal debit/credit card in the mail. And for some reason I think it's absolutely awesome. Plus, I got two presents from girls I work with for my birthday. People didn't buy me presents that weren't obligated to before. GUess this sobriety thing is really paying off. :P

Signing off:
Nate

So, schools out for the summer. Amazingly, my stress level has taken a nose-dive. Haven't fooled around with the eating disorder thing in almost a week. It's hard for me to deny the correlation between the two. Either way, I've got a fucking appointment with this eating disorder specialist lady and will be seeing her May 10th. Woohoo! I hate talking to people, especially about myself. It's like pulling teeth. Actually, having teeth pulled (at least with novocaine) isn't that bad. I'm almost prefer it from talking to someone. Problem is, I know the solution to most of my problems lays in speaking with and examining my shit in the presence of someone unbiased and knowledgeable. At least I recognize that.

All the hard work (or lack thereof) has paid off. Officially, I have received two "As" and barring any unforeseen circumstances should have another couple "As" to help the ol' GPA that took a beating after getting an "F" last semester. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy about it. I know I stressed myself out too much, but at least it worked to my benefit.

Other than that? I got time on my hand during the days now and sorely need to find another job. I would like for something to fall in my lap. I know that's not gonna happen, but I'll start putting in some applications and following up and we'll see. I can't feel good about myself if I'm just working the same amount of hours I was working while in school. Makes me feel like a lazy piece of shit. THat ain't good. Ideally, I'd like to work 20 hours or so during the day. Just a little something extra that will keep me occupied and will make me feel productive.

Also, I'm moving out soon (finally?!) Need to look some more, but there is a nice place in Ferncreek. I like the apartment a lot but am not too keen on the location. Who wants to live all the way out in Ferncreek when gas prices are nearly three dollars?

I think that's all I want to write about. For now. I will make a concerted effort to journal more in the coming months. I honestly forget I even have this blog at times.

SO I'm to the point where I know I need to get help. It's out of my control and I need to take care of this throwing up thing. I can go a day without it but haven't gone more than a couple days without. I lied to my mom tonight. Again, it's back to the lying and secrecy. This has the potential to get way outta control and I don't want to let it.

I'm fucking nuts.

Life is good. I've already gotten two A's this semester. Might get two more.

I'm sponsoring someone now. I'm moving out. Fuck. Shit is good and I gotta do this shit. I'm getting help soon. The ball is rolling. I'm glad about that.

I was driving by the cemetary today. On the access road were two trashcans full of flower arrangements that people had littered the graves of their loved ones with. I wondered whose job it was to decide when the flowers were to be removed. Is it a daily thing? Are the flowers simply removed when they die? And then I got to thinking - do some people actually take time out of their days to visit the deceased on a daily basis? Would I want someone to visit me daily or would I want these people to move on with their lives? Once a year would be okay, I guess. Then my mind wandered even further...someone is going to die in my life. Someone I care about will die. And how will I react? Could I handle it "with dignity and grace" or will I be consumed with grief? Then I got to wondering who is going to die. Will it be my grandmother? The woman I stole from. The woman who's been my saving grace. Full of love. Judgement free. Will the person that dies be a parent? Death, I know, is inevitable. Unavoidable. Inescapable. Final. I know this, yet I cannot get my head around it. I won't deny death, but death is not my reality. Not now.

To whom it may concern:

I'm tired of this. I feel less than. I want validation but I refuse to accept it. The more I try and be positive about my progress the more I feel like shit about my present situation, my self-image and my future. I don't want to do anything about it. I mean, I'm willing to try something different, but I feel like a broken-record. I want to help people but I feel like what I have to offer no one wants. I am disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror. I fucking hate this shit. I want to be out of school and in "a rewarding career." I'm tired of bitching to myself. I'm out.

I haven't blogged in a while. Maybe because it's getting old only writing when shit sucks. This will be a mix of good and bad, so that's not as bad, is it?

Surprisingly (sarcasm), I'm still not dealing well with the whole homo thing. I mean, I have outlandish expectations of myself. I've always had them. I feel like I've been dealing with this thing my whole life, when in reality I've only just begun. I've been avoiding it my whole life and that hasn't gotten me very far. I cannot really expect that since I'm sober now and trying to deal with life that it's going to be a painless, quick, little process. As Jake says "life sucks." Sometimes.

I deal with this fucking unrealistic expectations thing on a regular basis. At school yesterday I got a speech I delivered back and did not get the grade that I felt I deserved. The grade I expected to get. And what did that lead to: it fucking ruined my day. Literally. The whole day (at least until like 6) was ruined because of it. I can't live my life that way. It blows.

I know part of my angst lately has been due to the fact that I have let up on my step-work. I've been going to meetings still, and I'm not feeling in jeopardy of taking a drink, it's just that I'm not happy. So I took some action. I didn't go to my psychology class (the prof is SOO boring) and decided to devote the day to cleaning and to finishing my fourth step. Mission accomplished. I feel better already (seriously, it's weird).

I've also been mulling over seeing a psych again. The ebb and flow of my moods is nauseatingly roller-coaster-esque. It's not fun anymore. I can't afford to live an up and down life. It drives me crazy. Even though I'm so fucking cynical about therapy, I'm still mulling over the possibility that someone can give me some insight. My perspective is fucked right now about a lot of things.

I'm still throwing up. Didn't yesterday though. I cannot afford to continue doing that. I know it's a control thing. Something I have control over. But I know it's a fucked up thing and I know it's gonna cause me more harm than good. My self-image is shattered and I still don't believe people. I look in the mirror sometimes and look away in disgust. It's sad, I know.

But here are the positives: I am sober. I don't want to drink. I don't want to kill myself. I am in school. I'm doing well in school, for the most part. I've got a job I've been at for two years almost. I'm not as fearful as I use to be. I have family that love me. I have a niece and a nephew. I am taking care of myself as far as working out goes. I am going to move out in a few months. I have money in the bank. I'm healthy. I have the ability to help people today when I'm not thinking about myself constantly. I am concerned about people. I'm willing to love others. I'm better at not judging people than I use to be. I like myself more than I use to.

</rant>

I've needed to get this off my chest, perhaps after that it won't have much power over me anymore...?

Dorothy:

I don't know what your deal is. I've tried to care but it's hard. You don't talk. You're not really rude, but you seem to lack the most basic social skills. Yet you continue to eat at our restaurant day in and day out. It quite absurd. I know you have a car. You could go elsewhere. But yet it's always Bravo. And the funny thing is, you don't order inexpensive items. You've been known to rack up a forty or fifty dollar check just for yourself. And always 1.50 tip. What the fuck? I know it's not your money. You pay with a card. It's been declined three or more times. So logically you pay with cash. And the last two days you've left me 61 and 44 cents repsectively. DO THE FUCKING MATH, BITCH!!! I have. And you know what I figured? If everyone treated me (or any server)as poorly as you do we'd be the poorest of the poor. DO you have any fucking idea how much we'd' make? On a good day, following your fucked up tip system, we'd make 10$ for a whole days work. It's bullshit. I'm done. I'm not letting you steal my fucking joy any longer