The Holiday

There has been a whole lot of Christmas going on over the past few weeks. No complaints at all - I am just beyond tired now as a result. As I'm writing this, I'm feeling a bit under the weather - and since Scott and I just got back to Chicago last night after being in Des Moines for nearly a week, I'm taking advantage of this time to take it easy.
Like I said before, this month has been incredibly busy. Well, let me clarify. Work has been incredibly slow - which has given me plenty of opportunity to enjoy a packed and fulfilling holiday season. Earlier this month, after a series of coincidences, I was able to travel home for an extended weekend. When I moved to Chicago, I initially thought that I'd more than likely not be traveling to Utah again for a while (including the holidays) because of being at a new job and lack of money. Well, with my hotel being mainly business clientele and with the ecomony the way it is, I've been given an abundance of time off (some I requested, much I did not - a blessing and curse in itself). Along with that, Scott came across a travel voucher through United Airlines he needed to use before the beginning of 2009 and wondered if I could use it... the amount of the voucher nearly covered the entire cost of the round-trip flight. Suffice to say, I jumped at the chance to go. I had set myself up for so long with the thought that I wouldn't see my family for a long time that when I saw this opportunity, I jumped at it without question.
The trip home was definitely needed. I think for the most part, I consider myself an independent person - but there is that small part of me that longs for home. There's just something unique about being in my mom's house, drinking a Coke, and talking with my family about anything that comes to mind. I miss that. And I think I miss the fact that it's not easily accessible anymore.
At any rate, it was wonderful. I was able to spend some quality time with each of my siblings and their families and also spent a great deal of time with my mom. I also had the opportunity to attend a few parties... One was a holiday party with one of my best friends Caitie, another was a party with my extended family. There was a time a few years back that I vowed to myself that I would never go back to the party because of the blatant awkwardness... well, that changed and I went. It seemed to coincidental that I was home the exact weekend that the party was happening, so I took that opportunity to visit with my extended family. It was so great to see them - it has been a while. I still keep in touch with a few through the miracle of the internet - and for that reason, seeing them was more special. There were a few people in my family that hardly made eye contact, but I didn't take it personal. In fact, I expected more of that then there was.... so I was pleasantly surprised. :) Following that party, I went to Dani's (my brothers wife) 30th birthday party. She had an 80's Glam Rock theme, so everyone had torn jeans, ratted out hair, tacky neon colors - it was bliss. I'm pretty sure it was the greatest theme for a party that I've ever been to. Throw in the fact that I drank half a bottle of courvoisier and played the hell out of Guitar Hero, and that's my idea of a great party.
Anyway, Utah was great. I didn't let anyone else besides close family know that I was coming... if there is one thing I can't stand, it's obligation. I hate it when someone knows I'm coming into town and they expect me to show up and hang out while I'm there. This trip was simply for my family - and for me. Because I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't have seen them over the holidays.
Besides going home, Scott and I also had a great Christmas party at our place. It was primarily for all of the students in his class (about 18 or so) - so we did a huge dessert spread and everyone was dressed up... Scott and I decided that we love to have people over and entertain. And especially since we have all this extra room, why the hell not?
For Christmas, Scott and I headed up to Des Moines. I won't lie - I was a little ancy about going for an entire week because I really like (translation: need) my alone time - and I usually don't feel comfortable in other peoples homes when I'm staying there. But his mom is amazing and despite the fact she was going a mile a minute with planning, baking, wrapping, and all the other Christmas joys, she made us feel completely welcome and comfortable. We spend alot of time with his siblings and mom - which was great because their relationship reminds me a great deal of my family - ...made cookies, baked and cooked continually, exchanged gifts, ate too much - all the little joys that make Christmas so grand.
I won't lie though. After getting back from Des Moines, I was Christmas'd out. I felt like I needed to sleep for days to recover from all the festivities. And even though it's not the most ideal of situations to have work be so slow during this time, it was amazing to be able to have the freedom to not only enjoy the holiday, but to be so completely drained from the holiday that I was glad to have it over and back to normal. :) Good times, good times...

Anyway, to all who might happen to read this, I hope your holiday was amazing and I wish you the best with 2009!

Facebook

Today is the first day off I've had in about 7 days. Needless to say, I've done a lot of nothing. Ok, I take that back. I did about 5 loads of laundry - but how hard is it to put clothes in a machine and walk away? Seriously. I did spend a lot of time online for many different purposes - work related, downloading music, researching different things, etc. But one thing that has stuck out in my mind today is Facebook. I didn't realize how many people have a facebook account - which is actually a very fascinating thing to me. I've found in my life that I am very much like a book. I feel that there have been many chapters in my life and feel I'll have many more - but I find that when I move to a new chapter in my life (now for instance is Chicago) I leave the previous chapters behind - thinking of them fondly, but leaving them in the past. With Facebook, however, I have friends from (literally) every chapter in my life. Old friends I grew up with, members of the ward I grew up in, people from middle and high school, people from the mission, when I lived in Las Vegas, people here in Chicago - I feel like every chapter in my life has suddenly mashed into one. I no longer wonder what people have been up to over the past 10 years because I get a constant news feed on them. I'm not sure yet if I consider this a good thing or a bad thing... I always felt like my life had a sense of mystery - as though every person I knew had a piece of the puzzle of who I am, but didn't know me completely. Now most all of the people who holds these pieces are together in one spot and I feel... open? naked? not mysterious at all? I'm not sure what word or description I'm looking for, but it's just a bazaar feeling. Am I the only one who feels this? Odds are that anyone who reads this has a facebook account - is it just weird for you to have so many people from your past in your present?

Prop 8

I won't lie. When I heard of the results of Proposition 8, I felt a huge lump in my throat. I got emotional. In fact, I'm upset and saddened by every single state that passed a ban on gay marriage. In California, the votes were very close - so, although the outcome isn't how I would've liked, it's great to see that there are enough people in that state who support gay marriage.
While it is true that Proposition 8 didn't effect either state I've resided in this year and I don't have intentions on getting married soon (if it were even possible for me to do so), I know many people who are from those states whose love and desires are pure and true - yet had their rights taken away. It's just sad. I don't know what else to say.

The votes are in...

Although I live in Chicago, I couldn't make it down to Grant Park to enjoy the celebration of our new President... The joys of working early. But let me just say that there was a roar of cheers and screams in my apartment building and I've never felt more proud to be an American. I don't know if I've ever felt any sense of faith and hope in our government and now I feel it happening. And it feels good. :)

My lack of personality is catching up with me...

The past few weeks, like I said in my last post, have been filled with work... and now I finally have time to sit and jot down a few things.

First off, do you guys remember me telling you about the Marriott Downtown and how they made a part-time position for me after I rocked their stage? Well. Here's the update. They told me that all I needed to do was fill out the online application and the personality test and we'd be squared away. I'm not sure what exactly they were looking for, but the first time I didn't pass the personality assessment. So I got a call back from the Executive Pastry Chef there (who I get along very well with) and she told me the news. She asked me to try it again, but this time fill out every answer the way the Marriott would ideally want... just play it up. So I did. And I didn't pass it again. So I got another call from her asking me to try it again - annoyed, but really wanting this position, I did it. I even called a dear friend who works at the Marriott for some advice on what I might need to do to pass it. So I felt confident in the test and sent the Marriott a message telling them I finished the application and waited to hear back from them.....
.....Fast forward 2 1/2 weeks and I still hadn't heard anything. It was hard not to assume that I didn't pass or that they decided not to create that position they had made for me - but I gave it one last effort and e-mailed the pastry chef about the results. It turns out that I didn't pass the personality portion again and that they ended up giving the position to someone else. Needless to say, I was a little furious. And confused. As Scott reminded me, I had worked for Marriott twice before - they seemed to like my personality then... why not now? Suffice to say, I don't care much for personality tests anymore. I have the experience, I have the knowledge, and I was even offered the position - but because of that test, it didn't work out. I am very much of the belief that everything happens for a reason, so with the effort and time I put into this position and having it still not work out, I can't help but feel that it just wasn't meant to be from the start. I'm not sure why... but when I figure it out, I'll let you all know.

That's the most recent drama in my life. Other than that, things are going very well. Work at the Westin is getting back to normal - I just filled out all the information for benefits for Scott and I... so we should have insurance just in time for the winter. It's so weird sometimes to be an adult - I never expected something like insurance for me and my partner to be high on the list of my priorities. But I'm glad it is now - I'm sure it'll come in handy. :)

Anyway, Halloween is coming up, which is actually my sisters birthday! Growing up, we'd always deck out thehouse in Halloween decorations - it was always a big deal. This year is no exception... Scott decided to throw a big Halloween party, so I took it upon myself to decorate the apartment with pictures, spider webs, lights, pumpkins, etc. It's pretty much the shit. And as an added bonus, I'm dressing up as David Bowie from the Labyrinth.
Granted, my facial features aren't as pointy - but other than that, I have the whole damn outfit ready. Including a large package. Pictures are sure to follow.

And lastly and very importantly, Scott's opera is this weekend!! I'm so excited to see then man in action. He's been telling me how crazy his character is and how he rocks it - so I'll be sure to tell you more about that in the near future.

Hello and Goodnight

Just a quick blog to say I am still alive. Work has been insane over the past month - in fact, my last check said that I worked roughly 106 hours... Suffice to say, I come home and sleep - wake up, eat with Scott, and sleep again. And then repeat. Thankfully, the busy season is slowing down and I have time to recuperate, which means that I'll have time to type out some random thoughts and rants again from time to time. That being said, it's getting late and I should head off to bed. So, while this entry is small, be sure to look for a new entry soon.

reflections on friendships

There is a stretch of road while I drive to work that runs through a wooded park... I was on my home today and realized what an array of color there was in the trees - I love autumn... It's nice to see everything so rustic and colorful - and also nice to have it a little cooler. Word from my family says that Utah has seen snow a couple times already - thank godfully, I have not. I still have time to enjoy the scenery for a few more weeks.

Work is busy - hence, my lack of writing. I've also been doing quite a bit of self-reflection lately - Hell, I always do - but this has involved thinking about my past, experiences with school, experiences with friends, relationships I've built - some I've held on to and some I've let slip away. I don't know if you guys have gotten that e-mail that puts friendships in terms or being there for a reason, a season, or lifetime friends... I know I've gotten it at least 5 times - if you haven't, let me know and I'll send it to you. Anyway, I haven't read the e-mail for a while, but randomly at work, the words popped in my mind and I got thinking about my friendships that I've had throughout my life. I feel that I have been an unconditional friend to many and there have been quite a few who have taken advantage of that. But more importantly, there are an incredible few that have been completely unconditional in return. Then I thought of those who were in my life for a reason and haven't been in my life since. Then I thought of those friends who were in my life through different stages - in high school, or on my mission, or in Las Vegas. And while I think of these friends fondly, I really don't expect them to call me and I have no intention on calling them. Long story short, I ended up deleting my myspace account because I had a giant list of friends who, while I love and have experienced so much with, were there for a specific reason in my life or at a time in my life that I've evolved from. For example, I have some dear friends who I met while I was a missionary - and for a while I did all I could to keep in contact... but as I have changed from a faithful LDS missionary to a pastry chef living with his boyfriend in Chicago, I found I don't have the connection I once did. I'm just not sure anymore if I should make a strong effort to keep something alive that I no longer really recognize... Any thoughts?

Mara Adams

Yesterday I heard news from my Mom that Mara Adams, my niece Sadie's friend and fellow fighter of DIPG, passed away. I don't think I can express how much I despise the disease that my niece is fighting and Mara bravely fought. Profane words aren't powerful enough to express the anger and tears shed aren't enough to express the gut wrenching pain. It hits hard for me because, although I didn't know their family personally, I know what their family is going through. Being hundreds of miles away, I rely solely on communication through phone or internet simply because there is no way to be there physically... so I tend to hide in my work or keep myself busy to stay distracted. Such was the case yesterday when I heard the news of Mara. Tonight, however, I looked at Mara's blog which gave an account of her heroic battle with DIPG and I came across a picture that was taken a few weeks ago. It shows Mara at the hospital, smiling. She had just written on a chalkboard simply, 'Mara was here'. It made me smile... And for some reason, I was alright with everything. It's so amazing to me that these small children, who are dealt such a difficult card in their life are able to learn to live with their struggle without complaining and still enjoy life to the fullest. And with wonderful organizations like the Make-A-Wish Foundation and other countless organizations, fundraisers and community involvement, these kids bring hundreds of people together in the act of love and service. These kids live more and accomplish such a great deal in their short 5 or 6 years than many people do who live a long healthy life. To Sadie, Mara and many other countless kids who are or have faced this battle, thank you for giving me someone to truly look up to.

Funny how time flies...

The title to this blog is in respect to Janet (Miss Jackson, if your nasty) who recently kicked off her 'Rock Witchu Tour' (yes, I spelled that correctly). She is only playing at limited venues this tour and Chicago is one of the stops. *sigh* If only I had the time and money. But, to give you all a little taste...



Yes, her hair is in a mohawk. And yes, these are the 3 singles (Young Love, Say You Do, Don't Stand Another Chance) off of her first two albums (Janet Jackson, Dream Street)... People hardly know those albums exist because they did fairly poor on the charts and it was before she released Control - the album that really launched her career. Anyway, she has never done these songs on a tour... I died when I saw that she was performing them. Thank God for youtube - it makes it easier to swallow that I won't be going to the concert myself. (Can you tell I love me some Janet?! You all got trivia you never knew you wanted!!)

Anyway, time for an update. I am currently in a transition with my career here in Chicago. After failing to get the hours I needed at Zed451, I went on the hunt for other positions (either full-time or part-time, to make ends meet) I got a call back for a pastry cook position at the Westin Hotel at O'Hare and after staging for them, I was offered the full-time position.

(Side note: In my line of work, the interview process is in two parts. The first is the actual interview that you and I are all used to - with the same lame questions that you get asked in every other interview. The second part is called staging, where the candidate spends about 4 hours in the kitchen with everyone else... basically proving themselves in skill and seeing if they mesh well with everyone else. It's actually a great process because it gives both parties time to feel each other out and see if it feels right.)

Anyway, the stage went well and I felt very comfortable there. Plus, I was offered a bit more money and benefits (for me and Scott - hotels rock with benefits for gay and lesbian couples) so needless to say I jumped at the chance. I gave my notice at Zed last week, so I'm finishing out my final week. I can honestly say that even though the experience was fine there and I did learn a lot, I don't think I'll ever work in a restaurant again. It's just not for me.

My new position at the Westin starts on September 22. Beside the fact that the shift begins at 5:00 a.m., I'm really looking forward to it!

But wait. There's more...

Both Scott and I applied at the Marriott Downtown (on Michigan Avenue) - him for a reservations agent part-time and me for a pastry position. Scott got a call for an interview and during that process, Scott mentioned that I applied as well. The guy giving the interview gave Scott the name and number of the Executive Pastry Chef for the hotel and told me to call to ask about my resume. So I did - and it turns out that the position has already been filled. But the pastry chef was incredibly nice and offered to have me come in and tour the property and meet people. So I went in and met her and she gave me a fantastic tour of the hotel and introduced me to people, had me sample products, and sat down to talk with me. It was totally unexpected for me, but I figured it's great to have connections and the pastry chef was so great the entire time. So she said to keep in touch and said I was welcome to swing by to hang out and help out if I ever wanted to. I'm always down for learning new things and getting more experience, so I promised her I would keep in touch. I e-mailed her and thanked her for being so amazing and told her that I'd be keeping in touch. Well, I got an e-mail back asking me if I would be interested in working part-time and if I'd consider coming in to stage. I was so excited and set something up for the next week.
Long story short, I rocked the stage, got along with the bakery really well, and she offered me a part-time position there. I'll probably be starting that in the next few weeks... I'm thinking of working there about 8-10 hours a week.

Things just seem to be falling into place... It's a great feeling.

Also, I've been spending my days off getting to know the city a little bit better. I decided every week, I am going to go somewhere or do something that is unique to the city - just to expand my horizons a bit. This past week I went to an art exhibit at the Chicago Cultural Center where they were displaying art from inmates (who were or are being held in various Illinois prisons.) It was so moving. Many of the pieces had descriptions of what the inmates made and what it meant to them - and although many of the pieces were stunning and looked near professional, there were some pieces that came from maximum security prisons. I guess at certain prisons, art supplies aren't allowed, so inmates improvised by drawing on the backs of envelopes and folders and using ink from pens and colors from food dye (like M&M's) to create stunning images. Others made miniature sculptures from wrappers of candy bars or paper mache from old papers. It was so amazing to see these works of art from people who have little to no contact with the outside world who rely on art as a form of peace, therapy and contentment. It was very moving...
And if it couldn't get better than that, one level up, there was an entire floor that was carrying an exhibit of art work inspired by Marilyn Monroe. It was such an eclectic display of art and photographs... the classics from Bert Stern and Andy Warhol to movie stills and dramatic displays. I loved it so much...



I must say I'm a fan of the Chicago Cultural Center...

To end this blog, I must give all of y'all another taste of my girl. These ones I know you'll recognize...



(P.S. Thanks to those of you who responded to my last post regarding your favorite books - They are definitely on my 'to-read' list.)

Reflection and Rand

I was making dinner tonight and I realized that I needed some things at the market down the street - so I walked there and picked up what I needed and started on my way home. Then something in side my mind just clicked on and said "You live in Chicago." You know how you make choices in life, but it doesn't really click until later? I just find it interesting that if I had never met Scott, I would never be experiencing this. 5 years ago, Chicago was simply one of many major cities in the U.S. that I had never been to... and now, I live here. It made me smile to think about and I'm proud of myself (and Scott) that we have made the choice to be here. Sure there have been some struggles getting started - but I really feel some good things are going to happen soon.

In other news, I have been reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand while riding the train to and from work. I love Ayn Rand's style. I read Anthem and nearly cried - and I am very much into this book as well. I am the type of person who reads books and underlines poignant phrases or sentences that stick out to me. Blame it on the fact that I was once a missionary who highlighted his scriptures heavily whenever I felt prompted to (which resulted in a very colorful set of scriptures) but here are some of the lines of Atlas Shrugged that has stuck out to me recently.

"He decided that pain was not a valid reason for stopping"

"Words were a lens to focus one's mind..."

"If joy is the aim and the core of existence, she thought, as if that which has the power to give one joy is always guarded as one's deepest secret, then they had seen each other naked in that moment."

"'Francisco, what's the most depraved type of human being?'
'The man without purpose.'"

"No matter how good you are, I'll expect you to wring everything you've got, trying to be still better. and when you've work yourself out to reach a goal, I'll expect you to start for another"

*Sigh* Now that I have time in between home and work, I've rediscovered my love for reading.That being said, once I'm done with Atlas Shrugged (which may take a little bit, being it is 1069 pages...) I'd like to read some of your favorites. So, please, leave a comment for me with your favorite books of all time and why you like them so much.

Existance is a reproduction

Something to chew on.

In the introduction to edition of The I-Ching (or Book of Changes) I am currently involved in, Richard Wilheim (the author of the translation) states that '...every event in the visible world is the effect of an "image," that is, of an idea in the unseen world. Accordingly, everything that happens on earth is only a reproduction, as it were, of an event in a world beyond our sense perception.'

I read this on the train the other morning and haven't been able to get it out of my mind... Just thought I'd pass it along.

Art Extravaganza!

So - here is the internet premiere of my most recent piece of art. I like to refer to it as 'energy' although an official name hasn't been decided just yet.


I've already hung it on my wall next to my niece's painting...


For those of you who don't know, Sadie painted me a picture and gave it to me before I left for Chicago. I consider it a masterpiece and cherish it completely. I don't know if Sadie had a name for it, but I like to think of it as 'Paradise'. From the eyes and incredible talents of that amazing 5 year old, I wouldn't be surprised if it was.

Anyway, today is art day on my blog. Enjoy!

Work and Play

Can't believe it's already been a week - Time sure does fly. This one will be a quick one, but more or less, an update. I wrote last week that I did end up getting a job at Zed451... yes, it didn't meet my expectations financially, but after a week of work, I can honestly say that this job is something I needed. Beside the fact that I feel really good about being there (let's be honest - trusting ones intuitions and feelings is probably the best thing anyone can ever do) - so that, in itself, has made working there that much better. Secondly, I think I got a little too caught up in the magical world of cakes while in Utah and got a bit rusty on my pastry skills - Nothing more humbling than being asked to make pate a choux, biscotti, marshmallows, and creme brulee base (all from scratch and all to be started and completed within a few hours) when I haven't done it for a few years. Good times. But I can say that I make a mean eclair now after a few days of practicing and getting it right. :)
So, I feel good about working. I like working - what is it that people say about idle hands? I don't remember - but I get bored very easily when I'm not occupying my time with work. Bless Scott's heart for having to entertain me for the past 3 weeks. :) Things are finally starting to pick up... we're getting into a routine now - this week especially since Scott is starting his school - doing tests and getting classes ready and me having a 40-hour work week. Since I need to have a little more flow coming in, I'm still looking for part-time work... something more simple and possibly retail... If you guys have any suggestions on where I should I apply, let me know. I'm up for anything. I'm thinking Crate and Barrel or Sur La Table... you know, somewhere that I can get a decent discount for items I need for my kitchen. :)
Anyway, tonight Scott had an orientation at school, which left me home alone for the first night since we moved here... which left me free to blast Ani Difranco, Jude and Janet Jackson from the stereo (some of my FAVORITE artists of all time that Scott can't stand) and I painted a picture.
A little background... I started this project in Salt Lake City about a week before we left. As I was packing things away, I found a folder with dozens and dozens of poems that I had written while I was on my LDS mission and the few months following. At the time, writing poetry was literally the only outlet I had, so most all of these poems were either horribly depressing or riddled with metaphors and symbolism for the sake of...well, being symbolic and metaphorical... but to the point that I can't even look at these poems with out getting a huge pit in my stomach and being instantly transported emotionally to the past. So... what did I do? I cut out a phrase or a word from each of the poems and pasted them to a blank canvas. I vowed to myself when I was feeling optimistic and artistic, I'd finish the project. Well, weeks later, here I was with a free night to myself and a canvas filled with past emotion. So... with my music blaring, I painted the entire canvas black and decided to do this painting with a chakra theme. So, I slit 7 lines in the canvas and painted each slit a color coordinating with each of the chakras. I will take a picture of this tomorrow and post it - I am actually quite proud of this.
Anyway, this didn't end up being short at all... See what happens when I get going?

Sunday Night Vent

It's Sunday night in Chicago - I can hear the neighbors through the wall laughing at their television, there is the sound of sirens in the distant and someone just took out their trash singing an unfamiliar tune to themselves... Perfect night for a blog.

There are a few things on my mind tonight. One of which is the fact that I found out earlier that I got the position at Zed451 as a pastry cook. While I was ecstatic to get the news, I was just as quickly crushed to know the pay for the position is substantially less than I expected (and need). Since this is the first position I've been offered after more than two weeks of being here, I took it with open arms - because let's be honest, something coming in is better than nothing coming in. But I've been kind of upset at the job scene in Chicago... Initially, I assumed there would be plenty of opportunity and that I'd come here and be swooped up by the fabulousness of the Chicago scene and fall into a great position and begin my career right away. But the reality of it is that I've been applying for jobs for months and since I've been here have been applying for just about everything that I am qualified for - with bare results. The job opportunities are there, but I'm just not getting them. It's frustrating.
And there are two things I would love more than anything. To start my career - not just have a job - and to be able to support Scott while he's in school. The later is due to the idea that he is in his graduate program and the last thing he needs to worry about is making ends meet with money - I would love to be able to have him work because he needs an outlet from school and home or because he wants a discount to a great store or something like that - not because he has to, to pay for bills or groceries. I really thought that I'd come to Chicago and those two things I want would just happen. But what I've been faced with is a lot of waiting and getting to know my apartment very well. Granted, it had been nice to simply be home with Scott and make 3 meals a day in our amazing kitchen - I just thought I'd already be involved in the beginning my career here and making my dreams reality. Maybe I just need to give it more time...

In other ideas that have been swimming around my mind, is the idea of my 'odd shelf'. One of Scott's best friends (and a very dear friend to me as well) Peter wrote a post a while back about an odd shelf - a collection of books in your personal library that don't just mesh with the other literary books on the shelf. But more further, it's your hidden interest that no one else really knows about you. After I read his blog a few months ago, the idea stuck with me and it wasn't until recently that I realized that my odd shelf is primarily centered around religious/spiritual/metaphysical studies. The other day, for instance, I got very involved online researching the missing years of Jesus Christ before his ministry account in the New Testament. There are accounts that say he traveled through India and Asia and studied with the great masters/teachers of those times before he started his ministry. I love researching things like that - so since I've come to refine (and reveal to you) what exactly my hidden interest is, I'm extending the idea along to you all to look at your life (and your bookshelf) to see what exactly is on your odd shelf and share it with someone.

I also wanted to share a link to Scott's blog for you all to check out our apartment in Chicago - odds are you have already seen it because most of you who read my blog, read his as well... but for the sake of reposting something he has already done so well, follow the link here.

Until next time...

Chicago

I'm back! (Well, not back as much as I'm here...) Odds are you've read Scott's blogs - but this is my (condensed) version of what has happened since Salt Lake City.

Scott and I woke up on July 25, finished packing odds and ends, then picked up the Penske truck (Wow. I can't believe it's been more than two weeks.) We had some help from one of his best friends Lisa and my sister's husband Kirk - and despite the fact there were only 4 of us, we were able to get everything packed in the truck in a little under 2 hours. One of my best friends Caitie came to see us off while she was on her lunch break - so there were some emotional good-byes and then Scott and I were set to go.

I drove the truck first - simply for the fact that I don't mind winding canyon roads and Scott gets a little freaked out... and it turned out to be quite a bit better than I expected. There wasn't a governor on the truck, so we were able to maintain a steady speed of 70-75. Scott had boughten a MP3 transmitter for the radio, so I was able to listen to all my music the entire time so time seemed to pass a lot quicker.

We only stopped a few times to rest and were able to make it to Scott's mom's in Des Moines by 1:00 the next day - Tired as hell, but excited to be there. The cats were less than thrilled to be out of the car. They were terrified when we first began in Salt Lake, but by the end of our trip, they had ventured out to walking outside of their kennel to check out their small surroundings in the car. But being at Collette's house was another story since she has a cat and ceiling fans - both of which we just found out, our cats are completely terrified of.

So we parked our Penske truck in her drive way and tried to relax over the next day and a half. Our plan from there was to road trip down to Chicago and get a hotel and spend Monday and Tuesday diligently looking for apartments. Luckily our roommate-to-be, Jessie Lyons, lives in West Des Moines near Scott's mom, so we were able to pick her up and have her involved in the whole process.

After a good 5 hour drive we arrived in Chicago - now... I'll spare dramatic details, especially because Scott has posted not one, but two blogs about this entire ordeal - but suffice to say, after two days and much drama, we were able to get a beautiful apartment in northern Chicago. (For the entire story, visit these links: Part One http://eveningchats.blogspot.com/2008/07/queens-queers-and-quandaries.html , Part Two: http://eveningchats.blogspot.com/2008/08/queens-queers-and-quandaries-part-deux.html - good stuff indeed)

We drove back up to Des Moines on Tuesday evening and we excited that we had that step taken care of. We were able to relax a lot more as a result and spent most of that time before we finalized the move to Chicago to catch up on sleep.

Scott and I started the final stage of the move on Friday, August 1 at 5:00 a.m. - after another lovely 5 hour drive, we arrived at our new place, got our keys to the apartment and loaded everything in the apartment. I was actually pretty impressed with us - it was only the two of us unloading the truck and we live on the second floor of the apartment building, so we had to climb up a flight of stairs each time... but we were able to get it done in about an hour and a half. Again, we were tired as hell, but since we needed to return the truck to Penske by a certain time, we choked back our tears and set out to get rid of the rental truck.

Now, I'm not sure if Scott blogged about this little experience, but we had nothing but great experiences with Penske right up until this point. But the address to the drop off location we were given, we soon realized, was directly across the street from Wrigley Stadium. And as luck would have it, the Cubs were playing a game that day. So hordes of fans and traffic added to the stress of driving a massive truck down narrow Chicago streets and after 3 failed attempts to make it into the parking lot of the Penske location, Scott called their company and asked for directions. It turns out the drop off location was somewhere else - they gave us the address and shady directions and we did our best to find it . I was driving the truck and actually found the location first - which was a large empty parking lot of a factory at the end of a narrow side street. There was no one there to give the keys to - in fact, no one was around at all - and if there hadn't been two other trucks there, I would've sworn it was a set up of some sort. The entire experience of simply dropping off the truck took about 2 hours - Needless to say, Scott and I were a little upset, but more so tired - so we went back home and unpacked briefly and took naps.

Scott's sister, Stacey, along with her husband, Isaac, and their little girl Eponine came down late Friday night to help us over the weekend to unpack our things and get everything set up. It was so great to have them here for those first few days... We were able to get quite a bit done and unpacked in those first few days as a result.

The big task at hand now is finding a job. Scott has a pretty promising situation with Gap on Michigan Ave. downtown, but as for me, I'm still waiting to hear back from positions I've applied to. There seems to be quite a bit of opportunity for me here - I'm just waiting now for it all to happen and fall into place...

It also didn't help that Scott and I didn't get the internet until this past Friday... so we had literally no connection to the outside world at all... But we're back.

All in all, Chicago has been beautiful - aside from a freak storm last week (The lightning was so intense that Scott and I were sure there was a strobe light outside) And we were able to meet new people last night at Chicago's Market Days on Halsted - which was, as Scott put it, a Pride festival, a gay bar and a county fair rolled into one. But I feel really good about being here... I feel that things are going to work out amazing for us both. Wish us luck!

P.S. As soon as I get the apartment straightened up, I'll be snapping some pictures and showing you all our new place...

Too tired for a title...

This entry will be short - simply because I'm beyond tired, but I wanted to let everyone who reads this know that Scott and I are officially residents of Chicago, IL. The apartment we found is beautiful and perfect for all of our needs... and we will officially be moving in on Friday (Aug. 1). For specific details, you need to go over to Scott's blog. He has such a way with words that I can't help but laugh out loud and be enthralled by his stories, even though I was experiencing them with him at the time. So, for now, check that out - and I will be back later with more details of my own.

Last Night in Salt Lake City

What a rollercoaster these past few weeks have been - so many ups and downs and so incredibly emotional.

I took this past week off because I wanted to focus my energy and time with those who I truly care about. To be completely honest, I am not sure when I'll be back to Salt Lake City... I realize the holidays are coming up, but I am not naive - in the hospitality industry, holidays are like any other day. Plus, seniority is a big thing when it comes to getting time off... So while I'd like to think that I'll see my Utah friends and family in a matter of months, the likelihood of me being able to with being the new guy in town might not be possible. So... that in mind, I spent Monday with my sister Tiffany and her daughters, Tuesday with my oldest sister Heather and her kids, Wednesday was spent with Mom, T (and her girls) and Heather and Taylor (my niece) for Taylor's birthday, and today was spent briefly with Mom in the morning and later with my brother Jason and his family.

I'm not good with goodbyes... people say that, but I really have a hard time. Especially with my Mom and my siblings. We share a very close bond and no matter what conflicts we go through and what disagreements we may have, we are always there for each other 100%. I think that is one thing that hit me when I said goodbye to T yesterday... these past few months have been so emotional with Sadie's condition and then with the situation a little while ago with Scott and I... But through it all, T and I were there for each other. When we said goodbye, we just held each other and cried. It was also very difficult for me because I'm not sure when (or if) I'll see Sadie again - and she was probably thinking 'What the hell is wrong with Uncle Nik?' because I had to fight back sobs when I said goodbye. And saying goodbye to Mom and Jason and his family.... not any easier. Luckily for me, Heather and Kirk are helping us move tomorrow when we come with the moving truck - so at least I can prolong another goodbye. I've filled my quota for the day and I'm emotionally tapped out.

In other goodbyes, I stopped by my dad's grave to pay some respects. It's strange how familiar a cemetary can be, but for as long as I can remember, there was always something so comforting about being there. It still hasn't changed. So I sat down and had a little conversation and let him know what's going on (although I'm pretty sure he had a good idea regardless). While I was there, I felt the distinct thought not to look back (metaphorically speaking) and to look forward to the future... I left feeling even better about this move and feel it will have very positive results. Plus, I also had a good feeling my dad will be helping me out along the way.

One thing that has been very interesting about this move is the surfacing of true friendships. I have been pleasantly surprised and completely appalled by our friends over the last few weeks. Scott and I have been inviting people to dinners and parties to give us (and our friends) some time together before we leave - and there are some who have dropped everything to come and be a part of the short time we have here... then there have been some who have had numerous excuses or... none at all... saying they'll be there and they're not... I, sadly, have come to expect such behavior from my previous friends, so it was no surprise to me to see it happen again with some of them... but some of Scott's closest friends didn't even put an effort and it really upset us. But, tomorrow, life will go on for us and there will be new friends and our close friends that have shown themselves to be unconditional will still be very involved in our lives as we will be in theirs...

I'm really excited. I'm really scared. I'm really tired. But most of all, I can't wait to start from scratch in a new city. I know it's going to be such a great experience for Scott and I.

Oh. P.S. Happy Pioneer Day. We did nothing but pack all night and bitch about everything in Utah being shut down because... well... it was Pioneer Day. Hope you all enjoyed your 'holiday'. ;)

For some reason I can't explain...

Today was not a good day. Let's be honest... I walked into the bakery this morning and worked literally non-stop from 10:00 until 6:45... without lunches or breaks... We were understaffed and one of my employees didn't show up or call... My new baker ruined hundreds of dollars worth of product... Orders were forgotten and we didn't realize it until the person came to pick their order up... Our health inspector visited... It was basically one of those days where if things could go wrong, they did (and to the extreme).

Ironically, I heard from friends that I haven't heard from for a while - One of my best friends from Las Vegas called to tell me she was getting married next year and wanted me to do her wedding cake; One of my other friends called to say HI - I haven't seen her for over a year; I got an e-mail from one of my other friends whom I haven't seen for over a year... It was as though they knew that I needed something - anything - to pick me up a little bit.

With that in mind, I was on my way home from work on I-15 northbound and the traffic stopped. Literally. I was creeping along and I noticed 9000 South was coming up - the exit I would normally take to go to my moms house. I had already called Scott to tell him I'd be late because of the traffic, so I decided to take this traffic as a sign to get off on this exit and visit my mom real quick and then try to take side streets to Scott's work to pick him up. So I did - Interestingly, my sister Tiffany (and her girls) and my brother and his family were there. It turns out that Sadie had an MRI today and the news wasn't good. It seems as though the tumor has grown tremendously over the past few weeks - which has been causing more pressure in her head and giving her double-vision... And it was strange how insignificant my horrible day seemed. In fact, although I wrote details of it just a few minutes ago, they seem so small that I don't even recall everything that even happened - because it doesn't matter.

I don't know what to think (again) and I don't quite know how to respond (again) - but all I know is that my heart feels very heavy and I have a lump in my throat that seems to stay locked in place every time I swallow. I've been so caught up in the move and in my last few weeks at work and finding an apartment and finding a job and getting things packed and trying to get together with friends and family just one last time and canceling memberships and services... that my reality overshadowed a much more significant reality. It's just strange how things seemed so normal for just a little bit and I fell into that comfort for the time being.

The thing I learned from today? I'm grateful for intuition and for coincidence - my own and those around me. It's funny how such a horrible day at work brought so many calls from friends and it's funny how a traffic jam brought my family together for just a little while when we needed each other most.

Keep on burning...

Just wanted to announce that Proud Mary, my Dodge Neon, is officially mine.

That is all.

Closer to 30

As one of my best friends put it - I am officially closer to 30 than I am to 20... It actually feels really good to be 25. Going into my birthday with a very introspective feel made the whole experience so much more meaningful... The day consisted of highlights like Scott buying me a cake turntable (something I desperately need) and a martini shaker (s0mething I completely love), getting a tattoo (more on that later), getting calls and messages from very dear friends and family, and finally ending the evening at Cucina Tuscana with some of my closest friends. The entire day was very relaxed and ideally how I would've wanted it. The following Sunday was just as great - having some brunch with my mom, my brother and his family and my man... some of the greatest people in my life... All in all, it was a great start to my mid-twenties.

Now - about my tattoo. I've been wanting to get one for a while, but as someone who is deeply into symbolism, I needed it to be perfect and really reflect me. One symbol I have always loved is the compass and the square - most people know it as a symbol of the Freemasons. The symbol of the square (or ruler) represents earth - as the four corners of the earth. The compass, which draws a perfect circle, is a representation of heaven... so as the compass and square cross, they symbolize the close relationship between heaven and earth. Another meaning I love is the symbolism of the compass being masculine and the square feminine - so again, by crossing the two, there is balance and equality between masculinity and femininity. It's a very spiritual and balanced symbol in my mind and something that fits my personality and beliefs - so, it is the perfect piece of art for my body. Now you know the story... :)


Another eventful story recently consisted of me trying to rush myself out of the door at work. I was basically frantic in trying to get home in time and amidst the chaos, I left my phone on top of my car. As I was driving, I was going to text Scott and realized that I couldn't find my phone anywhere... and in the midst of the crazy thought "Did I leave my phone on top of my car?", I looked in the rear view mirror to see it slip off and get ran over by the car behind me. I flipped around as quick as I could and managed to pick up the largest two pieces of the 7 or 8 that were strewn about.



Downside? I lost everyones numbers, old text messages (including the first one from Scott that I had held onto for a year and a half) and camera-phone pictures. On the plus side? I lost everyones number and I got a new phone. It's a light blue Chocolate - very cute and very gay. Like me.
I have to admit - it's very liberating to lose everyones number and start from scratch. My contact list went from about 80 to 15. And really... that is fine with me.

25

It will be my 25th birthday in ten minutes. I guess there’s something that is anticipating this day more than any of my previous birthdays - I’ve let go of expectations of people recognizing that it is my birthday and I don’t really want or need anything. So what I’m left with is my thoughts and my personal opinion that I should celebrate my own life by reflection of where I’ve been and contemplating on my expectations for the future. I think 25 is a very good age for that… For someone who is a quarter-century old, I think I’m at a good spot to know, at the very least, who I’m not - and as a result, I can more clearly define who I am and what I expect out of life.

It’s 12:00 - Happy Birthday me.

I believe that everyone has a brilliant biography that contains thousands of stories and lessons learned and no one will ever hear it. My story is no exception - there are people in my life who know many aspects of who I am and where I’ve been… But no one who knows everything except me. And my story is brilliant and beautiful. Tragic and compelling. Filled with compassion and sincere love. But I can honestly say that I’ve spent more time over these past 25 years looking back than I have been looking forward. I’ve always seemed to reflect on the past and dwell there - learning as much as I could about why it happened and what was the lesson to be learned. And I think that is a great thing, to a point.

So I am planning for this next year (and for the twenty-five years after) to continue to learn lifes little lessons, but to spend more time looking forward than looking back.


So - here's a toast to being 25 and a work in progress...

Ragnar Relay

My sister Heather and her husband Kirk have gotten into running over the past few years - and because of them, I have been roped into it as well. It all started with the Salt Lake Marathon, which was for a good cause - since it benefited the Huntsman Cancer Institute and the race was held on June 3 (My Dad's birthday - who passed away from cancer) 26.2 miles later, that whole experience sparked a passion in us and we've been involved with running ever since.

My sister called me about 6 months or so ago and asked me to be involved in a relay marathon. Her team needed one more person and I was the first person she had thought of. So I agreed - Not even knowing what exactly a relay marathon was. The simple explanation is that there is 12 teammates who help run 36 different portions of a race that runs from Logan to Park City. Each of us teammates run 3 portions of the race - varying in length and difficulty and, if I remember right, the race totals about 180 miles.

There were 6 of us in each car - so we got to know our other teammates very well. Beside Kirk and Heather, there were Troy and Amber (a couple in Heather's ward) and Trevor (a friend of Troy and Amber's) in our car. We varied in background and current situation, but we actually all got to be very comfortable around each other very quickly. And there was such a strong sense of support among us. Obviously, I am close with Heather and Kirk - but I had never met Troy, Amber or Trevor before in my life... and for a day and half, we were all relying on each other for support and strength and were there for each other whenever someone needed something as simple as water - or important as encouragement.

I was the third runner - all of my runs were rated 'moderate' in difficulty and with my three portions, I ran 5.6 miles, 4.9 miles and 5.1 miles. I trained for it the best I could and was glad I had. We had one person on our team who hadn't trained much before hand and ended up throwing up for most of his first run... Good times.

We started around noon on Friday (June 20) - and my portion began around 2:00. My first run started in a small town,then became the long stretch of road to another small town. The temperature was about 85 - 90 around that time - which threw me back on time a little bit, because I did quite a bit of training at the gym or in the mornings. Not the best run, but a decent start.

After all of the people in our car had finished their runs, we grabbed a quick bite to eat and tried to find a place to shower. Troy had grown up in the area, so he told us that he had a perfect spot... we got to the destination and realized that he was talking about a lake that we could just bath in. If we weren't comfortable around each other before, we were after - since the lake was pretty cold, we had to encourage each other just to get in and take care of it...

My second run was around 11:45 at night and started near a freeway off-ramp and went through the side streets of a very small town in the middle of nowhere. For the night runs, all the runners are required to wear reflective safety vests and a headlight, so the only things I could see was what was about 20 feet in front of me and the moon and stars. It was, by far, the most memorable, exhilarating run in my life... Ironically enough, my MP3 player decided to die after mile two of that run, so I ran with only the various night sounds around me, my breathing and the beating of my shoes hitting the pavement. I can't adequately describe how great that run was for me... I made pretty good time, but the experience was more than worth it.

After our car finished our runs the second time around (which was around 2:00 a.m.), we went to a local high school which had been opened up for all of the runners to sleep in between runs. It was basically a free-for-all - if you could find a place to sleep, then you were able to sleep there... and the place looked like a hobo camp. We walked down the hallway of the high school and on each side, runners were huddled up in sleeping bags sleeping deeply. For the life of me, I couldn't comprehend how anyone could find comfort of any sort on the floor of a high school hallway, but as soon as I had laid my sleeping bag down - it took me about 4 minutes before I was out.

We woke up about 3 hours later - ate some fruit and bagels and get ready for our last leg of the race. I'm not sure if we were all just excited for this to be the last run for each of us, but there seemed to be a little more energy in the car. The day was beginning to get warm when I started my last run, but luckily there was a cool breeze the whole time which helped make the run more tolerable. For the most part, my portion was downhill and if my legs weren't so extremely sore from the runs before, I'm sure it would've been quite a bit easier than it was...

But as I was nearing the end of my run, a song came on my MP3 player... Chocolate by Snow Patrol. I'm not sure why exactly, but this song has always clicked with me - and the first verse struck me as I ran.

'This could be the very minute I'm aware I'm alive -
All these places feel like home'

It seemed to be a very introspective moment for me and I realized at that moment that I just finished something that was, by far, one of the most incredible moments in my life. The entire experience was so unique and wonderful, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed my it.

We all finished our runs feeling strong and accomplished - and after a celebratory dine out, we drove back to Salt Lake.

The day ended out very well - One of my best friends in life, Caitie Jolley, wanted to get together and have a dinner party for our birthdays (hers being on June 13 and mine on June 26). I was a worried that I wouldn't get back in time because of the race, but it turned out that there was plenty of time.

So with my man at the helm making of some amazing food, me making some delicious chocolate mousse, and Caitie setting up a beautiful dining experience, we and some of our close friends enjoyed a night together relaxing and enjoying each others company. A perfect way to end the night...

Chicago

Today is the first day back to work from being in Chicago.

*sigh*

First off, don't get me wrong. I love me some Utah, but it feels bland being back here in Utah. This is my personal opinion, but I really feel that as a culture, Utahns fall into a rut of sorts. There are a variety of factors in this, but I'll focus on career choices. I'll use Scott's work as an example. During our orientation (yes, Scott and I worked together for a brief period in our relationship - and we learned a great deal from that to say the least...) we had so many managers and trainers who would tell us "I came to work here as a summer job and flash forward to 8 years later - I'm still here!" I've found that it's not just at his job either... I see countless people who are doing something that doesn't fulfill their passion, but for one reason or another, they just settle because it's comfortable there. There is definitely some opportunity to work my way up in the job I'm currently at, but when you get right down to the base of it all, it's not what I want to do. I didn't go to culinary school to manage people. I did it because I love to bake - because I love to design and create incredible desserts... If I stayed here, I'd feel I had settled. And I'd feel unfulfilled. And while Scott and I were in Chicago, I felt so good about moving there... that there is definitely plenty of opportunity to fulfill my passion...

To put it simply, I'm excited. It's funny because Scott and I don't have a place to live yet and neither of us have jobs lined up - but I still feel like this is an extremely positive move for both of us. And that's all I have to go on at this point... a strong feeling. But I think that's a pretty great place to start.

Chicago is amazing. We stayed at the Marriott Downtown which is right on Michigan Avenue. So we were literally feet away from some incredible stores and some amazing architecture. We had the idea of looking for places to live and after many failed attempts of reaching some contacts, we decided to trust our feelings and simply took a bus up to the most northern spot of the city where we wanted to live. I'm pretty sure that we were walking around for a good 3-4 hours, but it was so worth it. There are some incredibly beautiful neighborhoods... I'm talking about large gorgeous trees that create a canopy over streets, beautiful old buildings that have been completely revamped inside - it feels so classic. We decided that we want to live in an area called Andersonville - it's fairly trendy, gay-friendly, close to public transportation, and close to many restaurants and events... (It's basically the equivalent of Sugarhouse) We have actually gotten in contact with a guy named Rick (who was referred to us by Scott's instructor at school) who helps people find apartments - so we have him the information of what we are looking for and he'll contact us when he finds something that meets those qualities. All free of charge. Pretty sweet deal, if you ask me.

Now all we have to do is wait for 6 more weeks to pass before we begin our exodus. We were originally planning on rental a U-haul and hauling our things (with my car following behind) - but after being there we've since decided to simply sell all of our things and start fresh in the Windy City. So... if you know of anyone looking for some beat up couches, some shelves, a queen-sized bed, and desks - please let us know.

And for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture taken from our hotel room of the sunset in Chicago.

Sadie's Blog

I just got done reading my sister's blog - There is some pictures of when I went over to their house and made a cake with Sadie and Olivia. There aren't many things that I feel like I really want or need to do before I left for Chicago, but that experience was something that I have really wanted to do for a while. Olivia and Sadie were so great with making the cake and the frosting... and they went all out on decorating the final product. Besides that, I was able to see home videos of the Huish family during their dream vacation and, very importantly, I got to send some quality time with my sister. There are definitely some memories I'll be cherishing forever.

At any rate - go over to her blog and check out the pictures of their dream trip and also the incredible talents of my nieces!

sadiehuish.blogspot.com

Reiki and Ranting (a powerful duo)

God. It's been one of those days. I've decided that as much as I love the responsibility, leadership experience and, let's be honest, pay of being in management at work, I can't help but feel that all I am is a glorified babysitter. It seems that whenever the manager of the bakery I work at is on her day off and I am in charge, shit hits the fan. And as soon as that mess is cleaned up, there are more bags of shit flung at the fan to liven things up yet again. I consider myself an optimistic person with a general care-free demeanor but I really don't feel as though I should be telling adults what they should and shouldn't be doing and going as far as expecting them to... I don't know... show up for their scheduled shifts or tell me when they are running low on something so I can order it. There is just a ball of unnecessary drama that continues to float nonchalantly around the bakery at all times... How much longer until I move to Chicago??
OK. I have that out of my system.
These past few days have been interesting and strangely enlightening. Last weekend, Scott had some unfortunate news about his grandmother passing away and he went back to the golden mid-west to Des Moines to be with his family during the services. (For more information on that, you should read his blog. My man gave a very touching tribute to his grandmother and although I didn't know her personally, reading his words and hearing him talk about her previously has given me nothing but the highest respect for her life and all she and their family have been through.) In the midst of this unfortunate experience, I am facing almost a week apart from Scott. I believe a little separation is good for a relationship - and I've used this time to get more in touch with myself.
On Sunday, I decided to set up an appointment at Healing Mountain Massage School (I highly recommend it - not only is it fairly inexpensive, but it's pretty much amazing - http://www.healingmountain.org/slcHome.html ). I wanted to do a massage, but was much more interested in the Tibetan Reiki Energy Treatment that they offered. I've done some research with chakras and energy work and have found it completely fascinating... so with that in mind, I showed up for my appointment and checked in. There were some issues with the scheduling and I ended up getting a different person than I was told... who has just happened to be a Reiki master for almost 15 years. The treatment was so fascinating - she was very talkative about what work she was doing and we had a very interesting conversation about energy work and relations to religion and spirituality. The feeling during the session was so unique - I can only compare it to feeling similar to 'feeling the spirit' when I was involved in the church - and the the idea of positive energy in mind, I'd imagine it is a very similar sensation - if not the same. At any rate, the only way I can describe the feeling after is how you'd imagine flowing water would feel. A little bizarre, but great. After the session, she could tell that I was very interested in our conversation and the session, so she gave me a list of some books to read and was more than willing to help me learn more. Overall, the experience was so random, but so unique and what I needed.
It's too bad I had to go to work this morning... I went from a flowing river of positive energy to a black hole... but I think I'm back to feeling fine. (Limoncello works wonders in helping me feel fine...)

In other ideas of being alone and facing thoughts of my past, I think I realize why I'm so upset at the LDS church. I've blogged about it before in previous posts, but I think what it all comes down to is that I felt so guilty for being who I am and yet devoted so much time and energy into proving to others, and myself, that it was right. I'm not implying the church is wrong, but it is definitely not right for me. I feel like a scorned lover (For the record, I just laughed out loud as I wrote that) - I devoted myself and who I was to something that turned it's back on me when I wasn't in sync with what they believe to be right. Not only the church, but my closest family members as well. So, to those of you who do read this, who are involved in the LDS church and believe it to be correct, I respect you and admire your faith. I have just been burned so deeply and the scar runs so deep that I can't even look back on my experiences as a missionary without my heart hurting. It was such a dark place for me - which is so ironic...
I'm glad, in a sense, that I will be living in another city soon. I'm tired of church talk in regular conversation (You say you need a dessert for your home teaching families, eh?) and I'm tired of being careful who I let know about me and Scott (Um... no. He's not just my roommate...)
I'm finally me - as whole as a work in progress can possibly be and I'm truly happy. Why should I feel guilty about that?

highlights and editing

I'm back.

I took a little hiatus simply because I haven't really had time to sit down and relax, let alone think constructively enough attempt at a blog. But here it is - and the thoughts are definitely rolling...

In regard to Sadie, her wishes were granted (God bless the Make-A-Wish Foundation... Seriously.) - she was able to go to Disneyworld and meet all the princesses. I'll be going over to her house tomorrow to make a cake (white cake with chocolate frosting and gumdrops - her request) , so I'm excited to hear all about it and see the pictures... There was a moment there where it looked like it might not happen... so thank God for the fact that they were able to make it there.
Also, in regard to my last few blogs about Sadie's Make-A-Wish party and the grand send-off, I did end up going... I didn't stay long (since I was on my lunch break from work) but it was beautiful. I'm glad I was able to see Sadie and T before they left... I really felt that I had to go - simply, for nobody else but them... and myself.

So - I'm not sure if I wrote this already, but Scott and I have made an official date for leaving to Chicago - July 28. That only leaves us with about two months to get our shit together and move it on out. I think I've been handling the idea of leaving well - but in all reality, it's only when I'm moving a mile a minute and I hardly have to think. It's something that stays in the back of my mind, just floating around... and then I have a day off (like today) and I have a sense of nostalgia for Utah when I haven't even left yet.

Maybe it's also the fact that I'll be turning 25 soon. I'll officially be in my mid-twenties... and while that is still pretty young and I still have a lot to learn, I really feel that I've dealt with, learned from, and made it through quite a bit. I find myself longing for old friendships I've let slip - yet at the same time, doing my best to let some friendships stay in the sidelines. I find myself holding on to little mementos of yesteryear - and at the same time throwing or giving away items simply because it reminds me of someone or a particular situation.

I guess we all do that at sometime... editing our past, in a sense. Highlighting the parts we love and putting black lines through the parts that seem better left forgotten.

I guess with this big change coming up, I'm really wanting to start out this chapter on fresh, solid ground. I feel like I need to learn from my previous 24 years in the next two months, apply it well, and kick some ass in the years to come. In fact, I expect that of myself.

I don't know... I feel really emotional lately. There seems to be so much going on all at once that I hardly have time to think - and when I do, it feels like the cork comes flying off the bottle.

It was pretty nice today though... I was running at Liberty Park and listening to my MP3 player when I saw that there were baby geese wading in the pond... so I stopped running and just walked around and through the park. And without the music, I was filled with memories of tennis matches with me and my best friend when I was younger, or playing at the carnival area when my class would go there for field trips, or remembering stories of my mom growing up on that park and hearing how she met my dad there --- More highlights...
I'm getting the impression I need to take a little more time out of the world and start getting more in touch with me - you know, to do a little more highlighting and editing.

Less Intense

For anyone who reads my blog, I just wanted to say thanks for putting up with me - I usually only write when I have very strong thoughts and/or emotions. So, just to throw my blog off course, I felt like posting a blog that is less intense - so I will show you the cake I made for Scott's birthday.



I won't lie, I was pretty happy with the way this one turned out - and I think he was too. Do you think Chicago is ready for me? :)

reality

Scott says that last night I wouldn't stop tossing and turning... I'm not surprised. This past week has proven to be more eventful than I ever expected.

There was quite a bit of drama since I wrote the last post... as any one who is reading this (and Scott's) blog would know. To make a long issue short, Scott was very upset at my sister's response and sent them a very stern e-mail. The e-mail was replied to by my sister's husband... Honestly, I could go into what was said but I don't have the energy or desire to do so. Bottom line is that Scott and I won't be attending the event this afternoon for Sadie.

Hard enough as that decision was, I was talking to my mom for Mother's Day and Sadie's event was brought up. I told her, quite briefly, that I won't be attending... which issued in a guilt-trip and a very emotional conversation. My mom feels that my sister's family and I need to put aside our differences and think about Sadie... Sadie doesn't know Scott, so it was nothing against him, but Sadie wanted me there for her special day, so think about what she wants... That I shouldn't look back on this time and regret anything - like that I should have gone to the party or that I let differences stand in the way...

Oh Mom. You sure have a way with words - suffice to say, I felt like shit.

What is it about me that when I am faced with a situation regarding my family, I feel completely jaded by the real issue and willingly accept guilt or blame?

I'm pretty sure that was the reason I was tossing and turning last night. I feel somewhat helpless in this situation because I've always tried to be the person who makes everyone happy - and I can't stand being the person who disappoints. I remember a while back when my nephew Spencer had his baptism, I was invited by Heather. I remember that work at the time was incredibly busy and I just couldn't get away, so I called and talked to Heather about the situation. She understood, but when I asked to talk with Spencer and explained the situation to him, he sounded incredibly sad and disappointed on the phone. It broke my heart.

***
Well - here's an update. As I was writing that last paragraph, my mom called to tell me that Sadie is going to the hospital. She has apparently been having horrible headaches this past week and it's just gotten too intense, so they are taking her to the hospital to see what they can do. I guess the party tonight might not even happen...


It's funny - over the weekend, Scott and I went up to Park City with some close friends and we stayed up late talking about everything. The topic of this entire blog came up and Scott was saying how he felt, my friends said how they felt -- and then Caitie, one of my best friends, noticed I wasn't saying anything. So she stopped and asked how everything made me feel. I didn't say anything for a while. How can you put in words the desire to scream, the longing to cry, a deep love for everyone involved, the feeling of being burned, unexplainable raw emotion and a strange sense of optimism?

I guess I never expected reality to be so real...

Re-posted

Last night, I came home from the gym around 11:30 and I couldn't wind down... I just had too much on my mind. So I wrote everything I was feeling and posted a blog - but as soon as I woke up, I took it off because I didn't want it to offend anyone. But as this morning goes on, I realize that these feelings are completely valid and it's not fair to me to censor myself. So here it is - yet again:

As usual, the thoughts begin to flow late at night... and writing seems to be the only way to calm the mind. It's pretty strange, but there's something very therapeutic about writing with the idea that no one may read it, but that everyone can read it if they wanted to. It's like having a window into my soul and all you really need to do is look through...
Well kids, this one may be a long one, so pour yourself a drink, pull up a chair and get comfortable.

I got an invitation in the mail over the weekend for a party for my niece Sadie. The Make-A Wish Foundation is holding a big Princess themed celebration in honor of Sadie's wishes being fulfilled and having a big send off before the Huish family heads off to Disneyworld. I was stoked to receive the invite - it was a cute princess crown card and all the writing was done by the princess herself. (Sadie's penmanship is amazing, by the way) So I made arrangements with work and got everything prepared - but I also noticed that Scott's name wasn't on the invite. Now, side note - there was a time, about a year or so ago, that my sister sent me a letter saying that in respect to her beliefs and what influence she wants around her children, any person I am dating isn't welcome in her home or at events that her family will be in attendance. At the time, it made me VERY upset - but at the same time, I wasn't in a very serious relationship (Scott and I were just starting out) and I respected the fact that she held her ground in what she believed. But I figured that since Scott raised a considerable amount of money for Sadie's fund with his co-workers, participated in the 5K (and even got his mom Collette and her boyfriend, Chip, to join as well), as well as offer our apartment as a place to stay in case they might need it (because we are so close to Primary Children's Hospital and the huntsman Cancer Institute) - well, I went out on a limb and figured that Scott would be invited as well to this celebration of Sadie's wishes and I just wanted to double-check with the Huish's to make sure it'd be alright....
Well, I got an e-mail from T a day or so later which said:
"I know that Scott has indeed been supportive of Sadie and our family, and, goodness, he is a wonderful guy. Again, it goes back to the letter I wrote, that if someone you are in a relationship with is around at different events, then that is not in my control, but as for inviting that person to stuff for our family and to our home, that is not something I can do. Again, it is not a knock on Scott,... it's my feelings in general, ... that this kind of relationship isn't something I feel is right, and something I don't want my kids around. I hope this doesn't come across negatively, and that it is just reiterating what I've said before. It's what I feel is best for my family and that I need to stick to that. That said, I know that Scott is great, that you love him, and I don't want there to be feelings hurt. I hope to see you on Monday, but if you aren't there because you wouldn't want Scott feeling bad, then I won't hold any ill will or anything - that is up to you."

It hurt to read that. In fact, it kept me up most of last night and most of this morning... I guess I figured that something had changed. I mean, this is the man that I love. That I've been in a committed relationship for almost a year and a half... He is my family. So to feel that someone you are completely devoted to, whom you love with all you are, isn't welcome in your family -- well, it pierces your heart. And I can't even make you, whoever you are, understand that pain that you feel when a sibling, whom you love and respect, isn't accepting of who you are and who you love. I live in an interesting family scenario in the fact that my sisters are not accepting of me and Scott being together, while my brother is completely accepting of me, of Scott and the relationship we have. (My mom is still in a struggle between what she believes and her love for me and Scott. I consider her neutral... with a lean toward me.) At any rate, I hurt and I've been hurting all day.
So I picked Scott up from work and was waiting for the most appropriate time to tell him what is going on - and the time finally came before dinner. He wasn't happy, to say the least - but I feel it's highly due to the fact that he has been completely supportive of my sisters family and has done so many things to help out. And while I know he's not looking for recognition in any way, I guess all that would've sufficed is an acknowledgment of our relationship and a Thank You. In all honesty though, I think he's tired of trying to appease my sisters and I don't blame him. I was scared to death to meet Scott's family and I've received nothing but love and support from them - so to imagine the other end of the spectrum would be hell. And I fell horrible to put him through it.
At the same time, I make myself so fucking upset... because growing up in an LDS environment, I understand both of my sister's standpoints. So I have a sense of respect for their stance and what they believe in. And it's because of that, that I blame the LDS church for how my sister's feel. You know - I'll go as far to say that I blame the priesthood for it. My sister's didn't feel so adamant about their beliefs until after they got married - hell, I can remember the first person I told about me being gay was T and she hugged me and told me she loved me - and hugged the guy I was seeing at the time when she met him for the first time. Plus she played softball for God's sake - I'm sure she has loads of lesbi-friends. So, again, yes. I blame the church. I blame the priesthood - and while it has provided peace for many people and has inspired many people for the better, it hasn't me. In fact, it reminds me of a poem I wrote a while back...

Behold -
You might say I held onto that iron rod
In fact, quite vividly, I remember holding on so tight
Clenched fingers
A white knuckled grip
To the point I was afraid to let go.
Yea & I made it to that tree
Despite the darkness that entrapped me
& I saw the smiling faces
& I heard angels singing harmony
& I felt - for once I did belong
I remember thinking clearly that suppression equaled freedom
So I partook of that fruit
That precious fruit whose reputation succeeds all
And the taste thereof…
Was that of simple fruit
So I stood with a mask of joy
While I held this fruit and I wondered why.
Why?
Let the people know I was not ashamed as I dropped that fruit and walked away.

I wrote that on December 29, 2006... I remember writing it with the idea of Lehi's dream (from the Book of Mormon) in mind. I respect the fact that people cling to their religion - but at what cost?

I'm tired... in more ways than one. In the words of Madonna "Freedom comes when you learn to let go" - while I love and respect my family for what they believe, I can't hold on to the notion that we are as close as we were before and I can't expect them to change because of what I feel to be right (any more than they can expect me to change because they feel they are right)

The choice to leave for Chicago, I feel, is coming at a very appropriate time. While I do feel that the situation with Sadie is horrible, most of my nieces and nephews are getting to the point in their lives where they will be asking lots of whys. I don't think my sister's feel comfortable talking with their kids about homosexuality - and honestly, I don't really feel that kids would be able to comprehend the extent of what being gay or straight is. I think my brother told his boys that Scott is my special friend... and I think that's all kids really need to know. Aidan and Jarron (my brothers kids) have completely accepted the fact that Scott and me are together all the time - and that's really all they care to know. If I'm around and Scott's not there, they ask where he is and when he'll be around. Granted, I'm not a parent (yet) so I don't know how I'd handle a similar situation - but I can't help but wonder how my sister's are going to explain to their kids why Uncle Nik is moving to Chicago...