I just spoke to my birth mother.
Whoa.

A lot of this year has been rather stink-tastic.  My stress level is up to there and my emotions are not far behind what with work and life and injury.

Today was my day.  Today was going to be a good day.  Today would involve treats and specialness and presents and cake.

Today began with having to be up extra early for a blood test.  It was then followed with a lost lab requisition and crying in the parking lot, at 7:10am!  How to recoup?

How about a cuppa for the drive to work; perfect!  Pefect until someone reverses super quickly causing me to slam on my brakes and to then give him the stink eye as I drove by.  I thought ‘what a twit’ and got in the drive thru line to get my tea.  After paying, and with my window still down, I moved forward and who do I see, and hear, waiting for me but Mister Quick Reverse.

“Hey Bitch!  You have a problem with my driving?” “You need to slow down” “Fucking Bitch”

So that was awesome………

I was shocked, taken aback and already on shakey ground so I drove off and started to cry again.

The day could only go up right? RIGHT?!

Thank goodness for peanut buter cake in the fridge.

I just ate my feelings!

Driving home today someone tried to force me out of their way, as close to being forced off the road as one can be when there are curbs.

I was in the right lane on a four lane road slightly behind the truck in the left lane with another car, an SUV, behind me.   The SUV decided they wanted to try and pass so moved to the left lane and started edging forward in the lane.  There wasn’t enough space for them to merge and apparently this frustrated the heck out of them as the next thing I noticed was that the SUV was REALLY close to my side.  They backed off a smidge then were right up close, again!

The first time I thought it was a fluke.  The second time I wondered if they were texting.  The third time?  The third time I thought to myself “You are trying to intimidate me!  F*ck you!”

So not an appropriate response.  Such an over the top reaction but..I am exhausted after a crazy month at work and feel slightly pissed off at the world due to being so tired (yes, I am such a rational person….).

I looked over at the SUV that third time and there was a very angry look woman at the wheel.  I saw her snarl and swear at me as she then attempted a fourth power move.  She made me so mad.  All I kept thinging was “what the hell is your problem?!” as I held my ground and refused to leave space for her.

So petty.  So ridiculous of me yet I felt such a sense of accomplishment by keeping her at bay.

Some days I am such a child 🙂

I loathe going to work.

I am insanely jealous of anyone who likes their job in the least.

I dream of work.  It wakes me at night. I am tired non stop and feel that I could sleep for weeks.  I feel the weight of work as I drive there and it lands on my shoulders as I park.  I wear it all day long and barely shrug it of before it is back.

I needed a new job and got it.  I got what I wished for.  I think I wished wrong.  Or maybe I have something wrong.

I just need the lotto from the sky to drop in my lap.

Yeah…yeah…that’s it!!!

*looks at the sky hopefully*

I want to.

Right now I don’t, not in much anyway.

It is kind of sad.

GF Pizza. TV and remote.  Bottle of wine.

Needed mindlessness.

“Content-ish”

Ha

Threw that out in to the world and I am so not there!  Life has a funny way of being really frustrating and in your face-ish when you are trying to look for/work on something like finding contentment.

And I am just this worry filled person over the past year.  So many nights of restless sleep and anxious dreams.  So many days filled with what if-ing and expecting the worst.  Tears, oh the tears!

It wasn’t all without reason.  There were/are some health issues.  There was job stress through both losing and gaining work.  Money makes me sigh a big sigh (even thought The Boy has it under control and can prove this to me with a lengthy spreadsheet!).

The worst is the self not liking (hating, loathing, whatever)

I thought I was supposed to have it together at this age.  I so don’t.

I am trying to poke about in my head, trying to find out what the hell is going on, trying to settle my insides, trying to find a sense of peace and all the while not make myself completely mental.  I may have to enlist someone/ a few someones for help.  Nothing formal, too costly at this time, but people I can trust to have my back and best at heart while giving me the hard truth.

That, in itself, gives me twinges of terror.  How do I explain something that I don’t understand in such a way that someone else can even grasp a speck of it?  And what if they are horrified? And, and, and, and, and……………..and that is how it continues in  my head.

But I am so tired of it all being continuously there

But I still love it.  So quiet and pretty but, unfortunately, not enough for a snow day or three off work!

The slippery streets (yay for snow tires!) feel like a reflection of the way I feel about a lot of life right now; I just cannot seem to get my footing.

I have all these blah feeling and then it also causes extreme guilt because I know The Boy worries that he isn’t doing enough.

Him?  He’s just great.  The part of my life that is him makes me happy but….I am still worried and stressed and sad and mad about the rest of life.  I want to crawl out and make it all okay but it’s kind of like trying to walk up a big, steep sand dune; step, step, slide back….  It is really hard to explain to The Boy that he is a great part of my life when he sees me being such a, well, blergh-y person.

It stinks.

At my ripe old age I thought it would be different.  At my ripe old age I thought I’d have reached the magical comfort of self and the who cares what anyone else thinks space.

I haven’t.

I can be rational about the fact that there is a lot of upheaval in my live and that I am justified in how I feel but at the same time….well….I think I am mostly going through the motions of life.

Job searching….blergh!   So not my favourite thing.

I am working on my keyboarding skills, I am a little slow, so I am typing this from a full sized keyboard instead of my laptop.  I have also been doing online typing tests and wow do I need to pick it up.  I guess I should have paid more attention in school!

I have aslo thrown open the networking door, finally, and have a bunch of people putting feelers out.  I wasn’t able to tell people until about the last month so have been trying to be somewhat sly and vague when I asked about jobs or mentioned that I was looking-ish.

Times like these I really wish I’d been one of those people who knew what they wanted to do from a young age and then just went and did it.  Either that or be one of those people that deceided to try something and ended up really liking it.  So far no dice….

Basicallly I need a paycheque so that I don’t force the Boy and I into a cardboard box!