Mission Journal

When I look back on my life, there are two events that I have had an incredibly hard time reminiscing and reflecting on. One of these time periods was the two years I served as a missionary for the LDS church. I remember growing up and hearing that those two years would be the best in my life... That, my friends, was a bold face lie. No offense to the LDS church, or the missionary program, or anybody who was involved in my life at the time but I was simply in a very awkward stage in my life and trying to figure it all out. Trying to figure myself out as a representative for an entire religion was... well... messy. Mainly because I was a mess. Honestly, who isn't a mess to some degree while in their late teens and early twenties? Throw "questioning sexuality", and "depression" into the mix and there was me: A smile on the outside and a rollercoaster on the inside. Suffice to say, I looked back on those times with a surface-deep perspective... the less I thought about the details, the better.

With this in mind, I recently felt it was time to take the time to really remember that period in my life - to work through it and get rid of the negative energy I have associated with it. I dug my mission journal out from my box of personal items and I started reading it like a book. Not only that, but I took time to remember those moments... all of those moments of faith, hope, happiness, discouragement, optimism, and honesty. There were so many happy times; there were also a lot of non-happy times... and it was refreshing to read it all.  Because whether I liked it or not at the time, each one of those moments made me who I am today. So, nearly 10 years after those entries were written, I can finally look back on it with acceptance and realize that, yes, those two years were worth it, and even yes... those two years were great.

It has taken me nearly three months to finish because reliving many of those moments were a little exhausting... but its been completely worth it. Which leads me to my question to you: Have you ever taken time to read your own history? Many people write whether in journals, poetry, or other means, but how often to you ever take the time to sit down and revisit those thoughts? You might be surprised at the wisdom you didn't realize you possessed, but I also think you'll be amazed looking at how those moments made you into who you are.

Musings on Boston

"It's been a while..." seems like an understatement, but regardless, I'm here now. Unfortunately, it takes a sense of tragedy to bring feelings to light and with details of the bombings at the Boston Marathon plaguing my mind, I couldn't help but write something. My personal journal is being filled with personal drama of finding a new apartment, trying to find time between school and work to do much of anything, making sense of turning 30 this year... and, while those seemingly trivial topics do matter to me, the tragedy in Boston hits closer to home because being a part of marathons has been a way for me to make sense of loss. When I lost my niece nearly four yeas ago, I felt like I needed to do something, ANYTHING to be an active part of helping to find a cure. So I made the attempt to attempt 50 marathons in 50 states before I'm 50 - with the idea that I would do a fundraising effort with each marathon I finished, with the proceeds going to childhood cancer research. Even though it is a small gesture, I held out hope that more people would notice and, if not anything else, be aware of childhood cancer and the fact that awareness needs to be made. With each marathon I ran (currently four), I held my niece and other childhood cancer angels so close to my heart I could swear that they were running along side me. I can remember vividly being so close to that finish line and feeling such hope in the cause I was running for.

Which brings me to today - I received news of the bombings while I was at work. I guess it didn't effect me until I saw the footage while I was on my break, which happened to be hours later. They showed slow motion footage of the bomb going off near the finish line. I guess what got me most was the fact that I saw runners collapsing when it happened. I mean, think about it. They had been running for over 4 hours and were yards away from accomplishing a goal they had worked so hard on - when the unthinkable happened. I can hardly imagine it. I have notoriously said that the hardest part of the marathon is the .2 of the 26.2... and these bombs were literally in the .2, -  the final moments of the race. As a runner, I am petrified at the thought of it. But then I thought of being a runner and knowing that my family and friends are there supporting me and are likely at the finish line waiting for me to cross. Where would they have been? The feeling caught me off guard, and it took all I had in me not to sob openly in the break room. And then I thought of other tragedies in my adult years that have made the news - major landmarks, malls, schools, movie theaters... is nothing safe?

With many of my races, I have ran alone - literally, alone in a city I've never been to. No one is at the finish line, no one is personally cheering me on in the crowd and I've been alright with that. Part of me feels like it helps me focus more on my goal - it motivates me to keep moving. But this act of terror in Boston... this specific act of hate... left me feeling so vulnerable. What would I do if I were in a city alone and something like this happened? How can I even prepare for the unexpected? 

On the way home from work, I browsed through my facebook feed on my phone. In the midst of well-wishing for Boston (and a surprising amount of the same Mr. Rogers quote with varied fonts and pictures), I saw this article that a friend posted on facebook:

http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/04/the-boston-marathon-bombing-keep-calm-and-carry-on/275014/

Of all the articles swimming in the vast sea of the internet, this one struck home. It is still too soon to tell what the reason (if any) for this bombing is. It is scary to think about and imagine what could have happened, but like the article suggests "Empathize, but refuse to be terrorized". Our minds instantly cause us to think that this is something that could happen anywhere, but truth be told, it is incredibly unlikely. 

So yes, I am still a bit emotional. When I am finished with this blog post, I am going to crawl into bed and hold my partner a little bit tighter than I normally would. But I feel reaffirmed in my goals to run in races while my heart goes out to the city of Boston and everyone effected by this immense tragedy. We will get through this together. 

2012

I just posted another blog and realized I had never posted this one... It is terribly unfinished, but features pictures of 2012 - some have descriptions, some do not. But I'm posting this unfinished blog as is - flaws and all... Enjoy.

- N. Pug, 04/16/2013
___________________________________________

All of you dedicated bloggers out there, I tip my hat to you. Unfortunately on the list of priorities for me, updating my blog is fairly low on the list (shockingly, since the last real post was the beginning of this year). I attempted to update, but I always got stuck at trying to describe how work was going. I love baking and pastry with a fiery, dedicated passion - but the night shift has been wearing me down more and more. It's been harder and harder to shift back and forth between the night schedule and a regular schedule on the weekend, then balancing school, a healthy relationship, eating right, exercise, etc. - I definitely fell into a rough spot and the last post I did in June was my attempt to find something positive in the hours I was (and still am) working. Since then, I've been taking some incentive to make changes - mostly in matters of perspective, but also in other areas of my life (including the odd schedule I'm working). It's a work in progress - albeit appropriate considering the name of this blog. Alas, much has happened in the past half year (how could it not?!) so instead of my overly-mindful ramblings, I'm going to post random pictures and a brief description of each... My attempt to prove that pictures really do paint a thousand words.

My trusty side-kick, John Galt

Back in March, there was an odd warm spell in Chicago and I bought this bike for commuting down to work. Since then, I've been biking down at least 2-3 times a week - the trip takes roughly 40 minutes to (or from) work and is 18 miles round trip. Killing the commute and exercise with one stone has been fantastic. (I always tend to name inanimate objects and this bike is named John Galt after one of the leading characters in one of my favorite novels, Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand)

My favorite view of Chicago - The specific spot is near Lakeshore Drive and North Avenue, though only accessible if you are walking or biking. Usually when I am biking home, the sun is rising and the city looks stunning. This type of weather and this type of view almost make the winters worth it. Almost...

Spring Break 2012 - The spring semester at school was particularly rough with my Biology course, so my regular trip back to Utah for the 5K just didn't work out. I was able to make it back to Utah for a few days - My sweet sis has some great pictures on her blog here of that trip. In a crazy turn of events, Scott's mom, step-dad and brother were in town for a wedding, so we all met up for dinner. Overall, the entire trip was amazing. If it wasn't so expensive to fly back to Utah, I'd love to make the trip back there more often - but I feel that my family and I always make the most of the time we have together. The trip was certainly no exception and I feel a stronger bond, more open and honest communication and deeper love for each of them. 

Des Moines - We always tend to make it back to Des Moines a few times during the year - especially with the wee ones growing so quickly. These are a few pictures of Scott and I with the youngest, Antigone (Annie) who was born in November. 

 Lion King-ing the cat - This really doesn't deserve an explanation, but I think it's hilarious. Not familiar with Lion King-ing? Check out this link.

I was planning on running the Madison Marathon, but with anticipated temperatures of high 90's, the race was canceled the day before the race. I was still able to run the half marathon (in 2:09:07 - a time I was happy with considering the temperature was low 80's by the time I finished around 9:00 a.m.) The rest of the weekend, I indulged in the local Madison scene...

My post race tradition is eating Mexican food - this place seemed a little too good to be true.

While not as big as my head, it was pretty huge. I had to take a picture of something to compare it to...

So intense, so delicious. You better believe I ate the whole damn thing in 10 minutes... and regretted it the rest of the day.

Also checked out the Madison Botanical Gardens

 Birthday Brunch! I had to work the night of my birthday, so Scott and I celebrated it in the morning - This is the Peasant Quiche from one of my favorite restaurants M. Henrietta. Also, I didn't want birthday cake (Is that weird? I never can tell...) but I did opt for a Birthday Magnum: An ice cream bar dipped in chocolate, then dipped in caramel, then dipped in chocolate again? Yes, ma'am.

Scott and I have also been to Millenium Park a few times this summer for music festivals, like Stars of Lyric Opera at Millennium Park

Early Morning

I'm finding that it is in the very early morning that this city takes on a new light. There have been a number of occasions recently where I have gotten home from work and the day is just barely starting to break, so I step out onto the deck and listen. At this point in the day, I imagine most people's alarms are going off, or they are getting ready, so the accumulation of cab drivers, morning commuters, bikers and frenzied suits rushing to make it to their bus stop in time are all non-existent. Only the occasional car passing slowly by is an indicator of whats to come in a matter of an hour or so. At this time, the city is alive with another presence. The birds talk with one another with a volume close to that of an aviary and above most other species, a collection of robins scattered throughout nearby trees sing the most gorgeous songs, it has literally stopped me in my tracks. The breeze dances through the trees lining the streets with a low whistle that seems to compliment the birds song in a symphonic way. Under that, there is deafening silence, which is so unnatural in this area at any other time of the day, which makes me feel like silence is a sort of beautiful song in itself. This entire experience doesn't bring me to tears, doesn't make any strong emotions arise, but makes me feel a part of it all. I only tend to soak these type of moments in for a few minutes before I bring myself back into my apartment, and back into reality - but I always tend to feel that if there is any advantages to working overnight, it would have to be coming home to moments like this.

End of 2011 - Part I

I suppose anyone who read this blog regularly (and I use that term loosely by how often I actually post) has since moved on to bigger and brighter blogs on the "interweb". I don’t blame them – and if you are reading this, I appreciate it and welcome you back after months of neglect.

To say the past few months were busy is an understatement – work demands were excessive with overtime flowing like wine (though not as delicious), school stretched me beyond my comfort zone and I was forced to learn and be tested on information that has lifelong been my Achilles heel (specifically, all things math), and additionally training for a marathon. Between my regular schedule being so different from the rest of the world and trying to manage work, school, general well-being, and spending quality time with Scott, I have been exhausted. I feel like I could sleep for days, if it wouldn’t get in the way of… well… everything. Not to complain though – everything has truly kept me on my toes and I feel like I’m learning, growing, constantly moving forward and I feel very fulfilled in this journey so far. Being busy, as stressful as it feels, is actually a great thing.

That all being said, let me give you the rundown of how it has all played out.

Work: Going very well. This entire past year of working at night, in spite of the odd hours and toll it takes on my body being a vampire, has been positively life changing. As much respect I have for my boss (namely, her skills and experience – not her atrocious management style), not being around the constant negativity has been wonderful. I can honestly say that I love what I do for a living, I enjoy going to work every day and I am able to have a life outside of it. Working at night compared to the day shift has been like… well, night and day. There are the standard stresses, such as high volume production and the near-unrealistic expectations of what can get done in the amount given, and so on – but all in all, things are going very well. I still have intentions on working more with creating product based around dietary needs, but business (gratefully) has been high and the regular production has occupied all of my time. No complaints there.

School: Like I mentioned, the fall semester included two courses – an Intermediate Algebra (with geometry) course and a Psychology course. Math has always been my weakness, but I was determined to understand it. You could ask Scott and he’ll tell you I spent most of my free time doing homework for that class, but I didn’t want to just settle for passing. And it paid off – I got an A in both classes. The Psychology course, gratefully, was interesting enough for me that I was able to read the material without any problems of boredom arising (and it was perfect for the bus rides down to work – Utilizing time effectively! WOOT!) and I was able to pull information from the class that will benefit my career in the future. So, yes, taking general courses isn’t ideal, but it’s been a great refresher, especially having a specific goal and being able to apply concepts toward that.

Also, I probably shouldn’t mention (but I will) that my final report in Psychology was to diagnose someone I knew who may have a mental disorder and to describe the symptoms and course of action. I wrote about my boss…. and I got an A on the paper. (Truth be told, with all of her craziness I’ve dealt with over the past two years, the paper essentially wrote itself.)

Marathon: Wow. It has really been that long since I’ve written a blog that I didn’t mention this yet. Craz-ay. Marathon #4 was in Indianaplois, Indiana on November 5, 2011 – Scott was busy with being an opera star, so I road-tripped down and spent the weekend there by myself. It was a bit like a mini-vacation and I highly recommend it – especially if a marathon is involved.

I suppose I didn’t have much expectation of Indianapolis, but I found that it is truly a gorgeous city. It has an older, historic feel and mixed with the autumn aspects of cooler weather, varied colors and falling leaves – I found myself speechless at times. The race was the best one I’ve ran so far – a PR (personal record), as they call it – at 4:28:45. My main goals were to be healthy, not obtain any injury during training and to finish strong. My ideal time goal in mind was 4:20:00, so I wasn’t disappointed with what I actually obtained - Especially because I did run the race healthy, injury free and I finished strong.

I also had a very humbling experience while running the race – a little over half way through, I saw a little boy cheering in the crowd that looked just like Benny Watters, (one of the DIPG angels whose family I had the pleasure of meeting a few years back). It took my breath away and I had to do a double take – I mentioned this to Lisa, Benny’s mom, and she told me that she considers that ‘a little wink’. Suffice to say, the remainder of the race had the DIPG angels and brave fighters on my mind and the rest of the 26.2 miles seemed to drift by.

Post-Race Glory/Fatigue

Just after the race in downtown Indianapolis, IN

Their tagline was 'A beautiful place to set your pace' - Initially tacky, but definitely true.

This was my best friend for nearly 3 hours after the race...

My next marathon is scheduled for May 27, 2012 in Madison, Wisconsin. Scott and I were in Madison a few times this past fall for a few of Scott’s performances and it is a beautiful city. I’m already looking forward to the race.

In other news, Scott’s sister, Stacy recently had her third child, a little girl named Antigone (nicknamed Annie). I always love me a new niece or nephew and I have been hogging as much baby time as I can while we’ve been in Des Moines for the holidays. Here are a few pics of the wee one:

Me and Annie (she is only about a week old in this picture)

Scott and the wee one...

Me and Annie (during Christmas - she is nearly a month old in this picture and continually getting cuter)

Today is the last day of my time off from the holidays – I actually go back to work tonight… after being off for over a week (business being slow at the hotel = Paid Time Off!) I am a little apprehensive about what I’m going to come back to. I’m sure more stories will be had and shenanigans will ensue.

Alas, that work bell is faintly tolling and beckoning me… and I should get ready to head downtown – More will be said soon... Not only because it’s a New Year’s resolution to do so, but also because I didn’t even touch on Christmas yet!

Oooh, the anticipation is building…..

Until next time!

Random Thought

There is a story I remember from the movie 'What the Bleep Do We Know?' about Native Americans not being able to see Christopher Columbus' ships when they were offshore. In the movie, a neuroscientist is explaining the story and explains that a local shaman went to the edge of the water every day because he could see ripples in the water that were made by the ships - but he couldn't see the ships himself. He struggled to understand this and day after day he looked out to try to see something - until finally, he was able to see the ships. Apparently no one else could see the ships until he was able to see them and explain them. In the movie, they explain that we only see what we believe to be possible. The Native Americans couldn't see something they had never before experienced, so their brains couldn't comprehend it - they simply couldn't see it.

Regardless if this story is true - and there is some debate about it - it is a story that I found fascinating and it has stuck with me in the back of my mind. The reason I bring this up now is because when I was in the midst of my 16 mile run on the trail along Lake Michigan yesterday and I looked over the gorgeous lake - enjoying the beauty of the morning, the subtle waves and the sun reflecting off of it - and suddenly, I thought "What if there was something actually out there that I couldn't see simply because my mind wasn't able to comprehend it?"

Which in turn got me thinking about life experiences and as odd as it sounds, I couldn't help but feel like there is something out there for all of us that we may not be able to see because we can't comprehend it or aren't ready to accept it. In life, change is inevitable - it's not a good thing or a bad thing - it just is. It is our perspective and our willingness to accept that change and keep moving that makes change into a beneficial thing.

I am certainly not the best one to be explaining this, but I think so many of us are so content with the way things are without being willing to look out and see the potential of something different. What would happen if, metaphorically, a ship was coming in the distance. Would we be able to recognize it?

Summer 2011

I was just taking a break with studying, it's rainy and humid outside, and Scott is painting (and therefore, doesn't want to be distracted), so it seems the most ideal time to check in and update on what's new.

First of all, I am writing this post on a new laptop. It's so strange to have this after the years and years of having the bulky, outdated computer. Having something small, light and incredibly fast is definitely not something I'm used to. But it's been amazing to have with the fall semester for school starting.

(Isn't she lovely?)

Speaking of which, I am taking two classes this semester - Intermediate Algebra with Geometry and Psychology. 8 credit hours total and it's been keeping me fairly busy. It's a different change of pace from the summer semester - during the summer, everything was so condensed. I mentioned that both of my courses during the summer were both online - and while it was great for convenience sake with my work schedule, I found that I was working on an assignment everyday. Weekends weren't sacred - in fact, the few times that the classes "met" online in a chat forum setting, it was on a Sunday evening. I feel, however, it was a great way to get back into the school setting and focus myself better. I always felt like I could be doing something to improve an assignment or that I should be reading something and as a result, this fall semester I've become fairly strict with myself in setting time aside for studying and homework. By the way, I received an A in both the English and Humanities class - so, I feel I'm off to a good start (and have the same expectation for the rest of my classes as well.) Math has never been my strong point - in fact, for as long as I can remember, it has been the weakest of subjects and I've had a sense of anxiety whenever I had a class or had to do math in front of anyone. To be honest though, I'm over it. I've decided to make my weakness a strength, and I've committed myself to understanding it and, God willing, actually enjoy it. Surprisingly, despite pangs of anxiety that still seem to come from time to time, I'm doing well and enjoying it.

Work is going well - nothing terribly new to report. The night shift doesn't differ much in terms of new product. It usually seems to be the case that we are either terribly busy and I am running around all night praying I can get everything done before the different departments come to pick up their product or it's an average day and I'm able to help out some with the day crew's projects. Such was the case last week and I was able to do my regular work and then do odds and ends for the day crew to help them out, like make batches of cookies, candy walnuts and pecans, make rice pudding, make fillings and icings for cakes and things of that nature. As simple as those projects sound, it's nice from time to time to do those types of things to keep those types of projects fresh and to break up the standard day to day business. I, unfortunately, haven't had enough free time to devote to trying new products and testing new recipes, but that time will definitely come in the coming months - the fall is terribly busy and then it gets all "feast or famine" during the late fall/winter months. Lucky for me and the girl I work with at night, our tasks are consistent and essential and we'll always have hours to work - compared to the day crew where they could be working 50+ hour weeks and then turn around and have a 3 day work week because business is slow. The more I think about the permanent switch I made to do the night shift, the more I realize that I made the right choice - for sanity and otherwise.

These past few months have been very busy with work, school, moving, Scott getting back from New York, training for the next marathon, visiting Scott's family, people visiting and staying at our place - It felt like a whirlwind - and in the midst of it all, I got news that my opa had fallen and that he was in the hospital. Through the busy days, I got updates from my mom and siblings about his condition and any and all news. It seemed, despite his age and his condition, he was actually beating the odds and doing well. Not surprising, to be honest, the man is a fighter and has always beaten the odds. And then, I got news that he had passed away. I couldn't really believe it - the news was almost numbing.

Thanks to my mom, I was able to fly back to Utah for a few days for the services. I flew in Sunday afternoon and my brother and his family picked me up and we drove straight down to Mt. Pleasant to the viewing. The drive was a good hour and 1/2 - which was really nice to be with Jason, Dani and the boys. Very few people in my life know me like they do and their humor and personalities match mine exactly - so the drive down and back were hilarious and wonderful despite the circumstances. It was pretty amazing that every member of my extended family was there - and being one of 32 cousins (not including spouses/partners, kids, etc.), we are a large bunch. The funeral was the next day, emotions were high - especially seeing my oma saying her last goodbye to her husband of almost 55 years - but the service itself was a tremendously wonderful tribute. There was beautiful music, all of the aunts and uncles told little stories about him, my mom gave a wonderful history of his life along with more stories that I had never heard of before. It was definitely emotional, but it certainly felt like a celebration of a wonderful life and for that, it felt very bittersweet. After the service, I was able to spend some time with my siblings and mom before we headed back to the Salt Lake area. I spent the night at dinner with my mom, Bob, Jason, Dani and their boys reminiscing about Opa's life and general catching up. Then, that night, my mom and I talked a bit more about my opa and oma and the events leading up to his passing and what had happened after - and it was strange because I didn't feel like his death had really hit me until that point.

(At the cemetery - I realized at this point that I didn't get a picture of his casket which was designed and built by my uncle, Chris - pictures don't do it justice. It was beautiful workmanship)

(The Klunker Family - Oma, Mom, aunts and uncles at the cemetery)

*Picture taken from Mike's facebook page - it was such a good picture I had to share it

(At the reception after - Mom, Shiloh, Heather... and Jason, acting like a bug buzzing around Heather's head while wearing my sunglasses...)

(Shiloh - in all her adorable glory)

(Me with my aunts Stacy and Jann - although from my dad's side of the family, they came to the services. I realized that I didn't have a picture of them since my farewell back in 2002, so I took advantage of the opportunity, in spite of Stacy's protest)

My mom went upstairs to go to bed and I was by myself in her guest room for the first time in weeks - no assignments to finish, no people to entertain at home, Scott wasn't there to talk to - and so I was able to lay there and really think. I looked back on my relationship with Opa and realized that he and Oma had always been supportive of me in every decision I ha ever made. Opa was at my high school graduation, he was supportive and proud when I chose to go on an LDS mission, he was always happy whenever I talked about culinary school and being a pastry chef and most recently, he and my oma always told me they loved me and that my partner and I were welcome in their home. Furthermore, whenever I talked with Opa, I always felt important. He always had a way of adding humor, sincerity and love to everything he did and I realized that he was one of the few people in my love who had been completely unconditional. After I had realized all of this, I was a hot mess. The grieving process is funny that way - I had received the news, been to the viewing and the funeral service and it wasn't until after all that, that it really sunk in.

The next day, was emotional because I had to leave back to Chicago. I felt raw from this entire realization and then I had to leave family again. Mom, Jason and I grabbed a quick bite to eat and then they dropped me off at the airport and then I was back to reality... *sigh* All in all, it was an incredibly quick trip - I believe it was only about 48 hours total that I was back in Utah - but it was nice to be able to be with family. I remember being on my mission and getting news that my grandma had passed away after her tough battle with cancer and not being able to be with family or attend any of the services. Quite simply, it was an awful experience. In fact, I'm surprised I even brought that up because I still can hardly look back on that moment in my life without having a pit in my stomach. Being with family, even for a short time, was not only where I wanted to be, but where I needed to be. There is nothing better than laughing together, crying together, sharing memories together and when everything has been said, simply being together in the same room without saying anything at all is enough.

(At the airport with Mom and Jason - I love the photobomb from the luggage crew in the background)

When I got back to Chicago, I heard this song by Jennifer Hudson called 'Still Here'. I've had it on my MP3 player for a while, but I never really listened to the words - but when I was on one of my runs, the track came on and the words hit me deep and I couldn't help but remember Opa and the great man he was and the wonderful way he always made me feel.

Here is that song:

In fact, it has been one month since he passed away - I didn't realize it until I saw a few posts from a few of my aunts on facebook. It's crazy how time flies...

Anyway, it is definitely time for more homework - I have a decent list to take care of before my weekend is over. Hope to keep in touch again soon - Until next time!